


The Long Engagement

by RubyEliz



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arranged Marriage, Established Relationship, M/M, Reunion, Temporary Separation, University, background/minor SouMako, some OCs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-05-21 22:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 175,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14924423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubyEliz/pseuds/RubyEliz
Summary: Matsuoka Rin was a man in love, and although Haru didn’t know it yet, for Rin tonight signalled an important step toward the rest of their lives together.After several false starts and enough misunderstandings to last a lifetime, Rin and Haru are finally a couple and have been happily planning for their future together in Tokyo. Rin particularly has big plans for his 20th birthday. But the course of true love never did run entirely smoothly, and their relationship is about to be put to its toughest test yet.Note: Rating for some adult content / themes. I’m aiming to add specific content notes to relevant chapters.





	1. ONE

Matsuoka Rin was a man in love. As he caught the Tobu-Toju line from his flat in Narimasu to Haru’s place in Bunkyō he found himself utterly distracted by thoughts of his boyfriend, smiling to himself absently. Luckily it was a journey he now knew like the back of his hand so it didn’t require much focus, Rin slaloming expertly through the throngs of commuters at Ikebukuro to travel three short stops to Haru’s station. It felt special tonight though, everything infused with a glow of newness and importance as he headed to meet Haru for their planned evening together.

He’d dressed up for the occasion, wearing his one and only proper suit. It had been his father’s originally, which his mother had had tailored for him as a surprise gift upon his return to Japan and successful qualification for national team funding. He’d tried it on at the time, tears in his eyes, but since then it had hung untouched in his closet for many months while he worked up the courage to take it out again. He’d wanted to save it for something special, meaningful. But wearing it now he felt confident and happy and hopeful. He felt his father was on his side, smiling down at him. Haru didn’t know it yet, but for Rin tonight signalled an important step toward the rest of their lives together.

It had taken him weeks and weeks, months even, of persistent effort to persuade him, but tonight he was finally going to dinner with Haru’s parents and it was imperative that the meeting went well.

Haru didn’t talk about them much, and they only seemed to appear in his life every six months or so, but Rin knew Haru’s relationship with his parents was tricky. He’d accepted too that Haru wasn’t yet ready to be fully open with them about the extent of their relationship, but that didn’t mean that the meeting didn’t feel significant. For Rin, this was a critical first step in a plan that had been gestating in his head for months (and if he’s honest, for years before that, only as a hopeless-seeming dream). You see, in just a few short weeks Haru was turning 20, and some months after that so would Rin, and when he did he’d decided he was going to ask Haru to marry him.

He knew it wouldn't be easy - that the rules in Japan were complicated and restrictive and that he wouldn’t be able to offer Haru the same security as other couples. But still, it felt important to him in a way he couldn’t quite explain or defend. He knew with absolutely certainly - in the same way he had just known at age 12 that he had to do whatever it took to swim with the dark haired boy again - that Haru was the love of his life. And when you met the love of your life you married them. And he wanted to do it properly. To ask for permission, to plan a grand proposal, the whole nine yards. And so meeting Haru’s parents and charming them was just one more challenge he was determined to overcome to achieve that goal.

He was humming to himself slightly as he made the familiar walk to Haru’s apartment - smaller than his own which he shared with Sousuke, but in a much nicer neighbourhood and closer to Tokyo University where they both trained and took classes -  tapping his foot impatiently in the elevator, alive with anticipation.

In truth, the building felt almost as much like home to Rin as his own - after all he spent about as many nights there. Even on the nights he didn’t stay at Haru’s, Haru would often follow him back to his place anyway, preferring to crush together in Rin’s single bed and endure the longer commute to the pool than spend too many nights apart. He was looking forward to Haru’s lease being up in just under two months time when they had agreed to officially move in together. They’d already started looking although the combination of Haru’s kitchen and bath requirements and Rin’s budget had made it fairly slow going.

When the lift pinged open, Haru was already opening the door and Rin did a double take. Far from his usual track pants or jeans, Haru was dressed in an expensive looking blue checked tweed suit, including full waistcoat. His shirt was fixed high on his neck by a crimson silk tie and with his pale skin, piercing blue eyes and inky hair the overall effect was of a very beautiful doll.

“What are you wearing?” Rin asked, slightly taken back by the sight, his heart starting to beat double-time. Haru looked away stiffly, stepping aside to let Rin in.

“My father insists.”

Rin couldn’t help but look down at his own suit, suddenly very conscious of the cheaper blend material that was already very slightly worn in the elbows and knees. His shirt was new at least, and he’d polished his shoes and spent an inordinate amount of time carefully styling his hair.

“Oh, will this do? I didn’t think to bring a tie…”

Rin watched as Haru’s eyes raked over him, feeling his breath catch in this throat as Haru reached to tenderly smooth a lock of hair behind Rin’s ear, a small smile twitching on his lips. Haru moved closer to slip the hand around Rin’s neck, dipping his fingers slightly under the collar of his shirt before kissing him full on the mouth.

“It’ll do.” he mumbled against Rin’s lips before kissing him again. Then, because he understood that sometimes Rin needed, or liked, to have the obvious spelt out, he followed up for good measure.

“You look _incredible_ Rin.”

And just like the very first time Haru had kissed him, always like the first time, Rin felt his heart leap.

“And you look like Sherlock Holmes.” He teased gently, running his thumb over Haru’s cheek. Haru leaned into the touch before pulling away and motioning for Rin to follow him to the bedroom.

“Come on Watson, I’ll lend you a tie. My father gives me a new one every birthday.”

”Like hell would I be Watson.” Rin protested.

But he let Haru pick out an expensive looking sapphire coloured tie and obediently stood still while Haru fixed it around his neck. Haru’s fingers glanced across his throat as he worked, incidental feather light touches as his brow furrowed slightly in concentration. Rin heard himself swallow thickly. They’d been officially going out for over a year now, and ‘together’ unofficially almost as long before that, but he still regularly had moments when being this close to Haru took his breath away.

“There, turn around.”

Rin did as he was told and turned to face the mirror hanging on Haru’s wall. Haru slid his arms around him from behind, resting his chin against Rin’s shoulder. The Rin in the mirror blushed slightly, pleased at this sight of them.

“There, now you look perfect.” Haru murmured, kissing Rin’s neck. Rin shivered pleasantly.

“Good enough to impress the parents?” he smiled, fishing.  But it wasn’t the right thing to say. Haru pulled away abruptly and Rin turned to see a trace of alarm in his otherwise stoic expression.

“Rin you know we can’t….”

Rin cut him off, waving the objection away and pulling Haru close again.

“I know I know, Haru I’m kidding.”

Haru relaxed slightly, but his eyes still betrayed a genuine worry.

“Do you really want to do this Rin? You know you don’t have to come. It will be dull. All my father talks about is work and money.”

Rin nodded firmly. “I’m sure. Haru it will be fine. I just want to meet them. They’re your parents after all. And I promise I won’t do anything embarrassing and I’ll resist the urge to leap on you.”

Haru’s eyes sparkled.

“We’re still early if you need to get it out your system…”

He looped his arms under Rin’s shoulders and kissed him, tugging them both backward until they tumbled onto the bed.

Rin temporarily allowed himself to get lost in kisses, in the feel of Haru’s mouth, soft and warm and eager against his own, in his body pressed under him, until Haru’s hand started to roam underneath his jacket.

“ _Haru_ ….” he murmured in warning, feeling his blood heat.

“Let’s not go. I’ll cancel and we can stay here and not eat dinner.” Haru whispered in his ear, voice low and husky. Rin fleetingly considered testing how serious the offer was, but managed to master himself. Prodding Haru firmly in the ribs, he pushed himself up and raised a brow, trying to look outraged.

“Haruka Nanase! Are you trying to seduce me to avoid seeing your parents?”

Haru’s eyes flashed wickedly and he hooked a leg over Rin’s to tackle him until their positions were reversed, Rin’s back to the bed, Haru leaning over him, face pressed close.

“Since when do I have to try, Rin?”

“My boyfriend, the great romantic everybody” Rin moaned, but it wasn’t convincing. He never got tired of getting to call Haru that - his _boyfriend_ \- only then, just for a moment, he indulged himself in the thought of what it might be like to call him something else. _Fiancé. Husband_. His chest fizzed with happy excitement.

But he was getting ahead of himself. With a little maneuvering he managed to push a knee between them and rolled Haru to the side.

“Knock it off! We can’t be late and you’re getting me all rumpled.”

Haru struggled half heartedly, moving to bury his face in the crook of Rin’s neck and grumbling against his skin before he landed a final kiss against the corner of his mouth and relented, shifting to lie next to him and reaching over to a brush his hand lazily though Rin’s hair, his blue eyes filled with affection. The gesture was so tender that Rin felt it right down to his toes.

“I like you rumpled.” Haru retorted, the smallest smile playing on his lips before his face grew serious. “You know that I love you, don’t you Rin? I do tell you that, right?”

Rin felt his chest tighten almost painfully. Despite all the times, all the ways, they had lain together, Haru always still looked at him with that wonder in his eyes, as if he couldn’t quite believe they had come together in this way. It was absurd to be this happy, this in love.

“Yeah Haru, I know. I love you too.” Rin whispered, voice hoarse and he pulled Haru close for a final chaste press of lips.

“Stay here tonight. After dinner. Give me something to look forward to.” Haru murmured, a faint blush heating his cheeks. It wasn’t a question, but Rin nodded anyway, shivering with happy anticipation at the hours they would have together that night.

But first, he had to make sure that dinner went well…

* * *

Still grumbling mildly about the boring evening they were about to submit themselves to, Haru insisted they take a cab rather than battle again with the evening rush and so they zipped across midtown Tokyo, skirting round the imperial palace. Rin couldn’t help jittering a little with nerves, but he felt himself relax when Haru reached for him, tucking their clasped hands between them and squeezing Rin’s fingers gently. This was all going to work out.

They arrived at the address Haru had given a full 15 minutes early but the entrance was so discreet they almost missed it before Haru eventually spotted a small sign in polished gold. Rolling his eyes, he led them into what turned out to be an upscale french-style restaurant. They were immediately pounced upon by a smartly dressed waiter, but sighing Haru remarked he could already see his parents seated inside.

“You ready?” He questioned. Rin nodded, forcing himself to behave and not to take Haru’s hand.

Taking in his surroundings, Rin was doubly glad he’d made the effort to dress up. He’d never been anywhere as fancy before - the main room filled with large circular tables draped in heavy crisp white cloth, the place settings gleaming and the low lighting casting everything with a rich golden glow. It was about three quarters full already, the other diners all dressed in slick looking suits and elegant dresses, a gentle buzz about the place as people conversed quietly, glasses clinking and the sparkle of jewels hitting the light. Looking utterly unmoved by the grand setting, Haru quietly led Rin across the dining room to a semi-private alcove where his parents were already seated. Rin felt his stomach flutter with nerves. He was finally going to meet the people who he hoped would become his future in-laws.

“Haruka, glad you could finally join us.” His father called out, standing to greet them.

Mr Nanase was a touch shorter than his son, and by extension Rin too, but he cut an imposing figure. He was well built, with broad shoulders and looked fit for his age, his neat hair showing only the smallest slivers of grey at his temples and his skin lightly tanned and smooth. He wore thin golden framed glasses and a blank, inscrutable expression on his face. Like Haru, he was dressed in an expensive looking three piece suit, his tastefully accessorised with solid looking gold cufflinks at the wrist and a jade tie pin.

“We’re early.” Haru grumbled under his breath but bowed politely nonetheless. Rin was a little thrown by the formality but managed a clumsy bow too.

Haru’s mother had stayed seated quietly and was understated compared to her husband, draped in a thick black kimono, hair lightly threaded with silver and pinned back tightly, no jewelry on show. Haru clearly took his pale skin and blue eyes from her though, and she fixed Rin with a quick piercing gaze, the blue only slightly less brilliant than Haru’s, yet significantly colder somehow.

“I thought it would be Makoto joining us?” She turned to Haru dismissing Rin almost completely.

Two bright pink spots appeared on Haru’s cheeks, but otherwise his face stayed tight and impassive. “No. This is Matsuoka Rin. I’ve spoken about him before.”

“Ah, the swimmer educated in Australia. How pleasant of you to join us Mr Matsuoka.” Mr Nanase finally turned to him and so Rin bowed again feeling as if he’d already misstepped somehow. Mr. Nanase had delivered the word ‘swimmer’ with a wrinkle in his nose as if it smelled bad, and it seemed anything but _pleasant_ that Rin was there. He tried not the let the exchange ruffle him, but as a first impression it wasn’t exactly what he had hoped for.

He rolled his shoulders back slightly and fixed a polite smile on his face. _This just means I have a little more work to do to be charming_. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Mr Nanase, Mrs Nanase. Thank you for allowing me to join you for dinner. Please call me Rin.”

The three of them joined Haru’s mother seated at the table and settled into an awkward silence while a waitress handed them each menus and poured elegant cups of warm sake. Rin clutched the menu card nervously, feeling his palms sweating. He thought of the happy noisy dinners he and his mom and Gou would have when they visited him in Tokyo and felt a pang of sorrow. _Was this really how Haru grew up?_ Haru had briefed him that his father didn’t value small talk, but it was quite something else to see it in person. Haru was seated to Rin’s left, facing his father. To Rin’s right there were two additional place settings making up the third side of a square. Rin was just wishing they were on a slightly smaller table and not so distant from each other when Haru broke the silence, eyes flicking over the menu in a bored fashion. Rin had already seen there wasn’t any mackerel. Or any prices.

“Are we expecting company?”

Mr. Nanase looked up from his own menu then, fixing his son with a firm gaze.

“We are. Mrs Otsuka and Miss Otsuka will be joining us for dinner. Mrs Otsuka is currently visiting from Nagoya and we thought this would be an excellent opportunity to start formalising arrangements.”

Haru dropped the menu with a start, his hands becoming fists clenched against the table and his head jerking up toward his father so fast that it caused Rin to flinch.

“You can’t. You said there was more time.”  
  
“Watch your tone when you speak to your father.” Haru’s mother cautioned quietly, folding her arms across her body. Her blue eyes flicked again towards Rin.

But Rin couldn’t tear his eyes from Haru, who had gone suddenly so white he was almost grey, his eyes wide and panicked but lowered now, seemingly fixed determinedly at something only he could see on the spotless tablecloth.

“Please…don’t do this. Please. Not now. I won’t ever ask you for anything else just... _Please_.” Haru folded forward, his voice suddenly sounding very small and very young, and while he couldn’t understand what was happening, Rin felt a flutter of panic in his chest.  

Haru’s father leaned forward then, fixing a level gaze at the top of his son’s head. He spoke with a voice that was low but dangerous. A man who was used to people making the effort to listen to what he had to say.

“Haruka, your mother and I have tolerated your swimming, and other…” His eyes flicked briefly to Rin’s tie. “...proclivities this long. But you are about to turn 20 and when you do it’s time to put these childish things aside and get serious about your future.”

“We agreed...” Haru started, but he was interrupted by the motion of his parents rising to stand. Rin stood too on reflex, but Haru just stayed hunched over, looking like he wanted to fold completely in on himself.

“Speaking of your future, here they are now.” Haru’s father announced, his tone becoming smooth and light as he motioned to two women that were winding their way towards the table. 

 _“Haru, Haru what’s wrong? What’s happening?”_ Rin tried to hiss down at Haru, but either his words were swallowed in the general commotion, or Haru was too far gone, frozen in place and seemingly trying to disappear by sheer force of will.

Rin turned to look at the women who had joined them. One was roughly middle aged looking, dressed similarly to Haru’s mother in a traditional kimono, only hers was a deep jade colour and tied with a richly embroidered obi.

The other woman was much younger and dressed in a delicate pink dress, overlaid with a lacy, gauzy kind of fabric, her hair was styled in coils and pulled back from her face with a ribbon. She was pretty, very pretty and despite her girlish attire looked to be approximately his own age. She approached the table with her head bowed deferentially while the older woman clasped hands with Haru’s mother warmly.

Haru’s father opened his arms wide in a gesture of welcome.

“Mrs Otsuka, Miss Otsuka, we are delighted you could join us. May I introduce you to Mr Matsuoka. He swims with Haruka.”

The younger woman’s eyes brightened at that and she turned to Rin eagerly. “Oh I know all about you. It’s so lovely to finally meet you. I’m Otsuka Fumiko, Haruka’s intended.”

“Intended for what?” Rin asked stupidly, feeling as though his thoughts were two steps behind his body which had already started to shake.  
  
Fumiko frowned slightly and gave a small nervous laugh. “His fiancé. Surely Haruka must have mentioned me? We’ve been engaged since we were children.” She directed a sweet smile at the top of Haru’s head before taking a seat.

Mrs Otsuka regarded Rin suspiciously. “What did you say this young man was doing here?”

Haru’s mother shrugged and gave a dismissive wave of her hand. “I believe this is the best man Haruka has selected. We were expecting another boy with less alarming hair.”

Rin’s legs seemed to give way and he collapsed into his chair with a thud. He was dimly aware of conversation happening around him, Haru’s parents, Fumiko laughing warmly, but he couldn’t really hear over the sound of his heartbeat thudding in his ears, a cold sweat breaking out. _Fiancé..._

He felt numb. He looked around the table uncomprehending. None of this made any sense. This woman, these people, Haru, _his Haru._

Rin looked down and noticed his hands had started to shake, a strange tingling starting to spread from his fingertips right along his arms. He wondered absently if he might be about to pass out.

Haru, who up until that point had stayed silent and frozen seated by his side, very slowly reached his arm under the table and lightly circled Rin’s wrist with his thumb and forefinger.

" _Rin”_

His name was barely a whisper and Haru still wouldn’t look at him. And for some reason it was that, that small brush of his fingers, the glancing sensation of Haru’s skin against his own, that finally caused Rin’s world to crack. 

He lurched suddenly, stumbling to his feet, his chair falling backward behind him creating a sharp smack of sound. He flinched at the noise, becoming vaguely aware of heads turning his way, a soft wave of muttering from across the dining room just managing to hit him through the icy panic that was threatening to overwhelm him.

He needed to get out of there. 

“I don’t feel well. I’m ...I’m very sorry. Please excuse me.” he choked out, bowing stiffly to Haru’s parents before making for the door as quickly as he could.

He could hear his name called after him, followed by a ‘you sit back down right now’ but he didn’t look back. Couldn’t.

Ducking between waiters and fancy floral arrangements, Rin was just able to make it outside before he really did start to feel sick. He dashed round to the welcome dark of a side alley and was just able to crouch behind some bins before his stomach heaved painfully, surrendering its contents. He gripped the wall, his breath coming out in heavy pants. _Haru had a fiancé_ _. His Haru._

_“Rin!”_

He looked up to see Haru appear, skidding at the entrance to the alley. His hair was ruffled, skin still pale and eyes wide with panic. He looked otherworldly, too beautiful to be real. Rin wiped his mouth with the back of his hand feeling weak and ashamed. He knew by contrast he must look a mess. _No wonder…_

Haru dashed toward him, reaching to grip his shoulder desperately.

“Rin please. Don’t leave. Come back. I can explain. I’ll explain later I will, just please… don’t leave me.”

Rin felt dizzy.

“Haru what the fuck _was_ that?” He croaked out feeling nauseous still. “That woman, they said…” he trailed off. Haru looked scared, he looked guilty, but he wasn’t trying to deny it or to pretend that there had been some mistake. _So it’s really true._

_Oh. Oh no._

Rin tried to turn away from him, his voice hoarse, but Haru’s grip held firm.

“You...you do. You have a fiancé. She’s… you’re engaged….All this time? Why...why didn’t you tell me?”

Rin wasn’t sure when he had started crying, but he could feel the tears on his cheeks.

"Please Rin. It’s not what you think...I...I thought I had more time, I didn’t know that they were going to…It's not how it seems.” Haru’s eyes searched Rin’s face desperately, Rin wondered absently what he was hoping to see.

“It seems pretty fucking clear to me Haru.” Rin fought the rising sob. “Are you in love with her?”

Haru pushed Rin backward against the wall then, his fingers digging into his shoulders, face close trying to force Rin to meet his gaze.

“Rin no! I love you, you know I love you. It’s not like that...It’s not like that at all just...calm down, please. I can explain.”

It was the very worst thing he could have said. Rin bristled, shoving Haru off him with such force Haru stumbled to keep his footing.

“ _Calm down?_ I just found out my boyfriend has a secret fiancé and you want me to be calm?”

“Rin I wasn’t going to marry her…”

“What about me? Were you ever going to marry me?” Rin snapped, feeling childish. Haru froze.

“Rin, you know that we can’t…” he started softly.

But Rin cut him off. “There are ways. Places we can. I looked it up. Didn’t you ever picture us together like that? A year from now? 5? 10?”

Rin looked at Haru desperately then, his voice breaking with fresh tears, trying to read some hope in his expression. But Haru’s face was still blank with shock, mouth formed into a small surprised ‘o’. Rin found the silence damning and suddenly felt very very small and foolish. Of course Haru had never thought about them like that. Not when he apparently already had someone to marry.

Wiping his face roughly on his sleeve, Rin fixed Haru with a feral glare.

“I guess that answers that. Just one more question then. Why would you do this Haru? Bring me here knowing it didn’t mean anything.”  
Haru looked close to tears himself.  
“Rin that’s not fair. My parents haven’t spoken about it in years … I never thought they’d do this. And you begged me. You begged me to come.”  
“Yeah, because I thought we had a future. I thought it mattered.”  
“Rin we do. It does ...please...”

“Haru just stop lying to…”

Rin stopped dead, cut short by the appearance of Mr Nanase in the alley entry, the gold of his glasses flashing. Face still utterly unreadable. Rin looked between Haru and his father. Trying to find some, any resemblance between the two men. Hoping, madly, that Mr Nanase might be about to say it was all a bad joke. A mistake.  
  
But Mr Nanase ignored Rin and just fixed his stare at the back of his son’s head. Haru seemed to tense as if the gaze hurt but didn’t turn.

“Haruka Nanase you will return to dinner right this instant.”  
“I need to stay. Rin is not well.” Haru bit out stiffly, still not turning.  
“Then I suggest it would be best for everybody if Mr. Matsuoka took himself home. You will return and apologise to the ladies for your rudeness. Do not make me tell you again or there will be consequences.”

Haru shot Rin a final desperate look.  
“Rin... _please_.” His voice was barely a whisper.  

But Rin ignored him. He pushed past Haru who didn’t really fight him, his shoulders sagging. Rin couldn’t look him in the eye.

“I can’t be here Haru. I just...I need to go home. Give your fiancé my apologies.”

“Rin, please don’t do this.” Haru started to shout after him, but Rin was already half running, desperate to be anywhere else, to just disappear.  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo please forgive me for indulging my (perhaps irrational) HC that the Nanase's are not good parents. This is actually kind of a rework of some old bits of fic that I never did anything with/ just sat languishing on my computer so I wanted to have a go at rewriting and turning into a coherent story (anyone else find stuff they wrote a long time ago and just...hate all of it?)
> 
> Also a slight disclaimer for later chapters: I'm pretty sure I got the way academic years/ holiday breaks work in Japan totally wrong but as the plot occurs mostly between Haru and Rin’s birthdays and I also needed some summer break/ semester changes in that time I’m not sure how to go about fixing it. So please forgive past me for not researching better and present me for not really having the time to do that scale of a rewrite. I hope it’s not too distracting/doesn’t stop this from being in anyway way interesting or enjoyable to read.
> 
> Anyway enough rambling. And thank you if you got this far reading :) 
> 
> **Next chapter**  
>  Rin is missing and Haru tries desperately to track him down.


	2. TWO

Haru pressed Rin’s buzzer again before banging a few times against the door. It was the third time he had been to the apartment in under 24 hours and he had mostly given up hope of an answer, but he was running out of places left to check.

A door to the left of him opened up and an old woman stuck her head out and glared at him. Haru bowed apologetically and bent to slip another note under Rin’s door. He hadn’t managed to see or speak to him since Friday evening and it was now early Saturday evening.

He’d been forced to stay through dinner, not touching his food or hearing a word that was said before sprinting off at the first available opportunity to Rin’s apartment. The lights had been off and there hadn’t been an answer. He’d known Sousuke was away for the weekend so he tried in vain to think of where else Rin could have stayed. He walked the streets until the early hours like a ghoul unable to bear going home without Rin, calling him again and again, his voice messages getting more and more desperate.

He was filled with panic and pain and a thick, heavy self loathing. He could have avoided this. Should have been honest with Rin a long time ago, should have explained, should have prevented him from meeting his parents. Should have, should have, should have …

The matter of his engagement had just always seemed so remote to him. Entirely separate to his real life in Iwatobi and Tokyo. To his life with Rin. It had been decided when he was barely in elementary school, a cursory play date with a girl in pigtails who didn’t like mackerel and didn't know how to swim, and since then it had always just been a background detail in his life, only really relevant in passing on the once or twice yearly dinners with his parents.

So he’d kept it a secret. Private. Telling his friends, telling Rin, would have only served to make it feel real.

It hadn’t helped that there had been a long period of time when he had felt so apathetic about his future that it hadn’t really seemed to matter what his parents thought or what they did or didn't demand of him. And Haru would be lying if in the past just letting his parents get on with the fantasy of his marriage hadn’t been beneficial in some ways. Keeping quiet about the match had prevented them from insisting he be paraded around at society events like a prize bull, and they had been willing to leave him to live in relative peace in his grandmother's house in Iwatobi. As long as he could swim that was all he had been able to picture wanting for himself.

And then Rin had happened…

_What future? What is it you think that I have? I’m nothing like you. I’ll never be like you._

He remembered screaming the words at Rin, overwhelmed, frustrated and angry that Rin would dare to want things for Haru that Haru knew he couldn't have. Willing Rin to understand but not brave enough to tell him. Rin hadn’t given up on him though, instead he had shown him how to dream, how to hope. What it was to want for himself. And so after their trip to Australia, bolstered by Rin’s passion, by Makoto’s unshakable faith and confidence in him he’d asked his father for a meeting.

He’d been determined that he would find a way to free himself from the obligation without anyone ever having had to know. He’d persuaded his parents to put a hold on his marriage, to let him try for the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, to let Fumiko finish her studies before anything was finalised. His father was no great supporter of his swimming, but with the aid of the letters from the scouts who had sent him offers Haru had thought he had adequately persuaded him to let him try and bring status to his family that way.

At the time he’d felt so hopeful, felt that he might have found a way to pursue his dream with his parents support. Now though he just felt foolish for ever having believed they would release him from his duty as their only son and heir.

He didn’t dislike Fumiko and he didn’t blame her. If he had to sum up their relationship it would best be described as mutual disinterest. Fumiko didn’t want a husband, she wanted adventure and a career. And Haru didn’t have any need or desire for a wife.

Their parents however clearly had other plans. The match was supposed to be beneficial for both parties, bolstering the Nanase business empire with a formal tie to one of Tokyo’s oldest families while also reviving the Otsuka’s failing finances.

Fumiko and he had exchanged a few quick texts after the disastrous dinner. She was sympathetic to a point, but seemed firm in her belief that between them they could make Rin understand and was more concerned about the sudden expediting of their union. Her confidence in Rin had calmed him momentarily, but as the hours ticked by and he had no contact his panic reemerged with a vengeance.

Saturday was their one day off training, and Haru couldn’t remember the last time they hadn’t spent it together, tangling up in one of their beds for as long as possible until they had to run errands or study or meet friends. But always together. 

He’d spent the day visiting every place he could think of that Rin might be, criss-crossing Tokyo with increasing desperation. He visited any place they’d ever had a date, all Rin’s favorite parks and coffee shops, He checked the pool and the gym twice before circling back to Rin’s apartment. Still no answer. He’d text Makoto keeping things vague and called Sousuke who answered with an irritated _‘what’_ before confirming he hadn’t heard from Rin.

_“I thought he would of been with you today, wasn’t last night the big meet-the-parents dinner?”_

Haru froze, not ready to explain. Sousuke’s voice turned cold. _“Haru did something happen? What are you not saying? Is Rin ok?”_ Haru hung up flustered and tried to ignore the stream of texts that followed.

This was bad.

At dusk he sat on a bench in Yoyogi park and tried to stem the rising panic.

He thought back to when he and Rin had first gotten together, of all the hurts and fights and misunderstandings they’d had to weather to finally just admit to each other the truth of their relationship. It had taken him longer than it should have to understand his own feelings, but as soon as the realisation had hit he’d been unwavering in his love for Rin.  

But it still hadn’t been easy. For a time back then Rin had hated himself so much that there hadn’t been much room for anyone else. It had taken work for Haru to break those walls. And even then, when they’d first come together Rin had been like a wild animal, flighty and afraid, always with one foot out the door. Ready to jump before he was pushed.

Because in a way there had been a safety in the early volatility, in the predictable pattern of push-pull, advance and retreat. Rin had seemed to need it, to thrive off it. And so it was only when Haru had made it clear that he wasn’t going to resist him, wasn’t looking for a fight, just wanted him, all of him, that Rin had shown the truth of just how terrified he was. 

Haru was still surprised sometimes that under all that blistering self confidence, the flirting, those easy smiles and ready laughs, Rin had held in so much pain and self doubt. That in his quieter, softer moments, Rin who was so much to so many people - who was _everything_ to Haru - had still worried about not being enough.  
  
Rin had expected Haru to run - he’d known he was hard work, felt sure he would be too difficult to love, that Haru would find it bothersome - a small part of him had even welcomed it. But Haru had just fallen harder. And realising that Haru still wanted him, was offering him his whole heart and wanted nothing more or less than all of Rin’s in return, well that had seemed to finally allow Rin to be the one to stop running.

When Rin had finally made the move to join him in Tokyo and they’d officially reunited as boyfriends it had been like a missing piece of Haru’s heart had slotted back into place. Because once he had finally let himself, truly let himself, Rin loved Haru with everything he had. Loved him in a way that Haru hadn’t known it was possible to be loved. Haru had never felt such freedom, such belonging, such peace as the days - days like today should have been - when he and Rin could just be together, sharing the minutiae of their lives.

And so ever since he’d made the first fumbling play for Rin’s heart, Haru had known that what was between them was important, precious, something he needed to protect at all cost. Because for all Rin’s blustering around the world as if he were a bull in a china shop, he was actually the one most likely to break. Haru had seen it once before, and ever since then it had been his deepest fear that Rin might disappear again one day, but that this time he would not be able to find his way back to him. He felt that fear resurface as icy fingers around his heart. _What if this was it, what if he had ruined everything?_

Haru didn’t normally seek out hard work, but he was willing to work hard now, willing to do whatever it took to prove to Rin his feelings hadn’t been a lie. That Rin’s heart was still safe with Haru. Rin was the love of his life, had been the most important person to Haru since he was 12 years old.

He stood sharply. He had to keep looking, but he wavered slightly about which direction to go.

He decided to try the apartment again. At least, he thought, Rin would have to see him tomorrow. They had dry land training in the morning and pool time scheduled in the afternoon. He would see Rin and he would explain and everything would be ok

It would be ok. It had to be.

* * *

Haru stood at the edge of the pool with his teammates worrying his cap and goggles in his hand. Their afternoon pool session was due to start in 5 minutes and Rin still hadn’t arrived. He hadn’t been at dry land training that morning either - a first for Rin - and Haru was starting to feel himself fall apart with the worry of it. He was trying to breathe calmly, telling himself Rin was just late, but as each second passed without the familiar flash of red hair the sickness he felt over it just built and built.

“Right, usual warm ups then we’ll be working muscular endurance today so get ready for lots of paddle work!” Coach Mikitani emerged with his clipboard and around Haru his teammates started jumping into the pool to complete their warm up laps.

Haru bit his lip and turned to head for the changing rooms. Coach Mikitani caught on far too quickly and grabbed Haru by the shoulder.

“And where are you going Nanase? Don’t tell me paddle work still offends your ‘water-feel’. How many times do I have to tell you it's designed to help you feel it _more._ ”

Haru shook his head. “Rin’s still not here. I need to find him.”

Coach frowned and looked around as if only just realising Rin was indeed absent, and a flash of concerned played over his features. Haru didn’t think Rin had missed a training session in his life, let alone two in a row. If anything since he joined the Tokyo team his coaches actively had to discourage him from doing extra training…

Mikitani let out a sigh. “I’ll look into it Nanase. But just because he’s skipping doesn’t mean you can too. Now get in the pool.”

Haru opened his mouth to protest but was silenced by a shrill blow of his whistle.

“Now Nanase”.

* * *

Haru rushed out of training to find his phone buzzing in his bag with several missed calls and new messages. His heart dropped when he saw that none of them were from Rin, but that Sousuke had been texting and calling him every few minutes for nearly an hour.

_ Haru pick up! _

_ Where is Rin? _

_ Is he with you? _

_ What’s happened? _

Haru shoved on his clothes as fast as he could - not even bothering to change out of his jammers so the fabric was instantly soaked - before charging out of the facilities, leaving his teammates bemused in his wake.

Sousuke’s messages became increasingly frantic as Haru scrolled down, and he’d clearly spoken to Makoto as there were several messages from him too pleading with Haru to call.

Haru braced himself and the next time the phone rang he answered

 _“Haru what the fuc_ _k is going on!”_ Sousuke’s usual drawl sounded tight and frantic. _“I can’t get hold of Rin and you’re starting to scare me. Did something happen? I asked Makoto to check the flat and Rin’s not there... his beds not been slept in and he saw a bunch of your notes pushed under the door. And the machine! Apparently there’s a message from your coach saying Rin skipped training today?”_

 “He’s ...he’s not been home?” Haru stammered. The world seemed to lurch sideways and he had to stop and grip onto a wall to stay upright.

_“Haru, now’s the part you tell me what happened? What is going on?”_

Haru closed his eyes and croaked out “Dinner...with my parents...it didn’t go well. Rin ran off...I haven’t seen him.”

_“What? What does that mean?”_

Haru swallowed heavily.

“Sou, Rin wouldn’t... you don’t think he’d...”

 _“No.”_ Sousuke snapped. _“Never. Not to his mom, not to Gou. Why are you even asking me that?”_

“Sou I really messed up. And I...I don’t know where he is.”

He could hear Sousuke grinding his teeth down the line.

_“Haru, I don’t know what that means, but right now we need to find Rin. When did you last see him?”_

“Friday. About 9.” Haru’s chest was squeezing painfully, He couldn’t believe they were having this conversation.

_“Ok. If we haven’t heard from Rin and he’s not at training tomorrow morning it's time to start thinking about contacting the police. In the meantime you keep looking, I’m going to speak to Gou and his mom and see if they’ve heard anything from him.”_ Sousuke spoke through gritted teeth.

“The police? I thought you said he wouldn't….”

_“He won’t. But if nobody really has heard from him and we can’t find him them we’re going to need help. Ok Haru? But you have to keep looking.”_

“I will.”

Sousuke paused on the line.

“ _Haru… what could possibly be so bad that Rin had to run off?_

“I need to go Sousuke. I need to find him.”

Haru cut the call feeling wretched.

* * *

Haru didn’t sleep at all that night. After training he’d spent hours walking round the university area hoping to catch sight of Rin or anyone that might have seen him. As darkness hit he’d eventually trailed home numb with fear and attempted a fitful rest before getting up again at 2am and battling with himself over if he should start calling hospitals.

By the time dawn finally broke and it was time for their morning training session Haru was a wreck. His hands trembled as he changed and he walked out onto the pool deck on shaking legs, in his mind he was already making the journey to the local police station where he’d have to formally accept that Rin was missing. He’d need a picture. He felt the threat of nausea bubble up. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if something had happened to Rin ...

His eyes were immediately pulled to a flash of red. _Rin._

Rin was stood with his back half to Haru, still in his warm ups and facing their coach, his body folded into a formal bow.

Haru’s head spun as he willed his legs not to give out as he walked toward him. _Rin was here. He was safe. He was really here._

As Haru got closer, he could just pick up the ends of Rin’s speech.   

“...It won’t happen again. I’ll do double sets today to make up the time. Please accept my apology.”

He looked terrible. There were deep dark circles under his eyes and his hair was dull and scraped back haphazardly from his face. He looked like he hadn’t slept or showered or eaten in days. Misery rolled off him in waves and and even in the midst of his relief Haru felt the sharp bite of his guilt. _He was responsible for this, for Rin’s pain._

“Matsuoka I’ve already said its fine. You’re allowed to take time off for illness. You just need to call us next time” Coach’s eyes flicked to Haru “I’m just glad you’re OK. And Nanase here will be relieved too. He didn’t seem to know a paddle from a pull buoy yesterday.”

Haru felt as much as saw Rin stiffen. Rin didn’t turn.

Coach turned back to Rin and paused, a slight wrinkle forming in his brow.

“Are you _sure_ you’re well enough to be here Matsuoka? You look like perhaps you should still be in bed.”

“Yes. I want to swim.” Rin bit out stiffly. Body practically vibrating with tension.

“Ok.. well, just take it easy. 75% effort max and I mean that. Now get yourself changed. Nanase, what are you doing standing there? Get in the pool."

 _“Rin ...”_ Haru tried to call out, but Rin was already striding away to change while Coach hooked him round the shoulders and directed him sharply into a lane.

Haru worked his warm up absently, his skin vibrating with the anticipation of Rin joining him. They might not be able to talk yet, but surely at least swimming together would help. Would be a start.

But it never came. Instead Rin dived into the adjacent lane, choosing to work fly. Haru watched him while he took his prescribed rest periods and felt the unease roil within him. Rin wasn’t even acknowledging him ...

Haru tried to focus on working his set, waiting for the calm to wash over him, but the opposite happened. With each turn as he watched Rin’s form move through the water beside him he felt himself become more and more agitated.

Rin had disappeared for two days, two whole days that Haru had spent rushing round Tokyo scared half to death and now here he was swimming fly in the next lane over as if nothing had happened...as if none of it mattered.

Haru had been bracing himself for Rin’s anger, his tears… He had been ready for it, he deserved it. But this...blankness. That truly terrified him and it was rapidly becoming unbearable knowing that Rin was in the water only one lane over but feeling it was as if he was a million miles away.

Haru felt himself snap. Without really thinking it through at all on the next turn he pushed off hard, diving under the lane lane and intercepted Rin, tackling him around the waist.

It was a mistake of course. The impact of crashing head on into Rin as he was swimming definitely-more-than-75%-effort-fly knocked the wind from them both, sending them reeling. It hurt a lot more than Haru thought it would, he felt his arm scrape violently against the lane line and Rin’s elbow smacked him on the temple. Rin surfaced spluttering looking not much better, an angry red welt starting to form across his back and his goggles knocked from his face resulting in a small cut on his nose.

“Haru _what the fuck_!” He roared, shoving against Haru’s chest to try and separate them but Haru gripped his arm stubbornly so that they thrashed clumsily, churning up the water around them.

“Where were you?! You disappeared. For TWO DAYS you just disappeared. We need to talk about this.” Haru replied stubbornly despite instantly regretting what he’d done. Rin shoved him again, slamming his fist into the water in frustration.

“There’s nothing TO talk about. I just want to swim. Let me go.”

“Rin NO.”

Three blasts of a shrill whistle interrupted their fight, and they flinched with shock, turning to see Coach Mikitani turning almost purple on the side of the pool. Some of their teammates had already climbed out the water, watching them with shock written across their faces. Assistant coach Yamamoto had dropped her clipboard in surprise, one hand clasped over her mouth.

“Matsuoka, Nanase. Out of my pool and into my office NOW.”

Haru released Rin in surprise and felt a jolt of fear run through him. What had he just done? Wordlessly they swam to the end of the pool and jumped out. Rin wouldn’t even look at him, just shoving on his warm ups and marching in silence into the coaches office. Haru followed trying to ignore the eyes of his teammates who were all stood huddled and whispering on the pool deck. His arm had started bleeding from where he’d caught it against the ropes but it was nothing compared to the knot in his gut as he walked into the office. If Rin was punished for this...

“Close the door Nanase.” Coach Mikitani snapped slamming his clipboard on the table.

“Just what in the hell do you think you two are playing at. You could have been injured. You both could have been injured. Look at your arm Nanase. Is it worth it? Jeopardising your futures over…. Whatever the hell that was.”

Rin stayed silent, hunched over and staring blankly at the floor while his hair dripped wet patches on his shoulders.

Haru opened his mouth to explain, but Coach cut him off with a slash of his arm.

“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care what you think happened to cause this, but I will not tolerate common brawling in my pool. You are both nationally funded athletes, you are supposed to be setting an example to this team. Never in my career have I seen such a disgraceful display. You are both suspended for a week, effective _immediately_. I don’t want to see either of you anywhere near this training centre. And you best take this time seriously to consider what you are working toward here because if either of your times slip by so much as one hundredth of a second when you get back, so help me we will be having a very serious discussion about your futures on this team. I trust you understand me?”

Rin bowed low looking numb, but Haru still tried to argue.

“Coach with respect it was me not Rin. I take responsibility. Don’t punish him.”

“Nanase, you are choosing a very dangerous time to get chatty. One more word and I’ll make it two weeks. Now get yourself to the infirmary and have that arm looked at. No arguments.”

Haru opened and closed his mouth before setting his lips in a thin line and giving a short bow.

“You are dismissed. Get out of my sight the both of you.”

Haru waited until he was out of the room before he tried to grasp Rin’s arm.

“Rin I’m so---”

“Infirmary Nanase. Now!” came a booming voice.

Rin didn’t even look back as he stormed from the building.

* * *

Rin didn't go home. Instead he spent many hours holed up on campus and hiding in his department's common room. He was fairly certain Haru didn’t know about this place and Rin wasn’t ready to face him. He hadn’t studied, hadn’t even opened a book, had just sat in the corner with his head on the desk wishing he could will himself out of existence. He was grieving and sleep deprived and filled with shame at the very public dressing down he’d received in front of his team.

He finally plugged his phone in and answered the barrage of concerned messages that greeted him as concisely as possible, an extra layer of wretchedness settling over him. He deleted the texts and voicemails from Haru without opening. He felt at an utter loss as to what he was supposed to do. Sousuke wasn’t back until tomorrow, and even then he wasn’t sure if he was ready to face, ready to put into words, the utter bomb that had dropped onto his life.

Eventually, tiredness and hunger threatened to get the better of him. He glumly noted it was about the time the afternoon training session would be wrapping up and he reluctantly considered heading home, resigned to the possibility Haru would seek him out there.

He told himself his day couldn’t get any worse.  

But as he exited the campus his stomach dropped and he realised it was possible to feel worse. Much worse. Because a figure was stood at the main entrance, upright and alert, eyes seeking, long dark hair ruffling in the breeze.

Someone who he hadn’t known existed until a few days ago but whose name he felt written on the shards of his heart.

Fumiko Otsuka was stood waiting at the campus gates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next chapter**  
>  Rin's day gets worse :(


	3. THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:**  
>  This chapter contains a brief scene involving implied/attempted non-consensual sexual contact.

It was the last thing he needed. Despite already knowing deep down it was too late, Rin tugged his hood over his hair and hunched low, picking up his pace to try and march right past Fumiko. But no luck.

“Rin! Matsuoka, Rin!"

Rin bristled at the over familiarity but slowed a little anyway, trying to keep the bitterness from his voice. “Haruka’s not with me.”  

Fumiko looked unconcerned.

“No Rin I came to see you. I thought we might go somewhere and talk. Get a drink maybe.”

That caused Rin to pull up short. He turned toward her frowning. Dropping the pretense of civility he sighed heavily.

“A drink? And why would we do that?”

He looked over the girl before him and registered with some surprise that the Fumiko stood before him looked different to the girl he’d met briefly at dinner. She stood taller, more composed, and her clothes were understated in neutral tones. None of the pinks and ruffles he’d seen the other night. She looked at him more directly too, her gaze level and confident.

“Because I think we have things to discuss if Friday’s dinner was anything to go by.” Even her voice had lost some of its girlishnes.

Rin chewed his lip. He’d have been lying if he said he wasn’t looking for an excuse to stay away from his apartment…away from Haru...or that some masochistic part of him didn’t wanted to know more about this stranger who was to become Haru’s wife.

“Fine. Where?”

Fumiko nodded unsmilling. “Follow me then.”

They walked in silence away from the university towards a narrow block of streets filled with bars and restaurants before Fumiko stopped them in front of a faintly seedy looking cocktail bar, starting to reach for the door.

Rin frowned. “Wait, this is a bar.”

Fumiko turned toward him raising a perfectly groomed eyebrow. “Well noted. I think this conversation calls for a real drink, don’t you?”

Rin blushed despite himself. “I’m not 20 yet I can’t”

Fumiko tossed her head and pushed the door open regardless.

“So what. You look more than 20 and they won’t ID you if you’re with me. Not in a place like this.”  

Rin wavered. It went against all his better judgement and impulses….and yet something reckless tugged at him to go inside. He’d already lost Haru, maybe swimming too, what more was there to lose.

Making a decision he strode through the door first. “Fine. But you’re buying.”

* * *

 

Fumiko settled them in a corner booth and swiftly and decisively ordered them both a drink. It was quickly clear that the girlish deference from dinner was merely an act. She fiddled with her purse and pulled out a slim packet of cigarettes.

“Mind if I smoke?” she offered the packet to Rin.

“Yes. I do.” He bit out shortly.

Fumiko sighed and slid the packet away. Drink in hand, she fixed Rin with a confronting gaze.

“I suppose I owe you some form of an apology Rin. You see I know about you and Haruka and it hadn’t occurred to me that you might not be aware of our...arrangement. I imagine finding out that way was rather unpleasant for you.”

“No. I wasn’t.” said Rin shortly, not willing to go into it and half minded to get up and walk out the door. He took a large gulp of his drink, it was a strange combination of sweet and bitter with an acidic edge. Rin was certainly no expert, having only very rarely attempted to sip on a beer, but it didn’t taste like he expected alcohol to, not really.  

Fumiko took a sip of her drink too, seeming to be weighing up what to say next. When she did finally speak again, the tiredness in her voice surprised Rin.

“Rin, I know this must have been a shock to you. But please don’t be too angry at Haruka. This arrangement between him and I is just that. An arrangement our parents made when we were children. We never had a say in the matter. And truthfully, Haruka going along with the engagement has been a huge help to me. It’s allowed me keep studying, let me live independently. You don’t know how rare a thing that is in my world. I’m only supposed to aspire to be good wife. To pop out babies and stand prettily at my husband’s side. But, I won’t live that way, I refuse.”

Fumiko sat back then, seemingly surprised at the outburst, smoothing her hair slightly self consciously. Looking at her properly, Rin could see that she was more than just pretty, she was beautiful - poised with attractive dark eyes, her long hair free from the overblown ringlets of the previous night and instead styled slick and fashionably. He was sure if anyone saw them together they’d think how lucky he was to be out with a girl like her. How lucky Haru was…

“But you don’t love him.” Rin’s voice broke slightly and he cursed how pathetic he must sound.

Fumiko just laughed hollowly.

“What’s love got to do with it? No, for families like ours it’s all about the connections, the advantages a ‘suitable arrangement’ can bring. So Haruka and I, its a business deal really. And going along with it keeps our parents happy. He can keep swimming and I can keep studying. Maybe even work. I mean, originally the intention had been to put it off longer, indefinitely if we could, but it looks like time has run short for the both of us…”

She cradled her glass, staring at the liquid intently and looking suddenly wishtiful. “I’ve always known I was destined for an arranged marriage. The best I used to hope for was that the man wouldn’t be a drunk or a bully or a bore, but with Haruka...I suppose I feel like we could actually give each other a chance at being happy. He would let me be free to pursue a career as a proper working woman and I would support his swimming dreams. It’s the best people like us can hope for.”

Rin cut in shortly. “I’m sorry things are like that for you. Truly I am. But I’m not sure why you’re here. I assume you’re not asking for my blessing?”

Fumiko took a deep breath and met Rin eyes firmly.

“I’m here because Haruka’s swimming isn’t the only thing I’m willing to accomodate in our marriage. I might not love Haruka like you do, but I care about him, and if one of us has the chance to experience actual romantic love I don’t want to put a stop to that. So while I may not be able to stop a wedding, I don’t see why that has to change things between the two of you. I’m willing to turn a blind eye - as long as things were conducted with the required discretion.”

Rin’s mouth fell open with surprise.

“So…. what? You’re suggesting I become Haru’s… _mistress?_ ”

Fumiko smiled a little at that.

“Well, we tend to call them ‘ _special friends_ ’ when it’s between two men, but yes. That’s what I’m suggesting. I’d marry Haruka as planned and the two of you can simply carry on as you were. I mean, one day we might have to consider the subject of children but frankly that’s a long way off for me if ever….”

Rin shook his head. Absurdly he couldn’t prevent the laugh that bubbled up. “No. No way. I don’t want anything to do with it.”

“Look Rin, I know it’s a little unconventional, but wouldn’t you rather at least have some of Haruka than none of him at all?”  

“What I want is to marry him. I was going to propose.”

Fumiko shook her head looking sad.

“I’m sorry Rin, really I am. But I’m not willing to throw my life away and become some other man’s trophy wife when I have a real shot at pursuing my dreams. And perhaps you should think about Haruka too. What you’d be asking him to give up. His only family. His inheritance. The security of a good job with his father if swimming doesn’t work out or if he’s injured. All for what? So the two of you can get a piece of paper that most of Japan won’t even recognise.”  
  
“So what? I’m just supposed to step aside and be happy for you both?”  
  
“You could think about my proposal. I’m offering him a chance to have everything, you’re the one that’s making this a choice. I mean let’s say for argument's sake he does do what you want. He breaks the engagement. What does that leave him? Disowned, disinherited, broke aside from the chance - _just the chance_ \- that one of you might make it to the Olympics and be able to support yourselves with sponsorship deals until you’re what, 25? 28 if you’re lucky then what? And what if things don’t work out between you two? He’ll have thrown away his life - his family - for nothing.”  
  
“I can’t just sit back and watch him marry you and pretend it doesn’t change anything.”  
  
“Then maybe you don’t love him as much as you think you do”

Rin felt like he’d been slapped in the face. His mouth fell open wordlessly for a few moments before his eyes flashed. “I think we’re done here.”

Fumiko sighed and pulled out a slim designer purse before throwing a stack of bills onto the table and straightening up. “I agree. I can see I’ve offended your romantic sensibilities. But I really hope you will at least consider it Rin. Believe it or not I want things to work for you and Haruka. Just… think about my offer ok?”

Without a further glance, Fumiko stroad from the bar, leaving Rin staring at his half full glass feeling numb.

His eyes landed on the stack of bills. It was a lot, far more than their two drinks could possibly cost, it probably could have covered twenty drinks and Fumiko had tossed it down with barely a glance. Was this really what Haru’s world was like? How had he not known?

He fingered the bills considering, then snatched them up decisively and headed to the bar.

* * *

Rin kept drinking. The more the glasses he emptied the better the strange dark liquid tasted, and the more he felt the mess and pain of the day dull to a fuzzy static. He wondered why he’d never bothered to get drunk before, it felt good. Great actually. He didn’t need Haru. He didn’t need anyone. He was going to be fine.

He told himself this over and over even as the yawning emptiness inside refused to be filled by cheap booze. The surprise of the other night had rapidly faded away only to be replaced by a heavy, taunting sense of inevitability. Because had he really believed he would get to keep Haru? Had he really believed he could be that lucky? That happy? Wasn’t this pain at least partially his fault for dropping his guard?

Because Rin had used to be so tirelessly vigilant - so many years after his father's death spent working to be perfect, thinking that if he could just stay one step ahead of everything, one step away from everyone, nothing bad would happen to him again. But Haru….Haru had worked through his defenses, slipped in the cracks and made him believe it was ok to be open, to be vulnerable. Made him want to be. Made him feel like he could drop all the energy and effort of being perfect and just _be_. And so he hadn’t seen this coming, not in all his planning, all his preparations did it ever occur to him that Haru could be the one to hurt him more that anyone. He felt utterly scraped out and spent with the grief of it.

So why not get drunk.

Just as he was reaching the bottom of his fourth - _or was it fifth now?_ \- drink, he became dimly aware of a fellow patron from across the bar moving over to sit to his right. Rin didn’t bother to look over at first, instead signalling to the barman, but his arm was quickly intercepted.

“Hey, I’ll get this one, you look like you could do with some company.”

Rin turned to find he has been joined by a youngish looking man in a suit. He was tall, and broad shouldered, dressed well in a flashy tie, a heavy gold watch blinking at his cuff.

“Imm’ok thanks. Jus wanna be alone.” His voice sounded strange to his own ears. Slower and thicker. But the man just smiled at him.

“You’re a student at the University right? Rough day huh? Let me guess, girl troubles?’

Rin wrinkled his nose.

“Ah, guy troubles then?” The man winked confidently and despite himself Rin felt himself flush. He looked down at his empty glass.

“Ah bingo huh. Hey it’s ok. I’m not here to judge. Let me prove it - I’ll get the next round and you can tell me everything. A problem shared and all...”

 

The next round turned into another, and then another, and despite his initial reluctance before Rin knew it he had spilled his guts to the man opposite him - Hiroshi? Hiroda? Rin couldn’t quite remember - but he was a sympathetic listener and kept the drinks flowing.

Rin was surprised how quickly and easily it had all flooded out of him. The pain, the shock, the feeling of betrayal. As if somehow the alcohol had unstoppered the great dam of pain he’d been fighting against. Or maybe it was just that speaking to a stranger, someone who didn’t know him, didn’t know Haru, was easier than having to admit to his friends, his family that his dreams lay in ruins.

 

It was somewhere around the time the bar called for last orders that Rin realised he had lost the thread of their current conversation. That Hiroshi’s lips were moving but he was struggling to follow the words. He also became aware of a foreign weight on his leg.

Hiroshi had placed his hand on Rin’s thigh and was slowly starting to run it up and down, his behaviour otherwise unchanged as he took another swig from his drink. Rin sat up with a start, blinking foolishly. His eyes didn’t seem able to focus properly and he couldn’t recall how long the hand had rested there, but he decided sharply it was probably time to go home.

He made to stand up, but the floor seemed to shift suddenly under his feet and only Hiroshi rising to catch him under the arms prevented him from hitting the deck.

“Hey, woah there! I think you might be a little tipsy. Need help getting home?”

Rin shook his head thickly. “Mm’ok. Thank you. For the drunks. The drinks.” he found he couldn’t control his words properly. He tried to wave him off. “Home. Gonna go home.”

But two steps in and he felt the world tilt again and shift dangerously to black. Hiroshi appeared at his side and slung Rin’s arm over his shoulder.

“Here, let me help you. I’ll get you home safe. Let’s take a taxi.”

* * *

In the taxi, Rin wound down the window and stuck his head out, his hair whipping against his face as he tried desperately to keep his vision from blurring to black. He was vaguely aware of a nausea rising up, and of the figure in the taxi beside him, pressed just a little too close, a little too warm.

He was surprised when they arrived at his apartment building that Hiroshi jumped out the taxi too, waving off the driver.

“Let me help you up.” he explained cheerfully, wrapping his arm around Rin’s waist again. They staggered together making slow progress to the elevator and Rin felt Hiroshi’s hand a little too low on his waist, thumb slipping slightly under the fabric of his shirt.

He tried to focus on just getting home. Home where he could finally give in to the tugging tiredness behind his eyes and where the world would hopefully finally stop spinning.  

Once in the lift though, things started to feel very wrong. Hiroshi crowded up against him, his breath hot on Rin’s face. His hands starting to roam under Rin’s shirt.

“Man, I’ve been waiting to get you alone all night. You’re so hot.” He breathed huskily.

And then his tongue was suddenly rough in Rin’s mouth, tasting of cigarettes and beer. His body far too close, pushing against him in the confined space. Rin knew he should stop it, wanted to push him away, but he was frozen by the shock of it. It was as if his thoughts were too jumbled and no longer wholly connected to any control of his limbs. The only thing that could come through clearly was _No, Haru. Haru Haru Haru._

Thankfully, it was only a few brief moments until the doors pinged open and Hiroshi pulled away slightly, a smile on his lips.

“What number did you say you were, baby?”

Rin managed to slur our his flat number, thinking, hoping that perhaps it was a mistake. Perhaps that was it, a misunderstanding, a terrible goodnight kiss and then he could go home and sleep.

But Hiroshi pulled him close again, maneuvering them clumsily out the elevator and into the hall before pushing up against Rin in the corridor, his mouth dipping again to Rin’s as he murmured low and hot against his lips.

“Oh, the things I am going to do to you...”

Rin was strong, but that strength seemed to abandon him then as as he tried feebly to hold him at bay, just about managing to voice his protest before the taste was back in his mouth and the terrible wrongness of it all hit his guts again. He felt sick, and had just managed to twist his head away when a few things happened all at once.

First, he became dimly aware that they weren’t actually alone in the corridor, and that someone who had been seated against the door of his flat was now rising to stand.

Second, he registered a flash of images: dark hair, impossibly blue eyes, a pair of very familiar lips, pressed tight in a flat line.

_Haru_

He tried to call out, but the world tilted dangerously towards black again and he found himself instead gripping tight to the Hiroshi’s chest to stay upright, still pressed oppressively close against him.

“Get your hands _off_ him. Now. _Right now._ He said he doesn’t want to.”

Even in his drunkenness, Haru’s voice managed to cut through to Rin clear and cold. It rippled with a barely repressed rage that Rin had never heard from him before. He tried to wrestle from Hiroshi’s grasp, but felt his legs started to give way which only prompted Hiroshi to hold on tighter.

“That’s not what he’s been telling me all night. What’s it to you anyway?” Hiroshi snapped back at Haru nastily, his breath hot in Rin’s ear.

“He’s my Haru.” Rin fumbled out thickly, feeling a significant wave of nausea hit as he finally managed to twist himself out of Hiroshi's grasp, falling heavily down against the wall, head slumped between his knees.

Haru rapidly strode forward, stepping between Rin and Hiroshi, who backed up a little wearily holding up his hands in mock surrender but keeping the same taunting grin on his face.

Shaking slightly, his hands balled into fists, Haru’s looked so fierce that even Rin felt himself shrink back. “He’s my boyfriend. And you need to leave. Now.”

“Hey, its not my fault your guy’s a slutty drunk. Besides from what I hear you’re broken up. Which makes him fair game. Maybe you’re the one who should leave. Go back to your girl and let him have his fun.”

“He can barely _stand_.” Haru hissed out advancing. But Hiroshi just jutted his chin out, flashing a nasty smile.

“Well, we aren’t going to be doing much standing…”

The movement was too quick for Rin, but he managed to retain consciousness just long enough to be aware of the aftermath. A sickening crack followed by a figure sprawled on the floor and strong hands lifting him up, half dragging him toward his flat before fishing the keys from his pocket and pulling them both inside.

The darkness was pulling against him again, but Haru’s body was warm and safe and familiar. Rin almost let himself surrender to the black with the relief of it, but then hands were shaking him, gently tapping at his face.

“Rin, Rin you need to stay awake. You’ve had too much to drink.”

“Mmm gonna be sick.” he just managed to slur before the nausea rose up again more urgently this time. With Haru’s help, he reached the small ensuite just in time for him to retch violently into the toilet, the seemingly endless number of drinks he’d had coming back again and again to punish him.

Rin was only aware of what happened next in flashes as he felt himself slip in and out of consciousness. His heart running far too fast, his stomach muscles contracting painfully. His knees on the cold tiles. Cool calming hands on his back, holding his hair, pressing a damp cloth to his forehead and neck. He knew though, that Haru stayed with him, his quiet presence constant.

When the heaving finally stopped, Rin collapsed back to rest against the wall, Haru running the tap for a fresh cold cloth which he used to gently wipe Rin’s face.

Fighting to keep his eyes open, Rin looked up at Haru. Haru’s face was studiously blank as he carefully mopped Rin’s brow, eyes avoiding Rin’s. Rin wanted to say something, to apologise, make it better, but his tongue was thick and sore in his mouth so he stayed quiet feeling hopeless, just praying that the room would stop spinning.  

They stayed like that for a long while, Rin trying and failing to keep his head upright, Haru patiently watching him, occasionally refreshing the cloth with cool clean water to press against Rin’s neck and brow.

“Do you think you need to be sick again Rin? Or do you want to try lying down.” Haru asked him eventually, his voice quiet and calm.

Rin’s head was still spinning too much for words so he just nodded hoping Haru would get it. Haru’s lips were set in a tight line, but he understood. He slipped his arms around Rin’s shoulders and struggling they both stood before heading to Rin’s bedroom. Setting Rin on the bed, Haru looked away.

“Lift your arms”

“What?” Rin asked thickly.

“Lift your arms” Haru repeated, motioning to Rin’s shirt. “You can’t sleep in that its got vomit on it”

Rin did as he was told, feeling even more helpless and craving the quiet and dark of sleep, He let Haru pull his shirt off before clumsily pushing and pulling Rin into a soft cotton T-shirt, Rin trying to help but his limbs still too thick and slow. Haru knelt to unbuckle Rin’s pants, gently easing him out of them and discarding them along with the shirt.  

Haru disappeared then briefly before coming back holding a glass of water. He tilted Rin’s chin gently and held the glass to his lips as if he were a child.

“Here Rin. Just take small sips.”

Rin drank gratefully, trying to not to wobble too much against Haru, but feeling the heaviness of his limbs start to take over.

Haru set the glass aside and helped Rin into the covers, smoothing them over him.

“You should be ok to sleep now Rin. I’ll watch over you.”

Rin tried to fight the heaviness of his eyelids. Felt the urgent need to say something, to make Haru understand, but his body was betraying him, already pulling him under.

“Too fast. Everything broke. So fast.” Rin finally managed to mumble before succumbing to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next chapter**  
>  Haru takes care of Rin and they get the chance to talk.


	4. FOUR

Haru slid down the wall of Rin’s bedroom and curled his knees against his chest, as sick and shaky as if he had been drinking himself. He was tired in his bones but couldn’t sleep - wouldn’t - determined to stay awake and watch over Rin’s fitful dreaming. He didn’t know much about alcohol, but he was vaguely aware of stories of people dying in the night, of alcohol poisoning or the risk of choking, and he was scared at the idea of leaving Rin alone.

Even if he hadn’t needed the reassurance of watching the steady rise and fall of Rin’s chest his thoughts felt altogether too loud and too jumbled to allow him any rest; fear and sadness and guilt and relief and anger all swirling around at once. Anger at himself, but anger at Rin too.

_What the hell had Rin been thinking getting blackout drunk._

He balled his hands into fists and held them close against him to stop them from trembling.

Being honest, he blamed himself more than he blamed Rin. If he hadn’t made such a colossal series of mistakes there was no way that Rin would ever have been out getting drunk.

But still… that moment when the doors of the lift had opened and Rin had come tumbling out in the arms of another man. That split second of watching them pressed together against the wall before he had registered how drunk Rin was, that he hadn’t exactly been a willing participant... it had felt like someone had punched a hole right through his chest and Haru could still feel the pain of it as he watched Rin sleep. It hurt to look at him, the image of a strangers mouth pressed against his playing on repeat in Haru’s head. He felt utterly hollowed out.

Ever since the disaster that had been dinner with his parents it was as if everything had started to unravel, to spiral out of control and away from him so fast that Haru couldn’t get his grip. He just wanted everything to stop, to hold still for just a few moments so that he might find his bearings and work out a path through this mess.

He had been so determined that he would protect Rin from this, determined that he could deal with it quietly and alone before Rin would ever have to know. Now he was torn apart by the knowledge that instead the pain unleashed had landed threefold, and that he himself owned the greatest share in it. That he’d done the very last thing he’d ever wanted - he’d hurt Rin. _How had he gotten it all so wrong._ He needed to find a way to fix this. To heal the hurt. Yet watching Rin sleep, cheeks still marked with tear tracks, Haru couldn’t help but worry that he might have already inflicted damage that was beyond repair.  

As the dawn light started to creep into the room, turning everything slowly from grey to pink, Rin’s sleep finally seemed to ease and soften. Haru lifted himself up from the floor and crept quietly across the room to slip into the bed behind him. 

Carefully, not wanting to wake the sleeping redhead, he curled his body around Rin’s. Rin was warmer than usual, his skin a little clammy, but Haru still felt soothed by the familiar heat and weight of him, tentatively slipping his arm under Rin’s elbow to rest across his chest. He felt the strong steady beat of Rin’s heart under his palm and buried his face against Rin’s neck, pressing a single soft kiss to the delicate notch at the top of his spine, and another just behind the shell of Rin’s ear. Rin stirred slightly, making a gentle sighing sound, but didn't wake.  
  
The hair at the nape of Rin’s neck was still a little damp - a mix of sweat and water from the cold cloths Haru had used - and Haru could smell the lingering beer and cigarettes of whatever bar Rin had been in, plus a faint sourness from the resulting sickness, but underneath it was still Rin, his Rin, and he breathed him in deeply. They’d crushed together in this bed so many times that if he shut his eyes and ignored his racing thoughts, if he concentrated only on Rin, he could almost imagine that nothing had changed. Could set aside everything that weighed heavy and unspoken between them, the primal fear he had felt at Rin’s disappearance, and just let the utter relief at having Rin there, of feeling him solid and safe in his arms, wash over him.  
  
Haru allowed himself to doze there for about an hour, not able to fall into proper sleep, before reluctantly he roused himself and let himself out of the apartment.

* * *

Rin woke with a start to the sound of a door closing.

He rolled onto his back only to groan loudly and press a hand to his forehead. It felt like his skull needed help staying together, a violent pounding pressing against his temples. Slowly raising himself up to sitting, his vision swam slightly before settling and he became aware of desperately thirsty he was. His mouth feeling dry and cracked.

He noticed a large glass of water set by his bed along with a packet of painkillers. He gulped down the liquid in one, chasing it with a few tablets before sitting and taking deep breaths, trying to make sense of the fuzzy blank in his memory. The last thing he could recall properly was leaving the campus. Running into Fumiko. Going into a bar…

_Oh...oh god._

Memories started to hit one after the other with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. His talk with Fumiko. The drink. The many more drinks after that. Rough hands against Rin’s skin. Lips that weren’t Haru’s pressing against his mouth. Haru. Haru.

_Oh god Haru had been there. Haru had seen._

Rin lurched out of bed onto shaking legs and lunged for his bedroom door, opening it with a slam to peer into the rest of the apartment.

“Haru! Haru?”

He was greeted only by silence. Rin was alone.

But Haru had been there. Rin knew he couldn’t have been imagining that. Strong arms holding him up. Hands as familiar as his own that had soothed him.  The warmth and weight of Haru in his bed.

Haru had been there and then he’d left.

Rin clattered round the apartment frantically looking for any sign he might be coming back - a note, a jacket, a bag. There was nothing. He needed to go after him.

He couldn’t find his keys and he was only half dressed so Rin crashed back into his room and grabbed for the nearest clothes he could find. Without his keys leaving the apartment would mean locking himself out but he didnt care. He could fix that later. Hell, if he needed to break the door down then Sousuke would have to forgive him.

Because in that moment Rin didn’t care that he had been the one running from Haru. That facing Haru also meant facing up to everything that might lie broken between them. It didn’t matter, because all that mattered to Rin was that he had made a terrible mistake and Haru might be hurting because of it. He had to find him.

He fumbled towards the door, tripping on the pants he was still trying to pull up and landing heavily to his knees. He cried out in frustrated pain, only to have his attention pulled by the sound of a key in the lock. His door swung open and suddenly Haru was there. Right there.  Stood in his hallway peering down at Rin with confused concern.

“Rin? Why are you on the floor?”

“I… I thought you left.” Rin croaked out feeling caught and pathetic.

Haru held up a bag, looking away.

“I went to the shop. I have your keys.”

Haru looped Rin’s keys quickly on the hook set in the wall before offering Rin a hand. Rin let himself be pulled up trying to read Haru’s expression. But Haru kept his eyes averted, only wrinkling his nose ever so slightly.

“You should shower Rin. Then eat. I’ll fix something.”

“Haru…” Rin trailed off helplessly. Now he was in front of him, he realised he had absolutely no idea where to start. What it was that he wanted to say. After everything that had happened the past few days what even could he say?

“Shower Rin.” Haru repeated softly. “I’ll be here.”

* * *

Rin braced his hands against the wall and let the hot water crash over his shoulders. He pressed his forehead against the tiles trying to steady himself. Trying unsuccessfully to gather his racing thoughts.

Haru was here. In his apartment. And so now they would have to talk. About Fumiko, about Haru’s lie, about a future for Haru that may not have a space for Rin. And then it would all be real.

He wasn’t ready. Wanted to run again. But he also felt sick at himself for what he’d done - getting so drunk that he’d needed Haru to take care of him. Putting himself in such a needlessly vulnerable position. He wasn’t sure if the nausea he felt was because of the drinking or his disgust at his own behaviour.

Rin waited until the water started to run cold before he reluctantly stepped from the shower to find Haru had left him a neat pile of fresh clothes. He changed quickly and, hair damp and dripping, walked into the communal space.

He found Haru putting the finishing touches to a tray laid out on the low table - a large filled roll, a gently effervescing glass of water, a cup of takeout coffee, a bottle of Pocari sweat, a pastry, a banana, a bag of crisps, a can of full sugar soda and what looked like a raw egg cracked into glass.

Rin paused, confused by the assortment, but Haru just gestured at him to sit.

“Eat Rin. These will help. The hangover I mean. I looked it up.”

“Haru I…” Rin started, his voice hoarse and trembling. But Haru still wouldn’t look him in the eye and just crossed the room to head back to Rin’s bedroom.

“Eat Rin. It will make you feel better. I’ll get the laundry.”

Rin sat, wondering if he would ever reach the bottom of this feeling. He still felt physically sick, and his heart hurt and his mouth was dry and, while he knew it was probably just in his head, despite brushing his teeth multiple times he swore he could still taste that man on his tongue. How could he have been so stupid...

He tried to force some of the bitter, fizzing water down and a bite of the soft, sweet roll. But everything still threatened to come back up and he was hyper aware of Haru’s movements in the other room, waiting for a second slam of the front door that never came.

Eventually, Haru reentered the room and after hesitating in the doorway crossed to sit beside Rin. 

They waited in uncomfortable silence for several long minutes before Haru spoke softly.  
“Are you feeling any better Rin?”  
  
Rin cleared his throat roughly then nodded. In truth he still felt thick with nausea, but it seemed trivial to complain about that when he was the only one to blame. Rin noticed then that Haru’s right hand was swollen and bruised, several of the knuckles split. A flash of memory hit him and he felt doubled over with shame.

“Haru your hand! You’re hurt.” Rin tried to capture it with his own but Haru pulled away swiftly and tucked it back into the sleeve of his jumper, curling it against him.

“It’s fine. It’s nothing, really Rin.”

“But...it’s my fault. If I hadn’t been drinking...that guy…”

Haru shifted uncomfortably worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. He eventually looked up at Rin through his hair.

“Rin, are you really OK? That man, he didn’t...” Haru’s voice was thin and a little shaky. Rin shook his head quickly.

“Haru no! It was just...what you saw.”

Haru nodded slightly. “It would have been my fault. If he’d hurt you, if you’d…”  Rin realised with horror that the slight tremor in Haru’s voice was because he was fighting back tears. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Haru cry. Not in all their partings and reunions. Never when he was sick or scared or in pain. Rin had to look away.

Haru took a deep steadying breath. “You told him about us...and about Fumiko.”

It was the first time Rin had heard Haru say her name and he was surprised by how bright and sharp the pain was.

“I met her. She was waiting on campus yesterday. We had a drink. She said she wanted to...explain things to me.”

Haru looked up sharply, meeting Rin’s eyes properly for the first time. Rin cringed inwardly at the hope he could read in them.

“So you know? That there’s nothing between us. It’s just an arrangement our parents made.”

Rin snorted but there was no humour in it. “You’re engaged to be married Haru. I wouldn’t call that nothing.”

“But it was never my choice Rin. I want to be with you.”

Rin pulled at his hair.

“How is it not a choice? You chose not to tell your parents about me. You chose to stay engaged to her. To let them believe you were going to marry her. I mean, maybe you were I don’t...”

“Rin it’s not like that.” Haru interrupted urgently. “Families like mine...it’s different...my parents don’t think like your parents...You don’t understand…”

“What? Because your parents are rich and my dad was just a fisherman I’m suddenly stupid?” Rin spat. Haru flinched as if he’d been slapped.  

“ _Rin no!_ That’s not at all what I…”

“I know what an arranged marriage is, Haru. You still chose to keep it a secret. You chose to lie. Were...were you ever even going to tell me?”

Haru nodded firmly, then slowly shook his head.

“I...I don’t know, Rin” He said finally. “I thought I had more time. I thought my father had agreed...I swear… I never meant for you to find out this way.”

“So do they know now?” Rin demanded, eyes bright and urgent. “Did you tell your parents you can’t marry her...about me. Do they know anything about us. Anything at all?”

Haru curled in on himself and shook his head again slowly. “Rin, I’m sorry I…”

Rin averted his gaze. He’d known what the answer would be. But it still hurt to have it confirmed.

Haru reached forward then, tentatively circling Rin’s wrist, his voice barely a whisper.

“Are we really broken up Rin? Please don’t... don’t leave me. I can still fix this. I’ll talk to my parents ...I will. I’ll find a way...”  
  
“Don’t.” Rin said roughly, pulling his hand away and taking a deep breath.

He thought of everything Fumiko had said, of all the things Haru stood to lose if he were forced to pick Rin. All the things that Rin could never offer, could never be equal to. Of Haru’s blank shock when he had suggested that they might one day marry… He took another breath and shut his eyes. He knew suddenly with a sickening clarity what he had to do.

But the doing of it was something else entirely.

“Don’t. Don’t do this for me.” he croaked out. “Maybe it’s for the best that they don’t know.”

“What… Rin?”

“I mean you’d lose everything right? Lose your family.”

Haru tensed then looked down. Rin couldn’t bear to witness the expression Haru was fighting to hide. But the pain, the confusion he saw in it hardened his resolve.

Haru reached for him with fumbling fingers.

“But Rin I can’t … I can’t lose you. We have to be together. No matter what. We have to stay together.”

Rin felt a fresh wave of nausea hit.

“Haru you can’t mean…you’ve considered it? her offer? You’ve actually thought about that?”

Fresh tears spilled from Rin’s eyes at the thought that Haru could ever want that for them. For him. To be a terrible secret. To need to sneak around and hide as if what was between them, how he felt, was shameful somehow.

But Haru’s eyes widened with panicked confusion. 

“Rin what? what offer? I don’t know what you mean. I...I don’t know anything ok. I don’t know what to do. How to fix this. I just know I can’t lose you. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I lied… just please... say that we’re going to be ok. That we can get through this.”  
  
Rin swallowed back a sob and took a deep breath, forcing himself to meet Haru’s gaze, to try and keep his voice steady.

“Haru I can’t….do this. I can’t believe you anymore. And I can’t be the reason you lose your family. I won’t. So I think we need to … just accept…”

Haru froze. “No. Don’t say that Rin. You don’t mean it.”

Rin nodded, eyes blurring with tears that he tried vainly to hold back.  
  
Haru lurched forward to grip him tightly. He pressed his lips to Rin’s, punctuating his words with desperate kisses.

“Rin. No. You love me. _You love me_. And I love you. I love you Rin.” 

Rin could taste tears and couldn’t tell who they belonged to. He almost gave in. Almost sank against Haru’s lips and told him he’d do anything, be anything for him so long as he would stop crying and never stop kissing him.

But he forced himself to pull away.

“Not enough...Haru it’s not enough.” _I can’t possibly be enough,_ Rin thought but didn’t say. “I just can’t… everything is different now. I feel like I don’t know you…”

Haru was openly crying, silent tears falling down his cheeks that he made no attempt to push away.

“Rin don’t… I know you don’t mean that.”

Rin nodded slowly extracting himself from Haru’s grip and standing to move across the room from him. His shoulders shook as he struggled to catch his breath. When he finally had air in his lungs enough to speak, his voice came out flat and hollow. And final.  

“Please, Haru. Please don’t make this harder than it already is. Don’t you think we’ve hurt each other enough.”

Rin heard rustling as Haru scrubbed his face with his sleeve and sat shellshocked and frozen.

_This couldn’t really be happening._

When Rin finally turned Haru’s face was grey and he was studying his hands intently. He looked up at Rin finally, his voice thin and wavering.

“So what...what happens now?”

Rin looked around the room feeling equally helpless. There were signs of their shared lives in everything. In the books and CDs that sat on the shelf alongside Sousuke’s. In the photos he had tacked on the fridge. He knew if he looked in the bedroom he’d find Haru’s clothes in his wardrobe, Haru’s second toothbrush in the bathroom, his spare mackerel pan tidied away in the kitchen cupboard. Rin couldn’t begin to work out how he was supposed to unstitch the life they had woven together.

“I don’t know, I’ve never…” His eyes landed on Haru’s bruised knuckles again “At least let me fix your hand. So it doesn’t get infected.”

Haru didn’t say anything, but equally didn’t protest when Rin gathered his first aid kit and sat beside him taking his hand gently onto his lap. He worked in silence, carefully cleaning the grazes with an alcohol wipe before applying a dressing and gently wrapping a bandage around.

He looked up to see Haru watching him closely. He was shivering slightly and the heartbreak was writ plain in his impossibly beautiful, impossibly blue eyes. Rin almost wanted to run, to get as far away from that look as possible, but looking at Haru this close up made him pause. He was so very pale, his face drawn and deep blue shadows pressed under his eyes.

“Haru when did you last get any rest? Did you sleep at all last night?” Haru hesitated then gave a small shake of the head.  
  
“You need to sleep Haru. You’ll get sick and you won’t be able to train.” Rin said it automatically, not realising how stupid it sounded in the context of what was passing between them.  
  
Haru tensed slightly, but then he covered Rin’s hand with his own bandaged one. “Could I sleep here? With you? Just for a little while?”

Rin battled in his head, it seemed an absurd idea considering, but then he nodded. He could allow himself this, this one final time.

They cramped together into Rin’s bed that Haru had freshly made up, laying side by side and not really touching at all. Haru looked at Rin for a long time, holding his gaze quietly before finally shutting his eyes and drifting to sleep.

Rin watched him, not moving, feeling his heart crack and wanting to sob but finding strangely that the tears just wouldn’t come anymore.

* * *

Some hours later, Haru woke and reached for him. Rin knew that he should pull away, that he could only ever delay the inevitable, but despite himself he felt his body surrender to Haru’s touch, and so when Haru moved to shed the layers between them, Rin helped him, supporting Haru’s hips as he lowered himself onto him. 

It was slow and intense and it broke Rin’s heart. Haru leaning over him as he rocked their bodies together, cradling his face, kissing him deeply, pressing his lips against Rin’s eyelids, his cheeks, his brow and whispering over and over _I love you Rin_ . Rin tried his hardest to memorise the details - the way Haru’s eyelashes fluttered as he moved above him, the feel of his hands digging into his back, the soft, breathy whimpers he gave when he was close. _Just one final time_ . He thought. _One last time I’ll love you with everything I have._

After, as they parted, sweat-slicked and shuddering, they lay on their sides facing each other, Haru trailing his fingers through Rin’s hair.    
  
He studied Rin’s face quietly for a long time before he finally spoke, his voice thin.

“You’re still going to leave me, aren’t you Rin.”

Haru looked at Rin and Rin looked back. And it was all wrong, because they were _Haru and Rin_ , and he was supposed to be proposing, not saying goodbye.

And yet here they were. 

Rin forced himself to battle back the tremor in his voice. “I can’t be with you anymore Haru. You’ve broken my heart.”

Haru stared at him, then gave a single small nod before turning to bury his face in the pillow. Rin watched his shoulders shake. He wanted to reach out.

He didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo i"ve read this so many times I am completely snow-blind to it. I'm not even sure it makes sense anymore. If there are any mistakes do let me know and I'll correct them. And thank you so much to anyone reading who has made it this far through this fic. Its kind of more angsty than I remember when writing (perhaps reflects my state of mind at the time, lol) but I promise this is pretty much the peak (trough?) and that there will be a happy ending.
> 
>  **Next chapter**  
>  Sousuke and Makoto attempt to navigate the aftermath.


	5. FIVE

Makoto watched his friend feeling a deep tug of sympathy. He’d never seen Haru look so miserable. It was a hot humid day but he was bundled up in one of Rin’s bulky hoodies, occasionally burrowing his face into the fabric at the neck. He’d clearly lost some weight over the past days and his lips were chapped and bitten. Ostensibly they had met up to study, but Haru had spent the last hour just staring listlessly at his textbook, mobile phone clenched tight in his fist as if he expected it to go off any moment. Makoto looked away feeling a heaviness in his chest and the same low level anxiety that had been following him around all week, ever since Haru had turned up at his doorstep shaking and shattered.

When he’d found out what had happened, about Haru’s supposed marriage, he’d waited to feel a stab of pain or of betrayal that after all these years, after everything, maybe Haru hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him. But it had never come. He’d only felt a crashing wave of sadness - the same sadness he used to feel whenever Haru would be left alone for parent-teacher conferences, or big swim meets or christmases. Even at their high school graduation, Haru had been the only member of their class with no family in attendance (although of course the Tachibana clan had clapped and shouted for him as loudly as if he’d been one of their own). The only real difference was that this time the sadness was multiplied by the knowledge that it wasn’t only Haru hurting, but Rin too.

Haru’s family life had always been a sore spot. For the most part Haru bore it stoically, but Makoto knew it hurt more than he let on and over the years it had become the very last remaining no-go area in their friendship. So Makoto ultimately trusted that Haru had had his reasons for keeping it to himself. The only real anger Makoto could muster was directed at Haru’s parents, and even that paled away when confronted with the much more pressing task of what to do to keep his friends, keep their friendship group, from disintegrating completely.

“Still no word?” Makoto eventually asked, admitting defeat and closing his textbook.  
  
Haru shook his head tensely. “He’s supposed to be back by now.”

* * *

Rin had packed a bag and booked tickets for home immediately. Watching Haru leave his apartment and not rushing to call him back had been the hardest thing he had ever done. He couldn’t stand to stay alone in his flat when he’d shared so many nights there with Haru, didn’t want to be in Tokyo when he couldn’t train, when all he would have to do was dwell on how quickly and spectacularly his world had fallen apart.

His mom had met him at the station looking worried. He’d told her only the bare minimum - that he and Haru were broken up, that he needed some time to gather himself - and when he had arrived she had pulled him wordlessly into a hug, stroking his hair and holding him so tightly it was as if he was instantly a small boy again.

But it had quickly felt like a mistake returning to Iwatobi. Everything still spoke to him of Haru, and yet nothing felt the same anymore now all his friends had left and moved on. Only Gou still remained and while she was fiercely supportive, doing everything she could to hold him together (including cooking some questionable meals for him), he felt terrible for distracting her while she was supposed to be studying hard for her final year exams.  

He talked almost every day to Sousuke who had rushed back to Tokyo only to miss him by a few hours, and who did a terrible job of hiding his concern. His friend had little advice to offer, mostly expressing disbelief that Haru could have hidden such a thing, but once Rin had assured him that it was truly no mistake he had vowed that they’d do whatever it took to get through it. _“And keep swimming Rin. You have to keep swimming. Promise me? The olympics, your dream. It has to be bigger than Haru ok?”_

Rin promised that he would and for the most part he stuck to it, though he struggled to push himself as hard as he knew he should. He just felt so tired. So worn away by the big empty question of what he was supposed to do with his life, his future, now he couldn’t share it with Haru.

Makoto tried to call him a several times but he let them go to voicemail. Nagisa and Rei got in touch with him too, news clearly having spread, but he felt conscious that really they had been Haru’s friends first so didn’t know what to say, trying his best to shift the conversation round to them and how they were settling into university life. A few of his and Haru’s swim teammates text asking after him, not understanding what had happened but supportive nonetheless (he and Haru had mutually agreed to try and keep their relationship professional at training and competitions, but he was sure there were more than a few rumours about them…). Rin was touched, but hated knowing so many people were worried about him. Didn’t want the sympathy. Just wanted to disappear.

It was strange really. He felt loved. He knew he was. His friends and his family made sure of it. But he also felt so utterly and irrevocably alone. The loss he felt crowding out everything else.

Because losing Haru also felt like losing so much, too much, of himself.

It hadn’t always been that way. There had been a period of time when Haru had felt so inscrutable, so unknowable to Rin. When every interaction had felt like a battle ground. A chance to win more knowledge or lose more of himself. But somehow, somewhere over the years, the months and weeks they’d spent both together and apart, the fight had gone out of him, gone out of them both. And by giving up everything, somehow, miraculously, Rin had gained more than he ever thought possible. Haru had ceased to be untouchable, unreachable, and Rin had dived in full force. Had diligently mapped out and memorised every line of his body. Learned to read each small expression and sound, had shared in his hopes and his fears, revelled in his victories and held him close through his moments of weakness. 

He had _known_ Haru. But he hadn’t known this. Hadn’t known that there was a whole future already written out for him that couldn’t include Rin. Hadn’t understood the price he was unwittingly asking Haru to pay by being together.  
  
Rin tormented himself with the mental gymnastics of it: if their positions were reversed would he be able to give up his mother and Gou for Haru? His father if he were still here? But he never got much further than thinking about how much his mother loved Haru. How excited he had been to ask her to be the one to stand with him at the altar...  
  
...which in turn only led him back to the thought of Haru stood alone in that same scenario. He couldn’t ask that. He wouldn’t.

He visited his father’s grave and cleaned the stone, spending a long time sat quietly not knowing what to say. It had been so many years since his father had died that he wasn’t always sure if he remembered him or if his brain was just piecing together what he’d been told along with photographs he had seen. The pain of the loss had never gone away, but it’s sharp edge had dulled and softened like sea glass. He wondered if the same thing would happen to the pain of losing Haru, and if so how long would that take. How long he would have to endure this feeling.

He had put it off and put it off. Waiting as long as he thought he could bare. Only when he was sure he had the house to himself one afternoon finally calling the jeweler in Tokyo to cancel his order. He lost the deposit he’d paid but couldn’t bring himself to care. The woman who took his call was unfailingly polite and professional, but the slight tone of sympathy that slipped through felt like salt in the wound.

Afterwards, he had run hard and long down to beach. He’d sat in the sand for a long time, not moving just staring out to sea and measuring the pain pressing down on him.

 _I can get through this. I’ve survived worse._ He told himself.

 _Haru’s going to get married._ He repeated over and over. _Haru’s going to get married. And not to you._

* * *

Back in Tokyo, Haru hadn’t had any contact from Rin all week.

At first he’d sat for a long time in Makoto’s apartment, too numb to speak, while Makoto fretted around bringing him cups of tea that went undrunk and asking questions that went unanswered. Despite Makoto’s protests, eventually Haru had forced himself home and had curled up in bed for two straight days. He’d ignored the banging on the door from Makoto and pulled his phone off the hook, but kept his mobile clutched tight to his chest just incase Rin were to message or call. 

He didn’t. And after two days of silence Haru felt the ache grow so strong that even lying still hurt. And the longer he sat with the pain the wronger it all felt. He and Rin couldn’t have broken up. Sure they fought sometimes, silly arguments and occasionally the remainder of old hurts surfacing, but they were Haru and Rin and they always found their way back together. Always.

He woke on the third morning feeling sick and groggy. He wasn’t sure what time he’d finally managed to drop off but he woke with only one thought clear in his mind: he never should have allowed this. He never should have left Rin’s apartment, he shouldn’t have walked away. This was a mistake. Not being together was a dreadful, terrible mistake and he had to try again - to talk to Rin, to make him see that all he wanted, all he’d ever wanted, was him.

He dressed in a rush, barely taking note of what he threw on before dashing from his building and running to the station.

When he got to Rin’s door, he hammered away desperately, not caring how early it was or who else might hear. He could hear his heart in his ears, and he felt weak with the need to see Rin and this time not to let him go.

Sousuke opened the door with a yank. “Knock it off Haru he’s not here.”

“I’ll wait.” Haru made to push in through the door but Sousuke’s towering build blocked him.

“No, I mean he’s really not here. He went home.”

“Home?”

“To visit his mom.”

“Right.” Haru’s mouth set into a determined line and he turned to move away before Sousuke grabbed him by the collar.

“Haru no. Do not even think about going after him. He specifically went away because he needed space from all this. Don’t you owe him that at least after what you’ve done?”

“So...you know.”

“Yeah I know. You broke his fucking heart and got him suspended from training. What the fuck Haru. I’d kick your ass if I didn’t think Makoto would just march over here and kick mine right back.”

“It’s not...I can fix it. I just need to see him.”

“He says you’re broken up. Is that true?”

“I don’t want to be.” Haru answered quietly.

Sousuke’s eyes softened just a fraction, and then making a decision he grabbed his keys and shut the door behind them both.

“Come on then.”

Haru’s eyes lit ever so slightly. “We’re going?”

“To the pool.” Sousuke muttered gruffly. “You look and smell like you haven’t seen water in days which is frankly terrifying. And Rin will never forgive you if you stop swimming. More importantly he won’t forgive me if I let you so you’re going to stay here and train hard and do what you need to do to make this right so that when he comes back maybe, just maybe this mess can get sorted out.”

 

And so Haru had stayed. And he’d swum, letting Sousuke time him and shout sets at him, each time pushing as hard as he could because focusing on the feel of the water - on being smoother, more streamlined, more in tune with the push and pull - was the only thing that could even touch the edges of the pain he felt.

Despite Sousuke’s warnings not too, he’d still tried desperately to get in touch with Rin. He’d messaged over and over. Left him voicemails. He even tried his home phone a couple of times, but Gou put the phone down on him the first time, and the second Rin’s mother had very kindly let him know that Rin was out but that she’d be sure to tell him he’d called. He wanted to believe her. But he wondered if she knew, and if so what she must think of him.

Eventually Haru had been forced to change tacts, and after enough pleading texts and calls Gou and Sousuke started reluctantly relaying flashes of information to him:  
_He went swimming today_

_He spends a lot of time at the beach, a lot of time out running_

_He doesn’t tell me where he goes. But he’s out a lot. He’s always out somewhere._

_He’s hurting Haru. But what did you expect?_

 

 _Not this._ Haru thought. _I never meant for this._

* * *

Makoto watched Haru staring morosely at his phone. He flinched as a chime went off, then glared accusingly at his still blank screen. Makoto fished his own set out a little apologetically.

Another message had popped up from his chat group with Nagisa, Sousuke and Rei. Nagisa wanted updates on how Haru was doing. Makoto looked again at the figure in front of him and sighed. _No change._ He typed back quickly.

The four of them had been texting frantically between them sharing news on how their friends were fairing, trying to work out ways they could help, but neither Haru nor Rin were supposed to know that. Nagisa and Rei had wisely claimed to be ‘switzerland’, but Makoto suspected that Nagisa had been speaking to Haru more than he let on. Sousuke made no such claim and veered between long periods of silence and then streams of texts demanding to know if Haru had fixed things yet.

Makoto knew that Rin had spoken to Sousuke the most, but Sousuke was remaining pretty tight lipped about it. Rin had also been in touch a little with Nagisa and Rei, at one point apparently almost taking them up on an offer to visit them in Kyoto where they were each in their first year of college.

As for himself, Makoto had not been able to speak to Rin very much at all. They’d exchanged a few short texts, but whenever he’d tried to call Rin hadn’t picked up. He understood to a point - Rin must have known that he was likely to spending much of his time with Haru. But Makoto hated it. Hated the feeling that invisible lines were being drawn up, he and Haru on one side, Sousuke, Rin and Gou on the other and Nagisa and Rei stretched between. It was all wrong and Haru still hadn’t been able to find the words to explain to him why, how, this had happened in the first place.  

  
“Can you…” Makoto was pulled from his thoughts by Haru’s aborted attempt at a request. He lifted his eyes to find Haru looking away awkwardly, sentence still hanging. He knew what he was trying not to ask, what he was hating having to ask.

“I’ll find out.” He volunteered softly, saving Haru any further discomfort. He tapped out a quick text to Sousuke.

Haru jittered uncomfortably for the full three minutes it took for Sousuke to reply.

“He says he got in late last night. They’re just hanging out at home today.”

“Oh.” Haru said quietly, face half disappearing back into the neck of his hoodie.  

The silence hung heavy and sad between them before they finally both spoke at once.

“I think I’m gonna...  
“You should…

Their eyes met, and Makoto’s brows lifted in surprise.  
“Are you sure? I can stay here if you’d rather?  
“No. You should go. I’ve got class soon anyway.”  
“Oh..okay Haru. I will. But if you need anything at all text me ok?”  
Haru nodded and started to gather his things. Makoto did the same tapping out another quick text to let Sousuke know he was on the way.

They walked out of the cafe together. Haru hesitated just outside the door.

“Makoto I’m sorry. I’ve..made things difficult for you. For everyone.”

Makoto reached over and wrapped Haru into a hug. Haru’s body stayed tense but he buried his face against Makoto’s shoulder.

“Haru it’s….it will….” He struggled for the words. Was it ok? Would it be? Instead he settled on “I’m here for you. No matter what. Whatever you need.”

Haru nodded into his shoulder. When they pulled away he looked like he wanted to say something else, was trying to find the words, but eventually he gave up just giving Makoto a short nod and turning to walk away.

Makoto sighed heavily before turning and heading to the station.

* * *

 

Sousuke yanked the door open on the first knock and looked past Makoto accusingly before relaxing.

“Oh, good. For a moment I worried that he’d…. Well anyway come in. We’re through here.”

Makoto ducked in to find Rin sat on the sofa, bundled up in a grey hoodie and sweatpants, the hood drawn up half over his face, a few wild tufts of red hair poking out. The TV was on playing some loud police show, but Rin’s eyes looked glassy, like he wasn’t really taking any of it in.

When Makoto stepped in the door Rin flinched slightly then he pushed his hood down, mouth twisting slightly in an attempt at a smile. “Makoto, hey.”

Makoto was relieved to see he looked to be fairing slightly better than Haru, but that wasn’t saying much. He could still see a familiar bruising under Rin’s eyes, his skin a little paler than normal and his hair more unruly.

“Rin, hey! You’re back...how are... I mean how was your trip?” Makoto stuttered awkwardly, mentally kicking himself.

Rin raised his eyebrows in a gesture of _really?_ before sighing and standing up to wrap Makoto into a hug. Makoto squeezed him back so hard Rin had to battle a little to pull away, but when he did he kept a tight grip on Makoto’s by the arms and stared him down, his eyes dull with pain but unflinching.

“Look it was fine. I’m...fine. Really. You don’t have to be all weird about it, OK? And I’m sorry, I know I didn’t return your calls yet I just… needed some headspace you know?”

Makoto nodded.

“I know. I’m sorry. I just, I’m really glad your back. I was worried. And I… missed you Rin. I wanted to be there for you I just...”

“Makoto its ok. Really. I mean, you were needed here right?”

Makoto nodded again awkwardly, but didn’t elaborate, deciding then and there it was probably best not to mention Haru unless Rin brought him up first. An uneasy silence fell between them until Sousuke who had been watching from the door cleared his throat, hands shoved in pockets.

“So, drink anybody?”

“Yes please! er... I’ll help!” Makoto garbled in a rush and Rin rolled his eyes settling back down.

“Yeah sure, tea would be great. Thanks.”

Makoto followed Sousuke into the kitchenette trying his best to talk quietly.

“How is he really? What’s he said?”

“Nothing much so far, he just been sat there moping and spacing out. He said he doesn't want to talk about it. Gou said he was the same with her. I don’t like it.”

“Sousuke what do we do? I’ve never seen him look so sad...”

“I know, but that’s the weird thing he hasn’t…”

“Stop it.” Rin called out grumpily from the sofa.

Makoto and Sousuke froze, falling silent instantly

“I can hear you both worrying about me from here. How many times do I have to say I’m fine?”

“He’s not fine.” Sousuke confided to Makoto in a hissed whisper. “He hasn’t even cried at all.”

Makoto’s eyes widened and Sousuke looked back at him almost guilty. Makoto recognised the emotion there - the helplessness of not knowing what to do to fix things and the pain of seeing two of their best friends so hopelessly heartbroken.

 

Makoto carried in the teapot while Sousuke set out mugs and strainers. Rin watched them a little wearily as they busied themselves pouring handing out the drinks, the silence feeling pressured.

After a few moments of staring into his cup helpless Makoto lifted his eyes to find Rin studying him intently.

“Ok, so um… how has training been going?” he blurted out, the first thing to come to mind that wasn’t specifically about Haru.

Rin’s face smoothed in relief

“Yeah good actually. I hung out with your old coach a fair bit - Sasabe. He let me use the Iwatobi SC whenever I wanted and I even got to see some of the Samezuka training sessions. Those guys are doing really well. It’s going to be a strong team next season.”

“And you're back to team training tomorrow, right?” Makoto said the words without thinking, clapping his hand over his mouth with a gasp as soon as they were out. Sousuke frowned at him pointedly and Rin looked between the two.

“Yeah… yeah back tomorrow. Coach is probably going to kick our asses after being away for a week.” He trailed off looking glum, then looked up at the stricken faces of his friends and held his hands up.

“Guys, it’s fine really.”

Sousuke and Makoto both stared back at him incredulous and Rin sighed then, running a hand through his hair and pulling on his bangs in frustration.

“Ok, so it’s not fine. Nothings OK. It fucking sucks and it feels like someone is punching me in the chest _all the fucking time_ I just….what do you want me to say? Its done. And I just need to … deal with it. And I can’t do that with you just sitting here watching me like I’m gonna break into a million pieces or something. It was bad enough having Gou following me round with a box of tissues for a week - so can we just talk about something else. Something normal. _Please._ ”

“Rin I’m sorry I just ….”

“Makoto, how’ve your classes been?” Rin interrupted pointedly. Makoto blinked for a few moments his brain helpfully forgetting everything that had happened to him over the last week that wasn’t to do with Haru.

“Um good, I actually have to start thinking about applying for final placement positions in the new year. It’s..er. Kind of a big decision...I have to pick if I stay here, try for Iwatobi or a whole new place.”

Rin smiled at him, and while it didn’t quite reach his eyes, it was the most normal he’d looked so far.

“Wow that’s come round so fast! That’s exciting Makoto. Do you have a preference?”

Makoto smiled a little shyly.

“Well, I always pictured myself back in Iwatobi. With my family. Teaching at the local school. But… I don’t know. Maybe it would be better to try somewhere new first. I might like it better you know?”

Rin nodded along warming up to the topic. “Exactly. A new place can help - you can learn in a whole different environment and then take all that knowledge back home. But, I’m sure whatever you decide you’ll make it a success.”

Makoto smiled, grateful, and Rin turned to Sousuke eyebrows raised. “...actually that reminds me - did you tell him your news?”

Sousuke rubbed the back of his neck looking away.

“It’s really not a big deal.”

“Like hell it’s not, this guy just got accepted onto the most competitive placement for his programme.”

“Wow Sousuke. You didn’t say! That’s over summer break right?”

Sousuke gave the smallest hint of a smile. “Yeah, they put you up too so I’ll be able to save some money. I’m… excited. It’s a great firm.”

Makoto clapped him on the back beaming. “Sousuke that’s amazing! Congratulations. So you’re moving out for summer?”  
A look passed between Rin and Sousuke that Makoto couldn't read.  
“W-what, what did I say?”  
“Dude I really am s—-“ Sousuke started but Rin cut him off looking irritable.  
“If you say sorry one more time I’m gonna lose it. I swear Sou. I’m the one that told you I was moving out first. I’ll find somewhere it’ll be—“  
“Fine?” Sousuke supplied grimacing  
“It will!”  
“You can always stay with me for a while if you need a place Rin” Makoto offered.  
  
Rin paused looking surprised, and then shook his head slowly. “Thanks, that’s really nice but ... I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’ll find somewhere new. I’ll start looking tomorrow. It’ll be...  
“Don’t say it” Sousuke grumbled.

The silence fell awkwardly again, Rin staring at his tea while Sosuke watched him looking helpless.

“Rin, are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Makoto blurted. “I know you said you want normal but…”

“How’s Haru?” Rin burst out, his face blushing crimson before he covered his face with his hand dismayed. “No wait, don’t tell me. I mean, I’ll see him tomorrow right?”

Makoto sighed. “Honestly, he looks about as happy as you do Rin. This isn’t what he wants. You know that, right?”

“He’s _engaged_ Makoto. To a woman. And he’s been engaged _for years._ Without telling me. And unless I can magically turn myself into someone his father will approve of he’s going to stay engaged. They’re his only family Makoto. His _Dad._ I can’t compete with that. And I can’t ask…”

Rin trailed off and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes. Makoto leaned forward thinking Rin was crying, but Rin just took a deep breath and pressed against the sofa back, face going carefully blank.

“Look thanks for coming Makoto. Honestly, it’s great to see you but...travelling has kind of wiped me out. I think I’m just gonna take a nap for a bit, ok? But I’ll see you soon though?”

Makoto looked crestfallen, but nodded and stood to leave. He pulled Rin into a final quick hug.

“I’m so sorry Rin. Really. And I’m here for you.”

“I’ll walk you down” Sousuke offered. Rin huffed something under his breath but let them go.

“He’s… different to how I expected.” Makoto observed quietly as soon as they were a little ways down the corridor.

“Yeah. It’s not good. He’s normally such a cry baby but this…” Sousuke gestured vaguely and his voiced wavered slightly. Makoto stopped in surprise. Sousuke wasn't usually the emotional type...

“It’s like it was when his dad died. He didn’t cry at all. Never that I saw anyway, he just… pushed it down. Tried to be strong for his mom and Gou. I’m...I’m really worried about him.”

Makoto hummed feeling helpless. Sousuke suddenly wheeled round to face him.

“Just, what the _fuck_ is Haru thinking?! I’m really struggling to see his point of view here. How could he hide something like this from Rin? From all of us? And why hasn’t he fixed it yet? You can’t seriously tell me he’s getting married now?”

Makoto bit his lip.

“I don’t understand it either. But he has to have his reasons for keeping this a secret. His family isn’t something we’ve ever really spoken about. To be honest he seems kind of ...frozen. Like he’s in shock.”

“Well he doesn’t have time to be in shock! He needs to fix this.”  
  
“Sousuke it’s his family. What do you suggest he do?”  
  
“So he’s just ...getting married now? To some girl we’ve never met and it’s just too bad for Rin?”

“I don’t know. But I just can’t push him right now. He’s… already shutting down so much. But they have to sort this out right? I mean Rin was planning…”

“So you know too huh?”

Makoto nodded sadly. “He asked me to help him pick. I haven’t told Haru. But I’m not sure that’s the right choice. Doesn't he need to know now?”

Sousuke shook his head.

“No I think you’re right not to. I don’t think Rin would like it. We have to try and let them sort this out themselves.”

“How are you holding up anyway?”

Sousuke rolled his shoulders “I’m fi--I’m alright. I just wish I’d been here. When Rin finally called me back he was already halfway home and I just….” Sousuke tailed off looking pained

“You’re here now though. And although Haru won’t say it I know he appreciates you coaching him. For looking out for him as well.”

“God I’m just so mad at him too though.” Sousuke kicked his toe against the pavement. “I don’t understand how you’re not angry Makoto. He lied to you, to Rin, to all of us.”

Makoto looked at Sousuke, his head cocked to the side considering.

“Sou I know it might not make sense to everyone, but Haru’s like my brother. Closer in some ways. I just can’t…. I can’t be angry at him about this. I’m not saying I agree with how he went about it. But, I know the very last thing he would have wanted was to hurt Rin, to hurt anyone. This arranged marriage stuff...it scares me that his parents might force him to do something that’s making him so miserable. I’m...really worried about him too.”

* * *

Haru couldn’t move. He’d been stood on the street outside Rin and Sousuke’s building for almost an hour already and yet he was no closer to to going in or to turning around and going home. 

It was a muggy evening, the air thick and viscous and his shirt was sticking to his skin. He was torn, stuck hopelessly between the overwhelming need to see Rin, and the helplessness of knowing that fundamentally nothing had changed since they were last together. He’d still come no closer to finding a solution to all this. A way he could keep Rin, keep swimming and not lose the last connections he had to a family - as thin and brittle as they were.  
  
He’d tried calling his parents, something he’d previously given up on in 3rd grade, gathering his nerve each time, but the house phone just rang and rang and he couldn’t make it past his father's polite but harangued sounding second assistant. In fact, the only contact he’d had from them at all was a short letter delivered to his apartment in his mother’s hand explaining everything that had been wrong with his conduct at dinner and enclosing a list of appointments his presence was required at - fittings for tuxedos, Hakama and rings, meetings with shrines and for photographers and caterers.

He’d shredded the whole thing immediately, feeling nauseous.

He’d tried to write to them too though. Drafts of emails and letters abandoned and restarted over and over.

Because he couldn’t find the right words to explain to them that he had fallen in love, but that he’d done it ‘wrong’. He’d fallen in love with a boy, a boy who couldn’t offer them connections or a fancy family name, but who made him happy - a ridiculous, limitless kind of happy he hadn’t known was possible - and so please could they release him from his familial duty but allow him to continue to be their son? It was useless. Because he knew deep down his parents could never understand a happiness made of smiles, shared dreams and soft touches, because to them happiness had always come second to status, to social standing and watching the number in the bank account rise.

He’d thought about trying to buy more time or trying to find an honourable excuse to dissolve the engagement, but Fumiko had gone quiet as soon as he’d messaged her demanding to know what she’d said to Rin, and even if she had been willing to help him nothing he could think of could counter the irrefutable fact that his parents wanted him married.

He wished his grandmother was still alive. She had been his only real source of comfort as a child, and had never hidden her disdain for her daughters obsession with climbing the social ladder. There was also no love lost between her and his father and he knew it was in large part due to her insistence that he had been allowed to grow up in Iwatobi and not be shipped off to some fancy prep school (although as he’d grown older he suspected there was likely a degree of shame in it too, their too strange child hidden away where he could cause minimal embarrassment).

All he really wanted was Rin. To feel him in his arms, to have Rin hold him back, to hold him up, and tell him that no matter what that they were forever. That nothing his parents could say or do to him would lessen what they had built between them.

Rin who was only across the street and a few flight of stairs away. Haru could run and be there in mere minutes.

But then, _Haven’t we hurt each other enough._

Haru stayed stuck where he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next chapter**  
>  Rin and Haru return to joint training.
> 
>    
>  _[Also, obligatory screaming about the start of S3!!! I foolishly thought I was ready. I was not]_


	6. SIX

The shrill ring of bells cut through the quiet causing Haru to sit up with a start. He quickly crossed the room to silence his alarm clock, allowing himself a small sigh of relief. It was finally time to see Rin.

He’d spent most of the night tossing and turning fruitlessly in bed. Eventually he’d given up on sleep and curled up in his armchair instead, trying to distract himself from the slow march of minutes by practicing sketching hands for his life drawing class.

The problem was that very quickly they had started to come out looking just a little too much like Rin’s hands. Not an exact enough likeness through, which only served to set Haru off redrawing them over and over, surrounding himself with abandoned attempts, frustrated that he couldn’t commit to paper the exact shape and weight of them. He tormented himself with memories of those hands on his skin, the ghost of Rin’s touch chasing away any hope of sleep.

He still hadn’t worked out what he was going to say when he saw him, which combination of words could correctly convey his heart, but Haru felt a small but persistent tug of hope that after a week apart if they could just see each other - swim together and then talk - they’d be able to find the way through this and back together.

 

When he arrived at the training facility Rin was already there, still in his warm ups and talking quietly with a few of the older guys on their team. Haru hesitated, not sure if he should go over or not. He knew that Rin had noticed him come in, but he was studiously avoiding looking in his direction.

He was spared the decision by Coach Mikitani’s whistle though.

“Right men. As I’m sure you’ll no doubt have noticed we have our two wayward youths back with us today. Matsuoka has requested a few moments to speak with you before we start. Over to you Matsuoka.”

Rin nodded and stepped in front of the group of swimmers. Anyone who didn’t know better might think he looked calm, confident. Haru knew better. He could tell he was nervous. It was in the line of his shoulders. The way his warms ups were freshly pressed and fully zipped up when Rin normally like to have to his hard earned abs on display as much of the time as possible. In the way he’d clearly bothered to style his hair, slicked back from his face and tied neatly even though it was just going to get wet. It was in the way he had precisely and perfectly folded the sleeves of his jacket back to the elbow.

Haru couldn’t help but think of the first time Rin had stood before him in their shared team colours. Back when he had just come back to Japan. Had come back to _him._

\--------------------

 _“Rin what’s taking so long? Just come out and show me already”_  
  
_“Just a sec... you know, I’m not really sure this is my colour Haru.”_  
  
_“Everything is your colour Rin. Stop stalling.” Haru frowns, thinking “Well...actually maybe not orange. And some reds don’t show your hair properly. And then ...”_  
  
_“Alright, alright I get it.” the door snaps open and Rin reappears in the room, only now he’s clad head to toe in his crisp new Tokyo University team warm ups. He’s rolled the sleeves back to his elbow, better to show off his muscular forearms and the jacket is zipped just low enough to be suggestive._  
  
_“So... whaddya think?”_

_Rin rolls his shoulders back and flings a hand onto his hip, the picture of model confidence. But the way his eyes search Haru’s betray his nerves. It’s the first time they’ve worn the same team uniform since elementary school._

_Haru’s breath catches in his throat. He tries to cover it up by reaching out slowly to brush a strand of Rin’s hair away from his face. It’s a little slick and damp to the touch._  
  
_“Rin, did you wet your hair?”_  
  
_Rin bats him off annoyed. It’s not the response he was going for._  
_“Tsk. I wanted you to get the full effect.”_  
  
_Haru looks him up and down again, then slowly trails his hand down Rin’s chest. Rin tracks the movement until Haru stops and flicks at the waistband of his pants._  
  
_“Off.”_  
  
_“What? That bad?” Rin’s eyebrows raise and he looks genuinely disappointed for a moment._  
  
_But Haru doesn’t dignify that with a response and instead dives forward to press hot kisses against Rin’s neck, hands already working on his jacket zipper._  
  
_“I said off.” He practically growls into Rin’s skin._  
  
_Rin gasps out a little laugh of relief and squirms under Haru’s attention._  
  
_“Ooh. The good kind of off. Right....wait...Haru! Wait a sec let me...”_  
  
_Rin pulls away and turns to strip off his pants, folding them reverently. He starts to pull off the jacket too, but Haru slips his arms around him from behind, impatient._

_“Wait. Leave that on.”_

_Rin turns in his arms to face him, cheeks flushed, eyes wide and desiring._

_“Haru it’s brand new! I can’t turn up to my first training session with your...with you all over it.”_  
  
_Haru nips at Rin’s collar bone, pressing kisses against the teeth marks. He slips a hand slowly down Rin’s body._

 _“I’ll make it worth it.”_  
  
_Rin chokes out a groan before he surges forward, pulling Haru so tight against him as the two of them topple to Haru’s bed._ _  
_

_“I swear Nanase, you are going to be the ruin of me.”_

_\--------------------_  
  
“Nanase. Earth to Nanase. Anything to add.”

Haru snapped back to the present.  
  
Coach Mikitani was looking at him expectantly, and he wasn’t the only one. The eyes of his teammates were all fixed his way. All apart from Rin that is, who was flushed crimson and staring at his feet.  
  
_Oh no_ . Haru had clearly missed something important.  
  
“Sumimasen. Coach?”

Coach gave a short sigh battling back the exasperation in his tone.  
“Matsuoka was just delivering an apology on behalf of the both of you for your rather unconventional use of my pool last week. I asked if you had anything you would like to add?”

Haru bit his lip. Stupid noble Rin. Of course he would take it upon himself to be the one to apologise. He felt an irrational flicker of annoyance. Rin knew as well as he did who was to blame. Why was Rin trying to shoulder it?

Haru took a low bow, then kept his gaze fixed on Rin. “I’m truly sorry for my actions. And I’m committed to making things right.”

Coach nodded seemingly satisfied. “Thank you, Nanase.” He clapped his hands together addressing the team. “Right, now that's done with what are you all still doing standing here? Get in the pool. Standard warm ups then Coach Yamamoto will direct your drill and main sets. Nanase, Matsuoka hang back. You’re with me today.”

Haru moved to stand by Rin’s side as they watched their teammates organise themselves into the lanes. Rin still avoided looking at him, instead scowling at the ground.

“You can’t look at me like that.” He ground the words out so quietly Haru almost didn’t catch it.  
“Like what? Rin...”  
“You know like what.” Rin snapped back. “We’re just here to swim, got it?”

“Rin I--”

But Coach cut him off this time, rubbing his hands together.  

“Right. We’re going to be benchmarking. Starting with the 50, 100 and 200 free. Let’s see how all that training that I trust you’ve been doing has paid off.”

Haru felt a twist of nerves. Sure Sousuke had been coaching him well enough. But what if his times didn’t hold up? And what of Rin’s? He snuck a glance over at Rin but his eyes were now fixed on the pool looking determined.

That calmed Haru a little. Rin had this. They both did.

After a couple of hundred meters of warm up Coach signalled for them to make their way to the starting blocks. Rin in lane 1, Haru in lane 2. Despite himself, just by having Rin there crouched beside him Haru felt some of the pain and anxiety of the past days fade. This was familiar. This was normal. This was _them._  

The whistle blew and they dived in in perfect sync. 50 meters. An all out sprint. Haru felt his lungs burn as he tried to hold out as long as possible before taking a breath. He felt Rin at his side. Felt the familiar turbulence of the water. Muscles straining he gave it his all.

Rin’s hand touched the wall a fraction of a second ahead of Haru’s. Haru expected it. Rin typically had the slightest edge when it came to raw power. He turned to congratulate him on the victory, but found Rin was frowning at the pool clock.

“Again.” Coach Mikitani said simply.

They raced again two more times. Haru felt sure they got quicker, Rin edging him ever so slightly each time. Whatever the result, Coach deemed it enough and instructed them to swim a slow 200m before they moved on to the 100.

Haru felt his heart rate quicken. The 100 was their race. _Their event._ He took in the coiled up tension of Rin’s frame, muscles flexed and ready. He breathed in the smell of the pool, water and chlorine, closing his eyes for a moment just to soak it up. Swimming with Rin was never less than overwhelming in all the best ways.

The shrill blast of the whistle sounded and they flew forward, arcing into the water, cutting into its surface in exact unison.

Haru sliced forward, feeling his hands carve space, willing his body to move in harmony with the flow of the water. He was a little ahead when they hit the turn, he rolled forward and kicked off the wall with all his strength. For a fraction of a second he and Rin were face to face, bodies like arrows as they twisted out of the flip turn.

And then he was reaching again, trying to lengthen each stroke, willing his body further and faster. He felt Rin on his shoulder. Felt him drawing level. He gasped a final breath of air before pushing an all out sprint to the end.

Rin’s hand slapped the side. A hair's breadth later Haru’s hit too.   

Haru popped up panting. Coach Mikitani was looking at his stopwatch and comparing against something written on his clipboard. Rin was watching him intently. Haru opened his mouth to speak, but Rin got there first.

“Stop holding out.” He muttered under his breath.

Haru pulled his goggles down frowning. “Rin! Nev--”.

Rin hauled himself from the pool.

“Good, because I don’t want your pity.”

Coach blew the whistle and shouted “Again.”

As before they raced two more times. Haru beat Rin the second time. The third it was too close for him to call.

They repeated the whole exercise for the 200 free, and this time Haru beat Rin straight. He jumped out the pool, chest heaving to re-oxygenate his screaming muscles and waited for Coach’s verdict.

“Nanase, grab a drink then stay warm in lane 3. I’m not done with you. Matsuoka, get warming up fly. We’re gonna hit the 100 and 200 next.”

* * *

Haru swum lazy lengths, not really paying attention to what he was doing, far too preoccupied with trying to gauge how Rin’s fly time trials were going in the next lane over.

He’d always loved watching Rin’s butterfly - appreciated the raw power of his stroke as he propelled himself through the water, muscles rippling as he almost seemed to lift himself over it - but since joining his university team he’d developed an even greater admiration for what Rin was able to do. He might specialise in freestyle, but his coaches often liked to mix elements of the other strokes into the team’s warm up sets. Haru could swim fly if pushed. When he had too. But it felt like it took far too much effort for far too little reward. Too much like he was trying to fight his way through the water. When Rin had first swum fly in front of their team Haru had practically exploded with pride. Because Rin in the water was magnificent.

Rin never looked like he was in a battle. He looked like he was flying.

He watched Rin’s 200s, and 100s trying to keep an eye on the pool clock without being too obvious about it. He knews Rin’s PBs by heart - Rin talked about them enough - and felt sure that Rin couldn’t be too far off. That should be fine, he reassured himself. They were not in a competition. And everyone knew the thrill of race day always helped to find an extra gear.

Coach pulled Rin out the pool and they chatted together, heads bowed, Rin looking serious. The he was back and working 25 and 50 meter sprints. Coach urging him on from the side lines to find that little bit extra, to push that bit more. Haru willed him on from the adjacent lane, feeling his own heart race as Rin sped past.

Finally, after several rounds of that, it seemed they were done.

Haru watched as Coach handed Rin a bucket and Rin retched into it, back muscles spasming as he clung onto the side of the pool.  
  
Haru felt a twist in his guts. It wasn’t exactly that it was unheard of during particularly hard sets for the lactic acid build up to induce sickness. But he couldn’t help but feel the reason Rin was having to push himself so hard to make time was because of him, and because he was afraid of facing further consequences for Haru’s actions.

Coach’s lips were slightly upturned though. The closest thing he ever got to a smile. Rin must have done well Haru thought with an inward rush of relief.  
  
“Nanase. You’re up. How do you feel about trying the 800 free.”  
  
“800?”

Haru had never competed in that distance. It hadn’t been discussed It required excellent pacing skills - a delicate balance between speed and stamina.  
  
“That’s what I said. But don’t worry this is just to try on for size. You’re looking good for the 100 and 200, but I think you may just have a shot at the 400 or even the 800 too. Besides, as far as I am concerned the more events we can cover off between you and Matsuoka at the intercollegiate cup the better.”

“Wait -- won’t Rin and I swim together?”

“In some events. Maybe. But it’s no secret to have a real shot at Olympic trials in the spring you need to do well at the cup first. Doesn’t matter that you’re funded now, what matters is bringing home some metal. So we need to start being smart, thinking tactically about each of your best chances.”

“Oh…but…”

“It’s nothing to be worrying about Nanase. And of course you’ll each get a say. For now I just need you to swim your best 800. Got it?”

Haru nodded feeling something uneasy churning inside him.

He dived in on Mikitani’s signal and started to count the laps, trying to focus only on his stroke and not on Rin, stood on the pool deck watching.

_I want to swim with Rin._

* * *

By the time he was done being timed in the 800 and 400, his muscles were trembling, the lack of proper food and sleep over the past days catching up with him. He was disappointed to find Rin gone from the pool deck. Haru rushed to the changing rooms and found him already showered and dressed, shoving his kit bag closed. A few of their teammates were milling around but Haru didn’t care, he marched right up to Rin and reached for him.

“Rin. Can we go somewhere and talk? Please?”

But Rin jumped at the contact as if Haru had burned him, his shoulder slamming back into his locker noisily, causing a few of the guys to look their way.

Rin ducked his head embarrassed, hissing at Haru under his breath.

“Don’t Haru... just don’t touch me! Not here. We can’t afford another suspension. Just... stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours.”

Haru fumbled trying to grip onto Rin’s sleeve again, determined.  
“Rin that’s not what I want. It’s not what you want. Not really.”

“Nanase, Matsuoka? Everything all right over there?”

They turned to see their team captain Tsubasa Watanabe looking over at them, arms crossed in front of him in warning.

Sato and Ando two of the team sprinters, were also watching with interest, eyes bright and almost looking like they were hoping to see another fight.

Rin faltered, several emotions flicking across his face in rapid success before he turned back to Haru and leaned in close, so close that for one wildly and irrationally hopeful moment Haru thought he might kiss him.

Instead he only whispered, breath warm against Haru’s skin, words low and broken and audible only to Haru. 

“Haruka, I can’t do this with you. Not here. So I am _begging_ you. If you lo-... If it was real. If any of it was real. You have to leave me alone now. Please.”

Haru’s lips parted in surprise, eyes blowing wide. _Real?… IF it was real?_ He stared at Rin, whose eyes were large and pleading and dark with pain. He felt utterly pinned by them.

He watched helpless as Rin turned and walked away.

* * *

In the afternoon session, Rin didn’t swim with Haru at all. Instead he joined the sprinters lane with Sato and Ando who welcomed him with a round of loud whooping. Haru ducked under the water not wanting to watch. **  
**

The rest of the week carried on much the same. Rin worked fly or sharp speed sets while Haru worked his 200 and 400s and tentatively started building up to the 800.

He felt utterly unmoored.

Haru liked his teammates a lot, but the university level was very different to high school. To go from a team with four of his closest friends to a team of almost 25 - with multiple members competing in the same event, and all battling for rare slots on the national team - was quite the adjustment. Haru had very quickly won as many would be friends as rivals with his swimming, and when - barely one term in - he became among the very few selected for JSF funding not everyone had been so keen to congratulate him.

Like with most things, Haru had done it in his own way and at his own pace, but by the time Rin had transferred in his second year he truly had felt settled - had built firm friendships and enjoyed the mutual respect and admiration of his teammates.

Rin had of course taken to the team like water to ... well more water. His time at Samezuka and training in Australia meant he was already comfortable with this strange balance of team unity and internal rivalry. He revelled in it actually.

_“It’s just the way it goes from here on out Haru. We’re still one team, and we have to work our hardest for them, but ultimately you gotta beat the guy in the same colours as you the same as everyone else if you want to make it on the global stage. Everyone knows the score. That’s why having your biggest competition so close is such an advantage. It’s like me and you. We make each other better.”_

_“No. Not like us. We’re different.”_  
  
Rin was already clearly being groomed to take over the captaincy even though there were people who had been on the team far longer. It made sense to Haru though. Rin was a natural born leader. His inspiring energy infectious. Half the time Haru didn’t think he knew he was doing it, but Rin still regularly slipped into his Samezuka captain mode. He was always ready and willing to help anyone struggling to work through a slight stroke adjustment or wanting his advice on training or recovery. Haru might love swimming, might love the water, more than most, but what Rin loved was being _a swimmer_. Working hard towards his goals and working equally hard to reach the goals of his teammates.

Haru hoped he hadn’t jeopardized that.

Because with Rin and Haru both acting out of sorts the knock on effect to the team was noticeable. He wasn’t sure they were even conscious they were doing it, but Haru watched as his teammates closed ranks around himself and Rin. Forming an ever shifting barrier, a buffer between them. Be it in the changing room, at weights or just heading to and from the centre Rin was never alone, always two or three other people flanking him, surrounding him. Haru also found himself pulled into conversations or crowded against more.

This obvious care toward himself and Rin - even in the absence of any concrete understanding as to why Rin, whose arm was usually a permanent fixture on Haru’s shoulders, suddenly flinched every time Haru entered the room - was bittersweet. It felt important to know that Rin was being looked out for, that he wasn’t alone. But the idea that Rin could ever need protecting from him…hurt.

It didn’t help that very quickly Haru noticed that two people in particular seemed to have rather enthusiastically taken up guard of Rin.

Sato and Ando. Suddenly anywhere Rin went, they went too. Laughing and joking loudly at him in the locker rooms. Spotting his reps in the gym. Haru just couldn’t understand it. They’d never much associated with the pair of sprinters before. They were both third years. Sato Katsuhiko loud and brash with a mop of brown hair he had taken to fixing back in a small ponytail since Rin had joined the team, and Ando Manabu, sharp faced and sarcastic, Sato’s faithful double act.

Haru had broken both of their records in the 50 free in his first month on the team and they had never forgiven him. Watching with barely concealed dislike as he continued to break them over and over, pushing the times further and further from their reach. Haru didn’t much care - they were all big muscles and bigger egos and he privately thought if they spent more time swimming and less time watching him they might have more ‘luck’.

But he’d have been lying to himself if he’d said it didn’t now hurt, watching Rin spending so much of his time with people who always treated Haru like the enemy, and who - by extension - had never really much welcomed Rin.

“Just ignore them Haruka” Kenta counselled watching one afternoon as Haru glared at Sato and Ando showing off for Rin. Uchida Kenta by contrast was a good friend - a quiet and studious backstroke swimmer who - unbeknownst to him - both Rin and Haru had secretly been weighing up for a potential relay team.

“You know they’re just trying to get under your skin. Trying to turn whatever is going on with you and Rin to their advantage. Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing its working.”

“I don’t care about them.” Haru ground out, watching as Sato threw his arm over Rin’s shoulders and flashed a grin in Haru’s direction.

“Yeah, Rin needs to be careful too. I thought he was better than that.”

“He is.” Haru slammed his locker shut and walked away feeling wretched.

* * *

With training turning up only dead ends, Haru had tried stopping by Rin’s apartment a few times, but he either got no answer or Sousuke appeared to tell him Rin wasn’t home (he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes if he might have been lying). His texts and calls still went unanswered.

“He’s acting like I’m a complete stranger.” Haru complained, lying on the floor of Makoto’s apartment one day after practice. Yet another day of being kept away from Rin.

Makoto was as sympathetic as he could be, but Haru could see he was was still trying to walk a delicate line between not pushing Haru too hard about the situation with his family while also staying loyal to Rin. Haru shifted his hair from his eyes with a puff of breath. He knew it wasn’t fair putting their friends in the middle.

The only person he really wanted to talk to about this was Rin. Rin who was supposed to be his partner in everything but was currently doing his level best to pretend that there was nothing connecting them aside from a shared swim team. Rin who would no longer look at him.

Haru felt it wear against him. Sometimes he found he just wanted to scream accross at Rin, witnesses be damned, that yes, _he made a mistake._ A colossal, terrible mistake. But did that really mean he deserved to endure this? Deserved to lose Rin so completely?

* * *

Rin might have welcomed shouting. Welcomed a chance to scream. Because seeing Haru each day, seeing him but no longer being able to think of him as _his_ was a strange slow torture. A death of a thousand tiny cuts.

He battled with himself constantly to master his emotions, but he felt like he was only holding on by his fingernails - all the pain and loss and grief curdling under his skin until the only thing that he could allow to come through clearly was anger. Anger at Haru for making him feel this way. At Fumiko for so easily dismissing the depth of what he’d had with Haru. At Makoto for not having known, for blithely helping Rin pick out rings he would never get chance to use. At Sousuke for watching him like he might be toppled by the next stiff breeze.

But mostly the anger turned inwards. Rin felt _so angry_ at himself - for being weak, foolish. For the way his traitorous heart still sped up anytime Haru walked into the room.

He tried to bury himself in training and in the uncomplicated, jock-y humour of the sprinters. If he was honest, Rin didn’t much like Sato and Ando. They were his teammates sure, but they were rather obnoxious. Far too self absorbed and had always been too openly jealous of Haru’s talent to endear themselves to Rin.

But Rin also knew that Haru disliked them more, and so by staying close he hoped to be able to buy himself some room to breathe. He needed Haru to stay away if he was to have any hope of holding it together for the many hours of shared training time they had to face each week.  

For the most part it had been working ok. After their exchange in the locker room Haru had left him alone and Rin had tried to be thankful.  Tried not to notice how despondent he looked, tried to tell himself it wasn’t his place to care.

But just over a week back into their training something seemed to snap, and Haru stopped keeping his distance.

It was dryland training and they’d been set a running workout on the track. Rin was a strong runner. One of the fastest. But he’d always hung back middle of the pack so that he could run shoulder to shoulder with Haru who, despite his copious natural talent in water, was prone to kicking his own ankles when asked to run for any significant period of time.

That afternoon though, as the coach blew the whistle, Rin set off at a hard clip, Sato and Ando on his shoulders spurring him on. They were both excellent runners and lived for track days, taking a considerable amount of glee in demonstrating the dominance they could no longer claim in the pool. They jovially cheered Rin on as he stuck to them over the first set.

Rin watched Haru narrowing his eyes at them as set after set they pushed the pace. He told himself he didn’t care.

As the final set upped in intensity, Rin found he had to really concentrate. He welcomed the blankness though. The way the ache of his muscles drowned out all the other pain he was carrying.

But the respite didn’t last too long.

“Boys, incoming” Sato grinned wickedly. “Looks like the little mermaid has finally worked out how his legs work on land.”  
Ando laughed nastily and Rin risked a glance back to see that Haru had pushed into a sprint and was gradually gaining on them.  
“Idiot” he muttered under his breath. Haru was pushing too hard too soon and would pay for it later.  
“Shall we?” challenged Ando.  
Rin felt a flash of some bitter, spiteful emotion. He grunted in agreement and the three of them kicked up the pace another notch, steadily pulling further away from Haru.  
Haru stuck it out longer than Rin expected, but eventually when he glanced back Haru had pulled off to the side bent double and coughing.  
The victory went down bitter.

They jogged to a stop and Sato and Ando high fived rawciously, including Rin in their loud backslapping.

Haru pushed his way over through the gaggle of swimmers, damp hair stuck to his forehead, his cool eyes looking sharp.

“Yo Nanase. State your business.” Sato called out folding his arms. “Not here to start another fight I hope.”

Haru summarily ignored him.  
“Really Rin? Those guys?”

“Matsuoka?” Ando was ready to step in. But Rin waved them off and they retreated warily.

Rin spat a mouth of water at the ground and delivered a practised scowl.  
“Turns out all kinds of people can surprise you Nanase.”

Haru’s eyes flashed flinty. Rin couldn't help but wonder if they had always been that brilliantly blue.

“Nanase? Oh good. I’d missed this side of you Rin. Just how long are you planning to ignore me this time around?”

He regretted his words instantly though, seeing Rin’s eyes cloud and his shoulders hunch.  
“Well, it’s not your problem anymore is it? Just let me be.”  
Rin turned to leave but Haru’s hand shot out grabbing him by the sleeve.  
“Rin, wait! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Please just, I just want to talk. I miss you. This is all wrong.”  
Rin whirled around to push him off. Eyes darting around to make sure nobody had seen.

“ _Jesus Haru!_ I know you suck at social clues but just _for once_ could you take the damn hint? I don't want to talk to you! I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to swim with you. I don’t..” Rin’s voice shook a little. “I can’t even stand to look at you. So just… back the fuck off ok?”

Rin stormed away, leaving Haru dumbstruck in his wake.

That wasn’t Rin. Rin wasn’t cruel. Rin was never cruel to him.

* * *

Haru spent the rest of the day lying in the bath despondent. He hated how easy it was to get mad at Rin. To feel old hurts, old angers resurface. He loved him more than anything, but he was still also the person who could cut into his core harder and sharper than anyone else.

He scowled at the water. He felt stupid admitting it, but somehow over the time they’d been together bathing alone for any great period of time had started to lose its appeal. He much prefered when Rin would slip into the bathroom, settling himself in between Haru’s legs and resting his back against Haru’s chest. Haru liked holding him this way, helping to ease his sore muscles with gentle caresses, or washing Rin’s hair, or just trading slow lazy kisses.

He sighed and tried to push the thought away and the inconvenient pulse of heat it triggered.

His phone started to trill and he leaned over to fish it from the pocket of his track pants. He was about to mute it when he saw Sousuke’s name flashing up and answered frowning. He and Sousuke weren’t exactly the type to contact each other for ‘chats’.

_"Hey Haru. Where are you right now? Are you in? I’m on my way over - wanted to see if you were free to hang."_

Haru rolled his eyes even though Sousuke couldn’t see him and answered flat and irritated.  
“Rin is with Makoto isn’t he? You both are bad at this.”  
Sousuke stumbled a little then sighed.  
_"Ok. That might be true. But I can still want to hang."_  
“You don’t have to pretend to like spending time with me. I know you only do it for Rin. I promise I won’t go round to Makoto’s. So you’re off babysitting duty.”  
_"Fuck you Nanase. I don’t deserve that. I’m coming. And I’m bringing you something to eat that isn’t mackerel"_

Sousuke arrived as promised not 10 minutes later, a bag of food in hand.

“Here. You can do something with this right? Makoto says you’re not eating enough.”

“Your friend was being an ass today.’ Haru grumbled by way of reply.

Sousuke raised his brows.

“Oh _my friend_ is he now? I’m not sure you get the moral high ground here Haru.”

Haru didn’t answer and instead just took the bag heading to the kitchen area. Sousuke followed taking in the general chaos of Haru’s small apartment.

“Haru…have you been burgled or something?”

Haru’s head snapped up from where he was rummaging through the ingredients.

“What?”

Sousuke gestured around the room. He had only been to Haru’s flat in Tokyo a few times, and to his place in Iwatobi only a couple of times before that, but Haru was known to be very neat and tidy. Even in all the time that Haru had spent at Sousuke and Rin’s flat, he tended to leave things cleaner than when he found them.

Looking around now though there was … _stuff_ everywhere. Art supplies, vague piles of laundry, towels thrown haphazardly around, cushions displaced, mounds of screwed up paper drawings, empty cans of drink and bento cartons. It looked like a small storm had passed through.

Haru blinked as if seeing it all for the first time and then returned to what he was doing.

“I’ve had other things to think about.” He muttered. 

“Yeah...I can see. Well..since I’m here...” Sousuke rolled up his sleeves.

They worked around each other mostly in silence, Sousuke collecting bags of rubbish, tidying away Haru’s university work and gingerly shoving all the clothing he found strewn around into Haru’s laundry basket while Haru prepared them a simple meal of rice, sea vegetables and steamed dumplings.

“You didn’t need to tidy.” Haru said once they were both sat at the low table, pushing a bowl towards Sousuke.

“Trust me I did. I’m not eating in a rubbish tip Haru.’

Haru rested his cheek against his hand, not touching his own food while he watched Sousuke eat.

“Am I allowed to ask how he is?” He spoke eventually, voice quiet.

Sousuke placed down his chopsticks and sighed.

“You’ve seen him Haru. He’s...doing his best. I mean it’s just... not normal is it? To have to see someone you’ve broken up with.” Sousuke raised his hands seeing Haru’s eyes flash. “Ok, Ok someone you’re...having ‘relationship issues’ with every day. To have to train with them.”

“He won’t quit the team? Because of me?”

Haru hadn’t really realised he was worried about that until the words were out and his stomach clenched painfully waiting for a reply.

Sousuke paused considering, brow furrowed.

“No. I don’t think he will. He’s strong. Stronger than before. He’ll be ok.”

Haru prodded his rice frowning.

“He’s just…so angry. At me. I can’t even get close.”

Sousuke sighed looking troubled.

“I don’t think he’s angry Haru. Not really. He’s just… hurting. And yeah, maybe he’s lashing out but honestly what did you expect? You humiliated him. He was so… he was so fucking excited, you know? He thought he could win your parents over.”

Haru felt a surge of nausea as he thought about that night. Of Rin turning up to his apartment looking like something out of the romantic films he liked so much. The light that had been in his eyes. The way he had held Haru like he was something precious. Somebody worth loving.

“I thought he could too.” He admitted feeling ashamed. “I thought maybe if they met him. They might see...might understand.”

“And?”

“I think they know. But they don’t... care. It’s not enough.”

Sousuke hugged his knees into his chest. It was a strange image, seeing his bulk curled up looking a little lost and helpless. Haru added it to the list of things to feel awful about.

“Fuck, Haru. I’m sorry ok? I’m sorry your parents are like that. That they’re putting this on you. I-I don’t think I ever said that.”

“Sou...do you think Rin will ever forgive me?”

Sousuke straighten up and fixed Haru with a level gaze.

“Honestly Haru, you ask me I don’t think forgiveness is the issue here. I don’t even think Rin blames you. Not really. I think in his own way he thinks he’s doing what’s best for you. As messed up as it is. Fact is you’re engaged and Rin… Rin knows what it’s like to lose family. He won’t ever ask you to do that. So I think it’s up to you. I think you might have to make the choice here.”

Haru stiffened visibly, but gave a short nod.

“I know.”

* * *

Rin scraped his hand through his hair for what could have been the hundreth, might even have been the thousandth time. He was still shaking and clutched his glass of water so tight Makoto was worried it might shatter. Despite his best efforts, Makoto had yet to be able to calm him down.

“It was...awful. I was awful. I was so horrible to him...a-and I could hear myself say these things - shit that isn’t even true but I knew it would hurt - and so I just...Its like I couldn’t stop myself. Like I was right back to being some 17 year old asshole and… we just. We don’t talk to each other like that Makoto. Not ever. I shouldn’t have…”

“Rin please, take some deep breaths. It won’t be as bad as you think. You...you don’t have to be so hard on yourself. Haru will understand. He will.”

“It’s just… its not working Makoto. Seeing him every day. It’s too hard. And I don’t want to be that person again. I can’t…I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”

Makoto felt a sharp stab of worry. It had always been this way. Whenever Rin lashed out, chances were he hurt himself most of all. And watching him now, seeing the panic, the anxiety overwhelming his friend, he couldn’t help but feel Rin might be on the brink of doing something rash. Something he would regret.

He reached out to grip Rin’s shoulder, feeling the knot of tension there and trying to will him to be calm.

“Just hang in there Rin, please. This will all get sorted out. Somehow. It will I promise. You can come through this.”

Rin dropped his head into his hands and continued to tremble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Next chapter**  
>  Haru turns 20 and of course only wants one thing. A surprise announcement leads Rin to make a decision. 
> 
>  
> 
> Ok, this chapter turned out a lot longer than I meant (as this fic is doing in general tbh…help!) I wanted to have a go at writing some actual swimming/ training time...which was harder than I thought. 
> 
> On a seperate and completely non fic related note. I have been trying to learn to swim butterfly and it is HARD man. Like, so hard. I can barely make it a full length and even then I need like 20 mins of doing old-lady style breaststroke to recover. So I swear anyone that can do it without drowning (darling Rin included <3) is a badass.


	7. SEVEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:**  
>  Chapter contains brief mention/description of an anxiety attack

_Rin’s nuzzles his way up until his chin is resting against Haru’s abs, hands sliding along his waist, caressing his skin._

_“Nah Haru. What do you want to do for your birthday?”_

_It takes Haru a few beats, a few breaths to stop trembling, one hand still fisted in Rin’s hair._

_“THAT’s what you were thinking about?”_

_Rin tilts his head taking in Haru’s general state of dishevelment and looking pleased with himself. “And other things… but seriously. It’s coming up soon. What do you want?”_

_“I don’t know. Nothing really.”_

_“Haru! You can’t just do nothing. You’re going to be 20. Officially an adult! It’s important to start off on the right foot. You know...set the tone for the future.”_

_“Then I want to swim”_

_Rin snorts “That’s a given”_

_“And I want to be with you.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_Rin props himself up on his elbows, pulling forward to level with Haru’s face._

_“Yeah, Rin. Always.”_

_Rin grins back at him, hair mussed, lips a little swollen and Haru feels his heart skip several beats._

_“Well, unfortunately for you that's also a given. So you still need to answer my question.”_

_He pulls Rin in for a kiss, can taste himself on Rin’s tongue._ This. _he thinks,_ I want this _._

* * *

Haru woke up alone, aroused and twenty years old. He tried to screw his eyes shut against the morning light, a heaviness in his stomach as he cursed his entry into adulthood. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be at all.

Haru had never been a big fan of his birthday - too many spent alone as a child so any fuss felt unnatural - but this year was supposed to have been different. Turning 20 was a milestone that Rin had been adamant couldn’t just be overlooked so he’d booked a table at a fancy fish restaurant for Haru and his friends to celebrate, promising that they were known for having the best mackerel in Tokyo. Rin had even managed to arrange for Nagisa and Rei to visit from Kyoto and for Gou to make the journey up from Iwatobi to join them for dinner. _Small, select and intimate._ Rin had promised. 

Haru had surprised himself by how much he had been looking forward to it. He’d anticipated waking up in bed with Rin and enjoying a long lazy morning of _not sleeping_ before Rin no doubt was going to whisk him away on some over the top cheesy romantic activity just for the two of them before they met their friends for dinner.

In spite of everything that had happened over the past couple of weeks, Haru couldn’t help but feel a fresh foolish stab of hope that Rin would still show up at his door. Wouldn’t ask that Haru spend this day without him. He was so busy dwelling on this thought that when the doorbell did ring he couldn’t help but jump, rushing to answer it, his hopes flying ahead of all reason.

It was of course Makoto. Haru tried to hide the disappointment from showing, after all he was still grateful, beyond grateful to see his friend. Makoto knew how hard today was likely to prove to Haru.

“Hey Haru, Happy birthday.” Makoto pulled him into a hug, trying to smile brightly but looking a little worried nevertheless. He pressed two parcels into Haru’s hands, one was wrapped in bright striped paper, the other a slick matt black.

“Here this is from me and this one was with the doorman. He asked me to bring it up.”

Haru opened the striped one from Makoto first: a fancy new set of jammers in his preferred cut and colour and a novelty swim towel featuring Loosejaw-kun. He fingered the other one suspiciously. Could it possibly…

He opened it slowly to reveal a rich mahogany box. His heart thudded a little. Rin couldn’t have afforded something like that... could he? surely there was no way?

He opened the box and despite his better sense his heart still sank. It was an expensive looking gold watch, heavy and bright with small precious stones set into the face. There was a ivory and gold card propped in the box, elegant script declaring, _“On the occasion of your becoming a man. We look forward to you making us proud.”_

Haru shut the box with a snap and shoved it hastily into a cupboard and out of sight. Makoto watched him with sad eyes, before blinking rapidly and insting Haru get changed so they could head out. “You can’t spend your birthday indoors.”

First they made a trip to the Nezu shrine to select a omikuji. Haru received a ‘great blessing’ and the ‘endan’ fortune which only blackened his mood. Despite Makoto’s worry about bad luck he screwed it up and threw it into the first bin he saw, feeling bitter.

Sensing things were not going so well, Makoto then swiftly directed them to the Tokyo Sea Life Park. It was usually one of Haru’s favorite’s - an activity saved as a special treat. Haru tried to relax and enjoy himself for Makoto’s sake, but his mind was clearly elsewhere. He was barely taking anything in. It just all felt wrong - too hot and close and the happy crowds bothered him. He particularly couldn't bare watching the couples who huddled close, pointing out the beautiful sea life, sharing tender touches and secret whispers. He wandered off alone, Makoto keeping a polite distance, and stood for a long time looking up at the shark tank, watching their graceful glide and wondering if maybe, just maybe, there was a parallel world in which another Haru was spending the day with another Rin, and what they would be doing right now. Wondered what his Rin was doing right now.

By the time dinner rolled round Haru had almost managed to convince himself that Rin must be coming. He had to be there. The alternative was too awful to consider.

The restaurant itself was impressive, high up in a hotel building and Rin had booked a small private dining room that looked out at views of the Sumida river and Tsukiji Market.

“Rin did a great job finding this place huh.” Makoto remarked gently. Haru flicked his eyes to his friend.

“Will he be here?”

Makoto looked pained. “I don’t know Haru. I think Sousuke was trying....” He trailed off and Haru looked away.

Rei and Nagisa arrived next. Nagisa almost knocking Haru over with a hug, seemingly having decided to be cheerful enough for everybody.

“No Gou?” Makoto asked.

Rei shook his head gently. “No, she sends her apologies but she is feeling quite unwell and was not able to travel.”

Haru didn’t bother trying to push the lie. While Gou was still _technically_ speaking to him, she had made it quite clear to him in her own way that she was feeling betrayed for her brother. Haru couldn’t blame her, but he wished he could have seen her all the same.  

When the sliding doors opened for a final time, Haru’s eyes darted over looking hopeful, but Sousuke was stood alone. He met Haru’s gaze and gave a small apologetic shrug. Haru looked crestfallen.

“He’s not coming.” He said quietly.

Sousuke settled himself heavily in one of the final three empty spaces and shifted awkwardly.

“I’m sorry. I tried. He wanted to. It just … It wasn’t going to work out.” He said stiffly, directing his attention to the menu.

Haru tried to enjoy the evening, really did try for the sake of his friends who were all valiantly working to be as cheerful as possible, but as amazing as the food was it was all ash in Haru’s mouth. He stared out at the grand setting, the beautiful view and all he could think of was where Rin was right now, what he was doing.

He should have been here. He belonged here and Haru had ruined that.

He watched as Nagisa tried to sneak the vegetables he didn’t like onto Rei’s plate. How Rei pretended not to notice and only pushed his glasses back against his nose as if he didn’t see.

He watched as Sousuke and Makoto shared worried glances. A tentative new kind of closeness having settled between the pair through their shared attempts to care for himself and Rin. He wondered if they were aware of it yet - the way Makoto’s eyes softened just a little when Sousuke spoke. The way Sousuke leant his arm against the back of Makoto’s chair. It would have looked casual if he hadn’t been so tense. Hadn’t flicked his gaze to Makoto to see if he minded. He wondered if Rin had noticed. He felt a deep ache in his chest. He looked at the empty spaces. Gou. Rin. They should be here. Rin should be here. He wanted Rin.

“Haru why are you and Rin broken up.” Nagisa cut through Haru’s brooding. “I don’t understand. Why would you marry someone you don’t know when we all know that you…”

Rei moved like a flash and smothered Nagisa’s mouth with his hand hissing. _“Nagisa I thought we agreed.”_

Everyone was looking at Haru mortified, but Nagisa was unrepentant. He bit Rei’s finger causing the boy to release him cursing and fixed Haru with a wide-eyed watery stare.

“I don’t understand why we can’t talk about it. You’re our friend. We care about you. And it doesn’t make any sense. You’re miserable. Rin is _miserable_ and it's your birthday and...and surely if you just talk to your parents they’ll understand. They love you right? They must want you to be happy.”

_They love you right?_

Unbidden an image of his small clammy hands gripping his mother’s skirt flashed in Haru’s minds eyes. The feel of trying to cling on to the material as she walked away.

_Just talk to them._

Haru stood up sharply.

“Thank you. Everyone. I want to go home now.”

Ignoring the protests, the brush of Makoto’s arm, Haru briskly excused himself from the room and cut across the restaurant, his limbs feeling heavy and so so tired. He tried to ask the hostess about leaving a card to pay but she just waved him off smiling. _Oh that’s all been taken care of, courtesy of a… a Mr Matsuoka. You just enjoy yourself._

Haru felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach. He couldn’t breathe properly. It hurt too much.

He fled the building, gasping deep lungfuls of warm summer air. He found he couldn’t stop his legs from shaking.  

“Haru wait up a second.”

Sousuke had followed him out.

“Look, I know you’re disappointed he didn’t come. But that wasn’t fair. We came for you. We all came here for you. You can’t really have expected… I mean I can barely look at you myself sometimes. Do you have _any_ idea how much you’ve hurt him?”

“So why did you come.” Haru asked shortly, trying to hide the tremble in his voice. This was not something he felt like getting into it the middle of the street.

“Because like it or not we’re friends too. And _he_ asked me too. He wanted me to give you this.” Sousuke thrust a large rectangular package toward Haru who took the parcel quietly, running his fingers over the paper.

“From Rin?”

“Yeah. He fretted over it all morning so the wrappings a little screwed up. But he wanted you to have it still.”

Sousuke watched Haru for what felt like a long time before he spoke again, voice softer and kinder than Haru had ever known him to be.

“I know how much it sucks that he’s not here. I know it’s your birthday and all and I’m sorry… I really am Haru. But you do understand why he can’t, right?”

Haru nodded stiffly. Sousuke sighed and turned to head back into the restaurant but Haru called after him suddenly.

“Will you tell him thank you Sousuke. Tell him thank you… and that I love him.”

“I’ll tell him thank you, Haru.” Sousuke said gravely before turning away.

* * *

Haru held the parcel tight to his chest the whole journey home, trying to eek out from it some sense of Rin. Of his smell or his warmth. He thought about Rin’s smile. He almost missed his stop.

Once in his apartment Haru set the package gently onto the low table in his main living area and sat staring at it for a long while. As Sousuke had said, the wrapping paper was a little worn, the edges and corners bearing the marks of anxious fingers. He thought about Rin’s hands, Rin’s touch. He sighed shivering and pressed the package back close to him.

When Haru finally opened it, he did so slowly and delicately, working carefully to separate the sellotape, not wanting to rip or tear the paper which he folded neatly and set aside.

Inside he found a set of beautiful watercolour paints from a brand Haru knew cost a lot of money. He ran his fingers gently over the case. Rin must have saved up to afford them. Underneath there was a matching sketchbook, the blank paper rich and creamy. Haru smiled in spite of himself. They were beautiful.

The final item underneath was a hardback book. Haru flipped it over to read the cover.

_“The world in water: 100 of the most beautiful lakes, beaches and rivers to explore and enjoy.”_

There was a square of card taped on the inside cover bearing a short message in Rin’s neatest handwriting. _“Happy 20th Birthday Haru”_

Haru frowned a little and ran his fingers over it thoughtfully. It seemed off, out of place somehow. Curiosity peaked, he started to work his fingernail under the corner, scratching and lifting until eventually the card started to separate. It looked like Rin had used a combination of glue and tape which just made Haru even more determined to see what he had been trying to cover up.

Eventually he managed to pull the insert away, and brushed the paper beneath to find the remains of the original dedication. Rin had clearly tried to erase it first but the words were still just legible if Haru looked closely.

_“Happy 20th birthday Haru. I don’t think you’ll ever know - that I will ever be able to find the words to explain - how happy I am that you were born and that we found each other. Selfishly, I want to celebrate this day for myself too, because my life would be so much emptier if you were not in it._

_Anyway, enough sappy stuff. I know you hate it. So how about a challenge instead? Here’s one for both of us - let’s spend the next 20 years visiting all of these places together and showing each other all the sights we’ve never seen. I love you Haru._

_Always._

_Rin._

_p.s. Let’s start with page 48 :)  ”_

Haru turned to page 48 and stared for a long time before shutting the book back up with a snap.

* * *

_“You’re ok. You’re safe. You can do this. It’s going to be ok.”_

Rin repeated the words over and over to himself like a chant as he made his way through the university sports complex to he gym, practising the slow rhythmic breathing he’d been taught for when the world felt like it was pressing in just that bit too close. He could do this. He just needed to focus on training, forget the emotions and work.

Missing Haru’s birthday had been _hard_. Awfully terribly hard. He’d been planning the day for weeks - months really - and forcing himself to stay away, watching Sousuke leave for dinner without him, had made everything feel all the more real in the worst way. He was dreading facing Haru at training. Couldn’t shift the tightness in his chest which made it feel like he had to fight to take a deep enough breath.

It had been yet another night when he hadn’t managed to sleep much. Too preoccupied with wondering if Haru had had a good day, if he had opened his gift… and if he had what he’d thought of it. He worried it didn’t make sense anymore. It wasn’t supposed to be given as a standalone. He’d had a whole speech prepared. What if Haru had thought it was stupid? _But what difference should that make anymore?_ He chastised himself.

He wondered if Fumiko had bought Haru something too. If she knew what he liked.

He entered the gym and was surprised to find his teammates all huddled round looking at something, not working out. Rin felt his stomach roil uncomfortably. Something didn’t feel right…

“Hey guys, what gives?” He called out hoping he sounded cheerful. Kenta jumped and turned to face him, the others looking up guiltily.

“Rin hey! Morning...erm it’s nothing.”

Rin felt his ears go hot as he watched Kenta shove the ‘something’ behind his back. Everyone was staring at him with some strange mixture of unease and … was that pity? His chest tightened.

“What? Show me.”

The team exchanged glances looking concerned, but Ando shoved Kenta forward, forcing him to step to Rin. He passed him a piece of paper looking a little guilty.  

“Its Haruka, er-Nanase. In the paper.” He explained with a weak smile. “He sure kept that one quiet.”

Rin looked down and felt the final shred of hope he hadn’t realised he had been holding onto shatter.

* * *

Haru was running late. Very late. He hadn’t slept properly. Had spent hours pacing his flat. Flicking through the book Rin had given him learning about all the places Rin had wanted to go. Had wanted to take _him._

He’d seriously considered skipping the sheduled gym session. Their weights programme was usually a little less prescriptive than pool time and core dry land training, most of the team working on individualised sets. Plus he’d always hated the sterile monotony of the gym, only suffering through the grueling strength training because he wanted this, wanted to be competitive, wanted to know what it was to swim at the highest level. To swim in the same world as Rin.

But team training was now his only connection to, his only way of seeing, Rin, and so sleep deprived and dishevelled Haru had eventually pulled himself together enough to rush to campus.

He entered the gym almost 15 minutes late trying to slip in unnoticed but immediately could see that something was wrong. Instead of the usual noise and bluster of the team hard at work - the clash of weighted plates, the huff and groan of exertion, the whir of the rowers and treadmills - there was only silence and the gentle hum of the aircon.

His team were all huddled in the centre and had turned to stare at him as soon as he had entered the room. Haru’s eyes flicked over the silent swimmers before, as ever, being automatically drawn to Rin. He was hunched over in the middle of the group, gaze fixed on something in his hands. Haru briefly considered trying to just ignore it, but something in the atmosphere of the room made his stomach clench. Why were they all staring at him like he’d grown a second head? And why did Rin look like he was about to be sick? 

“What?” He demanded eventually, trying to fight the heat that was rising in his cheeks.  
  
Rin’s gaze flicked to Haru, his eyes empty and flat before dropping back to the paper he was holding, which he then thrust toward Haru.  
  
“Here. The team would like to congratulate you Nanase”  
  
Haru reached for the paper with shaking hands. It was a page taken from that mornings issue of the Yomiuri. There in the top corner was a picture of his own face - it was a few years old - a photo taken for a local paper in Iwatobi when he had qualified for the national championships.

When he’d visited Rin in Sydney during the year they’d had to spend apart he’d found a copy of that same photo pinned near Rin’s bed. Rin had been utterly mortified at the discovery, clearly having forgotten to take it down. Haru had cheekily autographed it - a way to break the tension, pretending to see it as a sign of rivalry rather than romance - but privately he’d been overcome at the gesture, hands shaking as he snuck a badly scribbled heart next to his signature.

But this time it had nothing to do with swimming. It was next to a portrait of Fumiko. **_[The Nanase and Otsuka families formally announce the engagement of ....]_ **

Haru stopped reading, his face going hot and his heart hammering in his chest.

_No. No, no, no._

He looked up to face Rin, but Rin had already returned to their teammates turned slightly away and hands shoved in pockets.  
  
“Um congratulations Nanase. We had no idea.”

Captain Watanabe led what turned into a murmured chorus of well wishes - congratulations and questions - but it was all drowned out by the deafening white noise that had invaded Haru’s brain. The stuttering thump of his heart beating far too fast.

_How could his parents have done this without telling him. Had Fumiko known? How did his parents even have that photograph of him? Did that mean they actually kept any of him around their house somewhere? Why hadn’t he been told? Was this some ploy to try and get him to give in, to accept that he had no choice?_

He stared at Rin, eyes wide and terrified. _Rin had seen… Must think he had known._

Rin’s face was tight and pinched, a single wrinkle of tension on his brow. 

Haru wondered if anyone else could see it. If any of their team could tell just how hard Rin was working right now just to stand still.  
  
Rin was hurting. He was hurting so much and Haru was the one hurting him.

Haru’s stomach lurched painfully. He pressed a hand to his mouth feeling like he might be sick. Enough. This had to stop.

“It’s not...I didn’t…” He spluttered uselessly, words getting caught around the lump in his throat.  He crumpling the paper in his fist and fixed Rin with a pleading gaze. What could Haru say in front of their team? But he needed Rin to know, that this wasn’t his doing. That he was leaving so he could put it right.

Rin looked up seemingly helpless to avoid the pull of Haru’s eyes, his own large but frighteningly blank.

“I have to go. But Rin...Rin I’m going to call you later. Please pick up.” Haru pleaded with him to understand. To know he hadn’t done this...wouldn’t.

Rin just hunched his shoulders, curling in as if protecting himself from a blow and turned his back to Haru to head over to the weights.

Haru allowed himself one last glance at his retreating form and then started to run.

* * *

Rin didn’t watch Haru leave. Couldn’t. Instead as the team slowly dispersed still muttering and gossiping he headed straight for the squat rack and set the plates to an warm up weight. He felt a tingling numbness in his fingers. He ignored it trying to take a deep breath. This changed nothing. It was what he already knew. And he still had a job to do. He needed to focus on what he could control. He stepped back, lifting the bar off the rack.

But his lungs seemed only to shudder emptily. Why wasn’t the air going in?  

_“Who even knew Nanase had it in him.”_

_“Always thought he only had eyes for the fish...or for Mat-”_

_“Sato, Ando. Knock it off. If you have the energy to gossip then you can add another plate.”_

Rin’s head started to spin. He wavered. _This can’t be happening._ He took a step to return the bar but his knee slipped, giving out. He felt himself go down, the weight that should have been easy suddenly unbearable. He felt arms rush to catch him, to pull the barbell back off his shoulders.

“Rin? Rin are you ok? Did you pull something.”

Rin staggered to his feet with Watanabe’s help. He was shaking, a cold sweat breaking out on his brow.

“Fine, I’m fine. I just...water. Air. I need some air.”

Rin felt the numbness start to spread. A familiar nausea springing up.

_No. Not now. Not here._

He ran.

Rin fled the gym, ignoring the startled cries. He stumbled down the corridor searching for toilets, for an empty office. Anything.

He tried the first door gasping, trying to resist the spots dancing at the edges of his vision. It was locked.

_Not here, not here, not here._

He could hear Watanabe calling after him.  
  
_No. Not here, not here, not here._

He crashed into the next which was thankfully open. It appeared to be a supply cupboard, Rin sending a shelf of medicine balls toppling as he crashed inside slamming the door. He crouched, shoving his head between his knees and tried to remember what he was supposed to do. How to breathe. But his mind was only blind terror.

 _You’re dying._ It told him. _You can’t breathe. This is how it ends. Alone hiding in a stupid cupboard. And the last thing Haru will remember is you congratulating him on his marriage. You telling him to ‘fuck off’._

The door snapped open.  
“Just what in the hell is all this noise—-...Matsuoka?”  
  
Coach Yamamoto stood in the doorway staring down at him. The anger in her expression very rapidly gave way to worry though, and she closed the door behind her and crouched at Rin’s side.  
  
“Matsuoka can you hear me? I need you to pay attention to my voice can you do that?”  
  
Rin nodded, eyes screwed shut and chest still stuttering.  
  
“Ok good. You are safe here. There is enough air and you can breathe. You are going to be ok. Follow my lead, ok. In, one two three. Out one to three.”

Rin tried to follow her direction, to ignore the voice in his head and stop fighting for the air that was readily available to him.

“That’s good Matsuoka, that’s really good. It will be over soon. You’re doing brilliantly.”

Rin clung to the words, feeling the tension in his chest ease ever so slightly.

“That’s it Matsuoka, keep doing exactly what you are doing. When you are ready do you think you could open your eyes, do you think you could look at me?”

Rin did as she said and lifted his head to meet her steady gaze. Yamamoto looked calm and that calmness echoed back into him. There was something else unreadable in her expression but he chose to ignore it. To focus on the soothing rhythm of her voice and she counted out his breaths.

Slowly, the room stopped spinning, his vision cleared. He hiccuped out a final shuddering gasp and dropped his chin to his chest, suddenly so very ashamed. Now he’d really gone and done it.  
Coach Yamamoto watched him as his breathing evened out, eyes flicking over him. Eventually she rose to stand and offered a hand.  
“Ok. Let’s go to my office Matsuoka. Now.”

\------

Rin shuffled after Coach Yamamoto, shoulders hunched and a thousand terrible scenarios running through his head. Was he going to get in trouble for missing training, for trashing the store cupboard, for hiding his panic attacks? For all three?

Once they were in the small room and the door closed Coach Yamamoto's first question did nothing to ease his fear.  

She sat heavily in her chair and gestured for Rin to take the seat opposite.

“May I ask how long have you been experiencing anxiety attacks Matsuoka?”  
  
Rin ran a hand through his hair, then decided then and there his only option was to be honest.  

“A while. A long time actually. But. They don’t...It hasn’t happened in...”  
  
Rin was about to say months. But that wasn’t true anymore. After running from the restaurant, running from Haru, from his parents, he’d lapsed into an attack so severe it had landed him in the emergency room, a flustered bypasser finding him slumped over and gasping in the street and calling an ambulance even though he’d tried to explain. The whole experience had been humiliating and he hadn’t told anyone. He flushed with shame. He hated people knowing this about him. Just how weak he really was.  
  
“How did you know?”  
  
“My son.” Yamamoto answered stiffly, not elaborating while she scrabbled for something in a chunky binder. “I don’t have you down as on any medication?”  
  
“I don’t need it. I can manage. Usually. And it doesn’t happen when I compete - it’s not... I can still race, I swear.”  
  
“Matsuoka I’ve seen you race. That’s not my primary concern. But you still should have told us. And I’ll be frank _I am_ a little worried about you. I’ve been meaning to speak to you actually.  One of your professors came to see me to say you’d been distracted in class and missed handing in an assignment. Is that true?”

The colour drained from Rin’s face.

“W-what?”

Yamamoto pulled out a notepad and frowned at some writing.

“An English paper I believe?”

Realisation dawned and Rin pulled at his hair.

“Oh...oh god I...I just forgot. I didn’t even write it yet.”

“Matsuoka its ok. You’ve already met the course requirements for this year. In fact the only reason your professor thought it needed bringing up is because its so out of character. From what I can see you’ve been an excellent student since you transferred. Top of almost all you’re classes. So he was worried. And if you don’t mind my saying, between that, the suspension and finding you curled up in a supply cupboard I’d say he was right to be. And with the intercollegiate cup so close and national team selection in the spring if there is something wrong, if you are experiencing difficulties or the pressure is becoming too great we should work to address this sooner rather than later.”

Rin bowed his head. “I’m sorry.”

Yamamoto tilted hers.

“Matsuoka there’s nothing to apologise for. You’re not going to be punished. I’m just concerned. This has all seemed rather sudden. Did something happen? Your fight with Nanase was certainly a surprise. You’ve always seemed so close. Friends since childhood, correct? Yet I’ve barely seen you look at each other since you got back to training.”

Rin wavered, feeling the rush of pain squeeze his chest.

“Haru’s getting married.” He finally said sullenly, cursing his inability to control the wobble in his voice.

Coach Yamamoto raised her eyebrows, and then her eyes softened. “Oh… oh I think perhaps I see.”

To Rin’s abject horror then, he started to cry, a wave of shuddering sobs that took him so by surprise he crumpled over and buried his face in his hands. In all the time in Iwatobi, all the time since that awful awful dinner, he’d been so numb he had not yet really let himself feel the heartbreak and all of a sudden, in the assistant coach’s office of all places, it was if the damn just burst.

“I’m...s-sorry. This is so…embarrassing.” He choked out, trying in vain to hold back the tide.

Coach Yamamoto watched his shoulders shake for a few moments before she stood and crossed the room to kneel at his side and wrap him in a warm hug, not speaking but just making quiet soothing sounds and letting him sob against her shoulder. She felt a great wave of pity for the boy in her arms, still so young but looking so devoid of hope.

As Rin seemed to quiet a little she pulled back, offering him a box of tissues from the desk.

“Matsuoka...Rin... Can I call you Rin?”

Rin nodded, shoulders still shuddering as he tried to get a grip on himself.

“Rin I want to help. Tell me what you need. If anything was possible - anything at all to make this easier - what would you ask for? Let’s start there.”

Rin thought bitterly for a moment about how the one thing he really wanted - needed - wasn’t possible.

“I want….I want to leave Tokyo for a while. I don’t want to leave the team, to stop training, but being here…” his voice cracked again. He hadn’t realised what he was going to say until the words were already out. “I mean, I have my old coach in Sydney but…” He trailed off miserably.

Coach Yamamoto thought for a while a slight frown on her face.

“Rin stay here. I’m going to make a quick phone call. I’ll be back. Don’t move.”

She exited the room with a soft click of the door and Rin forced himself to take a few shuddering breaths, flexing his fingers to try and work out the tremors.

Mentally he was kicking himself, a fresh stab of fear rising up. He had just asked to leave the team - maybe not forever but surely even for a while was bad enough. What if they kicked him off? Questioned his commitment. Told him he was no longer welcome?

But he also felt a strange measure of relief. He was tired. So very tired of pretending everything was ok. That he was fine. That it wasn’t draining every ounce of strength he had just to force himself to carry on as normal - as if his world hadn’t cracked and shattered.

He’d finally told someone the truth: that he couldn’t cope anymore and he needed something to change.

And so he’d take the punishment, he decided. It wouldn’t change the fact he couldn’t do this anymore.

Rin was startled from his musings by the return of Coach Yamamoto, this time brandishing a set of flyers which she thrust toward him.

“Ok Rin. I don’t think we can quite manage Sydney. But here. What about one of these.”

Rin blinked in surprise and looked down at the stack she had handed him. Among them there were pamphlets displaying pictures of pools in Osaka, Nagoya, Yokohama and even Sapporo.

“These are all facilities the JSF has connections to.” Yamamoto explained. “As a nationally funded athlete you can take up training camps at any one of these places without it affecting your collegiate team eligibility. What do you think?”

Rin fingered the leaflets. “You mean… I could go somewhere else and train… just for a little while?”

Yamamoto nodded.

“Yes. While the semester break is on there’s no reason you couldn’t temporarily relocate your training. It’s not unusual for athletes wanting to train closer to their homes in the summer, or to sharpen certain skills. I could make some calls. I mean we’d need to manage your taper for the cup carefully, but I think I could get Coach Mikitani to sign it off. He’s...aware things are difficult for you and Nanase at the moment. Even if he might not understand why.”

Rin fingered the last of the leaflets.

“Arizona”

“What?”

“There’s one here for the Northern Arizona University. Could I go there?” He looked up expecting Yamamoto to dismiss the idea out of hand but she simply regarded him thoughtfully.

“Its true, Flagstaff is an excellent facility. The national team has had a base there since before London 2012 and there are some fantastic coaches there...but are you sure that's the wisest choice Rin? It's a long way. It’s very different to being in another city just a few hours away. It's half way across the world. What about your family? Your support network?”

Rin paused and then nodded firmly.

“They train olympians there. The olympics is my dream. So if I can’t... _I can’t_ stay here. I’d like to go. I’d like to try. I’ve done it before. In Sydney. I think I could do it again.”

Yamamoto pressed her lips for a long while, eyes piercing. She finally smiled softly.

“Ok Rin. I’m not promising anything yet, as I say I’d need to sign it off with Coach Mikitani, but yes. The olympics is your goal so we need you in the right mindframe for that. But I would ask that you also allow me to put you in touch with the student support centre there. You may almost be 20, but I still have a duty of care.”

Almost instantaneously Rin felt like something had loosened in his chest, he took what felt like his first properly deep breath in days. “I...I don’t know what to say. Thank you… thank you so much.”

“Well don’t thank me too much yet. Let me talk to Coach Mikitani. But Rin, one thing to be aware - I’m sure we can sort retrospective funding if we can come up with a smart argument why you need to be there, but at short notice you may need to arrange travel yourself. Is that something you’d be willing to do? Once you’re out there we can put you up in the university halls so your living would be mostly covered.”

The image of two rings flickered in Rin’s mind for a split second before he shook it away. 

“That’s Ok. I can pay. I have savings.” he said quietly

“Ok. Then it’s agreed. Lets see what we can arrange for summer break, and then if needed we can reassess for the fall semester.”

“What do you mean reassess.” Rin asked feeling suddenly worried - did this mean his spot was at risk if he didn't manage to pull himself together?

“I mean that while we as a university want you here Rin, the JSF has it in its interests to make sure that funded athletes are happy and healthy and training well. That includes mental health and that includes you and Nanase. You could both be real medal contenders and so if training here is no longer working out there are plenty of other fantastic universities and facilities both here in Tokyo and further afield that are connected to the national team that we could arrange for you to transfer for a semester, or longer if needed. I myself did much of my training in Osaka and loved my time there. There is always a way Rin. We’re committed to doing what it takes to make your dream work as long as you are.”

“I….it never really occurred to me to train anywhere but here.”

Coach smiled sympathetically. “Like I said, let’s not make any major decisions right now. Things could look very different after a few weeks away from home soil.”

Rin stood and bowed low, overcome by gratitude.

“I...Thank you. I won’t let you down. I’ll train harder than ever.”

“You are more than welcome Rin. Just… look after yourself ok? Do you have people, people you can talk to about this?”

Rin thought of Sousuke and Makoto and about how hard they had been trying, dancing the line between supporting Rin without abandoning Haru.

“Yeah, I do. I will. Thank you again.”

 

* * *

Assistant coach Yamamoto was better than her word, Rin got a confirmation email that afternoon informing him he’d been granted a place to train over the summer break including contact details for the local coaching team and a few members of the national team already based at the US facility. All he had to do was confirm his expected arrival dates.

Rin looked up the flighs right away, purchasing the first available, only wincing a little at the cost. He sat back with a shaky sigh of relief. A whole two months to try to find some way to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart. 

He started packing immediately and with gusto - setting most of his belongings aside to go into storage while he was away and he and Sousuke were due to move out of their apartment. His progress was somewhat hampered though by how often he found himself getting floored by finding things of Haru’s wrapped up in his own belongings. Unavoidable evidence of the life and love he had lost. He placed them carefully in a box he set to the side.  
  
He cleaned the nightstand by his bed quickly, removing the supply of condoms and lubricants along with the pair of joke policeman’s handcuff that had belonged to an old Halloween costume of Rin’s but hadn’t quite made it to the trash. He binned the lot, and though he blushed at the memory, his blood stayed cold.  
  
He wondered if he would ever feel it again. That overwhelming intense and heady want, the rush of being wanted in return. Because for Rin desire and Haru had always been so inextricably linked that it seemed impossible to imagine one without the other.

 

By the time Sousuke made it home, Rin’s bedroom was bare and his belongings were fully packed and organised, Rin just putting the final touches to his travel bag.

Sousuke found him in his now empty room, his eyes flicking over the space only briefly before he fixed Rin with a concerned look.

“Rin… what have you done?”  

Rin explained as succinctly as he could. He didn’t have the strength, the energy to go into the depth of the emotions he was battling, only stating that this was the best choice - both personally and professionally.

Sousuke listened arms crossed, looking unconvinced, but when he spoke his reaction wasn’t the one Rin had been expecting.

“Ok. Then I’m coming with you.”

Rin choked down his shock.

“Sou no! You have your placement. I’m not gonna let you fuck that up for me.”

But Sousuke shook it off as if it was nothing - as if it hadn’t been what he was working towards all year.

“Rin you’re more important. If this is really what you think is best then I support you. You know I support you no matter what. It’s an amazing opportunity but...you’ll be alone. I don’t want you to have to be alone. Not with all...this going on between you and Haru.”

Rin couldn’t help but flinch a little at the mention of Haru, but he forced himself too look back at Sousuke calm and confident. 

“Sou, I’ll be fine. I think this is something I need to do. _Alone._ Because I can’t keep smashing myself up on the same rocks over and over just hoping something will feel different. It's not good for me. I need some time. Time away to get used to this. Besides, they’ll be other swimmers from all over there. It...it could be good for me. And my times.”

Sousuke shook his head again.

“I don’t like it Rin. I don’t see why you should have to be the one to leave. This is his fuck up.”

Rin bit his lip, and when he spoke again the words were a little more strained than before.

“Haru has his path forward. I need to go and work out what mine is. This is a great opportunity. And like you said - swimming, The Olympics, it has to be bigger than him. I have to try...”

To his great shock, Sousuke pulled forward then to wrap him into a hug.

“Ok Rin, if you’re sure. If you’re sure this is what you need then... go. Go and do what has to be done so that you’re ready to kick his ass at the cup, ok? Now, when do you need to leave?”

Rin pulled back and ducked his head a little guiltily.

“...Tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Endan fortune = marriage/engagement
> 
> *Flagstaff - I remember reading in the run up to London 2012 about the Japanese team having a training base there. For the purpose of this fic I am assuming it’s still true :). This is also vaguely based off a pal of mine who ran off to NZ for a few months on a whim after a bad breakup. They are back together now so take from that what you will :) 
> 
> *As far as I understand it marriage announcements in national papers are not really a thing in Japan like it is here in the UK so please forgive my fudging this for the sake of a plot point!
> 
> Also congratulations and my eternal thanks if you have stuck with this up until now. I am pleased to say that was the end of the ‘breaking Rin’s heart’ portion of this fic. 
> 
> **Next chapter**  
>  Makoto spills a secret. Haru takes action. Rin heads to the airport.


	8. EIGHT

Sousuke rang the buzzer for Haru’s apartment mentally bracing himself.

Haru opened up with a jerk, the door swinging back to smash into his entryway wall with such a sharp bang that Sousuke jumped a little.

Haru looked frantic, his usually sleek hair sticking up at odd angles, his phone clutched in his hand. _[Thank you for calling Nanase industries. Your call is important to us….]_

Sousuke noted that he was still wearing his team warm ups and wondered if he’d slept at all the night before.

Haru didn’t even bother to hide the disappointment in his expression. 

“Oh.”  
“Yeah ...um sorry Haru.” Sousuke thrust out the box he’d carried up, “This is yours.”  
Haru took the box frowning, not understanding, but then he looked inside. It was his things, things he’d left at Rin’s. Hoodies and jammers and sketchbooks and pencils, his spare mackerel pan. Even his second toothbrush.  
Haru shook his head. “I don’t want it. Make Rin take it back.”

He tried to push the box back at Sousuke but Sousuke just held up his hands apologetically. “Haru you have to take it.”

“No” Haru replied stubbornly. “It's not...we’re not over.”

“Look I know it’s not what you want to hear, but Rin seems pretty sure about it. Besides you’re still _engaged_ for christs sakes. I’ve seen the paper.”

Sousuke’s expression hardened with obvious distaste and Haru flushed and had to look away.

“I didn’t know anything about that.”

“Haru please just take the box.” Sousuke continued. “And ... well if there’s anything of Rin’s here you could give me that too.”

“ _No._ His things belong here.” Haru tried again to push the box back into Sousuke’s arms but the other man stepped back, closing his hands into fists.

“Haru please, don’t make this harder. Rin’s gonna need his stuff when he gets back.”

That caused Haru to pause mid motion. “...gets back?”

“Yeah... Wait, you don’t know, do you?” Sousuke mentally kicked himself. Haru’s expression of surprise told him clearly the answer to that one.

“Know what? Where’s Rin?”

Haru felt a pulse of panic, his voice rising. Sousuke would no longer meet his eyes.

“He’s going away for a training camp….in Arizona.”

Haru felt as if the floor had just tilted.

“Arizona...He’s leaving?”

“Just for now. For the summer. We’d already given notice on the flat because, well you guys were supposed to ... and he just needs to get away for a bit. He’s ...” Sousuke rubbed his neck, “He’s cut up Haru.”

Haru stayed silent for a few beats, brow tense as he took in the new information. There were a hundred things he needed to ask, needed to understand, but he only just managed to stutter out the most pressing one.

“When. W-when does he leave?”

Sousuke looked at the floor, shoulders slumped. “I took him to the airport on the way here. I’m sorry Haru but he’s already gone.”

“What!”

Haru dropped the box and almost fell into his entry way as he fought to shove his feet into his trainers and grabbed his wallet.

“Haru I’m sorry ok. But he didn’t want a big send off he just wanted to- go. Haru...”

Haru pushed past Sousuke back into the corridor.

“Haneda or Narita?” he snapped.

“Haru stop! You won’t make it. His flight leaves in an hour—-“

“Sousuke which one?!??”

“Haneda. But Haru he’ll be through security. It’s no good-“

But Haru was already sprinting down the corridor.

Sousuke sagged against the wall with a sigh. He pulled out his phone and tapped out a quick text.

“ _Makoto, where are you? Can we meet? I think Haru is going to need you.”_

* * *

  
Haru flew down the stairs taking three at a time, bursting from his building and flagging down the first taxi he saw. He felt a clarity in the panic.

Rin mattered more. Of course Rin mattered more. More than all of it. What his family might do or say. More than anything he might stand to lose by breaking from them. More than what might happen to Fumiko. More even than swimming. Rin was everything and if he didn’t see that then Haru would just have to make him. 

“Haneda airport please. As fast as possible,” he gasped slamming the taxi door shut and gripping onto the cheap imitation leather seats until his knuckles were white.

The taxi pulled away smoothly, the driver taking in Haru’s dishevelled appearance through the rearview mirror - sweaty hair. No luggage. He raised his eyebrows.  
“Not tryna stop a plane are you? They really don’t like it when you do that.”  
“Not a plane. A person.” Haru bit out, missing the tease in the driver’s voice. “Can you go any faster? Please. It’s important.”  
“No can do I’m afraid. Speed restrictions. But if you want my advice if they go it’s usually for a reason. If its meant to be she’ll come back to you.”  
_I don’t want your advice. I want you to drive faster._ Haru thought but couldn’t quite bring himself to say. Instead he hunched down and begged every god he’d ever heard of that Rin wouldn’t board the plane.  
  
The next 31 minutes and 34 seconds were the longest of Haru’s life. When the car finally did pull up he didn't even wait for it to come to a stop before he sprinted for the departures hall, leaving a bundle of notes in the backseat as payment.

His heart was pounding painfully in his chest as he scanned the departures board. He’d worked out Rin would need to fly into L.A. first and there was just one flight to LAX listed - the display showing that it was already boarding. Sousuke had been right, there was no way he’d be able to buy a ticket to get through security in time.

He scanned the room feeling sick and desperate before he spotted an information desk for the airline. He dashed over, ignoring the queue and collapsed against the desk, bracing himself on his elbows.

The attendant sat back blinking in surprise as Haru heard a disgruntled chorus of complaints coming from the passengers behind him. She opened her mouth to protest but Haru got there first.

“Please. I’m sorry but It’s urgent. I need to get a message to a passenger on the flight to LAX. Matsuoka Rin. Please. It’s important. _Please_.”

Her expression flicked to something more serious, her posture changing, cleary on high alert.  
“Is this a medical or security matter sir?”

“What? No?”

“Then I’m sorry. That flight is already boarded and the gate is about to close.”  
Haru leaned forward, eyes wide and pleading.

“Please. _Please._ I’m begging you. Please just try.”

The woman looked at the man in front of her. He looked young, very young. His dark hair ruffled and sticking up in tufts, large clear blue eyes desperate, hands gripping the desk as if for dear life. She sighed. _The pretty ones always get me._ She picked up the phone and started to dial.

“Ok. Ok. I’m calling the gate. What’s the message?”

Haru exhaled heavily in relief.

“Please say that Haruka Nan--- tell him Haru’s here. For him. Rin Matsuoka. I’m here for him. Thank you. _Thank you so much_.”

Haru’s heart was in his throat as he watched the attendants face as she kept the phone pressed to her ear. Searching desperately for any sign. Any change. But after a few long beats she returned the receiver to its cradle.

“I’m very sorry Sir. There’s no answer at the gate. They must be pushing back. Unless it’s a legitimate emergency I’m afraid there’s nothing more I can do.”

Haru felt his vision start to tunnel, his heart skipping painfully.

“No. Please. Please try again. He can’t leave.”

“Sir. The gate is closed. Unless there is anything else I can help with I am going to need you to move along. I don’t want to call security, but I will if I have to. Do you understand?” Her tone was final, but not unkind.

Haru wrenched himself away.

He stood in the departures hall and hollowly watched as the board flicked Rin’s flight over from ‘gate closed’ to ‘departed’.

* * *

Haru lost track of how long he had sat there, oblivious to the rush and excitement and energy of the departure hall, only curled in on himself in one of the cheap plastic seats and trying to find a way to breathe through the pain - because it _burned._ Rin had gone. Rin had gone and it was all his fault and _it burned._

“Haru...hey. I’ve...I’ve come to take you home.”

The voice was soft and familiar, the weight of a hand on his shoulder, fingers digging in just a little too hard in concern.

“He’s gone. He left.”

Makoto looked down at him, green eyes bright with concern.

“Sousuke told me. I’m sorry Haru. I’m so sorry. If I’d known I would have...”

but Makoto faltered. What would he have done? Hadn’t he seen how day by day Rin had appeared to fade in front of his eyes? Despite all his and Sousuke’s best efforts, despite all Rin’s bluster, becoming progressively less and less like the friend they knew and loved.

And so maybe this really was what Rin needed, even as he could feel Haru trembling under his fingertips, the devastation plain. 

“Let me take you home.” He settled on, feeling traitorous.

* * *

Haru didn’t speak the whole journey, only slumped tiredly against Makoto and stared out the window of the taxi, eyes flat and unfocused.

When they arrived back at Haru’s apartment Makoto let them in and directed Haru over to the sofa where he automatically curled in on himself again, expression hidden by his hair.

Makoto quickly busied himself in the kitchen making Haru a cup of green tea, sweetened with a little honey, which he pushed toward him before settling cross legged on the other side of the low table.

“Haru. I think it’s time we talked about this.”

Haru looked up slowly, large eyes shining out from his pale, drawn face. 

“Is he going to come back?”

Makoto held his gaze and answered honestly.  

“Haru I don’t know. I don’t know what Rin’s going to do. And that’s why I think it’s time we talked about it. Properly talked about it. I’m trying to be supportive, to be here for you but honestly...I don’t understand...I don’t understand why you're letting this happen … why you aren't…”

“Please Makoto, stop. I...I need you. To be on my side.”

Makoto bristled slightly and leaned over to shake Haru’s shoulders, fingers digging in almost painfully.

“I am on your side Haru, I am ALWAYS on your side. My whole life. Which is why I can’t let you go on like this. We grew up together and I know you. And I know nothing and nobody has made you as happy as being with Rin. You _love_ Rin. Why are you letting your parents take that away from you?”

Haru was caught in that moment by a memory - fleeting and blurred - of a time when he’d been sick as a child. His grandmother had been looking after him, but then somewhere out of the haze the hand on his forehead had changed. He’d opened his eyes to find his mother leant over his bed. He could smell her perfume, hear the soft rustle of her clothes. She’d rested her hand for a moment against his head before tenderly ruffling his hair. And then she had been gone. It wasn’t much, but it was a moment of care he held tightly to himself as some sort of shield, some proof against the feelings of being too strange, too awkward, too disappointing of a son to have been loveable.

He snapped back to find Makoto staring at him, eyes bright with concern.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Rin’s gone.”

“Haru it does matter. _You matter_. Please tell me.”

Haru buried his face in his arms. Makoto had to lean in to hear him.

“I hoped… I hoped they might love me. One day. That they might learn. If I made it to the Olympics with Rin. If I made them proud they might. And if I don’t do what they say… I’ll never know... if they could have.”

Haru looked up and met Makoto’s gaze.

“I know they aren't good people, but they’re… the only family I have left.”  
Makoto softened his grip and instead pulled Haru into a hug, awkward as it was bent over the low table, it was with filled with infinite tenderness.

“Haru. Haru that is _not true_ . You have me. You have Ren and Ran. My mom and Dad. We love you. You are our family. And you’ve got Sousuke and Nagisa and Rei. I think… I think you’re parents might not be able to love you in the way you want them too. The way you deserve. But we do. And Rin does. Rin _loves_ you. And if you do this you _are_ going to lose him.”

Haru pulled away, eyes bright and hard.  
“I’ve already lost him. He’s gone. He left. Without a word. Makoto, Rin fights for _everything_ but not this... He just... gave up. On me. He’s flying half way across the world to avoid seeing me. And I let him. I....”  His voice lost its strength and lapsed into hopelessness. “He always leaves. I was never...going to get to keep him.”

Makoto watched Haru and made a decision. Enough was enough. He needed to know.

“Haru that’s not true. I wasn’t supposed to tell you this, and I’ve been trying to keep my promise to Rin but… Rin. He wanted to be with you forever. Don’t you see that? He was planning to propose Haru, he had me help him pick out the rings. He was working to pay them off so that when he turned 20 he could….Haru...Haru?”

The little colour remaining had drained completely from Haru’s face, his hands starting to shake. He remembered Rin’s words to him, _Were you ever going to marry me? Didn’t you ever see us together like that?_ His own reaction. The way the light had died in Rin’s eyes. No wonder he hadn’t fought harder…

“Haru, Haru I’m sorry. But I think maybe you needed to know. Because this is serious. Rin loves you, he’s always loved you...but this is bad. I think this is really bad.”

Haru swallowed hard, folding over to rest his head against his arms.

“Haru, say something please.”

“I want to be alone for a while Makoto. Please, I just need to be alone.”

* * *

Reluctantly, Makoto left Haru expecting that he might retreat to bed or to his bath. Planned to call in the next morning to make sure he was ok. But this time Haru didn’t pause and he didn’t falter.

He called Fumiko.  
  
She tried negotiating at first - three years of marriage, two, one even, in return for a quick and easy divorce - but Haru wouldn’t entertain it.

She tried pleading and crying but Haru would still not be swayed. Eventually she dropped the act and took on a voice of tired acceptance - a little disappointed, a little afraid but ultimately promising him she understood.

_“But I hope you’ll forgive me Haruka, because you know I am going to have to pretend to have known nothing of this and to hate you now. Perhaps if I play the role of the heartbroken, jilted fiancé long enough I won’t get stuck with someone new too soon.”_

Haru promised to take full responsibility for the broken engagement, to shoulder all the blame and all the consequences, and vowed that if there was ever any way he could help her in the future, she only ever need call him.

_“Thank you Haruka. You’ll make a wonderful ex-fiancé. I can tell. So go on now and be happy. Be happy with Rin.”_

_Be happy with Rin._ The words echoed through him.

He only hoped it wasn’t too late.

He emailed to request special decompensation from his coaches and course leaders to take a couple of personal days and booked a Shinkansen from Tokyo to Hokkaido to visit his parents. It took two trains, a bus and an overnight stay in a faintly dodgy motel, but he finally arrived at his father’s office and explained politely but firmly to the flustered receptionist that he would not be leaving until he was seen.

He sat upright and still in the waiting room. He’d dressed up in a suit but he wasn’t entirely sure why. He doubted it would help. But he felt calm, he felt sure.

Because in the depths of his heart, Haru had known this was inevitable. The only choice open to him. Because losing Rin, that was unthinkable. So he was always going to find himself here. Everything leading to this place. From the first time Rin had told him he that loved him - the words spoken in English because he’d said he felt less shy that way. From their first kiss - a desperate fumbling thing that neither one dared acknowledge for days after. Perhaps even back to that very first moment, when he had lifted his eyes in elementary homeroom to find a strangely familiar ball of energy with bright red hair standing at the front of the room, chest puffed out and announcing, high pitched and eager that _“My name is Matsuoka Rin, I have a girly name but I am a boy,”_ and Haru hadn’t known, hadn’t understood what it was he felt but could only think _“Oh. How troublesome.”_

He only hoped he wasn’t too late. That his fear, his indecision hadn’t cost him everything. Because as much as it hurt to face the possibility of losing his family, Rin was _everything_.

His mother was actually the first to arrive. Striding past him with barely a glance before heading straight into his father’s office. After a long and tense wait they both rememerged and bid Haru follow them to a discreet restaurant a few blocks from the office building.  

It was a lengthy and explosive lunch. He told them about Rin. About him and Rin. About how they’d found each other, how they’d come together, and how Haru had come to realise he couldn’t be without him. _Wouldn’t_ be without him.

His father's reaction was much as he’d anticipated. A long and caustic lecture laced with threats and delivered with barely suppressed rage. Haru endured it in silence, forcing himself maintain eye contact. He would only repeat the same three words. _I choose Rin._

His mother however surprised him. She had sat silently throughout the entire exchange staring at him, her blue eyes clear and steady. Haru had hoped it might be some silent sign of understanding, not approval exactly, but a tacit recognition that he was still her son. But, when his father signalled the end to the discussion with a disgusted toss of a napkin and his parents stood to leave she leaned over suddenly and slapped Haru across the face. A single blow before she turned and walked away without a word. It was hard enough to cause his vision to momentarily dance with starburst, but it was the shock of it that really hurt.

He was unsurprised to find by the time he had completed the lengthy return journey to Tokyo his bank account was empty and his cards blocked. Despite himself, he succumbed to a brief panic - the overwhelming exhaustion of the past weeks and the finality of the meeting with his parents almost knocking him flat - and he called Makoto, chest tight and struggling to form the words.

Makoto never got angry, but when Haru arrived at his flat and explained the situation with his parents Makoto’s face darkened and he gripped Haru’s shoulder so tightly it hurt. He called Haru’s parents words that Haru hadn’t even realised Makoto knew, and vowed that he wasn’t alone, that he would help in whatever way he could. They ordered takeout pizza and sat huddled on the floor of Makoto’s apartment while making lists of costs: Haru’s rent, his tuition, utilities, travel, food. Very quickly it became apparent that Haru would need to move as soon as possible and Makoto helped him negotiate an early termination of his lease. Despite Haru’s objections, Makoto called Sousuke who, after some initial disbelief, joined them to help look into loans and scholarships that Haru might qualify for.  

By all rights, Haru should have been feeling abandoned. He’d lost his family and there was no guarantee that any of this would help win back Rin, but sat in the warmth of Makoto’s apartment, with Sousuke and Makoto tapping away on laptops, texts from Rei and Nagisa periodically lighting up his phone, he’d never felt less alone and was overcome with gratitude for his friends.  

“So can I address the elephant in the room - have you called him? Does he know?” Sousuke broke the silence, speaking through a mouthful of now-cold pizza.

Haru shook his head. “No. Don’t tell Rin. I can’t. Not yet.”

Sousuke raised his brows looking surprised. “Haru...what? Why can’t you tell him?”

"Haru, you have to tell Rin. Why would you keep something like this from him? He’ll come back, he’ll help, he’ll ...” Makoto echoed looking equally surprised. 

“No!” Haru slammed his palms against the table, face grave causing both Makoto and Sousuke to jump.

“This is exactly what he didn’t want. If he finds out my parents cut me off… that I lost it all he’ll just feel guilty. He already has his mom and Gou to worry about supporting. I won’t be another burden for him to bear. I refuse. I’ll tell him when I have sorted things out enough so I can stand on my own. So he can choose. He shouldn’t have to suffer because of my family, my choices.” 

Makoto blinked incredulous. “Haru... you can’t possibly think he would see it like that?”  
  
“I don’t care how he would see it.” Haru snapped, feeling a little guilty. He knew he was being unfairly short, but he was exhausted and had had a very long train journey to consider the matter. He felt firm in what he had to do. “I know him. He’ll take it on as his responsibility to fix. I won’t do that to him. This is my mess. I need to sort it out.”

“Haru… Tell him Sou. Tell him this is madness. Rin should know… Sou…?”

Sousuke was being suspiciously silent as Makoto turned to fix him with a weighted stare.

“Look I don’t like it, but Haru may actually have a point.” Sousuke finally mumbled, looking at the floor guiltily. “Not about being a burden!” He hastened to add when Makoto opened his mouth to protest. “But, well it sounds like some serious strings were pulled to get Rin a place out there on such short notice. If he turns around and runs back home now - which we all know he would - its not going to look so great to your coaches or the JSF. I-I hate the idea of keeping him in the dark about this. But yeah… maybe for the short terms it’s what’s best all round.”

“See.” Haru echoed petulantly, flopping back to lie against the tatami matting. “I need to sort this mess out first. I owe him that much. Then maybe I can tell him and he won't do something stupid. I...I just need a few days.”

Makoto looked between Haru and Sousuke, unconvinced.

“Fine.” he eventually huffed out. “But if Rin asks me anything about this - about the engagement - I’m not lying to him.”

* * *

A few days. Haru had been being incredibly naive. There was just so much to sort out.

The panic came and went in waves. He was penniless in one of the world most expensive cities, facing student debt and homelessness unless he could work out a way to support himself. But he couldn’t bring himself to regret his decision.   
  
And so the next week past by in a blur, when Haru wasn’t training he was packing up his belongings, combing his meagre possessions for anything he might be able to sell and storing the rest in Makoto’s apartment. He pondered over the watch his father had given him for a long time before finally packing it away. Selling it felt too much like still relying on his parents, and if they were going to cut him off, Haru was determined he would succeed on his own merit or he wouldn't succeed at all.

Makoto had also offered him money, offered to let Haru stay with him for as long as he needed, but while Haru was deeply touched and grateful he turned it all down, determined that he needed to prove he could stand on his own two feet and refused point blank to risk getting Makoto in trouble with his landlord because of the actions of his parents.

He borrowed a bike from a friend of Sousuke’s and taught himself to navigate the Tokyo traffic rather than pay for public transport. He immediately cut his daily supply of mackerel and taught himself to make bulky soups from market vegetables going cheap at the end of each day.  

He sat nervously at university student services, Makoto by his side, as he fumbled with a pack of documents and worked to apply for allocation in basic student housing and negotiate a payment plan for his final years tuition.  

Afterwards, Makoto treated him to a cold coffee and fixed him with a heavy gaze.  
  
“Rin should be here. You know he would be. In an instant. I get what Sousuke is saying about messing around the JSF but… you have to know it’s going to break his heart knowing you did all this alone.”

Haru fiddled with his drink and sighed. “I already did that, remember? and I’m not alone. I have you.”  
  
“Of course you do. I’m here no matter what. But ...don’t you think you’re being a little stubborn about this? I know you mean well but...”  
  
Haru shook his head insistently. “Makoto please. I’ve put him through enough. This isn’t his mess. I just... you have to know what an opportunity like this must mean to him. He deserves the chance to finish the camp. To compete at the cup without all this getting in the way. Besides… he said he needed space from me. He’s made that very clear. Maybe when he comes back he’ll be ready to listen… might forgive me.”

Haru’s face clouded as the thought struck him. _What if it’s not enough? What if Rin still can’t come back to him?_

Makoto hummed noncommittally, but he didn’t look convinced.

“I just can’t help thinking of him out there, all alone. What he must be thinking.”

* * *

Rin arrived at the Northern Arizona University halls late, two flights, a coach ride and a bus later, barely still on his feet with fatigue. He was checked in and shown his room by a member of staff wearing the swim team coaching colours and a pair of the most ridiculously fluro trainers Rin had ever seen. But it all passed in a blur, Rin too heavy with tiredness to register much other than where his bed was. He immediately collapsed into it gratefully and prayed for dreamless sleep.

But of course he dreamed of Haru. 

* * *

  
_Haru is draped against Rin’s chest. Neither of them have spoken for a long time but they don’t sleep either, Haru’s index finger gently tracing patterns only he see’s over Rin’s skin._  
  
_The steady march of minutes toward morning weighs heavy against them. But they’ve discussed this so many times, there are no more words._  
  
_Rin has to leave. Haru has to stay. It’s the way it is right now. The way it might have to be for the next few years until the path of their dreams converges again._  
  
_So they don’t talk. They just hold each other, sweat cooling on their skin, the fire of desire tempered for now leaving in its wake a deep, overwhelming love that neither are brave enough just yet to call into words._  
  
_Eventually the sunlight starts to bleed in through the half pulled blinds and reluctantly Rin begins to stir. Haru stills him with a press of his palm, gentle but insistent._  
_  
“I’m going to wait for you Rin.”_

 _Rin opens his mouth to protest but Haru cuts him off. “I know what you said. And I listened.”_  
  
_And it’s true. Haru has listened. Face inscrutable and eyes sharp as Rin has told him more than once how he’s afraid of becoming a weight around Haru’s neck, holding him back and down. How three years is a long time and he couldn’t bare it if they came to resent each other._  
  
_And Haru concedes that he may have a small point. They’re both young and new to this. He doesn’t want Rin to have the pressure of maintaining their relationship over such a distance hanging over him. Will force himself to learn to live with it if Rin comes to find he wants something other than this._  
  
_But none of that changes his mind._  
  
_“I listened. But I’m still going to. It’s my decision and I choose you. I’ll wait as long as it takes until you come back. Until you can come back to me.”_  
  
_Rin tries to respond, but Haru reaches up and steals the protests from his lips with hard kisses. Rin knows he will taste his tears._  
  
_He’s never asked this of Haru. Never could bring himself to. And yet here Haru is, lying in his arms telling him against all the odds he wants to choose Rin. To choose them._  
_  
So he kisses back with everything he has and dares himself to hope._ Please let this be it. Please let this be forever.

* * *

Rin woke with a start, and for a few panicked gasps he didn’t understand where he was. The small square room with grey drapes and a second single bed pushed across from the one he was currently occupying unfamiliar and strange. 

But then memory returned to him. Arizona. Flagstaff. Almost six thousand miles away from home. From Haru. He felt the weight of all those miles he had travelled settle over him, the reality of this strange new place where he didn’t know anyone and nobody knew him, what he had lost.

And for the first time since dinner with Haru’s parents, he felt like he might be able to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my head this fic is roughly split into three sections and this represents the end of section 1 (e.g. the more-miserable-than-I-maybe-intended section) - so yay :) 
> 
> Also sincere thanks for the kind comments so far. I dislike how insecure I get about my writing (and by extension this fic - I really love Free! and RinHaru and I just can’t do that justice) but it is a bit of A THING for me and so I honestly can’t say how much it gives me a boost. Thank you <3 
> 
> *Side note: This fic originally did not contain any melodramatic dash to an airport, but I’ve been spending a lot of time travelling and in airports recently and so one just...appeared. I hope it’s not too too corny. 
> 
> **Additional side note/ fun fact (or just a fact): The idea for Rin confessing his love first in English came from a postcard sent from Clementine Churchill to Winston Churchill in which she tells him in french how passionately she adores him and then says she has done it it french because she felt less shy that way. When I learned about it I found it so charming and thought it was such a thing Rin would do, so I totally stole it.
> 
> Thank you for reading :) 
> 
>  
> 
>  **Next chapter**  
>  Haru looks for a job. Rin attempts to settle in Flagstaff.


	9. NINE

Rin hauled himself out of the narrow bed despite every fibre of his being seeming to protest. He could feel each one of the 16 hours time difference, early morning sunlight streaming through the windows of his small but functional dorm room even though his body clock was convinced that it was actually time to be getting into bed rather than out of it.

He’d slept in strange fits and starts, often falling into that strange liminal space between dreaming and waking and not really knowing where he was, what was dreams, what was memory and what was just nightmares. He felt done in, but he knew the quicker he got his body adjusted the better it would be, so he ignored the yawning fit that hit and forced himself to meet the day.

He looked around his small room, hands on hips. It looked to be a fairly typical western style dorm room - there were two standard single beds pushed against opposite walls, two desks placed side by side under the wide window and a set of closets off to the side. Nothing fancy, but Rin didn’t care. It was functional and, most importantly after having dropped a significant chunk of his savings on the flights, he wasn’t having to pay for it. It would more than do.

The walls bore the evidence of numerous posters and pictures that had been tacked up by the previous occupants. He ran his hand over the rivets and bumps closest to the bed he had opted to claim as his own and wondered absently about who it might have belonged to before. The life they had had here. He wondered about their friends, their interests. If perhaps they’d had pictures of a girlfriend or boyfriend tacked to that same wall. He thought of the picture of Haru he’d kept next to his bed in Sydney and shook himself sharply. That train of thought led nowhere good. He was here to move past it. He had to.

So he set about unpacking his belongings. Stowing everything neatly to one side of the room just incase it turned out he was going to be expected to share.

He then changed quickly into running kit, pulling on his favorite and most comfortable set of shorts and a soft technical tee. He dug out a pair of shades and a cap too - he knew enough about Arizona to expect it to be hot, even at that time in the morning - and ventured from the room to have a look around the rests of the halls.

He hadn’t registered very much at all when he’d arrived the night before, but he found himself in a narrow corridor with other numbered doors like his own leading off at intervals. Following the passage down, it led to a large common area furnished with a pool table, a set of sofas and a vending machine. Just off from that there was a decent sized communal kitchen and a set of mens and ladies showers and bathrooms.

He didn’t bump into anyone else and generally the place looked to be pretty deserted which wasn’t too surprising considering the US summer break would be well underway. He scanned one of the large fridges in the kitchen finding only a few items in there and made a mental note to find out where he could buy food. He thought he had read something about there being an onsite canteen at the aquatic centre, but he didn’t want to have to rely on that if he could avoid it.

But first, running.

Rin had started his mornings with an early jog for as long as he could remember. On training days it was usually just a gentle warm up to take him to the training centre but on mornings off he liked to go a little longer and a little harder.

It always helped wake him up and clear his head and if there were two things he needed right now, it was that.

He stepped outside and immediately felt the heat bear down on him. It was barely 7am and yet already in the low 90s. He completed a few gentle stretches and mobility exercises, willing his muscles to stop protesting about all the hours coiled up in cheap seats, and started off at a jog, picking his direction at random.

It had been dark when he’d arrived, obscuring his new surroundings in the glow of street lights and the glare of his phone screen, but looking around now Rin’s main impression was that everything was much bigger than in Tokyo and much much flatter. Between the low buildings he could see for miles, none of the high rises he was used to blocking the view, and everything seemed to blend into the same reddish brown - from the brick of his building to the rockaries that made up most of the landscaping. The only real sign of life he could see was a neat lush green quad just in front of his accomodation - the grass freshly wet from the morning sprinklers - but even then on the whole Rin’s impression was that the place looked like it was scorched.

 _And I’m going to scorch too._ He thought grimly, feeling his skin starting to prinkle with warmth. Even with his shades on the sun was brilliantly bright, and he could see the heat already rippling off the tarmac. _How bad is it gonna be at midday._ He wondered, and made a further mental note to stock up on sunscreen. A lot of sunscreen.

But he quickly became distracted from the scenery. He’d set off at an easy pace like usual, tending to use the first mile or so as an extended warm up. By the time that was done he usually felt good and ready to push on harder, but this morning, warm up complete, something felt off. Even with the easy pace his heart rate had spiked, a sweat breaking out as his breathing became laboured far quicker than it should have. The hot, dry air seemed to have sapped all the moisture from his body and he started to feel a little weak and shaky, wondering if perhaps it had been a mistake setting out without finding food first.

He tried to force himself to push on and hit his normal pace splits, but at two miles in it seemed his body made the decision for him and he was forced to stop, bent over and gasping as little spots danced before his eyes. He felt a flash of panic thrum through him. What was wrong? Was he getting sick? Another attack? But he searched himself and aside from the heavy breathing, the too-fast heartbeat he thought he was ok.

“Rin, hey Rin!”

Rin looked up surprised. Although he’d been given a few names and contact details by Coach Yamamoto he hadn’t actually spoken with any of the other swimmers based here yet. He hadn't spoken to anyone actually.

He turned to find a young man with blonde curly hair also in running kit waving at him and jogging over. Rin blinked trying desperately to place him, and then he noticed the ridiculous shoes the man was wearing - stripes of yellow, green and pink fluoro. Truly hideous. But they sparked a hint of recognition - the staff member from check in the night before.

The man pulled up to a stop beside Rin and pointed at himself smiling widely.

“Elijah, remember? But everyone calls me Eli so you can too. You doing ok there Rin?”

Rin pulled up to standing and tried to get his breathing under control, a little thrown by the familiarity. His memories were pretty blurred by sleep, but now he thought about it the man - Elijah - did look familiar.

“Of course. I apologise. The travel was...taxing.”

The english felt strange and a little too formal in his mouth. _I’m out of practice._ He thought feeling a faint blush colour his cheeks.

Elijah just smiled wider.

“Hey that's ok. You _were_ pretty out of it last night. You kept speaking to me in Japanese so I assumed maybe you didn’t understand everything I was saying. My Japanese is passable at best. I’m sorry if it turns out I said anything insulting. Anyway it’s brave of you to go running right away. You know you shouldn't push too hard for the first couple of days.”

“Huh?” Rin blinked, taking in the rapid chattery english delivered with a soft american drawl.  

Elijah - Eli - spoke with that same easy breezy confidence that seemed to Rin to be inherent in all american college kids. Infact, with his rosy cheeks, perfect teeth and wide brown eyes Rin almost wanted to dislike him on principle - entirely too perfect a picture of the all-american boy next door - and yet, there was something disarming in his smile. Open and friendly. Like he really did just want to help. So Rin forced himself to stop grimacing and try to look at least halfway approachable.

“That’s ok. I’m impressed you speak any Japanese at all. Most people don’t.”

That seemed to be the right thing to say, as Eli puffed his chest out a little, clearly pleased.

“Yeah I started learning because we get so many exchange students and athletes out here. Helps, you know? Anyway are you sure you’re feeling ok? Didn’t anyone warn you about the altitude? We’re almost at 7000 feet here. You’re going to feel crappy for a few days - headaches, nausea. That kind of stuff is pretty common. Oh and be prepared for your times to suck too. But it will all be worth it after a few weeks.”

Rin shook his head weakly to the barrage of questions and information.

“My coach and I didn’t really get chance talk about it… It was a late decision to come out here. I only got confirmation the day before I flew. I mean, I knew it was high up but I didn’t really think about it.”

Eli nodded, curiosity seemingly unpeaked by the news that Rin had essentially flown out with less than 24 hours notice.

“Just take it easy. And anyway, just incase my Japanese really is that bad let me reintroduce myself. I’m one of the summer interns at the aquatic centre. I’m supporting the team that run the swim programme. Going into my 3rd year sports science. I want to coach here someday.” His brow furrowed as he continued. “Not that I get to do much of that yet. You future Olympians are too important to put in the hands of a rookie. So far I’ve mostly been doing odd jobs, filing data and observing. But it’s good experience for me. So anyway, you need anything to help you settle just ask.”

Rin fought the instinct to give the usual polite bow and instead took the proffered hand and shook it, Eli’s grip firm and warm.

“Rin. Matsuoka. Going into my second year at Tokyo University. I’m hoping to qualify to swim in the 2020 games so my coaches agreed to let me come here for a couple of weeks ahead of a big college meet we have coming up back home. It’s kind of an unofficial primer for national team trials, so it’s important I do well there.”

Eli looked impressed.

“I think you maybe told me some of that last night. But hey, your english is actually incredible. Have you always lived in Japan?”

Rin shook his head. “No - I went to school for a couple of years in Sydney, then I took a year out before starting university to train with a team there again. My english was terrible to start with but nobody speaks much Japanese so it forced me to learn quickly. I’m told my use of slang can still be a bit strange though…” he finished frowning.

Eli just laughed at that.

“Dude, no worries! I will teach you all new American slang! And maybe you can help me fix up my Japenese? I like it a lot but your alphabets don't make it easy y’know. Anyway welcome.”

Rin nodded his thanks, and Eli looked him up and down again a little thoughtfully.

“Hey, since you’re up and out already how about I join you and show you around a bit. We should go slow through - the air is going to feel a bit thin until you’re body adjusts.”

Rin nodded. Privately he would have preferred the peace and quiet, but after apparently already having had a conversation he didn’t much remember he didn’t want to appear any ruder than he probably already did.

So they set off jogging slowly, much slower than Rin would have liked despite his protesting lungs and Eli kept up a steady stream of information, pointing out key features of the campus. It seemed Eli enjoyed talking rather a lot and was rather good at it, so Rin was uncharacteristically content to stay quiet, just listening and grunting occasionally to indicate he had heard or understood. 

  
“Your hall is called Cowden. I’m afraid it’s kind of empty right now. But you’ll notice a few summer school students, conference delegates sometimes and kids who have opted to stay on and work. Most of the other swimmers are either based in private accomodation or in my hall.” He pointed to a low brick building across the quad. “That’s Wilson. I’m room 208 if you need to find me.”

They continued on for just a half a mile more before stopping in front of a building that Rin had seen numerous times before in photos and videos.

“And this is it. The world famous Wall Aquatic Centre. Training ground of champions, the forge in which the fires of hundreds of olympic dreams have burned, the ….”

Rin looked up, zoning out a little from Eli’s enthusiastic monologuing about the centre. He’d read about the Japanese and Brazilian Olympic teams training here in the run up to London and Rio. Watched interviews with the coaches, the national team members. It was strange and amazing and a little overwhelming to be stood in front of it in person.

But he also felt a deep tug of sadness. It had been one of his goals, his dreams to get to come here too to train or to compete. Yet in the fantasy he’d constructed in his head he had never been alone. Haru had always been at his side. The two of them exploring new places, pushing for new records together.

“Rin are you ok?” Eli’s voice snapped him back and Rin blinked away the pressure behind his eyes quickly, forcing himself to focus back on the building in front of him.

“You kind of spaced out there. Most people are psyched when they arrive. I just thought...”

“I am. It's incredible.” Rin rushed to agree. “It’s just… well I always thought if I ever made it here I wouldn’t have had to come alone.”

“Ah...you’re missing someone?”

Rin decided just to be honest.

“My boyfriend and I just broke up. He’s a swimmer too. We -uh. We share a team. It’s been...challenging.”

Eli looked at him for a long moment, but Rin couldn’t see any judgement or discomfort there… if anything he saw sympathy, understanding.

“I’m really sorry to hear that, Rin. What happened?... That is if you don’t mind my asking? My roommate always says I’m too nosy for my own good.”

Rin sighed and stared at his feet.

“His parents want him to get married. To a woman.” It felt more real each time he spoke the words out loud. But the pain was still as fresh and blinding.

Eli frowned. “And what, he’s going along with it?”

Rin shrugged, trying to look faintly composed. “Pretty much. I mean they would cut him off if he didn’t… they’re...traditional. I-I understand why he needs…why I can’t offer...” despite his best efforts he still faltered, feeling his voice began to waver.

He was surprised to find Eli reaching out, offering a hand on his shoulder. When Rin looked up he was met by large brown eyes, soft and full of compassion.

“That’s really rough Rin. I’m sorry you had to go through that. If you, you know, ever need to talk about it while you’re out here. I’m a good listener. And I wont judge...if you know what I mean.”

Rin swallowed heavily around the lump that had formed in his throat and nodded towards the building, swiftly changing the topic.

“Do I get to see inside now?”

Elijah’s face smoothed and he smiled widely. “Hell yeah. Let’s go see where all the magic happens.”

* * *

The facility may not have been a whole lot to look at from the outside - continuing the theme of scorched red brick and concrete - but inside Rin couldn’t help but be blown away. The walls of the reception area were decorated with framed photos of successful swim teams and swimmers who had trained there, Rin unable to help but picture his own photograph joining them up there one day.  Heading out to the stands, Rin was met with a state of the art 8 lane 50 meter pool, a warm up pool and a dive pool with boards at various heights. There was also an onsite gym and therapy rooms, and even an underwater filming and viewing area to support the coaches stroke analysis.

Eli quietly pointed out some of the key swimmers currently training at the centre - teams from Brazil, the US, Norway, a couple of swimmers who had been on the 2016 Japanese team and even a few swimmers who had flown in from Australia. “Anyone you know?” He asked. Rin squinted but shook his head. Aside from one or two of the Japanese swimmers who he had of course heard of but had yet to meet, there was nobody he knew.

Rin was then briefly introduced to the coaching team and invited to observe the next training session. His own training wouldn't start until the next day to give him half a shot at acclimatising and one of the Japanese coachies, Moriyasu - a stern muscular man who Rin had seen interviewed before but was a thousand times more intimidating in person - gave him a rapid fire lecture about how to manage his body through the adjustment to the much higher altitude (the main takeaway seemed to be to be drink water, _water water water_ , and be prepared to grin and bear it at first).

Eli then came and found him again and took him through to the back offices to receive copies of his campus credentials, training schedule and a swipe card that could be topped up and used in the various on campus restaurants and shops.

Remembering his deal with Coach Yamamoto, Rin then asked a little sheepishly where he might find the student support serves. Eli didn’t bat an eyelid though and drew him a quick map offering to walk him down anytime he needed. Rin stowed it away quickly and tried to change the topic.

By afternoon though, Eli’s warning had come to fruition and he had a pounding headache and gratefully took the opportunity of a break in his schedule to go and lie down.

His head buzzed with all the new information. The new names, new faces, new street names and routes he’d need to become familiar with, training schedules, currency conversion rates and time differences.

But mostly he thought about swimming. He thought about the pool. He thought about Haru.

_You should be here with me._

* * *

Back in Tokyo Haru set about looking for a part time job. He knew technically he wasn’t supposed to work - one of the conditions of his student athlete contract and his national team funding - but Sousuke had helped him look into the fine print and found he was able to request for special permissions over the summer months. He tried not to think too hard about what he would do after that.

And that was assuming he was even able to successfully find a job at all. He quickly realised he was unqualified for almost everything. He abandoned his shaky attempt at writing out a CV - even with Makoto’s help there was little to be done to dress up that he only had a few mediocre high school grades and his swimming to list to his name. He didn’t think the fact he was half decent at drawing or could beat most people in a pool would help him much in the world of minimum wage work.

He enquired awkwardly in all of the local coffee shops and stores but was generally met with either non committal requests for his contact details or straight up declines. He tried not to be too disheartened - he didn’t think he had the natural charm or perkiness required to be a server or shop assistant anyway - but he was rapidly feeling more and more desperate.

Most of the positions he found advertised in the university paper or tacked up on campus notice boards wouldn’t work around his swimming commitments. There were plenty of opportunities for tutoring but as an art major there wasn’t much Haru felt qualified to teach. He couldn’t even explain the process behind his drawings. Much like how he had started with swimming he just… did what felt natural. Nagisa jokingly (he hoped) sent him a link to an article and suggested he should look into being a host in the infamous red light district _(Look! Rich ladies will love the strong silent type Haru!)_. Makoto vetoed the idea, scandalised.

But Haru knew if he was going to have any hope of staying in the city - of proving to Rin that their relationship didn’t have to come at a cost - he had to find paid work. He’d already pared back his outgoings to the bone, moving into the cheapest student accomodation that the university could offer (despite the stricken looks from Makoto as he helped Haru move his few boxes of things into the bleak looking high rise) and had taken to walking or biking everywhere to save money on transport. He barely ate any fish or fresh fruit anymore, sticking almost exclusively to cheap cups of ramen noodles, rice and vegetables. And yet still, everything was too expensive.

He hadn’t realised how much he had taken for granted the security his parents wealth had afforded him, but he was rapidly learning. Sure, he had perhaps been badly off in some ways, but he had never wanted for anything materially and while he hadn’t inherited his father’s expensive tastes it was true that he had become accustomed to simply paying for the things he needed. To the security of having a full bank account at his fingertips. Of never having to worry about food or rent or bills. Now though, his shiny new personal bank account contained only the smallest amount left from a student loan he had been forced to take out in order to cover the deposit and first month's rent on his new shared room. Not only was the thought of having to pay it off looming over him, but he knew if he didn’t find a way to top it up soon the little remaining would trickle away to nothing like water through his fingers.

He felt the worry now as a constant tension, wound tight like a violin string about to snap. Because _what if he couldn’t do it?_ _What if he failed?_ Or, much worse, _what if he did everything, everything he possibly could, and it still wasn’t enough to fix things with Rin?_

 _Rin would have found a job no trouble._ He thought wistfully, thinking of Rin’s dangerously charming smile. His quick intelligence. The way he would patiently sit and help Haru with his english homework, explaining concepts as many times as needed in soft and reassuring tones, never ever making Haru feel like he was stupid or slow for not understanding first time. He had always been so much better with people than Haru…

 

It was during one afternoon of walking around aimlessly after training - muscles sore and feet sorer - not having much luck but unwilling to give in and head to Makoto’s for dinner empty handed again - that Haru saw it.

A small fairly nondescript restaurant with a card in the window. _“Kitchen help wanted. Enquire within.”_

Haru looked up at the sign, a slightly faded rendering of a mermaid, crumbling gold lettering proclaiming the restaurant as _The Mermaid's tale._ It looked to be a seafood restaurant. Haru allowed a slight bubble of hope to form.

 _I can cook._ Now that _was_ something he was good at, having had to fend for himself in the kitchen from a young age. _And I can cook fish._

He smoothed his hair and squared his shoulders before reaching for the door. The sign stated it wouldn’t open for a couple more hours, but it gave way easily under his palm and so he pressed on and entered.

His arrival was signalled by the pleasant tinkle of a brass bell fixed above the door. The room was relatively small for a restaurant, dimly lit and decorated in nautical stylings - authentic fishing nets, rods and tackle pinned to the walls, and drawings of fish and anchors and mermaids decorating the cracked plastering. The whole place had a faint air of disrepair about it, but the overall effect was homely rather than than tacky. Haru trailed his hand over the surface of one of the solid wood tables, warming to the place already.

“We’re closed. Come back at 7.” called a gruff voice from somewhere behind the large driftwood bar situated in the back right hand corner of the room.

Haru cleared his throat and did his best to sound more confident than he felt.

“I’ve come to ask about the job.”

“Job? What job?” A head of bushy white hair popped up from behind the bar. Haru blinked at the man in front of him.

“Kitchen help.” he pointed behind him. “You have a sign in your window. I-I would like to be considered.”

The man straighten up fully and stepped from behind the bar. He was short and rather rounded, a solid looking stomach straining from behind the cotton shirt he was wearing. His face was thick with lines, his cheeks and nose a little marked and reddened. He wore a thick set of round wire framed spectacles which served to slightly magnify the grey eyes behind. Grey eyes that flicked up and down regarding Haru.  

“Ah that job. Of course. Forgot I put that up there. What's your name son?”

“Nanase Haruka. I’m a student at Tokyo University.”

“Well, pass me your CV then Mr Nanase and let’s take a look. I’m Nakata and this is my restaurant.”  
Mr Nakata wiped a hand on his apron and held it out expectantly. Haru felt himself flush.  
“I don’t... I’ve never had a job before.”  
The hand lowered. “Oh. Then I’m sorry son. I’m looking for someone with experience.”

_Another dismissal._

_“I can cook!_ ” Haru blurted out in desperation. “I can cook fish. Well. And I’ll work hard. Please.” He averted his gaze feeling defeated. “I need to find a place to work.”

The man’s eyes softened just a touch, his glasses flashing as he tilted his head and took in the man before him.  
“Ok. Show me.”  
“Sir?” Haru’s head snapped up in surprise.  
“I said show me. I was so busy I forgot all about having lunch. So let’s see what you can do.”

He led Haru into the kitchen, a semi open space visible from the restaurant floor containing the largest work surfaces Haru had ever seen and a set of ferocious looking burners and fryers as well as an industrial size fridge with matching freezer.

Haru didn’t think his hands had ever shaken so much filleting fish before. But he moved quickly and precisely and proceeded to set to work seasoning and quick frying the fish. After being granted permission, he selected a few lush looking vegetables from the kitchen store to sauté on the side and served the whole thing in a way he hoped looked appetizing. As a final desperate touch, he grabbed a sharp knife and quickly carved a small radish into the shape of a rose, each petal thin enough to be translucent, and placed it on the side of the dish. It was a simple enough trick, but one that had never failed to delight Rin.  
  
Mr Nakata ate in silence. Haru stood fiddling with his apron while he watched. Once he was done, Nakata picked up the radish rose and twirled it in his fingers.  
“You’re sure you haven’t worked in a kitchen before? I don’t want any funny business.”  
“No. Never.”  
“Then your parents must have been good cooks, huh?”  
“No.” Haru answered sharper than he intended. “I mean, I don’t know. I taught myself. Sir.”  
“What did you say your name was again?”  
“Nanase. Haruka Nanase.”  
“Right then Haruka. Can you come in for a trial shift tonight? I warn you the pace is fast and it’s not the most interesting work. You’ll be doing a lot of prepping. And you’ll be expected to help with washing up, taking bins out and generally keeping the place ship shape. But I’m willing to give you a chance if you still want the job.”  
Haru felt weak with relief.  
“Yes. I want the job. Very much. Thank you. I promise I’ll learn quickly and work hard.”

* * *

Haru set about his trial shift with an intensity that seemed at first to unnerve the rest of the kitchen crew. He didn’t allow himself to stand idle for a moment and rarely needed to be directed to a task. He washed glasses until they sparkled, swept the floor of peelings, helped prep crate after crate of vegetables and wiped down the surfaces until they were spotless. As the service ended, most of the staff took a break to smoke or eat their staff meals, but Haru stayed and scrubbed the prep area until it gleamed.

“What’s with the new kitchen boy? He trying to make us look bad?”  
Yumi, one of the restaurant's waitresses prodded Mr Nakata in the side, pursing her lips in a mock pout.  
  
Mr Nakata sighed. “I honestly don’t know. He came in earlier today. No experience but look in his eyes like the world was ending. I just couldn’t turn him away.”  
  
“You’re getting soft old man.”    
“Don’t I know it. Just ... keep an eye on him. Something tells me he’s in some kind of trouble. Needs someone to give him a break.”  
  
Yumi tilted her head watching as Haru ran the back of his hand over his forehead to push his hair from his eyes.

“He sure is pretty. It’s a shame he doesn’t talk much. We’d get all the female students in if he was serving.”

“You really think so?” Mr Nakata looked over at Haru thoughtfully, then turned back to Yumi. “He stays in the kitchen for now. Anyway, how would your Tamura like hearing you talk like that?”

“I’m married not blind.” Yumi laughed, eyes sparkling. “Besides, no harm in looking. Especially not if I’m going to be keeping an eye on him for you.” She wiggled her eyebrow and sauntered off.

Mr Nakata sighed and headed into the kitchen to dismiss Haru. He pressed a small envelope of bills into his hand and informed him he could start on four shifts a week.

Haru bowed low and thankful, feeling a small swell of pride at his first earned pay. Mr Nakata slapped him on the back warmly. _Just don’t make me regret this kid_. He thought.

* * *

 

Rin stepped out needing some air. He leaned against the wall of the student union, bringing his hands up to massage his temples.

It was the end of his first week of proper training and Eli had invited him to join him and a few of the Brazilian, Norwegian and American swimmers currently based on campus for drinks - a way to say welcome.

“It will be a dry bar.” Eli had laughed, seeing Rin’s surprise, “Half the guys here aren't even 21 yet, and those that are… well there's not exactly a big drinking scene among the athletes. The coaches on the other hand...”

Drinking scene or no, Rin was exhausted and his head was starting to pound

The days had passed in a blur of headaches and nausea and training sessions so tough that it was all he could do to drag his protesting limbs the half mile to the aquatic centre and back.

The sickness and the fatigue had fixed one problem though - for the first time since breaking up with Haru Rin had slept heavily and soundly each night. His brain and body too exhausted to fight sleep anymore or to torment him with dreams.

But it didn’t mean he didn’t think of him. Thoughts of Haru seemed to follow him around like a ghost. Every waking moment, every stroke he swam, every new thing he saw or experienced, he wondered about what Haru would think, what he was doing now. Who he might be doing it with...

He had been in touch with Sousuke a lot, Eli helping him to set up a US sim for his phone so they could call or at least text most days, but Rin never asked about Haru and so Sousuke never brought him up. He’d also made sure to keep in touch his mom and Gou, sending them pictures and updates on his routine around campus, even giving his mom a little skype tour of his halls and the university quad they backed onto. She was proud of him, gushing her praises, but he could see the worry still in her eyes and hated himself for it.

Contact with Makoto on the other hand seemed a little strained. Rin did feel bad for having left with no warning and no goodbye and so he’d written Makoto a long email trying to explain. He’d ultimately decided to leave Haru - the engagement announcement, the reappearance of his panic attacks - out of it completely, stating only that it was a good opportunity and that he needed some time away from the city. Makoto’s response was prompt but seemed a little tense - lacking his usual ease and warmth - and a slight vagueness in the wording made Rin wonder if there was something he wasn’t saying.

He tried to push it from his mind though. It was probably just Makoto worrying about mentioning Haru - something that was likely pretty hard to avoid considering how close the two were. He knew Makoto would be looking after Haru, that worrying was pointless when this was only the first in many weeks - a whole lifetime really - that they would be apart. But he couldn’t help himself. Haru’s bright blue eyes, the look of panic in his face when Rin had handed him the engagement announcement. It haunted him.

He took a couple more deep breaths and considered if it would be rude of him to be the first to head home.

It wasn’t that it hadn’t been a pleasant evening - getting to know the other athletes based at NAU had been interesting and helped Rin feel less like the new outsider - but the bar had been loud and the conversation moving so quickly he’d found it uncharacteristically difficult to join in.

He wondered not for the first time why he was yet again half a world away from all the people that cared about him. That he cared about most of all.

“Yo, Rin, you doing ok?”  
He looked up, thoughts interrupted, to find Eli had followed him out, gentle concern across his features.  
Rin let his hands drop back to his side and flashed a quick smile.  
“Yeah I’m good. Just a little headache. It’s been a while since I’ve been in big groups speaking english. I forgot how much more difficult it is to follow than speaking one on one. I’m rusty.”

“Shit, of course! I didn’t think. You were doing great though. Seriously impressive dude.”  
Rin only nodded at the compliment and Eli joined him in leaning against the wall.

“So you settling in ok? How’s the sickness?”

“Getting there.” Rin attempted another smile. “I didn’t expect it to have such an effect. Half the time it feels like I’m swimming through mud.”

Eli laughed. “Yeah well just wait til you get back home. You’ll be flying. Altitude doping and all that.”

Rin eyes widened and Eli just laughed harder. “Relax it’s just a saying. We really don’t go in for that stuff here. Besides, from what I hear from the coaches you’re not going to need any sneaky fixes to help you out.”

“Really?” Rin was curious. He felt like he’d been swimming his absolute worst all week and had been worrying about the impression he was making.

“Truly. The times you’re posting even with jet lag and altitude sickness. Just wait for it to settle. Even Nobaru has his eyes on you.”

Noboru Wataya, one of the Japanese national team's most decorated swimmers and based in flagstaff almost all year round. Rin had seen him a few times at the training centre but they’d yet to be formally introduced, Wataya seemingly preferring things to stay strictly business and to keep to himself and his private coaching squad. While Rin’s programme was technically under the control of the Japanese coaching staff too, for the most part he trained in mixed sessions with a variety of athletes from all over and found himself too starstruck to be the one to initiate contact.

“Noboru actually knows who I am?”

“Yeah, think you can take him in the 100 free?”

Rin tried to muster a pulse of challenge, of confidence, anything to respond to the idea of a race. Instead he just found himself picturing Haru, how beautiful his swimming was. _Maybe not me, not right now, but I know someone who could._

He swiped a hand over his brow and hoped his face wasn’t showing the wave of emotion that had hit.

“Gonna need some sleep to have any chance of that. Mind if I cut out? I’m… I’m grateful for the invite, I’m just not feeling much up to crowds right now.”

Eli’s eyes flashed with concern.

“Sure Rin, of course. Want me to walk you back?”

Rin shook his head. “Nah, I’ll be fine. I know the way now.” He pushed off the wall and turned to leave, gesturing a wave over his shoulder. “Enjoy the rest of the night. See you later.”

“Wait, Rin!” Eli called after him. “You know if you ever need to talk… my offer still stands right?”

Rin nodded ducking his head. “Thank you...but I’m fine. There’s really nothing to talk about. Night Elijah.”

Eli watched after him, lips pressed tight and expression thoughtful as Rin vanished into the shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to a rather gross airport delay I had a bit more time to write this week so I’m updating this early. Next chapter should hopefully be up at the weekend as normal :) 
> 
> *Just to note, as in this chapter the timelines for Haru and Rin’s sides of the story won’t always exactly match up over the next few chapters (sometimes they do, but sometimes the bit in Tokyo might jump to be a few weeks ahead or vise versa). I hope it’s not too confusing. A symptom of my bad planning I’m afraid. 
> 
> **I know less than nothing about NAU and the swimming facilities. I must also admit I didn't research that much when I guess I could have. My sincere apologies should anyone who has actually been there read my butchered descriptions. Trust me I was so tempted to send Rin to London just because I could actually write it semi-accurately, but it seemed even more of a stretch than the US. In hindsight maybe I should have just sent him to London :S. Also, having just come back from somewhere at altitude I can confirm it's really no joke. I tried to go running and barely lasted 10 sweaty gasping minutes before giving up and going for a pastry instead. Fail. 
> 
> **Next chapter ******  
> Haru continues to deal with the consequences of his choice. Rin forms a bond.


	10. TEN

Haru was surprised by how quickly his new routine became normal to him.

Swim-work-swim-work. He’d quickly gained Nakata’s trust and that of the chefs and so upped his shifts until he was at the restaurant almost every day. He suspected that Nakata felt sorry for him and was perhaps offering more work than was really needed, but Haru was desperate for the money and so he applied himself determinedly to being as useful as possible, quickly moving from prep-only to supporting with delivering starters, sides and even the odd main dish.

The staff for their part seamlessly absorbed him as one of their own, not seeming to mind that he was quiet and didn’t join them for the regular post-shift drinking sessions that appeared to generate much of the kitchen gossip. Two of the waitresses, Yumi and Mai, in particular had taken a shine to him, always making sure that he had plenty to eat and drink during his shifts and sometimes even slipping a share of any tips they received into his apron, as much as he repeatedly tried to refuse them.

Haru was also pleased to discover how much he enjoyed the work. At first he’d been a little thrown by how taxing it was - as a competitive swimmer he was far from unfit but in his first week his back had ached, his feet swollen up and his fingers cramped from all the repetitive knife work. But it hadn’t taken long for him adjust and fall into the rhythms of the kitchen, to learn the days when the restaurant was busiest and would need more prep the night before, to recognise when Chef Yoshiya was in one of his moods and was to be avoided and when he might have time to add a few sneaky personal touches of his own to his work - fashioning all sorts of flowers and animals and shapes out of the vegetables he prepped which always made Nakata smile and thump him on the back in appreciation.

If he found any spare time he took to picking up small couriering jobs for some of the restaurants suppliers for extra cash, zipping around Tokyo on his borrowed bike. It didn't come close to swimming, but it was exhilarating nonetheless and the added exercise meant he felt less guilty for the odd dryland training session he was forced to skip.

He felt alive, lean and filled with purpose. Each hour of each day spent applying himself tirelessly toward his goal in a way he had never really done before. He felt himself getting stronger in ways he hadn’t expected - his swim times improved, his cooking skills, his confidence navigating the beast that was the Tokyo rush hour traffic. He felt himself actively building a life he could be proud of, a life that belong to him...that was his to choose to share.

He missed Rin.

He missed Rin’s smile, missed the way it caused his eyes to crinkled up and sparkle, missed his laughter. Missed waking up to him in his arms. Missed the way he would pout, bottom lip sticking out like a child when he was pretending to be offended or annoyed. He looked for him everywhere. Even though he knew, logically knew, that Rin was thousands of miles away Haru still found himself searching for him in every crowd, at every training session. Every time the door chimed in the restaurant, his heart hoped it would see Rin.

Sometimes it felt like having a phantom limb. If he closed his eyes he could call to mind the exact weight of Rin’s arm around his shoulders, the tickle of his breath against his skin, the feel of his fingers digging into his shoulders, his hips, holding him impossibly tight and impossibly close.

And he felt cold all the time, even in the midst of the muggy early August heat, as if the loss of Rin had seeped into his bones chilling him from the inside out. Tokyo had been experiencing summer storms and as much as he was glad that Rin wasn’t forced to endure them, he couldn't help but think of the nights he’d held Rin in his arms, draping his body around him and sharing soft whispers to shield against the memories the thunder and lightning held. Sometimes he would find himself just stopping in the street, ignoring the streams of people around him and standing with his face tipped up to the warm summer rain and picturing Rin in his arms as the water streamed down his face.

But life moved on around him. Makoto had started a job teaching summer swim lessons at an inner city rec centre. He clearly found it exhausting, but the light in his eyes when he talked about the progress his kids were making, the way they started to open up to him,  just reaffirmed to Haru that his friend had truly found his path. Sousuke meanwhile had settled across town in the heart of the financial district to complete his summer placement at a prestigious law firm. Haru knew he had an intimidating workload, and with his own relentless schedule he didn’t get to see him very much (but if Makoto’s new addiction to his phone was anything to go by, he suspected that Sousuke was at least able to steal _some_ moments to himself). They did however text back and forth every couple of days - usually a slightly asymmetrical exchange with Haru unsubtly fishing for information about Rin and Sousuke trying to stay tight lipped. As the weeks had passed he had clearly started to feel badly about withholding information from Rin, so he kept his messages vague. _He seems ok, all things considered. He seems to have settled. His swimming is going well. He’s made some friends. Halfway through already..._

They really were all growing up and moving on. Haru only hoped Rin wouldn’t move so far ahead that he couldn’t reach him anymore when he returned. He had to battle daily with the urge just to call him or email him, frequently looking up the flights he already knew he couldn't afford and fantasising about just showing up at Rin’s new pool and getting down on one knee right then and there. The only thing that stopped him was the belief that he was ultimately doing what was best for Rin by keeping things to himself for now. And once Haru had made a decision he tended to stick with it. Rin needed to focus, to train, and knowing all that Haru was up against wasn’t a burden he felt was fair to ask Rin to hold when it was he himself who was responsible for the bomb that had dropped on their lives. It would only hurt him more.

Which is not to say it didn’t wear against him. Sometimes the weight of keeping his secret from Rin was almost unbearably heavy. After all, how well had secrets served him this far. At times he felt like he was taking a horrible gamble on his future without knowing the odds - tell Rin now and risk hurting him further, or tell him later and risk having already lost him for good.  

So he put all his focus to working hard, training harder and saving obsessively, opening a second bank account and setting aside as much as he could afford to from his weekly pay packet - opting to go without even the smallest of luxuries if it meant a few extra yen - and keeping a clipping from a jewellery shop brochure showing a set of rings close to those that Rin had selected for them tucked in his wallet at all times. He slept in Rin’s T-shirts. Changed his watch so that it ran on Phoenix time. Wondered constantly what Rin was doing at that exact moment, wondered if he also missed their long gentle Saturday’s together.

Saturday’s for Haru now consisted of double shifts at the restaurant. He was grateful for the work, for the distraction, his mind filled with the focus and the simplicity of knowing exactly what task he was expect to do next and fulfilling that, but after a long day he would walk back to his cramped new dorm room, back aching, and collapse into bed wishing keenly even just to speak to Rin or to hear his name. He wondered how Rin would spend his Saturday’s now.  

 

* * *

Rin glared at the fish counter like it had personally offended him. Was he really about to buy mackerel. Of his own volition. _Again._

He stifled the slight groan that emerged and hurriedly shoved the fillets in his cart walking swiftly away. His sudden and sustained craving for a certain seafood was doing nothing to lift his terrible mood. Because while all the other athletes he trained with were excited for a day off, Saturday just happened to be his least favorite time of the week.

On the whole his first month at the NAU had passed by in a blur of training and PT and swim clinics and afternoons so hot that the only real option was to retreat inside to the aircon. He had been relieved to find he liked the programme - after the first rough week getting used to the time difference and the altitude he found that the intensity and the coaching style suited him, paying off in incremental improvements to his times. The other swimmers were also a good bunch, despite their mix of nationalities striking a balance between supporting and challenging each other.

At first he had tried to make an effort to make friends - throwing himself into trips to sunbathe at the leisure pool, play video games in the hall common rooms or trying to hunt down some non-terrible food on campus - but he’d quickly found that instead of being distracted by the company it only made him more aware of just how much he missed Haru. Missed their life, missed their team. Rin just couldn’t afford to let himself think like that, and so more and more he’d found himself turning down the invites thrown his way until they stopped altogether.

He knew as a consequence he had built a bit of a reputation for himself as a loner. That the other athletes found him closed off and gloomy out of the pool. But he generally couldn’t find the energy to care. Occasionally he would bump into Eli who would insist they would grab a coffee or sit and eat lunch together, but the intern usually seemed to be running to or from somewhere on campus in a great hurry and so quickly Rin had found himself spending most of his spare time alone.

On the whole it wasn’t too much of a problem. He sought other ways to fill the fleeting gaps in between sessions. He had reluctantly kept his deal with Coach Yamamoto and followed Eli’s map to student services where he’d sat through a handful of sessions with a kind but slightly distracted seeming young woman who looked barely older than himself. It hadn’t gone anywhere. Rin resolutely refused to bring up anything to do with Haru, and as far as his experiences with anxiety were concerned, the only advice he was offered was no different to all the things he had heard before. Hell, when Haru had found out he had done a better job with just a few days access to Makoto’s laptop.  

(She _had_ tried to suggest delicately that it may also be worthwhile that they explore his seeming lack of self esteem, but Rin had shut her down immediately. Back home people knew him as the loud, confident, even arrogant one. She didn’t know him at all. He just got stressed sometimes... it didn’t mean he a problem.)

He started taking an online class in French, determinedly losing himself in lists of vocab and grammar, rationalising that as one of the official languages of the Olympics he should at least be familiar with it and that a few extra credits never hurt anyone. He also threw himself into his reading for the next semester, telling himself it was only sensible to get ahead, especially after having ended the year with a missed assignment.

It certainly wasn’t because he needed distractions, any distractions to stop him from finishing any one of the dozen letters to Haru he had started and discarded.  
  
They ranged from faintly academic, structured and concise justifications written in his very neatest hand for why this really was the best thing for both of them, to long pages that tipped occasionally into being illegible begging that Haru forget everything he said, forgive him for leaving and please, please, if it wasn’t too much to ask, _please just to choose him._

But he couldn’t ask that. He hadn’t been able to before and he couldn’t now, and so he crumpled them all and shoved them out of sight, knowing full well he’d never send any of them but not able to throw them away all the same. Instead he opted to pretend that the letters - along with the swirl of conflicting emotions they failed to adequately capture - simply didn't exist.

That is until his body and his brain inevitably pulled him into another late night writing session, when the dreams became nightmare and the thin air started to feel even thinner.

Because as much as he tried to bury himself with tasks, sometimes even his very best efforts didn't stop the hours spent alone from wearing against him. When he was so tired from training it was hard to think clearly, it was less of a problem. He could at least pretend that he no longer felt the ache, that the pressure in his chest had receded. But then Saturdays would inevitably roll around and Rin would realise he had an entire day stretched before him with no swimming, no dry land training and no plans to see anybody.

This empty time was the hardest. Rin feeling something compressing in his chest, tighter and tighter until the only times he was able to get enough air was when he was training, pushing his muscles so hard that the need for oxygen overrode the heartbreak and he was finally able to take big gasping lungfuls of air.

So he swam even when he knew he shouldn’t. Extra sessions slipped in when he should have been resting but couldn’t bare to stay in his dorm alone and think about all the things he would normally be doing with Haru. Idle fingers far too tempted to call or write or email.

This particularly Saturday though, Rin was trying to be strict with himself. He’d developed the smallest niggle in his shoulder which the coaches and PT staff were confident would resolve completely on its own if just given adequate rest. Having seen what Sousuke had been forced to endure, Rin didn’t need telling twice, thinking with guilt of the extra fly work he had been sneaking in, and so determined that he would spend the whole day resting. _He didn’t even run._

Which is how he found himself in the supermarket at 9.15 am having already cleaned his dorm, done two loads of laundry and packed and repacked his training bag. Because resting didn’t mean he could afford to let himself not be busy - his mind was dangerous company to be left alone with after all - and so he had written himself a long list of chores and studying to do determined that he would tick the whole thing off that weekend.

He finished up making his purchases and headed out into the baking heat, sliding his shades over his eyes and thinking wistfully of rain or a cool breeze. Hell, even the odd cloud would be something.

“Hey Rin!”

Rin turned to see Eli jogging over to him smiling. He was out of his usual coaching kit, instead wearing casual shorts and a band T-shirt that Rin didn’t recognise, Ray-bans pushed up against his blonde curls. His fondness for ridiculous trainers remained though, this pair seeming to feature pac man prominently over each toe.

“Hey Eli whats up?”

Rin waited until Eli reached him and they naturally fell into step beside each other heading back to the main quad.

“It’s your day off today right?” Eli asked, automatically pulling one of the bags from Rin’s arms to carry.

“Oh Thanks. Yeah, yours too?”

Eli beamed.

“Yes. Finally! So what you got planned?”

Rin shrugged. “Nothing much. Fold laundry, food prep, I have some emails to write, a book to read for class next semester, sort out …”

“Boooooo!” Eli cut him off. “You’re only here a few weeks more you can't waste a whole day off on _chores._ Come on, come hang out with me.”

Rin paused for a moment considering. He had his list, a plan in place...but Eli had always been nice to him and a day spent with him would surely do more for his mood than moping around the halls alone. He smiled back at Eli deciding.

“OK, sure. Um, that sounds good. Thank you. I’ll er...meet you downstairs after I’ve put this away?”

Eli grinned at him pleased.

“Better than that - I’ll _help you_ and the let's get out of here”

 

* * *

“So when did you know you were into guys?”

The question was unexpected and pulled Rin from his idle thoughts as he and Eli laid out in the sparse shade afforded to them in the local park.

They’d spent the day touring Flagstaff - Eli pointing out all his favourite places - before grabbing lunch at a weekend market. Eli had then dragged him to a record store to listen to the band on his t-shirt, and while they sang so fast at times it stretched even the limits of Rin’s near-fluent English comprehension, he had to admit eventually that they were good.

And he also had to admit he’d had fun. Eli was loud and goofy and had an amusing habit of carrying on speaking when he really should cut out a few sentences early to let his brain catch up with his mouth. It was easy not too think to hard and get lost in the chatter, and for the first time in a while Rin had found himself laughing and smiling and feeling like it was mostly genuine.

He tipped his glasses up to look over at Eli who he realised was watching him closely.

“What?”

“I don’t mean to be nosy...I’m just curious. You mentioned a boyfriend your first day, so when did you know you were into guys? Wait...I guess that actually is pretty nosy isn't it?”

Rin frowned slightly thinking.

“I...don’t know.” He answered eventually. “It’s not like it’s ever really been all guys. Haru was the first...I mean the only. I mean of course I knew he was a boy and that it maybe wasn’t...exactly typical. But I don’t know, its like I never had a choice in it. I met him and the rest of it just seemed… irrelevant.” The now automatic pulse of pain when thinking of Haru kicked up a notch. He tried to breathe through it.

“So before that you liked girls?”

“There wasn’t really ever a before.” he mumbled.

Eli gave a low whistle looking pensive before his face brightened.

“OK so maybe now’s the time to find out right?” He scanned around the park picking out a girl and pointing he out to Rin.

“What about her? You like her?”

Rin followed where Eli was looking and looked at the girl, a pretty blonde who was jogging along the path near them.

“She’s pretty I guess, and sporty is good but...”

“Ok what about him?”

Eli pointed out one of the guys running around playing soccer.

Rin wrinkled his nose.

“Mmm ok maybe not. How about her”  Eli smiled clearly warming up to the game and pointing out another girl, this one walking a dog. Rin tried to examine his own feelings, but the whole exercise just felt strange. He’d never really looked at anyone that way other than…

He shut the thought down and tried to focus on the girl. She has nice features and was dressed well. .

“Umm maybe?...I guess?”

Eli sat back looking pleased with himself.

“Ok, that’s a start. Now you try! Pick someone for me.”

Rin scanned the park picking out a preppy looking brunette about their age “her?”

Eli raised his eyebrows. “Really, Rin?”

Rin blushed slightly, embarrassed. “Well I wasn’t sure”.

He tried again “Ok how about him?”

“Hmmm closer. But I like broader shoulders.”

They played a few more rounds, getting more and more intentionally ridiculous in their choices before Eli finally turned his finger to point at himself

“What about me?”

“Y-you?!” Rin spluttered a little shocked

“Sure, I mean you must know by now I like you right?”

“You... _like_ me?”

Eli nodded.

“I like you. And look, I know you’ve just come out of something and I don’t wanna push it but... I dunno, I thought maybe you might like me a little too”

Rin’s brain helpfully flicked to white noise. “I-I...”

“Rin relax. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot or anything. Truly. But... I like spending time with you.”

“I...I like spending time with you too.” Rin replied because it was true and it felt like the safest option.

“So how about it? Let me take you on a date? An experiment if you like.”

Rin watched as Eli reached for his hand tentatively, thumb softly grazing over his knuckles. He looked up to see the sincere, hopeful expression on his face.

He swallowed heavily and tried desperately not to picture blue eyes instead of brown. His heart seemed to strain against his chest. _No, Haru._

 _But what difference does it make now anyway._ His brain replied.

He nodded.

“O-ok. Sure. I’ll go on a date with you.”

 

* * *

“Haruka sweetie why aren't you dating? You are young and attractive and yet near as I can tell all you do is work and swim. Shouldn’t you be off having romantic adventures and breaking hearts? Take it from someone tied down, you’ll miss these days when they’re gone.”

Haru snapped his head up from where he had been focused on trying to perfect a sakura blossom made out of a strawberry. He frowned at Yumi where she had leaned against the counter to look up at him accusingly, seeming to take his lack of love life as a personal slight.

Haru meanwhile of course could only think of the heart he had already broken.  
“I’m not interested in dating. I already have someone. I’m... winning them back.”

Yumi’s eyes widened with glee and she hurriedly signalled Mai over. “Our Haruka is in love! You’ve been holding out on us! Do tell.”

Haru felt himself flush as the eyes of the kitchen staff all turned to him.

“Rin, Rin Matsuoka.”

“Oh what a pretty name! I bet she’s beautiful.” Yumi exclaimed.

“He is.” Haru replied wistfully, not noticing or caring about Yumi’ slight double take.

“So what happened between you and this...Rin. Why do you need to win him back?”

Haru bit his lip frowning.

“I hurt him. A lot. My family didn’t like it and I...I let them hurt him too. So he’s away training right now. He’s also a swimmer. He’s going to make it the olympics. When he gets back I’m going to show him how sorry I am. How much I love him. I’m going to marry him.”

Haru clamped his lips together realising he’d just revealed far more of himself than he intended. It had just been nice to talk about Rin. He looked over at the kitchen staff expecting judgement, but instead he saw only soft faces. Even Chef Yoshiya looked less murderously angry than usual. Yumi threw her arms around his shoulders, eyes shining.

“Oh Haruka who knew under that stoic expression you were such a romantic! You must bring your Rin here. I want to meet him.”

“You tell Rin he’s welcome to eat here anytime. On the house.” Mr Nakata piped up, surprising Haru who hadn’t realised he’d also been listening in. He saw a strange look in his eyes as if something had just clicked. _Ah, there’s the trouble he was in._

Haru ducked his head feeling slightly overwhelmed by the support he was receiving. Makoto had been right, his parents weren’t the only family available to him.

He left his shift feet feeling lighter than they had in weeks and cycled the journey back to his accomodation with a tentative smile. _It was going to work out. It just had to. Just a few more short weeks and then Rin would be home and he could really start the work of setting things right._

He was greeted at his small room by his roomate, Tengo, shoving a large stack of post and papers at him. Tengo was nice enough but he and Haru weren’t exactly compatible roommates. Tengo liked to drink and stay up late whereas Haru tended to crash to bed exhausted as soon as each shift at the restaurant was done. Haru’s daily pre-5am alarm was something of a sore point between them, and so they didn't see a whole lot of each other, Tengo either staying with which ever girl he was seeing that week or asleep in the small amount of time Haru spent in their shared room.

“These came for you. I’m off. Oh, and I broke the lamp. Sorry.” Tengo left with a half hearted salute and Haru looked over the pack of papers heart sinking. They were mostly junk mail or bills redirected from his old flat and he sat down ready to work through them.

But then a heavy brown envelope caught his attention. The paper was solid and official looking. Curious Haru opened it up. It was a legal letter. His breath caught in his chest, mouth forming into a small surprised ‘o’ as all the hope he had been feeling just moments earlier took a significant hit. He dialed Makoto.

* * *

“They’re taking the house?”

“Mmm” Haru confirmed, shock still sinking in. “I have 30 days to move all my things out. Or I did… the letter only just got to me so it’s less now.”

“Haru your grandmother owned that house! She left it to you!”

“Apparently it didn't legally transfer until I turned 20. And now my parents are contesting it.”

“So you can fight them on this? Surely?”

“Makoto I can’t afford a lawyer. I can barely afford dinner. I’m eating 100 yen store ramen.”

“I’ll ask Sousuke to take a look at it.” Makoto offered sounding determined.

“Makoto, Sousuke is a trainee. On work experience. My parents have a whole firm of lawyers. It’s no good.”

“So.. what are you going to do?”

Haru sighed. “I’m going to go home-go to Iwatobi and pack up what I can.”

“Haru….”

“Its ok Makoto… I’m sorry to have called late it just… it was surprise. But I’m fine. Honestly. I’ll be fine.”

“Want to come over? Or I can come over to you? We can talk about this.”

“It’s ok Makoto. Really. I just need to sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Despite what he had told Makoto, Haru didn’t sleep much. He curled in his bed and promised himself he was not going to cry. The house… his grandmother's house, his home. It hadn’t ever occurred to him his parents might try and take that from him. That their disgust, their rage at him could truly run so deep.  

But if this was a message from his parents, another test or trial, then Haru was determined to make sure his response was clear.

_Go on. Do your worst. Take it all. This changes nothing._

Because it didn’t. Not really. If this was simply another obstacle he had to overcome to be with Rin then he would do so willingly. He reached out for the photo of the two of them he kept in his room and held it tight to his heart.

Rin was more important. Rin would always be more important.

With the morning light Haru found a fresh resolve. He checked his calendar and counted out the days he had remaining to collect his belongings from the house. It left him only two possible weekends, and the dates of the first weekend jumped out at him, the numbers significant, meaningful.

So he reluctantly dipped into his savings and purchased a cheap bus ticket home. He emailed his coaches to request another couple of personal days and called Mr Nakata to apologise for needing to take a Saturday off.

Makoto tried to offer to come with him - was insistent that it was a good opportunity for him to see his family too - but Haru secretly knew he had plans to visit Sousuke at the new fancy apartment his summer placement granted him (even if Makoto was being awfully reticent to mention it) and so he insisted he wanted time alone to say goodbye to the place he grew up.

The bus trip was incredibly long and dull and uncomfortable, his legs cramping with the lack of stretch and his mind given far too much time to torment him with all the worst of his failings. But when he finally pulled up at Iwatobi station he felt a strange calmness settle over him. He was safe here. Nothing his parents could do, could take away from him, would change that.

He let himself into the quiet and empty house and the first thing he did was to run a bath and sit soaking for a long while, the familiarity of the scenario causing the last of the panic to drain away from him.

Once his fingers and toes were thoroughly prune-like he padded around the house barefoot in just a towel and tried to take stock of everything that was left. He’d never owned very much in the way of ‘stuff’ and most of his clothes and books and art supplies had come with him to university, but there were a few items of importance to his grandmother that he wanted to be sure to preserve - an old watering can for the garden, a jewellery box, a framed photograph of her and his grandpa who had died before Haru was born, a vase, a set of records she had liked to play when they had cooked together when he was a boy.

He felt the memories of his grandmother as a tender bruise, her warmth, her kindness still writ in the details of the kitchen, the lounge, the garden she had been so proud of. Haru missed her with a fierceness he hadn’t felt in years. How much might be different if she were here, even just to talk to him, to stroke his hair and tell him again how special he was, how easily she found it to love him just as he was.  

Heading upstairs he took in the empty space of his bedroom - despite almost everything already being packed and gone he felt the memories wash over him. Rin sleeping over as a small boy, hilariously overprotective of his pillow, snuggling against Haru in his sleep. Rin flopping on his bed chattering noisily in his excitement to show Haru the latest swim magazine he’d bought. Rin cross legged on the floor patiently correcting Haru’s homework. Rin fleeing from the room blushing after their first kiss. Rin at 18 pressed against the sheets on his bed, hair splayed out like a halo of fire as together they chased the intoxicating feeling of skin on skin.

His heart felt heavy, a deep tiredness settling over his limbs. He curled up in the unmade bed and allowed himself to doze a short while, flashes of his life with Rin playing before his eyelids.

But he didn’t let himself rest too long. There was, after all, another reason he was here.

 

* * *

Haru wandered his small garden, finding and cutting the most beautiful blossoms to create a small bunch which he tied together with twine. He also pocketed the small wooden figurine he had been carving and set out toward Toraichi’s grave.

The whole town remembered the date of the storm, the day the boats had been lost, the day that Rin’s family had been irrevocably torn apart. But today’s date was more private, more personal, one that the Matsuoka family marked alone.

It would have been Toraichi’s 44th birthday. Several years younger than Haru’s own father, Torachi and Rin’s mother Miyako having fallen stupidly in love from a young age and bringing Rin into the world when they were still only in their early 20s. The way Rin spoke of them his parents had been demonstrably and hopelessly besotted with each other, recounting tender touches and kitchen dancing that Haru had no real frame of reference for in his own parents marriage.

The anniversary of the storm was always hard on Rin, a day where he often would not speak much, and Haru would make sure just to be there to hold him when he needed it. But recognising Toraichi’s birthday was usually a happier occasion. Haru had been invited along previously when Rin had been home to mark it, Miyako making cake to share while sharing happy stories and fond memories. There were tears of course, always, but they were usually outweighed by laugher.

It was Haru’s fault that Rin couldn’t be with his family this year to mark the occasion. Couldn’t be home, and so when he had looked at the dates available to him to pack up the house and recognised the significance he’d decided right away that the least he could do was make the trip in Rin’s stead.

He knew the route to Toraichi’s memorial well enough by now, he’d walked it hand in hand with Rin several times - to mark birthday’s, competitions, to stand shoulder to shoulder with Rin as he told his father that Haru was his partner in more than just swimming, and asked for his blessing.

In fact Haru wasn’t really paying much attention to his surroundings as he walked. Was too caught up wondering how Rin must be feeling spending this day so far away. If this counted as another wound Haru had inflicted - so he didn’t register the footsteps coming from ahead of him, didn’t recognise the voices, until they were almost upon him.

When the realisation hit, Haru considered for a moment jumping into the bushes, but he dithered too long.

“Haruka?”

Gou called out to him, appearing round the corner arm in arm with Rin’s mother, Miyako.

Haru took a deep breath feeling his palms begin to sweat.

This surely wasn’t going to be good...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally from a numbers perspective at least chapter 10 was supposed to be the halfway point but… oops chapter count has gone up (cries). This mostly because all the chapters are getting a bit long (the next one particularly is a bit of a monster, but I am trying to avoid splitting that one) Good news if there is any if that each of the remaining chapters does have a draft in existence so I will absolutely be finishing this fic. Just taking me a bit (a lot) longer than planned. So sincerely thank you to anyone sticking in there with me. <3
> 
>  **Next chapter ******  
> Haru and Miyako talk. Rin attempts to learn how to move on.


	11. ELEVEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter is looong. Like 12,000+ words long. 
> 
> Sorry. It probably really should have been turned into two separate chapters but I got it in my head that I wanted to keep these sections together. And so I hope you are able to settle in (and I hope you enjoy!)

“Haruka?”

“I’m sorry. I apologise for disturbing you.”

Haru felt the words fly out of him in a rush as he bent almost double in a clumsy bow, hoping that despite the typically flat tone of his voice his sincerity would show through. He straightened again, face heating as he stood before the Matsuoka women.

Two sets of red-amber eyes stared back at him. So like Rin’s and yet not.

Miyako blinked looking a little startled at Haru’s outburst. Or perhaps just at him being there at all. Gou was silent and wide eyed. Haru prayed for the ground to rise up and swallow him.  
  
“Haruka you...”  
  
“I know I shouldn’t be here.” He carried on, words running together. He looked at his feet feeling wretched. He had thought he had left it late enough in the day not to be a bother.

He waited for the inevitable rebuke.  
  
And yet, impossibly, all that came was a warm hand against his wrist. He looked up surprised to find Miyako peering up at him kindly, no trace of anger on her face.

“You go on Haruka. Take as long as you need. And would you join us for tea after? If you can? We’re having a cherry cake. It’s really too much for just the two of us.”  
  
“I...”

Haru nodded, voice stolen in shock. Miyako smiled. It was tender and genuine and Haru just couldn’t understand it.  
  
“Wonderful. Gou, come on love. Haruka we’ll see you later. You remember the way?”  
  
Haru nodded again and watched silently as Gou and Miyako walked arm in arm back down the mountain. Gou cast him a final confused look over her shoulder before they turned the corner and disappeared again from sight.

With a sharp exhale Haru ran a shaky hand over his face and then turned to continue onward, the route dappled in shade as it wound through the trees and up to the cliff.

When he reached the clearing - the view of the harbour below clear and crisp in the late summer warmth - he stopped and knelt by the stone memorial engraved with Rin’s father’s name. He could see some flowers and a card already placed there that day. Clasping his hands together he bowed before carefully placing his own offerings - the bundle of blossoms he had collected as well as a small wooden carving of a swimmer, mid dive. At a quick glance the swimmer could have been anyone - any swimmer captured in that split second of flight before hitting the water in streamline - but a closer examination revealed a likeness in the curves of the muscles, the hint of a smirk, that could only really be one person.

He bowed again and cleared his throat, voice coming out quiet and a little hoarse as if it had been days, rather than minutes since he had last spoken to anyone.

“Sir. Mr Matsuoka. I... I came alone. I’m sorry. Rin is training hard. He’s in America. It’s a big honour. I know you’d be so proud of him.”

He felt a little foolish talking out loud, but then remembered  what Rin had said. _You can just speak in your head. As long as it's from your heart. He’d hear. At least I like to think he would._

He took a breath and shut his eyes.

_The last time I was here I made a promise to you. That I would look after him. I… I haven’t done a very good job. I suppose you know that already. But I still want to. I still mean it._

_I’ve been thinking a lot lately about you. And about what you would think of me. My own father he… but Rin always said that you’d approve of me. That you’d be happy for us._

_Even so, I can’t help but wonder sometimes._

_I hope that he’s right. That you’d give us your blessing. Because he so wants to make you proud. Even though he has his own dream to follow now, he’ll never stop trying to make you proud. I don’t really have a family anymore. But I want to make you proud too. If I can. So I’m going to try my hardest._

_I wish I could have met you. I wish I could have told you this in person. Asked you this in person instead of in my head. Because I love your son. I love Rin and I want to marry him. If he can forgive me…. I hope he can. I hope you can too._

He sat still for a long time waiting for a response, for the guidance he knew couldn’t possibly come. He shut his eyes and felt the breeze stir against his hair. 

Then finally, steeling himself, he set off for Rin’s house.

The walk took him longer on the way down, his feet unwilling to rush towards a welcome he no longer felt sure of.

He had never spent huge amounts of time at Rin’s house - Rin had always preferred hanging out at his place. It made sense really. Haru’s was bigger and quieter with much more privacy so Rin usually got his way. But privately, Haru had always loved the Matsuoka home. It was cosy and noisy and warm and Miyako had always treated him as if he were one of her own.  
  
He remembered the first time he had come for dinner after Rin had formally told her about the nature of their relationship. She hadn’t treated him any differently. The only way he had been able to tell she knew was when he was leaving, as she gave him her usual big hug, she had whispered in his ear “ _I’m so glad that it’s you.”_  
  
He’d never quite managed to put into words to Rin what that moment had felt like. What it had meant to him.

But what reception could he expect now?

When he arrived he froze at the door, hand half poised to knock. The cowardly part of him told him just to leave. That there was no longer anything good to come to him on the other side of that door.

But his will was stubborn. He knocked and held his breath, determined to face the fall out head on.

* * *

Miyako sipped her tea and watched the boy opposite her. Very quickly after Haru’s arrival at her door she had started to question the wisdom of her invite.

He sat opposite her bolt upright, but head bowed. He looked like he expected he was about to be interviewed. Or maybe interrogated was more accurate. Leg jittering slightly under the table, one hand drawn into a fist on his knee, the other occasionally darting out to force a bite of cake into his mouth as if under duress. He looked faintly nauseous and Gou was staring at him shamelessly. (She was _so sure_ she taught her children that staring was rude…)

She reached out to still his hand. “Hey, it’s ok. Don’t force it.”  
  
Haru looked up for perhaps the first time and then quickly ducked his head again. “I’m sorry. It’s very good. I just...”  
  
“Haruka it’s really fine. Would you like more tea perhaps instead?”  
  
Haru nodded seemingly grateful and Miyako busied herself with refilling the pot as she tried to gather her thoughts. Gou took the opportunity to slip from the room. _Ah, I'm not imagining the discomfort of the situation then._ Miyako sighed inwardly.

She hadn’t meant to make Haru feel put on the spot. She’d just been so surprised to see him on the walk from her husband's grave. It hadn’t helped that right away she had recognised that same haunted look that had been a permanent fixture on her son when he had turned up out of the blue only a few weeks earlier. But now Rin was gone again, half a world away, and Haruka Nanase was sat in her kitchen looking like a freshly pinned butterfly.  

All Miyako wanted to do was to try and help take away the two boys pain. She sighed again and wondered what exactly she was intending to do about it. What her role in all this should be. Her gaze flicked automatically to the portrait on the wall. _Tora ...I wish you were here. What would you do?_

She loved her children with everything she had, and loved them equally, but Miyako had to admit she had always felt just that little bit more equipped to deal with Gou. Having to be father and mother both to a young man on the brink of adulthood was a vast enough challenge as it was, let alone one with dreams so big and bright and sharp that sometimes, despite her best efforts, they seemed to cut him to his core. It didn’t help that such a formative period of Rin’s adolescence had been spent away from her. It was a sacrifice she had made willingly at the time because it had been for Rin’s future, but she still sometimes felt as if she were looking at a finished puzzle and trying to understand where all the pieces had come from. Looking at Haru now she felt even more out of her depths. This was all still so new to her. Beyond her expertise.  
  
Perhaps then she should just serve the tea and let Haru leave. He was clearly uncomfortable and technically if he and Rin were no longer together she had no right to claim his time. But still.... looking at the young man in front of her - always so quiet, same large blue eyes and serious expression at 20 that he had worn at 12 - she had the strongest sense that nobody had mothered him in such a long time. It pulled at her, made her yearn to somehow take care of him.  She wasn’t sure she could in good conscience just do nothing.

She poured them both a fresh cup and cradled hers in her hands, grateful for its solid warmth against her fingers.  
  
“Is Makoto also visiting home?”  
  
Haru shook his head.  
  
“How about Nagisa and Rei? I haven’t seen them since their graduation.”  
  
“I came alone.”  
  
“Ah, I see. And how long are you planning to stay?”  
  
“Only until tomorrow. I have to return for training.”  
  
_Oh dear, this really is turning into an interview._ She lamented. And then the uncomfortable silence was back. She opened her mouth to say something - anything. _A comment about the weather maybe? or a question about swimming - that should be safe._ But Haru got there first.

“I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have been there. I know I’ve got no right.”

Miyako frowned feeling caught off guard, on instinct she reached over to clasp his wrist again.

“Haruka what’s all this? Don’t be silly. I’m touched that you remembered. That you would think to visit Toraichi. I know Rin would be too.”

Haru just swallowed hard and looked at his hands again. She decided to take a chance and ask the one thing that really mattered.  
  
“Haruka how... how are you? I’ve been worried. I know it’s not my place to call. But I have been thinking of you.”  
  
Haru looked up at that. Blue eyes wide but inscrutable.  
  
“Rin told you. That we … we’re not together.”  
  
Miyako confirmed with a nod.

“D-Did he tell you why?”  
  
“A little. Not everything I expect.”  
  
“What did he say?”  
  
Miyako paused, thinking through her words carefully. She knew didn’t have the whole story. Only what Rin had managed to battle out through shaky breaths and gritted teeth, a weak smile forced onto his face that convinced precisely nobody when he said he was _fine_ . The memory of her sons pain sent a pang right into the core of her, and the idea that a parent, any parent, could fathom abandoning a child over who they loved - for loving _her Rin_ \- made her feel faintly light headed with the anger of it. But she swallowed it down for Haru’s sake and tried to sound calm, rational.  
  
“I understand that it may have something to do with your parents. That they object to the nature of your relationship with Rin.”  

Despite her best efforts a hint of steel slipped through, her eyes flashing as she thought of the heartbreak she had had to endure seeing in her kind, brave son’s eyes. She had never met the Nanase’s - the only set of Rin and Gou’s friends parents to have been notably absent at all the milestones that make up a childhood. She didn’t consider herself terribly judgemental (she knew some in their small town looked on her unkindly as a single parent who had ‘shipped’ her child half a world away), but even before this mess she had felt it told her enough to have an idea that they wouldn’t get along.

Haru looked down.  
  
“It’s... it’s my fault. I didn’t tell them. And I lied. To Rin.”  
  
Miyako wasn’t sure what to say to that. Rin had been heartbroken yes, but he’d never actually blamed Haru. He seemed to have felt it was an inevitability rather than a choice. She sighed.  
“Families can be... complicated Haru. I know that. Rin does too.”  
  
“Please don’t be kind to me.” The request was delivered so quickly, so bluntly and forthright that even though there was no way that she could have misheard she still blinked uncomprehending.  
  
“Haruka?”  
  
“I don’t deserve it.”  
  
“Haruka you are always deserving of kindness. Always. Nothing could change that, you understand?”  
  
“I hurt Rin.”  
  
“Rin is hurting.” She allowed. “But it seems to me that you are too. He didn’t tell you he was going away did he?”  
  
Haru shook his head. “Is he... is he ok?”  
  
Miyako failed to stifle a frustrated sigh. “Oh you know Rin. He wouldn’t want me to see even if he wasn’t. It’s all selfies and pictures of food. But your coaches assure me he is in good hands and being well looked after. And what about you Haruka. How is training? Are you being looked after?”

Haru looked puzzled at being asked, blue eyes flashing with something uncertain. He answered with a slight frown.

“Training is good. It’s not the same without Rin. But coach thinks I have a good chance at the cup. Will you be coming? To watch Rin?”

Miyako felt a slight heaviness in her chest.

“I’m afraid I’ll be watching from here. But I’m hoping to come for the national team tryouts.”

“You can’t come to the cup?”

Miyako shook her head.

“No. I wish I could be there to see you both. But Gou and I can only make the trip to Tokyo once and Rin was insistent he’d rather us to see him at qualification.”

Haru looked away and Miyako wondered if she had made him uncomfortable with the unintended allusion to their financial limitations. From the little Rin had spoken of Haru’s parents she knew they were extremely well off. That it had sometimes left him feeling more conscious of their own precarious situation. They’d always managed so far, but she _hated_ that her son had learned to worry about money from such a young age.

“It’s nice.” Haru said finally, slowly. “It’s nice that you want to come and watch him. That you support him. I know it means a lot to Rin.”

Miyako smiled and despite herself felt her eyes mist. She blamed it on the day. Her defences were always lower when it came to Tora.  “Well I wish I could do more. Be there more. But I know his dad is watching over him.”

They stayed sat together in silence for a few moments. Miyako wracked her brain for the right thing to say next.

But too soon Haru was finishing his tea, shifting in his seat as if preparing to make his excuses and go. Miyako felt a wave of protectiveness hit her. She couldn’t just let him leave like this. She was reminded suddenly of something Toraichi’s mother used to tell her in the wake of her husband's death, when she had felt raw and exposed and weak and so afraid of how she would possibly cope alone. _Follow the love and you’ll do fine._

She looked up at Haru and smiled. Maybe she didn’t have to fix anything - I mean how could she? - but maybe, just maybe it would be enough to make sure that Haru knew he was cared for regardless. To make sure she didn’t send the boy in front of her away believing he was at risk of being alone in the world.  

“Haruka would you like to stay for dinner?”

* * *

Haru could have told himself any number of lies about why he’d accepted the invite - because it was polite, because he felt guilty and was still hoping for some form of rebuke, because he was tired and had only bare cupboards waiting for him at home - but while there was perhaps a measure of truth in all those reasons, the reality was he felt closer to Rin in the Matsuoka home. Could almost believe he would come bounding out of his room at any moment. And having been so starved of contact over the past weeks even crumbs felt like a feast. He simply wasn’t ready to go.

Miyako at least had seemed pleased by his acceptance and shooed off his offer of help, telling him instead to simply go and wash up and relax a little before the meal was served. Despite his fears she so far hadn’t seemed angry at him at all. It was strange. It didn’t make sense. _Why didn’t she hate him?_

In the bathroom Haru washed quickly then stood in front of the mirror and stared. His reflection offered one possible answer _\- maybe she felt sorry for him._

He had thought he was doing ok. Had thought he was handling it. But standing there for the first time he saw what everyone else must have been seeing - what Miyako saw.  
  
His lips were chapped and bitten, skin dry and far paler than it normally was, marred only by twin crescent moons of blue brushed under his eyes. His hair was getting too long and needed a cut and he had lost weight, his face taking on new angles he hadn’t seen before.  
  
Overall it wasn’t very pretty.

He sighed and looked away frustrated. He was supposed to be proving to Rin, proving to everyone (and perhaps to himself most of all) that he could handle things alone. It wouldn’t do to be inspiring pity, to have Rin hearing from his mother or Gou that he’d turned up at the house looking like an underfed scarecrow. The absolute last thing he wanted was for Rin to feel obliged to forgive him out of guilt. 

He smoothed down his hair, pinched his cheeks to bring some colour, buttoned up his shirt to the top to cover his newly too sharp collar bones and resolved to eat a second portion of dinner if it was offered.

Listening out incase he was called, Haru then slipped from the bathroom and made a beeline to Rin’s bedroom, moving softly as he could.

It was as tidy as ever. At first glance it wasn’t even immediately evident that Rin wasn’t currently staying there. The only major give away was in the form of a rather enormous lump of black and white fur taking pride of place in the centre of the bed.

Steve, the Matsuoka family cat, was curled up on Rin’s bedspread and looked up, eyes flashing at Haru once before resuming his nap. Haru crept over and held his fingers close, but not touching. Steve automatically obliged, bumping his head and cheek against Haru’s hand and releasing a low rumbling purr that sounded like a small lawn mower had just gone off.

Haru smiled despite himself. Rin’s love of Steve was decidedly unrequited and Rin had always pouted and called the cat a traitor whenever he would opt to curl up in Haru’s lap or rub against his leg. He wondered what Rin would think knowing Steve picked his bed of all places to sleep.

“So you miss him when he’s gone huh? Or do you just think this is your room?” Haru murmured quietly.

He perched himself on the edge of Rin’s bed, legs swinging lightly. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing, what he was looking for. He had just wanted to feel close to Rin, to breathe him in.

But he was pulled quickly from his longing thoughts by his foot clipping against something shoved under the bed. Curious, Haru tipped his head upside down to find a box under there, hastily pushed out of sight.

That wasn’t like Rin. After finding - and mercilessly teasing Haru about - his stack of water magazines Rin had always made very sure that the underneath of his bed and mattress was clear whenever Haru had been round (and of course Haru had checked each and every time, determined to have his revenge when he eventually, inevitably, found the collection of shoujo manga that Rin was adamant he didn’t own).

He pulled the box out, fingering the lid. It was an invasion of privacy. He knew this. And yet he wanted to see what Rin had been hiding. Wanted to know anything he could about the time Rin had spent here in the aftermath of their awful breakup. He shivered, images coming to him ubidden of that last time that Haru had felt Rin’s skin against his own.

He pulled the lid away and set it on the bed.

At first he wasn’t sure what he was looking at. It looked like a box of rubbish. Papers and packets and what looked like bits of old homework assignments.

But as Haru ran his fingers through, it slowly began to make sense. What at first had seemed a random collection started triggering memories - a set of movie stubs from their first official date when Rin had taken them to the cinema and then got annoyed when Haru pointed out that he had cried, an old math paper that Haru had doodled a half fish man on when he had been bored of studying, sets of receipts detailing meals and day trips they had shared, stubs from a flight to Australia bearing Haru’s name, a birthday card Haru had made him for his 18th. A few dry and crunchy sakura petals. Even what looked to be an old condom wrapper. _Of all the things to keep Rin!_ he thought, but ran his finger over it as if it were a precious jewel nonetheless.

It was a box filled with them. Not just the big moments, but the everyday. Rin it seemed had kept and treasured it all.

He wondered what he had been thinking when he looked at it last. Had he planned to throw it all out? Or had he sat thinking of all the moments that had come together to make them, _them_ and wondered what came next, as Haru did now.

He felt a great wave of want hit him. He wanted more. They’d already come through so much, so much history together, so many storms and misunderstandings weathered. They were supposed to have a whole lifetime to come. He didn't know what he would do if this box was it - if there was nothing else, no more memories to make.

He pulled out his wallet and slid out the picture of the rings he had been carrying around. He was still so very far away from being able to buy them, and how much further away he was from even having a hope of being able to use them he didn’t know. He wondered if Rin had told Miyako what he had been planning for his birthday. What he had been planning for them. He must have. And now here he was here alone in his almost-but-not-quite mother-in-laws house feeling wracked with loss.

A noise alerted him that he wasn’t in actual fact alone, and he looked up to find Gou watching him from the doorway, expression unreadable.

“I-” he shoved the paper away and covered the box with a slam starting to explain - although how exactly he was planning to explain having trespassed into Rin’s room to search through his things he couldn’t say. Steve chose that exact moment to stretch and deliver a dramatic yawn. Haru glared at him, _you really are a traitor._  

He opened his mouth to try again but was saved by a shout from Miyako calling them to dinner. Gou gave him one final strange look before she spun around on her heels leaving Haru with his mouth half open like a fish. He followed her out and wondered if she would tell Rin. If perhaps she had already text him. _How would Rin react to him being there?_

 

The warmth and delicious smells of the kitchen hit him with a wave of longing for the easy domestic family life he had never really had, and Haru felt his stomach growl angrily, realising for the first time that he had actually yet to eat that day (other than the few poor attempts at pushing down cherry cake)

Miyako gestured for him to sit and handed him a large steaming bowl and a set of sakura patterned chopsticks.

“Here Haruka honey. You must eat all of that up. Every bit. You are looking far too thin just like my Rin.”

She had served udon noodles in dashi soup with thin, tender strips of beef. It was a meal Rin had cooked for them often. A meal they had fought over good naturedly many times. Because it had ‘no mackerel’ but ‘good protein’. It spoke to him of easy nights in when they were both too tired to do much other than snuggle, of comfort, of soft touches and teasing kisses in the kitchen, of the utter safety and love and belonging he had felt in Rin’s arms. _Perhaps he had had it after all._

Haru dropped his chopsticks. He felt the tears start to prick his eyes. He tried, but too late, to hide them.  
  
“Gou, Gou honey would you give us a moment?” Miyako was at his side in a flash and Gou nodded looking a little shell shocked, but left the room, bowl in hand, quickly.  
  
Miyako pulled Haru into a warm hug and to his shame he felt himself fall apart. Great shuddering sobs wracking his body as he shook in her arms.

“Oh honey it’s ok. It’s going to be ok.”

Haru couldn’t speak. Not at first. He was as surprised as anyone by the sudden overwhelming wave of grief and just let himself be held. He tried vainly to remember if his own mother had ever held him this way. Wished blindly that she might ever find it within herself to do so again.

Miyako rubbed slow circles on his back and made soft comforting noises as he sobbed in her arms. Eventually Haru stilled enough that she pulled back, cradling his face in her hands and wiping the tears from his cheeks with her thumbs.

“Oh sweetheart. Have you and Rin spoken at all since he left?”

Haru pulled away and shook his head lowering his eyes.

“I can’t...he won’t. But it’s my fault. I messed up. I messed up _so badly._ ”

Miyako watched him thoughtfully. “Haruka I’m not sure this is a matter of fault. Family is important. Rin understands that. He does. I do too. We all do.” But the she frowned. “But it’s not just Rin being away, is it? Haruka, please if you were in trouble, if you needed anything you would tell me wouldn’t you? Are your family really very angry with you because of this?”

“They will never forgive me.” Haru’s voice trembled. “And I don’t know if Rin will ever forgive me.”

Miyako sighed and looked down at her hands, seeming to measure her words carefully. 

“Haruka my son loves you. He is hurting right now, and pain can make us behave in ways we come to regret. But I know he cares about you. That has not changed. And as for your family, Haruka I ...I don’t agree with them. I think it’s a very cruel thing that they have done. I’m sorry to speak ill of them in front of you, but I do.”

She lifted her head and fixed him with a firm gaze. “And I don’t care what they believe, I want you to hear me when I say there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with Rin. And there is absolutely nothing wrong about the two of you together.”

Haru stilled a little at that, eyes widening at her words.

“But they are your family.” She conceded. “And nobody can blame you for feeling obligated to them - not me and certainly not Rin. I am sure they love you. In their own way. Perhaps they just need a little time. To come round to the idea.”

“How did you come round to the idea?” Haru asked, tone a little blunter than he intended and thickened by his now rather snotty nose. _Crying was such a pain. Why did Rin seem committed to doing it so much?_

Miyako couldn’t hide her surprised at the question. Haru noticed the way her eyes flicked over to the framed photograph of Rin’s father than hung prominently on the wall.

“Me...ah well I expect it is a little different Haruka. Loss… changes how you see things. I always knew how much Rin cared about you. I suspected long before he told me. And Tora, well he taught me how rare a gift it is to love someone. To have them love you back. Even if it doesn’t always last forever.”

“But did you ever wish it was different?” Haru pressed, staring at hands balled tight into fists. “Did you ever wish Rin was different?”

Miyako’s eyes blew wide. “Oh, honey no.”

But then she paused.

“Well to be truthful sometimes I do wish things might have been easier for Rin. After having to live with losing his father so young sometimes I wished he might have had an easier dream. An easier love. As much as I wish everyone felt the way I do, the way Tora did, I know that’s not the reality of the world we live in. But that doesn’t mean Rin should ever be the one who has to change. I could never ask for him to be anything other than who he is. I’m so very very proud of him. A-and I could see how happy he was with you. How could I not want that for my son?”

Her eyes shone then with tears of her own.

Haru seemed to consider her words, expression thoughtful. Finally he looked up, cheeks still damp but eyes dry. “He makes me very happy too. I-I love him. I love Rin.”

Miyako gave him a soft smile and then pulled him in close for another hug.

“I know you do. I have never doubted that even for a second.” She patted his hair before releasing him and handing him a tissue which Haru sniffed into feeling rather ashamed of himself.

“Haruka, why don’t you stay here tonight? Rin’s room is all set up and I don’t like thought of you going back to that house all alone. Not like this.” Miyako regarded him, head tilted.

“Thank you...but I don’t think Rin would want me here.”

Miyako’s lips twitched slightly. “I’m not sure I believe that. But in any case luckily this is my house, not my son’s. And I’m inviting you.”

Haru battled with himself. He knew he should leave. That Miyako was probably only being polite. That he had already stretched so many boundaries by being there when Rin wasn’t. But the pull of the warmth and comfort the Matsuoka home offered was hard to ignore, the lure of being here surrounded by things of Rin’s - photos and trophies and terrible elementary school drawings that Miyako stubbornly refused to take down from the fridge.

He gave a small nod.

“Excellent!” Miyako stood clapping her hands together before she leaned over to push his fringe back slightly and place a light kiss against his forehead. “Now how about you try to eat that up before it gets cold and I’ll go and tell Gou she can stop listening at the door.”

He heard a faint squeak of alarm come from through the walls and couldn't help but feel a slight easing in the pressure of his chest.

He may well not belong here, not really, not anymore, but in that moment it felt like home.

* * *

After dinner (of which Haru ate not two, but three portions) Miyako ran him a warm bath and left him a pile of fluffy towels. After he was done she made him a hot cup of cocoa and directed him to Rin’s bedroom, a set of pyjamas that looked suspiciously like one of his own laid out for him.

“You still have a toothbrush in the bathroom too.” She smiled. “And you know where to find me if you need anything else.”

Haru supposed he ought to feel a little more embarrassed. He was supposed to be a man now, an adult who could stand on his own, and yet here he was allowing Rin’s mother to look after him as though he were still a small boy.

It was just too tempting to give in though. To forget for a moment he was supposed to be able to do it alone and accept the care offered so freely. The warmth of Miyako’s love, the ease of her acceptance was steadying, helped him feel more solid. Safe.

He crawled under the covers and let the familiar comfort wash over him. It was warm and soft. And it smelled like Rin. If he closed his eyes he could almost believe Rin was there with him. He burrowed in deeper and was surprised by how fast sleep took him.

* * *

_“Rin this won’t work if you keep jumping every time you hear a noise.” Haru teases, lips curling ever so slightly at the corners._

_Rin exhales a puff of air that disturbs his bangs. “I know. I’m sorry I just… I don’t exactly want my mom to catch us half naked in my bed.”_

_They are sprawled across Rin’s covers, Rin’s shirt pools at his shoulders, Haru’s has been flung somewhere to the side. He’s kissing down Rin’s chest slowly, the two of them gently testing the lines of what they are comfortable with, ready for. They’re both still new at this, and though the want is clear, the nerves, the inexperience is equally obvious for both of them._

_Haru pauses what he’s doing and looks up at Rin._

_“Do you think she would mind? About me?”_

_He tries to keep his tone neutral, hoping Rin hasn’t noticed the slight stutter of his heart._

" _No.” Rin answers almost too quickly. “I mean… well, not about you being a boy. I just don’t think she’d be thrilled we were … you know_ messing around _in the house with Gou living here. But she really likes you. And well, my dad always used to say we could be anything so long as we were happy so...”_

_Haru is surprised by the stab of jealousy he feels. That Rin can sound so calm, so sure that his parents affection comes without caveats or contracts. “That’s nice.” He murmurs noncommittally trying to force himself to swallow the bile. After all it's a good thing that Rin is well loved, that Rin’s mom might not object to them._

_“What about your mom and dad Haru? I don’t think I ever met them… do you think. Do you think they’d mind about me?”_

_Haru feels like a snake has just coiled around his gut squeezing too tight. He can’t tell Rin. He can’t break this perfect happy bubble. So he lies._

_“My parents don’t really care about what I do.”_

_Well, a lie wrapped up in a truth._

_“So we could really do it. Be together.” Rin whispers, sounding awed, excited._

_“Mmmmm” Haru crawls back up Rin’s body and buries his face into the crook his Rin’s neck. Breathes him in trying to combat the sickness he feels. Maybe if he pretends long enough his answer will become real…_

_Rin pulls back and looks at Haru, thoughtful, before he dips his head to press a single kiss to Haru’s cheek, chaste and sweet._

_“I’m gonna tell her. Not the doing stuff in the house part, but about us. Would that be ok with you?”_

_Haru curls in against Rin’s chest, clinging to the warmth, the safety there. “Yeah Rin. I-If you’re sure.”_

_“I’m sure Haru. I’m sure about this.”_

* * *

Haru woke early and for a few blissful seconds he wasn’t sure where he was, only that it was warm and smelt of Rin. Then he registered the heaviness in his gut and the realization hit all over again.

He looked around Rin’s bedroom and felt a flash of panic, of guilt. What was he doing here. Had he really cried in Rin’s mother’s arms, gone through Rin’s belongings, slept in Rin’s bed. What on earth had he been thinking.

He got up and dressed quickly, and listening out found the house to be quiet. He borrowed a piece of paper and a pen and wrote his thanks to Miyako in his neatest hand. It wasn’t enough to pay her back for her kindness, not even close, but he already had an idea of what he could do that may come closer.

He left the note folded up on the kitchen table and was just about to slip out the door when movement caught the corner of his eyes.

“Haruka! Wait!”

Gou was stood in the kitchen dressed in running kit. It seemed her brother’s habits had perhaps started to rub off on her.

Haru blushed feeling caught for creeping about like a thief, but Gou just jerked her chin at him. “I’ll walk you to the station”

 

They walked in silence most of the way. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but it wasn't as bad as it might have been.

Eventually Gou turned to look at him out the corner of her eye.

“I take it my brother doesn’t know that you’re here.”

Haru shook his head.

“Gou I’m sorry, I know I’ve no right to ask this but… please don’t tell him. That I was here. What.. what you heard last night.”

Gou frowned  
“You’re right Haruka. You’ve no right to ask me that. And I won’t lie to my brother.”  
She gave a sigh. “But if he doesn’t ask, I won’t tell him. Your secret is safe with me.”  
“Does he ask about me?”  
“No. Not ever. At least not to me.”  
“Oh.”

“Haruka I’m still mad at you you know.” Gou turned and gave him a glare, the likeness of Rin was so strong in that one expression that Haru couldn’t feel anything other than affection for it even as he knew he’d managed to hurt Gou too.

“But I wish you also didn’t look so sad.” She continued, eyes softening. “I wish there was something I could do.”

Haru reached out and gently squeezed her arm.

“I know. I’m sorry. There’s nothing you can do. It’s my mess. But I’m doing my best to fix it. I promise.”

Gou nodded.

“He really is in love with you, you know. I don’t think I ever realised just how much until…” She trailed off looking sad.

“I know.” Haru murmured. He wasn’t sure that he had truly known - had truly allowed him to believe it - either until he’d realised how close he was to losing it.

“I’m sorry that I hurt him. And I’m sorry I hurt you too. You had enough to worry about with your exams, you didn’t need …. This.” he gestured vaguely.  

Gou shrugged. “That should be the least of your concerns…. But thank you Haruka. Anyway it’s all turned out fine. I have an offer to study sports medicine in Kyoto.”

Haru stopped and turned surprised, he hadn’t known.  
“Gou that’s... fantastic. Such a good school. Rin must be so proud of you.”  
“He is...he is. And it will be great to be so close to Nagisa and Rei.”  
Despite her words, Gou looked troubled. She carried on walking eyes fixed at the sky.  
“What is it?”  
She sighed.  
“It’s not for you to worry about Haruka. It’s just… well the fees are expensive and there aren’t scholarships on offer like Rin has for swimming. He says not to worry. That he’ll have sponsors soon and will be able to cover it… but I hate that it’s another thing for him to worry about. Another burden.”  
“Gou Rin loves you. He would never think of it as a burden.”  
“I know. But it is what it is Haru.”

 _It is what it is._ Hadn’t he used almost the exact same justification to Makoto and Sousuke - the fear of being a burden - for not telling Rin just yet? He felt his determination redouble.

“Gou I’m going to fix this. You don't need to worry about Rin. I’ll look after him I promise. And we’ll look after you. Your mom and you both.”

Gou looked a little skeptical, she ran her eyes over Haru.

“If you don’t mind my saying I think you need to start eating more protein if you’re going to manage all of that.”

Haru gave a small smile despite himself. “I will. I’ll do that too.”

“Good. And when my brother gets back tell him to stop running away half way across the world. I miss him.”

“I will. I miss him too”

They were rapidly approaching the station, Gou took him by surprise by throwing her arms around his neck.

“And I miss you Haruka. It’s hard work being angry at you. So fix it ok? Fix it and make my brother come back home.”

Haru hugged her back hard and felt his heart squeeze.

He wasn’t sure he deserved the kindness both Gou and her mother had shown him, but he was grateful for it. And still basking in the glow of their family - one that opened its doors and arms to him without hesitation and without conditions, Haru felt even more sure of his path forward.

“I promise.”

* * *

Before going back to the house to complete his final check and close the door for good Haru took one more small detour.

He walked down to the beach. This particular stretch of sand reminded him of a lot of things  - runs with Makoto, summer swimming with the Iwatobi team, picnics and barbecues when the weather was good.

But more than anything it reminded him of missing Rin. He stepped down to the waves, not caring that his trainers got wet and stared out at the horizon. He had used to stand on this beach and think of Sydney. Both when he had known Rin was coming back and before that when he had wondered if he would ever get to see him again.

Now he thought of Phoenix. In his mind it was all dust and desert. He knew there was no ocean, but he trailed his fingers in the surf anyway and hoped somehow Rin might still feel him. The sea breeze scraped against him, the waves and the wind loud in his ears.

He knew it didn’t make sense, that his father was still alive, but he then closed his eyes and spoke to him in his head anyway, the same way he had to Toraichi.

 _I know I haven’t been the son you wanted._ He told him. _But you haven’t been what I wanted either. You didn’t give me chance to say goodbye, so I’m saying it now. The house is yours. The money is yours. But my life is mine. And soon I’m going to have my own family to look after. One that loves me just as I am. I wish you would have given them a chance, given me a chance, but I can’t worry about that anymore. So... goodbye._

He straightened up tipped his head back and loosed a sound that was half a name, half just a strangle of emotions. He poured out the years of confusion, of pain over his parents, the fear and anxiety of the past weeks.

The salt air whipped his hair around his face and stole the sound from his lungs as Haru screamed and screamed his pain into the wind.

* * *

In Flagstaff Rin woke from his nap with a gasp, shooting bolt upright in bed. He could have sworn he’d heard Haru, had dreamed of him calling his name, voice filled with pain.

But once again reality settled over him. Haru wasn’t here. Or more accurately Rin wasn’t there. He was alone. And more than that he was supposed to be about to go on a date ...

He spent the next several hours getting ready in fits and starts, on multiple occasions almost texting to cancel before he managed to wrangle his panic and just about hold out. Once dressed and having fiddled with his hair to the point it started only making it look worse he jittered about waiting for Eli to buzz his door, wishing he’d been told where they were going so at least maybe there would have been the option to meet there so he wouldn’t have been stuck pacing round his dorm room.

 _What am I doing._ He thought for the hundredth time since having accepted Eli’s invite. He didn’t know how to go on a date that wasn’t with Haru and he still wasn’t sure if he even wanted to know what that was like.

 _But you don’t have a choice._ He reminded himself. _It has to happen someday unless you’re just gonna die alone. Surely better now with someone you like, someone kind who understands._

He had a wild, ridiculous urge to suddenly call Haru up and ask for his advice but tried to push the thought of the dark haired man to one side. _Haru’s moving forward with his life. I have to too._  

When eventually he heard the buzzer go, he practically sprinted for the door - not exactly out of keenness, more relief that all that nervous energy at last had somewhere to go.

He was relieved to find Eli stood looking relatively normal - perhaps with a tiny bit more gel in his hair, but certainly not looking overly dressed up. Rin took a deep breath feeling calmer. Maybe he could do this. Maybe it would be ok.

That was until Eli gave him a glancing kiss on the cheek which immediately made Rin’s face catch fire and leave him considering sprinting to the nearest hiding place. But if Eli noticed he let it slide.

“Come on then Rin. The experiment begins!”

Eli walked them into town, the whole way refusing to tell Rin where he was going. Rin didn't mind guessing - it meant the conversation at least flowed easily - and the walked resettled his nerves a little.

Eventually Eli grabbed his hand and directed them into a rather neon looking restaurant.

“Come on. We’re at stop number one.”

Rin blinked, temporarily blinded by the extreme shiny brightness of, well, everything.

It looked to be a diner - the type Rin had seen in too many old movies and bootleg American romcoms. Waitresses in pink dresses roller skated over a large black and white check floor. A jukebox in the corner was belting out old country hits and the walls were filled with posters of old Hollywood idols and even a guitar. Rin was surprised by how pleased he was it wasn’t something more romantic or intimate. He turned to Eli with a teasing grin on his face.

“Eli this is so.... _tacky_.”

Eli gave a blinding smile in return.

“I know. Amazing right? I wanted you to have the full Americana experience at least once.”

Rin’s grin slipped a little, he leaned forward and hissed in Eli’s ear. “But is it ... is it ok that we’re here together. Like _together_.”

Eli shrugged off Rin’s concern. “Yeah. I mean don’t get me wrong there are assholes everywhere but Flagstaff is actually pretty liberal.”  
  
He smoothly directed them to a booth and Rin slid in, gratefully noticing that it was true that they weren’t getting any more stares than anyone else. He wasn’t even sure if anyone would be able to tell it was a date. He was hardly sure himself how this was going to be different than any of the other times he and Eli had hung out. He pushed the anxiety that thought prompted down and focused on the menu.

Rin was usually extremely careful with his diet. He ate a lot - the training demanding it - but he worked hard at making sure it was well balanced and healthy.

The options he was presented with now were neither of those things. With slight wonder he looked at an option for a burger with four - _four_ \-  layers of cheese and meat.  
  
Noticing that Rin was struggling Eli tapped a corner of the menu that claimed to offer ‘fitness’ options. It still wasn’t exactly what Rin would call healthy, but there were at least items he could eat without worrying about sinking the next day.

Once they had placed their order with a smiley waitress who claimed to be called Marilyn (Rin wasn’t so sure) Eli was as chatty as ever and so the conversation continued to feel natural - he and Rin swapping stories about their families, their hometowns their upbringings - covering what Rin assumed was all the usual first date ground.

He did worry about accidentally mentioning Haru (it was tricky to avoid) but as it turned out Eli asked about him first, wanting to know how they met, how long they had dated and what Haru was like. Rin answered as quickly and dispassionately as possible, not trusting himself and unable to avoid feeling faintly traitorous for talking about Haru to another man. A man he was on a date with.

He scrubbed his face and tried to deflect the focus away. “Enough about me. What about you? What was your first boyfriend like?”

Eli grinned, eyes going a little dreamy. “Oh, Rowan Scott. He’s the reason I knew I was gay. Jock. Popular. We used to make out in the janitors closet before his dad found out and he decided he was just ‘experimenting’ and actually wanted to date cheerleaders. I mean you’d be surprised how many guys I know who claim to be totally straight that have that phase.”

Rin’s face must have been doing something because Eli immediately held up his hands.

“Oh gosh not that I mean I think that’s what it was with you and Haru… I just. You know some guys aren't ready to be fully honest with their families, or themselves, maybe others really do grow out of it you know?”

Rin swallowed heavily. It wasn’t that he hadn’t heard of relationships like that. I mean being at an all boys high school the odd infatuation between classmates who went on to settle into serious relationships with women was common enough to not really to be remarked upon. But he’d never once considered that he and Haru would be like that. Although with Haru engaged to a woman didn't that mean…  

He forced himself to focus on Eli instead.

“I’m sorry. That sounds difficult. I mean, I guess I kind of know how that feels...”

Eli shrugged with a small smile. 

“It was rough at the time. But we’re actually pretty ok now. I see him at christmas and stuff. He seems happy enough and it’s not up to me to say he’s one thing or another. And not everything is supposed to last forever anyway, y’know?”

 _We were. Me and Haru were supposed to._ Rin thought bitterly. But, while no expert, he felt fairly certain it wasn’t the type of thing you were supposed to say on a date with someone else, so he just nodded silently.

Eli smoothly navigated them onto safer territory, asking about school and telling Rin more about his own course and goals to become an internationally renowned coach. With the awkward relationship talk out the way, by the time the food arrived Rin found he was actually able to relax a little, and found Eli’s perspective on the world of high level coaching genuinely interesting. He knew all kinds of obscure swimming stats and facts and Rin wasn’t sure he’d ever met anyone else as obsessed with olympics trivia as he was.

Once they were done eating and the food was cleared away it was still early and so Rin looked over at Eli curious to see if he had something else planned seeing as he had called this ‘stop one’. When he asked, Eli nodded in the affirmative but then looked a little shy.

“But first up, you’re going to need to get changed.”

Rin looked down in surprise. Sure he hadn’t brought much dressy with him - he hadn’t exactly been picturing date outfits when he packed - but he was wearing his nicest shirt, and weren’t they in a burger bar, how fancy was he supposed to be?

“You...don’t like what I’m wearing?”

Eli waved his hands in protest. “No, no it's not that.”

“But there’s something wrong with it?”

Eli laughed a little then, pulling a paper bag from his rucksack.

“With the greatest of respect, yes. For where we’re headed next there is. But it's OK. I actually brought something for you.”

Rin took the bag feeling utterly lost. He peered inside to find a t-shirt wrapped in plastic.

“You... want me to get changed? Into this?” He confirmed slowly.

Eli was still laughing a little at Rin’s confusion.

“Yes. If you don’t mind. I promise it will all make sense.”

“Fine. Any other demands.”

Eli looked sheepish.

“What?”

“Well not a demand, but here I thought this might look good on you. To go with the t-shirt I mean.”

He pulled out what looked like a crayon, but on closer inspection Rin could see it was in fact an eyeliner.

“You don’t like my clothes and you want me to wear makeup?” Rin asked flatly.

“Just a little. I swear it will make sense for where we are headed. Will you just trust me on this?”

He looked sincere, and so Rin nodded with a sigh and tried not to flinch as Eli joined his side of the booth and gently ran the pencil around his eyes with steady hands.

It was strangely intimate. When his eyes weren't closed, Rin kept them trained at the ceiling.

“Perfect.” Eli muttered when he was done “Now go try on the T-shirt and let me know what you think. You can always wash it off it you don’t like it.”

Shaking his head slightly Rin took the bag and headed to the bathroom to change. He knew the style in America was maybe a little different than back home, but he had thought he hadn’t looked half bad.

Things started to make a little more sense when he opened up the t-shirt though. It was a band t-shirt, in fact the very same band t-shirt Eli was wearing, only where Eli’s had a modest crew neck, Rin’s had a deep slashed V.

He put it on and checked over his reflection. He was surprised by what he saw. With the pencil Eli had applied a soft smudge of khol, barely there really, but just enough to frame his eyes, to make them look darker and more dangerous. Rin was a little taken back. He’d never worn any makeup before and while he was vain enough to believe he was pulling it off _rather well_ it was also a strange sight. He looked older, sharper somehow. That combined with the dark band t-shirt and it was a little like staring at some strange doppelganger. He didn’t really look like himself at all.

He steadied himself against the sink and resisted the urge to splash water over his face.

 _Maybe it’s a good thing._ He thought. _Maybe I could do with not being me for a little while._

He stared down his reflection, then determinedly balled up his own shirt and headed back out to Eli.

“Care to explain this?” he asked, pointing to his rather much more exposed chest when he returned to their table.

Eli’s eyes widened. “Oh oops. I must have picked up the wrong style by mistake.”

His tone of voice was all innocence, but the cheeky sparkle in his eyes told Rin he’d known exactly what he was doing.

He quickly wiped the smug look away though by tossing his shirt into Eli’s face.

“Isn’t it a bit strange that we match now?”

“Not where we’re going.” Eli teased still looking far too pleased with himself.

Rin sighed. “Ok then, enlighten me. Where are we going and just how much more skin will I be showing tonight?”

Eli had chosen a bad moment to take a swig of his drink and choked on it loudly. Rin felt his face burn hot, only just registering what he had said.

“I mean… I didn’t mean…”

“Jesus Rin, warn me next time.” Eli wiped his face with a serviette and looked Rin up and down again, smiling and clearly pleased with his handiwork.

“Anyway you look good. I knew you would. It suits you. So you ready?”

Rin took a deep breath.

“Yeah I’m ready. Lead the way.”

 

* * *

He could hear the noise of the crowds several blocks before they reached the bar that turned out to be their next destination. Rin spotted a poster for the band whose T-shirt he was now wearing and finally realisation clicked.

“We’re going to see them play? Live?”

Eli grinned. “Yup! You said you liked them the other day so… I hope its ok?”

Rin could only nod wordlessly and allow Eli to drag him forward into the venue. He’d never been to see a live band play before.  

He was hit by a wall of heat and sound. Sweaty bodies pressing against him on all sides, Eli guiding him through the crowd with a reassuring hand on his back.

_Haru would hate this._

Rin shook the thought away, and when Eli glanced back at him made sure he was smiling.

The buzz of anticipation going around the venue was too loud to talk properly, but thankfully they didn’t have to wait too long for the band to start up, the lights dimming and being replaced by flashing pulses of different colours.

It wasn’t dancing, at least not as far as Rin understood it, but he quickly got into the swing of leaping around and soon found himself sweaty and grinning as he lost himself in the pulse of the crowds. Eli stayed by his side, and they occasionally pushed and jostled against each other good naturedly.

The music was too loud to let Rin think, and so he didn’t. He felt himself start to let go. Could almost pretend he was just like every other normal college student in the crowd, the weight of his ambitions, the press of the pain of his loss receding against the heat and light and noise. He tossed his hair and bellowed out words he only half understood and he felt like if the music could just keep playing he might really have a chance at being ok. At being happy again.

But of course eventually it had to end. As the last encore finished and the band took their final bows, throwing drumsticks and guitar picks to the eager crowd, Rin reluctantly let Eli guide him back out to start the walk back to campus.  

“Eli that was _Brilliant!_ I mean… that was…they were incredible.” He gripped the other man’s arm knowing he sounded breathless and over excited. The opposite of the ‘cool’ that his makeup and outfit was trying to portray.

But Eli didn't’ seem to mind. His eyes lighting at Rin’s enthusiasm.

“You make it sound like you’ve never been to a gig before...didn’t you say you spent time in Sydney growing up?”

Rin faltered a little

“Well.. yeah but I… I didn’t really have many friends back then. Plus school and swimming… this was my first time.”

Eli elbowed him “You? No friends. I don’t believe you.”

Rin blinked. He felt the illusion of being someone else start to fracture. His own history, his memories all rising up again. After all, why would he be lying about something as embarrassing to admit as that?

Eli expression dropped then.

“Hey I’m sorry...I didn’t mean… it’s just… well surely you know how charming you are right? Everyone wants to get close to you. It’s only because you seem so committed to being brooding and mysterious by yourself that I ever even had a chance to get to know you at all.”

Rin blushed.

“I’m just… not really myself right now.”

“Well, for what it’s worth. I still like whoever you are now.”  

Rin blushed harder and they fell into a slightly uneasy silence before Eli elbowed him gently again.

“Come on cinderella. Let’s get you home. I’ve seen your sets for tomorrow… and well lets just say you’re going to need to get some sleep.”

Rin groaned theatrically but was quietly relieved by the change in topic as they walked companionable back to the halls together, chatting and teasing about swim sets and lap times and Eli questionable footwear choices.

When they reached Rin’s hall, they paused at the entrance to the stairwell. Rin rubbed the back of his neck feeling suddenly awkward again.

“Well, thank you. For tonight. I had a lot of fun.”

“I’m glad. I had fun too.” Eli smiled back at him, then his gaze dropped slightly and Rin felt his nerves multiply.

“Rin, I really want to kiss you goodnight - may I?”

Rin felt his heart stutter.

He felt confused and a little overwhelmed by the question. He liked Eli, he’d had a good time - it was nice to talk to someone who didn’t know him only as one half of Rin-and-Haru, who didn't treat him with kid gloves as if he might shatter at every misstep. And so maybe kissing him might feel nice too? Might be ok.

He gave a small nod.

Eli let out a breath and Rin realised he must have been a lot more nervous than he appeared. He slowly reached his hand up to cup Rin’s jaw, leaning close and gently, ever so gently pressing his mouth against Rin’s. Eli had a couple of inches height advantage, so Rin had to tilt his head back a little bit, something he was unused to.

When Rin didn’t immediately pull away, Eli gave a soft sigh and pulled him closer, his mouth opening slightly to deepen the kiss, his lips moving against Rin’s.

It felt strange. Not entirely unpleasant but Rin had never really been kissed by anyone other than Haru so it was as if his mind and body didn’t really know what to do with the information. Belatedly he realised his hands were hanging useless at his side so he raised them to loosely grip Eli’s biceps. He felt warm and solid under his touch but distinctly unfamiliar. He tried to force his mind to blank, not to picture dark hair, blue eyes, pale skin.

He felt the slightest sweep of tongue against his bottom lip and then Eli pulled back, pressing a final light kiss to Rin’s mouth before he moved away to look at him. His fingers brushed under Rin’s eyes softly. He looked a little sad and a little disappointed.

“Rin, you’re crying”

Rin’s fingers moved to his cheeks, where Eli’s had been moments before and found he was in fact correct. Somewhere along the way he had indeed started crying. He scrubbed his face feeling pathetic.  
“Oh god, I’m... its .. It’s not you. I’ve had a great time really ...” he trailed off and Eli smiled at him sadly.  
“The guy from back home?”  
Rin nodded miserably. “I really am sorry”  
Eli waved him off.

“Rin, it’s ok. Really it is. It’s not like I wasn’t... aware. I guess you could do with a friend more than a date right now huh? I’d still like to be that to you. If you’d let me?”

Rin nodded feeling like he wanted the ground to swallow him. This wasn't fair. He never should have said yes.

But although Eli still looked a little disappointed, he didn’t look angry. If anything he looked worried.

“It’ll get better you know.” He started softly. “You’re still so young. It might not be tonight, and it might not be with me, but you’ll find a way to move on from this I promise.”  
“What if... what if I don’t want to?”  
“Sometimes we don’t get the choice I’m afraid. But you deserve to find someone to love you Rin.”

“I-I….” Rin was at a loss for what he was supposed to say next, but thankfully Eli took pity on him and just pressed a final quick kiss to his cheek before turning to go.

“Its ok Rin, really. Just get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Rin watched Eli retreating form feeling helpless and stuck and guilty, but more than anything wanting Haru. He hadn’t lied. He’d had a good time, and in another time, another life maybe Eli would have been right for him. They could have been happy. But in the here and now all Rin wanted was for his lips to be tingling with Haru’s kiss, wanted to feel Haru’s warmth against him.

The feeling of longing crashed against the underside of his ribs. The pain was so startling that Rin struggled to breath.

Blinking back his tears he made his way up to his dorm room and pulled off his sweaty T-shirt, not even bothering to shower just heading straight to his bed.

He dreamed of Haru.

* * *

_Rin sighs and discards the magazine he’s been pretending to flick through. He feels antsy, unsatisfied. Usually just being around Haru is enough - lord knows he should, by all rights, have lost that privilege a long time ago. But the longing, the need for some unquantifiable more is unusually hard to ignore lately._

_Maybe Haru has just turned his ideas, turned him, down one too many times today - no he doesn’t want to see if the other Iwatobi guys want to go out to eat, no he doesn’t care about doing homework, no he doesn’t want to go and compete on silly games at the arcade - but Rin feels a little like he’s flailing. Wants to do something desperate and rash to get Haru to look up from where he’s sat perfectly content and oblivious sketching on the matting just inches from Rin. Makes him want to cause a reaction. To get under Haru’s skin as deep as he’s under his._  
  
_He turns from where he’s been lying on his front and flops on his back, propped up on his elbows sighing again dramatically._  
_“You’re being annoying.” Haru mutters softly, not looking up from where he’s started to erase one of his lines._  
_“Maybe I should just leave then.” Rin snaps petulantly. It’s childish, but strangely effective. Haru drops the sketchbook and reaches for Rin’s wrist._  
_“No, stay.”_  
_“Why. We’re not even doing anything. You’re just ignoring me and doodling again.”_  
_Haru looks away and the tips of his ears flush pink._  
_“I like drawing when you’re here. It’s... easier.”_

Huh? What was that supposed to mean? Easier than talking to Rin?

 _He’s getting lost looking at Haru again and he can’t afford to do something stupid so he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind._  
_“At least show me what you were drawing then”_  
_The pink spreads from Haru’s ears to across his cheeks._  
_“Nothing. Just practising.”_  
_But that does nothing to temper Rin’s curiosity._  
_“Show me.”_  
_“No.”_  
_“No fair. Show me.”_

 _He makes a clumsy lurch for the sketchbook. Haru twists first to knock it from his reach but Rin is unperturbed. He leans over Haru on his knees, one a hand going to either side of him to reach. Haru has to extend backward awkwardly to try again to keep the book from Rin’s grasp, but Rin is quicker. One handed he flips it open to the marked page, his other hand batting away Haru’s scrabbling protests._  
  
_And then Rin freezes, fingers going limp from where they had been gripping Haru’s wrist. He stops breathing. Or at least he thinks his does._  
  
_It’s him, stretched out on his stomach in a patch of sunlight, one arm propped under his chin, hair falling artfully in front of his eyes as he reads that dumb magazine. Haru has rendered him in soft flowing lines with just the hint of colour added so far to his hair. He looks strange to his own eyes, graceful and peaceful in a way he absolutely was not feeling. He’s never seen himself look that way before._  
  
_“Haru I.” He blinks up and meets blue eyes fixed on his reaction._

_“I’m sorry. If it’s strange. You were reading and I ...” Haru looks away, exposing the pale skin, the delicate curve of his neck. “I was going to show you them. When I was ready.”_

_His words are so soft Rin leans in further to hear them, Haru’s mouth pulled down in a small unhappy pout._ Them? _he thinks absently and too late realises that Haru is still stretched out beneath him, faces dangerously close._  
_  
He’s not even sure who moves first - he hopes to god they move at the same time - but suddenly their lips are pressed together and he is kissing Haru. Haru is kissing him. His hands come up to cup Haru’s face, fingers fumblingly tracing his jaw and his eyes are screwed shut so tight it just adds to the sense that a whole firework display has just gone off behind his eyes._

_It doesn’t last long. Rin just about has time to register that Haru’s lips are - if possible - even softer than he has been imagining them to be, when Haru pulls away,_

_His blue eyes are almost black, blown so wide with shock. Rin can feel his heart pounding._ _  
_ _“Rin I...” Haru starts._

 _And Rin begins to panic. Doesn’t want to hear what Haru is going to say next just incase it turns out they didn’t move together at all. Maybe he’s just thrown himself at Haruka Nanase on his bedroom floor completely unprompted and_ Oh god _suddenly he’s not at all sure if Haru really has kissed him back. What if Haru is about to tell him he doesn’t want him in the same way. What if this is the final straw that leads Haru to conclude Rin is just too much trouble and he doesn’t want him in any way anymore? He pulls back off Haru sharply._

 _“Sorry. Oh god. I’m sorry. I’ll go. I should go.” He stumbles over his words, trips to standing and before he knows it he’s down the stairs and running out the door._  
_  
He thinks he hears Haru call after him. Thinks he hears footsteps. But he’s blind and deaf to everything other than the fear that he’s just made a horrible, terrible mistake._

_Why couldn’t he just be content with friendship. Why is he never just content. Because Rin knows despite all his bluster, his silly, safe attempts at flirting hidden behind humour that he’s really just a coward. Deadly afraid that Haru is going to break his heart. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if he’s just lost Haru for good. So he does what he does best and runs._

 

_As it turns out, it takes them a few days to address the kiss at all. A few tortuous days in which Rin can’t quite bring himself to text Haru, and knows that he’ll be holding his breath for a very long time if he relies on Haru to send the first message. Between school and practice they only see each other once in passing and there are too many people around to say anything so Rin just stares at his feet the whole time and lets Nagisa fill the silences between them._

_After that the next chance to see each other is the shared Samezuka-Iwatobi practice at the weekend. Rin can feel Haru’s eyes on him as soon as the Iwatobi crew enter the room. No one else seems to be acting any differently so he wonders if maybe Haru’s been trying as hard to pretend the disastrous kiss hadn’t happened as he has. But it also seems like far too much to hope for that Makoto wouldn’t know considering how close Sousuke has come to guessing the reason why Rin has been so quiet all week. Damn Haru-telepathy._

_Practice goes by in a blur of trying to seem captain-like while determinedly not watching Haru and simultaneously trying to work out if Haru is watching him._

_After, he waits sullenly in the changing room until everyone else has gone. He knows he’s being a coward, but normally he’d go to Haru’s after joint practice and there's been no discussion, no indication to suggest that will still be the case today._

_He hears footsteps approaching and sighs. Aii is probably worrying about him again. He makes himself promise he wont snap at him._

_“Rin are you coming?”_

_He whirls round to see Haru stood there looking unfairly gorgeous for someone who just endured a 90 minute thrashing in the pool._ How does the guy never even seem to get goggle marks? It’s universally unfair.

" _Coming where?”_

_“To mine. Everyone else left. I’ve been waiting for you.”_

_Rin blinks foolishly._

_“Oh… I didn’t think.”_

_Haru’s lips set in a tight line, annoyed. Rin bites his own._ Does this mean they they going to have to talk about this now?

_But before he has chance to protest, to deliver an excuse or- hell even just to take off at a flying sprint and get as far away as possible - Haru steps forward. He reaches up to cup the back of Rin’s head, knotting a hand in Rin’s hair and tugging, ever so slightly so that Rin is forced to look up and meet his gaze. Then Haru lips are pressing firm against his own._

_There’s no mistaking it this time. Haru is kissing him. Haruka-freaking-Nanase is kissing him._

_He just about has time to release a small surprise noise of pleasure when Haru pulls back and fixes him with a signature glare._

_“Now are you coming?”_

_“Um… uh yeah.” Rin stutters out, but Haru is already walking._

_So Rin follows him, feeling like a bottle of soda that’s been shaken too hard, a foolish toothy grin plastered on his face._

I’ll follow you anywhere. _He thinks._

* * *

He woke in the middle of the night, sheets tangled in his fists, cheeks wet with tears he didn’t realise he’d been crying. He reached blindly for his phone and did the one thing he had promised himself he wouldn’t do.

He text Haru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So thank you if you made your way through all that. I’m kind of nervous about the chapter. Not only did it turn into a monster, but the idea of writing a technically non-terrible date for Rin with someone other than Haru and then attempting to write something with Miyako in that does any kind of justice to her was a bit of a struggle. (I also had several different versions of what I thought could take place between Rin and Eli before I settled on this). I also think I’ve spent too long fiddling with it back and forth, adding and deleting bits so I’m not sure how well it flows anymore. Really I just wanted to show Rin coming to realise that although running away from the situation and trying to move on is technically an option for him, it’s not actually the one he wants. And for Haru I wanted him to have an adult in his life show him that it’s really not him that was the problem, it was his parents. I hope it’s ok, or at least that it’s not too offensive if I have indeed got it wrong. 
> 
> Almost done with the ‘long distance’ portion of this fic. I am excited to get to the reunion!
> 
>  **Next chapter ******  
> Rin’s final weeks in Flagstaff bring some clarity. Haru works out some frustration.


	12. TWELVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:**  
>  This chapter contains some mature/nsfw stuff, although I *think* it’s relatively mild (?).

Haru flopped onto his narrow single bed, exhausted but restless from a busy shift. His thoughts were a mess. It didn’t seem real that only that morning he’d woken up in Rin’s bed. The long coach journey back to Tokyo, followed by a short sharp commute straight into the restaurant in time for the most hectic hours of the sunday evening shift meant it felt like he had lived at least three days in the past 24 hours.

He needed rest but he knew was wound far too tight to expect sleep to come any time soon, his mind too full of restaurant orders, of thoughts of his now closed up house.

Of thoughts of Rin.

He pulled on one of Rin’s old hoodies and found himself mindlessly powering up his laptop, an older model he had only kept hold of because Makoto had convinced him it would be useful and wouldn’t sell for very much anyway. He didn’t really acknowledge what it was he was looking for until he clicked onto his social media profile and found himself typing Rin’s name.

Haru couldn’t remember the last time he’d used his profile - Makoto had set it up for him when they started college insisting it would help him make friends, but Haru could never understand the interest so it had sat blank and languishing. Only now it offered him something else.

He clicked Rin’s name - his profile picture a flashy shot of Rin on Bondi beach in shorts and a tank, glasses on, casually holding up a peace sign. Haru had taken the photo (and the 27 that preceded it before Rin had been satisfied) and his stomach tightened to see there were relatively recent updates: a name Haru didn’t recognise had tagged Rin, among a number of other names that meant nothing to Haru, in a series of photos seeming to show the flagstaff training camp.

Heart pounding, Haru started to click through the pictures. Frustratingly Rin wasn’t actually in most of them, but he caught occasional glimpses - Rin tucked in the back of a group shot of swimmers, Rin watching a common room full of guys playing video games, Rin caught unawares in the background of a picture of two guys posing in front of a running track, looking the wrong way and half cropped out but still the most compelling thing to Haru’s eye.

Haru studied each picture carefully, wondering if in the shots of Rin smiling it was genuine or if in the shots of him caught looking away or lost in thought it signalled he was sad or struggling. He hated that the photos were his only contact, his only clue.

He found one picture toward the end of the album particularly compelling. The date indicated it was taken not long after Rin had arrived, the photo showing him and two other Japanese swimmers stood in front of the aquatic centre, arms looped casually around shoulders. Rin was smiling wide, chest puffed out looking proud. Haru couldn’t help but feel a small smile tug at his own lips in return. _You always said you wanted to go there, to see what it was like._

Then he clicked on and felt a flutter in his chest.

The next image was a selfie. A curly haired blonde boy - presumably the person who had uploaded the photos - was grinning in the foreground of the picture and flashing a peace sign at the camera. The caption read ‘ _Catching some rays with Matsuoka_.’

Rin wasn’t actually looking at the camera at all though, he was stretched out on a sunlounger next to the boy, one arm propped under his head, the other holding a book up. He was wearing shades, his hair still damp looking and slicked back from his face. His skin showed a slight golden tan to it, chest bare, the cut lines of his abs smooth and glistening in the sun. Haru felt himself swallow thickly, the familiar flutterings of desire playing low across his stomach.

Rin looked _hot._

He fumbled around, clicking a couple of buttons to try and get the image to zoom in only on Rin. Rin’s face was ever so slightly turned away in the picture, showing off the graceful lines and angles of his features. Haru’s eyes were drawn to his mouth, it was ever so slightly open, lips parted as if Rin were just about to say something. Haru bit his own lower lip, his mind on reflex conjuring memories of all times he’d had the pleasure of that mouth against his skin. The feel of Rin’s lips kissing, nibbling, sucking.  
  
Absently he trailed a hand against his chest, drifting down to loosen the clasp of his pants. He focused his gaze on Rin’s abs, on the defined V leading into his shorts. He was half hard already and Haru grasped himself with a gasp. Starting up a slow stroke, calling to mind Rin’s touch.  
  
It was strange really, before Rin he had never previously been much taken with self-pleasure - the odd times he’d found himself aroused had seemed random and been nothing but a bother. But Rin had unlocked something in him. He still remembered the first time he had touched himself with Rin’s face in his mind's eye. It had been not long after Rin had come back, that night that he had stepped out of the shadows at the old Iwatobi pool, so much taller and broader, all of a sudden with the body of a real swimmer and eyes sharp and serious and shadowed, but no less luminous to Haru. The need had grown for days, even as he’d lied straight out to Makoto and Nagisa that Rin’s return meant nothing to him. It had been confusing and tantalising and the release when he’d finally given in had been sharp and stunning. And from then on Haru couldn’t pretend that things were the same. Rin had left him as a childhood friend, nothing more (or so he had thought), but returned as a strike of lightning that had pulled Haru from all his thoughts of normality, jolting him back to life. It had been as if the axis of Haru’s world had tilted... he had wanted him then and he wanted him now.  
  
Haru stroked himself steadily, biting back a moan as he thought of all the times Rin had set his skin alight.  
  
The first time Rin had touched him, really touched him, had been the culmination of weeks and months of false starts. For someone who transmitted such confidence in so many areas of his life, Rin had been surprisingly shy and easily embarrassed about the inevitable evolution of their relationship from emotional to physical. It had taken a lot of stolen and hasty kisses in locker rooms and clumsy fumbles on Haru’s sofa - where Rin would spring away at the first noise incase it was Makoto - to finally build up to him being able to act on the fact he wanted Haru just as badly as Haru wanted him.  
  
It all came to fruition one otherwise unremarkable day. They might have swam, might have run. Haru can’t really remember the details. What he does remember though, what he cherishes, is the flush of Rin’s cheeks when he asked if it might be ok for him to stay the night. Lying about missed trains or early starts or some such. The way Rin had sighed against him when Haru had coaxed him into his room, into his bed. The pounding of his heart as Rin had finally reached for Haru, slid his hand lower until it reached the heat and hardness that had only ever made sense with him. They’d been together so many times since, but Haru still held that first time bound close to his heart.  
  
Because it had changed something fundamental in him. He’d never really needed or sought pleasure before - bodies had always just been bodies - but with Rin, he felt as if an unwieldy and insatiable need had been woken inside him. He’d never told Rin, but for that year that he was away in Australia, when they were neither technically together nor able to be properly apart, Haru had found himself touching himself so much more often. Even sometimes on the phone to Rin, Rin just talking about how his day or week had been with no idea that just his voice had been enough to work Haru up to the brink and beyond.  
  
Moving more desperately, Haru buried his moan in the neck of Rin’s hoodie, the scent of him was faded but still just enough, because for a moment it was really as if Rin was there, as if it was not Haru’s hand, but Rin’s that pushed him to completion.  
  
Haru’s head fell back, panting, as he allowed himself a few moments to enjoy the release of so much pent up frustration. But when he settled back down he looked around and felt a pang of hopelessness. He was alone in a small and crappy room in a slightly dodgy Tokyo neighbourhood having just messed up his work trousers.

How did he get himself here?  
  
Grabbing some tissue and performing a brief clean up job, he then stretched out to dig around in his rucksack for his phone in order to set his morning alarm. At least it was dryland training first tomorrow so he had at least a little more chance to sleep in. The battery had died somewhere between Iwatobi and Tokyo and he hadn’t had chance yet to recharge it, and so he plugged it in by his bed while he kicked off his clothes and threw them in the laundry basket, giving his training bag a quick check to make sure he had the correct kit ready for the morning before jumping back into bed, ready to try and sleep.

When the phone finally powered back on he reached for it absentmindedly, quickly setting the alarm then scrolling through the messages he’d missed.

Haru froze.

There were the usual few from Makoto, one each from Nagisa and Rei and one from Captain Watanabe, but that wasn’t what had caught his eye.

There were two messages from a number he didn't recognise.

Haru wasn’t sure why his heart had already started pounding, why his hands were shaking, but when he opened them up his pulse quickened further in answer.

_[That first time - did you kiss me back? I never asked you and I wish that I knew]_

_[I really miss you]_

His breath caught in his throat. _Rin_. It had to be Rin... Didn’t it.

Cautiously, he tried to temper the rush of adrenaline, quickly typing the country code into his laptop’s search engine to check.

+1. USA.

Before he had time to think about it too much Haru text back, fingers clumsy over the buttons as he rushed with his far too late answer.

 _[I kissed you back Rin. Of course I kissed you back]_  
_  
[I miss you too. So much]_

He couldn’t think what might have prompted Rin to break the weeks of silence only to ask about that, their first fumbling kiss, after all this time, but the question worried him.  
  
_Don’t do this Rin._ He thought. _Don’t get lost in your head. Not when I can’t be there to tell you the truth._  
  
He thought back to the box of memories hurriedly pushed under the bed in Rin’s room and hoped desperately that that hadn’t been what Rin had been doing. Sorting through them, picking at the threads and trying to find the holes - small evidences that maybe Haru had never loved him, or never loved him enough. That what was between them had always been finite.  
  
Rin’s words came back again to haunt him.

_Didn’t you ever picture us together like that? A year from now? 5? 10?_

How he had answered them only with wide eyed and silent surprise.

Because, no. The honest answer was that he hadn’t. But only because he hadn’t dared, hadn’t felt sure that he could. He had been too busy savouring the moments they had, every morning he woke up to Rin, every night that they were able to lie down together had felt like such strange, silly luck that to hope for more, all the while knowing his parents had an entirely separate life planned out for him, had seemed to be tempting fate.

 _But I do now._ He thought. _I see it now, I do. I’m sorry I’m late. Please don’t let it be too late._  
  
It _was_ late though, gone 1am in Tokyo and so Haru knew the chances were that in Flagstaff Rin would be in a training session or busy, but he waited breathless anyway, staring at the messages until, heart leaping, he saw the telltale three grey dots start to dance and stop and dance and stop. Haru watched them feeling like his heart was in his throat. Imagining Rin somewhere out there staring at his text deciding how to respond. Then finally a chime.

_[I’m sorry I left the way I did]_

And much quicker, a second chime.

_[Haru It’s so late! You should be sleeping]_

Haru couldn’t help but smile in spite of himself. That Rin would still even think to care if Haru got enough sleep had to be a good sign, surely?

He chewed his lip and tried to think how to respond. There was so much he had to say. Too much for over text, the chance, fleeting connection to Rin feeling far too fragile to risk with big revelations, declarations. He didn’t want to scare him away. So instead he tapped out the simplest thing that sprung to mind.

_[I’m going to bed now]_

_[What are you doing?]_

The dots danced far less this time.

_[It’s time for training]_

_[Sleep well]_

Haru’s breath was lodged painfully in his chest and he felt a pressure gathering behind his eyes. The messages might not be much, say much, but it was Rin… his Rin. Somewhere out there where Haru had never been and couldn’t properly picture Rin was holding his phone and thinking of him. Haru cradled his own phone as if it was made of glass that might shatter, then he took a breath and tapped out a reply.

_[I will]_

_[Swim fast]_

Then, finally, daring himself, he sent one more message.

_[Please come home]_

Haru fell asleep with his phone clenched in his fist. He didn’t really expect a further reply, but he was determined that should that next chime come he would be ready, would be waiting.

 

The next morning he woke to his phone buzzing with a call from Makoto.

_“Hey Haru, did you mean to post that picture to your profile?”_

“What picture.” Haru asked blearily, only half remembering what he’d done the night before,

_“Um you know, that one of Rin by the pool. You linked it on your page. You know other people can see that right?”_

Grumbling Haru shifted out of bed and opened his laptop. Clicking onto his profile, sure enough he’d somehow managed to post the photo to his own page.

“Oh.”

_“Maybe you should take it down. Do you want me to talk you through it?”_

Haru considered for a moment. “No. Its ok. Thank you Makoto.”

_“But Haru, people can see that...”_

“Yeah, it’s ok. Um I’m sorry I have to go now. Talk to you later.”

Haru hung up with a slight smile playing on his lips. He didn’t care who else saw, but Rin might. Would know he had been looking, had been thinking of him. And more than that, as he opened up the message history on his phone he felt a flutter of hope as he remembered something else that had happened last night, the evidence in clear block text.

Rin had text him. Had told him that he missed him.

* * *

In Flagstaff, the morning after the gig Rin had struggled through his first training session of the day feeling sleep deprived and sore, his head whirling with the mix of emotions that had only been intensified by his date Eli. Eli hadn’t been joking when he’d set the set was a doozy. Rin’s lungs and muscles had burned so much he had almost, almost, been able to forget the pain that sat under his ribs.

The man himself had smiled and waved at him encouragingly from across the pool and so clearly didn't seem to be holding anything against Rin for his ending their date in tears. But Rin still felt unsettled.

He shouldn’t have text Haru. He knew that. It wasn’t fair or helpful to either of them. And yet... waking in the middle of the night, lost in dreams and tears and nightmares, it had felt urgent, important to know if that day, when he had kissed Haru and then run, had it all been in his head? The return of pressure. Had the look in Haru’s eyes been shock or desire? He’d felt so desperate to understand that he’d sent the messages before reason could catch up to emotion.

Now though he just felt ashamed of himself. When he had risen in the morning to find no reply he honestly hadn’t been sure if he felt more relieved or disappointed. He didn’t suppose he really deserved a response after the weeks of silence, but he wondered if Haru had seen the messages all the same.

In the locker rooms Rin changed quickly and tried to slip unnoticed from the centre. He wasn’t sure he felt ready to run into Eli - as kind as he had been - and knew he was unlikely to be any form of company to anyone else.

He was about to shove his phone into his pocket when he noticed a notification blinking.

Two messages.

Haru.

A reply.

He felt like someone had just gripped his heart in a fist and he froze, finger hesitating. He swiped open and was met with six simple words that were enough to make it feel as if the ground had just shifted.

_[I miss you too. So much]_

Then above that, timestamped just before the first message.

_[I kissed you back Rin. Of course I kissed you back.]_

Rin held his breath, heart pounding for a few moments before it was as if his fingers took over for him, hastily tapping out _[I’m sorry I left the way I did]_ before pressing send and swallowing heavily.

He looked at the two messages one after the other. Then noticed the timestamp and frowned. What on earth was Haru still doing up at that time? It had to be the middle of the night in Tokyo. Didn’t he have training in a few hours? Without questioning it he quickly tapped out a second message. [ _Haru it’s so late! You should be sleeping]_

The reply was almost instantaneous.

_[I’m going to bed now.]_

_[What are you doing?]_

Rin hesitated. Was this really what they were doing? Shooting the breeze as if nothing had happened? And yet… the lure of talking to Haru. Of knowing Haru was on the other end of the conversation was too much to ignore.

_[It’s time for training]_

And then because that had seemed far too blunt.

_[Sleep well]_

He didn’t have to wait long for a reply.

_[I will]_

_[Swim fast]_

And then.

_[Please come home]_

Rin felt a wave of too many mixed up emotions crash over him. Longing, guilt, hurt, love. He didn’t know what to make of it. He couldn’t find it within himself anymore to feel hopeful so instead the text exchange left him feeling more confused than before.

Then there was the not-insignificant matter of Haru’s answer to his question…

Because if that was true, and if Haru really had kissed him back, why had Rin run? The memory was blurred by time and the question tugged at something unpleasant. It was a thread that Rin wasn’t quite ready to pull so he pushed the thought aside and hasily shoved his phone away.

He sloped back to his dorm deciding to skip the gym. What he needed was food and a nap. And to preferably wake up in an entirely different lifetime when his heart had never been broken. 

 

But he knew he couldn’t avoid it forever.

As the next days past and Haru’s final message - _please come home_ \- stayed unanswered on his phone it didn’t matter what he did - training, studying, hanging out with Eli - Rin couldn’t avoid the simple fact that it was rapidly approaching time to make a decision: return to Tokyo U for his second year or make a formal request to transfer his training to another facility and work to qualify for the 2020 national team there.

As much as he told himself he had options to consider - Osaka really did look nice and Coach Yamamoto has spoken highly of the training there -  he knew in his heart of hearts what his answer would be.

Because Rin had promised himself as a child he would do whatever it took to swim with the dark haired boy again. The one who was so fast he left Rin’s legs trembling. Whose eyes were so blue that the feeling lasted long after he had panted oxygen back into his screaming muscles. And now, on the cusp of 20, heart broken but still somehow beating, his younger self seemed to remind him of that promise. _You said anything. You said whatever it took._

And so what choice did he really have? And if he was going to return to his life in Tokyo, he needed to start taking some steps to ensure there was a life to return back to.

Which was how one afternoon he found himself blinking at Sousuke over Skype in some confusion.

The intention had been to speak with his best friend in order to sound out his decision to return to Tokyo and to see if perhaps he’d be willing to room together again once Sousuke’s summer let was up, but Rin was immediately distracted when Sousuke popped on screen decidedly not in his own apartment.  
  
“Er... Sousuke, why are you at Makoto’s? Is he there as well?”

Sousuke rubbed the back of his neck looking caught. “Well hello to you too. Makoto’s not here he’s teaching. He er… he lent me his place to get some work done. My apartment is too noisy. Jeez how can you tell anyway?”

Rin cocked a brow, deciding not to mention the fact it was incredibly early in Tokyo and Sousuke also appeared to be wearing one of Makoto’s jumpers and instead filed the information away to pester his best friend with later. “You know we’re going to talk about this when I’m home right?”

Sousuke shifted uncomfortably. “Whatever. There’s nothing to talk about… just tell me what’s new with you. You still coming home as planned right?”

“Um yeah. That’s kind of why I wanted to speak.”

Rin filled Sousuke in briefly about his decision, tactically avoiding any mention of his date with Eli and the two settled rapidly into plans to get Rin a new apartment. As it turned out Sousuke had already signed to lease a place alone - claiming he was ready for a little more privacy and independence - but he offered to make some enquiries to help Rin find somewhere nearby for himself and to help him move his things back out of storage when he returned.

Rin was just about to tease his friend about if there was any particular reason for this new sudden need for privacy ( _perhaps a tall brown-haired green-eyed reason)_ when they were interrupted by Rin’s dorm buzzer in the background.

“Hey wait a sec let me just see who that is”

Sousuke sat back with a smile and a sigh, allowing some of the tension he had been carrying for weeks ease. Even through the screen he could see that Rin looked more relaxed, better rested than he had in the time before he left. Although privately he had never really believed Rin was at risk of staying away too long, he was relieved to hear it from Rin’s own mouth that he planned to return and carry on with his team. _Now if Haru could just hurry up and tell him everything might finally be ok again._

Rin reappeared on screen with a blond curly haired man in toe.

“No it’s fine really… come say Hi.” He was speaking in English off screen, before he pulled up a second chair and manhandled the blonde into it.

“Sousuke I want you to meet my new friend Elijah - he was just dropping round to pick up some magazines - I’m helping him with his Japanese.”

Rin swapped into english.

“Eli, this is my best friend Sousuke.”

Eli waved enthusiastically through the screen then leaned in and whispered to Rin “He’s the one with the injured shoulder, right?”

The conversation continued between the three of them, albeit it in a slightly more stilted manner. Sousuke was pleased to see Rin with a friend, particularly one who seemed kind and funny (from what he could tell through the mix of broken Japanese and Rin’s quick translations). He was also clearly very fond of Rin, his arm slung casually over the back of Rin’s chair.

“I’m glad you found someone to make you laugh” he told Rin in Japanese, eyes soft. Eli seemed to understand at least half of it and scrubbed a hand through Rin’s hair affectionately.

And laugh they did, Eli and Sousuke despite the language barrier somehow managing to team up almost immediately to gently rib Rin in both English and Japanese to Rin’s immense displeasure. 

In fact, they were laughing so much that Sousuke didn’t hear the key turning in the lock behind him, the swing of the door.  
  
“Makoto, I’m borrowing the bath again,” came an all too familiar monotone in the background.  
  
Sousuke looked too shocked to move, eventually having enough presence of mind to try (ineffectually) to block the screen.

But it was too late, Rin had seen, the laughter dying in his throat. 

Haru stood stock still in the background, caught halfway between peeling his jacket off.  
  
“Sousuke... what are you?....” Even through a screen a whole ocean away Rin could still see the way Haru’s eyes widened in surprise.

“... _Rin?_ ”

Rin had locked up with shock, unblinking, mouth half open.

Eli moved to grip his shoulder. “Rin, Rin is that him?” he hissed in English.

Catlike, Haru started to dash towards the screen.

But Eli was quicker. He leaned over and shut Rin’s laptop with a snap. Rin still hadn’t moved at all.

“You could have told me he looked like _that.”_ Eli joked weakly, then noticing Rin still hadn’t moved gently squeezed his shoulder. “Rin, hey Rin are you alright? You’re shaking.”  
  
Rin came to life slowly, clearing his throat and nodding.

“I’m...fine. I just wasn’t expecting … silly really. If it was Makoto’s place of course he would...”

Eli looked thoughtful

“What?” Rin finally asked.  
“It’s just… well, he doesn’t exactly look like someone getting married Rin.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Well, he looked at you like...like he loves you Rin.”

Rin swallowed hard.

“Eli don’t. Please. I- he’s engaged. It doesn’t matter how he looked.”

“And he broke it off with you, right? Because of the engagement?” Eli spoke slowly, brows furrowed.

Rin stuttered. “N-not exactly. It was a choice. Me or his parents. If he had picked me he would have lost everything. They would have disowned him.”

Eli was still studying him intently. “Yes, but Rin… who exactly made that choice?”

Rin frowned, biting his lip.

_I kissed you back Rin. Of course I kissed you back._

* * *

Haru stared at the now blank screen. Sousuke stared at Haru.

Eventually Haru spoke first. “He looked...happy. That’s good.”

“Haru I’m sorry. Really. I wasn’t supposed to be here. But it was good news - he’s coming back. For certain. That’s why we were talking.”

Haru only turned and retreated to the bath. Sousuke let him go, texting Makoto with a sigh.

_[I messed up and you now have a sad Haru in your bath. You might wanna get home. If you can. Sorry x]_

Haru stayed in the bath for a long time, long even for him. He heard Makoto come home, heard him and Sousuke conferring quietly, heard Sousuke leave, and still he stayed.

He wanted to push the complicated mess of feelings seeing Rin had provoked down and away, like he’d always used to with uncomfortable things. Only he forced himself to try and untangle them, because it was Rin and so it was important. 

He wanted Rin to be happy, more than anything, and so why did a part of him resent the happiness he had just witnessed? Why did it sink in his stomach as something heavy and uncomfortable? Was it because it was apart from him? Or because of the way the joy had bled from Rin’s face the moment he spotted Haru.

Haru watched as the water streamed between his cupped hands.

Or, was it because of the boy that had been next to Rin? The same one from the photo online, his arm slung around Rin’s shoulders so casually.

Because what if Rin discovered that his happiness lay elsewhere?

Haru had told himself once, when Rin had left to rejoin his coach in Sydney and the length of their separation was unclear, that he would learn to live with it if Rin came to choose something other than him. But now he felt he wasn’t so sure. Wasn’t sure he was strong enough, selfless enough to truly let Rin go.

Besides, he knew deep down that was only what Rin was trying to do for him - letting him go because he thought Haru’s future lay elsewhere - he’d said as much when he’d broken up with him. And the thing was, Haru _hated_ it. Hated that even though he knew Rin had only been trying to spare him an impossible choice, all he had really done was take that choice away.

_I don’t need you to protect me, to spare me, I just need you to be here. To be with me._

If one of them was going to need to be selfish it may as well be him, he thought. He’d let Rin go once - too numb with shock at the reckoning with his parents that had come all too soon - but he wasn’t numb anymore. So perhaps when Rin came home he would just have to refuse this time to let him leave him. Refuse to accept any version of a future that didn’t include them together.

And yet…

He thought of his tiny crappy dorm room. Of the still too-close-to-empty-for-comfort bank account. Of the smell of fish and kitchen grease that now seemed to follow him everywhere. He felt like he’d been waiting for Rin to come back for so long and yet it suddenly occurred to him that maybe he wasn’t ready. Maybe he actually needed _more_ time. Because could he really ask Rin to chain himself to him when he still had so little to offer beyond more burdens and guilt? Did he even have any right to ask that of Rin after what he had done to him? to them.

It was all such a confusing mess and it made Haru’s head and heart ache in a way that not even the longest soak could combat. 

He wished not for the first time that Rin had just asked him outright to pick him. Had told him he didn’t care what it might cost him, because they had to be together no matter what.

But he knew Rin well enough to know that he never would. Rin who was so bright, so brilliant, so _much_ but always believed he was never enough.

Sighing he splashed his face. This wasn’t something he could resolve alone. And Rin had text him once. Surely it might be ok for it to work the other way?

He reached over the bath, rough drying his hand on his t-shirt before fishing out his phone. He tapped out a quick message, not giving himself chance to overthink it.

_[Rin. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.]_

It felt like a little eternity while he waited for an answer. But when it came it surprised him.

 _[No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to react like that. It was just a surprise]_  
  
Haru text back quick as he could, clinging to this tiny hint of connection to Rin.  
  
_[I really hate this.]_

He watched the grey dots dance intently. Rin seeming to type and delete his words over and over before finally a reply popped on screen.

 _[I do too.]_  
  
Haru chewed his lip, trying to think of something, anything to say in return. To keep Rin responding to him. What would he and Rin normally talk about?  
  
_[How is the pool in Flagstaff?]_

He quickly typed out and sent, feeling immediately stupid. Of all the things he needed to say, wanted to know, needed Rin to know, he was asking about a pool? 

But Rin replied much quicker than before.  
  
_[It’s incredible. You can almost feel all the history. All those records.]_  
_[You would love it.]_  
  
Haru could so clearly picture Rin’s grin, the way his incisors would flash when he was particularly happy.  
  
_[Show me]_

Rin sent a picture as a reply.

Ostensibly it was a picture of a pool. A very impressive pool granted. But the water wasn’t what captured Haru’s attention first.

The picture must have been taken through some glass doors or a window or some kind of screen, because there overlaying the sparkling blue was the faintest shadow of a familiar outline. Rin. Appearing to be in shorts and a t-shirt, holding up his phone in a way that obscured his face, but Haru could recognise him anywhere.

_[Beautiful]_

He replied. Then, lifting himself out of the bath he quickly snapped a picture of the water and sent it with the caption.

_[I can’t compete with that right now]_

Haru dried off and dressed before finally padding out of Makoto’s bathroom feeling so much lighter and calmer than when he had got in. He found Makoto sat on the sofa looking nervous.

“Haru you… you’re...ok.” Makoto’s expression turned to surprise. “Sousuke said you saw Rin?

Haru nodded. “He looked good. He looked like he was ok.”

“And… you’re not upset?” Makoto asked carefully.

Haru studied his hands.

“Sousuke says he’s coming home.”

“Yeah, just in time for the cup… about a week before in fact I think… says he needs to get over the jetlag.”

The mention of the cup sparked a reminder for Haru, a kindness he had yet to properly repay.

“Makoto I have a favour to ask. While the cup is on… do you think I might be able to borrow your apartment? Just for one night.”

Makoto shifted looking faintly uncomfortable, his cheeks flushing a little pink. “You...er you want to use my apartment... For you and Rin?”

“No. For Rin’s mom and Gou. They… were struggling to come. I thought if I could maybe pay for the travel, get them the tickets and somewhere to stay they would be able to watch him.”

Makoto looked relieved. “Oh! Yeah of course Haru. I’ll stay with Sou-omeone from my course. That’s… that’s really nice of you you know.”

Haru tilted his head, regarding his friend. “Wait, would you have still said yes if it was for me and Rin?”

Makoto squirmed. “I...guess.”

“You’re too nice Makoto. You can say no to me sometimes you know.”

“I just want you to be happy Haru.”

Haru frowned. “Then... tell me the truth about something. Do you think I was a bad boyfriend?”

Makoto raised his eyebrows looking surprised by the question, then blurted out, flustered, “I assume we’re talking outside the whole secretly engaged thing right?” 

Haru glared.  
  
“Ok, ok, too soon for jokes. Sorry. But of course not Haru! You and Rin… you approach things differently sure, but anyone could see how happy you were. How happy Rin was with you.”

Haru chewed his lip. “I just… I don’t think Rin knows. How important he is. And I don’t know how I’m going to make his see… that I don’t care about what my parents take. I just want him.”

It was Makoto’s turn to frown. “I…I think he will. Really I do. When you tell him everything - everything you’ve done. How hard you’ve been working…. How could he not?”

“Do you think I need to do it in a… a _big romantic gesture_?” Haru said the words stiffly, picturing the romcoms Rin liked so much.  

Makoto shook his head gently amused at seeing the confusion flicker across Haru’s face at the idea of orchestrating something like that. “Haru, no. You don’t have to do anything fancy I don’t think. This isn’t one of Rin’s movies. I think you just need to talk to him. Just tell him the truth. All of it.”

Haru thought of the curly haired boy.

“But what I’m too late. What if Rin changed his mind? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? Or if he can’t forgive me...”

Makoto’s eyes softened. “Haru, Rin has loved you for eight years. I really don’t think eight weeks can change that.” But then his expression became serious. “But, if it does… if it does then I think you still need to forgive yourself Haru. You can’t keep working this hard, pushing this hard forever. It’s your life now. So you have to find a way to be happy no matter what Rin decides.”

“Hmmm” Haru looked away unconvinced. Forgiving himself didn’t seem like an option. Not when he still went to sleep each night haunted by the look on Rin’s face when Fumiko had introduced herself.

_“I’m Otsuka Fumiko, Haruka’s intended.”_

_“Intended for what?”_

 

* * *

Over the final weeks of Rin’s absence Haru did try though to take Makoto’s words to heart. He allowed himself to ease up, _just a little._ Tried to eat more, to sleep more. To take little breaks at work. Allowed himself to buy fresh mackerel on the weekend.

Mr Nakata still seemed very happy with him and even gave him a small raise and so instead of ploughing it all into his savings Haru opted to start paying a small fee to join a rundown pool near his new student halls, taking to stopping by there almost every day when he had a free moment, not to swim but just to float in the water, imagining the pool was just a great big bath.

He tried harder to appreciate the moments of happiness offered by his new life - fleeting as they were without Rin - his friends at the restaurant, finding his favorite routes to cycle to and from the training centre, the pride he felt at learning new recipes, new skills in the kitchen.

He didn’t dare admit it to himself, but it was as if subconsciously he was preparing himself for the eventuality than Rin would come back, but not want him back. For the possibility that his life without Rin was not going to be as temporary as he wanted. Because even then he knew he would not be prepared to bend to his parents will. He’d made his choice and even if Rin chose differently he would not waver.

And yet, his heart could not help but hold stubbornly to hope. The hope that Rin’s return would also bring it back to wholeness.

Because ever since that afternoon in Makoto's bath, after seeing Rin through the screen, it was as if something had shifted between them. Haru hadn’t told Makoto, hadn’t told anyone, but the weeks of silence that stood between them was no more and in its place a strange sort of daily ritual had been established instead: each day, without fail Haru and Rin text each other.

Just once. And it wasn’t any normal text exchange - there were never any actual words - but after Rin had sent the picture of his new pool, and Haru had sent one back of Makoto’s bath, somehow, without any explicit agreement, they had fallen into a daily exchange of photographs, reaching out across the distance to each share just the smallest part of their lives: 

Haru sent a sunset, Rin a sunrise. Rin sent a picture of cactus, Haru sent one of the poplars in Yoyogi Park, the first hint of autumn’s approach starting to turn the leaves from green to brown.

They themselves never featured in any of the pictures they sent - the closest had been Rin’s reflection in the glass, or a picture Haru had sent that showed his hand holding up a copy of a particularly brutal swim set that Coach Mikitani had put them through - but it still felt intimate, private in a way that neither of them could put into words.

One night, tired and in the absence of anything better Rin sent a picture of his dinner - rare steak and garden salad. Haru sent one back of his breakfast - mackerel and rice. Rin resisted the urge to scold him for not having more vegetables, more variety. He didn’t want to break the spell, to stop whatever this was taking place between them.

Because he couldn’t understand it but he also knew he didn’t want it to end. Because with each day, each new exchange of pitcures it brought home just how much he had been missing Haru. Missing the way Haru saw the world. The unique way he had of quietly taking in his surroundings and finding something beautiful or interesting that most other people would just pass by. He’d always had such an eye for beautiful or unusual shots and his pictures were unfailingly more impressive than Rin’s own.

Rin wasn’t sure what any of it meant. Was too scared to believe it could mean anything at all really. And yet he couldn’t stop himself. It changed how he saw his surroundings. Gave him something positive to focus on, going about his days always wondering what he could show Haru next. What Haru might like.

And as the days counting down to his return dwindled, the anxious anticipation he felt at the thought of seeing Haru in the flesh again grew and grew, matched only by the increasingly hard to ignore questions about his version of their relationship that niggled at him.

_Haru had kissed him back and he’d run. Why?_

_When he had left for Sydney with no promises and no commitments between them, had that been something they agreed together? Or had he suggested it?_

_When they broke up, had he really given Haru a chance to explain? Or had he let Fumiko’s version of the situation become his version of what was true?_

_Had he fought hard enough?_

_Had he fought at all?_

_Might Haru have picked him if he’d asked… if he’d given him the chance?_

_If he could just be brave enough, might there be a chance for him to pick him still…_  

 

* * *

 

“So, have you decided what you want?”

Eli smiled, sunny as always as he and Rin wandered round the town’s central shopping streets.

Rin hadn’t told Eli about the sudden, strange stream of communication taking place between himself and Haru, but true to Eli’s words on their date, over the course of his last weeks they had settled as firm friends.

Which is why when it came to Rin’s very last days, there was only really one person he truly felt he wanted to spend time with, to say a proper goodbye.

Rin stopped outside the window of a tattoo parlour and peered in. “I’m not sure. I want something I can keep forever to remember my time here. It might not have come about exactly as I thought. But training here has been a big dream of mine.”

Eli caught his eye in the glass. “You mean a tattoo? You could always get my name right here.”

He pinched Rin on the bicep playfully and Rin shoved him back.

“Get off! No… actually I was thinking a piercing. Here.” He held the top of his ear between his thumb and forefinger gesturing.

“An earing huh?”

Rin shifted a little embarrassed.

“I’ve just always kind of wanted one. Ever since I used to see all the surfers have them back in Sydney. I just thought it might look...cool.”

“So why haven’t you done it before?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know… I guess by the time I had enough of my own money to do it it just didn’t seem like the right thing to spend it on. I’d kind of been saving for something important.”

Eli noticed Rin’s eyes cloud but didn’t press, instead walking to the door and motioning for Rin to follow.

“Come on then. No harm in looking.”

 

Rin walked out 30 minutes later his ear throbbing slightly as he forced himself not to keep worrying at the new small golden loop that sat there.

He reached his arm on instinct and Eli batted it away.

“Stop touching it! It won’t look so cool if you get it infected and your ear falls off.”

“So you admit it looks cool?” Rin smirked at him.

They made their way over to stretch out on a grassy bank, sipping juices purchased from a nearby kiosk and settling in to people watch. Rin trying not to focus too much on the new foreign feeling in his ear.

“You know you can’t swim with that thing right? At least not for like… 24 hours? When are you back at training in Tokyo?”

Rin made a face. “Monday. Jet lag is going to be a bitch.”

“And back to Haru.”

Eli let the sentence hang between them, watching Rin.

“Yeah… yeah back to training with Haru.”

“What are you going to do?”

Rin looked at his hands, long fingers curling inwards.

“I’m going to stay. Things with Haru… they may not have worked out how I want. _At all._ But swimming with him. Training in Tokyo. Going to the Olympics with him. It's still my dream… even if we can’t be together.’

He took a breath and swallowed, considering how he could explain the other idea that had been playing on his mind. “Because I’ve been thinking. Even if I can’t ask him to pick me - not with everything he would lose - I can still pick him, right? Even if it’s not in the way I hoped.”

Eli looked confused. “Rin… you’re not making much sense?”

“I mean I can still try and be there for him. Be in his life….If it’s not too late. If he’ll have me. Because if this is really what Haru has to do to for his parents I think he’s going to need support. And I realised something being here...I don’t want that to just be other people’s responsibility. Makoto, Sousuke… it should be my job too. I want it to be. I want him in my life still. And to be in his. Anyway I can. So... that’s my decision.”

He looked up to find Eli was staring at him.

“Jesus Rin. You really are a romantic…. So you’re... you’re just going to watch him marry some girl and be friends and you’ll be ok with that?”

Rin nodded grimly. “If that’s how it has to be. The only way we can still be in each other lives, then yes. I’ll make it ok.”

Rin meant it too. He’d not just thought about it, he’d forced himself to picture it all. Haru’s mouth against Fumiko’s. Her lips against the smooth pale skin of his throat. A tangle of limbs. A wedding. Children someday perhaps, impossibly beautiful because how could they not be?

It was like putting his hand on a hot plate, only instead of pulling away he pressed down. Hard. Because he knew he’d still rather see all that. Keep seeing it every time he closed his eyes than never see Haru again at all.

Eli raised his brows looking scandalised.

“Wait! Are you going to go to his _wedding_?”

“Fuck no.” Rin declared flopping back. “His father is terrifying. If I never see his parents again it’ll be too soon. And I can’t… I can’t watch that.”

“But you’re still going to see him everyday. Train with him. Share the same friends. Won’t that...hurt Rin?”

“I... what else am I supposed to do?”

“You could just stay. Train here year round.” Eli offered. But Rin could tell he was joking. Mostly.

“Eli I…”

“Rin its ok it was a joke…”

“Wait let me say it.” Rin scraped his bangs back and fixed Eli with a meaningful look. “Thank you. I...want to thank you. You’ve been… really good to me. I’m really glad we met. I’m sorry I couldn't…. That I messed up our date. But you being my friend... it’s meant a lot to me.”

Eli flushed pink in the cheeks clearly pleased.

“Well Rin Matsuoka. You are a catch. Haru doesn't know how lucky he is that you care about him so much...and I really hope things can work out the you want. Just don’t… don’t eat yourself up in the process ok? You deserve to get a happy ending.”

“Thanks… but I think this might have been it for me.” Rin sighed feeling defeated.

“It’ll work out Rin. You’ll find someone”

Rin shook his head. “I already did. And I mean if I can’t with you when you’re - and don’t get a big head - pretty perfect for me. Maybe I can’t with anyone.”

Eli snorted “Well nobody has ever called me perfect before so I am absolutely going to hold that over your head, but also it’s early days Rin. You know what they say - it takes half the time you knew the person to get over them.”

The colour drained from Rin’s face  
“Wh—What?”  
“You know, the time you were into someone, divide it by two and that’s how long it takes to get over them. How long for you and Haru?”  
“E—eight years” Rin stammered.

Eli blinked and let out a low whistle.  
“Shit dude. You really are done for”

“Yep” he groaned flopping back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say a huge thank you for all the kind comments on the last chapter which I was feeling very insecure about (and actually, just all the nice comments and feedback on this fic so far. Really can't say how much I appreciate it <3) 
> 
> **Next chapter:**  
>  Rin arrives home. Haru must decided if, when and how to tell him about his broken engagement.


	13. THIRTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit late. Work is trying to murder me :)
> 
> Ideally I would have liked to spend a _leetle_ more time on the whole edit/ proof biz but I have a feeling work might cause me to need to go MIA for a little bit and I want to get to a *certain* point first if I can. Do let me know if you happen to spot any glaring boo boos and I’ll aim to correct!

Haru couldn’t sleep so he’d risen early and part jogged part walked the journey from his dorms to the training centre - he felt less nervous when he was moving. Because Rin was due back at training that morning. After two whole months, he would _finally_ get to see Rin.

His heart seemed to be having trouble staying put in his chest.

He’d spent much of the day previous distracted, tracking Rin’s flight as it crept its way across the pacific bringing Rin home to him. He’d made a lot of mistakes at work.

He knew Makoto and Sousuke had gone to the airport to meet Rin, and he’d spoken briefly to Makoto afterwards who hadn’t really known what Haru might be hoping to hear other than that Rin had arrived safe. _“I mean… er he was Rin… you know what he’s like after a long flight. I mean he looked good, tired and all. But he’s all tanned and seemed... calm. Calmer than before I guess. Haru...Will you tell him now?”_

Haru had paused unsure of how to answer. Of course he wanted to. He wanted to so badly. But he wasn’t confident how to best handle the situation. His life was still a mess, and with the intercollegiate cup set to kick off in just a week he wasn’t sure if it was the right time to be dropping another bombshell on Rin.

He just needed to see him first, he’d decided. To see how he was, how he was with _him_. He had the last photo Rin had sent him on his phone - a picture of his plane just before he was about to board. Haru had looked at it for a long time. _You really are coming home._  

* * *

_Haru turns the key in his lock trying not to feel too disappointed. Rin is back home, back in Japan, but because his arrival happened to clash with Haru’s busiest day of training and classes he hasn’t been able to see him yet._

_He knows it shouldn’t be as big a deal as it feels - Rin doesn’t really enjoy airport reunions or the public crying they tend to trigger anyway, and it's not like they haven't texted. One more day after months and months apart should matter._

_But it bothers him._

_Rin is going to be staying with Sousuke, at least for a few days, and that bothers Haru more than he’d like to admit too. Even though it does makes a certain kind of sense because Sousuke has a spare room ever since his roommate dropped out of law school and, as Sousuke pointed out, Haru never technically offered his place to Rin. But Haru had thought it was obvious by now he wants Rin by him all the time. So he can’t help feeling mournful about all the time alone they might have had._

_He’s not even really sure how much of Rin’s time and attention he is allowed to demand on this trip. Makoto, Sousuke, they’ve missed Rin too, deserve to get the chance to catch up with him. They aren't even technically together anymore - not boyfriends, although not exactly just friends either. ‘Lovers’ sounds strange to Haru’s ears, although Rin being Rin would probably find it romantic. It's not actually wrong either since both of the times they’ve managed to meet so far - one short trip for Haru to Sydney and one for Rin to Tokyo - they did end up sleeping together._  
_  
Haru had privately been hoping that - whatever they are right now - this trip might bring more of the same. He misses Rin inside out and nights alone with his memories only do so much to ease the want._

_He’s not even sure how long Rin will be staying for this time - he hadn’t said and Haru hadn’t asked, knowing that any answer other than ‘forever’ would be disappointing. And now, knowing that Rin is in Tokyo but not with him triggers some strange anxiety he hasn’t felt in a long time. Because what if something has shifted over these last months? What if Rin has changed? Changed his mind._

_Nothing has seemed off over text or email or their semi-regular skype calls, but Haru also knows he’s not always the best at reading between the lines._

_He just needs to see him, then he’ll know. He resists the urge to run over to Sousuke’s right then and there and instead pushes into his flat._

_Right away something feels different._

_It shouldn’t, because everything looks to be exactly where he left it and the lights are still off, but his heart speeds up anyway._

_Then he spots a pair of shoes that are decidedly not his own tucked neatly to the side in the entryway and its as if his heart forgets to beat altogether._

_He can’t see any bags or a jacket, so hastily slips off his own shoes and heads straight to his bedroom._

_He pushes the door open slowly and has to bite his cheek to stop himself from letting out some strange wimper of relief, of happiness._

_Rin is curled up asleep on his bed. Hood of his jumper still half pulled up but bright red hair poking out and spilling across one of Haru’s pillows. The other pillow is pulled into his body and Haru resists the urge to tug it away and take its place._

_He slips into the room and crouches by the bed, just watching Rin._

_He looks so beautiful, so peaceful when he sleeps. A different beauty to the bright, fierce, almost dangerous beauty of the daytime. Younger somehow, and innocent in a way, as if nothing bad ever happened or ever will happen to him again. Haru wishes that were true, feels a fierce pulse of protectiveness over the man before him who feels everything so intensely._

_Rin’s lips are ever so slightly parted, long auburn lashes casting shadows over his cheeks. Haru reaches out and as gently as he can pushes a lock of hair off Rin’s face and tucks it back behind his ear. He should have known he couldn’t stop at only that though, and he finds himself instead lightly combing his fingers through Rin’s hair, pushing the hood away to reveal more of the silky strands. There are so many shades of red - ruby, burgundy, carmine, wine - that Haru just knows he’s going to need to paint Rin again._

_But at that moment Rin starts to stir, shifting into the touch before making a few unreasonably cute snuffling noises as he slowly starts to wake. Haru pulls his hand back slightly, just incase, and watches as Rin’s lashes flutter, as his eyes open, dazed and unfocused at first before they lock onto Haru’s and soften._

_“Oh...hey.” He smiles dozily, and then seems to remember where he is. “Um, Makoto gave me your spare key. I hope it’s ok? I didn’t mean to fall asleep I just ... there was a baby on the flight screaming the whole time and … well I wanted to see you today.”_  
_  
“It’s ok.” Is as much as Haru can manage, chest tightening._

_Rin pushes the pillow away so he can reach out to fiddle with the string on Haru’s hoodie, then he smiles again and tugs._

_“Come here.”_

_Haru is unceremoniously pulled forward, toppling so he is sprawled half on top of Rin and half still hanging off the bed. It’s not exactly comfortable, but Haru thinks he might be happy to stay like that for the rest of his life anyway, the heat of Rin’s body seeping into him as he hugs him close, burying his face in Haru’s neck._

_“Hey.’ Rin repeats and Haru smiles into his hair._

_Then he pulls away slightly, pushing Rin’s bangs back out of his face with one hand while he looks over his face intently. Rin stares up at him, brow slightly furrowed in confusion as Haru’s eyes travel over his face, serious and full of focus._

_“You’ve got new freckles.” Haru eventually concludes, tone slightly accusing._  
_  
Rin’s skin underneath the freckles in question flushes pink._

_“Yeah...well summer just ended over there when I left. It’s not like I can help it. I wear sunscreen!”_

_Haru still frowns at them, they are lovely of course, but he feels an urgent need to burn them into his memory now. Doesn’t like the idea that the Rin he’s been picturing in his head has been inaccurate, even slightly._

_He traces them slowly with his fingers, before following the curve of Rin’s jaw and moving to press his index finger to Rin’s bottom lip, gently pulling down. Rin watches him, and then Haru slips his finger inside._  
  
_“Haru what are you...”_  
_Rin’s voice comes out muffled, obstructed._  
  
_Haru hums thoughtfully. “I want to see if anything else changed.”_  
  
_Rin groans a little but submits to the examination as Haru explores Rin’s mouth with his finger, tracing over his bottom teeth and then repeating the exercise with the top ones before pushing in a little further to stroke over Rin’s tongue. Rin shifts an arm from Haru’s back, stroking lower before creeping under Haru’s hoodie and starting his own examination of the channel of Haru’s spine._  
  
_Haru shivers a little in pleasure at the feeling of Rin’s fingers against his skin before he finally pulls away, satisfied that Rin’s sparkly sharp white teeth are, in fact, as he remembers them._  
  
_“You’re really weird sometime, you know that?” Rin’s tone is light but his eyes are dark and wanting._  
  
_Haru seems to think about this, head tilted. Then he smiles. “Doesn’t that make you even weirder for liking me?”_  
  
_“Haru I don’t_ like _you.” Rin splutters, then quickly course corrects. “I mean I don’t_ just _like you...I-I love you. I’m in love with you.”_  
  
_Haru_ _sucks in a breath._ _It’s not exactly that it’s new information - hasn’t he known it on some level for a long time now, and didn’t Rin even tell him once already? Blurted out in English after his last visit, leaving Haru frowning and cursing his past self for not trying harder in class at school. But this is different. This is Rin, here, in the flesh looking up at him and saying the words out loud knowing that Haru will understand, knowing he will witness the reaction in full._  
  
_Haru finds he can’t speak and so Rin fills the gap, babbling._

 _“It’s ok. You don’t have to say anything now ... I mean you don’t have to say it back or anything ...I just... thought you should know? And well I’ve been thinking ... I don’t think I want to do this for two more years. Things in Sydney ... it’s been going well. It’s gone well ... I feel like maybe I’ve put it to rest so maybe...”_  
_  
Any lingering disappointment Haru might have been feeling from earlier disappears. His skin seems to tingle all over. He feels a little dizzy._

 _“You mean... you want to stay? That you’re coming back? For good?”_  
  
_Rin nods, suddenly shy. “I mean... what do you think? My coach said he could make some introductions for the new school year. Maybe even to your coach… if that would be ok with you?”_  
  
_“Rin!”_  
_  
It comes out as a gasp, half muffled against Rin’s lips as Haru surges forward and kisses him clumsily, messy in his eagerness._

_If Rin notices the lack of finesse he doesn’t seem to mind, his hands grip against Haru firmer now, pressing their bodies close as he takes his own turn at exploring Haru’s mouth…_

_It takes Haru until later, much later than it really should - when he is watching Rin humming absently, making them both a snack dressed only his boxers and Haru’s apron - to realise in his excitement he forgot to say it back. To tell Rin that he loves him._

_He snakes his arms around Rin’s waist from behind and tries, really tries - because of course he does, he always has - but the words get stuck in his throat._  
_  
He knows it’s already too late - he passed the point of no return so long ago he doesn’t even remember what it looked like - but still, he can’t help but feel that once the words are out, once they have admitted this to each other, then it’s only going to bring the reckoning that Haru has been trying to outmanoeuvre all that much closer._

_So instead he presses a trail of kisses to Rin’s shoulder and hopes that he will understand their meaning._

* * *

By the time he actually arrived at the centre, Haru started to regret his decision to jog - he wasn’t usually prone to fits of vanity, but after two months of seperation it too late occurred to him that maybe he didn’t want Rin’s first impression of him to be sleep deprived, sweaty and dishevelled. He slipped into the toilets and splashed water over his face and hair hoping the wet-look might work in his favour and feeling nervous and foolish. He smoothed out his warm ups and gripped onto the sink, trying to take steadying breaths.

It was all going to be alright. He was going to get to see him and everything would be ok. It had to be.

In the locker room, Haru sat, legs jittering as his teammates started to arrive, trading jokes and groans and small talk. Haru stayed dressed in his warm ups and waited. Measuring his breaths, trying not to let worry overtake him every time the door opened and it wasn’t Rin.

As it turned out, Haru felt him before he saw him - as if the very molecules of the air had shifted, changed. His heart lurched as Rin entered the room.

The photos, the memories, the dreams, the drawings. None of it had done him justice. Rin looked _good._ His skin had an attractive golden tan to it and his summertime freckles were decorating his cheeks and the bridge of his nose like starburst. His hair was longer than he usually wore it, looking ruffled and windswept in a way that suggested he had just rolled out of bed ... or been rolling in a bed.

Rin had always been the most beautiful thing he had seen (though Rin frequently took exception to the descriptor) and the impact of that beauty on Haru hadn’t lessened in the slightest over the years he’d known him. It wasn’t even just his face either (although that undeniably helped) it was everything, everything that made him Rin. His energy, his heart, all the wonder and possibility he could see in him. It was his smile and the promise of everything that smile had to offer.

Rin paused in the doorway, eyes locked onto Haru’s automatically. But he was quickly surrounded, Haru far from the only one to notice Rin’s return.

Haru stayed back, nails digging into the bench, and silently trying to compose himself, feeling a shiver over his skin as he watched his teammates welcome Rin home, slapping his back and ruffling his hair and slinging arms around shoulders. Haru envied them such easy, natural touches. Had he really been allowed to touch Rin like that before? To touch him more? It seemed so long ago and suddenly like he hadn’t taken even close to enough advantage of that privilege. His skin burned with need to feel Rin against it.

Even as Haru watched Rin be quizzed about his time away, those dark eyes kept returning to his own, pulled together like two opposing magnets. Finally breaking away, Rin took a step towards him. Rin’s gaze was steady, and he tipped his chin forward a little as if bracing himself not to look away. Haru stared back, pinned. He forced himself to rise, to move to meet Rin halfway. He resisted the urge to grip onto something for balance.

“Rin. You’re... back?”

 _Strong start Nanase._ He’d thought so much, so many times, about what he would say to Rin when he first saw him, and none of the things he practiced including stating the obvious. It just turned out, as usual, that being this close to Rin seemed to short circuit something in his brain. He cursed the way his voice rose weakly to turn the statement into a question.  
Rin ran a hand through his hair a little sheepishly, aware that their teammates were all leaning toward them, still listening in interested.

“Yeah... I’m back. You’re.. you all are my team. I-I belong here.”

Haru let go of the breath he’d been holding.

“I’m glad you’re back.” he stated, only as it was the only thing he could think to say.

Rin ruffled his hair again awkwardly and Haru caught a glint of gold.

“Rin, your ear!”

He raised his hand automatically, reaching out to touch the small golden loop that had appeared in the upper curve of Rin’s right ear, but seeing Rin tense at the gesture he stopped himself midway, arm falling limply to his side.

Rin raised his own hand to fiddle with it self consciously. “Er yeah… It’s a souvenir. Kind of.”

Haru wanted to ask if it had hurt, wanted to ask if Rin had gone alone, if there had been someone with him. Instead he said simply. “It suits you Rin.”

“Haru can we go somewhere?” Rin blurted out going crimson. “Erm somewhere to talk…. after training?”  
Haru nodded, almost afraid to speak incase it turned out he had misheard. Rin seemed to relax a little.  
“Ok, great. After training then.”

* * *

“Gather round men”

Haru immediately recognised Coaches Mikitani’s ‘motivational speech’ stance and tried to stop staring at Rin from across the huddle of swimmers on deck and pay attention.  

“Welcome back to those of you who have been away for summer break. I’m pleased to say I have it on good authority you’ve all been working as hard as we have here, because it goes without saying that this week is _critical_ . For some it will be make or break for your chances to try out for the national team for a games to be held in _our very own city._ That is not something to be taken lightly so I want you to make absolutely sure you are clear on the taper programs myself and Coach Yamamoto have set for you. Any questions please come to us _today_ to get sorted.”

Coach Yamamoto began handing round sheets, each with the swimmers name at the top, their entered events and a personalised schedule for the days leading into competition.

Coach Mikitani paused while she did the rounds and then continued, voice serious. “Team, you’ve done the hard yards, the hours of training. Your bodies are ready. Trust in that. This week I want you to focus on readying your minds. You don’t need me to tell you this is a cruel sport. For the vast majority of you being invited to spring tryouts _will_ come down to a matter of hundredths of seconds. So no distractions. Just for this week I want you to act like the world outside of swimming,” Coach clapped his hands dramatically. “Gone! Doesn’t exist. I need your heads to be 100% in the game, 100% focused. Anything that isn’t swimming - needs to hit the backburner for the next 7 days and needs to stay there. Do I make myself clear?”

Haru looked over at Rin, at the determination on his face. Rin’s gaze was automatically pulled. Their eyes met. Then they looked away as fast as if it had never happened.

Haru nodded if only to himself, a decision shimmering clear and bright in his mind's eye. Rin seemed calmer now - even Makoto had said so - seemed focused and determined. And if Rin had managed to find some peace in Flagstaff, even some happiness (he thought with a sourness of Rin laughing with the golden haired boy over skype) who was Haru to risk that so close to a major competition by dropping the weight of his revelation onto Rin’s shoulder’s? Who knew how Rin could react. What that could do to his head… to his swimming.

No. He’d waited nearly two months. He could wait another 7 days. After the competition their heads would both be clear. Besides, if he won there was the added advantage that his financial situation, his prospects, would improve ... maybe enough not to guilt Rin into choosing something he might not truly want anymore. 

It was perfect.

... only it was awful.

He watched Rin scanning his taper programme, watched the way he absently batted back a stubborn strand of hair that kept falling across his eyes and felt the longing pressing against him.

He wondered what it was that Rin wanted to say to him and, for perhaps the first time in his life, Haru wished that the time for swimming was done and over.

* * *

They sat together on a bench just off from the training centre, looking out across a busy quad. Haru took Rin’s lead and kept his gaze carefully on the steps in front of them, on the stream of students going about their days.

It felt dangerous looking at Rin in any case - he wasn’t sure his resolve could stand it. Rin seemed more tense now, every line of his body taut, knuckles white as his fingers worried against each other, and all Haru wanted was run his palms down his back, over his shoulders, to ease the strain like he had so many times before. But it was different now, he reminded himself - he was the cause of it. And he still felt so unsure of if, when he told Rin, he was going to be making that strain better or worse.

He also found himself hyper conscious of the careful handspan of space left between their thighs. It was no distance at all, not really, and yet suddenly Haru had no clue how they would ever work up to bridging that gap again. So he fixed his gaze ahead and waited to hear what Rin had to say.

Rin cleared his throat a little awkwardly. “So how… how are you? How have you been?”

His tone was too formal, too polite. Haru felt himself wince inwardly. He examined his palms. “I’m... alright. Are you ok? You must be tired... from the flight?”

Rin nodded. “I’m... ok. A little mixed up, I mean it feels like it should be the middle of the night.” 

“Hmmm.” Haru hummed absently while shoving his watch hand in his pocket hoping Rin wouldn’t notice that he’d forgotten to switch the time back to JST from MST.

“Um, there is a reason I wanted to speak with you.” Rin started again sounding unsure if he really wanted to be there at all. “Something I wanted to say. If you’ll hear it?”

Haru’s heart sped up, he wasn’t sure if it was fear or excitement or some heady mix of the two. Rin turned, seemingly forcing himself to look at Haru. Haru met his gaze. He nodded and Rin looked relieved before his expression turned tense, focused again.

“Haru I-I did a lot of thinking while I was away and well… first off I wanted to say sorry. Properly, say it. For the way that I left. I was… was all messed up and I told myself I was making things easier by leaving. For both of us. But the truth it was for me. I was being selfish and no matter what… no matter what happened you deserved better. I should have told you I was going. And so I’m sorry.”

Rin took a deep breath and Haru held his own.

“And well, now I’m back I want to try to make things….ok. Between us. I don’t want to have to never see you again. So… I want to stay here. With you. To learn to be ok with... _it._ No matter what. If… if you’d be willing to give it a shot. I know you didn’t mean for things to turn out like this. That your hands are...tied. And so I… I forgive you Haru. For keeping it a secret. Do you think you could forgive me? For the way I reacted? The way I handled things? Because I really am sorry. It was just…. It was...a shock… but...”

Rin trailed off voice becoming so quiet and small. _Shock was an understatement._

Haru’s eyes blew wide. Of all the things he had thought Rin might want to tell him, an apology was the last thing he had expected. Or wanted. His guts twisted with guilt. “Rin I….you don’t...”

But Rin held up his hands.

“Please, I rehearsed this like a hundred times, please just let me say it. Because...well I want you in my life Haru. If you can still find a place for me in yours…Because swimming with you… going to the Olympics with you someday... it’s still my dream. And even if it couldn’t be forever I’m… I’m really grateful for the time we had together. So I want us to move past this and be ok. I want to try. Not just for us but for our team, our friends too - Makoto, Sou. I… well that’s what I had to say… what do you think?”

Haru wanted to laugh. He wanted to cry. Was Rin really telling him he wanted him still? Wanted him to be in his life that is, no matter what. Even in spite of all he’d done, all the hurt he’d caused?

He struggled to swallow around the thick lump that had formed in his throat. Rin seemed to take it as a bad sign.

“Haru… Haru say something. Please.”  

Haru felt like a battle was waging in his head. Half of him screamed just to tell Rin, _tell him now_ , but the other half looked at the ernest, nervously hopeful expression on Rin’s face and thought about everything that telling Rin would mean - asking Rin to face up to all that had changed in his life since he’d told his parents the truth of his heart. Because hadn’t Rin just said it - swimming, the Olympics was his dream. It had always been his dream. And doing well at the cup was critical to that. Haru couldn’t risk that everything he had to tell him - everything they would have to talk through, to set straight, to discuss - might jeopardize Rin’s focus on the competition. He thought of Coach’s words. _Anything that isn’t swimming needs to hit the backburner._ He would have to be strong just a little longer. Just until the competition was over.

He bit his tongue to prevent himself from arguing. From shouting at Rin that he didn’t want it to be ok. Not like this anyway. _How could it be ok if they weren’t together?_ Instead he dropped his gaze and looked at his hands, pressing his nails into his palms before facing Rin.

“So what does that mean Rin? You want us to be...friends?”

Rin smiled, but it was so weak, so far from the usual blinding brightness that Haru found it painful to look at. “Yeah… um eventually. I do. I just… I think it might take a little time to… adjust. It’s… its still... hard right now. How about we start at teammates?”

“Rin I don’t...” a clash of objections ran through Haru’s mind. _I don’t just want to be your teammate. I don’t know how to just be your friend anymore. I don’t want you to move on from us_. But he caught the slight panic in Rin’s expression, how hard Rin was clearly having to work to have this conversation. So he settled on “I don’t want to have to never see you again either. I want you to be in my life.”

Rin exhaled loudly and some of the tension seemed to leave his face. “That’s… that a relief. I’m glad Haru. Really. Thank you. And here, I er, got you something.”  

He rummaged in his bag for a moment, before very carefully unpacking and handing Haru a small potted cactus plant.  
  
“They had them all over the place in Arizona. Some of them were huge and had like... flowers and stuff. It was pretty cool.”  
  
Haru remembered from some of the pictures Rin had sent him. But he wondered if they were supposed to be pretending that hadn’t happened.  
  
He held it carefully in his palm. He pressed the fingertips of his free hand against the spines experimentally.  
  
“And you thought of me ...because they hurt?” He asked frowning.  
  
“ _No!_ ” Rin pulled Haru’s fingers away from the spines quickly then, seeming to realise what he’d done, dropped Haru’s hand to instead fiddle with his hair, worrying the long red strands that fell over his face. “Haru they live for a really long time. Over a hundred years sometimes. Even if you can’t be with it to water it every day. It’s...it can endure. Despite all the challenges ...” he trailed off weakly. “I think it made better sense when I was over there... but I don’t think of you like a cactus.”  
  
It took Haru a couple of breaths to compose himself. He gripped the small plant like it was a lifeline.  
  
“I didn’t get you anything.” He finally said quietly.  
  
Rin gave a little hollow laugh. “I’m the one that went away.”

Haru looked up again and caught his eyes.

“Rin, there are things I want to say to you too. Things we need to discuss. So, in return would you let me take you somewhere, to talk?... After the competition is over.” He looked around at the busy streams of students around them. “I mean properly talk Rin. Alone. I... want things to be ok too.”    
  
Rin looked terribly nervous then. But he took a deep breath and nodded. “Ok. After the cup. Let’s both do our best. And then I’ll listen to anything you need to tell me.”

“Rin I....” Haru felt it all bubbling up so close on the tip of his tongue. _I love you. I missed you. I want you. I choose you, always._ Too close.

“I have to go.” He bolted before his heart won over his head.  
  
Rin watched him leave, then folded forward and let the trembling take over.

* * *

  
Rin paused outside Sousuke’s flat and did his best to rearrange his face into something cheerful. The chat with Haru had gone ... better than he’d expected. He hadn’t even cried or thrown up or anything, even if being close to Haru again had sent every nerve singing, his body not seeming to have got the message from his brain that this was no longer something he could have.  
  
It seemed unfortunately that the distance, the time apart, had done less than nothing to reduce the want. The longing. One look at those bright blue eyes and it was if the floor had dropped out and Rin was right back to falling.

He’d seemed a little different though, Haru. Rin hadn’t allowed himself to look long enough to puzzle it out, but it was as if the body and the face he’d thought he knew as well as his own had over the course of his absence changed. It scared him. It was almost like being 17 again and, after having told himself over and over for weeks and months that Haru couldn’t matter anymore, wouldn’t affect him, being confronted with all his best dreams and all his worst nightmares made flesh, his heart stuttering wildly against his rib cage at him to just _do something._

But he couldn’t act on his feelings. Not anymore. And so while it was too hard, too impossible, to think in terms of weeks or months or years - a whole lifetime - Rin told himself him might just make it through if he could just focus on each individual day. One at a time, hoping eventually they would pile up into that magic four years that Eli seemed to believe would help free Rin of his heartache.  
  
So he pushed away any thought of Haru, of their chat, and squared his shoulders ready to start the work of making sure his friends believed him when he said he was ok now.

Opening up with the key Sousuke had given him he called out in his best sing-song (although the result was a little patchier than he intended) “Sou I’m back! Please tell me you have some form of caffeine in, I’m dying!” 

There were some muffled clunks and curses before Sousuke sprang out of the bedroom looking dishevelled and rather flustered.  
  
“Rin? What are you doing here? I wasn’t expecting you back so soon...”  
  
Rin paused half way between dropping his kit bag from his shoulder. “Oh, Yeah uh classes didn’t start back up yet... I can uh... I can go away and come back if I’m interrupting some-”  
  
Makoto sheepishly exited the bedroom too, not seeming to realise he’d buttoned his shirt wrong.

“Er... hey Rin.” Then the shyness dropped from his face and his expression lit with excitement.  
  
“Oh, Wait! Is Haru here too?”  
  
Rin frowned. “No .. uh, were you ... expecting him? ...” he gestured vaguely to their various states of mis-dress looking confused.  
  
Makoto and Sousuke shared a troubled glance. “We...er we thought you’d be with Haru today. That you’d be together. Didn’t you... see him?”  
  
Rin tried to smooth his features. _Time to show them just how ok he really was._ “No, yeah I did... we er. We talked. It went...fine. We’re fine.”  
  
“J-just fine?! Rin have you ANY idea how ha-.” Makoto spluttered leaning forward incredulous before Sousuke stopped him, holding him back by the shoulder, brow twitching.  
  
“Rin, what exactly did you talk about?”  
  
Rin looked between them both, wide eyed. He’d thought that they would be pleased there was a resolution in sight, but if anything Makoto looked... angry. Or as close to angry as he got.  
  
“We uh.... we’re going to try and be friends. I want to be in his life still and he’s willing to try too so...”  
  
Two very confused faces stared back at him,  
  
“What!? What choice do I have I ... I thought you’d be happy. And ... well I was hoping now we might all try and hang out together again. I’m ...I’m not sure I’m really ready to do it alone but I want for us all to be able to be friends still.”  
  
Makoto and Sousuke shared another look weighted with something Rin didn’t understand.  
  
“Um... yeah. Sure that sounds good Rin. Look I need to go, I’m going to go catch up with Haru.” Makoto hurriedly collected his jacket from where it had been haphazardly flung and started searching for his glasses, found eventually tossed under the sofa.

Rin blinked a little put out by the hasty departure. “Oh sure … uh Makoto… would you er-ask him about it? The hanging out? All of us? Soon? I’d...er like for things to get back to normal...ish.”

“Um… yeah Rin sure…” Makoto still looked perturbed and landed a glancing kiss against Sousuke’s jaw before heading for the exit.

Rin hated himself for the slight pang of jealousy he felt at witnessing the tender touch and so he plastered a broad smile on his face and turned back to his best friend.

“So uh... so you two are really... um, doing this huh? I’m ... I’m happy for you!”  
  
Rin didn’t think he’d ever seen Sousuke smile so softly. It was enough to chase the bitterness away. Mostly. “Yeah... kinda. What with all, _this_ going on we’ve er… been spending a lot more time together and things just… shifted.”  
  
“Well I’m glad one of us came out of this mess with a boyfriend.” Rin joked weakly, but the smile failed to reach his eyes.  
  
“Rin... is that really all Haru said to you? That he agrees he wants to try being friends?” Sousuke was looking troubled again.  
  
“Yeah but... it’s a good thing. When I left I wasn’t sure we’d ever even be able to speak again. This is... this is what I want Sou.”  
  
Sousuke groaned. “I give up. I need a beer.”  
  
“Sousuke it’s like eleven thirty?”  
  
“Yeah... well it’s five o'clock somewhere, I have one week of freedom before classes start and you just ruined my plans for the day.”

* * *

With the first perilous meeting over and done, the days started to pass painfully slowly as Haru and Rin tested the new arrangement, each wary and tentative of the new limits and boundaries. It felt unnatural to Haru and wrong. Getting to see Rin each day at training was at least an improvement, but they maintained a polite distance from one another, Haru doing his best to observe Rin’s wish for them to be ‘teammates’ even though it went against every urge in his body. He missed the ease, missed the closeness. It was strange not sharing a lane with Rin, or to see him working his strength training sets with a different partner.

He should have found it easy enough to be distracted - all anyone could talk about was the competition and their days were strictly segmented into rest, meals and lower volume, lower intensity training sets- and Haru knew he really should be focusing too, but he was utterly restless. He felt feverish. Instead he picked up extra shifts. He tried to sweat it out in the kitchens, in the pool, anything to try and make the time pass quicker, but the truth was his body craved Rin and anything else was a poor substitute. His skin itched with the need for him, these final days and hours of living with his secret suddenly unbearable to a degree it hadn’t been before.

He’d watch Rin tie his hair up into that small, bobbing ponytail of his and all he could think about was running his hands through the strands. _Will you still want me?_ He thought. _Please still want me. Because I want you. Only you. Always you._

Because he could feel it. He was so close. If he could just do well at the cup, earn the prize money, maybe attract some interest from sponsors he might finally be able to ask Rin to be with him without having to burden him. And if he just could hold himself back from distracting Rin these final days, if Rin could do well too then they would be one step closer to their once shared dream.

 _I am still a part of it, part of his dream,_ he reassured himself as he counted down the days, the hours, the minutes until their final races would be done.

 

One day midweek, grouchy and lethargic from the pre-competition taper and staring down the barrel of a busy shift Haru decided on a whim to stop at a cafe he and Rin had used to frequent fairly often when they could catch a few spare moments alone between training and classes. He only had about half an hour before he needed to head to his shift but he felt dead on his feet. _Just for a short rest_ , he told himself trying not to feel guilty for wasting money on coffee. Then he’d work hard and see about getting some extra time off after the competition. Time he might just be able to spend with Rin if he took the news of Haru’s dissolved engagement the way Haru hoped he might.

He opted for the cheapest drip coffee and tucked himself away in the corner where he wouldn’t be disturbed. Yet again he found himself thinking over how he would tell Rin, trying to work out the right way to explain. A way to tell Rin without causing him to feel responsible for Haru’s greatly reduced circumstances. He wondered if Rin might cry - _probably_ \- he thought a little regretfully. He wondered if Rin might let him kiss him. Or might even kiss him first. He felt his heart speed up a little thinking about Rin’s lips, how soft they always felt against his own.

He was pulled from his fantasising by a flash of red in the corner of his vision.

_Rin!_

He was stood in the doorway, hood half pulled down seemingly trying to decide if he was going to stay or go. Haru gripped his cup tighter feeling his breath catch in his throat. Rin’s bangs were falling softly across his face, still a little damp and he watched as Rin absently brushed them away, deciding to stay.

There was something a little thrilling about getting to see Rin when he wasn’t aware he was being watched. He always looked so tense when Haru saw him at training, carefully controlling himself, working hard at keeping the correct distance between them. At not catching Haru’s eyes. At never standing too close.

But here he looked more relaxed than Haru had seen him in a long time. He looked younger somehow, without all the stress and tension in his face. He watched with held breath as Rin stood in the queue, fiddling with his hair absently as he looked over the menu. _Cherry blossom green tea._ Haru muttered under his breath.

“Could I have a medium cherry blossom green tea please?” He heard Rin ask politely when he reached the server. He watched Rin’s smile. Noticed the way the server stood up a little straighter, eyes a little brighter. Rin counted out the change, apologising with a small laugh for the amount of small coins he had to use. The sound was magical to Haru. He watched Rin throw the rest of his change in the tip cup and move to the end of the counter to wait for his drink. He was drumming his fingers absently. He still hadn’t seen Haru from where he was tucked around the corner. He watched as Rin accepted his drink with a smile and polite thanks before, taking a deep breath, Haru stood up to walk over.

Right on cue Rin turned around, eyes widening slightly.

“Haru!”

“Rin.”

Haru watched with anguish as Rin’s brow furrowed, his shoulders raising, all the tension right back in his bearing.

“W-what are you doing here?”

Haru gestured to his now empty cup and fumbled for something to say. His heart was less than helpful, automatically jumping at being face to face with the object of its desire.

“I was just having a coffee….um taper.”

Rin still looked a little thrown, a little like a startled animal, but his face relaxed a fraction at that. “Yeah.. yeah sucks doesn't it. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.”

They stood silently opposite each other for an awkwardly long amount of time before a young woman jostled gently against Rin reminding them both they were stood in the middle of the cafe just staring at each other.

Haru opened his mouth to speak but Rin blurted out first. “Hey, Haru... I don’t suppose you want to….em, to join me?”

He looked anxious but hopeful. Haru felt his stomach clench. He was going to be late for work if he didn’t leave now... but here was Rin asking him to stay.  
  
Something in his expression must have betrayed him though as Rin started to back-pedal rapidly.  
  
“Oh, wait, you were leaving, weren’t you? Sorry, I ... of course.”  
  
“Rin I want to.” Haru flexed his fingers as he fought against reaching out. “Really I do. It’s just that there’s somewhere I have to be right now.”

Rin looked down at his drink, the corners of his mouth dropping a little.

“Another time?” Haru blurted out a little desperately. He could see what Rin was thinking.

Rin risked a glance up, a little surprised. He looked at Haru cautiously. Haru read the uncertainty in his eyes and felt it like a punch. When Rin finally spoke his voice was soft but didnt sound convinced. “Sure Haru… another time. I’d… like that. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Rin turned to find himself a seat, already digging a book from his bag and murmuring something under his breath about _only one thousand four hundred and fifty something days_. Haru forced himself to walk away, out the shop and head to work.

_I’m doing this for you Rin. For us. And soon I’ll tell you and maybe you’ll understand._

_I hope you understand._

* * *

Haru’s plan to work hard didn’t go so well. He was upset and distracted thinking about the way Rin had so rapidly tensed up in his presence, the way he coiled in on himself as if waiting for a blow. He felt sick with it. He made a few costly mistakes and burned himself quite badly on a pan, hissing and cursing as his skin blistered.

Mr Nakata had grabbed his arm immediately and held it under a frigid cold tap, not allowing Haru to move no matter how much he squirmed with the discomfort of the pounding of the water against his damaged skin.

Once he’d been there long enough Nakata wrapped the burn himself and sent Haru home. Haru felt wretched. He hadn’t managed to ask for the time off, and while he felt fairly certain Mr Nakata would grant it anyway he no longer felt sure it was right to ask after how kind the man had been, how the mistakes Haru had made that shift must have cost him and had left him one man down.

He curled up in his bed, his injured arm pressed into his chest and had terrible dreams, the pain of the burn filtering through to his sleep. Only it wasn't Haru that was hurting. It was Rin.

And Haru was the one that was hurting him.

 

In the morning the worst of the heat was gone from the burn and his skin felt a lot better, although his heart was still heavy and troubled by his dreams. He reapplied the cream Mr Nakata had given him and set out to the pool as normal.

In fact he had almost forgotten about it, too preoccupied by thinking about Rin, until he had stripped off in the changing room. He heard a soft gasp behind him and felt a hand on his arm.

Without thinking, Rin had reached and grabbed Haru by the wrist

“Haru! What happened? Your arm!”

Haru looked up at Rin, blue eyes wide and startled. How many days, weeks had it been since he’d felt Rin’s skin against his own? He almost swooned into the touch.

“It’s nothing Rin. Only a burn. I got distracted cooking”

Rin frowned staring down at the injured skin. Haru has always given cooking by his complete and undivided attention, how could a burn this bad even happen cooking his precious mackerel?

“W-wait here.” He announced and slipped past their teammates and out of the changing room. Haru stared down at where Rin’s fingers had rested against his pulse feeling a shiver run down his spine.

Rin reappeared only a few moments later carrying one of the facilities first aid kits. He motioned for Haru to sit and gently pulled his arm across to rest over his thighs.  

“You can’t swim with it like that.” He murmured by way of explanation, cheeks going pink and he studiously avoided looking at Haru’s face. “You need to have it covered or it might get infected. Here.”

Rin deftly and gently cleaned around the burn and then applied a thin layer of ointment and a waterproof burn dressing. “This will let it keep healing while keeping the water out.” He explained as he smoothed the sides down incredibly carefully. Haru watched his fingers working over his skin and tried to stay composed.

He thought of Rin’s gentle hands and how they had wrapped his injured knuckles after he had punched that drunken creep, the infinite care Rin had taken over him even in the midst of the most awful of situations.

He noticed a slight flush to Rin’s cheeks, eyes clouded, and wondered if he was thinking of the same thing. _I should never have walked away_ . He thought. _I should never have left you that day, never have let you leave me._

Even with the dressing applied, Rin seemed distracted and hesitant to pull away. He was only jerked back to the realisation that he was still holding on to Haru when Haru’s fingers curled ever so slightly against his arm.

 _“Rin”_ Haru breathed softly, staring intently at Rin’s fingers still on his skin.

Rin pulled back, sudden and sharp as if he was the one who had been burned. Haru watched as his forearms broke into goosebumps and Rin rubbed them away before crossing his arms over his body protectively.

“T-there... you uh, you should be good.” he stammered and gave a weak attempt at a smile “Just ... be more careful, huh?”

Haru nodded and lowered his gaze to his newly dressed arm.  
  
“Rin...” He bit his lip and swallowed back what he really needed to say. “Thank you.”

* * *

“Rin really, you don’t need to leave. You can take the bed and I’ll have the sofa until the competition is done.”

“Sou for the last time I am not kicking you out your bed! Besides Watanabe has a spare room for at least a month so I can stay until I find my own place. I- thank you and all for letting me crash but you wanted this place so you could be alone right? Or alone with Tachibana I guess….”

“Hey!”

“Are you actually blushing? Oi!”

Rin just managed to dodge the cushion thrown his way as Sousuke tried to distract from his faintly glowing cheeks.

Rin was in the process of packing up the last of his bags as he prepared to move in temporarily with their outgoing captain until he could find something more permanent. As much as it felt comfortingly familiar to stay with Sousuke the sofa at his new place was _not_ the most comfortable and Rin really needed to make sure he got a couple of good night’s sleep in before the contest started up.

“Oh hey I forgot, I got you this from Flagstaff too. Call it an early birthday present. Although I’m not sure it will fit your big head.”  
  
He threw a novelty tiny cowboy that he’d dug out from one of his bags over at Sousuke who caught it and put it on grinning.  
  
“So even the American coaches couldn’t thrash the jerk out of you I see. I heard you gave Nanase a cactus.”

Rin pulled up short. “What? How did you know that?”  
  
“Makoto. Says he’s been carrying it around with him all week like some kind of weird pet rock. Keeps pricking himself on it. Pretty evil Rin.”  
  
Rin flushed frowning. “That’s not what it was for. It was supposed to show ... urgh never mind.”

Sousuke rolled his eyes at him. “Only you would attempt to say ‘I’m still in love with you’ via the plant equivalent of a pin cushion, Rin.”

“I’m not… that wasn’t it either. Jeez it was just a .. peace offering. I mean… all of this has been awful. And yeah he hurt me, a lot. But I’m not completely dense. I know this it’s partly my fault too.”

“What do you mean? Where’s your secret fiancé?” Sousuke replied loyally.

Rin shrugged looking pensive. “I mean there has to be a reason he felt like he couldn’t tell me, right? All this time….” he trailed off, grief flashing over his features before he shook himself and gestured to Sousuke. “I mean, even you were too scared to tell me about your shoulder… I… I have to own up to that.”

Sousuke looked stricken. “Rin, don’t do that. I didn’t tell you about my shoulder because I knew it would hurt you and there was nothing you could do… it wasn’t because I didn’t trust you… and besides, Haru didn’t even tell Makoto and those guys are like… family. This isn’t on you.”  
  
“No it is.” Rin insisted stubbornly. “At least a bit. I thought we were ready for…more... and yet there was this huge part of his life I had no idea about. I should have tried harder to know. To make him feel like it was safe to tell me.”

“Rin ...I…” Sousuke floundered but Rin just gave a small smile.

“Well hey. I won’t be making that mistake again. And, no secrets from now on, ok? I want you to tell me things - any things - even if you think they might hurt me. I don’t want to be that person anymore…  like people feel like they have to protect me or that I’m just going to fall apart or go back to that... _place_ . I’m going to get my shit together and I want you to be able to tell me anything.”  
  
Sousuke turned a little grey, looking somewhat like he’d just put on a pair of wet socks.  
“Uh ...Rin... uh...”  
  
“What?”  
  
Sousuke pushed a hand over his face before scrubbing it aggressively over his hair. “URGH. Look. I agree no secrets sounds great but... well there is something... just... it’s not mine to tell. So you need to talk to Nanase ok? Again. And properly this time. Ask him what’s going on with his engagement.”  
  
Rin thought of Haru. _“There are things I need to say to you… things we need to discuss.”_

“So there’s more? That I don’t know?” Rin tried not to feel a panic at the idea of Haru slipping away from him. He’d known this was how it would be, why was he surprised? He supposed perhaps it was more wedding stuff. Arrangements. What if Haru was going to move away? Start his married life elsewhere? Join his father’s company? He felt a wave of nausea. _Would Sousuke be going to his wedding?_

“Since when are you and Haru such big pals anyway?” he asked, tone teasing to try and cover up the tremble at the idea of his best friend standing by and watching while the man he loved married someone else.

“Um, since you conducted a focused campaign of attrition? You can’t get pissy now that it worked. And Rin I want to tell you, really I do. But… I think you need to hear this from him.”

Rin swallowed hard and tried to school his features into something calm. “Yeah...yeah we’re going to talk. After the competition. For now we - I mean Haru does and I do - need to focus. I’ll... deal with whatever it is after. It’ll be fine.”

“What about tomorrow? Don’t you think it might be best to wait until after the meet? After you’ve had chance to talk? I mean, won’t it just stress you both out?”

Rin shook his head. True to his word Makoto had spoken to Haru about the possibility of them hanging out all four of them and they’d agreed to all get coffee together the next day so Makoto and Sousuke would have the chance to wish Rin and Haru a proper good luck before the contest started up. Rin was determined it would go well. That together they would prove things weren’t broken beyond repair. That they could still all be friends. He tried to still his heartbeat and smiled at Sousuke.

“Nah. I’d rather get it out the way sooner rather than later. Besides, its tradition to hang out before right? So nothing needs to change. It will be fine. Great even. You’ll see me and Haru will be fi----”

Rin was cut off by another cushion flying at his face.

“I swear I’m getting you a thesaurus for your birthday Rin.”

* * *

Makoto watched his two friends torn between amusement, concern and exasperation. They sat side by side opposite himself and Sousuke and the four of them had diligently been making polite conversation over rapidly cooling drinks. It didn't have any of the ease and casualness it used to, but it was the first time the four of them had done anything together in months and so - awkward silences aside - he considered it an improvement.

Trust it to be Rin’s idea. Makoto was surprised to find he had seemingly returned back from Flagstaff a bundle of kinetic energy determined to bluster his way through the tangled mess of their friendship group by sheer force of will. He’d said he was ready, but Sousuke privately hadn’t been so sure and so had been watching him all though their strange coffee meeting like a hawk.

Haru had been surprised but despondent at the invite when it was relayed to him via Makoto and had been mostly silent all afternoon, staring sullenly down at his drink. Despite his best efforts Makoto hadn’t had chance to speak to him properly face to face since Rin’s return, Haru typically running between work and training with barely a moment for himself. Makoto was worried about him… he wasn’t sure how long Haru’s body would put up with the strain he was putting it under, and he couldn’t understand Haru’s blunt insistence that it wasn’t the right time yet to speak to Rin.  

He was worried about both of them really, and Makoto wondered if either of them realised just how easily their body language betrayed them. The way despite his obvious efforts not to Rin couldn’t help but sneak glances at Haru every time he thought Haru wouldn’t see. The way Haru couldn’t help but lean ever so slightly in toward Rin, his body toppling toward him as if of its own accord leaving Haru constantly catching and correcting himself. The way they mirrored each other’s movements in subtle ways. When Rin tapped his fingers against the table, Haru’s flexed at his side, resisting the impulse to reach out. They passed back and forth hot water and coffee creamer between them as if nothing had ever changed, the only difference was the markedly heavier atmosphere as the four struggled to keep up a steady conversation while Sousuke simultaneously appeared to be trying to bore a hole through Haru’s head with his stare.

Makoto knew the unspoken news of Haru’s broken engagement was hanging particularly heavy around Sousuke’s neck now that Rin was home. Not telling Rin had been perhaps his greatest gesture of trust toward Haru in their uneasy friendship so far, but it didn't mean Sousuke was happy about sitting there with Rin being the only one of them still in the dark about that particular development. Makoto was worried about him too - between the pressure of his law internship and his sense of responsibility for Rin,  Sousuke seemed more withdrawn than normal, even more prone to grave silences and less to smiles. It prompted a pulse of protectiveness over him in Makoto that was new and as scary as it was exciting.

Rin meanwhile was trying valiantly to fill the significant gaps in conversation with jokes and anecdotes and was in the middle of telling a particularly silly and convoluted joke he’d heard from one of their swim teammates before Haru interrupted, his voice soft but enough to cut Rin off mid stream in surprise at being spoken to directly.  

“You’re wrong.”

“Huh?”

“You’re telling it wrong.” Haru continued, quietly insistent.

“The prawn was called Christian not Jason. It doesn’t work with a Jason.”

Rin blinked then burst into laughter.

“You’re right it was! How did I forget, now it makes sense!”

They shared a small shy smile, the rest of the world seeming to fall away, before Rin suddenly leapt up as if he had been given an electric shock.

“Ah crap, I’m running super late to meet Watanabe! I better go.”  
He looked around the three of them and a soft smile came over his face. Perhaps the most genuine one since his return.

“I’m really glad we did this. Maybe we can start to do it more again? After the cup? Sou - we should do something for your birthday. Together. I’ll plan it!” And with that he turned heel and dashed away, hair bright and bobbing.  
  
Makoto and Sousuke turned to Haru who was staring at his fingers.  
“So he seems...better.” Makoto started gently  
“We’re being friends - or well, ‘teammates’.” Haru said hollowly.  
“That’s ... that’s a good thing right? A start?”  
“No. He wants to move on.”

“Haru, don’t you think it’s time you told him?” Sousuke interrupted “I think he has a right to know. I was with you when keeping it quiet meant protecting his reputation with the JSF but he’s home now. You have to tell him.”  
“If he wants to move on that’s his choice.” Haru replied stubbornly. “Besides if he finds out now when everything is” he gestured lamely around “He’s just going to feel bad. Mess up his swim. He might be with me because he feels guilty. I want to show him it was the right thing. So he can choose. He can choose and not feel like he owes it to me.”  
“Haru... that’s... admirable sure. But you must know he’s only trying to move on because he thinks that’s his only option. He’s still talking like you’re getting married for goodness sake. And you haven’t corrected him!”

“Haru you can’t keep punishing yourself for this.” Makoto added gently “And I know you won’t want to hear it, but you’re punishing Rin too you know. He should know.”

“He seems to be doing just fine. At least when I’m not around.” Haru tried to sound grumpy, but the vulnerability slipped through.

“He is _just_ fine.” Sousuke replied levelly. “But he deserves more than that. He deserves to be happy. And so do you. Why are you being so damn stubborn about this?”

Haru exhaled disturbing his bangs. “Because I just ...need a little more time. I’ll tell him. I will. After the cup. It’s just a few more days. If I win I get money. Maybe sponsors. Maybe enough to not be a burden.”

“Haru, you have to stop saying that. It’s not fair to Rin - you know he’d never think like that.” Makoto cautioned him gently but Haru stayed firm.

“It doesn’t matter what he’d think. It’d still be the truth. Sousuke you know, you know what it’s like for him. Gou’s going to university soon. He has enough to worry about without trying to support me.”

Makoto turned to look at Sousuke expectantly.  
“Haru I get what you’re saying, I do.” Sousuke conceded. “And I know you mean well. But I’m his best friend and I’m telling you Rin should know. He’d rather know.”

“I just need a little more time. I’m so close” Haru pleaded.

“Fine. But you better do it damn soon.”  Sousuke grumbled shortly. “Because you know the longer you leave it the more annoyed he is going to be at US for keeping it a secret”

“I’m sorr—-“

“Stop it Haru!” Sousuke cut him off, slapping a hand down on the table hard enough to make the drinks jump. “Between your _I’m sorry’s_ and Rin’s _I’m fine’s_ it’s like having a conversation with a pair of robots. I want my friends back so just tell him, ok?”

“I promise. After the competition. After I win.”

“That’s all good and well, but what if you don’t win Haru?”

Haru jutted out his chin looking offended at the suggestion.

“I’m going to win. For Rin”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo we have a reunion but not a revelation. Yet. Please don’t hate me I promise I'm not planning on dragging this out for the sake of it - it’s just when I started this fic I always had an idea of how I wanted Rin to ‘find out’ and I’m trying to stick with it - I swear it is coming so very soon! 
> 
> * Apparently cacti are supposed to symbolise endurance and unconditional love because they can survive and thrive under tough conditions <3
> 
> ** Also, are the flashbacks included in this fic mostly just to give me an excuse to write scenes of them together when they are not? Why yes, yes they are :) 
> 
> Thank you as always for the lovely comments on the last chapter <3
> 
>  **Next chapter**  
>  Emotions bubble over at the intercollegiate cup.


	14. FOURTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I attempted to write a swim contest? Eek. I know I have got the event order wrong (in fact I am sure it’s even more wrong that I am aware) so please don’t go in expecting too much accuracy in terms of how meets work - I mostly just put things in the order it felt easiest to write or where I needed them to be for the main plot. It also required a bit more scene switching than normal which I’m not sure how successfully I managed so please be gentle with me :)

“Haruka! What on Earth are you still doing here! I thought you had to go and meet your team for the big contest?”  
  
Haru brushed the last of the carefully sliced carrots into the pot beside him and wiped his knife clean.  
  
“I do. I’m leaving. I just wanted to make sure the prep was done first as I’ll be away for a few days.”  
  
“You stop that right now!” Yumi demanded looking outraged. “We will be fine. Can’t be having you late to your own competition for the sake of a few carrots, now get out of here!”

Haru allowed himself to be shooed from the kitchen, only for Yumi to suddenly throw an arm around his neck (he’d become rather used to the manhandling by now…)

“Oh but wait! First the old man wants to see you in the office.”

Haru nodded, wiping his hands against his apron before untying it and folding it away. He removed the clips he had taken to wearing to keep his hair from his eyes and tried to smooth the strands down before heading into the small back office.

He had expected to see Mr Nakata alone, but was met with the rest of the restaurant staff all cramped into the small space.

And balloons. And banners.

_Good luck Haruka!_

He blinked taking it all in.

“I- you wanted to see me?”

Mr Nakata gave a booming laugh. “Since you insisted on coming in this morning, we couldn’t miss the chance to give you a proper send off.”

Chef Yoshiya let off a streamer, expression utterly unmoving. Yumi whooped loud enough for everyone though.

“And here, we got you something as a way to say thank you for all your hard work and to wish you good luck in the contest.”

Mr Nakata pressed a box into Haru’s hands. Haru looked around the small huddle a little bemused. Chef Tabata and Mai and Yumi all smiling warmly. Chef Yoshiya looking like he might be trying to smile too, but had forgotten how. And Mr Nakata looking almost… _proud._ He hadn’t expected this. If anything he had been concerned about needing to take time off to compete.

“Well, open it!” Mai encouraged.

Haru did as he was told, feeling his eyes start to water and cursing Rin for rubbing off on him. _Since when did he cry so easily?_

Inside he found what looked to be a slate grey two piece suit plus a fresh white shirt - a little crumpled from being folded, but made of good quality material.

He looked up a little confused.

“I’m not sure how this swimming business works, but you want to get sponsored right? So we thought this might help you in your meetings.”

“I… its too much. I can’t accept.” Haru whispered fingering the material. It was light and modern, so unlike any of the ones his father had insisted he wear.

“You are my most promising young chef Haruka, I can’t have you walking around dressed like a janitor.” Mr Nakata waggled a finger at him. “Take the gift. We can get it tailored to you if it doesn’t fit so just... Try it on and let me know. And we all wish you the best of luck for your contest. We will toast to your victory when you return.”

“I-- thank you. Really. I will do my best.” Haru battled to get the words out, feeling rather overwhelmed.

Yumi clapped her hands together “And we’re going to do our best to watch. Everyone here is behind you. We just know you’re going to be amazing. Now here, kiss for good luck.”

She slung her arms around Haru’s shoulders and planted a wet kiss just below his ear. Haru shrugged her off blushing but he felt warm from his fingers to his toes with the knowledge his friends at the restaurant would be cheering him on.

“And you tell your Rin good luck from us all here too honey! We’re all still dying to meet him.”

Haru allowed himself a small smile.

“Rin doesn’t need luck. He’s going to be incredible.”

* * *

Haru pedalled as fast as he could, kit bag slung awkwardly around his shoulder so that it kept bouncing against his hip. He hadn’t realised how much time he had spent trying to get ahead on the kitchen prep and now he was at risk of missing the transport to the hotel where his team would be based over the course of the three days of competition.

Even though the cup was taking place in Tokyo, Coach Mikitani had insisted the team all be based at budget hotel so he could keep an eye on them. Even though Haru knew at worst he could bike straight there, missing the team transfer would not look good. He pedalled harder, dodging through the traffic and praying for green lights.  

As he rounded the final corner, he spotted Rin’s red hair at a distance. He was stood outside the coach looking tense although relief crashed across his face as he saw Haru approaching.

Haru executed a flying dismount and quickly pulled his lock from his bag, Rin already upon him talking nine to the dozen.

“Jesus Haru! Where have you been. And what’s with the bike? They were almost gonna leave. I was starting to think you weren’t going to show! What gives? Can’t have that kid from Osaka stealing all your glory!”  

Haru tried to prevent the slight smile that threatened and look suitably contrite. _You waited for me._

He bent over to hurriedly lock his bike to a railing. It was less than ideal and risked being removed but would have to do.

“Sorry. I had some stuff to get sorted this morning.”

“Haru what could be more important that this? Don’t tell me you got stuck in the bath or couldn’t decide which suit to wear.”

Laughter, actual laughter bubbled up from Rin. Haru looked up and felt his heart flutter. But then the laughter quickly died in Rin’s throat and the colour drained from his face. He wasn’t meeting Haru’s eyes but seemed caught by something just below his ear.

“Er...Haru you’ve...you’ve got lipstick on your neck.”

Haru’s hand clapped to the skin eyes widening

“Rin...Rin its not…”

But Rin cut him off with a wave of his hands, a weak smile on his face that wouldn’t reach his eyes as he hurriedly turned to board the coach, knuckles going white against the handrail.

“Ah Haru it’s...I’m fine….just wash it off before Coach see’s or he’ll give you hell, ok?”

And with that Rin rushed to claim his seat next to Watanabe.

Haru bit his lip in frustration and sat next to Kenta scrubbing desperately at the mark. _Yumi!_

-x-

On arrival at the hotel, which was conveniently located next door to the aquatic centre, there wasn’t much to be done beyond completing athlete check in, making sure kit bags were prepped, grabbing food and turning in early. The next three days of competition were going to be intense.

Haru had a challenging set of events - entered into the 100, 200 and 400 free he would need to compete nine times - assuming he made all the finals (and he was planning too). It was only his coach’s insistence that had stopped him entering into the 800 too. He had figured the more chances to win the better, but Mikitani had convinced him it was more important to secure an invite to try out for national team tryouts by excelling in one or two events.

Rin seemed to have been given the same advice and was only entered into the 100 and 200 fly. Haru had tried not to feel hurt that Rin had opted out of the 100 free. He knew logically that it could have been decided weeks ago. Before they had talked. But it still felt like a bad sign. The 100 free was _their_ race, and he couldn’t help but feel the excitement of competition significantly lessened knowing he wasn’t going to get the chance to swim with Rin.

The first day was all heats and involved a significant amount of waiting around. Haru was used to it though - the strange long gaps of nothingness punctuated by mere minutes of extreme tension and effort. He passed his prelims for the 100 and 200 with relative ease, and managed to advance into the 400 final despite being new to the distance in competition.

Rin as expected also managed to advance with good times in the 100 and 200 fly, and his performances looked confident. The training camp really seemed to be paying off - both of his times were not far from his PB with Rin emerging looking comfortable, like he had more to give.

They kept their distance from one another though, separated by rows of teammates and supporters at all times. Haru knew it was for the best under the circumstances, but he was undeniably distracted by thoughts of him. About yet another misunderstanding between them. And he still found himself sneaking glances at Rin too many times. Glances that too many times Rin caught.

-x-

That night tensions were high, the first day done and over the whole team were facing either their losses or the prospect of the first day of finals and semi finals. Each member of the team had had to select a roommate and with Rin no longer being an option, Haru was roomed with Kenta. He should have been grateful really - Kenta was a good roommate, clean and considerate and didn’t let his own nerves about the competition spill over into irrational moods or weighty silences like some competitors were known to. If anything he seemed to come alive and out of his shell, happily staying down in the common area chatting with their teammates and speculating over the next days events.

Haru waited around too, pretending it was for anything other than the hope of seeing Rin, but as soon as it became clear he wasn’t going to show he excused himself early. He was feeling cooped up, too much time indoors and his excitement over being one step closer to the finals was building, thrumming through him, in need of some release.

He started to head up to his room, but at the last moment continued on to head to the small roof area, intending to get some air or stretch or something. But as he opened the access door he was pulled up short by a familiar figure silhouetted against the dusk sky. Rin was stood leaning casually against the railings speaking rapid english into his phone.

As if sensing his presence Rin looked up and floundered mid stream. He quickly ended the call, although Haru couldn’t make out what reason he gave, and put his phone away looking at Haru.

“Russell and Lori?” Haru ventured.  
  
“Huh? Oh, no. A friend. But they messaged. Wanted me to pass on their good luck to you.”  
  
“Hmmm.” Haru wondered if Rin had told his homestay parents what had been going on between them. “Tell them thank you?”

“Sure.”

The silence hung heavy between them. Haru looked out and down at the busy street below them to stop himself from staring.  
  
“You uh, you did well today Haru.” Rin’s voice was soft, almost lost to the buzz of the traffic below. Haru’s throat dried up and he struggled to reply.  
  
“You did too.”

He kicked his toe against the railing awkwardly. He didn’t want Rin to leave but he wasn’t sure what else to say.  
  
“You’re not in the 100 free.”  
  
He meant it as a question but it came out flat.  
  
Even in the dim light Haru could see Rin’s flush. “Yeah my free times have been a bit ....hit and miss since I got back.” _Since getting back to you._ He didn’t say. “Coach thought best not to push it right now. To aim to fix it up in time for National tryouts. Assuming I make it. I mean I’ve always been stronger in fly but I still... I want to swim it then. With you. I-if I can.”  
  
Haru felt the relief whoosh over him. Then guilt ... he hadn’t known Rin had been struggling. He hated that he hadn’t known.  
  
“I’m glad.”

Haru was just about to correct himself - to clarify that he wasn’t glad Rin was struggling - when Rin smiled and ran a hand over his hair.  
  
“Well. I guess we better get some sleep. Big day tomorrow. Uh... swim fast Haru. I’ll be watching.” He turned and headed to walk back down the stairs to the rooms below.

And so Haru only nodded and called after. “Yeah you too Rin. Swim fast.”

He looked out across the rapidly darkening sky and sighed. Two more days.

* * *

The morning of day two started for Haru with final of the 400m free. He’d managed to hold onto the leader in his semi final heat and was seeded 4th overall so was allocated lane 6.

It still wasn’t a distance he felt used to (as much as his general rule was that more swimming was better) and there was a lingering heaviness in his muscles which he hoped was just the last of the taper that didn’t help. By the time he hit the final turn he already knew that gold had escaped him.

He surfaced almost surprised to see a little number 3 next to his name. His swimming had felt wrong, off. Not relaxed like it should have, like he was having to try too hard to settle into the rhythm that usually came so naturally. Really, all things considering, 3rd should have felt like an achievement.

It didn't though. He watched as the winner was swept off to be interviewed and wondered how many sponsors would be bothered about a third rate swimmer in a college contest.

He tried to shake off the thought quickly enough to smile for the medal ceremony, but found it difficult to try and look happy and relaxed when his eyes were drawn automatically to Rin in the stands. He was clapping for him along with their team but his face looked tight and grave. Haru sighed and padded back the the changing rooms. He had a couple of hours until his two remaining semi final heats and sorely needed to rest and recover with something to eat and drink. He also wanted to watch Rin. The 100m fly semi finals were due to start shortly. He hadn’t had chance to see him much that morning other than across a crowded canteen. He wondered how he was feeling.

-x-

Rin settled into position onto the starting block taking steadying breaths. _Just like in practice. You’ve done this a thousand times before. Just do what you always do. It’s just another 100m. You’ve got this._

He thought of his teammates cheering him on. Of his mom and Gou hopefully able to be watching back home. Of his father, who he believed was somehow, somewhere able to look down on him and _know._

But then unbidden he thought of Haru. Of the lipstick kiss pressed into his skin. Of who must cheering him on…

The gun went and right away Rin knew he’d screwed up. It was maybe only a couple of hundredths of a second, but it was enough. He’d started late...

-x-

Haru leaned forward, nails biting into his palms. It didn’t seem possible. He hadn’t seen Rin fumble a start since regionals over two years ago. It couldn’t be happening again. He could hear his teammates around him shouting for Rin but he stayed silent, focusing intently on Rin’s form as he dolphin kicked under water.  
  
By the time he emerged he had already made up most of the distance he had lost, but he was still behind. All too soon they hit the turn.

Haru didn’t want to watch anymore, not really, but he couldn’t close his eyes as he tracked Rin fighting to make up time. It was going to be close. So very close.  

Five or six swimmers all hit the wall in a bundle, too hard to call. Haru craned his neck to see the scoreboard.  
  
Fifth. Rin had come fifth.

Haru felt his stomach knot. Rin would need to wait until the next semi final to see if his time was enough to get him through as one of the top eight swimmers who would progress.  
  
Turning back to the pool, he could see Rin was also looking up at the clock. Haru couldn’t quite make out his expression. If anything he looked a little lost.

But there wasn’t time to dwell.

Quickly the pool was cleared so the next semi final could begin and Rin disappeared out of sight. Haru’s nails dug into his leg. He was torn between wanting to watch and wanting to find Rin. He looked around their teammates, their faces all sharing the same shock and surprise Haru felt. Watanabe caught his eye and gave a small reassuring smile.

It wasn’t over. Not yet.

So despite every urge telling him to run, to find Rin, Haru stayed put. It was out of both of their hands and the result would be decided anyway in a matter of mere minutes. He wasn’t even sure Rin would want to see him anymore, if he would only make it worse...

He watched the next eight competitors line up and tried to size them up, but nothing on sight could tell him how it was going to go. One of their own teammates was in the wave, but Haru didn’t really watch the swimmers, he watched the clock, hand suddenly seeming to tick oh so slowly round, trying to work out if the leaders were quick enough to crowd Rin out of a place in the final.

As the times flicked up on the digital board in turn Haru’s felt like he might be about to be sick. First - quicker, second - quicker, third - no, slower.

It was a slower time. Rin had made it! He’d come seventh overall granting him a place in the final. Haru sat down heavily with relief, heart running as if he’d just finished his own race.

-x-

If there was perhaps any plus side to Rin’s almost-disaster of a swim, it was that Haru was so keyed up with unspent anxious energy that by the time his own semi final heats rolled round the idea of the chance to swim all-out for a few lengths felt like a blessed relief. They passed in a blur. He sprang forward, arching into the water and grateful for an outlet for all the roiling tension in his gut. Every stroke, every pull he thought only of Rin. _Rin, Rin, Rin._ If he couldn’t be there for him, comfort him, encourage him, perhaps he could show him something in his swimming? _‘I’ll be watching’_ He had said. _Then watch me Rin. I’m swimming for you._

Only that night the nerves turned into something less productive. Haru was restless, tossing and turning in the small single bed in his hotel room. He knew he needed to sleep - fatigue was already setting in and tomorrow was the big one. He had his finals for the 100 and 200 free and Rin similarly would be competing for medals in his two fly events, assuming the semi final in the 200 went better than his earlier swim.

But he was worried. Worried about Rin, worried about how he was feeling after his race. Uncharacteristically worried about his own events, about the sudden weightiness that the line between winning and losing held in his mind. Not for the first time he wished sorely that he and Rin were sharing a room. Rin would know what to say to him. And maybe, just maybe he could have offered some perspective to Rin too.

It could have been worse - at least Rin wasn’t with either Sato or Ando. In fact he’d seemed to be keeping his distance from the pair since his return. In perhaps the biggest hint yet that Rin was in strong contention to succeed the captaincy it was Watanabe who had instead been most often at Rin’s side, taking him more firmly under his wing. They were sharing a room for the meet.

Kenta had helped Haru shave down earlier in the evening which, while far more efficient, was significantly less pleasurable than when Rin would do it, and while Haru had known that it was irrational - that Watanabe was dating a lovely first year med student - he couldn’t help the hot pulse of some mix between jealousy and anguish he felt when he thought of their captain having been the one to do the same for Rin.

 _What do I have to be jealous about?_ He thought. The answer, blonde and smiley, arm around Rin, popped into his head. _I wonder if that’s who he was talking to?_

“Haruka, sleep. You have your finals tomorrow, you need to rest.”

Kenta’s voice came thick and dosy from the bed next to his and Haru did his best to still. Tomorrow could make or break everything. He needed to be ready.

He only hoped that Rin was too.

-x-

Rin stayed in the shower until the water ran cold, cascading down his back as he pressed his forehead against the tiles.

He wanted to freeze out the voice in his head, the part of himself that believed this was all inevitable. _Weak, you’re still so weak. Too weak. Too stupid, thinking you could do this alone. You’re nothing without Haru._

He heard Watanabe knock on their bathroom door. “Rin, I’m going to head for dinner. You coming?”

Teeth chattering, Rin couldn’t even summon the energy to call back, just waiting until he heard the door to their room click closed.

He couldn't be back here. Couldn’t be doing it again - messing up choking. Not after all the support, the belief in him from his coaches.

Not when Haru wouldn’t be coming to save him.

He closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing techniques. On the tools he’d been taught to try and shout the demons down.  

* * *

Haru watched the first few events of the morning distractedly, eyes continually flicking to the clock counting down the time to the 100m fly final.

Haru had tried to find Rin that morning, but he hadn’t been at breakfast and when he had finally caved and asked Watanabe he’d let him know Rin had headed out alone before the sun was even up, that he had claimed he needed some time to himself ‘to get his head straight.’

Haru knew that _time to himself_ likely included time away from him too, perhaps him most of all, but he couldn’t help the urge to find Rin, to make sure he really was ok. Flashes of memory from regionals kept entering his mind unbidden, of Rin hopeless, hurting, lashing out. He had to keep reminding himself that that was long ago. That they were different people now - weren’t they?

Eventually he cracked and excused himself from the bleachers. He made his way to the athlete only area and was about to enter the call room when he caught sight of Rin and froze in place.

Rin was sat leaning back against one of the walls, eyes closed, earbuds in seemingly oblivious to the bustle of swimmers around him. He looked calm, focused, face free of tension.  
  
Haru retreated quickly around the corner pressing his back against the wall next to the doorway and out of Rin’s eyeline, suddenly scared that he was the last thing Rin needed to see. So instead he stayed where he was, shut his eyes and willed Rin to be feeling as calm as he looked. Willed him to be confident. _You can do this. You’re amazing._  
  
“Nanase... Haruka, you ok?”

Haru’s eyes opened in a flash and he pressed a finger to his lips, annoyed. Watanabe stood in front of him, cocking a brow looking confused. Haru flicked his eyes to the side and Watanabe followed his gaze. Understanding flashed across his face.  
  
“He’s ok you know. He can do this.” He whispered, voice confident, reassuring.  
  
“I know he can.”  
  
“Are you ok?”  
  
Haru nodded.  
  
Watanabe looked unconvinced. “Look, you’ll do him more credit by worrying about your own races you know? Competition is stiff in the 100 and you got pretty lucky in the 400, anyone who knows you could see you were off your game. You’re an incredible swimmer Haruka. You owe it to yourself to focus on that today.”

With a final lingering look at Rin, Haru turned away and made his way to the stands. 

-x-

Rin stood on the block again, breathing deep to clear his mind of yesterday’s disaster.

After a night of soul searching, of tearing his hair out at how he could possibly have managed to be so foolish _again_ , he’d come to the conclusion that trying not to think about Haru was pointless. Worse than pointless. And so if his mind was going to take him there he’d decided he would at least try to direct it in a way that might be helpful.

Because Haru may be his biggest weakness, but hadn’t he always also been his greatest strength? And he sorely needed that strength now.

So he pictured the race as a relay. Not that it mattered who was handing off to him, it could have been Nagisa, could have been Aii, could have been one of his Sydney teammates - anyone really. But the anchor, the anchor in his mind was always the same.

As the three count started, he tensed ready.

_Haru, I’m on my way. I’m coming to you._

-x-

Haru could hardly believe what he was seeing. Rin wasn’t swimming, he was flying. At first a head in front of the pack, then a head and shoulders, then by the final 25m all out sprint he had almost half a body length.

The crowd was deafening, hardly believing what they were seeing either. It wasn’t unheard of, but it was always especially exciting when one of the swimmers on the outside looked to be stealing a win from the favorites. And after Rin’s performance in the semi-finals Haru knew many would have written off his chances as a real contender.

Haru felt his face split into a grin as he watched Rin prove them all wrong. He didn’t just win. He dominated.

Forgetting the distance between them, forgetting all that still lay unsaid, when Rin’s victory was confirmed on screen Haru rushed from his seat down to the barriers.

He watched Rin vault out of the pool, pushing his googles up, shock and pleasure lighting over his face as the victory sunk in.  

Haru tried to shout out to him but his voice was lost in the din.  
  
Rin found him anyway, face torn between conflicting emotions.  
  
Haru didn’t try to call out again, his ears ringing with their teams cheers, he only raised his right hand to press against his chest, palm flat against his heart.  
  
He thought Rin saw, thought he saw his eyes flick down, widen, but too soon he was herded away.

-x-

“Mr Matsuoka that was quite the comeback story! You almost crashed out in the semis with a late start only to pull off a convincing win. Can you tell us what was going through your mind?”

Rin smiled a little sheepishly back at the reporter, his gold medal feeling pleasantly foreign around his neck.  
  
“I... I guess... I guess it’s not the first time I’ve messed up in a race. And I’m no stranger giving chase. I ... I’ve had a good pers- good people to chase after. I was thinking about that. About them.”

“So what next? I assume you’re planning for the national team? For 2020?”

Rin laughed, charming not only the interviewer but the waiting crowd.

“Next up I’d like to not mess up in the 200. I’m only focusing on that for now. But after that, yeah the olympics is my dream. I’m sure it’s the dream of everyone here. And I intend to see it through.”

“Well we’ll certainly be watching you!”

Rin was released into the waiting arms of his teammates. Then Sousuke stepped forward and embraced him roughly, almost sending them both spilling. Makoto stood a little way off to the side watching and waiting for the signal.

“Sou you made it!”

“Of course I made it! Now what was all that drama in the semis! Trust you to want to make a big production of the whole thing.”

“Tsk don’t. I almost fucked it. Didn’t I?”

“Well thank god you’re not completely hopeless or I would have had to kick your ass and considering the shape you're in right now I’m not sure how easy it would be anymore.”

Rin’s smile faltered a little, and he hugged his friend again fiercely.

“I wish you could have been out there too. I- I miss swimming with you Sou.”  
  
Sousuke pulled away and ruffled Rin hair. He smiled and it was clear and untroubled. “Stop being a softie, Rin. Save your tears, you're going to need them. I told you I've made my peace with it. My life is good. Really good. Just remember who your friends are when you’re a big star and need a kick ass lawyer ok?”  
  
“Deal.”

Sousuke looked over his shoulder and motioned Makoto forward.

“Um there are some other people here to congratulate you too. You might need some ear plugs.”

Sousuke stepped aside, and as Makoto led the two redheads forward Rin barely had time to open his mouth in surprise before the tears started to fall anew.

-x-

Haru watched from the his position against the railing as Miyako stepped forward to embrace Rin, watched the shock and joy bleed into his features. Watched Gou pulling on his hair affectionately. Watched Sousuke laughing and looking a little awkward at being caught in a category 5 Matsuoka emotion-storm.

He felt a quiet warmth bloom under his ribs. Rin deserved to be happy, to feel loved. Miyako caught his eye over Rin’s shoulder and gave him a little wave, mouthing her thanks. Haru just nodded and turned away, wanting to give them their privacy.

-x-

It seemed after that that Rin could do no wrong. He paced his 200 semi-final perfectly, bagging an allocation in one of the two middle most lanes without even touching his PB. When it came time for the final, he had barely emerged from his underwater dolphin kicks before it became clear he was going to medal, and in the final 50m all out sprint there was no doubt about what colour that medal would be.

Rin won decisively and his sharp grin when he emerged shown he’d known it too.

Haru on the other hand felt off. When it came time for his 200m free final all too fast he found himself having to fight, really fight, to hang on to the lead and when he finished, gasping, he realised with a sinking heart he’d been pipped at the last moment, coming second by less than a hundredth of a second.

Losing wasn’t something he was well acquainted with, and yet somehow he’d managed it twice in one competition.

He watched the boy from Osaka, the one Rin had joked about, being interviewed and tried not to let the feeling of hopelessness sink over him.

_“But what if you don’t win Haru?”_

Sousuke’s words drummed through him. What then indeed?

He had one last chance. One last event to prove himself, prove his decision hadn’t cost him everything - swimming, Rin - that he could still have the life he wanted.

-x-

Rin watched Haru’s medal ceremony from the stands frowning.

“He should have been able to win. That guy from Osaka is good ...but something doesn’t feel right with Haru’s swimming today.”

“Silver is still really good though? Isn’t it love? And he got his bronze too.” Miyako rubbed his arm reassuringly.

“Yeah, but Haru isn’t second best at anything. Or third best. He should win.”

Miyako chuckled slightly. “Even against you? I’m sure he would be pleased to hear you still talking that way.”

“He’s not racing me. So he should win.” Rin muttered glumly.

“Well he still has another race. The 100 final is coming up soon isn’t it? I bet you he wins that one.”

Rin looked out at the pool, glittering as another round of swimmers disturbed its depths.

_You can do this Haru. I know you can. Show me. Swim fast._

-x-

Haru sat in the call room and looked around at his competitors. The seven people he would need to beat in order to get one step closer to a life with Rin all mirroring his own tension, focus.  
  
_I know you want it_. He thought. _But I’m sorry, you’re going to have to lose because I want it more._  
  
So far the competition had not gone as planned. At all. To some a bronze and a silver medal would seem like an achievement, but Haru knew if he wanted to be seen as serious, as a real international medal contender there was only one position that would do in this final race. He forced down an energy gel and tried not to gag on the sickly sweetness.  
  
All too soon, they were being called to line up, Haru’s qualifying time securing him one of the coveted middle lanes.  
  
The clamour of noise as they made their way out to the starting blocks was louder than Haru had expected. He stopped and turned, momentarily disrupting the procession of swimmers as he searched for Rin in the crowds. They locked eyes almost immediately. Haru jutted his chin toward Rin then looked pointedly at the pool. Even from a distance Haru could see the wide eyed surprise on Rin’s face. _“You told me to swim for you once.”_ Haru thought, willing that Rin understood what he was about to do. _“Now watch me.”_  
  
Haru heard the officials urging him on and finally turned away. It was time. Time to take control of his future. It was time to win.

He took up his position behind his block, stripping off his warm ups and placing them into the allocated bin. All around him competitors were throwing their arms about, mobilizing muscles, slapping their skin, but Haru stood still feeling an eerie calm wash over him. Taking up his position on the block he took a few quick, deep breaths to push as much oxygen into his muscles as possible. He heard the three count, he tensed back like a spring, then the gun went off and he dived.

It hurt. He had known it was going to. His mind pushing his muscles to a place they didn’t feel able or willing to go. It hurt more quickly than he was used to, more than it should, but still Haru pushed.

He hit the turn and time slowed down. He saw Rin bright and eager _“let’s swim a relay Nanase.”_ He saw him bristling and distant _“you’re going to swim for me_ ”, saw him cracked open and sobbing _“I’ll never forget the sight you showed me_ .” Saw him lying beneath him soft and shining _“I love you... I’m in love with you.”_  
  
And Haru swam. Harder, faster than he ever had before. He felt the water part for him, almost push him forwards. His lungs screamed, his muscles burned and his vision danced with sparks. He surged.  
  
His hand slapped the wall.

-x-

Before he had even surfaced he knew, somehow he just knew he’d won. So he didn’t bother to look at the scoreboard, instead he whipped his head around to try and find Rin.

The suddenness of the movement was a mistake though. For a moment his vision seemed to keep moving, dancing with spots at the edge as if threatening to go dark. He felt himself list towards the water again and gripped the lane line harder, trying to shake the feeling away.

But as he tried to vault out of the pool he realised things wouldn’t be so easy. He wobbled backward, vision threatening to darken again.

Coach Mikitani surged forward and caught him under the armpits. To anyone in the crowd it would have just looked like a coach giving one of his star swimmers a congratulatory hug - only the two of them knew just how much of Haru’s weight he was supporting.

“Nanase?”

“m’ok.” Haru mumbled finding his feet again and hurriedly pulling away before anyone noticed something was up. His vision was still a little off but he decided as long as he didn’t try too hard to get any one thing in focus it wasn’t so bad.

“You’re better than ok, you’re a new national record holder!”

“Hmm?”

“You broke the record! Nanase you didn’t just win… you beat Nobaru's Olympic time! You could have medaled in the last games with that!”

Haru blinked not really taking it in. “Oh. Could I have some water?”

Miktani’s expression turned concerned again.

“Of course... let's get away from all these cameras and get you sat down… that was some effort!”

Away from the crowds, Haru felt the strange fogginess threatened to take him again and Coach Mikitani quickly pulled him away into a private room and called for a medic. Haru sat bent double with a bucket between his legs feeling nauseous but also the first slow awakenings of relief.

_He’d done it. He’d won._

Yes he’d had to push too hard, and yes his weeks of poor diet and too much work had hindered him in the competition as a whole, but none of that mattered now. He’d won. He’d got gold. And a new record too.

He’d proven he could do it without his father, without his family. He had won for Rin.

His dream was still alive.

-x-

Rin could barely see anymore through the tears that were forming faster than he could blink them away.  
  
Haru had been ... unreal. He’d moved through the water as if he had become water himself. Against all the best new hopeful swimmers in the country Haru had been untouchable. They hadn’t been able to come close. The roar of the crowd has been deafening, and rose to a certified din once the screen lit up with the letters NR. Haru was doing it, making history as he was always supposed to. Rin felt like he could burst with pride, the pressure painful.

He wasn’t even sure if he was supposed to feel that proud anymore, that it was his place to claim any part of Haru’s victory as something of his own to celebrate. But that didn’t stop him from wanting to.

Didn’t stop him from wanting him. More than anything. More even than the gold around his neck that at one time in his life seemed like the be all and end all.

“That’s strange… looks like they’re delaying the medal ceremony. Where’s Haruka?” He was pulled from his thoughts by Gou, frowning as she pointed over to where the silver and bronze medalists were stood to the side awaiting the presentation. Rin followed her line of sight and saw indeed that Haru was nowhere to be seen.

A couple of officials with clipboards seemed to be conferring, and just as the buzz around the area started to grow - Haru's absence becoming more noted - Haru did finally walk out, Mikitani directing him. Rin was too far away to see Haru's face properly, but was struck suddenly by how small and alone he looked, bundled up in an extra jacket on top of his warmups and his wet hair stuck across his forehead.

“He... doesn’t look so good?” Sousuke remarked.

“Rin honey, don’t you want to get closer? Congratulate him?” Miyako asked, tone light but eyes rich with meaning.

Rin hunched down and shook his head trying to battle down the pressure still building behind his eyes. _Haru had done it. Gold. And a national record too…_ Rin’s heart was so full and yet so sore at the same time.

“Nah… I’m good here. This is his moment. He should get to enjoy it.”  

Rin watched Haru receive his medal, watching the light hit the gold, watched the crowds fall in love with him when he knew he’d been the one to do it first and felt his heart break all over again.

Because wasn’t this what he had wanted? Him and Haru winning medals, making their way in the world of swimming?

Only of course this was nothing like how he had wanted it to be.

Rin hadn’t known, couldn’t have guessed until that moment, that something so wonderful, something that should be so full of hope, could also feel so much like the end of the world.  

* * *

The medal ceremony passed in a blur. Haru stood on the podium still feeling a little unsteady on his feet and looked desperately for Rin, eventually finding him in the crowds - still stood away from his team with his mother, Gou and Sousuke, his own two medals still hanging from his neck. Haru couldn’t be sure but it seemed he was trying to hold back tears, Miyako resting a reassuring hand on his arm while she beamed proudly over at Haru.

If he’d had his choice, he would have jumped off the podium and run over there and then, but he was quickly whisked aside to be photographed, holding the solid gold disk up alongside his fellow medalists and trying not to blink too much as a dozen bright flashes popped off in his face every couple of seconds. He was then maneuvered to a branded backdrop, a camera pointed at his face alongside a woman in an alarming bright red suit.

“Haruka Nanase, you just smashed the national record for the 100m free, currently held by Olympian Noboru Wataya. Congratulations!”

Haru was busy scanning the crowd distracted. He’d lost sight of Rin. He didn’t want to be talking to the media. He wanted to go and find him. He turned to the microphone that had been thrust towards his face a little confused.  

“I’m sorry. What was the question?” He asked frowning.

The journalist laughed, red painted mouth stretching into a faintly strained smile. “Perhaps you could tell us a little about what was going through your mind out there?”  

“I wanted to swim fast. I wanted to win.” Haru decided on, wondering if he could go.  

The woman seemed to think he had told a particularly funny joke. “Hahaha indeed! Well you certainly achieved that! Does this mean we can expect a repeat performance at the 2020 games?”

 _Repeat._ Haru frowned. “No.” but then caught the faint alarm on her face. “I mean, if I were to be able to go, I’d like to swim faster.”

That seemed to relax her, she lent in a little conspiratorially. “I see. Now tell me something, it looked like you had a message for your fellow teammate and double gold medalist Rin Matsuoka during the line up, would you care to comment on that? Was it a challenge? A throwing down of the gauntlet perhaps? We see he was notably absent from the 100 free himself today.” 

Haru frowned. He hadn’t expected to be asked about anything but his swimming. But if he couldn’t see Rin just yet, maybe there was a chance he was watching.  
  
“Rin is the reason I am here.” He spoke slowly and clearly. “He has always pushed me to be my best. I was swimming for him today. For our future.”  
  
If the reporter had been expecting a comment, it certainly didn’t appear to be that. She looked delighted, if a little flustered and and unsure how to follow up.  
  
“Right. Um, well what a swim it was! Is there anything else you’d like to say Mr Nanase?”  
  
Haru turned and looked down the camera, inspiration hitting. “Yes, hello to my friends at the Mermaid's tale restaurant in Bunkyō. They have very delicious and affordable fish there. I encourage everyone to visit.”

Finally he was released. He headed back into the athlete only area, relieved to escape the crowd and was quickly surrounded by his teammates congratulating him (though Sato and Ando were conspicuously not among them). Makoto had somehow managed to charm his way in though, and hugged him hard looking misty eyed. "Haru you did it. You won!"

Watanabe barrelled through breaking them apart and threw an arm around Haru's shoulders. The team captain was on a high, having medalled in both the 100m breaststroke and IM.

“You are full of surprises Nanase. I never pegged you for a media darling. I think I even saw a few girls fainting.” He teased, slapping Haru on the back. “But you know you should really wait until they are paying you to start plugging things.”  
  
“Mr Nakata is my friend.” Haru replied absently, scanning the room desperately for Rin.  
  
“I saw Matsuoka heading to the locker room.” Watanabe’s lips twitched knowingly.  “It was looking pretty empty last I checked, if you hurry you should still catch him.”

“Ah.” Haru nodded grateful and slipped away.

"Good luck Haru!" Makoto called out smiling and waving him off, not seeming to notice or mind about the stares it earned him. 

-x-

“Rin?”

Haru called out softly as he entered the locker room section allocated to his university, wanting to announce himself just incase - mercy on him - Rin was only half dressed. He felt like this was a conversation that needed clothes.

He quickly saw Rin was in fact fully covered up, arms braced against the lockers and facing away from him, though he turned around as soon as he heard Haru’s voice. Rin looked startled, a little embarrassed to have been interrupted even though it was an open space. He’d clearly been crying. Haru took him in, feeling his heart squeeze.

Eyes large, lips pressed in a tight line but quivering slightly nonetheless. Chest heaving with too fast breath, hands clenched into fists but still shaking at his side.  
  
He couldn’t parse all the emotions there, but one thing was very clear. Rin was utterly overwhelmed.  
  
So Haru did the only thing he could. Acting mostly on instinct. He stepped forward and opened up to Rin, folding him into his arms.  
  
He felt Rin shake against him, Rin’s fingers curling into the fabric of his collar, his face pressed tight into Haru’s shoulder, words barely audible.

“We did it. But it feels wrong. It’s all wrong. _Haru_ -”

Haru felt Rin’s heart pounding. Took in the pain in his voice, the feel of his tears soaking through the fabric on his shoulder. He pulled back slightly and turned his head, taking even himself by surprise as he sealed Rin’s mouth with his own.    
  
It was an ugly thing, desperate and bruising and too full of teeth and tongue, but for a few heady seconds, Rin kissed him back.  
  
Haru felt his heart soar. A bubble of joy so fierce he almost laughed against Rin’s lips. Rin was in his arms, holding him back, clutching at his jacket, their matching gold medals clinking between them as they pressed tight together, almost wrestling with one another in their urgent need to get closer.  
  
Rin tried to speak, but Haru swallowed the words with more kisses. That was until he felt Rin start to struggle against him, pushing Haru away firmly and repeating himself, louder this time.  
  
“Stop. Haru, stop it.”  
  
Haru opened his eyes with a start taking in Rin’s expression. The joy, the relief, the heady desire he had felt only seconds before evaporated in an instant. His heart lurched sickeningly. One look was enough to see that Rin was feeling none of what he felt. Rin was horrified. Hand rising to clamp over his mouth, cheeks still tracked by tears but eyes dry and bright with shock and fear and pain.  
  
“Rin?” Haru reached out but Rin stepped back, putting an arms length between them.  
  
“Haru we can’t do this! You have.. You’re ….we can’t. Just stop. Stop...”  
  
Rin sounded almost hysterical, trembling worse than he had been before.  
  
Haru held his hands up feeling panicked. “Rin I have. I am. I’m sorry.”  
  
“No. All of it. Looking at me like that.  Telling me you miss me too. Talking like that on camera - _what were you thinking?!_ We can’t be that way. Not anymore. And how am I supposed to move on like this? To stop being in love with you?”

“Rin its ok ...please…. let me explain its…”  
  
“Mr Nanase are you in there? Drug test time you know the drill ...”

Haru’s words were lost in the slam of a door as a uniformed official waving a clipboard entered.  
  
Rin spun immediately to face the lockers, rapidly scrubbing away the tears with his sleeve.  
  
“Can we.... can we just have a minute?” Haru asked the official tersely.  
  
“Mr Nanase you know refusing to deliver a sample when called is a serious infraction?”  
  
“I’m not refusing I just ...”  
  
“He’s coming.” Rin cut in.

“You have to go.” He hissed at Haru over his shoulder, control slipping from his voice. “Haru you won. You were _incredible._ Don’t let them question it. Go.” 

“Mr Nanase?”

“Fine. I’m coming.”

Haru cast a final glance at Rin’s back. He was still trembling.

“Rin, I meant what I said in my interview. And you still owe me my say.” He said softly as he reluctantly followed the official out.  
  
-x-  
  
Urinating into a cup behind a thin paper screen while an official waited mere inches away was the absolute last thing Haru wanted to be doing.

He knew he’d fucked up. Badly. Rin had needed comfort. Someone to help ground and steady him. Instead Haru had selfishly only tried to take from Rin according to his own wants, his own needs. He hadn’t even managed to tell him the most important thing…

Next up was the blood tests. Haru was usually ok with needles. He didn’t love them of course, but whenever he’d needed to be tested previously Rin had been right alongside him putting up enough fuss for the both of them. He missed the distraction. The official was kind and as gentle as he could be, but when Haru tried to stand he immediately swooned, knocking a set of papers and plastic cups off the desk as he struggled to right himself on the way down.

“Woah, easy there!” The official medic caught him and guided him back to chair.

“Head between your legs Mr Nanase. And don’t worry. You’re not the first to have a funny turn because of the needles.”

Privately Haru was fairly certain it was nothing to do with the needles, but even if he’d been able to say so he wouldn't have. The sooner they let him go the better.

He was given a thick syrupy drink which he downed without question, however to his dismay instead of being released he was led to a collapsable bed and told to lie down until they could be certain his blood pressure had returned to normal.

Haru tried to protest - lying still when Rin was still out there was doing the opposite of good for his blood pressure - but they were insistent. So finally he complied, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths, practicing in his head what he was going to say.

_It’s ok that we kissed. It’s ok because I’m not engaged and I love you. I choose you. Always. I’ll always choose you._

After finally being released he dashed off on unsteady legs to try and find Rin. Instead Sousuke found him, barreling towards him, eyes stormy, Makoto looking flustered in his wake.

“Haru what the hell was that? I thought you were going to _tell_ Rin not try and jump him in the locker room. You know he’s distraught, right? He thinks you’re still getting married and that you just kissed him for...well I don’t know what he thinks. But he’s not exactly thrilled about having made out with a soon-to-be-married-man.”

 _So he did kiss me back. I wasn’t imagining it._ Haru thought, relief battling with the much stronger sinking feeling in his gut at Sousuke’s words.

“Haru you did what?” Makoto squeaked out looking shocked.  

“I messed up. I need to find him.”

“Well he’s seeing his his mom and Gou off right now. That should calm him down at least.”

“Haru… Haru are you ok?” Makoto asked frowning. “You look really pale?”

“I’m… what if I’m too late. What if it’s not enough.” Haru blurted. He hadn’t expected to say the words out loud. To voice the creeping fear that once he told Rin, Rin might still not want him. He didn’t think he could face that.

Sousuke and Makoto both groaned in unison, Sousuke slamming a palm against his face.  
  
“Haru, just tell him. No surprise kisses, no declarations on camera, just the truth. You’ve waited enough and you won. Tell him or I will.”

“Nanase. I have some people who want to meet you. Are you feeling up to it?” Coach Yamamoto appeared waving a clipboard. Haru, Makoto and Sousuke all turned.

“People? Who?”

“Brands. You mentioned you were looking to secure some sponsors, correct?” She looked at the three serious faces.  “Um… am I interrupting something?”

Haru shook his head. He turned back to Sousuke and Makoto.

“I have to go. I have to do this. It will help. But if you see him when he’s done with his mom… tell him I’m looking for him. That it’s time we talked.”

As Haru walked away Sousuke turned to Makoto jabbing him lightly in the ribs. “ _Now_ will you let me lock them in a room together?”  
  
“I’ll help barricade the door.” Makoto sighed

* * *

Rin stood with his mother and Gou at departures, warm ups still on and medals around his neck, which he was gratified to see were earning him a few second glances.

He knew half the team had gone out celebrating, but after his strange run in with Haru in the locker room he wasn’t feeling much up to people. Besides this was important. He’d had no idea how his mother and Gou had managed to attend last minute, although so far he’d gathered it had involved Makoto giving up his apartment to bunk with Sousuke. Even though he couldn’t imagine either of them had found it much of a hardship, he was still overwhelmed with gratitude for his friends working together to look after his family that way. He cried more than a few tears over it, in what had already turned out to be a rather tearful day. Even by his standards.

“Gou, would you mind going and getting me a magazine from the store? You know the ones.. And get yourself something too. Just not too many half naked men ok?”  Miyako patted Gou on the shoulder and flicked her eyes to the small shop not far from where they were standing, the gesture pointed.

Gou rolled her eyes looking put out. “I’m nearly 18. I’m old enough to be told if you want to discuss things in private. I’ll be over there if you need me.” She turned to Rin and gave him a bone splintering hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Call more.”

“Gou, I call all the time?”

“Well call all the time more. Or I might just rethink school and follow you to Tokyo.”

Rin smiled and ruffled her hair. “Give Steve my love.”

“He doesn’t want it.” Gou winked cheekily, then bounced away hair bobbing as she headed to the station store.

Miyako turned and pulled Rin into a hug, brushing through his hair as if he were back to being a small child.

“My son, my big grown up champion swimmer. I’m so so very proud of you.”

“Mom!” Rin protested blushing, but holding her back tighter all the same.

She pulled away. “And you will pass on my congratulations to Haruka too? And my thanks.  You two are… speaking now?”

Rin looked away. “We’re… trying. I’ll tell him - wait, what am I thanking him for?”

Miyako gave him a surprised look. “Rin, who do you think arranged for Gou and I to be here? For Makoto to stay with Sousuke?”

“Sousuke.” Rin muttered, suddenly knowing he was lying.

 _“Rin.”_ she dug into her bag and handed over a small card. He recognised Haru’s writing immediately.

_“I can’t repay you for what you’ve done for me, and I can’t make up for the hurt I have caused, but please accept these tickets. You should get to see him. He’s beautiful when he swims.”_

Rin felt his face heat, the floor feeling less than solid. “What’s he talking about? When did this even happen?”

“It came in the post not long after your father’s birthday. Flights and all. Haruka was in Iwatobi that weekend. We met him coming down from the memorial.”

“What? He was...what was Haru doing there?”

“I think that’s a conversation for the two of you Rin.”

“Well in any case I’ll pay him back.” Rin snapped, tone harsher than he intended. “We don’t need his charity. And I don’t want anything to do with his family's money.”

“Rin.” Miyako cautioned gently. “I don’t think Haruka’s family had anything to do with it. In fact it sounds like they are pretty angry with him right now. I know you’re hurting. But I think Haruka is struggling. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have your parents reject who you are. And then to have you leave so fast on top of that...”

“You think it was wrong of me to go?”

“That’s not what I am saying. You are my son and I support you no matter what. I understand why you felt the need to do what you did.”

“But you think I should have stayed?”

Miyako sighed. “Rin thats not it. I just think it might be worth giving Haruka a second chance to explain. You know how proud I am of you, always. But you can’t pretend you’re happy right now. Not to me. And no matter what else is between you, he is one of your oldest friends. I think you owe him, owe yourself, that much. I think you may come to regret it in the future if you don’t try.”

“Whatever happened to _‘if you love something, let it go’_.” Rin grumbled.

Miyako frowned. “Rin, I don’t know where you got that idea from but it wasn’t from me, and it certainly wasn’t from your father. If you love something you fight for it. Every day. Because you never know how long you’ve got. Now if Haruka tells you that it’s over for him, thats one thing. But I watched that boy show his heart to the whole world today, and I don’t think that’s what he was saying. Do you?”

Rin suddenly found he could meet her gaze. He looked at his feet. “But… but what if the price is too high?”

Miyako touched Rin’s cheek and weighed her words carefully. “Then I would think it would be up to the person paying it to decide that, hmm?”

* * *

Haru got to bed late, much later than he had expected. True to her words, coach Yamamoto had made contact with several brands who had expressed interest in working with Haru in the run up to national team selection and the Olympics, and so Haru took several of the calls and introductions right away, Yamamoto by his side to help guide him. He knew he should probably have taken a longer time to consider and to look over contracts - that Sousuke would likely chew his ear off for not doing so - but he verbally agreed to two on the spot. A swimsuit brand and an isotonic drinks company. There were more - several more - but combined with his prize money Haru at last felt confident he had a way forward to support himself. He could work out the rest later, hopefully even with Rin at his side.

But the trade off was he hadn’t managed to see about rehydrating or proper cooldowns. Eventually Coach Yamamoto spotted him braced against a wall and insisted on driving him home, warning him not to show up at training unless he got a proper rest.

He’d collapsed into bed somewhere after midnight having forgotten completely about dinner. All he wanted was for morning to come so he could talk to Rin. And this time he would do it properly.

 

He woke up slowly and blearily. He felt a weight pressing down against him, his limbs feeling overly warm and heavy.  

 _“Rin, Rin, you fell asleep on top of me again.”_ he grumbled out still half asleep.

“Nanase shut that alarm off! Goddammit, does it always have to be _so damn early._ ” Haru swam up into proper consciousness, hearing the protests from the bed beside him.

 _Oh, that’s right. Rin wasn’t there._  

The heaviness he felt was something else.

Head pounding Haru reached blindly to silence his alarm, fumbling out an apology to Tengo who had grumpily stuffed a pillow over his head.

He swung his legs over the bed and immediately felt like he might throw up. Something was off.

It was true he had pushed himself in the competition, harder than he had ever pushed himself before, and it seemed that that - combined with weeks of wearing himself to the bone between work and training - had finally caused his body to rebel. Haru swayed, pushing his head between his knees and waiting for the room to stop tilting. Something was clearly not right.

But despite Yamamoto’s warning he couldn’t miss training. Couldn’t miss the chance to see Rin. So he moved slowly and painfully to get his things ready. His bike was still locked up where he’d left it on campus even if he had trusted himself to cycle in the state he was in, and so forced himself to the underground sweating and shaking. A few early commuters seemed to take note of him and moved unsubtly away. He absently considered maybe he should of worn a mask.

But no. He couldn’t be ill. He couldn't afford to be. He needed to train and then he needed to go to work.

But most of all, he needed to see Rin.

-x-

Rin kept his hood pulled up and he slipped into the training centre. He was still feeling utterly mixed up. Torn between elation at the medals, unease at his conversation with his mother and heartbreak over Haru.

In the less than 24 hours that had passed, clips of Haru’s interview were already everywhere, being shown on college campus, on social media. His own looked rather vanilla in comparison, everyone seeming to have zoned in particularly on Haru’s comments about Rin and speculating wildly about their meaning. He’d already had an email from a member of the university paper asking him to comment, which he had politely declined.

Rin wasn’t sure he was ready to face it. Just wanted to forget. To forget what had come next. That kiss, frantic and heady and hot and just an awful reminder of what Fumiko had offered him. Secret fumbles and a life made of lies. He hated himself for just how attractive even that was starting to sound.

Because he’d been tempted, so ashamedly sorely tempted to just push Haru against the lockers and take him right there, his body stubbornly remembering what his head told him to forget.  
  
Arriving back at Watanabe’s place that evening he’d finally given in and jacked off in the shower picturing Haru’s mouth on his. He’d felt sick with himself afterwards - Haru was going to be a married man - but then he had wondered if perhaps, like with thoughts of Haru when swimming, he needed to accept that denying his desires completely was unsustainable. As long as he didn’t act on them, didn’t allow what he thought about in the dark to affect his behaviour in daylight, then maybe he could allow himself this one sin? Right?

 _Or you could just ask._ His heart niggled at him. _Just ask. Pick me. Choose me._  
  
He’d touched his fingertips to his lips and thought again about the way Haru had kissed him, as hungry and needy as he himself had felt. He’d thought then about the lipstick pressed onto Haru’s skin.

He couldn’t make sense of any of it at all.

-x-

Haru dove into the pool late, although ‘dove’ was a kind word; it looked more like a fall. Rin noticed something was wrong immediately. The session was an easy one - mostly steady state effort to flush their muscles with fresh blood and help their bodies recover from the stress of competition - but right from the off Haru was lagging and looking more tired and worn than Rin had ever seen him. He was lapped multiple times by the swimmers in his lane and Coach Mikitani had to call out to him more than once for extending his rest periods and messing up the set.

When they moved on to a few harder efforts, Haru could barely seem to complete his 50s without needing to hang on to the lane line weezing. Coach Yamamato came on deck and spotting Haru in the water made a beeline for Mikitani. They quickly conferred before Coach gave a few short blasts of the whistle and Rin heard him shout over.

“Nanase, session over. You’re not rested and training like this is harmful. Go home and get some sleep and call me this afternoon.”

Haru nodded weakly and went to jump out of the pool. He faltered. Slipping heavily and banging his elbow painfully on he edge. Rin felt his his heart stutter. Haru didn’t falter. Haru never faltered. He watched as Haru instead ducked under the lines to swam for the stairs, swaying slightly as he clambered out before reaching out an arm to steady himself against the starting block.

Rin was on the wrong side of the pool but set off at a sprint, pushing past his lane mates determine to launch himself out the water and rush to Haru. He didn’t care it wasn’t his place anymore, that it wouldn't be again.

But Coach Yamamoto got there first, Rin surfacing just in time to watch, biting his cheek hard enough to draw blood and feeling sick with himself, as she helped Haru shuffle away from the pool.

 

Haru didn’t attend afternoon training that day, or either their dry land session or afternoon pool time the next day.

Rin tried not to worry, though he did text Makoto, and instead tried to be grateful for one more day to try and make sense of his jumbled thoughts. But the truth was he felt wretched. Was Haru really ok? Who was looking after him?

He was so caught up in his own misery he missed his name being called the first two times.

“Matsuoka, I said hold up!”

Rin turned to find Coach Mikitani waving over to him, a pack of papers in his hand.

“I need you to run these over to Nanase for me. He’s off sick today and the deadline to get his scholarship approved is this week so he needs to be quick about it. Although based on his performance we shouldn’t have an issue getting it all through.”

Rin frowned. Since when was Haru on a scholarship? They usually only applied to students from low income families like himself. It didn’t really make sense.

He rubbed the back of his head torn. He wanted to make sure Haru was ok, and this did give him a legitimate reason to go and visit him. Yet at the same time turning up at Haru’s place unannounced felt far too intimate. Far too close to their old lives.

“Matsuoka what’s the hold up. You two are friends again right? Or is there still trouble that I need to know about?”

“Right. Yes sir. I’ll get them over right away.” Rin jumped accepting the package. He looked down at it and sighed.

It looked like he would be seeing Haru that day after all...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with all that if you indeed did. Next chapter is pretty much ready, just need to find a little time for a final edit/proof so should hopefully be up in a couple of days, right in time for work to swallow me whole :) 
> 
> *Side note, I realise I completely omitted the relay event here. Being honest, I did have a draft with a section about a relay in but I was finding it too difficult to make work and it didn't actually serve much of a purpose beyond underlining that they love/miss each other which I'm hoping at this point is clear (if not overkilled already...). I hope you'll excuse me for leaving it out here!
> 
> *I also know some countries/ sports have rules about at what level athletes are eligible for prize money and sponsors (I think not all college level can) but for the sake of this fic, they/Haru can. 
> 
> ** Side, side note, originally I thought this fic would maybe be like 3-5 chapters and done. Here we are 14 down, ~95k words and still about 11 to go. To say this got away from me would be an understatement. So truly when I say thank you for sticking it out this far I mean it <3
> 
>  **Next chapter**  
>  Rin finds out :)


	15. FIFTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it’s a relatively short chapter this time (I didn’t think I was still capable of those) but it’s an important one so I really hope it won’t disappoint :)

Rin took a deep breath and knocked on the door. It occurred to him too late that the last time he had stood outside Haru’s apartment he had been all gussied up in his father's suit, Haru looking like something out of a victorian romance and making his heart soar. He fought to keep his composure as the door opened.

But it wasn’t Haru on the other side. Instead there stood a young woman. For a split second Rin’s brain saw only what it feared - Fumiko - but then he blinked and registered that this woman was at least a few years older, with shorter hair, softer features… and with a fat smiling baby balanced on her hip. She regarded Rin with polite confusion.

“Yes, can I help you?”

Rin realised he had been staring. He gave a slight and awkward bow.

“Good evening. I’m a teammate of Nanase Haruka’s, is he home?”

The woman’s brow creased slightly before realisation dawned. “Ah you mean the young man who lived here before? I’m afraid he moved out a little while ago but he did leave a forwarding address, here let me find it for you.”

The woman disappeared for a moment leaving Rin unsettled. How could he not have known that Haru had moved?

She returned and pressed a slip of paper into his hand. Rin gave his thanks then rushed from the building heart pounding.

His first instinct was to panic. To think yet again about the lipstick that had marked Haru’s skin. _What if he had moved in with her? What if she was the one nursing him back to health_ _right now_ _._ _Nobody had told him, but why would they? Maybe they were just trying to protect him. Maybe this was what Haru had wanted to discuss?_ The image of couples dinner parties, Haru with Fumiko, himself alone or with some mystery ‘other’ flashed briefly in his mind’s eye and he tried to swallow down the nausea.

But once outside, Rin finally stopped and looked at the address he had been given, taking a few deep breaths. It was perhaps a further 30 minute journey heading out of town in a completely different neighbourhood. Something no longer felt quite right about the scenario that had been playing in his head. A scholarship application and now a move? He felt a tingle start up at the back of his neck, a shiver running down his spine. _Rin, I meant what I said in my interview._ He looked at the papers again and hurried back to the underground.

When he finally reached the building Rin had to double check the address, disbelieving. It was a slightly dilapidated looking high rise that proclaimed itself to offer communal living for students and young workers - nothing at all like Haru’s old place which had been slick and modern in an enviable neighbourhood. Something felt very off.

He pressed the intercom, and was immediately buzzed in without anyone asking who he was there to see. The lift service seemed to be broken so he jogged up the several flight of stairs until he reached the right level. Locating what he thought was the right apartment, he knocked hesitantly. He could hear noises from within and the door was quickly yanked open.

“Yo, what can I do for you?” A young man - Rin assumed he was a student - with a shaved head looked him up and down disinterestedly.

“I...I think I might have the wrong address.” Rin started uncertainty. “I’m looking for Haru, erm Nanase Haruka?”

“Yo, Nanase you’ve got a visitor.” The stranger yelled before disappearing back into the corridor. “He rooms with Tengo - last door on the right.” he called over his shoulder to Rin.

Rin wavered outside, but not seeing any movement he pushed through the door and entered the flat. He was met with a long dark corridor with several doors opening off to the right. The wallpaper was peeling and the air was humid and heavy. Carrying on to the door the student had indicated he saw that to his left there was a sort of communal kitchen/dining area. At least he thought that was what it was - it was hard to see clearly because every surface was piled high with dirty pots and pans and cartons, laundry hung up criss crossing the ceiling. There were maybe four or five guys around his age inside, sat drinking beer and playing some kind of video game hooked up to a small flat screen TV. They gave Rin a cursory glance before turning back to their game and ignoring him completely.

He carried on down the corridor and was just about to knock when the door pulled inward sharply. There stood Haru, just working his right arm through the sleeve of a jumper, his face pale but flushed red across his cheeks, mouth and nose hidden by a surgical-style face mask.  

 _Pick me, Pick me, Pick me,_ Rin felt his heart beat. He swallowed hard.

“Rin?”

Haru froze, arm still half suspended. They stood for a moment just staring at each other with mirrored surprise before Rin couldn't hold back his confusion.

“Haru w-what... what are you doing here?” he stuttered.

“I live here Rin. What are you doing here?” Haru’s voice came out thick, half muffled by the mask. Rin blinked stupidly, unsure himself until he remembered the package in his hands.

“Right. Coach sent me. I have papers for you from the University. I went to your place but they said you’d… moved.” Rin tailed off and held the package out stiffly which Haru took from him with both hands as if it were something precious.

“Oh, Thank you. For coming all this way.”

If he was disappointed he didn’t show it.

Haru opened the door wider and turned back into the room to stow away the papers. Rin stayed awkwardly in the doorway but was able to get a good look into the room beyond. It was small and cramped and barely enough for one person, but there were two single beds pushed to opposite walls. Even if Rin hadn’t been able to spot Haru’s right away from the ocean-patterned bedding, the other was occupied by a figure huddled under the duvet and sleeping. There was a small dresser of drawers and a couple of cluttered shelves over each bed but that seemed to be it.

Rin took it all in feeling like his thoughts were running so fast that they all just blended into radio static. There was a dawning realisation somewhere in the mess, but nothing was able to come through clearly.

“Um and here.” As Haru turned back to Rin, Rin thrust the other small package he had been carrying toward Haru. Haru accepted and opened it up looking curious, his eyes lighting when he saw what was inside.

“You brought me _soup_ Rin!”

Haru said the word softly, almost reverently as if Rin had just handed him something far more valuable than a cheap tub of takeaway broth. Rin felt the heat creep a little into his cheeks.

“I mean, I just bought it. I didn’t make it or anything. And it will be cold now because I went to the wrong place first. There’s some mackerel under there too. Its nothing fancy. It’s only tinned...I...just...I thought you might need something.. to ..to feel better.”  He finished lamely.

Haru was staring at Rin intently, his eyes shining and still looking far too grateful for such a small token.

“Rin, Thank you. Really. I’ll heat it up and have it tonight.”

A sudden rain of shouts and jeers came up from the kitchen, celebration of some kind, causing Rin to jump. Haru turned, eyes narrowing slightly in the direction of the noise before he met Rin’s gaze again.

“So…. you live here?” Rin asked softly.

Haru ignored the question, eyes bright and urgent.  “Rin, can we go somewhere? Now. Get a drink or something?”

Rin nodded wordlessly. Haru seemed relieved, quickly placing the soup in a mini fridge jammed in at the foot of his bed and retrieving his wallet and key before closing the door to his room and leading them both back out the building and to small all night takeaway shop and cafe just across the road.

They walked in silence, Rin trying hard to resist the urge just to throw his arms around the boy in front of him. To hold him, touch his skin, make sure he really was ok. He bit his lip and shoved his fists in his pockets.

In the cafe, Haru ordered for them both out of habit - a ginger and lemon for himself and a green tea for Rin.

They took their drinks and perched on stools next to a high round table in the window and regarded each other in heavy silence.

Rin’s skin felt electric with being so close to Haru, so close to alone with Haru, after the months of distance. Looking at him more closely, Rin could tell he wasn’t feeling great. Despite his thick jumper and the warm cafe Haru was shivering slightly and his skin looked clammy. Above all though he looked uncharacteristically nervous, eyes searching Rin’s face as if he was expecting him to bolt.

Rin fiddled with his cup not sure where to start, his mind too full of questions. His eyes cast over the flush on Haru’s cheeks and he felt a fresh stab of guilt. He should probably be in bed resting, not out with Rin drinking overpriced tea.  

“How are you feeling?”

Haru shrugged. “I’ll be ok. It’s only a virus Rin. I just need to rest a little.”

Rin nodded absently, feeling a little lost and helpless. The curiosity and frustration with not knowing what was going on eventually bubbled up in him until he couldn't hold it any longer.

“Haru, why are you living in a squat?” He blurted finally. It came out blunter and more accusatory sounding than he meant it to causing him to flush and look away. Haru wrinkled his nose.

“It’s not a squat Rin. It’s student accommodation.”

“Oh yeah? How many flatmates do you have?”

“Eleven.”

“Eleven! See. Squat.”

“Tokyo’s really expensive Rin.”

Rin couldn’t help but give an exasperated chuckle at that. “You’re just realising that now?”

but he frowned as soon as the words had come out. That definitely wasn’t right. Haru never needed to worry about money...

The tingling feeling intensified, almost as if his nerves already knew what his mind, his heart, were not quite yet brave enough, hopeful enough, to believe.

“Haru... Haru what’s going on, why… why did you move here?” It was barely a whisper.

Haru shifted a little awkwardly, staring at the liquid in his cup. He pulled away his mask so that his voice could come out clearly. He took a deep breath.

“I’ve been sorting things out. It’s been taking a bit longer than I hoped. I wanted things to be… right... before I told you.”

Rin felt a fresh flutter of anxiety or excitement or nerves hit him. His mouth went dry. He curled his fingers tighter against his cup to try and stop the shake.

“Haru… what do you mean, _sorting things out_?” He asked slowly, voice hoarse. His heart had already sped up, racing ahead of him.

Haru looked up at him then, his fevered gaze still piercing. Rin felt pinned by it.

“I’m free Rin. The engagement, the deal with my parents. It’s over.”

Rin’s eyes blew wide, realisation finally clicking into place.  

“T-they… they cut you off...”

Haru nodded.

“Haru w-when...why....” Rin couldn’t speak. The mix of emotions crashing over him completely overwhelming. Guilt, relief, longing - guilt for the utter magnitude of his relief. And for the first time in months the smallest spark of fresh hope. He felt tears build at the corner of his eyes and fought to blink them back.

“After they put the announcement out. I didn’t know they had planned that, but I should have stopped it before then. I… I should have stopped it all a long time ago.” Haru admitted

“Haru I-I didn’t ... I didn’t know. How did I...” Rin tried vainly to sniff away his tears, the first drops already starting to cascade down his cheeks. “I didn’t know.” He repeated helplessly. Haru felt an overwhelming surge of love.

 ****“Rin, Rin it’s ok. Please don’t cry. I didn’t want you to feel like you owed me anything. I hurt you and I couldn’t blame you if you didn’t ever want to see me again. I didn’t want you to think loving you cost me anything because it didn't. I did this for myself Rin.”

Rin was openly crying then. He couldn’t look at Haru anymore, shoulders shaking as he sobbed and tears slipping into his tea. His skin had quickly flushed red with angry blotches as he sobbed, nose a little snotty.

And yet Haru still would have painted his likeness over the Sistine chapel given half the chance.

The server, seemingly panicked by Rin’s now-very-audible sobbing, made a move to come over to them but Haru shot a glare and held up an hand to keep them back. No interruptions this time.

“Rin…” He tentatively reached over the table and gently circled his thumb and forefinger around Rin’s wrist.

“Rin. I’ll understand if you say no. If you can’t. But I want to be with you. I’ve only ever wanted to be with you. Will you let me prove it? Can I take you on a date?”

Rin choked out a fresh sob and hid his face with the hand Haru wasn’t currently holding. He was crying so hard his whole body seemed to shake with each wave of emotion. Haru pulled the hand away from Rin’s face gently.

_“Rin.”_

He wanted to hold him, wanted to wrap him in his arms so badly, but forced himself to be satisfied with simply pulling Rin’s palms into his chest, pressing them to his heart and waiting patiently for Rin to let the emotion out, to formulate a response.

Slowly, Rin’s fingers curled into the material of his jumper, gripping against Haru’s chest as he fought to gain some mastery over himself.

Rin looked at Haru and Haru looked back. And it seemed wrong somehow: the intensity of the emotions, the importance of what was passing between them. It shouldn’t have been happening in a neon lit coffee shop where the fluorescent lighting showing up each weary shadow in their skin, when Haru was unwell and should have been in bed.

And yet there was something magical about it all the same.

Rin opened his mouth to speak, but Haru’s fingers on his wrist suddenly tightened.

“Oh, wait! Rin! Before you answer there’s something else I have to tell you. Please don’t be angry with me.”  
  
Rin blinked through his tears, mind jumping to the worst possible scenarios one after the other. _Fumiko was pregnant_ . _There was another fiancé. Haru had a second set of parents who hated him._

“H-Haru?”  
  
“I-I lost the cactus. I was tired after the competition and left it somewhere. I tried to get it back. I’m so sorry.”  
  
Rin just start to cry harder, his sobs mixing with choked laughter. Haru began to look mildly worried that he might be having some kind of fit.

“Rin?”  
  
“Yes Haru. _Of course_ yes. I’ll go on a date with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So I do realise they didn’t get much chance to actually talk in this chapter (mostly as, Haru being unwell aside, Rin’s reaction was just all out sobbing) BUT as a reassurance(?) they will be properly working through/talking through things over the next couple of chapters. I just sort of liked this as its own little standalone. I really hope you do too!
> 
> Also, a quick apology in advance if it takes me a little longer than usual to get the next couple of chapters up. I’m set to be doing a lot more work travel over the next month or two and while airports and crap hotels are actually often quite handy for sneaking in writing time, I’m not even sure how much of that I will get. But I will still post as regularly as I am able. Thank you for reading, and also so much for your comments - I've so been enjoying reading your reactions! <3
> 
>  **Next chapter**  
>  Haru and Rin have their second ‘first’ date.


	16. SIXTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Mostly written/edited while under the influence of jet lag induced insomnia and/or all the coffee. All of it. What even is sleep? It will be some small miracle if this is not just 99% typos punctuated by a dash of thirsty Haru, so... enjoy(?) :S

“Ready Rin?”

Haru emerged from the locker room with a shy smile and a slight flip of his hair to unsettle the strands that had fallen into sapphire blue eyes.

Rin could almost see the soujou sparkles fill the air. He swallowed thickly, voice coming out tight and high.

“Yep. Ready.”

It was a straight up lie. The time had finally come for his and Haru’s date and all week it had been as if his heart had been replaced by that of a hummingbird.

Rin was so not ready.

* * *

To say that Rin had not dealt entirely elegantly with the news of Haru’s broken engagement was something of an understatement. After several rounds of attempting to make words or ask questions, only to break into fresh sobbing, Haru had eventually pulled him away from glare of the cafe and into the dark of the street where they had simply clung to each other; Rin’s face buried against the graceful curve of Haru’s neck as he struggled with waves of competing emotion that were, as yet, too big to make much sense of. Haru held him with all the strength he could muster hushing him gently, his chest so tight with the enormity of having Rin back in his arms that he struggled to breathe.

Rin couldn’t say how long they stayed there, only that as soon as he noticed that Haru was shivering in spite of the burning heat of his skin, listing against Rin a little, he became so ashamed of himself for keeping Haru out when he was clearly unwell that he had (between sobs) insisted on getting him back to a bed.

Rin would have tried to carry him bridal-style if Haru had given even the slightest indication he would permit it, but as it was Haru’s demeanor had changed rapidly. Despite holding Rin close only moments before he had started to wiggle insistently out of Rin’s worried grip any time it threatened to take too much of his weight. The walk back to Haru’s halls was therefore slow and unsteady and accompanied by Haru’s constant refrain of ‘I’m oks’, ‘I feel fines’ and his general displeasure at the idea that Rin was worried for him. Rin did just about manage to win a compromise when it came to the several sets of stairs leading back up to Haru’s floor, executing a less-than-graceful piggyback. Haru had wrapped his arms tightly around Rin’s broad shoulders, head flopping against Rin’s hair and – despite his fevered state - had found himself fighting not to let his body completely overreact at suddenly finding himself pressed so close against Rin. At feeling the muscles of his back shift under him with each step, at Rin’s hands pressed tight on his thighs as he delivered him to his apartment.

At the door to his room, Rin had tackled Haru in a fresh hug so enthusiastic that it accidentally came along with a headbutt (followed with mortified cursing). He only let go when they were interrupted by one of the, apparently copious, flatmates Haru had and then Rin had watched Haru slip into the dark of his his small room, still occupied by his sleeping roomate, feeling suddenly helpless.  

Because Rin hadn’t really wanted to leave Haru there at all. He had attempted (still between sobs, this time joined by breathlessness as he had struggled up the stairs) to insist that he take Haru back with him to Watanabe’s, or to Makoto’s, or even get him set up in hotel until he felt better. But Haru had been characteristically stubborn, insisting that it was where he lived now and that it was fine. That he was fine, just in need of a little more sleep. Rin would have pushed harder, but after having absented himself for so long he didn’t think he had the right. So with just a final parting clutch of fingers, he’d forced himself to walk away, heart racing in a tizzy of clashing emotions.

Rin hadn’t known what to do with himself then so instead of heading back to Watanabe’s he had taken the risk and turned up at Makoto’s place unannounced. Makoto had opened the door and taken one look at Rin’s puffy and blotchy face before breaking into a beaming smile. _“Ah. So he finally told you, right?”_

After setting aside the initial shock that it seemed he was the last to be hearing about this ( _“What do you mean Sou knew?!”_ ), Rin had lain spread eagle on Makoto’s floor for much of the night while Makoto patiently listened to him trying to assert some sort of order over his thoughts.

“I just… am I even allowed to feel happy? I mean...” Rin’s eyes had been wide and glassy and helpless at the enormity of it all. “They really did it. Just like she said. Cut him off. Abandoned him _._ Because of me...”

“Yes Rin. I think you can be happy.” Makoto had smiled softly before his expression quickly shifted to something more grave. “And it’s not because of you Rin. Or because of Haru. It’s because of who they are and what they believe.”

“But… how could they just… I mean have you seen where he’s staying now Makoto?”

“Don’t. I tried to get him to move here - you know how stubborn he is. But he said he’ll be able to move somewhere better as soon as the sponsorship comes through. Up until now it’s really only because he’s been trying to save up. As soon as he pays for the…”

Makoto had cut himself off looking horrified.

“Uh n-never mind. The important thing is that you know. Rin you’d be so proud of him -  - he’s been trying so hard to make sure he can stand on his own. Almost anytime he’s not swimming he’s at work.”

“Haru got a job?!”

A vaguely amused eyebrow raise from Makoto. “Yeah, didn’t he tell you that part? He’s been working shifts at a restaurant not far from campus. He’s there almost every day.”

“We didn’t get much chance to discuss it.” Rin had mumbled looking a bashful. “...I kinda...broke down a bit I guess. It was a shock. It still is. I mean… I really thought that that was it... That I’d lost him.” His voice cracked as he’d tried to swallow the fresh sobs away.

_I should have held it together better. I should have asked more questions._

“I mean it’s.... I _am_ happy. Of course I am but … It’s also.. _Fuck_ it’s awful. Makoto I don’t know what to do. How can I ever make something like this ok? He’s lost everything.”

“Not everything, right?” Makoto had prompted softly. “I mean surely not you? Because the two of you will be ok now?”

“I-I hope so. I want to..”

“But?”

“But this wasn’t some silly fight. This was all... the worst thing anyone has done to me. Or that I’ve done to anyone. And it was Haru... I don’t know how we’re supposed to get back to what we had.”

A flicker of worry passed over Makoto’s face then. “But you are going to try, right? I mean ... you have to...”

Rin had nodded firmly. “God yes. I’ll do anything. I just wish I knew where to start… I mean we’re...um, I guess we’re going to go on a date. When he’s feeling better.”

Makoto’s eyes had warmed, expression brightening. “That’s great news. Then just start there. See how that goes.”

“Right.”

“Rin it will be ok. I just know you two will find a way to work this out.”

Rin felt his gut twist with a host of intangible fears. “Yeah… Yeah. _Fuck._ I hope so.”

* * *

Rin hadn’t slept much that night. Too many strange dreams, and when he woke for training he didn’t trust himself to remember what was real and what might have only been wishful thinking. He text Haru cautiously.

_[Yesterday happened... right?]_

The reply was swift.

_[Yes Rin.]_

_[You’re really not going to be getting married?]_

_[I am currently not engaged to anyone. If that’s what you are asking.]_

He could almost see the little frown in Haru’s expression as he pushed the distinction. He felt a strong, almost physical need to see it in person.

_[I want to see you. Can I come over after training?]_

The next message made his heart lurch.

_[No don’t.]_

But then almost immediately after.

_[Only so you don’t get sick too!]_

_[I’ll just be sleeping]_

_[Tomorrow? I’ll be back at training - Let me take you somewhere after?]_

Rin’s heart fluttered, soaring.

_[Yes. A million times yes.]_

His fingers hovered as he typed and deleted the same three words over and over. In the end he only added.

_[I really can’t wait. Get better fast. Rest. And text me if you need anything. At all. Please]_

Rin had lain back then and risked being late to training by allowing himself a few moments just to enjoy the warmth that the idea brought to him. _A date with Haru._ A Haru who was no longer spoken for.

A Haru he might just have chance to try and win again.

* * *

The very first official date they had ever gone on had been something of a disaster and Rin still winced a little at the memory.

With time and the power of hindsight he had come to realise it was always destined to be - that he’d put so much pressure on it to be perfect, on himself to make sure that it was, that there was really no other outcome possible. Dinner and a movie was never going to be able to live up to years of elaborate fantasies and his having watched perhaps just a few too-too-many romcoms. Yet at the time it had felt like a major failing on his part.

It had come after those first few heady weeks of secret kisses and hasty fumbles stolen in locker rooms after practice and in Haru’s bedroom, Rin always jumpy incase Makoto happened to let himself in. Rin’s traditional side had finally won out and he declared one day that there would be no more kissing until he’d at least taken Haru on one proper date.

Haru had grumbled but was secretly pleased. A proper date meant what was between them was something proper too. He had liked that idea. A lot.

And so Rin had picked Haru up promptly at seven dressed to kill, smelling a little too strongly of cologne and the remains of a razor nick on his jaw. Haru had worn jeans with a slim fitting white shirt and Rin’s voice had helpfully cracked and broken on the word ‘hello’.

It didn’t go much more smoothly from there. The restaurant that Rin had carefully selected precisely for its range of mackerel dishes informed them they had regrettably had an issue with their order of fresh fish and Haru was left picking unhappily at the ‘catch of the day’ which looked suspiciously like chicken.

Rin had tried to glide past it. Hustling them swiftly to the local cinema and insisting on buying Haru an oversized popcorn to compensate, plus a drink with two straws. The movie Rin had picked was a romance (naturally) featuring a man who had fallen in love with a mermaid. He’d hoped it would be romantic enough for a date while also featuring copious water shots to appeal to Haru. The problem was that he had promptly forgotten that he was supposed to be being suave and attractive and had become far too caught up in the action, dissolving into tears as the star crossed lovers battled against the forces trying to keep them apart.

Haru meanwhile had looked utterly unmoved. Not even the swimming shots seemed to perk his interest, and when Rin had tried his practiced I’m-just-getting-comfy-and-oh-look-my-hand-is on-your-hand-now move, Haru had just shot him a quizzical glance and passed him the popcorn.

When they finally emerged from the dark of the theatre into the glare of the lobby Haru had pointed out that Rin had been crying, but somehow did it in a way that made Rin want to murder him and so they’d spent the walk to the station arguing pettily over who was-or-was-not a giant cry baby and who might-just-have-a-heart-of-stone.

The wait for the train had been tense and awkward and as they finally got seated and pulled away from the station it had started to rain, great fat droplets of the kind that could seep right down into your skin. Rin hadn’t thought to bring an umbrella and Haru didn’t seem to believe in them and so, with Rin stuck in shoes too tight and shiny for running, they had been forced to tramp soggily back to Haru’s, water dripping in Rin’s collar and the cold burrowing straight to his heart. Because surely he had thoroughly fucked it.

When they had arrived back at Haru’s Rin had loitered hunched outside, stubbing his toe against the ground and feeling defeated.

But then Haru had turned back to him brows raised, “Aren't you coming in?”, leaving Rin to choke on his surprise.

Still waiting for the axe to fall he had meekly followed Haru only to find himself rather unceremoniously pushed up against the wall, Haru’s mouth hungry on his before he could protest.

“Haru wha-”

Haru pulled back frowning. “You said after we’d been on a date we could…”

“B-but why would you even want to? I ruined it Haru! You hated the film, we fought, the restaurant messed up and we got rained on… I mean…”

“I had a good time Rin.”

Rin was open mouthed and incredulous. “How?!”

Haru had just shrugged as if it was obvious. “I was with you.”

“H-haru! How can you just say things like that!” Rin had spluttered, heart threatening to burst, only to find his objections silenced a new.

* * *

As it happened, the start of their second ‘first date’ was also less than smooth in that they were immediately forced to push it back by a few days.

With Haru’s return to training and the team back at full strength coach felt it fitting to officially announce that Rin had been selected as the new team Captain. Rin had stood pale and shocked into silence as Watanabe listed the qualities that had earned him the honor, his expression a mirror of when he’d been selected as the Samezuka team captain two years prior. Haru had applauded with the others, the tender smile on his face only slightly tempered by the sinking realisation that Rin still didn’t seem to understand how much he merited the title.

After that the team had as much as insisted that they all went out to celebrate Rin’s new role along with Haru’s national record.

Haru and Rin had crammed together in a cheap karaoke booth wedged in between their team and listened to various hits get slaughtered (and more than one shouty rendition of ‘we are the champions’), Rin blushing as their thighs were pushed close. But they hadn’t managed to exchange much beyond a shy, pleased ‘hey’ among the admirably boisterous celebrations, fingers laced inconspicuously below the table.

It didn’t help that if their teammates had picked up on the significant thawing of relations between the pair it seemed they weren’t quite ready yet to trust the two alone. Despite Rin’s best efforts every attempt to pull Haru aside were thwarted, various members of their team running interference and suddenly finding pressing matters to discuss. Haru hid his irritation with much less success than Rin who returned from one particularly ‘deep and meaningful’ with the outgoing Captain Watanabe to find Haru had slipped out, an apologetic text on his phone citing lingering tiredness and promising he wanted to make it up to Rin as soon as possible.

The next couple of nights Haru had to work. Rin was also kept busy with his new captain duties and various meetings with prospective agents and sponsors. It was beyond frustrating. Nothing was more important than Haru - of course nothing was - and yet their schedules conspired to keep them apart.

Training at least allowed them to be together in some capacity, but as much as they tried to steal moments alone they barely had time to get beyond an eager brush of fingers or a breathless greeting before they were inevitably interrupted.

They kept up a steady stream of texts at least – innocuous mostly, filled with the same picture swapping they’d fallen into when Rin had been anyway and repeated promises that soon - as soon as they could - they would be together. Alone.

It of course wasn’t nearly enough though. After such a revelation it felt almost physically painful to still be apart. And it also gave Rin the very last thing he needed; too much time to think.

Because what now? The answer should have been - was - obvious. _Be together._ But it was also deceptive in its simplicity. Rin had stared down the prospect of a life without Haru and had forced himself to accept it, and so to so suddenly pull back from that brink was more than a little disorienting. He didn’t know how they were supposed to move forward with all that lay broken and unspoken still between them.

It was hard to believe it was only months that they had been apart, because the distance the revelation of Haru’s engagement, and Rin’s reaction, had carved between them felt suddenly insurmountable. It was unsettling too to Rin how much like strangers they sometimes now felt. He watched as Haru dived gracefully into the pool, spotted his weight sets, and felt with painful clarity that this was not the Haru that he thought he knew. This Haru had been through something so hard, so awful to imagine and had weathered it alone.

Rin hadn’t been there.

Not for the first time - not even close - he felt utterly unmatched.  
  
There had been a time he had truly believed he was finally over such feelings. But he found himself newly in awe of Haru. He’d always known he was incredible - had admired his strength, his determination, his ability to be so unwaveringly true to himself where Rin had always struggled, faltered. But as the days past and the magnitude of what Haru had been dealing with slowly began to bleed into him, Rin realised that even after all this time he had not yet fully grasped just how special Haru was.

It was in some ways thrilling, learning that there were whole new depths and layers to the love he felt for him, but it was unsettling too, realising that despite his so-called-romantic sensibilities Rin hadn’t actually been the partner he wanted to be. That Haru deserved. Not even close.

Rin couldn’t help but feel he’d been tested and found unbelievably wanting. Because hadn’t he been ready to ask for ‘for better and for worse’ of Haru, only to face ‘worse’ and not hold up his side of the deal?

No. Rin had run, leaving Haru fighting for them alone.

And so despite Haru’s revelation Rin had no real confidence in what that meant for what they were to be to each other. What was allowed.

For instance, when Haru had returned to the pool Rin had tried ‘subtly’ to make sure he was healthy enough to be back training and was not over exerting himself. But since Rin’s version of subtle had always come along with the equivalent of a 21 gun salute Haru had been visibly irritated until he had beaten Rin definitively in the 100 free just to prove a point.

Rin had never been so happy to lose, but he’d felt a strange frustration too. Now he knew the truth all he wanted was to take care of Haru, but Haru seemed determined to insist he didn’t need any taking care of from Rin. The repeated refrain from the night of his revelation (‘ _I’m ok’ , ‘I’m fine’, ‘stop worrying’, ‘don’t fuss’_ ) doing nothing to quell the growing guilt and anxiety in Rin.

Rin knew he shouldn’t feel wounded by it, had no right, but it still didn’t seem like a good sign that Haru wouldn’t let him look after him. He wasn't sure how to bring it up though. If he even should.

The fact was there was just so much to talk about - big things, scary things - and Rin didn’t know how to even think about starting. Instead he had sweated and stewed and stormed all alone.

So was he ready for their date?

No, Rin was not.

* * *

“Yep. Ready.”

Haru watched enchanted at the soft blush that painted over Rin’s cheekbones. He wanted to press his fingers there, to chase the colour over Rin’s skin. He managed to restrain himself and instead allowed himself another small smile.

“Then follow me”

Haru guided Rin away from the training centre and back out of the heart of Tokyo towards his new neighbourhood. They stood close on the underground but not speaking, only occasionally trading shy smiles as their eyes met among the crush of commuters.

He led Rin to his local rec centre, not far from his new accomodation, stopping in the shade of the forecourt.

“This is my new pool Rin.”

Haru looked back at Rin pleased and expectant.

Rin looked past him, up at the shabby looking building and couldn't hide the slight frown. Haru felt his heart sink.

Of course. Rin didn’t know, couldn’t know how many times Haru had come here over the past weeks - not really even to swim - often just to steal 10 or 15 minutes to just to be in the water and think of Rin. Times when he’d needed to wash away the stress and strain of the restaurant, of holding his life together by the tips of his fingers. Times when he had been starting to despair that he would ever make any progress with breaking away from his parents.

This place had become important to him, and so he’d wanted Rin to know it.

And he had thought that they might be safe here. He’d wracked his brain over what would be the right setting and thought that a pool would familiar ground, free from too much pressure and expectation. But Rin looked mildly disappointed. Haru mentally kicked himself. He should have known better. Of course generous, romantic Rin would have planned something much more exciting, a much grander gesture.

“Is it… is it an OK date Rin? I wanted to share it with you….to swim with you again.”

Rin confusion only seemed to deepen. “But...we just finished swimming Haru?”

“I wanted to swim with _you_ Rin.” Haru looked away. “I’m sorry. It’s stupid. We can go somewhere else.”

Rin choked on air and looked like he wanted to drown himself on the spot. Instead, he reached out and grabbed Haru’s arm, his fingers warm as they brushed against the delicate skin of Haru’s wrist.

“No. No! Shit, I’m sorry. It’s a good date Haru….Show me. I want to see your new pool. I …er I really want to swim with you too.”

Haru examined Rin’s expression and, finding him ernest, finally relaxed a little and led the way in. The receptionist seemed to recognise him and waved them through without charge.

The main pool was half empty in the dinner time lull and they quickly claimed a lane to share. They swam a few lazy laps side by side, but after training neither were much in the mood for much beyond that so instead they sat together on the side, legs trailing in the water, close but not touching.

Rin glanced over at Haru from the corner of his eyes, a small smirk playing on his lips.

“So Haru. If this is your new pool aren't you going to introduce me to the water or something?”

Without looking over, without even skipping a beat, Haru reached down and directed a rather large splash at Rin’s face.

“There, now you’re introduced.”

Rin spluttered, mouth going slack with shock, and for just a second Haru worried he’d made a mistake.

But then it came. Rin leant back on his elbows, tipped his head back and laughed. He laughed and laughed and Haru felt himself flush from his head to his toes with pleasure at the sound. Gods how he had missed Rin’s laugh.

“Man I have _missed_ you.” Rin gasped out, just about getting himself under control, the words spoken almost without thinking and utterly lacking in guile.

Haru turned to him, eyes blown wide. “Rin! ...I’ve missed you too. Badly.”

They gazed at each other, held in the moment, before Rin’s eyes clouded slightly and he started to look far too serious for all the laughter than had come before. Haru watched the change and felt his heart sink. After all, whose fault was it that they had parted in the first place. Eventually Rin coughed a little awkwardly and turned away.

“So, um what do you want to do now?”

Haru thought rapidly. He hadn’t meant for the atmosphere to have become so heavy so quickly. He knew there was so much they needed to lay out between them but, selfishly, he didn’t want to have to see Rin be sad and serious and hurt just yet. There had been too much of that already. After so much absence all he really wanted was to enjoy the chance to be together. To see Rin smile again. Hear his beautiful laugh. He glanced over the pool and an idea sparked. He turned back to Rin, a glint of challenge in his eyes.

“Want to try sneaking into the kids pool and do floats races?”

Rin’s expression instantly brightened, “You’re on!”

They raced and raced and messed around doing bombs and belly flops and silly dives and seeing who could hold their breath underwater the longest as if they were back to being children until the lifeguard eventually stopped humoring them and the warning whistle blasts turned serious. Rin ducked his head in a apology but couldn’t wipe the grin from his face. It had been childish and ridiculous but also perfect. Haru couldn’t remember the last time he had felt happier.

The lightness of the atmosphere broke a little again in the locker room though. They showered and changed a polite distance apart, eyes averted as if they hadn’t already seen everything hundreds of times before. Haru figured it maybe wasn’t the worst idea - survival instinct as much as anything else - he wasn’t sure right then he could handle seeing Rin wet and naked and not do something that at best would see him barred from the facility and at worst might end up with police involvement (it was a family friendly establishment after all...).

After they were done, Haru led Rin to a local noodle bar. It wasn’t much, small and cosy and low key, but Haru had walked past it many times and thought it looked welcoming. They were shown to a small table nestled in the corner and ordered warming bowls of noodle soup with sides of mackerel and chicken respectively.

It was more awkward than Haru had hoped it would be. There was so much to say, so much to catch up on but it was quickly apparent that neither one really knew where to start. They stuck to safe topics - swapping gentle small talk about training, about the cup and their team. About Makoto and Sousuke’s apparent new ‘closeness’. They ribbed each other cautiously about their games in the pool, Rin claiming a bite of Haru’s meal as a reward for his superior dive bombing skills in a way that would have been just like old times had his grin not faltered as he looked up through his lashes to make sure it was ok.

Despite the slightly stilted conversation they still drew out the meal for as long as possible until the place had emptied out and the waitress was sweeping around them. Once it could be put off no longer, Haru signalled for the check resulting in a fresh spark of tension again as Haru insisted that he would cover it despite Rin’s panicked protests. Haru narrowed his eyes as he pushed his wallet firmly forward.

“I asked you so I’m paying. The next one can be on you.”

Only the implication that there would indeed be a ‘next one’ was able to shut Rin up enough that he relented.  

They walked together slowly to the nearest underground station, close but not quite touching, shoulders and elbows just bumping occasionally as they stretched the short walk out as much as possible.

Haru wasn’t sure how they should say goodnight and wished he had planned it better in advance. It was getting late, too late really with training so early the next morning, and there hadn’t been any suggestion of going on anywhere else. He desperately wanted to hug Rin, to hold him close, even kiss him maybe if he would allow it, but when they reached the station entrance it was busy, a steady stream of late night commuters heading in and out so he knew with a sinking feeling it wasn’t going to happen. Too many people. He didn’t wanted their second ‘first kiss’ to have to contend with the judgement of strangers. Wouldn’t ask that of Rin.

Instead they pulled to a stop standing across from each other. The wind was ruffling Rin’s hair slightly and his eyes were dark and fixed on Haru’s. Not for the first time, not by far, Haru was stuck by Rin’s strange ability to make him miss him, make him want him, long for him with an almost painful intensity all the while being less than an arms length away. Haru tried to push away the disappointment at not being able to just sweep him up into a kiss and instead to enjoy these final moments - to soak up the fact that Rin was really here, with him, on a date. That they had essentially spent a whole day together.

Finally, reluctantly, he nodded his head towards the station.

“You’d better go Rin. It’s gotten late. You don't want to miss the last train. But thank you for coming. I- I had a good time Rin.”

 _Because I was with you._ He added silently.

Rin straightened up as if slightly startled, tearing his eyes from Haru’s and nodding. He turned as if to leave, but then seemed to get stuck half the way round before whirling back again to face Haru. He stuck his arm out and grabbed Haru’s hand, jerking it back and forth strangely as he rushed out “I-had-a-good-time-too. Thank-you-Haru,” before he turned tail and fled down the steps.

Haru looked at his hand confused before a small smile slowly played across his lips.

Rin was impossibly cute when he got flustered.

-x-

Much to the alarm of his fellow passengers, Rin spent the journey home with his head in his hands groaning softly at the absolute horror show he had made of saying goodnight to Haru. He wasn’t even sure what had come over him. He’d have to send a message, something that would make things right. _Of all the ways to say goodnight…_

But as it turned out, Haru had gotten there first, Rin’s phone trilling as soon as he surfaced from the station near Watanabe’s flat and had signal. It was a text from Haru, the timestamp showing it had been sent almost exactly after he had left.

_[Rin, did you just shake my hand?]_

Rin groaned louder and slammed his palm against his head so enthusiastically that the women walking behind him jumped in fright.

_[What! No]_

He text back quickly. Face burning.

_[Rin that was totally a handshake]_

_[It was not!]_

_[Goodnight Rin x]_

* * *

The next day after morning training Rin lingered unsubtly at Haru’s side, his voice helpfully cracking as he asked what Haru had planned for the afternoon before their next training session. He had prepared himself that Haru might have class or need studio time, but he still hoped he was wrong and that they might be able to steal a chance to be alone somewhere - that he might have an opportunity to make up for his disastrous ending to their date.

He tried valiantly to hide his disappointment and his surprise both when Haru answered that he was headed into work to squeeze in some prep before his evening shift.

_Of course, Haru had a job now… he needed to work. Needed to earn money because he no longer had any. Because of …_

“Rin?”

Haru cut off Rin’s rapidly spiralling thoughts, noting the way the corners of Rin’s mouth tugged down ever so slightly. Rin rolled his shoulders and tried for a smile.

“But I’ll see you in the pool?”

“Yeah. In the pool.”

He let Haru go.

Rin didn’t have any classes himself that day and walked around the campus at a loose end. Sousuke was busy and he knew Makoto had class. They also weren’t exactly the company he was craving right then….

Despite himself he found himself looking up Haru’s restaurant. Found himself wandering in what just happened to be the direction of its location.

He told himself it wasn’t snooping. That he wouldn’t even go in. That he only wanted to see it. To be able to picture where Haru now spent so much of his time.

That plan fell apart spectacularly when, still across the street and almost half a block away, he spotted Haru crouched outside and putting the finishing touches to a chalkboard sign.   

Rin froze, then drifted closer, drawn like a moth to a candle until he was just across the road from Haru. He’d never seen Haru in uniform like he was now, clad in a double breasted white chef’s jacket with a blue neckerchief fastened around his throat and a long dark apron wrapped around his waist and legs down to the knee. He noted that Haru’s bangs were pushed back away from his face and secured with a small sparkly clip on the top of his head. Rin felt himself swallow hard. How was it even remotely fair of Haru to look so hot and so unbelievably cute all at the same time...

As if on cue, Haru looked up and spotted him and his eyes did that thing. Shining and becoming - if even possible - a more brilliant blue.

"Rin! What are you doing here?”

Rin was so mesmerized he forgot how to form words.

Haru blinked at him.

“Rin?”

Shaking himself, Rin finally recovered and dashed guiltily across the street.

“I er... Makoto told me the name of this place. I wanted to see it.” Then blushing as an afterthought he added “Is It ok? That I came by. I mean is it allowed.” Rin shifted nervously, but when Haru wiped his brow the smile that lit his face was genuine.

“Yeah Rin, I’m really glad you came. Can I show you around?”

Rin nodded wordlessly and allowed Haru to direct them into what turned out to be a small, but very charming restaurant.

Rin watched, still rather wonderstruck, as Haru navigated around to the impressive looking driftwood bar with ease and obvious familiarity. He looked like he belonged.

Haru dropped the chalks he had been using and dinged on a small bell. A small, rather rotund man with kind eyes and a shock of bushy white hair emerged from somewhere at the back wiping his glasses.

Haru gave a small bow of his head.  

“Mr Nakata. Please allow me to introduce Matsuoka Rin. Rin, this is my boss Mr Nakata”

Mr Nakata shoved his glasses on hastily and smiled broadly at Rin, his eyes crinkling up as he ignored Rin’s polite bow in favor of delivering a hearty slap on the back.

“Oh Haruka finally! _The_ Matsuoka Rin? Delighted! Everyone - get out here we have a celebrity in our midst.”

“Huh, what?” Rin blinked surprised.

A tall, pretty waitress burst out of a staff-only door looking mischievous.

“The old man means you sweetie. I’m Yumi. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Mr-gold-medal-butterfly-swimmer-who-trained-in-Australia-likes-steak-and-is-kind-and-beautiful-Matsuoka. Our Haruka’s usually such a quiet one but when it comes to you we almost can’t get him to shut up. ”

Haru flushed. “She’s exaggerating.”

Rin felt his heart flip and he flashed a cocky smile at Haru. “Oh, is that so?”

“He even goes a bit pink and glowy. Just like now actually.” Yumi continued cheerfully. “It’s so wonderful to finally meet you.” she pressed a generous, wet kiss to Rin’s cheek and sauntered off back to the kitchen. Rin stood shocked and stammering.

“Don’t mind Yumi. She does that to everyone” Haru said frowning.

Rin reached up to rub his cheek, his fingers coming away stained pink by her lipstick. His eyes widened suddenly in realisation and he looked up at Haru. Haru caught the reaction and his cheeks warmed slightly. He leaned in, words spoken softly for Rin’s ears only.

“Better rub it off before coach see’s or he’ll give you hell.”

Rin wanted the ground to swallow him as his own words were parroted back to him, but they left it at that.

“Nanase, enough flirting I need you in the kitchen.” Came a booming voice. A grumpy looking man in chefs whites stuck his head out from the service hatch and then proceeded to waggle a small but rather sharp and pointy looking knife in Rin’s direction. “And you. It’s good to meet you. For now. But you watch how you treat our Haruka or I might be inclined to give you a personal demonstration of my julienne skills, if you catch my drift?”

Haru looked completely unruffled but Rin’s eyes widened in alarm and he ducked his head guiltily

Mr Nakata grinned as if the man had made a funny joke and slapped Rin on the back again causing him to jump. “Don’t mind Yoshiya thats him being friendly really. Matsuoka, it was so good to finally meet you! Please come back when we’re open and you can try some of your boyfriends cooking.”

Rin rubbed the back of his neck and turned to Haru. “Ah, I guess I should…”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s going to be my first time on the specials tonight.” Haru explained, unable to keep from puffing his chest out slightly with pride. Rin couldn’t resist a gentle tease.

“The specials huh? So when do I get to get to see these fancy new skills of yours in action?”

Haru’s eyes lit up.

“You want me to cook for you Rin?”

Rin blushed, suddenly feeling flustered.

“Oh I didn’t… I mean only if you wanted…”

“I want to.” Haru interrupted firmly. “When?”

“Erm well I guess whenever works with your shifts then, I mean …”

“Saturday. I can get off at 6 so come to mine for 7?” Haru's eyes were positively sparkling. A Saturday with Rin again, finally.

“You mean come to your squat?” Rin teased fondly, feeling a pleasant bubbling feeling in his chest.

“It’s not so bad Rin. You’ll come?”

“Yeah I’ll come.”

“Saturday at 7.” Haru repeated, his eyes so warm and hope filled that Rin felt he was in danger of melting into them.

“Yes Haru I’ll come. Now um I guess I better let you get back to it before I get you in trouble with that chef. He’s… kind of terrifying.”

Rin faltered a moment as he cast his eyes a final time around the restaurant trying to take it all in. This place. These people who knew Haru as ‘their Haruka’. A whole new life Haru had forged for himself while Rin had been busy running away.

Haru watched him closely with a small flutter of panic and hoping desperately that what Rin was feeling was more akin to pride than pity. But Rin recovered swiftly and gathered himself, delivering a not totally convincing grin as they lingered stood face to face and unsure exactly of how to part.

“Well, em see you later. At training.” Rin finally mumbled giving an awkward little wave. He only made it a half step away though before he felt Haru throw his arms around his neck, taking him by surprise into a tight hug.

“Thank you Rin. For coming to see me.” he mumbled against Rin’s hair, before pulling away again and dashing into the kitchen.

Rin blushed beetroot and wandered out of the restaurant in a daze. As if it hadn’t been enough that Nanase Haruka was a record-breaking swimmer and an incredibly talented artist now he was also a proper working chef…

...And he was going to cook for Rin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So surprise surprise things are not totally resolved just yet... I do have the whole ‘working though it’ chat coming up soon and there will hopefully be more fluff-type stuff coming too so I do hope this isn’t too disappointing or off putting. (Side note: you know you are writing a bloody miserable fic when you feel the overwhelming urge to apologise for every chapter…This story makes way more sense in my head than what comes out when I come to actually write it.) 
> 
> **Next chapter**  
>  Haru tries to woo Rin with his cooking, but Rin finds it harder than expected to allow himself be wooed.


	17. SEVENTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:**  
>  Contains one brief and non-graphic NSFW scene and a couple of minor moments that imply social homophobia (this will be a little more prominent in a few upcoming chapters so just flagging here too to be extra cautious)

_"Are we there yet." Rin complains for the fifth, maybe the tenth time. His eyes are blindfolded, one hand resting on Haru's shoulder (much safer than holding hands. In public at least)_  
  
_"Has anyone told you what an incredibly patient person you are?” Haru grumbles, but he lifts his hand to squeeze Rin's fingers where they rest against him. A fleeting reassurance._  
  
_Rin gives a small snort and resists the urge to hook his arm around Haru’s neck. To pull him closer. (Later. He thinks. Many many laters. He hopes)._  
  
_The ground grows softer underfoot and suddenly Rin’s nose is being tickled by a familiar scent, his skin occasionally brushed by glancing caresses, almost like butterfly wings. Excitement thrums up in him but he tries to temper it. Thinks of all the reasons he might be wrong._

_Haru watches amused as Rin wrinkles his nose under the blindfold. He’s guessed, he knows he has, but Haru enjoys watching the excitement start to spread over his features, the way he knows Rin is trying (and failing) to tamp it down._

_He spots the underclassman he has paid to hold their spot - the very best spot he could find - and gives him a quick thumbs up so he can discreetly remove himself. He leads Rin over._

_“Ok Rin. We’re here. You can look.”_

_Rin rips the blindfold off immediately, unable or unwilling to lie in ignorance even a moment longer. Any conflict Haru may have felt about using his father’s money for this melts under the warmth of Rin’s smile as he takes in the scene around them, eyes so wide and so bright that Haru can’t look away._

_“Haru its…”_

_It’s Ueno park, a picnic blanket laid carefully under the boughs of the sakura trees. Sure, it's not quite as stunning as it will be in a day or two when the tree’s full bloom will start to fade in a swirling shower of petals, but its breathtaking enough as it is. And Haru couldn’t wait anymore. He’s waited enough._

_Rin has been in Tokyo a full week and while he is staying at Sousuke’s in name, in reality they’ve spent more time in Haru’s bed than anywhere else. Haru still hasn’t managed to return the words Rin said to him that first night - he’s tried but his throat seems to close each time - but this he can do. He can show Rin. For as long as Rin decides to let him._

_“Haru I … you… this is…”_

_Haru watches Rin curl and uncurl his hands, knows he wants to reach out - to hug him probably - but is trying to hold back because it's so public. The park is busy and will remain busy all night, all week until the fleeting blossoms are gone._

_But Rin of course loses the battle and crushes Haru into a quick one arm hug - brief enough that it could be mistaken as platonic. The sudden warmth then equally sudden loss of it makes Haru’s skin tingle._

_“Haru, I love it.”_

And you love me. _Haru thinks, still a little drunk on the fact._

_“I thought we should celebrate.” He explains, then looks away a little sheepish. “I know coach has offered you the scholarship... I overheard him talking. And whatever you do, whatever you decide we should celebrate that.”_

_Haru is trying to be sincere - has told himself he will accept whatever Rin decides - but Rin’s brows furrow and his expression drops._

_“Haru I decided.”_

_“What?”_

_The apples of Rin’s cheeks are starting to burn red and he’s having trouble holding Haru’s gaze - fixes him with something between a plea and a glare._

_“I agreed. I’m sorry I know we should have spoken about it first but... I just got so excited I said yes on the spot.”_

_It’s Haru’s turn to frown._

_“Rin that’s…”_

_Incredible. Wonderful. Everything Haru has been hoping but swore he wouldn’t ask for._

_“...what is there to discuss?”_

_“Us.” Rin presses. “I mean we’ll be at the same school. On the same team. Training together everyday. Sometimes more than once a day.”_

_Haru still doesn’t understand which part of that might warrant debate._

_Rin registers that Haru is still nonplussed and exhales heavily, his bangs fluttering. There’s a blossom caught just above his left ear and Haru wants to lift his hand to capture it, but he waits. Waits to hear what Rin has to say._

_“Look Haru this past week I know we’ve been...”_  
  
_Fucking? Sleeping together? Making love? Haru wonders which it’ll be._  
  
_“You know.” He finishes lamely._  
_  
“I know. I was there.”_

 _Rin blushes deeper and scrubs his hand through his bangs. Haru watches the dislodged blossom flutter away, holding his breath. Perhaps Rin is going to tell him he loves him again. That wasn’t the point of this trip, but he can’t say he hasn’t considered it. Hadn’t resolved that if it came to pass he would say it back this time. No matter what._  
_  
But instead what Rin continues with is, “If we do this. If I’m staying. I want it to be proper this time. Official. Well, I mean that is if you do. So…. what do you say? Will you... Nanase Haruka will you be my boyfriend?”_

 _Rin almost shouts the last part, his voice becoming high and tight and more than a little desperate. Haru thinks he can hear water rushing in his ears._ Boyfriend _. Of course that’s what he wants. Of course._

_But another name, another label, another person, echoes behind it._

_“What do you mean, boyfriend?”_

_Rin flushes, his face forming a light scowl._  
_“You know what the word means Haru.”_  
_  
“I want to know what it means to you.”_

 _He’s trying to buy himself time. Not even all that elegantly, it’s just he’s been planning this all week and yet suddenly he wishes they were anywhere else. Because he needs to tell Rin, needs to say something but how can he possibly do it here - surrounded by the blooms that Rin loves so much and where the air feels full of romance and hope._  
  
_Rin rakes a hand through his hair again, a little flustered. He hadn’t expected a Q &A section to his proposal, and the cherry blossoms swirling around them are tugging on his soppiest, most romantic tendencies making him scared that he’s going to say too much, ask too much. _  
  
_“It means it’s you and me. Together. That I’m the only person you kiss and I’m the only one that gets to kiss you. And we spend time together - dates and stuff. That we get to go to bed together and wake up together - and not just now and then - often. Like, not all the time if you don’t want, but enough. Enough so that I don’t have to miss you every day and wish you were there. And who knows, maybe one day we can get a place together, the two of us and you’ll be there everyday and I won’t have to miss you at all. And you won’t miss me ... I mean if you...”_  
_  
“I miss you Rin. Every time.” Haru interrupts, resolve forming. He has time. He still has some time. Until Olympic trials. His father had agreed hadn’t he? More than a year away. He can still solve it._

_The corners of Rin’s lips curve up a little: he’s pleased but trying not to show it._

_“So… what do you think? Will you be my boyfriend?”_

_Haru opens his mouth to say yes, but what he blurts out instead is, “I waited for you Rin. I know you told me not to but I did. Just like I said.”_

_And then more surprisingly. “I’m in love with you too.”_

_Haru’s eyes widen in time with Rin’s, surprised at himself. At how easy, how natural it was after all to say the words he’s known to be true for so long._

_Rin sputters a little then gathers himself. “So… thats a yes?”_

_Haru nods once, not trusting himself with words anymore. Too much is coming out. He feels so full of everything between them that’s perhaps it’s only natural that it starts to spill._

_Rin laughs and tackles Haru into another all-too-brief hug. When he pulls away his smile is so wide and bright and so purely happy that Haru resolves there and then that he’ll do whatever it takes to protect that happiness._

_“I love you too Haru. So much. So fucking much.”_

_-x-_

_In the wake of their new agreement they are both restless. They sit side by side on the picnic blanket, quietly glowing, and pretend to look at the trees and pick at the hanami bento Haru arranged for them, but the truth is neither have much appetite for anything but each other. They keep catching themselves staring stupidly - Haru forcing himself to look away.  Rin’s grin is practically blinding, he feels a little dazed by it._

_When dark finally falls they - shyly at first - allow themselves to press a little closer, becoming bolder as the sky turns from mauve to inky. In the safety of the shadow they are just another pair of lovers kissing in the dark. Haru can almost pretend that that’s all they are. That there is nothing standing against them._

* * *

Rin travelled on the underground to Haru’s flat jittering with nerves. It still felt wrong to be heading to Haru’s new neighbourhood rather than his old flat, but then, so much had changed he supposed really this was the least of the strangeness.

He hadn’t known what to wear. He wasn’t sure if this was supposed to count as another date or not, Haru hadn't said and so he’d spent far too many hours that afternoon dithering about clothing choice, at first opting for jeans and a jumper, before worrying it was too casual for a date and swapping to a shirt. Then he’d worried that he’d look far too overdressed just for hanging out at Haru’s new accommodation and swapped back to the jumper. He’d tied his hair up, then put it down, then tied it back up. He couldn’t remember which Haru liked best. Had he ever said?

By the time he actually arrived at Haru’s door he felt like a sweaty mess, his palms damp and his pulse running far too fast. Haru had answered on the second knock, pulling the door open eagerly, his eyes bright with pleasure.

“Rin you came!”

Haru had clearly just recently showered as his hair was still a little damp and curling at the ends. He’d changed out of his work clothes, wearing a fresh pressed shirt with the top two buttons left open and what Rin recognised as his one ‘good’ pair of jeans. Rin swallowed trying not to stare at the pale, smooth skin of Haru’s throat and cursed himself for opting for the jumper.  

“Of course I came, I said I would right?”

Haru just nodded and pulled Rin into a quick hug before leading him to his room. Rin felt a little dizzy, distracted by the faint splash of cologne that he was unfamiliar with but could smell on Haru’s skin. In all honestly it didn’t much suit Haru - too heavy and spiced - but the gesture made his heart flutter.

Rin had to hide a little laugh of surprise when he saw what Haru had done. In the small space available he’d somehow managed to set up a small makeshift table between the two beds that he’d covered with a white cloth from his restaurant. The room had clearly been tidied, and blankets spread over what piles of belongings Haru hadn’t been able to move. He’d even bought a candle and placed it in the centre of the table flickering. Definitely a date then, Rin thought, a lump forming in his throat.

“My roommate is away tonight. Are you hungry? I just need to get the food heated. I’ll be back in a second. Sit down” Haru directed as he vanished from the room.

Rin nodded absently and looked around Haru small space, his neat belongings. His eyes landed on a small photo framed next to his bed, his eyes widening in recognition. It was a selfie of himself and Haru taken not too long after he’d first come back to Japan. They were in Ueno park for cherry blossom season, stood in the middle of a crop of cherry trees, Rins arm slung over Haru’s shoulder. Rin picked it up and felt tears prick. They’d both been so happy, so hopeful that day. They were finally together, sharing their dream. It had felt untouchable then. And Haru had kept it by him all this time?

He didn’t have long to ponder the meaning though as he heard the door and hurriedly shoved the photo back down. Haru struggled into the room carrying a tray and Rin rushed up to help him. Haru’s eyes flicked to the photo but didn’t say anything. Instead he set down the tray and started explaining the selection of dishes, each presented beautifully in small serving bowls.

Salted salmon. Marinated tuna with avocado and rice, Spicy fried tofu with dashi, sake steamed clams, prawn gyoza, yakisoba and buckwheat noodle soup with duck.

It was quite the spread.

“I brought dessert too. I know you don’t really like sweet things. But I brought some. Just incase.”

“You...you cooked all this?” Rin blinked surprised

Haru blushed a little.

“Nakata said I could use the kitchen so long as we stayed quiet. There’s no space here.”

“But...there’s no mackerel?”

“I cook all kinds of things now Rin, all kinds of fish.”

Rin was slightly opened mouthed. Haru smiled shyly, only the very corners of his mouth lifting.

“I still like mackerel best though.”

“This is... truly impressive Haru.”

Haru’s smile widened.

“You really think so Rin?”

“Of course I do! Haru it’s so much … it’s too much.”

Rin bowed his head feeling a strange wave of some uncomfortable emotion pass over him, though he couldn’t quite call it into words. He felt Haru’s palm gently, tentatively stroke his cheek and looked up to meet blue eyes full of tenderness.

“Eat Rin. I made this for you.”

Rin smiled softly and put his hands together, folding forward a little.

“Itadakimasu, Haru.”

Haru smiled back looking relieved.

“Dozo Rin.”

They ate mostly in silence, Rin occasionally exclaiming how good the food was, but Haru for the most part content just to watch him enjoy. Once the plates were mostly empty Haru cleared them - batting away Rin’s attempts to help - and they settled back against the small beds pleasantly full and watching each other.

Rin spoke first.

“You’re… you’re really good at this you know Haru. Your job - cooking - you like it?”

Haru nodded decisively.

“I do. It’s not the same as swimming it doesn’t come … it doesn’t _feel_ as natural but I like it. Making things with my hands. Seeing people enjoy it. And my friends at the restaurant they… they look out for me. I think you’d like it Rin. It’s another kind of team. And Mr Nakata says I have promise. That I might even be able to run my own restaurant one day.”

Rin sat up a little straighter, blinking and watched the small, pleased little blush that was warming Haru’s cheeks as he talked about his cooking.

“And that’s… something you’ve thought about? Something you might want.”

Haru flicked his eyes over Rin’s face, suddenly looking a little wary.

“I want to swim. To swim with you Rin. That’s my dream right now. The most important one. But… maybe. Maybe later when I can’t compete anymore… maybe this could be a different dream.”

Rin was quiet for a long time forcing Haru to break the silence. “What do you think Rin?”  
  
In all honesty Rin wasn’t sure what he was feeling. The churn of emotions was too much and something he’d need to unpick later. Because he saw Haru curled up tight in a hotel room. Mere centimetres away but seemingly so lost, alone and unsure. And he saw him now, talking about the future, about new dreams with confidence and purpose. And it felt like his chest was going to burst with pride... but it hurt too, in some strange undefinable way. As if he didn’t have any right to the feeling. Might not have a right to any of it anymore.  

“I-I think it’s a good dream Haru.” He finally replied stiffly feeling himself at risk of choking up.

 _But you look sad._ Haru thought.

“What about you Rin?” He asked quietly, carefully. “Do you ever think about what to do after? After our dream? We never really spoke about it before.”

 _Our dream._ Unbidden images flooded Rin’s brain. The house he’d wanted for them. By the sea of course, hopefully close to his mom too. He’d pictured it so clearly - full of photos and medals on the walls showcasing their adventures together. He’d seen a studio in the garden for Haru to paint, an office for himself. A big bedroom upstairs - airy and light and _theirs._ Maybe even eventually with room for a crib, if the world could just catch up to them. All the makings of a shared life.

But he’d never told Haru. And wasn’t that half the problem?

“I don’t know.” he replied slowly. “I mean we haven’t even qualified yet. I want to give swimming my all for as long as I can. I don’t know about after.”

Haru nodded and Rin thought he saw a flash of something in his eyes - gone too fast to be sure. “Whatever you decide for your future you’ll do great Rin. I know you will. And well… any dream I have I want you there too, Ok?”

Rin bit hard on the inside of his cheek to stop himself from bursting into tears again. He’d done enough of that already.

“Ok, Haru.” he simply whispered.

Haru gave a soft smile that was suddenly interrupted by a yawn. He covered his mouth looking apologetic. Rin looked at the time and realised it was already getting kind of late. It would take him over an hour to get home and Haru had been working all day and they both had training early in the morning.

Reluctantly he motioned to the clock. “It’s getting kind of … maybe I should…”

But Haru’s hand shot out, grabbing him by the sleeve.

“Don’t go Rin. Not yet. Not unless you have to.” Haru’s eyes were large and unguarded and hopeful.

Rin wavered. He probably should. But did he have to? He looked at Haru and it was still all he had wanted since he before he knew what it was to want. To need.

“I can stay a little while longer.” he conceded.

Haru nodded, satisfied, and then slowly, as if handling a wild animal, he moved his hand down Rin’s arm and laced their fingers together.  “I’m really glad you came Rin”

Rin nodded feeling a tightening in his chest as he gripped Haru’s hand. All he could manage was to choke out “Me too”.

He coughed, trying to clear his throat. “So erm...what do you want to do now Haru.”

Haru looked at him then looked away blushing.

“What? What is it?”

“You’ll think it's strange.” Haru murmured.

“Try me” Rin insisted, squeezing Haru’s hand lightly.

“Would you lie down with me? Just to rest. Just for a little bit.”

Rin felt the blood rush to his face. Lie together on Haru’s bed? He hadn’t been prepared for this.

“Uh sure” The words were out before his mind had had chance to catch up and stop them.

Haru looked up at him in shock, eyes widened with happy surprise.

“Really Rin?”

Rin just nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

Haru tugged against his hand then, gently leading him onto Haru’s bed. Haru lay down with his back pushed against the wall, leaving just enough room for Rin to lie next to him so that they were facing each other, knees bumping slightly but other than that not really touching.

Rin’s skin buzzed with the want, the need to touch Haru. In his tiny bed there was barely a hands span between them, but instead he nestled one arm under his head and kept the other laced with Haru’s. Haru mirrored the pose, only finally he released Rin’s hand and reached out to gently circle his finger around the new piercing in Rin’s ear.

“Did it hurt?” He asked softly

Rin couldn’t tear his eyes from Haru’s.

“No. Not really. I mean it was kind of sharp for a second, and then it’s gets really hot and stuff, but it was ok. I wasn’t allowed to swim for a day after and it was kind of uncomfortable on the plane home .. but no.”  
  
“What made you decide to have it done?”  
  
A slight heat crept into Rin’s cheeks but he didn’t look away and when he answered, he answered honestly.

“I just needed a change... Everything felt so out of control. I wanted something to change.”

He bit his lip thinking the reasoning must sound stupid, it was only an earring after all, but Haru’s eyes softened in understanding, and as he withdrew his hand he let his fingers ghost lightly over Rin’s cheek and along his jaw before settling his arm back at his side.  
  
“I like it Rin. I think you look nice with an earring.”  
  
Rin blushed, pleased and mumbled something unintelligible. Haru felt his heart squeeze so tight it might burst. Rin was here, opposite him, in his bed, looking at him with soft happy eyes, getting flustered at compliments again. He knew they probably still had a way to go to come back together, but it was a start, and something Haru hadn’t been sure he’d ever get to experience again.

He sighed happily letting his eyes fall closed.

“You look so tired Haru. Are you sure you don’t want me to go? Let you sleep?” Rin murmured.

Haru’s hand grasped for the material of Rin’s sleeve but kept his eyes closed.

“No stay. I just want to rest for a minute. With you here. But stay. Stay with me.”

Rin nodded despite knowing Haru couldn’t see him. He watched him quietly, following the gentle rise and fall of his chest as his breathing slowed and smoothed. Rin smiled to himself. Haru always did have a knack for falling asleep fast.

As Haru slept, for the first time in months Rin let himself look at him… _really look_ at Haru properly. His hair was longer than Rin had ever seen it before, his bangs drifting over his eyes and hair feathering, curling almost over his ears. It needed a good trim he thought fondly, although it still looked soft and shiny. He also looked like he’d maybe lost some weight - whether by sickness or from all the work he had been doing Rin wasn’t sure - but his collarbones seemed a little sharper, slight hallows forming under his eyes.

More than anything he looked tired. So so tired, and Rin’s felt a deep ache as he thought yet again of all Haru that had been battling alone while he had been too blinded by his own grief to properly pay attention.

“I’m here now.” he whispered softly.

He found himself idly thinking about his and Haru’s ‘first time’ - the final in a series of ‘firsts’ that they had been building up to all summer long, slowly learning all the ways their bodies could come together to bring pleasure.

It had happened not long before Rin had been due to go to Sydney. That night Rin had dragged Haru to some party one of his Samezuka teammates had been throwing. They’d goaded each other on into taking their first sips of beer - it hadn’t been a lot, just so much that they both felt a little loose and tipsy as they ran together to make sure Haru didn’t miss the last train - but mostly they had just been drunk on each other. Giddy with the seemingly limitlessness of their shared happiness. Rin hadn’t known exactly what had come over him, but when the time came to say goodnight he’d instead found himself stepping into the carriage with Haru.

He remembered Haru’s dark house, the quiet of his room. The softness of Haru's touch. Rin had wanted to be with him so badly, but he’d been so nervous too, nervous that it would hurt, that he’d be bad at it or that he’d embarrass himself somehow, his heart had been thumping so hard in his chest he had wondered if it might be what dying was like.

They’d kissed long and slow and taken each other’s t-shirts off before slipping into bed and clutching together, marvelling that another body could feel so good. 

 _“I want to. If you do.”_ Haru had whispered.  
  
_“I do too.”_  
  
_“How?”_  
  
Rin had shifted back, allowing his thighs to fall open, exposed and vulnerable, encouraging Haru to settle between them more fully.  
  
_“Go slow,”_ he had whispered then, trying not to let the fear show through the want.  
  
And Haru had. Had been so patient and so gentle with him. Even though his own desire, his own need had been clear, he’d gone so slowly, treating Rin with such reverence that even before they had joined together Rin had lost all sense of where his body ended and Haru’s began.

It's was this Haru that he saw now. The one that would never ever hurt him, that would put his own wants, his own needs second if it meant Rin could be happy. The one he had always been.

So why did he still feel afraid to reach out? To bridge the gap between them? Rin closed his eyes, pushing the complicated mess of feelings aside and instead focusing on the much simpler pleasure of listening to the rhythm of Haru’s breathing. 

 

* * *

Haru woke slowly, drifting up from deep satisfying sleep and into the awareness of the warmth, the wonderful familiar warmth of Rin by his side. Rin had always run hot, and Haru hadn’t fully realised, really appreciated, how much the last weeks had lacked that warmth until he was back in the protective glow of his body heat. He didn’t open his eyes at first, didn’t move - barely dared to breathe - afraid he would break the spell and wake up to find it was only another dream.

But as his mind cleared, and the feeling didn’t leave, he slowly let himself breathe in deeply. Rin. Rin was there. He flexed his fingers slightly from where they were still tangled in the fabric of Rin’s jumper, unable to hold in a soft sigh of contentment.  

Slowly, he leaned into the touch, into the smell of Rin. His nose brushed against Rin’s cheek and he nuzzled in further, rubbing his own cheek against Rin’s, his nose tickled by Rin’s hair. He felt Rin start to stir slowly, to nuzzle back against him, Rin’s fingers slowly flexing and brushing against Haru’s chest. He felt a shiver of desire, of pleasure, of relief, of excitement thrum through him as Rin pulled him closer, as Rin nuzzled into his neck, his lips tantalisingly close to his skin. Rin breathed out sleepily.

_“Haru...”_

Haru was just about to tip his head, to finally capture Rin’s lips with his own when his morning alarm crackled to life. Rin woke properly with a jolt, flinching so much that despite Haru’s fumbling attempt to steady him he immediately toppled back out of the small bed, cracking his head against the opposite bunk and giving a yelp of pain and shock.

Haru sat up with a jolt, finding Rin crumpled on the floor his eyes screwed shut and rubbing his head.

“Rin? Rin are you ok?”

Rin opened one eye.

“Haru? What am I? Where… shit! I fell asleep! What time is it?”

Haru’s eyes flicked to the clock.

“Its just after 5 Rin”

“Shit shit shit. We’ve got dryland! I’m gonna be so late I don’t have any stuff.”

Haru swung his legs out of the bed and hopped to kneel beside Rin, joining him in softly rubbing the patch on Rin’s head that had been bumped.

“Rin relax, we’ve got time. And you can borrow some of my stuff.”

Haru pressed a kiss to the rapidly forming bump before swiftly getting to his feet.

“I’ll make some breakfast. We can eat on the way.”

It had been so quick, just the very briefest press of lips against Rin’s hair that Rin was left blinking and stunned on the floor as Haru left the room, trying to work out what had just happened and how he had come to have spent the night in Haru’s bed.

* * *

They made it to training in plenty of time and fell back into their old rhythms of warming up together and then taking turns spotting each other on the weights. Rin was distracted though, a little lost still in the wonder of having woken up with Haru, the heat of his body seeping into his skin even through their clothes…

Distracted that was until Haru had to shout up at him through gritted teeth as he struggled under the weight of his final set of chest press. Rin snapped back to attention and helped Haru rack the bar flushing guiltily. Haru just gave him a typical searching stare as he panted and wiped his brow.

Rin wasn’t the only one a little distracted though. The gym was notorious as the time for team gossip and Rin was sure the tops of his ears were burning with the murmurs going around their team about them - about the sudden reappearance of _team HaruandRin_.

Rin tried to ignore it and pass off his permanently flushed skin as simply ‘a good work out’ but he could quite shake how self-conscious he felt - was he standing too close? Looking too long? Was it written on his face just how exposed and unsure he was feeling?

As the session closed out they showered and changed slowly, lingering in the locker rooms until the team had emptied out. Rin already knew Haru was due to head back to the restaurant to help with the busy sunday afternoon shift, but he didn’t feel ready yet to leave his side. He pretended to be searching for something in his locker, chatting absently about the upcoming week’s training. Haru just stood and listened, a small fond smile playing on his lips.

When they really couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer Haru stepped close and wrapped his arms around Rin. Rin leaned into the touch and sighed slightly. He buried his face into the crook of Haru’s neck, breathing him in. _Haru, his Haru._

But then he felt Haru stir, pulling back every so slightly, his head turning, his lips brushing ever so lightly against Rin’s jaw, mouth soft, seeking …

Rin jerked away without thinking, taking a staggered step back and pulling himself from Haru’s arms. Too late he saw the flash of confused hurt in Haru’s eyes.

“S—sorry. I… you surprised me.”

Haru recovered quickly and gave him a small smile.  
“It’s ok Rin. I-I should go now or I’ll be late for my shift. But I’ll see you at the pool later.”  

Rin watched helpless as Haru turned and walked away. He wanted to bash his head against the nearest surface. Lucky that his locker was in handily close proximity.

_Idiot. Idiot. Idiot._

He moaned, resting his forehead against the cold hard metal.

It was Haru. _His Haru._ So why did the idea of a goodbye kiss cause him to freak out so completely? He felt like he’d taken a thousands steps back to the time when every word, every look from Haru left him feeling exposed, unsettled and vulnerable.

He pulled his phone out and tapped out a hasty text hoping Haru would get chance to see it before his shift started.

_[Haru thank you. I had a good time last night.]_

It was pathetic really. So wholly inadequate against everything he felt, everything it had meant to him. But he didn’t have to wait long for a reply. His phone chimed almost instantly (since when had Haru for so good about phones?)

[I had a good time too Rin. I liked waking up with you.]

Rin felt his cheeks burn and he made a decision, tapping out a fresh text.

_[My turn now. Can I take you out? Saturday?]_

The answer made his heart soar.

_[Yes Rin. It’s a date.]_

Rin gave a shaky exhale and pushed his phone back into his pocket before heading toward Watanabe’s place, mind already full of plans. He was done messing this up. It was time to knock Haru’s socks off.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More poor awkward Rin because I can't help myself. The next chapter is proving a total pain to get finished because it includes what I have been referring to in my head as _‘The Conversation’_ and I just can’t seem to get happy with it, but I will do my best to not leave it too long before getting it up! 
> 
> **Next chapter:**  
>  Rin’s attempt at a romantic date turns into something of a reckoning.


	18. EIGHTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Throws almost 10k of angsty dialogue into the world and runs away*
> 
>  **Content note**  
>  Mentions of homophobia and of anxiety.

As soon as his shift was over Haru practically ran from the restaurant to the nearest station, opting to leave his bike in Nakata’s office and allow himself the now-rare luxury of using his metro pass - anything if it meant he could get back earlier, get readier earlier. Maybe even see if Rin could meet him earlier.

He’d been looking forward to their date all week. Ever since the text had chimed through on his phone and lifted his spirits. He’d tried not to take it too badly that Rin had tensed, had sprung away from him when he’d attempted to part with a kiss, but the truth was he had been crushed.

He’d thought things had gone well. So much better than he had hoped. Rin had even spent the night…. but the surprise - and far worse, the fear -  in Rin’s eyes had been plain.

Haru had misread. And seeing that Rin was still scared - still feared _him_ in some way had felt like having a hot blade pressed into his ribs.  

He'd been so annoyed at himself for it too, because after the disastrous kiss in the competition locker rooms Haru had promised himself he wouldn’t rush Rin this time, wouldn’t push him to give more than he could. Because Haru knew that Rin held on to hurt, that he would write it on his heart - not because he was petty or spiteful, but because in his deepest and darkest spaces there was a part of Rin that truly felt it was what he deserved. And Haru also knew that he had hurt Rin more than he had ever thought he was possible of doing.

It felt so much like being 17 again, when Rin had been so recently shattered, the sharp edges only just knitted together, and Haru had been torn between pretending they didn’t hurt him and trying desperately to work out what he could do to help keep Rin whole. To make Rin happy again

So he had sworn to himself that he would wait and would do whatever it took, spend the rest of his life if that’s what it required, to showing Rin just how deserving of happiness he was. And to showing Rin that he was still worth being entrusted with the safekeeping of his heart.

He was looking forward to another chance to prove that that evening, and more than anything just a chance to be with Rin - just the two of them. The week of waiting had been a rough one - after completing a cycle of lighter training post-competition their pool and gym sessions had kicked up ferociously leaving Haru’s muscles screaming each day. The restaurant too had been extremely busy - Nakata seeming to think Haru’s TV interview had done the job of attracting more customers - and they’d been one chef down as Yoshiya was off sick. Haru was close to being on his knees. He fought his way onto the busy metro carriage and slumped himself against a pole, trying to fight the urge to fall asleep. Instead he distracted himself from his sore feet and fuzzy head by trying to guess what Rin had planned.

Haru didn’t really care what they did - just knowing he had a whole evening with Rin ahead of him was enough (Haru didn’t let himself think to hard about the night) - though he suspected Rin had been planning something big… All week in hard-won fleeting moments together he’d been dropping hints alongside smiles that dithered the line between cheeky and shy. All Rin had really told him was to dress smart - a suit if possible… and then Rin had been too flustered to continue, torn between apologising for the request and offering to buy or lend Haru something.

Haru frowned a little at that memory. At the implication that Rin suddenly thought him incapable of dressing up now he no longer had his father’s money or suffocating array of three-piece suits. He looked down and then away. _Ok,_ so he currently wasn’t the best argument against that because he was covered in sauce and smelled vaguely of onions … but that didn’t mean Rin had to worry about that stuff. To worry about him…

Haru felt his thoughts darken. Too many times over the last weeks he’d seen it - seen the concern flash in Rin’s eyes. The way he would leap to carry Haru’s kit bag, or buy him a coffee or offer him Rin’s own food or snacks.

He shook himself and stood up straighter. He had to wake up and perk up and be ready to show Rin that nothing had to change. That he was fine.

* * *

Haru was so busy lost in his thoughts that he almost missed his stop, and when he opened the door to his shared halls it took a few beats to notice something was off. He sniffed the air experimentally. It smelled… clean. The usual slightly damp and cloying mix of spilled beer, moldering laundry and days old dishes replaced by soap and bleach… and was that cherry?

He heard him almost before he saw him, pushing open to door to the kitchen/common room/ dump to be met by Rin humming absently to himself.

His hair was scraped back and he had slung an apron over his clothes as well as wearing a ridiculous pair of pink rubber gloves. He was just finishing up a rather intimidating stack of dishes, four sacks of garbage already tied up and lined up by the door ready to take out. Haru had never actually seen the surfaces in the room before - he tended to avoid going into the shared kitchen unless absolutely necessary - but everything was gleaming as if it were brand new. Even the usual criss cross of laundry had been restrung up in a neater arrangement.

Haru swallowed heavily. Aside from the shock of seeing him there, the contrast between the muscles of Rin’s biceps straining to be confined by his shirt sleeves and the very pink gloves was downright dangerous.

“Rin?”

Rin spun round, cheeks immediately flushing red and looking like he’d been caught doing something far less innocent that scrubbing a pan lid.

“Ah Haru. You’re back. I…. sorry. One of the guys let me in I-I didn’t mean...”

Haru suddenly felt very conscious of how he himself must look. Covered in sweat and grease and stains, his hair plastered to his forehead. He crossed his arms against himself.

“What are you doing here? We weren’t due to meet yet.”

Rin just blushed harder and dipped his head. “I know I...I was at a bit of a loose end and well… I know you don't get much time to shop and stuff so I started thinking…  I was just going to drop some things and leave I swear. But I kind of … couldn’t help myself. I mean if you have to live in a squat for a bit at least it should be clean right?”

And irrationally, Haru felt like he might burst into tears.  
  
Haru knew the place was a dump - Makoto had squeaked with alarm when he’d first seen it and Rin had hardly hidden his own reaction (even if Haru knew he was only joking when he called it a squat) - and yet suddenly Haru felt like he couldn’t bare seeing it through Rin’s eyes. Because it was his and it was the best he could do and he had been supposed to be showing Rin he could do it all by himself, not that he needed some kind of knight in fluro pink rubber gloves.  
  
“I know my mother disowned me but it doesn’t mean the position is open.”  
  
His voice was cold and flat and they both froze. Rin looked like he’d been slapped and Haru like he couldn’t quite believe the words had come out his mouth. He lifted his hand helplessly as if trying, too late, to push them back in.  
  
“I’m...I’m not trying to _mother_ you Haru ... I was only trying to... help.” Rin finally spoke, eyes lowered, voice soft, the hurt showing plain.  
  
Haru opened his mouth to apologise but what came out instead was. “I don’t need you to look after me. I want you to want to date me.”  
  
“I do want to date you Haru that’s why I’m here! I just ... fuck, I’ve fucked up again haven’t I?” Rin gripped onto the sink looking pale and faintly sick.  
  
And suddenly Haru felt like the worst person in the world. He rubbed a hand over his face and tried to push down the tired irritation he felt and focus instead on what mattered. Rin here, now, in front of him.  
  
“Rin, Rin I’m sorry I didn’t mean to be... like that. I’m just tired. I had... a long day and I just wanted to forget all this and go on a date with you.’

Rin breathed out. “No… no you’re right. I shouldn’t have just barged in. It’s not my place. I’m sorry Haru I wasn’t thinking. And look if you’re tired we don’t have to go. I could go pick up some food and we could stay in?”  
  
Haru clenched his fists. “No... no I want to. Take me on our date Rin. Please.”  
  
Rin risked a small smile. “O-ok... If you’re sure? I think you’ll like it…. How about you go take a hot shower and I’ll make us some tea and um, finish up here? I mean if that’s ok?”  
  
“It’s ok … and I… thank you.”

Haru pulled back, forcing himself to swallow down anything else that might have come out then - including, absurdly, the offer for Rin to join him. Small steps he reminded himself. Exiting the room he took one more look at Rin, concentration face back in place as he worked on a particularly stubborn patch of grime and with a small frown went to get changed.

* * *

In the cramped space of the shower Haru closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. To focus on the water beating down over his shoulders and to silence the part of him that was panicking.

Rin was worrying and feeling guilty. Haru knew he was. And the very last thing he had wanted was for Rin to feel the need to be there for him out of some strange sense of obligation. He wanted him to want to. To _want him_. But now they hadn’t even left the flat and Haru had practically shouted at him. And Rin was just trying to be nice. Haru knew that. Logically knew that. Yet he could seem to stop the part of him that wanted to scream and rage at the first sign that Rin might be at risk of pitying him...

Feeling momentarily wistful for the calm of a bath Haru finally stepped out and let himself into his room. He liberally applied his deodorant (still a little concerned about the onion smell) and dressed himself in the trousers from the suit Nakata had gifted him and a crisp white shirt he had pressed that morning. He combed his hair and looked at his appearance critically in the small square mirror that hung on the back of the door. There wasn’t much he could do about the dark circles under his eyes but he thought he looked ok. Smart. Passable. He hoped passable would be enough.

Haru returned to the kitchen to find Rin had similarly dressed himself properly, a smart jacket over his shirt and no sign of the rubber gloves. He was leaning slightly against one of the counters and sheepishly explaining to two of Haru’s flatmates the new cupboard organisation system. One had a shaved head the other a mohawk and both were looking at Rin as if he’d landed from another planet.

“Er, Nanase does this one belong to you?” Mohawk asked noticing Haru come in.

Haru nodded. “Come on Rin. Or they’ll ask you to do the bedrooms too.”

Rin turned and sucked in a breath. “Haru you…. you look…”

Haru grabbed Rin’s arm before he lapsed into full error mode unable to hide the slight curling of his lips. _Passable._

“Come on Rin. Time to go.”

Somewhere on the several flights of stairs down Rin seemed to regain his faculties and hooked his arm into Haru’s, directing them to the main road and flagging down a cab.

“Takeshiba pier please.”

Haru looked at him questioningly but Rin just smiled.

“My turn remember. Just sit back and relax.”  

* * *

Haru frowned slightly, confused and suddenly feeling awkward in his tight shoes and stiff-starched shirt.

“A boat Rin? Why are we dressed up to go on a boat?”

He’d seen cruises around the Tokyo bay before - he and Makoto had even gone on one when they’d first arrived but it had been cheap and cheerful and touristy. Quite why Rin had them in semi-formal attire was beyond him.

“Not just any boat Haru.” Rin answered with a smile and a glint in his eye “This is something special. So I hope you’re not wearing your jammers under there.”

“Why? Planning on getting me undressed?”

Haru said the words without thinking, slipping all too easily back into their teasing back and forth. But Rin seemed to choke on the air, suddenly going pale and becoming very interested in looking at the industrial fishing gear sat on the opposite pier.

Haru flushed and tried to glide past it, grabbing for Rin’s hand and squeezing his fingers lightly.

“Show me?”

The hostess smiled as Rin gave his name at the boat’s walkway, ushering them on deck and toward a glamorous reception area strung with delicate lights where they were in turn greeted by a smartly dressed waiter offering glasses of wine or champagne. Haru was about to request a soft drink when he noticed Rin grab a champagne and down half the glass almost in one. He picked up one too and sipped, wrinkling his nose slightly as the bubbles attacked his tongue and allowing Rin to maneuver them to one side to they could lean against the barriers and look out at Tokyo bay.

The boat rumbled to life not long after, starting to pull away, and for a time neither of them spoke, Haru staring at his glass with the sinking sensation Rin was still gathering himself from his earlier misstep. But then he felt Rin nudge him gently in the ribs and looked up to see him smiling softly.

“Hey, thanks again for getting the early finish. Means we still just catch the sunset, see.”

He pointed to where the sun was starting to dip below the Tokyo skyline, the sky burning red orange.

Haru turned and watched instead the way the light gilded Rin in gold, his ruby hair aflame.

“Its beautiful, Rin.”

Rin shifted then and they locked eyes. He clinked their glasses together lightly and smiled again, an easy open smile, and for one wonderful suspended moment it was as if nothing had changed. That nothing mattered but the two of them right there and then, silhouetted by the setting sun.

But then sun dipped further and something in Rin’s smile seemed to waver. He downed the rest of his drink and turned away to stare down at the churning water.

Haru watched him, then gathering his resolve he reached over and tapped two fingers lightly against Rin’s temple.

“Share?”  
  
Rin started slightly, then gave a small apologetic smile. “There’s just... a lot.” He nodded out at the view. “This was what I wanted to give you for your birthday. Before dinner with everyone. We wouldn’t have had a sunset, but it’s supposed to be beautiful in summer. Apparently sometimes they even get dolphins. I was so sure we’d be lucky and get to see some... ”  
  
Rin trailed off and Haru was stunned into silence, unsure what to do with the information. He looked at his drink again before taking a sharp swig, the liquid going down bitter.

“How was it?” Rin asked suddenly.

“What?”

“Your day. I never asked. And I never got chance to say happy birthday.”

Haru stared at the water not knowing what to say. Not wanting to remember the dashed hope and desperation of that day. Eventually he simply answered, “I missed you Rin.”

Rin nodded grimly. “I missed you too. I...I tried. I just… I was kind of a mess that day. I didn’t leave the flat. I mean I think the only reason I still have these tickets is they felt bad for me so they offered to let me rearrange. I was gonna give them to Gou.”  
  
“You were going to let Gou take someone on a romantic champagne cruise?” Haru asked sounding torn between incredulous and impressed.  
  
“No. I would have gone.” Rin muttered frowning.  
  
“Rin... she’s about to turn 18.”

“Exactly, still a kid!”  
  
Haru poked him. “You’re still only 19! Besides, were we just kids at that age?”

Rin looked away, caught. “That’s... not the same.”

“Mmm.” Haru wished he felt more triumphant, but Rin only sounded kind of sad.

They stood side by side and watched the sky turn dusky, the lights start to flicker on across the bay, shining in the dark.

A bell rang out and Rin seemed relieved for a break in the tension that had settled between them. “Ah! Come on. Dinner. I hope you’re ready for a lot of seafood…”

* * *

As it turned out neither of them ate all that much. Haru too busy staring out the window and watching the lights dance across the water, a look of soft childlike wonder on his face and Rin too absorbed watching Haru. In truth he wasn’t really sure how anyone in the room was looking at anything else. Haru was quite simply devastating, his hair a little windswept on his brow, his eyes alight reflecting the lights of the bay.

Rin was in fact so busy focusing on trying to master the erratic thump of his heart that he promptly choked on a prawn. Haru looked over at him a little puzzled and offered him a napkin. Rin just laughed and shoved in another prawn which made Haru smile and pull a face.

“You’re gross.”

“You like it.”

“I’m weird, remember?”

Rin laughed again and reached over to take Haru’s hand, but seemed to lose confidence half way. Haru closed the remaining gap and their fingers laced together over the table, tucked just out of sight behind their drinks. Rin blushed, pleased, and together they abandoned all pretense of eating and simply watched the boats progress, sneaking as many shared glances as they dared.

Eventually the dinner was cleared and a band began to set up on the wide rear deck.

“Shall we go see?” Rin asked. Haru nodded, reluctant to break contact, but following Rin outside.

Soft sweet music started to fill the air and Rin watched the makeshift dance floor fill, bright eyed and a soft soppy smile playing on his lips.

“Romantic right? My mom and dad used to dance together. In the kitchen when they thought Gou and I were asleep, but sometimes we’d creep down and watch. My dad was terrible. Stepped on her feet all the time but it just made her laugh. Gou and I would try and copy sometimes. She said I was just as bad but I dunno... I always liked it. Liked that no matter how long my dad had to be on the boats they always had that to come back to.”

Haru watched him as he spoke. He didn’t sound sad like he often did when he spoke about his father. He sounded… wistful if anything. And he looked so handsome in his suit, hair fluttering a little in the breeze. He looked like at any moment he was ready to sweep some heroine off her feet. Or like he was waiting for someone to reach out across the dance floor and claim him as theirs.

Haru chewed his lip and wondered if he should reach out. But then he thought again of how Rin had pushed him away at the competition, flinched away from him in the locker rooms, even paled on the docks. He wasn’t sure he could take that right now - seeing that look in Rin’s eyes. The one that told him just how much damage he had done and just how far they still had to go to come back together.

He found instead he had to turn away, almost overcome by a surge of warring emotions. Putting his back to the happy, dancing couples Haru walked to the starboard railing and leaned forward over the side. He closed his eyes and took in the sharpness of the sea air, tried to let it steady him. Rin moved silently to his side but resting his back against the railing, still half transfixed by the slow swirl of dance in front of them.  
  
Then he turned and watched Haru, hair inky black even against the night sky. On anyone else his posture might have looked slouchy but Haru just looked elegant. Purposeful.  
  
Rin noticed he seemed to be shivering a little though, his shirt far too thin against the rapidly cooling fall night. Rin quickly pulled off his jacket and draped it over Haru’s shoulders.  
“Here.”

Haru stiffened and shrugged away

“Don’t do that Rin.”

“Do what?”

“This” Haru motioned between them.

“Give you my jacket? You looked cold...”

“I’m fine. I’m not going to toppled by the first stiff breeze and anyway then you’ll be cold.”

“But I’m not cold” Rin said slowly and stupidly, realising he might be missing a few steps.

“But you might get cold and do you think that would make me happy?”

“Ok...so how about you wear the jacket now and if I get cold I’ll take it back?” Rin blinked feeling utterly lost.

“You wouldn’t tell me” Haru muttered under his breath.

“What?”

“It’s not about being cold Rin.”

“Oh good because I was starting to think this was the stupidest conversation ever - wait - oh is it this about before?”

Haru clenched his hands and spoke through gritted teeth. “It’s all of it Rin. You keep acting like...like I’m made out of glass... I hate it. You used to ...”

Admire me. Push me. Challenge me. _Want me_ . Haru thought but couldn’t quite get the words out

“We used to be equals.” He finished instead.

“Equals?” Rin blinked not understanding, then he frowned “I mean if that’s the case how is it ok for you to cook me a 14 course meal and I’m not allowed to wash a few dishes or offer you my coat?”

“Don’t be an ass it was one course, seven dishes, Rin.” Haru snapped even as inside he was screaming at himself to stop. That he was lashing out again. “And it’s not the same. Ever since you found out you’ve been acting like you think I’m something broken and that it’s your responsibility to fix. Like I need all this help all of a sudden. I never asked for it to be your problem Rin. And I can’t bare it if you’re here because you pity me. If you think less of me now you know about my parents... ”

Rin was dumbstruck and spluttering. “Less of you??!! Haru that’s...it’s not... Christ how could...it’s the opposite ... I can’t…” He crumpled over, head in hands and tugging frantically on his bangs. “Shit I knew we needed to talk about this. I knew it yet I’ve been putting it off like an idiot and now you think … fuck.”

“Fuck.” Haru echoed, then took a deep steadying breath. “How long until we dock again?”

Rin flashed a glance at his watch. “A while. The dancing and the band. It’s a whole thing.”

Haru reached over and took his hand, lacing their fingers together. “It’s a lovely gift Rin. Thank you.”

Rin squeezed his hand back, and when he spoke again his voice was small and afraid. “So I er… I guess we should do this now then. I-I don’t know how to start.” He admitted.

Haru looked down at their joint hands. “Maybe... maybe we could just ask each other questions. But the answers have to be honest. Does that sound ok?”

Rin nodded.

“And keep hold of my hand.”

Rin nodded again.

“Can you go first?” Haru asked a little timidly. He wanted to get the first, the hardest question out the way as soon as possible.

But he was surprised when instead of what he expected, what Rin asked was. “Ok… Are you really going to be alright for money? Without your parents.” 

“Yes.” Haru nodded, voice firm and eyes determined. “It was...intimidating at first but ... yes. I can do this. Between work and my new scholarship and now some sponsorship... I’m… kind of doing ok now. I can manage.”  
  
Rin looked away biting his lip. “And Fumiko? Is she going to be ok?”  
  
Haru almost smiled at that. As strange as it was to hear her name from Rin’s mouth it was also so very Rin to think to ask. To care, even about her.  
  
“Yes. She’s.... Resilient.”

“Ok. Um. Thank you - your turn I guess.”

Haru barely had to think.

“Those two days you disappeared. I thought... Rin I thought something had happened to you and I’ve never been so afraid. Where were you?

Rin bit his cheek. He knew telling the truth was going to hurt, would hurt Haru, but the truth was their only path forward. He focused on the feel of Haru’s fingers laced against his own and forced himself to speak.

“That night - the night of the dinner - I was.... at a hospital. I had a panic attack and someone found me in the street. I tried to explain but I couldn’t speak so they called an ambulance. I don’t think I was making much sense and they kept me in overnight just to be safe and then ... I just walked around all day. By the time it got dark my phone was dead and I didn’t even really know where I was… it didn’t feel real. None of it felt real. I just knew I wasn’t ready to go back so I got a motel room and just... hid away for a bit.”  
  
He related it all as flatly, as calmly as he could. Trying to prove it was over, he was ok, but the price of honestly was watching in full colour detail the pain that flooded Haru’s eyes.

“The hospital?”

Rin nodded. Haru closed his eyes then, face schooled carefully blank though Rin could see the effort he was putting in to stifling the reaction - the knuckles of the hand not currently held by Rin white against the railing.  
  
“Haru you know it’s not your fault ... they just happen.”

“Have there been more?”  
  
“Haru..”

“Rin tell me. We said the truth.”

Rin sighed. “In the gym. When the… when I saw the paper. But Haru...”

“I put you in hospital.” Haru ground out.

“No. Haru don’t do that. You can’t. You know it’s not your fault. Really it isn’t. They just… happen. Plenty of people go through stuff and don’t... it’s just something I need to learn to manage. I just...I let myself get overwhelmed, OK? But I’m fine and well, I’ve been seeing someone. About that and um... other stuff. We talk about my dad sometimes...”  
  
Haru turned then, eyes wide. “Rin that’s... I’m proud of you. And … it helps?”

A small selfish part of Haru couldn’t help but wonder if they talked about him, but felt it probably wasn’t the right thing to ask.

Rin nodded. “It... yeah. I mean I think it does. I didn’t realise how scared I still was. I don’t want to be scared anymore.”

“I… I’m so proud of you Rin.” Haru repeated softly.

He squeezed Rin’s hand and for a few beats they just held each other's gaze.  Rin finally blinked and looked away.

“Rin it’s your turn” Haru reminded him.

“Why did you wait so long to tell me?” Haru felt his heart constrict. And then Rin clarified. “I mean you said you spoke to your parents just after the announcement went out and yet it was weeks and weeks. Two months at least until I found out. I mean all that time I still thought….” He trailed off and Haru exhaled roughly and tried to find the words. It had seemed so clear at the time and yet…

“You… you left so fast. And at first things were … messy. I wanted things to be better before you came back. And I didn’t want to wreck your chances at camp. Or in the competition. I knew it would be a distraction. So I thought it was better to wait.”

“I would have rather known. You know I would have come back.” Rin protested.

Haru gave a small sad smile. “I know that Rin. It’s what Makoto said too. But it wouldn’t have been the right thing for you. It wouldn’t have been fair.”

Rin sighed. “You know I resorted to learning french to try and stop myself from thinking about you? French is hard. I would have rather come back.”

Haru gave a soft laugh. “The language of love? Of course you did Rin. Bet you finished all this year’s set reading too.”

Rin frowned. “The language of the Olympics! And there’s nothing wrong with being prepared...”

Haru looked at him eyes glittering. The fondness there so plain it made Rin’s heart swell. He would have happily lost himself in that look for hours...

… but he squeezed Haru’s hand signalling it was time to continue.

“About Flagstaff.” Haru started, picturing blonde curls and a laughing smile. But he looked at Rin, at the guilt and grief already starting to cross his face and couldn't ask it. Wasn’t ready to know.  

“Did you ever think about staying? About leaving here - leaving me - for good?”

Rin wasn’t sure what was worse, the question itself or the way Haru delivered it. Direct but not accusatory. If anything he sounded vulnerable, afraid of the answer.

“I- … No Haru. I wouldn’t have stayed. I meant it when I said I wanted you in my life no matter what. I just ...I wasn’t coping very well being here. Seeing you every day and thinking that - ” Rin mumbled looking at his shoes. “I was angry you know? At you. At me. At everyone… but I hated the way I treated you. I just felt like I was slipping away. Losing myself. Becoming someone I never wanted to be again. I just needed to find a way to get my head together before I did something stupid.”  
  
He glanced up and felt sick with the shattered look on Haru’s face.

“Not stupid like that Haru! I just… it was too hard seeing you ok? I mean I thought I finally knew you... After all this time. And then... there was this huge part of your life I just had no idea about. But I’m sorry I left you that way - I never should have done that and I regret it.”

“I came to the airport.” Haru said it so quietly Rin had to lean in to make sure he caught it.  
  
“...you what?”  
  
“When I found out. I tried to stop you but it was too late. They called the gate but you had gone. And I hated myself. I hate myself for making you feel like you had to leave.”  
  
Rin bent his head into his chest taking shuddering breaths. “Haru I didn’t… I don’t… fuck this is really hard. What if it’s too much? What if we can’t...”

Haru squeezed his hand. Rin gripped it back like a lifeline.

“It’s OK Rin. We’re doing ok. Your turn. Ask me.”

“How long had you known?” Rin rushed out. Eyes closed and hand still gripping. “I mean… when did your parents decide? Did they ever even ask you what you wanted?”

Haru looked out at the water. “No Rin they didn’t ask. And I don’t know exactly. I was young. Too young to understand. By the time I was old enough to realise what was happening - what it meant I didn’t really care. I mean…” he turned and fixed Rin with a steady gaze. As if sensing Rin opened his eyes and stared right back, pinned. “You have to know after you left Rin, after I stopped swimming, for the longest time I didn’t really care about anything much. You’re the reason… you made me care again.  About more than just swimming. You made me care about my future. My life.”

Rin’s eyes flickered and Haru thought he might be about to cry, but then something seemed to occur to him and instead he frowned. “Wait... Are you … what if I hadn’t come back? I mean what if I’d stayed in Australia when we were kids… do you mean you would have married her?” Rin didn’t realise how desperately he wanted to know the answer until the question was out.

Haru’s eyes had blown wide, darting over Rin’s face as if trying to read what he wanted the answer to be. “I....Rin I don’t …. I don’t know how to answer that. M-Maybe. I don’t know.”  
  
“Maybe?”  
  
“I didn’t ever think about it. About what it meant. I didn’t have any control over it so it didn’t matter what I wanted. Not really. Not until you. I didn’t ... care. What they wanted. So if you’d never come back - I don’t know. I don’t ever want to think like that...it’s too...”

Haru trailed off and Rin nodded, shivering at the thought.

“What if... What if I had told you back then, when we were kids. Before we had… if you had known all those years would you still have kissed me that day in my room?” Haru countered.    
  
“I....” Rin tipped his head back to the sky and really thought about it. Haru waited.

“Honestly? I don’t know either. Maybe not, I mean back then I was ... well an even bigger mess than I am now. It might have stopped me....But, then part of me thinks I still would have ended up trying. Or I guess more that I still wouldn’t have been able to ...not. I mean...” Rin smiled softly. “If you had any idea how much I wanted to kiss you back then. How many times I had to stop myself...”  
  
Haru placed his free hand lightly on their entwined fingers with a small smile. “I think I have some idea what that feels like Rin. And you’re not a mess. You never were. Not to me.”  
  
“I think I would have kissed you anyway.” Rin replied, far more decisively.

They allowed themselves a small moment of respite. A tiny shared smile as they remembered that first kiss, flustered and fumbling on the floor of Haru’s room.

Then Haru moved his free hand back to the railing and forced himself to ask. “What else Rin?”

“How much did you lose.”  
  
“What?” Haru couldn’t hide his confusion by the sudden jump in topic. _Why hadn’t Rin asked him yet?_  
  
“How much money.”  
  
“Rin I don’t know that. Why does it even matter? I told you I’ll be ok.”  
  
“I just... I want to try to understand. Just guess... I don’t know what it like... a hundred million yen.” Rin picked a number he thought sounded ridiculous.  
  
Haru just stared hard at their joined hands. “My father’s company is worth about fifteen billion yen. I wouldn’t ever have inherited all of that though. It gets split among the board and shareholders. With the connections from Fumiko’s family my father says he would have won a lot of new deals. 750 million. That… that that’s what I cost them.”  
  
For a moment Rin felt himself get lost in the hugeness of the numbers, but then he turned to Haru and was jerked right out of it.  
  
There he was, flesh and blood, skin pale and eyes wide and dark and looking so so vulnerable having just told Rin his father had reduced him to a set of zeros. Rin realised with a sinking horror that by asking him to quantify it he was in essence doing just the same thing. He felt it as a punch in the gut and fumbling pulled Haru’s hand close against him.  
  
“I’m sorry.” he blurted. “That was a bad question. It doesn’t matter. No amount of money matters because it just doesn’t compare. Not to you. I’m sorry your father ever tried to tell you what you are worth. He’s wrong. You’re worth everything. There isn’t a number that could ever come close.”  
  
“Do you really mean that Rin?”  
  
“Of course I do. Haru... you’re...”

But Haru interrupted.  
  
“Then can you at least try to believe that that’s how I feel about you? That nothing - no money, no job, not even my parents could have been enough to equal you. To make me give you up. That you’re worth more than it all.”

Rin swallowed hard, a lump rapidly forming in his throat. He could feel Haru’s nails were digging into his palm. “I will. I’m trying. I really am.”  
  
“What’s stopping you? You can tell me?”  
  
“It’s just... god sometimes I feel like everyone in my life has already had to give up so much. My dad gave up his dream, my mom had to give up the things she wanted to raise us alone, Gou couldn’t go to a nice school because all the money went on me for swimming and Samezuka. Now you ... I just ... there’s always a price. For anyone I love. And I don’t... I don’t know if I can ever pay it back.”

Haru felt his heart crack afresh. “Rin... Rin it’s not like that. Truly. We all love you. You... just being you is enough.” He tried to gather himself and attempted a weak smile. “And for the record Iwatobi high was a perfectly good school.”

But his smile faltered when he took in Rin’s expression and he knew the moment was coming. He briefly considered the possibility of just jumping overboard and swimming away. If that would hurt less.

“But if that’s true then why wasn’t it enough for you? to tell me? To trust me?”

Haru exhaled shakily and looked out at the blinking lights of Tokyo bay passing them by. He’d expected this question. Had been waiting for it. Of course he had. Had asked it himself enough times over the last weeks and months that he should have felt better prepared. But immediately all his arguments and rationalisations and reasons seemed to fly out of his head and all he was left with was fear and guilt so large he felt like they might swallow him whole.

Without conscious thought he pulled Rin’s hand close to his chest. Rin could feel the race of his heart.

“I tried Rin. Really I did. So many times before. But I just…. I couldn’t do it.” He trailed off lamely.  

“Haru I… I’m sorry but I think i’m going to need a better explanation than that. 8 years we’ve known each other. 8 years is a lot of time to try.” Rin said softly but terribly hollowly.

Haru stared harder at the lights, eyes watering. Then he started to speak.

“I knew it would hurt you. And back then… back when we first… you’d already been hurting so much. And so when you first started to smile again... Really smile at me and really let me in I couldn’t risk it. And after Sydney. After that trip I spoke to my father and I thought I had time… I thought he’d agreed I had time. I thought I could fix it and that you’d never even have to know. So why hurt you if I didn’t have to?”

Haru realised he was starting to rush, voice coming tight and high, but it was like a damn had been breached and he couldn’t stop.

“And then you came back and we were together and you loved me and I was happy. Really happy Rin. With you. And I couldn’t risk that either. And they hadn’t mentioned it again. So I had time… I thought I still had time and then it was too late and you knew and I realised I messed up. I messed up so badly and I don’t have a good enough reason or an excuse. I just, I didn’t want to do that to you. Not ever.”

Haru kept his eyes fixed on the blinking lights, too scared to stop speaking, too scared to turn and face the consequences of what he had to say next.

“I know I should have told you and I’m sorry but you wouldn’t even let me try to explain it. Afterwards... all I wanted was to speak to you and you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t let me try. You wouldn’t listen. And...and I’ve thought about it a lot. A lot Rin. And I think I know why. It’s because you really thought I would, didn’t you? After all this time you really believed I might not pick you and that …”

“You’re wrong.” Rin interrupted, but so quietly Haru missed it a first and barreled on.

“...you loved me more than I love you. I know I’m not good at this Rin. I’m not as good as you at showing how I feel but I don’t know how I’m supposed to convince you… to show you after all this time that I…”

“That’s not it.” Rin snapped, louder and resisted the urge to pull his hand away.

“I wasn’t scared you wouldn’t pick me, ok? I was scared that you would and that you’d regret it for the rest of your life.”

Haru fell silent. They stood frozen and let the music, the sounds of laughter and dancing fill the space between them, Rin’s hand still curled against Haru’s chest.

“I don’t understand.” Haru said finally, tiredly, hunching slightly over the barriers. “Rin I just don’t understand how you can ever have thought I’d regret you. I mean... parents that can’t accept me. A loveless marriage - how could that ever have been better for me than you? How could you think I could want that? Be happy like that?”

“I was just trying to do the right thing!” Rin protested voice cracking. “I knew everything you’d lose and I… I didn’t want to wreck your life.”

Haru sighed and looked up, fixing him with a penetrating, thoughtful gaze. “You know I’m not sure I’ll ever understand how you can be so damn arrogant and yet so completely underestimate how important you are all at the same time.” He spoke quietly, eyes slipping away to fix on the dark of the water. He felt his hand go limp against Rin’s, but Rin held on, pressing just tight enough to give him the confidence to keep speaking.

“The problem is Rin, your idea of doing the right thing was to take my choice away. Just like they did. Because it isn’t up to them and it isn't up to you. And you couldn’t wreck my life. Not by staying with me. Never that.”

“But you _did choose_ Haru.” Rin spoke brokenly. “You chose not to tell me. For years and years. When you knew everything about me - about all the times I’ve failed and messed up and been a loser... and then you just sat there and watched while she introduced herself as the person you were going to marry. What was I supposed to think?”

“You were supposed to give me a chance Rin! I know I fucked up ok. I fucked up first and worst and ... and I wish I could take it all back but I didn’t tell you because I thought you would leave me and you did. You proved me exactly right and you ran away.”

Rin’s mouth dropped open. “Haru that’s not fair. You didn’t give _me_ a chance - if you’d have told me yourself maybe I could have … maybe I would have proven you wrong.... but you just... sat there. Let your father treat me like something he stepped in. And then I have to find out about the announcement from Kenta. At training. In front of _everyone.”_  

“Rin I was scared! Ok?” Haru shot back, realising he was almost shouting, was risking drawing attention to them but unable to stop himself.

“I was scared. And I won’t ever forgive myself for that night. Not ever. But you have to believe me that I didn’t know she would be there and I didn’t know about the announcement. You have to. I never would have done that to you. Ever. But the longer I didn’t tell you the harder it was. Because I liked our life. You aren’t the only one that gets to panic and get freaked out. I do too. And I’m to blame. I know that. But the truth is I’m mad at you too. I’m so mad at you and I _hate it_ Rin. Because you were so quick to decide what was best for me was not having you. And ... it’s not true. It’s not true Rin.”

Haru’s grip had turned crushing, his knuckles bone white and he had started to shake. He looked up at Rin and felt his insides go cold. Rin’s face was slack with shock at Haru’s outburst, his skin bleached of all colour and eyes wide and dark with pain.

 _Oh no. This is it. This is how you lose him._ Haru thought bracing himself for the inevitable pain of Rin turning away from him ...

Rin reached forward pulled him close. Wrapping Haru into a strange half hug against the barriers, their joined hands pressed between them. Haru couldn’t help the small breath of surprise that came out as he was enveloped by Rin’s warmth.

“Hey. Hey, hey, hey. It’s ok. I believe you.” Rin spoke softly into Haru’s hair, voice thin and a little shaken, but resolute. “I believe you Haru. I do… and you’re right that wasn’t a decision I should have tried to make for you. I should have trusted you to decide I know that now. I... god this is all so fucked up.”

Haru laughed hollowly into Rin’s shoulder, although Rin thought it sounded like it also could have been sob.

They stood in silence for a long time listening to the waves, letting their words wash over them. Haru letting himself be held.

Rin felt it as Haru start to come back to himself. To stop shaking and for his grip on Rin to become less crushing **.**

And he realised that he’d hardly ever seen Haru so worked up. Or, more accurately, had maybe seen it only once before - when they’d been in his apartment and Rin had told him that there was nothing left for them.

And in that realisation he knew was love. That despite everything, Rin was still the person who could reach his weakest, most vulnerable spaces. The one who Haru trusted to show them to.

He squeezed Haru’s hand, held in his own so long now it was starting to feel like a part of him.

“And Haru… hey Haru? thank you.”

Haru pulled away and looked at him a little dazed and blinking, clearly pulled from his own thoughts.

“For what?”

“For saying all that. For trusting me enough to tell me how you feel. Even if how you feel is mad at me because… well I think I needed to hear it. And I’m not trying to fix you Haru. I swear. But I do want to be there for you because I know you’re hurting. I know you are because I am too. Because it all hurts. It all hurts so fucking much and I think you must be hurting the most but you wouldn’t let me see it. You’re mad at me for trying to protect you but aren't you doing the same thing? Wasn’t that what you were always doing?”

Haru exhaled hard.

“Yes it hurts, ok? Of course it does. I didn’t want to have to choose. I never wanted to. But I did. And I choose you Rin. But you have to let me. And you have to choose me back."

“I know. I know that. And I want to Haru. I just… why? Why are you forgiving me. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself...”  
  
“But... you forgave me Rin? When you came back you said you did...” Haru cut across, tone slightly panicked.  
  
“I did. I mean I do. Of course I do.”

“So why can’t I? And why can’t you do the same for yourself?”

“Because it's like you said - I just left. I left you alone and I wasn’t there. And out of everyone I am supposed to be there.” Rin’s voice wavered and cracked, and for the first time all evening he allowed a single tear to slip from his eyes.

Haru shifted to catch it with his free hand. Curled it into his palm as if it were precious.

“But… But you also came back.” He whispered. “You came back to me. You told me you still wanted to be there. Even when you still thought I ... Rin nobody has ever loved me that much. Loved me like that. I didn’t think they could.”

Rin sniffed, squeezing his eyes closed against further tears and resting his forehead lightly against Haru’s. “I just don’t know where we are supposed to go from here. I mean.... I know we’ve had our moments but I never thought we’d fuck this up this badly.”  
  
“But we’re still here. That has to count.”  
  
“Mmmm...”  
  
Haru sighed against Rin, then came to a decision.

“Rin.”

Rin’s eyes fluttered, then opened. “Yeah Haru?”  
  
“Dance with me?” Haru stepped away and tugged gently on Rin’s arm looking hopeful.  
  
“What?”  
  
“I watched you looking. Before. You want to right?”

“Haru ... people might stare... don’t you mind?” Rin asked cautiously.  
  
Haru tried not to think of his father's voice but it invaded his head anyway  
  
_“Don’t you know what you are choosing? A life where people will stare at you wherever you go. Will know what you are and be disgusted by it. You will bring disgrace to my name, to our family name. Is that what you want?”_  
  
Haru held his free hand out with far more confidence than he was feeling. “No. Not if you don’t. I want to dance with you. Let them look.”  
  
The relief when Rin took it, pulling Haru in toward him and then wrapping him tight in his arms, almost sent Haru to his knees.

“I don’t. I don’t care what they think either. I care about you. I want to dance with you too.”

Haru relaxed into his touch and incongruently Rin felt a wave of rage well up, of injustice and despair that Haru’s father, that people like him, would dare try and make him, make them, feel like they were wrong when having Haru back in his arms felt like the most natural and the most magical thing in the world all at once. He pulled Haru closer and let himself be soothed by his warmth.

He led them, slow and swaying to the dance floor. Not in the middle, not yet, but close enough that they were soon mixed in with the other couples.  
  
“You know” Rin finally added wryly, voice low against Haru’s ear. “They’re probably only staring because they’re jealous that the best looking person here wants to dance with me.”

Haru laughed a little and rested his cheek against Rin’s. After a while he seemed to sag against his body and they stopped swaying and Rin just held him closer, taking his weight and pressing him as tight into his body as he dared. He closed his eyes and wished someone had warned him, just once, how much being in love could physically hurt.  
  
They stayed like that for a long time, Rin measuring out each of Haru’s breaths against his skin. When he opened his eyes, they were blurred and he watched the lights of the harbour slowly approach through tears that wouldn’t quite fall.  
  
Eventually, reluctantly he pulled away ever so slightly. “Hey, don’t fall asleep stood up. We’re docking soon.”  
  
“I’m not asleep.” Haru murmured, the thickness in his voice betraying that he was in fact if not sleeping, very close.  
  
Haru shivered slightly as they separated, and once again Rin marked with guilt just how very tired he looked most days. He pulled his jacket off and wrapped it round Haru’s shoulders.  
  
“Rin” Haru muttered in warning. “You’ll get cold.”  
  
“Haru enough. I get to look after you and you get to look after me ok? That’s just the way it goes I’m afraid. Besides if I do I can just hold on to you. Deal?”  
  
Haru stopped wriggling and accepted the jacket with a slow, sleepy smile “So stubborn Rin. Fine. You win.”

They moved back to the barriers to watch as the boat docked, hands still linked between them. They stayed in comfortable silence as the flow of couples slowly trickled off the boat and into the night, leaving it until the last possible moment to head down the jetty and back onto solid land themselves.

Once back on the pier, Haru looked back at the boat and then at Rin before dropping his gaze. “Rin you did all this and I… I didn’t mean for us to fight.” He trailed off and Rin gave a short laugh and squeezed his fingers.  
  
“Hey don’t. I mean I’ll admit that’s not quite how I pictured things going but it was...it’s good. I think. I mean I’m really glad we talked. It’s not easy but... I think we have to.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“And we’ll keep talking?”  
  
“Yeah. I ...Rin I wish I knew how to fix this.” Haru mumbled chewing his bottom lip. Rin found himself entranced and had to forcibly pull his gaze back to Haru’s eyes.

“Maybe it’s not something we can. Maybe we just have to find a way through it?”

“And you want to? together?”

“Haru…. Haru of course I do. I…. you mean everything to me. And I know I haven’t said it… but I’m so proud of you. Everything you’ve coped with… everything you’ve done. You’re incredible you know that?”

Haru threw himself against Rin, relieved to find his arms once again ready to hold him up. “You mean everything to me too Rin.”

Rin buried his face into Haru’s hair and felt Haru sigh against him once more. He allowed himself the pleasure of it just a few moments before he gently pulled away.

“Come on. You’re exhausted. Let me take you home.”

Haru was reluctant, but any protest he was about to make was swiftly cut off by a rather large yawn. He nodded sheepishly and Rin took them to flag a taxi while Haru tried not to think too hard about how much all this was costing Rin. About how much he had taken previous conveniences for granted.

They sat close in the back, fingers still laced and pressed between them. Haru almost immediately began to doze, all the exhaustion and emotion of the day overcoming him, head sagging against Rin’s shoulder. Rin held himself as still as possible so as not to disturb him and watched the world passing them by.

He would have happily stayed there all night long, driving around their shared city with Haru pressed close at his side, but all too soon they were pulling up outside Haru’s halls.

“Rin?” Haru sat up with a start, blinking blearily.

“We’re here sleepyhead.”

“Oh.” Haru was too tired to mask the disappointment in his tone.

“Should I come up?” Rin asked, clearly trying to sound casual but looking more than a little unsure.

Haru wavered for a moment. His gaze flicked to Rin’s mouth before meeting his eyes again. He warred with himself silently. Allowed himself a moment to fantasise about a night spent in Rin’s arms. At waking up to Rin in his bed.

Then he shook his head.

_They’d come so far in one night already. Best not to push it._

“No its ok. It’s usually pretty crowded about now. But I’ll see you in the morning?”

Something flicked over Rin’s face. Haru couldn’t tell if it was relief or disappointment.

“Mmh. Get some rest?”

“I will Rin.”

Haru reached and opened the door, their hands still clasped. Rin seemed unwilling to let go. Sneaking a glance at the taxi driver (who seemed to be busy fiddling with the radio) Haru turned back toward him and slowly pulled Rin’s hand up to his mouth, giving him plenty of time to object before he pressed a soft, warm kiss to Rin’s palm.

“Thank you, Rin. For tonight.”

 _“Haru…”_ his name was a sigh. Rin’s eyes were heavy lidded and Haru felt Rin’s fingers begin to curl a little against his cheek. Felt as much as saw Rin begin to move in to him, his heart starting to race…

The taxi driver coughed and Rin stopped. Pulled back. He looked down at their joined hands, and gave Haru’s fingers a final squeeze before reluctantly unlacing them.

“Goodnight Haru.”

Haru stepped out of the cab, turned and gave him one last long look. Then was gone.

“What next?” The taxi driver asked.

“I wish I knew.” Rin answered absently.

“I mean where am I taking you?”

“Oh!”

Rin delivered Watanabe’s address sheepishly and the taxi pulled away into the Tokyo night.

He watched the city lights flash by and thought about all that had happened, all they had spoken about. Nothing was resolved, not exactly, not fully. And yet Rin felt the first real wave of hope. As much as it hurt, perhaps by opening up the hidden wounded places between them to the light they would finally have a real shot at healing.

He pressed his own palm, the palm that Haru had kissed, to his mouth and closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo this chapter has been a little biatch to finish and I am still super nervous about it. I struggle with dialogue and this is basically just that so ... yeah. (Plus it feels super odd giving Haru so much to say, but then I also felt like there were a lot of things he had the right to say and would need to get off his chest? dilemma!). 
> 
> Unofficially brought to you by ‘Cross my mind’ by Arizona and ‘Look after you’ by the Fray (for some reason I had it in my head as the song Haru and Rin might dance to). 
> 
> Anyway I hope it isn’t too too grossly OOC and (one final big work trip aside) I am excited to get on to the long overdue SOFT bits (and the main reason for the M rating is coming - either next chapter or the one after depending on how I end up splitting things) 
> 
> *Side note: totally aware my Tokyo knowledge will most likely be highly inaccurate. For example I imagine if the dinner boats are anything like the ones you get near me they would not be half as classy and lovely as the one I like to think Rin would arrange for Haru but…..forgive me? I so hope to make it there one day! 
> 
> **Final note: Thank you so so much for any and all comments and kudos and subscriptions etc. to date. Really so very grateful and pleasantly surprised anyone is sticking with this with me!
> 
>  **Next chapter**  
>  Rin and Haru are growing back together, but there are certain boundaries they have yet to recross and navigating the way proves a challenge.


	19. NINETEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:**  
>  Some mild discussions of NSFW topics / implied NSFW activity.

_Haru pulls Rin down against him, the weight of him pressing Haru back into his mattress. Rin’s body is warm. So warm, and so familiar. And as the warm seeps into Haru’s skin he feels himself calm, the anxiety, the dread of seeing his parents suddenly insubstantial as wisps on the wind when matched against the solid presence of Rin’s love._  
  
_They kiss and the warmth flickers into a different kind of heat. Haru slides his hand beneath Rin’s jacket and runs his fingers against Rin’s chest and stomach. The hard muscle under his shirt shifts and ripples with Haru’s touch, and Haru presses deeper into the kiss._

_“Haru….”_

_Rin’s breath is hot on his skin. His tone warning, but unconvincingly so._  
  
_“Let’s not go. I’ll cancel and we can stay here and not eat dinner.” Haru whispers._

 _He half means it too. Perhaps more than half. The pull of Rin’s body is rapidly overwhelming him and a night spent lost in the feel of Rin’s skin against his own is far preferable to what they face._  
  
_He knows nothing good can come of this dinner. If he’s lucky it will just be long stretches of awkward silence broken only by thinly veiled barbs about swimming and his disappointing lack of understanding of the current Japanese economic situation. If he’s not... Haru dismisses the thought. They wouldn’t. Not in company anyway. It wouldn’t be polite. Would be ‘unseemly’. And if they’ve attempted to teach him anything it’s that perception matters. (Not that the lesson ever took…). It’s just one night. A couple of hours at most. He can get through it. They can get through it._

_He only hopes Rin won’t be too disappointed. He’s done his best to warn him - the little he has been willing to share about his family unflinching in its portrayal - but he doesn’t think Rin is able to really understand._

_Rin believes in family. Wants family. Ever since he lost a part of his own he has longed for it - be it in the form of friends, teams or mentors - unlike anyone else Haru has known. He is fiercely protective of Miyako and Gou, taking on his role of ‘man of the house’ with characteristic full-tilt dedication. Rin gives himself completely to the larger ‘unofficial’ family he has attracted around himself too, and they to him - Haru only had to meet them once to understand the breadth and depth of love Rin’s Australian homestay parents held for him. To this day they treat Rin as their son - no qualifications or moderations needed to the sentiment. Sousuke’s family too act as if Rin is a Yamazaki by blood. Sousuke’s older brother giving Rin just as much shit as he gives Sousuke, and Sousuke always ready to jump into the fray for Rin at a moments notice. Rin’s Samezuka team are the same - ride or die for him, no questions, even years after graduation. Haru see’s it even with their university team and coaches sometimes. The way people respond to the spark in Rin. Want to nurture it. Protect it. Keep it close. Haru only wishes Rin himself saw it more clearly. Could give himself just a little credit for the love and loyalty he inspires._

_And despite all he knows of his parents, despite all his best efforts, Haru feels it. The foolish little hope he has been trying to strap down fluttering under his ribs. That maybe…  just maybe they will see it too._

_The fact is, Rin has been wanting to meet Haru’s parents for a long time. Too long. He won’t say it but Haru knows it’s been quietly hurting him that he has yet to introduce Rin to them, even if Rin has long accepted that Haru won’t be honest about what they are to each other. (He wishes Rin knew why though. That it’s not shame... never shame for what he feels for him. Only the almost primal need to shield Rin from his father’s bile.)_  
  
_And Rin is nothing but persistent. Sometimes to a fault. (“They’re your family Haru. I just want to meet them. Makoto has - they liked him right? They’ll like me. I’ll make them like me. It’s just dinner. What could go so wrong?”)_  
  
_So despite his better judgement and all the rational arguments against it Haru finds he actually wants to give Rin this. Wants Rin in his life. His whole life. So even if he can’t offer the warm embrace and acceptance that the Matsuoka household has extended to him he can at the very least acquiesce to an awkward dinner-_  
  
_Rin huffs against his neck pulling him back to the present with a sharp poke to the ribs. Haru lets Rin pull away and takes in his attempt at looking outraged. His arched eyebrow and slightly downturned mouth is rather undermined by the blown pupils and happy flush he is sporting. Haru feels the familiar heady rush of pleasure that’s it for him. Because of him. That he can so easily undo Rin this way._

_“Haruka Nanase! Are you trying to seduce me to avoid seeing your parents?”_

_Haru snorts, and takes advantage of Rin’s surprise to roll them over so he’s the one now pressing Rin into the bed, Rin’s carefully styled hair becoming ruffled and spilling into a ruby halo against the sheets. Haru leans in close and gives a sly grin._

_“Since when do I have to try, Rin?”_

* * *

Haru pulled back the covers with a wince. He’d dreamed about Rin again and woken up uncomfortably aroused.

 _Well I’m trying now._ He thought grimly as he slunk away to the showers to sort himself out before his roommate could wake and tease him.

It had been happening more regularly now that the initial heartbreak and the nightmares that had brought had started to pass, and Haru was beginning to feel like the horny teenager he had never really been.

He loved all of Rin of course, not just the sex part, and having Rin back in his life - even if it was happening by degrees - was still more than he had hoped for at one point but ... god how he missed Rin’s body. Missed their bodies together. It’s was like being in a shower that didn’t run right, heat flashing through him at inconvenient times of the day when he thought of Rin, when memories of Rin popped into his head. He was sure he should be far too old by now to blame it on fluctuating hormones, but the urges felt the same.

There was a lot Haru felt he had to regret as of late, and his foolish tease was really the least of it, but as the weeks had passed since his first reconciliation with Rin, Haru had found his own words coming back to taunt him. He regretted them, not so much the words themselves which he knew were just a silly flirt, more the idea behind them that there was ever a part of him that had taken for granted just how incredible it was that Matsuoka Rin wanted to touch him.

Even way back - before he had dared to hope that there was anything behind the flirty touches and teases, back before he was old enough or brave enough to understand and acknowledge that he WANTED there to be more to it - Rin wanting to touch him had just seemed to be inherently wrapped up in who Rin was.

He was tactile in his affection even as a child - stolen kisses on the cheek to make Haru blush, infuriated. An arm hooking his shoulder. Pulling Haru into hugs insistently and repeatedly until Haru finally started to hug him back.

And then later. In the ‘After’ of their first kiss there was the way Rin’s thumbs would slip under Haru’s shirt when they hugged, just needing that hint of skin on skin. The way he had a tendency to stand just that bit too close so that their body heat mingled. The way after a long day of training Haru would barely make it through the door before Rin was on him, kissing him boneless.

He missed Rin. He wanted Rin. Not just back in his life but back in his bed. And the waiting was starting to feel painful.

Which wasn’t to say that they hadn’t been making progress. Although it still felt fragile at times - the wounded places between them newly knit and still healing - in the several weeks that had passed since Rin had taken him on the dinner cruise there was undeniably a new sense of trust and closeness between them. They were growing back together. The time they spent with each other had - for the most part - lost the tension and formality that had characterised their early dates as they eased back into the familiarity of spending time together. They spoke more freely, laughed and teased more, and the stakes of each meeting, each moment, no longer felt so high. They knew they were in it together and with that, while certainly not perfection and not yet the physical intimacy Haru so missed, brought real progress.

They had settled into a new routine of sorts. They still saw each other each day - sometimes twice - for training, and had fallen into taking turns to walk the other to classes afterwards. They made the most of the fleeting snatches of time available to them, and in between the demands of training and school and Haru’s work they were practically inseparable. They walked in the parks and watched as the leaves turned from red to gold before falling to the ground. They went for jogs along the sumida river. And as the weather turned they hid together from the rain in cafes and shared hot tea and warm bowls of ramen, studying side by side in companionable quiet.

Rin seemed visibly happier again too, his shoulders no longer bowed against some unseen weight and his eyes less drawn and haunted. He had taken to his captaincy like the natural he was and even though Haru knew he was finding the new terms study schedule challenging, he seemed to be thriving on that challenge. 

Haru too felt himself becoming more solid, calmer and more focused. He cut back his shifts a little with Nakata’s agreement to allow himself more time to complete his recovery and school work (and, though he didn't say, to see more of Rin), and as the days passed it was finally starting to sink in that he hadn’t actually lost Rin - that Rin was still there at his side. He had a second chance.

And he really was trying now. Haru was honest enough to admit he’d never been the best at dating. At classic gestures of romance. He’d always been happy to let Rin take the lead in that. And trying to court someone he already knew he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with presented its own unique set of challenges. But he was trying all the same.

And Rin was trying too. Haru could see it. Feel it. In the little gestures and the big. From taking Haru to restaurants that ‘miraculously’ were budget friendly _and_ served an extensive mackerel menu, to determinedly finding all the best free things to do and see in Tokyo, Haru could see that Rin was in his own hopelessly romantic way trying to woo him back too. He’d even got used to leaving class several times a week only to find Rin stood outside his lecture hall, grinning with hot drinks in hand ready to walk Haru to work.

And Haru enjoyed watching his friends from the restaurant get to know Rin. To cease threatening him with violence were he to hurt Haru, and instead to subtly begin to accept him as an extended member of their thrown together family. Nakata in particular seemed to enjoy trapping Rin in conversation, and Yumi in taking overt pleasure from seeing how hard she could make either Rin or Haru or both blush.

Saturdays remained ‘date night’, and between movies and walks and dinners they still occasionally traded questions and answers. The unspoken things between them dwindling until there were really only three remaining: Rin’s planning of a proposal, Haru’s lost home and the blonde haired boy from Flagstaff.

Each in their own way still felt too large and unwieldy to Haru just yet. The first two he knew would hurt Rin, and while he’d accepted it would have to happen at some stage he wasn’t willing to risk setting back the growth between them, Rin’s fledgeling happiness. The third… Haru knew it had the potential to hurt _him_ and he was still debating if he even wanted to know. If he needed to. If it mattered.

And so Haru told himself they’d get there. In time. And that he was prepared to wait. Told himself what they had now - all he had gained back so far - was enough. That he would wait as long as Rin needed and if it meant a few more cold showers than usual in the meantime then so be it.

* * *

Rin for his part felt a little like he was climbing the walls. The sheer giddy relief of having Haru back in his life was marred only by the embarrassment and annoyance he felt at himself. Each time his dates with Haru rolled around again he promised himself that this time he’d kiss him, or at the very least allow himself to be kissed. But when it came down to it without fail every time he chickened out, ducking his head away and hastily beating a retreat, some small stone of fear and guilt still sitting in his stomach and weighing him down every time he tried to move forward.

Since that first time, he hadn’t stayed over at Haru’s new accomodation again, and Haru didn’t push to be invited to stay with Rin at Watanabe’s. If anything, after the aborted almost-kiss in the taxi Haru seemed to have retreated back to the occasional brush of a hand or to quietly holding Rin when the time came to say goodnight. It was if he had accepted that this was all Rin was willing to allow him, the maximum contact he had earned, and was patiently waiting for Rin to decide if he wanted more.

And the worst of it was, Rin wanted more. Of course he did. God how he wanted to kiss Haru, to hold him again, to touch every part of him. He’d dream about it, taunting vivid images of Haru pressing down against him or under him, of Haru’s small soft mouth opening warm and willing against his own. He’d wake sweating, frustrated and lonely, longing desperately for the familiar heat of Haru at his side.  

But there was something stopping him. Some strange nameless fear that kept him at arm's length even as every other part of his life became once more fully entwined with Haru’s.

His planned proposal he knew was part of it. A crack to his chest that hadn’t fully healed no matter how wholeheartedly he had forgiven Haru. He didn’t think Haru had any idea of what his hopes for the future had been beyond his tearful ramblings that awful night, and he couldn’t fathom how to approach the topic without risking destroying them both all over again.

He tortured himself too with if he should tell Haru or not about his date, his disastrous attempt at kissing with Eli. On the one hand, it felt important to be honest - after all they were slowly working their way through everything else and each time they talked he slowly felt lighter, closer. But equally, he wasn’t sure if it were a crueler thing to tell Haru just to ease his own conscience, because surely it just would hurt him to know that while he’d been here in Tokyo changing his whole life to try and make it up to Rin, Rin had been attempting to move on with someone else.

He’d kept in touch with Eli ever since his return, keeping him posted on his training and the competition. It had therefore seemed natural to a point to then also to let Eli know that Haru had broken the engagement.

He had been pleased when his new friend has been nothing but supportive.

_-[Rin that’s good right? I’m pleased for you! Are you back together?]_

_[We’re going on dates. I keep messing them up]_

_-[You’re a great date Rin. Just be confident!]_

_[But… do I tell him about our date?]_

_-[Tell him he’s got competition stateside]_

_-[(...I’m kidding!)]_

_-[Is it bothering you he doesn’t know?]_

_[It feels dishonest.]_

_-[Then just tell him the truth. Rin it’s not a big deal, really. We kissed once and you cried in my mouth because you were so in love with him.]_

_-[It’s romantic really!”]_

Rin had felt himself blush violently at that.

 _[Eli!! I was not that bad!]_  
_[Anyway I’m not sure how romantic he is going to find me kissing someone is…]_ **  
** **_[_ ** He lost everything by choosing to be with me.]

 **_-[_ ** _So you know he thinks you’re worth it, right? Just tell him, ok?]_

Rin tested the words in his mouth. _Haru I kissed someone. Haru I kissed someone else._ He flopped back against the floor and groaned.

* * *

It had been raining in Tokyo for three days straight and all the high rises were half swallowed by a thick layer of cloud and fog. Rin tried not to slip on the station floor as he dodged umbrellas on his way to pick Haru up from his restaurant shift.

He was trying not to be too disappointed that that week they wouldn't have chance for a proper date. After all it was for an important cause - their usual Saturday evening together was to be spent first playing lazer tag with Sousuke and Makoto, and then out at one of the student bars meeting with a larger group from Makoto and Sousuke’s classes. It had originally been intended as a birthday celebration for Sousuke, but had been so much delayed by the four of their mixed up schedules that it was now a strange cross between a joint birthday for Makoto and Sousuke and a double date.

Haru wasn’t actually expecting Rin - they’d agreed to meet at the lazer tag place in Shinjuku - but restless and keen to steal any time with him he could Rin had decided on surprising him.

He made his way to the Mermaid’s Tale, a now familiar route, and felt the thrum of anticipation at seeing Haru. Maybe tonight would be the night. Maybe things would go well and he could finally put his fear behind him….And in any case, despite his regret at losing time alone with Haru it was nice - so very nice and so very normal - to be heading out to hang out as a foursome.

They were moving past it. They were ok. They were going to be ok.

He repeated this mantra to himself as he entered into the bustling restaurant, the door chime signalling his arrival.

Haru’s boss, Mr. Nakata cheerful as always, waved him on to the back to the small staff only area/stockroom. Rin could just make out muffled words coming from behind the door.

“Stop fiddling! I just had it perfect!”

Then a familiar flat voice.

“I look ridiculous.”

“You look hot! He’ll love it.”

A lengthy pause. Then quieter. “Do you think so?”

Rin pushed through the door.

“Haru! I came…” _to pick you up._ The rest of the sentence died on Rin’s lips.

Haru was stood in the small staff room wearing quite possibly the tightest pair of dark grey skinny jeans Rin had seen in his life. Something far more suited to his own wardrobe than Haru’s. A leather belt was doing the (frankly unnecessary) job of keeping them in place, and on top Haru had on a black t-shirt with a deep slashed V which was also so tight Rin could pretty much make out each ripple of Haru’s abs through the fabric. Over that he had on a black leather jacket that looked to be perhaps a size or two too big, with the cuffs rolled slightly away from his wrists. His hair had been carefully gelled into an artful ruffles around his face and he had on a single thin silver chain round his neck.

It couldn’t have been more different from Haru’s usual low fuss and primarily-functional attire. Rin found him attractive no matter what, but the Haru in front of him now looked like he’d just stepped off the cover of Rolling Stone…

Rin stayed frozen in the doorway, mouth dry, and Yumi who had been stood across from Haru adjusting his jacket sleeves cackled joyfully.

“See I told you so! Hear that, he came!”

Haru ignored her.

“Rin? What are you doing here? I thought we were meeting there?”

“I-I …” Rin helpfully forgot what indeed was he doing there. Yumi laughed harder and slapped Haru round the shoulders.

“Guess that’s my cue to leave you boys to it. Try not to to do too much damage to the stock.”

Yumi sidled out, leaning over to Rin to whisper “Good luck, lover boy.” before closing the door behind her.

Haru shifted uncomfortably.

“Sorry about her. She was helping me get ready.”

Rin scanned him up and down again, eyes still wide. When he finally grasped language again, the wrong words came out.

“W-what are you wearing?”

Haru flushed and looked away, face shuttering. “You hate it.”

The low heat across Rin’s stomach begged to differ. He splayed his hands and waved them a little wildly.

“No! No, no, no. That’s not ...I just, I’ve never seen you like this.”

“I was trying something new. I can change.”

“No! Haru you look… I mean, wow. You just… it took me by surprise is all. Warn a guy first!” Rin huffed an awkward laugh.

Haru flicked his gaze back to Rin seemingly trying to decide if he was genuine. What he saw must have been enough to convince him as his skin flushed a little, pleased, and he picked up his bag and moved to press a kiss to Rin’s cheek.

“And here you thought you were surprising me. Shall we?”

* * *

Rin spent most, if not all, of the metro journey doing his level best not to gawk at Haru. The carriage was already uncomfortably hot with the mass of steaming bodies and being stood so close to Haru when he could see every shift and flex of his pecs as he braced himself against the movement of the carriage Rin was sure would only lead to public embarrassment. Or indecency.

Haru seemed to notice his struggle and took less than no pity on him. He shifted to stand extra close, looping his hand through the same hanging strap Rin was using to steady himself.

“Haru!” Rin protested, flushing even hotter.

Haru’s eyes glittered. “What? It’s getting busy?”

By the time they arrived at Shinjuku Rin was just about ready for a cold shower. They made there way along the bustling neon lit streets to find the building that held the lazer tag arena. Sousuke and Makoto were already stood together in the lobby. When they turned and spotted Haru and Rin, Sousuke gave a low whistle.

“Subtle outfit Nanase. Does Rin get his lap-dance before or after the cake?” Makoto choked a little and Haru and Rin both glared at Sousuke in unison, though Rin’s was tinged with more of a blush.

“Hi to you too you big jerk.” Rin growled. Sousuke only laughed, appearing in very good spirits. He hooked an arm around Makoto’s elbow.

“What? I thought this was our birthday celebration not yours? Come on! Let’s play.”

They took a short elevator ride to the 4th floor and were met with more flashing neon lights and a high beat techno soundtrack. They paid and were waved over to get kitted out with faux armour and big plastic flashing guns. Haru eyed his wearily looking rather unenthusiastic.

“Why did you book this again?” He grumbled in a low voice to Rin.

Rin shrugged apologetically. “Sousuke’s birthday. His choice.”

“It’s Makoto’s too. He would have picked something better.”

“Makoto doesn’t seem to mind one bit.” Rin retorted gesturing over to where Makoto was helping tighten the straps over Sousuke’s broad shoulders while Sousuke ran a hand lazily through Makoto’s hair. The closeness and rapidly growing affection was plain.

Then Rin frowned as he noted how he and Haru were almost an arms length apart. That didn’t seem right. He stepped to close the gap. A little too far.

“Oof. Rin, what was that for that for?”

Haru hopped away slightly, pulling his foot from under Rin’s shoe. Rin wanted to sink into the floor.

“Shit, sorry Haru I….”

He caught sight of Sousuke rolling his eyes at him and clammed up.

“Ready gang?”

The first couple of games Rin and Sousuke (team Samezuka-chan) were matched against Haru and Makoto (Team Iwatobi-chan) and beat them summarily. Mostly because Makoto seemed uncomfortable holding a gun and Haru seemed to have found the one game he couldn’t be bothered to get competitive over since the guns shot only lights, not water.

More than once Rin and Sousuke had found them both just stood discussing mildly which direction to go until Sousuke declared enough was enough.

“This is too easy. Team swap! Tachibana you’re with me and I’ll show you how this game is supposed to be played.” He entered their new team name as ‘Team awesome’ with a grin before turning to Haru and Rin. “And you two, try to avoid too much friendly fire.” He entered their team name as “Team star-crossed” with a wink that infuriated Rin.

“Crush them?” He muttered to Haru.

“Crush him.” Haru agreed.

They bumped fists and as the game reset they disappeared into the maze through a separate door than Makoto and Sousuke. The music was so loud they had to lean close to speak, Haru’s hair tickling Rin’s cheek and Haru getting a deep breath of Rin’s scent - a mix of clean skin, chlorine and light spiced cologne.

He tried to fix his mind back on the game, the stupid plastic gun suddenly slipping a little as he felt the heat travel from the tips of his toes to the tips of his fingers.

Makoto and Sousuke proved elusive though, and they soon gave up hunching against the walls and up against the big breeze blocks that acted as ‘cover’ in favor of actual searching.

Rin raised a questioning eyebrow at Haru. Haru shrugged. He didn't get the appeal of the game and was rapidly losing his motivation to care no matter how much Sousuke deserved a good thrashing.

Finally Rin found them.

He turned a corner to be greeted by the sight of his best friend pressed against the wall, his hands buried in Makoto’s hair as the pair tangled together, kissing furiously.

He blushed, stunned, and pulled back around the corner quickly, causing Haru to bump into his back.

“What?”

“I...found them.”

Haru nudged past him to look around the corner, freezing much like Rin had when he spotted the pair.

“Oh.” he said faintly turning back to Rin. His expression flickered with something that almost could have been longing.

They gazed at each other, the music and lights pulsing around them.

Rin cleared his throat

“Well, it’s an interesting strategy. I guess we win.”

“Or... we could leave them.” Haru had to lean in to make the words heard, his voice with the very slightest lilt of hope to it.

Rin blinked back at him. Haru could feel the heat radiating off his skin. He leaned in almost imperceptibly.

Rin’s brows knit and something uncomfortable passed over his face. “Haru I…” Rin started.

Haru found he had to turn away. Didn’t want Rin to see the hurt in his expression.

He moved back around the corner and unceremoniously shot both Sousuke and Makoto in the back.  
  
“We win.” He announced flatly, and as the lights came up signalling the end to the round he walked away to find the exit without looking back at Rin.  

* * *

The bar was crowded and noisy and while Sousuke was having a great time getting drunk with his coursemates, Rin watched with some distress as Haru looked more and more miserable by the minute. He stood against the wall, fidgeting with his jacket sleeves and the hem of his shirt, his hair starting to look less ‘artful’ and more ‘distressed’ as he kept reaching to shift it from his eyes.

They hadn’t spoken much at all since the game, instead focusing the conversation around Makoto and Sousuke. Rin had slipped easily into the silly banter and teasing, pleased at least to see that the pair were enjoying their evening, but he couldn’t help but notice Haru barely spoke, and when he did it was never directed at himself.

He ran back over the final moments in the game and tried to imagine how else it could have played out. He should have kissed him. Rin knew he should have kissed him. That it was what Haru was hoping he would do. But the desire, although there, had been drowned out by the more urgent impulse to confess about Eli.

Rin sighed. As much as he hated that he had disappointed Haru yet again, he couldn’t help but think perhaps it was actually a good thing that Haru hadn’t given him chance to blurt out about his kiss. Tonight wasn’t the time or place. But he did want to tell him. Needed to before anything else happened. He’d decided that much.

“I’m going to get the birthday boys another drink? Can I get you anything?” Rin approached Haru through the crowd

“Water. Thanks.” Haru replied absently, gaze fixed on the goings on ahead of him.

Rin paused. “I’ll come right back, Ok? Then maybe we can dance or something?”

Haru nodded but didn’t watch him go, still seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

It took Rin longer than expected to complete his task. The bar was filled to bursting with students drinking and dancing away their Saturday evening, and even once he had finally been served he’d been so preoccupied worrying about getting ID’d for the beers he bought Makoto and Sousuke that he completely forgot to pick up the waters for himself and Haru.

By the time he had delivered the drinks (after letting Sousuke slur in his ear a little about how he was THE BEST) and had completed the whole process a second time, water in hand he headed back to find Haru gone from his spot on the wall.

Rin frowned and looked around, unable to spot him anywhere. Sighing he pushed his way back through the crowd to the one other obvious place Haru could be.

He finally found Makoto, flushed and giddy - the beer Rin had bought him already almost empty - and looking up at Sousuke warbling out karaoke with unshuttered drunken adoration.

“Yo Makoto. Have you seen Haru? I’ve lost him.”

Makoto’s reactions were slowed. He turned, blinked a few times then frowned slightly.

“Haru went home. Didn’t he tell you he was leaving? I thought you knew.

Rin felt his stomach drop. “Oh. No. I didn’t know.”

“Did something happen?” Makoto asked, having to half shout over the din.

Rin shook his head, not sure how he could explain even if it wasn’t too loud.

 _More like something that didn’t happen._ He thought bitterly.

* * *

The day after Makoto and Sousuke’s party Haru left training swiftly, ignoring Rin’s calls to him, and headed straight to Makoto’s, determined. He approached the apartment not long after 11am and let himself in with the key Makoto had given him, confident that, even taking into account the beers, his friend would be awake and about by then.

Haru stroad into the lounge, blithely ignored the scrambling tangle of limbs on the sofa, and proceed to strip down to his jammers, tracksuit and jacket falling in a heap of the ground. He planted his feet and stood straight hands on hips.

“Do I look different?” he asked by way of announcing his presence.

“W-what?” Makoto stuttered, still fumbling to close his shirt. Sousuke was pinching the bridge of his nose looking like he wanted to disappear.

“Don’t mind us, really Haru come on in.”

“Have I changed?” Haru repeated stubbornly.

Makoto tilted his head, automatically slipping into best friend mode to seriously consider the matter. “Different how?”

Haru looked away sullenly. “Not... attractive.”

Sousuke stood up sharply. “Oh god is that what last night's get up was about?... Nope. Not doing this. If this has anything - anything at all - to do with you trying to get into my best friends pants then I am out. I am so out.”

Haru blinked. “Isn’t that a bit hypocritical after what I just saw?”

“Then knock Nanase goddammit! I’m going.” Sousuke ducked and caught Makoto’s cheek with a brushing kiss. “Good luck with whatever the hell this is. I’ll call you later.”

“Haru. What is this about?” Makoto asked calmly once Sousuke was safely on the other side of the door.

“Rin won’t touch me.” Haru mumbled.

Makoto’s brows knit. “What do you mean? He touches you all the time I mean only yesterday…” his eyes blew wide and he flushed. “OH. oh oh…”

Haru flopped down on the sofa next to him, carefully avoiding the spot where Sousuke had been.

“I thought things were better.” Makoto prompted gently once he had recovered from his own fluster.

“They are.” Haru nodded. “But there’s still... _something_. He doesn’t… what if he can’t feel that way about me anymore? You said he wanted to marry me. I need to know how I made him want that so I can do it again.”

“Haru.” Makoto started gently. “It’s not been that long since all this happened. You know Rin. He just… sometimes he needs a bit of time to work through things. But I don’t think that means his feelings are any less strong.”

“I miss him. Still.” Haru admitted, the words spoken plain but shuddering through him with the truth of how bruising the longing was. “I know he’s right there and I know I should be happy he’s willing to try but it’s… what if we can’t get back? To how it was.”

Makoto paused thoughtfully. “I don’t think what you want is to go back Haru. I know this has all been awful. For you both… but don’t you think now you have a chance for something better?”

Haru sighed and looked at the ceiling. “I finished paying for the rings yesterday.”

Makoto paused, then clicked his tongue in understanding.

“Ah. And when things still didn’t… happen at the party it made you question it?”

“Not me. I want to. I just… what if he doesn’t anymore? Can’t.”

Makoto leaned over and ruffled Haru’s hair.

“He does. You’ll get there. Knowing the two of you it might take another 8 years or so. But I swear Haru. Things are going to come good.”

Haru exhaled roughly. “Can I…”

Makoto smiled. “Yes you can borrow the bath again.”

* * *

Sousuke didn’t go home. Halfway down the stairs from Makoto’s he got a text from Rin asking him to meet at an address Sousuke didn’t recognise. He glanced back up the stairs at where he imagined a rather awkward conversation was taking place and sighed. _The shit we do for you idiots._

Arriving at the address, he buzzed to find Rin stood in the doorway of an empty apartment.

“Hey.” He greeted Sousuke, shifting a little on the balls of his feet and looking mildly uncomfortable.

“Hey. Whats up?”

Rin stepped back to let him in and Sousuke found himself in a compact studio apartment. Despite the slightly worn appearance of the outer building the room looked clean and bright and new, although small, with a sleeping platform raised in one corner and a single unit cooking station in the other. The floor was tatami matting other than the small entryway, and aside from a small low table with a couple of cushions next to it it was completely unfurnished.

“Sooo…” Rin was still jittering a little “What do you think?”

“This yours?”

Rin gave a short nod. “It’s time. I can’t keep living with Watanabe. And I’m staying until after the games at least so…. What do you think?”

“It’s…. Cosy. Locations good. What’s the rental like?”

“That’s why I called you. I was hoping you’d look at the contract for me.”

Sousuke flashed a grin. “Lawyer to Olympians. I can see the business card now.”

Rin rolled his eyes. “Please? I need to confirm first thing tomorrow or I lose it.”

Rin handed over a small stack of papers and Sousuke sat at the low table to look over the contract, making a few notes in the margins on items Rin might want to clarify. When he was done he leaned back on his elbows and regarded his friend.

“Rin it looks fine. It’s all pretty standard. There’s just one thing you might want to be aware of here. It’s a 12 month contract right?”

Rin nodded.

Sousuke’s gaze turned pointed. “It says here specifically that the property if for a single tenant. You’ll need to apply to the landlord if you ever want someone else to move in. You might want to have that updated now, before you sign, you know if you were thinking about…”

Sousuke trailed off, Rin’s furious blush telling him he was right on the money.

“I’ll send you an email with the language you want added.” Sousuke added gently.

Rin nodded again looking at his hands. “Thanks.”

“So… now thats done wanna grab lunch or something?”

Rin looked up.

“Wait. um. There was something else I wanted your opinion on.”

He motioned for Sousuke to open a door just off to the left, which he did to be met with a surprisingly generous sized bathroom for such a compact apartment.

Rin hovered over his shoulder.

“So what do you think? It’s not quite a big as the last one, but the fittings are all new and I looked up the design and it comes really well reviewed.”

Sousuke looked back at Rin, expression deadpan. “Rin why are you showing me your new bath? The contract I get, but since when have I ever expressed any interest in or specific knowledge of baths. Isn’t there perhaps someone else you might have asked to do this bit?”

Rin averted his gaze. “Do you think he’ll like it?”

“Maybe if you filled it with mackerel and jumped in naked?… how am I supposed to know Rin?”

“I just… I mean i’m not even sure he’d want… if I ask but…”

Sousuke groaned. “Man you two suck at this. You know before I used to wonder what took you so long to realise he liked you back, but now I just wonder how you two ever kissed at all.”

“Hey! It’s complicated Sou. Things are… they’re getting there.” Rin said, a little defensively.

Sousuke turned to flop back down by the low table. “Look I’ll admit I wasn’t always Haru’s biggest champion, but I’m not sure he’s ever been as complicated as you seem to think Rin. If he wants to swim he says he wants to swim. If he says he wants to be with you ... it really just means he wants to be with you. And if things are going so well then why is your boyfriend bursting in on mine asking for sex tips?”

“I don’t — Wait, Haru did WHAT!?” Rin was open mouthed.

“Well he suddenly seems very concerned about looking attractive, and between that and him turning up to my birthday dressed like a stripper I can only assume it has something to do with you.”

“He said that?”

“He’s with Makoto now comparing abs or… lord knows what. Just...tell me what gives?”

“We er… well since we... we haven’t really … yet...” Rin was crimson.

Sousuke’s face furrowed in confusion. Then the penny dropped and his eyes widened.

“What…oh jeez you mean you haven’t... done it?” Sousuke asked looking like he wanted to disappear.

“Not that… I mean we haven’t... but it’s not just that. We haven’t um… we actually haven’t kissed since … well since that time in the locker room when I thought he was still engaged.”

Sousuke’s mouth dropped fully open. “What? Let me get this straight. For weeks now you guys have been spending all your spare time going on dates and you haven’t kissed him?”

Rin mumbled and shook his head.

“Rin… why?”

“I-I don’t know I just… I can’t seem to… every time I want to... I mean maybe we can’t. Anymore. Maybe we… broke that bit.” The words came out in a jumbled mix, it being Rin’s turn to look like he wanted to disappear.

Sousuke swiped his hand over his face covering his eyes. “Rin, to my great regret I’ve walked in on you and him too many times to believe that could ever be a problem.  Even now you can’t keep from giving each other gross bedroom eyes anytime you don't think the other one is looking.”

“It wasn’t that many times...” Rin mumbled staring hard at the floor. .  

“Any times is too many Rin. So come on, what’s the real reason? 13 year old you would kick your ass if he knew you had Nanase Haruka on a plate and was doing anything BUT kissing him...”

Rin frowned. “I just. What if we shouldn’t you know? I mean last time…. I thought it was forever and I was wrong. What if.” Rin’s voice became a little thick and unsteady. “What If I’m wrong again. I don’t know if I can…. I mean I _can’t_ do it again Sou. I can’t lose him.”

Sousuke’s expression softened. “Rin I hear you. I do. And I know what it meant to you to buy those rings. To want to ask him that. But what other choice do you have but to try again?”

“We could…. Stay as we are.” Rin’s words came out quiet. Tentative and unconvinced. “I mean when we’re together it… it's good. Maybe it could be enough.”

“You think you can be friends. With Haru.” Sousuke asked looked incredulous.

Rin shrugged awkwardly.

Sousuke leaned over and at first Rin thought he was about to be pulled into a hug. He was wrong.

“Get-Your-Head-Out-Of-Your-Ass.” Sousuke punctuated each word with a surprising violent wack with one of the cushions.

“Hey! hey! what the hell!” Rin protested grabbing another and trying to bat Sousuke off.

“You listen to me ok. You and Nanase Haruka are not just friends. You have never been just friends. You wrote a goddamn romantic declaration and handed it in to your teacher in ELEMENTARY school - yeah don't think Gou didn’t show me that. You don’t just plan lavish proposals to your PALS. You have precisely zero chance of ever being just friends. That ship sailed a long time ago. That ship never existed actually. So hurry up and do whatever you need to do to untangle whatever mess in your head is getting in your way, and don't you dare make me have to discuss your sex life with Nanase again, ok?”  

Rin blinked.

“OK” he answered meekly.

Then shook himself a little. “I mean you’re right. I know you are. I just… I think I needed to hear someone else say it. That I’m not crazy to still want…  that. For us. Someday.”

“Good. Shining my ass.” Sousuke muttered. “I need a beer.”

Something suddenly occurred to Rin.

“Wait. You said boyfriend.”

“What?”

“You called Makoto your boyfriend just now. I know I’ve teased but you’ve never actually said that before.”

It was Sousuke’s turn to colour a little. “Oh. I guess not.”

Rin smiled broadly. “Hey man that’s great. I’m so pleased for you. For you both.” Then his forehead creased a little.

“What? Say it?” Sousuke prodded him.

“Only… well since I’ve known you I always thought… well I thought you liked girls. You could have told me you know.”

“I do like girls.” Sousuke replied mildly.

“Oh.” Rin tried not to look too surprised. Sousuke grinned at him.

“I just like Makoto too. More.”

“Oh.” Rin smiled. “He really likes you too you know. I can tell.”

Sousuke chucked. “Well that’s good to hear. Now maybe sort things out with your own boyfriend so me and mine can have some peace. Deal?”

Rin set his lips in a firm line. “Deal.”

* * *

That night the rain turned to a storm. Haru woke with a start, and he shivered under the covers for a few moments before he realised why he felt so unsettled.

_Rin._

He looked at the clock - a little after 2am - and over at where Tengo was still sleeping soundly. Then he watched and listened to a few cycles of the thunder and lighting, chewing his lip and battling with himself.

He knew Rin was usually fine nowadays. That being away from the coast where the wreck had happened helped. That he was speaking to someone about all this… and yet…

He grabbed his phone and slipped quietly from the room, crouching in the corridor.

He pulled up his text history with Rin, noting with a pang of guilt the several he had left unanswered since Makoto and Sousuke’s birthday celebration.

He took a deep breath and pressed the call button. Rin picked up on the second ring.

“Haru? Whats up. Are you ok?”  

He sounded calm, but also like he’d already been awake some time.

“There’s a storm.” Haru said. Then, “I just… I was thinking about you.”

Rin gave a soft laugh. “Ah. yeah. I’m… I’m ok. It woke me up is all. Are you ok? It’s late.”

“Yeah Rin. I’m fine. I just… I wanted to hear your voice.”

Rin sucked in a breath and it took him a good few moments to respond.  

“I’m really glad you called Haru. I wanted to hear your voice too. And I wanted to talk to you. About… about what happened in the game. I know I upset you. I’m sorry I’’m...”  
  
“Rin it’s...”  
  
“I saw it.”  
  
Haru sighed. “Ok. A little. I just... I miss how things were.”  
  
“I... me too.”

Silence between them.

“Hey Haru.” Rin’s voice was suddenly bright, determined. “When the rain stops can I take you somewhere?”

“Anywhere Rin.”

* * *

Haru watched as Rin considered the ground critically, seemingly determined to find the least damp stretch in the whole of Ueno Park.

“Here!” He declared seemingly satisfied and placing down his plastic mat, and a large checked blanked on top of that.  
  
It wasn’t the exact same patch Haru had reserved for the cherry blossom season all that time ago, but it wasn’t too far off. He couldn’t help but wonder if Rin had brought them here because he was about to ask to be his boyfriend again. The thought brought with it a clash of emotions - hope that this was all leading somewhere good, yet despair also that they had found themselves back in a place where that might even be a question. Haru looked around to try and spot ‘their’ tree, but the park looked so very different in the late autumn that it was hard to be sure.  

Rin was busying himself spreading out a picnic and Haru gave up searching and knelt to help. Rin teasing him gently when all the mackerel dishes somehow ended up on Haru’s side of the blanket.  
  
They ate for a time in companionable silence, occasionally trading morsels they knew the other would prefer.  
  
Then, “I have some news.” Rin declared suddenly.

Haru paused his chewing. Rin was watching him carefully.  

“I found a new apartment. Watanabe has been great and all but he’s starting work soon and  it’s time I got my own place. I’m moving in a couple of weeks and I was wondering if you’d come see it. I want you to be the first.” Rin frowned lightly. “Well I mean technically Sousuke was the first, he helped me get the contract right but I want you to be first when I actually move in. Because well…. If you liked it I was wondering if you might…”  
  
But Haru had stopped listening after “moving in’ and promptly dropped his onigiri. He interrupted urgently. “Which ward?”  
  
Rin seemed confused by the question. “Huh?”  
  
“I mean that’s great, where is it?” Haru corrected trying to control the thumping of his heart.

Back before the summer, when they’d been looking for a place to move in together, Rin had been pretty set on finding somewhere in Shibuya or Setagaya. Haru hadn’t paid much attention at the time - not realising the significance, not knowing what Rin had planned - he’d been more concerned with proximity to a pool. But ever since Makoto had told him about Rin’s plan for them he couldn’t help but remember Rin’s words that night - _“There are ways. Places we can. I looked it up_ _” -_ And so Haru had looked it up too. Ever since he’d started saving for a set of rings Haru had started to look into the details that Rin had clearly already known.

So he was paying attention now, and Rin’s answer felt suddenly extremely significant as an indicator to how he saw their future.  
  
Rin’s forehead creased a little. “Oh, um it’s not far from the old Olympic park. You know… inspiration… But did you hear what I said Haru?”  
  
Haru was too busy mentally trying to work out the ward boundaries. He thought it could mean Setagaya... But maybe not depending on where Rin’s flat was in relation to the park.  
  
“Yeah you're moving.” he replied absently.  
  
Rin blinked. “Um. Yeah. But the other bit. Will you come over? Come and see it? Think about...”  
  
“Of course.” Haru replied. Rin was still looking at him a little strangely but seemed to shake it off.  
  
“O-ok... Great! I’ll be in as soon as winter break is done. Which reminds me we should book travel home. I was hoping maybe we could head together? Or have you already sorted it with Makoto?”

His voice had turned hopeful. Haru’s brows knitted. “Home? Iwatobi... I-I... Makoto’s going next Friday. I’m not sure I am. Going.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I have work. And...” _and the house isn’t mine anymore._ Haru couldn’t say it yet. A blow he wasn’t ready for Rin to bare. “And I thought I might stay here for Christmas.”  
  
“Haru you... you can’t stay here alone. Please.” Rin sounded a little panicked. Eyes wide and searching. Then, “Wait, is it because you think your parents might go back?”

Haru snorted and shook his head. “No. They barely visited before. I’m fairly certain I’m off the christmas card list now.”

He tried to keep his tone light but Rin’s brows knitted in upset anyway. Haru conceded and squeezed his hand. “I’ll look into it.”

Rin nodded still looking a little perturbed. To try and disperse of the awkwardness Haru started to clean the picnic and Rin soon joined him, the plates and food quickly replaced by books and study materials as they prepared to settle in for a couple of hours of coursework. It was just bright enough and warm enough to sit out without getting cold, but they huddled close anyway, Rin reading a thick book in English and Haru studying for his art history module. They both had exams coming up, and between training and their other commitments more and more often their time together had to include some form of study.

Today Haru was pleased for it though. He liked having Rin working quietly beside him, and with Rin absorbed in his book he was free to let his mind wander a little. To think about his options for going back to Iwatobi. He knew he could stay with Makoto - Makoto had already offered multiple times. Or even with Nagisa or Rei. But he wondered also if he asked if he could stay with Rin… but that would mean explaining about the house...

He sighed frustrated and stood up to stretch, jostling Rin only slightly as he did. He cast his eyes around the park, so different to when he and Rin were last there together. The soft pinks and whites of the blossoms had been replaced by reds and golds and browns and instead of sweet florals he could smell only damp earth and dying leaves.

Tokyo didn’t do Autumn the way he wanted it to, the weather lurching from steamy to torrential rain. He missed the cold clear brightness of Iwatobi. But he had to admit that after the storm it was a beautiful day and aside from the faint buzz of the traffic it was almost possible to pretend they weren’t in the city at all. He glanced down to find Rin’s attention no longer on his book. He was watching him. His hair was shining in the soft light and his cheeks had pinked a little in the fresh air. Haru couldn’t help a soft smile. For all he loved spring, Rin really did suit the autumn colours best.

“What?” Rin asked, smiling back on reflex.  
  
“You look good Rin... Happy.”  
  
Rin seemed to think about this for a while. “I... I am Haru. Being here with you makes me happy. I know the last months have been ... you know. And I know things are still ... difficult sometimes. But I missed you a lot when we weren’t speaking. And so spending time with you... It makes me happy.”  
  
Haru took in the earnest expression and fought the urge to ask _‘Does it really Rin?’_. Instead he flopped back down on the blanket. He had used to find Rin so easy to read, his emotions worn on his sleeve, but lately Haru found he was second guessing himself a lot more.

“Rin, I have a question.”  
  
The effect was instant, Rin shut his book and sat up bolt upright, ready.  
  
“Ok.”

 _Why haven’t you kissed me yet._ Haru couldn’t bring himself to say it. Nor the infinitely more embarrassing,  _Do you still fancy me._  
  
Instead he tried: “What was it that made you like me first. All that time ago.”  
  
Rin hid his face “Haru! That’s so embarrassing.”  
  
Haru frowned “Liking me is embarrassing?”

“No I mean…” Rin sighed and pushed his hair from his eyes. He took a deep breath. “I just mean I can’t explain it right. Because it wasn’t a thing… it was everything OK?. I mean sure - your swimming got my attention first but it was … you. I’d never met anyone like you. I wanted to know every little thing about you. And I know we were young and I was just a bratty kid but… well the more I got to know you it just, grew from there… you’re kind. And you’re funny, even when you don’t mean to be sometimes. And strong. And loyal. And talented and …” Haru was staring wide eyed. Rin clammed up blushing.

“I told you it was embarrassing. It was just you Haru. All of you.”

Haru turned away suddenly pensive. As nice as it was to hear, ‘just be you’ was not exactly the insight he was hoping to gain on how to tempt Rin back into his arms. 

“What about me?” Rin grinned a little “What finally won you over to me. I know you thought I was a pest at first.”

Haru frowned thinking. It was true at first he’d found Rin... _inconvenient_. But it wasn’t exactly due to lack of affection. More that Rin had always been able to make him feel things. Made him react in ways he couldn’t always understand and at the time being faced with his own loss of control had been a jarring challenge to his commitment to always be free. To live on his own terms.

“You wouldn’t leave me alone.” He said finally, slowly.

Rin’s face crumpled a little. “Hey! That’s not a good thing.”

“No I mean… I thought I liked being alone. Other than Makoto. Liked the quiet. It was easy. And then you were there and so…”

“Loud? Obnoxious?” Rin supplied only half joking.

“Bright.” Haru concluded. “Challenging. It was like all the colours just changed and it was …. _unsettling_. And then when you left I realised how much I hadn’t wanted you to go. How I’d got used to the idea you wouldn’t leave me. Liked it. Because when you did everything felt… less.”

Rin breathed out. “I’m sorry I left.”

“We were kids Rin. And you had to.”

“Not just that time.”

“Oh... I-I know you are Rin. You don’t have to tell me anymore.” Haru said quietly. He lifted a hand to brush lightly through Rin’s hair. Rin leaned into the touch just a little before they broke apart and looked out at the park.

A breeze kicked up, sending leaves into the air and Haru moved in closer to Rin, Rin’s arm winding around him. Haru slumped against him slightly, his head resting on Rin’s shoulder, Rin reaching up to stroke his hair absently. Haru sighed contentedly at the contact, the feel of Rin’s fingers against his scalp and soon Rin felt Haru start to go lax against him.

“Always so tired Haru.” Rin murmured softly, more to himself than anything. “Please come home with me so I can take care of you.”

Haru shifted slightly and yawned seeming to try and rouse himself.

“Its ok Haru. You can sleep a while. I’ll be here.” Rin whispered pulling him in closer.

“Yeah. Stay.” Haru mumbled a little incoherently. “Stay here Rin.”

Rin turned and pressed a kiss against Haru’s temple, surprised almost by how natural and easy it felt to have Haru’s skin against his lips.

 _Always._ He thought. _I’m not leaving you again. And I’m going to make this right between us._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *As far as my understanding is, while Japan is yet to formally legalise same sex marriage things are (thankfully, but also far too slowly) getting better and couples can 1) get married abroad in countries where same sex marriage is legal 2) Apply for partnership certificates which confer (admittedly limited) legal rights to same sex couples. Not many cities or wards have approved partnership certificates yet (although I _believe _its increasingly being proposed) and at the time Rin would have been planning his proposal in Tokyo only Setagaya and Shinjuku wards did. Since then (around the time Rin would have been in Flagstaff in this fic) as I understand it a third Tokyo ward has brought in the rule. I may be a bit out of date on all this so apologies in advance if that is the case. Very much makes me realise the extent to which I take it for granted I live in a country where same sex marriage is ~relatively~ well established.__
> 
> __\--x--_ _
> 
> __Resurfaces from work hell and barely remembers what this fic is about anymore … oops._ _
> 
> __This chapter was supposed to be a relatively short bridge between the last one and the next (which by the way I am so keen to get to that I’m hoping to post in the next couple of days) BUT as ever I was struggling with it and it got a bit away from me and I just kept adding bits (including a little bit of SouMako indulgence. I’ve never really been that into any free ship other than RH but have to say I’ve found it kind of fun to include here!). I realise it’s a little fillery but I do hope it doesn’t feel like too little progress or like they’ve gone backwards. And I really hope the next chapter will make the waiting/working through everything worth it! :)_ _
> 
> __Side note: when my limited writing time should be spent on this I have gotten myself all kinds of distracted by new fic ideas (There are at least 5 I am hoping to turn into actual THINGS so looks like the RH obsession won’t be leaving me anytime soon..!) I’m still going to prioritise getting this finished first but lol at my brain for finding inspiration at the least helpful time._ _
> 
> __Finally, i'm so sorry I was so horribly late replying to the kind comments left on the last chapter. The last two weeks has been a bit gross but I promise they were so appreciated and really made me smile during a slightly shitty time :)_ _
> 
> __**Next chapter**  
>  The gang reunite in Iwatobi for winter break. Nagisa + mistletoe spells trouble..._ _


	20. TWENTY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:**  
>  Roughly half of this chapter (just under) I *think* falls unders ‘M’/NSFW content. Nothing too too explicit because frankly I struggle at writing ‘sexy times’, BUT if for any reason you would prefer to skip it you can stop reading pretty much as soon as the clothes start coming off and pick up at the next chapter without missing all that much plot-wise :)

Rin stood outside Makoto’s house hopping from one foot to the other, less due to the cold - though it was true that Iwatobi was far far colder than Tokyo - but more down to sheer impatience. He could hear movement and laughter from inside and knew he was just mere seconds from being reunited with Haru, but those seconds weren’t passing quite quickly enough...

* * *

The final two weeks of term had been a blur of intense training, exams and captaincy duties and moving preparations (for Rin) and a very busy period at work (for Haru).

Outside of the team commitments the little time they had been able to spend together had been hard won, and so Haru and Rin had treated each other extra gently. They’d both been physically exhausted from the end to a punishing training cycle (Coaches Mikitani and Yamamoto determined to make the most of the final sessions before losing their team to winter break despite the fact all athletes would be given strict programmes to follow until term resumed) and they both knew all too well how tiredness could seep into irritability and irritability into words spoken in haste that were regretted with more haste. So they had worked consciously to shore each other up rather than add to the list of stressors. They didn’t trade any more questions and answers, and Rin didn’t broach the topic of Eli. It was as if by some unspoken agreement they had decided that they were battling enough pressures, and that their relationship could and would endure as it was until the winter break.

 _Until we’re home._ Rin had thought. _Home. Iwatobi._ _Back where it all started._

Despite his uncharacteristic reluctance to head to Iwatobi, Haru had eventually conceded to Rin and Makoto’s concerns and booked enough time off work to allow him to travel back for almost a full week. While Makoto, Sousuke and Rin, who were spending the entire winter break at home, traveled together on a short flight from Haneda, Haru opted for the cheaper, but significantly longer, rail and coach route and, after completing a few extra double shifts at the restaurant, would arrive in Iwatobi just under a week after the rest of the gang.

Parting at Tokyo station had been hard. Harder and more awkward that Rin would have liked. Makoto after his own hug with Haru had tactfully suggested to Sousuke that they go and pick up drinks for the short journey to the airport, leaving Haru and Rin stood opposite each other just before the ticket gates, the station not as busy as at rush hour, but bustling with passengers nonetheless.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” Rin had asked, unable to leave without trying just one more time incase Haru’s answer had changed.

Haru had smiled and reached out to lace Rin’s fingers with his own.

“I’ll be there in a week Rin. Less.”

“I’ll still miss you. It doesn’t feel right... _leaving you_.”

The ‘again’ had been unspoken but hung heavy between them regardless.

Haru had squeezed his fingers, Rin gripping back almost painfully. “Rin, go and see your mom and Gou. They miss you too. And I’ll just be working anyway.”

With a puff of breath that disturbed the strands of hair that had fallen across his face, Rin gave in. “O-OK. Alright. But you have to text me when you can ok? And call. I’ll call you.”

“I’ll text and I’ll call, Rin. And I’ll see you soon. We have training to do, remember? Got to get your free back in shape.”

“Hey!”

Rin had protested indignantly, only to realise from the teasing smile on Haru’s face that his planned distraction had worked. He’d rolled his eyes and hooked Haru into a hug. They’d held each other longer than was necessary, but had both decided they didn’t care about any strange looks.

And then Rin had closed his eyes and done it. His aim has been all off and all he caught was skin but it didn’t seem to matter as when he’d pulled away Haru had been looking at him startled, eyes wide and pleased.

“See you at home, Haru.” Rin had murmured, cheeks blazing as he forced himself to turn and walk through the gates.

“See you at home.” Haru called after, and when Rin had looked back Haru’s palm had been pressed to the space on his jaw that Rin had kissed.

\--x--

It had taken traveling home for Rin to realise just how much he was ready for and needed the break. The last six months had been taxing both mentally and physically in a way he had yet to even really fully comprehend, and the chance of a couple of weeks in the sleepy seaside town of his youth was just the respite he needed from the chaos of Tokyo and all that he and Haru had been battling there.

In the time that he’d been home before Haru followed, Rin had made the most of catching up with his mom and Gou after such a long gap; Gou suddenly seeming inches taller and with all the confidence and new mannerisms of a college student, and his mom looking quietly relieved to see Rin so much changed from when he had last been home. He’d spent many easy hours sat sharing tea and cake (well, just tea for him…) with them both and listening to them chatter happily, cheek rested on his fist as he declined to even attempt to get a word in edgewise.

He’d enjoyed being back in his familiar old routines too - well loved running routes, swimming in his old pool, sometimes even meeting and training with the Samezuka alumni who were also back for the holidays. He’d been able to see plenty of Makoto and Nagisa and Rei too, and although he’d always kept up a steady exchange of emails, calls and text with the latter pair while they had been based in Kyoto, there was nothing quite like getting to reconnect with his friends in person.

As happy and busy as he’d been through, the absence was glaring. He missed Haru to an extent that took him a little by surprise. More than he thought was possible in - as Haru had pointed out - less than a week. He hated thinking about Haru alone in Tokyo working and staying in his cramped accommodation, and even though they text and called each other daily he found there was still so much to miss - his half smiles, the blue of his eyes, the way he would cover up his embarrassment by looking away annoyed. His impossible tenderness and warmth, somehow still a wonderful surprise after all these years when matched with his ‘cool attitude and eyes clear as water’. The way those same eyes would light almost imperceptibly when they landed on him.

So he found himself spending a lot of time visiting ‘their’ places. He didn’t exactly mean to, it was just that more often than not when he had some free time he found his feet carrying him there. Their old pool, old school. The walks they had taken together on those first shy 'dates'. Their tree, remembering a time when they had wrestled in the dirt, sadness and hurt and desire all clashing together until the only thing that could come out was tears.  
  
He had sat, bundled up in a coat and scarf, on the same patch of beach he had come to all those months ago after releasing the rings he had been so excited for, back when his heart had been newly cleaved in two and he had thought he might not survive it. He tested the pain - there still but dulled and written over with a fresher, brighter feeling. Hope.

Because almost without realising he’d quickly found himself thinking less of that time, of that pain, and instead picturing bringing Haru there. To that exact spot on the beach to sit him down and explain everything that was in his heart. To make sure that despite all his recent flounderings there could be no mistaking the truth of what he felt for him.  
  
Afterwards, Rin had visited his father's grave again too, and as he cleaned away the leaves his hand stilled as it found, half-buried, a small wooden statue of a swimmer. A little weather-warn, but he could recognise the hand that had crafted it in an instant.  
  
_Of course._

He remembered his mother’s words at the competition. _Haruka was in Iwatobi that weekend. We met him coming down from the memorial._

Rin’s chest had hurt and as turned to look down at bay he realised he was unsure who he was trying to hide his reaction from.

 _You came to see him for me Haru. When I couldn’t be there, despite everything between us you still came._  
  
“I wish you could have met him.” Rin told his father, far from the first time he had come to that place and spoken those words. “You would have loved him. I know you would have. So please watch over him. And me. And help me. Please, help me not mess it up this time. To be the man he needs me to be. Because I love him. I really love him.”

That night had been the last before Haru had been due to arrive and so Rin had of course been sleepless. He had tossed and turned in bed like the night before a big exam, or like a kid before christmas. He wasn’t quite sure which. In the end he’d given up and slipped down the corridor to the small kitchen to make himself some warm milk with a touch of spices to try and see himself off. He was surprised to see a light go on and hear footsteps behind him.

“Rin honey?”

“Mom, sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Miyako stepped into the kitchen, long hair slung over one shoulder and dressed in her flannel nightwear. She seemed wide awake though and looked Rin over thoughtfully.

“You didn’t. What’s up, can’t sleep?”

“Mmmh. Haru’s back tomorrow.”

“You’re nervous?”

“A bit.”

“But you’re together now?”

“We are.” Rin confirmed. “At least… we’re trying to be. It’s been… different. Harder than it was.”

Miyako’s face had blurred into a soft frown. “His parents? _The ‘Nanase’s’._ ” The name spoken with barely repressed distaste. “They’re still set on making it difficult for him I take it.”

Rin had looked up and battled with himself about how honest to be. Eventually he’d sighed and looked down at his hands.

“Mom, there’s something I didn’t tell you. They… it wasn't just that they don’t approve. They don’t but he… his parents wanted him to get married. So he was technically engaged. Already. For a long time. And I didn’t know. But now he’s not. And he’s… he lost a lot because of it. He gave up so much.”

Miyako stepped forward then and pulled her son into a hug. “Oh. Oh Rin honey. I wish you would have told me. And poor Haruka… no wonder he looked so…” Miyako stopped herself. “That’s a lot. A lot for any relationship to have to face. I’m proud of you both. You love each other. You’ll be ok.”

Rin had let himself be held and when he spoke again it was a little quiet, a little afraid, and more vulnerable than he had allowed himself to be with his mother in a long time.

“Did you and Dad ever… was it ever...not easy? Complicated… not like this but… how did you know it was going to last? Haru and I, what if we messed it up too much?”

To his surprise Miyako had started laughing. “Oh Rin love, _of course_ it wasn’t always easy. You know I love your father. More than anything, but trust me when I say we had our moments. Had our own challenges to face. Its the choosing to work through them that counts. The being together. And I think when it comes to that you and Haruka are doing better than you are giving yourselves credit for.”

Then a long pause.

“You visited him today.”

Rin nodded.

And then, in spite of his childhood promise to himself to be strong for his mother, to not let it show, Rin had allowed himself not to fight the tears that welled up. “I miss him. I wish he was here. I worry sometimes I’m forgetting him. Forgetting what he would have told me.”  
  
“I know love. I do too.” Miyako held him tighter, and had to reach up a little to run her fingers through his hair. “My big grown son. You were so little. I’m sorry you were so little when we lost him. But he wouldn’t want you to be afraid. He’d want you to be brave.”  
  
“I’m trying to be.”  
  
“I know. And you will be. I know you will. He’d be so very proud of you you know. Don’t you ever doubt that.”  
  
Miyako had sniffed slightly and pulled away, smoothing Rin’s hair back from his face tenderly and then cupping his jaw.  
  
“Now listen, you stop fretting and go to sleep. You want to be looking your most handsome when you go see my future son-in-law, not all tired and pasty, yes? And tell him if he’s free I’d like him to join us for Christmas Day. He should spend it with family.”

And so Rin had returned to bed, bundled up in an old hoodie of his that - impossibly - smelled vaguely of Haru and counted the dwindling hours until he would see him again.

* * *

“Rin! Hey!” Makoto opened the door wearing a ridiculous Christmas jumper and smiling broadly.

“Is he?”

“Yeah he’s here.” Makoto chuckled moving aside to let Rin pass.

Haru had been oddly reticent to confirm his actual arrival time with Rin and had insisted on just meeting him at Makoto’s for a group dinner. Rin, who had been hoping to pick him up at the station and see him home, had eventually dropped the matter and tried not to be discouraged. He knew Haru liked his space and that perhaps being home was going to be hard for him.

So he tried to not to give it too much weight, and as he tore through Makoto’s entryway he tried not to fall over in his rush to see him…

“Haru?!”

Rin burst into the lounge to find four sets of eyes on him. Haru looked up from where he was sat cross-legged between Nagisa and Sousuke. He was wearing a navy jumper over a shirt, making his eyes look an even more brilliant blue than normal.

“Playing it cool like usual I see Rin.” Sousuke sniggered. Makoto, entering the room behind Rin, shot him a warning look.

“Hello Rin.” Haru replied mildly, but the warmth in his gaze was enough to send a shiver down Rin’s spine.

“Ah the big reunion.” Nagisa clapped his hands happily. He nudged Haru, “Should we give you and RinRin some privacy?”

“I think RinRin needs a moment.” Haru mock whispered back to Nagisa, shooting Rin a cheeky half smile.

“Hey! You missed me too!” Rin huffed, though he was grinning, and sat down across from Haru between Sousuke and Rei.

“I didn’t realise I was last. How long you guys all been here?” Rin asked trying to look anywhere but at Haru. He could feel blue eyes on him though and quickly lost the battle.

“Not long Rin. Haru arrived this morning and Nagisa and Rei were just early. Sousuke…” Makoto trailed off a little blushing.

“What, meeting the parents already?” Rin asked his best friend with a guileless smile.

“Something like that.” Sousuke stretched and Makoto grimaced a little hiding his face.

Next to Nagisa, Haru had stiffened. Rin missed the tension, but Nagisa didn’t, gently patting Haru on the knee until he was able to give him a small smile in return.  

\--x--

They ate and talked and laughed together as if no time had passed at all since they had last hung out as a group. So much had changed in that time, not least in the way that Sousuke was now a permanent fixture at Makoto’s side, and yet so much felt exactly the same as it always had.

Nagisa and Rei was both still swimming, and aiming to qualify for nationals with their university team. They both still seemed inordinately happy with their lives in Kyoto, Rei maintaining a commitment to more clubs than seemed possible while balancing a dual major, and Nagisa yet to tire of the social and educational freedom that living away from his parents offered. Rei and Rin, who had always kept up an especially close correspondence, lost themselves for a time in the finer details of a butterfly stroke adjustment Rei was working on, the pair positively bubbling with enthusiasm to be able to discuss the topic in person. Nagisa meanwhile was animatedly trying to describe to Haru a project he’d been working on in his robotics lab. Haru’s eyes had glazed a little at the technicalities, but he had a soft happy smile on his lips as he witnessed the evidence of just how happy his friend was.

Amongst proceedings, the group happened to conveniently shift to allow Rin and Haru to move to sit together. They pressed close automatically, hands reaching for one another.

“Hey again.” Rin whispered.

“Hey.” Haru gave a soft smile back.

“Missed you. How was travelling.”

“Long.” Haru arched his back, shifting his shoulder a little. Rin’s eyes tracked the movement of his muscles. “Too much time sitting down. I want to swim. ”

“Tomorrow? After a run?”

“Deal.”

Rin beamed.

Their friends around them continued talking and laughing and trading news, but Rin and Haru were each a little lost to it. Small happy smiles in place as they pretended to listen while their fingers moved together, trading slow caresses over the others palm as they pressed their sides as tight together as they would go.

Rin knew Sousuke had caught him blushing. He didn’t care. It was going well. He was back with Haru and he was done messing it up.

The atmosphere only changed slightly when everyone started to exhaust the snacks and started debating getting actual food. The pizza vs burgers battle raged on, and was hard fought on both sides, but in the end Nagisa and his pizza order won out, with Haru opting to disappear to the kitchen to prepare a couple of fillets of mackerel ‘as a side dish’.

“Can I have some mackerel too?” Rin heard himself say. Haru gave him a small, private smile. Sousuke made vomiting noises until Makoto landed a sharp elbow to the gut.

The conversation continued to flow in Haru’s absence, Rin laid back, relaxed on his elbows while Nagisa and Rei were seemingly locked in some private debate and Makoto and Sousuke made eyes at one another.

That is until Nagisa turned to Rin, his face alight and beaming and said: “RinRin, I think you should go be a gentleman and help Haru in the kitchen.”

Rin looked up a little confused. “With the mackerel? I don’t think Haru likes help…?”

“You can carry the plates.” Nagisa pressed with a grin. “I’m sure he’ll appreciate it. Right, Rei?”

“Nagisa _do not_ get me involved….” Rei hissed in warning.

Rin looked around the room of suddenly staring, slightly shifty faces. “Um. Okay?”

“Now Rin.” Nagisa prompted with a smile and a pushing motion.

Rin made his way to the Tachibana kitchen aware of the whispering and muffled giggle behind him. He knew he was most likely walking into some plot of Nagisa’s but his mind blanked as to what it could be.

He pushed through the door to find Haru with his back to him frying a couple of mackerel fillets on the hob. The sight was so familiar it touched something tender in him.

“Haru, need a hand with…”

Rin started to announce himself, Haru turning to greet him, but was quickly cut off by Nagisa shouting gleefully from behind.

“Oh look, mistletoe! I wonder how did that get there?”

Haru and Rin both tipped their heads back, eyes falling in unison on the sprig of mistletoe haphazardly taped to the ceiling.

“So you know now you need to kiss! It’s tradition!” Nagisa continued gleefully.

Rin turned to find Nagisa, Makoto, Rei and Sousuke all stood in the open doorway looking expectant, if a little guilty (well, apart from Sousuke who looked frankly a bit bored by the whole thing).

“We tried to stop him, but well... you can see how that worked out.” Rei explained exasperatedly pushing his glasses up onto his nose.

“If it helps, he got us too.” Sousuke explained eyes flicking to Makoto. “Multiple times.”

Rin turned back to Haru blinking. He felt his thoughts starting to race too fast. _Had Haru told their friends about his kissing problem?_

Haru was still stood holding a spatula in one hand, wearing a novelty ‘kiss the cook’ apron and looking unfairly unruffled as ever. His eyes searched Rin’s face before he turned to put down his cooking implement and faced Rin again.

They stared each other down.

Haru took a careful step forward, halving the distance between them. “What do you say Rin? Merry christmas.”

Rin froze, unable to move forward to meet him. This wasn’t what he’d pictured. There were things he wanted to say. Needed to explain. But he was here now, and Haru was stood before him willing and wanting and everyone was watching and Rin felt the panic well up before he could stop it, warring voices screaming in his head: _Don’t mess it up. Just kiss him._ But. _We need to talk. He needs to know._

Rin’s face had drained of colour and something must have bled into his expression as he watched Haru’s eyes narrow, a flash of hurt, and then gone. Haru looked away.

“Haru…”  
  
“Don’t Rin. It’s fine.” He declared flatly and turned around retreating back to the cooker.  
  
Rin felt it like a punch. He was suddenly very aware of the eyes of their friends on him. The atmosphere, previously jovial and light, had turned heavy and awkward. His hands started to tremble.  
  
Nagisa looked stricken. “I’m sorry... I didn’t mean...” he whispered, before Makoto placed a reassuring hand on his arm and lightly cleared his throat. “Let’s um… we’re all gonna go finish up the snacks. Leave you to it...”

As they retreated Sousuke gave Rin’s shoulder a brief squeeze, and then it was just himself and Haru. They were alone in the quiet, the only sound the spitting and hissing of Haru’s now slightly smouldering mackerel fillets.

The line of Haru’s back was tense, his fingers gripping the side of the counter, and he seemed to be trying to compose himself with long slow breaths, shoulders rising and falling.

 _Don’t give up on me. Please. Not now._ Rin thought desperately.

“Rin…” Haru started quietly.  

And despite it all, a part of Rin still felt the old impulse to run. To get away as far as he could because he knew they were on a cliff edge and one wrong move and they’d fall.

But he thought of the promises he’d made himself, made Haru - made his therapist even for goodness sake. No more running. He grit his teeth.  
  
“Haru I need to speak with you. In private. Outside.” The words were clipped, tense, crimson seeping into the ash of his skin.  
  
Haru paused then turned and eyed Rin askance over his shoulder. His gaze flicked briefly in the direction of their departed friends.  
  
“Now?”  
  
“Now.” Rin affirmed, exiting the room sharply and heading to the small neat Tachibana garden.  
  
He welcomed the shock of the cold air and tried to steady himself. _Now or never. He had to fix this. Had to tell him. He had to. Was going to…. But oh god what if it meant hurting him? losing him?_

He heard the doors slide and footsteps behind him. He turned.  
  
Haru had followed him out looking somehow completely re-composed. It was unfair really, thought Rin absently, when he knew he looked just flustered as he felt.  
  
“Rin it _is_ ok you know. Nagisa was only trying to help. I didn’t really expect-”  
  
Rin forced himself to look him square in the eyes.  
  
“Haru I kissed somebody.” he blurted, then clapped a hand over his mouth, shocked that he’d actually managed to force the words out.  
  
“Wh-what?”  
  
The composure had slipped - Haru looked like he’d just been slapped.  
  
“In Flagstaff. There was an intern. He asked me on a date and I said yes. He kissed me and I let him. I kissed him back.” The words came in a rush, Rin’s face completely white aside from two deep pink spots on his cheeks.

The silence that fell between them was suffocating. Rin felt like his heart had stopped.  

And then Haru spoke quietly.

“The blonde guy.”

“Wha--- how did you know?”

Haru flushed slightly then and looked away. “He looked... nice. It looked like you were having a good time with him.”

Rin felt a pressure build behind his eyes but fought with himself not to lose all control.

“Haru, Haru I’m so sorry…and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I wanted to I just.. ”

Several emotions seemed to flick across Haru’s eyes in quick succession, as if he wasn’t sure what to do or feel next, but when he finally spoke his voice was calm, if a little quiet.

“Rin it’s OK. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one that messed up. So you don’t owe me an apology.”

Haru took a breath and set his shoulders before he carried on, each word almost forced out. “You don’t...you don’t owe me anything. If you want to date other people, if you want to kiss them, you should be free to.”

Rin felt the tears threaten to prick. “ _What?_ Haru _no_ . I _don’t_ want to. I don’t want to date other people. I don't want to kiss them.”

“Then what about me?”

“What?

“Are you ever going to want kiss me again Rin?”

Haru’s strapped down expression gave very little away, but Rin knew him well enough to recognise the vulnerability in his eyes, to register the way his hands has become fists at his sides.

He opened his mouth helpless but Haru barreled on.

“I’ll wait Rin, I’ll wait as long as it takes but… do you think you can ever want me again? Like you used to. Because I know you’ve been trying, I know you have and I’m grateful...  but if this isn’t what you want anymore then I’d...” Haru lifted his chin determined. “I’d be... ok. I have a job now. I have friends. My dream - our dream - that wouldn’t change. So I don’t ... I don’t _need_ you to do this for me. I _want_ you Rin. I want you completely. But if these last weeks, if that’s all we can have, then I’d still rather that than lose you.”

Rin looked back at Haru open mouthed. The pain was bright and hot. _How could I ever let him think…._

“Haru _of course_ I want you. I never stopped wanting you, I...”

“You barely touch me Rin. I want you to touch me.” Haru interrupted, a flush against his skin.

“Haru. Haru I….” Rin’s heart was running too fast. The world seemed to tilt woozily and he felt his legs give way underneath him, sinking into a crouch holding his head in his hands. _Oh god, oh god, oh god._ _I’m fucking it up again. What am I doing… I love him… I love him... I…_

He felt Haru drop into a crouch beside him, gently placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Rin, Rin what? What is it? Please. It’s just me. You can tell me.”

Rin looked up and met Haru’s blue eyes. He took a breath and focused on the brilliance there.

“Thats...that’s the whole point Haru. There is no _just_ when it comes to you. You’re...you’re Haruka _freaking_ Nanase. I’ve loved you since I was...since I was just a dumb kid and…I’m scared OK. I’m trying not to be but...these past weeks with you...I can’t _just_ date you without being in love with you. And I can’t just love you without wanting it to be forever and I’m just... _scared._ That it might all go away again.”

Haru searched Rin’s expression, fingers automatically reaching up to comb through Rin’s hair as he considered his words. He looked calm again, but Rin could read the flicker of pain and guilt that played out in his expression. Haru set his mouth in a firm line, eyes determined.

“And you’re Rin Matsuoka and I’ve loved you just as long. So if there’s even the smallest chance that you can still love me like you used to I’ll do whatever it takes, whatever I have to do to make it up to you. To show you that it _is_ forever this time Rin. I love you forever and so I can wait. I’ll wait as long as it takes. ” Haru stood up, turning as if to leave but Rin caught his hand somewhat desperately, straightening up sharply.

“Dont.”

Haru flinched.

“I mean don’t go.” Rin rushed to be clear. “Haru I _do_ love you like before. I never stopped. Not for a single day. There’s nothing you could ever do that could have changed that. God I love you _more_ if that’s even possible. It’s just… Just that. I’m not sure I even know how to do this anymore.”

Haru’s lips twitched ever so slightly. “You’ve forgotten how to kiss Rin?”

Rin gave a little huff of exasperation, rolling his eyes. “Not that dummy. Just...all of it. _Us._ ”

Haru stepped a little closer, the skin of his wrist under Rin’s fingers so very warm. Despite the outward calm Rin could feel his pulse was racing.

“Well how about we start with a kiss. I can show you. If you'll let me?”

The words were soft. Rin sucked in a breath, taking in Haru’s open and hopeful expression. He swallowed audibly.

“I-I think I’ve got it.”

Rin kept his fingers clasped around Haru’s wrist as he stepped toward him, eyes lidded as his gaze dropped to Haru’s mouth.

“It’s like riding a bike right?” He muttered, more to himself than to Haru.

Haru inched closer to him, eyes fluttering shut.

“Or swimming Rin.” He whispered softly.

Rin breathed out a quiet laugh against Haru’s lips.

“Waterfreak.”

“You lik-”

Haru started to reply, but his words were lost as Rin finally pressed his mouth to Haru’s.  

At first it was soft, so soft, just the faintest brush of lips. But Haru felt the heat spread through him like a spark catching fire. He couldn’t hold back the small sigh of contentment as he raised a hand to tentatively rest against Rin’s collarbone, fingers curling a little against him, body curving in, urging Rin forward.  
  
After a fraction of parting, barely space for a breath between them, Rin deepened the kiss. Haru’s lips were soft and pliant beneath his own. Too pliant. Rin pulled away more firmly, a question in his eyes.

Haru didn’t hesitate, didn’t need any more encouragement. He surged forward and reclaimed Rin’s mouth.

Rin shuddered as their tongues slid together, his hands clutching at Haru, pressing him closer. They kissed like it was all brand new. Like they were the first to find it. Like there were infinite ways to be discovered for two mouths to work together.

He didn’t know how much time passed, but somewhere in the heady heat of it Rin became vaguely aware of the sound of a door opening and then Sousuke’s bored sounding drawl came out

“It’s ok, they’re not fighting, They’re doing the other thing.”

They broke apart laughing softly and then Haru buried his face against Rin’s neck. As Haru’s shoulders shook, Rin was surprised to feel a cool, wetness against his skin. Haru wasn’t laughing anymore.

He pulled away to cup Haru’s face in his hands, eye’s blowing wide as he took in the tears tracking down Haru’s cheeks.

“Haru! Haru you’re crying?”

Rin realised with a shock he’d only seen Haru cry once before.

“I thought I’d lost you.” Haru gasped out, shaking a little under Rin’s hands. “All this time. I tried to keep hoping...  to believe it would be ok but… I broke _everything_. What if you couldn’t forgive me?”

“Haru!” Rin wrapped Haru back in his arms, pulling him to his chest as tightly as he could. He was trembling with the force of all he wanted, all he had missed. Haru was trembling too.

“Haru I love you. I’m sorry if I ever made you think, even for a second that that might not be true. I...I’m so…”

But Haru pulled back to stop his mouth with a kiss. “No more sorry’s Rin, please. Just kiss me. Kiss me.”

Rin did, delivering a bruising kiss that tasted of tears. Haru wound an arm tighter around Rin’s neck, his hand buried in Rin’s hair, the other trailing a path of clutching touches down the muscles of Rin’s back, cupping his hip, pulling their bodies impossibly closer.

Rin groaned into his mouth and Haru felt Rin’s hands move lower to cup his ass. The heat and friction between them was rapidly building, and it wasn’t long before the slow rock of hips, the push and pull, started to turn the kissing to something else.

Haru pulled away breathless, flushed and lips swollen.

_“Rin”_

“ _Haru, Haru I missed this. I’ve missed you_ ” Rin moaned in reply against Haru’s mouth closing the gap afresh. Haru could barely breathe as they started to paw needily at each others clothes, chasing any hint of skin.

When Haru pulled away a second time it was firmer, suddenly insistent.

“Rin, come home with me. Stay with me. Please. Tonight? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want, just... stay?”  
  
Rin eyes burned dark, his gaze lowered to Haru’s lips. He bit his own and Haru could have sworn his stomach flipped a 180.  
  
“And what if I do want?”  
  
Haru huffed out a short laugh, voice coming broken and needy. “That’s ok too.”  
  
“Haru I want...”  
  
The end of the sentence was lost in kissing.  
  
“I want too, Rin.”

-x-

They half walked, half staggered through the dark and up the stone steps leading to Haru’s house, both feeling slightly drunk on kissing and electric with the promise of more.

Rin almost missed the small wooden ‘For sale’ sign standing near the entryway. Almost.

He paused and pulled back. “Wait, Haru, wait. You’re selling it?”  
  
Haru stopped, then turned, expression unreadable in the dark. There was a weight to the silence, his grip tightening on Rin’s hand until finally he answered quietly. “No. Not me.”

Rin felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured over his head. He stumbled a little, the ground seeming less stable. “Wha- how could… They did this? Because...”

Haru tugged against Rin’s arm, squeezing his fingers. He tried to keep his voice steady.

“Rin. It’s ok. You can come in. They didn’t change the locks yet and it’s not sold so... it belongs to my parents. Even if I don’t, I’m still technically a Nanase so we shouldn’t get in any trouble… I can be here one more Christmas at least ...”

Rin allowed himself to be pulled forward, stunned into silence. His grip on Haru’s hand was tighter than ever and Haru could feel he was shaking slightly.

Haru let them in and didn’t even turn the lights on downstairs, instead leading them straight up to the room that had been his bedroom. When they were through the door he gave Rin a quick kiss on the cheek then gently untwined their hands.

“I’ll be back. I just need to grab the futon Makoto lent me. I think there’s still some blankets and stuff packed away too somewhere. And I’ll message. Just so they don’t worry.”

Rin nodded wordlessly and looked around the room that had once been so familiar to him.

There was nothing there. Not Haru’s bed, not his desk or his books or pictures on the wall. The house had been stripped bare. In fact the only thing in the room at all was a small portable electric heater and duffle bag of Haru’s belongings pushed into one corner.

He took in a shaky breath and noted he could see his own exhalation. The air was just as cold as outside. He bent to turn the heater on then straightened and gazed once more around the room that had witnessed so much. So many memories. So many firsts.

He heard Haru re-enter the room and turned to find him struggling to carry a rolled up futon and a whole pile of blankets.  
  
Haru noticed the stricken expression on Rin’s face immediately and dropped the bedding to the floor.  
  
“Rin?”  
  
Rin swallowed heavily, his voice coming out dry and hoarse. “It’s... strange. Seeing it so empty. I know how much it means to you... your grandmother's house. I-I hate that you’re losing this.”  
  
Haru quickly closed the gap between them to pull Rin into his arms.  
“It’s just a house Rin.” _You’re home. You’re my home._ He willed Rin to understand.  
  
Rin buried his face against Haru’s neck, holding him back tightly. But Haru could feel the tension still in Rin’s frame.  
  
“I don’t know how to be worth all the things you gave up.” Rin finally admitted, the words cracked and raw and vulnerable.  
  
Haru pulled away and swiftly moved to cup Rin’s face. He forced Rin to meet his stare, eyes bright and urgent and unwavering.  
  
“Rin don’t. Don’t you do that to yourself. This isn’t your responsibility. My parents made a choice. And I made mine. There’s no debt to be paid. Just... love me. For as long as you can.”

Rin shuddered against him. “I can do that.” He whispered. “Of course I can do that. Haru I love you. I love you so much… forever. Haru you have to know...”

Rin claimed Haru’s lips with a passion and ardour that left Haru immediately breathless.

They stumbled a little under the force of the kiss, half frantic with the need to make up all the closeness they had missed for so long. Rin pushed forward, Haru’s back hitting the wall as Rin slid his hands under Haru’s jumper, fingers fumbling a little against the fabric of the shirt underneath, clumsy with the need for skin against skin.  

“Rin… Rin.” Haru pulled away slightly, his face heated, eyes urgent but cheeks flushed… almost embaressed.

“Mmm” Rin moved away just enough to release Haru’s lips, only to attack the delicate skin of his neck meaning the next time Haru tried to speak his words were lost in a gasp. He pushed Rin away gently, pressing their foreheads together as they panted into each others mouths.

“Haru?”

“Rin...Rin, will you… undress me?”

Rin looked at Haru, his eyes were determined but the blush over his cheeks betrayed his nerves at the request.

_“Haru”_

“I missed you Rin. I missed you _so much_.”

Rin took his time, kissing Haru long and deep and running his hands over his biceps, down his arms, before lifting them above Haru’s head and peeling the jumper up off him. The shirt underneath was already rumpled and skewed with their exertions and revealed a temping strip of skin from Haru’s neck to shoulder.

Haru’s already laboured breathing hitched as he felt warm palms slide up under the material and caress his sides, Rin's mouth at his throat, before Rin pulled away and moved to undo the buttons. Rin’s fingers shook a little, but were still sure as he slowly parted the fabric. He moved to kiss Haru’s neck again, mouth hot and firm against his pulse point, his tongue occasionally delivering small, teasing licks.

Haru’s skin quickly began to feel hot and tight all over, nerves singing, the familiar tension coiling in his belly, low and insistent. Rin pulled away a little, only to push the thin cotton from Haru’s shoulders and move his attention to Haru’s collar bones, licking and nicking the skin there with light presses of teeth.

Haru groaned as he felt himself start to shake all over, legs suddenly threatening to buckle at any moment, one hand rising to bury in Rin’s hair, the other pressed almost painfully into the muscle of his bicep for balance.

Rin moved lower.

He ran his hand over the firm, warm muscle of Haru’s pecs before surging to press his mouth against a nipple, sucking and teasing the delicate bud while a hand moved to thumb and circle the other in tandem. Haru arched up into the touch, breath coming now in short, harsh bursts.

Haru had never exactly been noisy in their love making before, but Rin started to recognise the familiar hitches of his breath, the half repressed cries. It set heat dancing across his own skin like a brand. How long since he had heard those noises… he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life making Haru create such sounds …

He doubled down on his efforts until Haru was shuddering and writhing against him, the sweet tension in his frame singing under Rin’s touch.

Then he moved lower still.

Rin pressed the flat of his tongue against Haru’s abs and lapped hungrily at the ripples and channels of muscle there while his hands started to sweep long loving caresses over Haru’s sides. Haru bucked into the touch, lifting his hips to try desperately to encourage contact where he really needed it...

 _“Rin…”_ his voice was needy, so low that he felt Rin’s reaction to it as he groaned against him.

Haru’s head fell back against the wall as he squeezed his eyes shut and shook, pleasure building in waves, the air suddenly far too thin. He was dizzy with Rin’s touch.

Rin too was starting to lose himself in the feel of Haru’s skin under his mouth. In each of Haru’s delicious little reactions to his attentions. With a low growl he dropped fully to his knees. He moved a hand to press against the seam of Haru’s jeans, a single fleeting stroke before he swiftly undid the zipper, pulling the denim away just enough to kiss along the band of Haru’s underwear, occasionally nipping at the fabric with his teeth.

 _“Rin… Rin_ … _”_ Haru was gasping, hips shifting in small helpless movements under Rin’s hands. Rin nuzzled against him, the heat of his mouth on that most sensitive part overwhelming. Haru opened his eyes, heavy lidded as he looked down at Rin, knelt in front of him, hands clutching Haru’s hips, the shock of his red hair nestled between Haru’s thighs.

He tried to hold on, but it was all too much.

Haru just about managed to weakly push against Rin’s shoulders, forcing him back a little, before the white hot heat of climax hit him. Rin looked up at him startled, watching as his expression journeyed through ecstasy to shattered contentment. With a final lingering shudder Haru collapsed boneless to his knees and Rin caught him, pulling him into his lap.

Rin was a little breathless himself, surprise written plain across his face. “Haru? Did you...I was gonna… I didn’t even…?”

Still breathing heavily, Haru gave a slow smile, gazing at Rin through heavy lashes. He nuzzled into Rin’s neck.

“I _really_ missed you Rin.”

Rin couldn’t help but laugh a little at that. Straightforward as ever, no trace of awkwardness of embarrassment. He pulled Haru closer against him and kissed him hard.

“So selfish Haru. It was just getting good.” He mumbled against his lips, although not minding in the slightest. Having Haru blissed out in his arms was its very own brand of satisfying.

“It _was_ good Rin. More than good. And I’ll be ready again in a minute.” Haru protested weakly.

Rin nibbled his collarbone, smiling wickedly. “Oh I am counting on it.”

-x-

Rin disappeared very briefly, leaving Haru to sprawl out on the mass of blankets he had collected, one hand resting comfortably on his stomach as he felt the contentment settle over him, bone deep.

“Your water wouldn’t run hot so I had to quickly use the kettle.” Rin explained apologetically on his return, setting down a small bowl and a cloth.

“Mmh the heat seems to be shut off, but the electric’s ok.” Haru explained absently, watching Rin. His hair was a ruffled mess and his clothes were pulled in all manner of directions. Haru frowned slightly. Far far too many clothes.

Rin’s eyes had flickered a little at Haru’s words, but he quickly shook it away and gestured to Haru’s spoiled underwear.

“Come on. Clean up.”

They laughed and wrestled together as they pushed and pulled each other out their jeans, Haru demanding that Rin quickly draw even with him in nakedness before he would allow Rin to touch him again in any meaningful way.

Haru let Rin clean him off only just as much as he deemed absolutely essential before he pulled the cloth away from Rin’s hands, discarding it, and instead wound his arms around Rin’s neck pulling him down into a deep kiss.

Haru, true to his word, was quickly recovered.

Rin pulled away smiling.

“Already?”

Haru nipped at him then rolled them over, pressing Rin into the futon.

“I told you. I missed you.”

Rin laughed and they kissed again, Rin shivering slightly as Haru’s hands started to explore all of the newly exposed skin. After a time, Haru paused his attentions and pulled away only as much as was needed to retrieve a small wash case from his pile of belonging. Rin’s brows lifted a little in happy surprise.

“You planned for this?”

Haru pushed him down again. “I live in hope Rin….and you want to? Right?”

Rin paused.

“Rin?”

Rin covered his face with a hand. “Urgh it’s so stupid. I want to. _I really want to_ . I’m just... I’m _nervous_ now.”

Haru put the case down and dipped his head to kiss just under Rin’s ear and whispered. “Rin it’s just me. It’s just us. And I love you.”

Haru claimed his mouth then and kissed him, long and slow and so so sweetly that Rin soon forgot his nerves. In fact, if asked, he may well have struggled to recall his own name, so undone by the heady mix of care, love, romance, pleasure, emotion and intensity he found in Haru’s arms.

Then Haru pulled away, settling back on his heels between Rin’s legs. Rin drew up onto his elbows, trying to follow the warmth, but Haru gently but firmly pushed him back down.  
  
“Haru?”  
“I want to look at you.”  
  
Rin’s blush went from rose to scarlet in an instant as Haru’s eyes raked hungrily over his body, gliding from his eyes, to his neck, collar bones, pecs, abs and lower.  
  
_“Harrruu...”_ Rin whined, shifting restless, Haru’s heated gaze almost a physical sensation on his skin. Almost, but not enough.

Haru brought his palms to run up and down the length of Rin’s thighs in a gesture both soothing and maddening.  
  
“You’re beautiful Rin. You’re beautiful and I missed you.”  
  
“Haru _please..._ ”

Rin’s meagre patience snapped and he rose to hook Haru round the neck, pulling him back down against him so their bodies were flush.

“Rin, what do you want? I want to make you feel good. So tell me.” Haru spoke between kisses and Rin turned to bury his face against Haru’s neck.

“I want you.” He spoke the words into Haru’s skin trying unsuccessfully to hide his blush. “I want to feel you inside me again. Please. Haru I’m yours.”

Haru pulled away just enough to take in Rin’s eyes, wide and dark, pupils blown with desire. He nodded.

—x—

Haru took his time. He explored Rin’s body so gently and reverently, opening him up with agonising care until Rin was whimpering against him, begging Haru to fit their bodies together.

When Haru finally did push into Rin, it felt like coming home. He trembled in Rin’s arms feeling the slick heat and warmth of him, Rin’s own body wrapping around Haru, urging him closer, holding him safe and tight and finally whole again.

Haru just about had words enough, presence of mind enough, to whisper against Rin’s neck ‘ _Is it ok?”_ before he lapsed into wordlessness, having to work desperately not to fall apart in Rin’s arms - _not yet. Not yet._  
  
Rin didn’t make it past the first syllable of Haru’s name, the only answer he was able to give coming in the tightening of his thighs at Haru’s waist, his fingers digging into the smooth muscle of Haru’s back and willing him impossibly even closer.

They moved together. Panting, stealing kisses between breaths. As the pace quickened, the urgency bleeding out, Haru pulled back a little, lifting Rin’s hips higher to deepen each thrust and allowing him to gaze down on his lover with heavy lidded eyes.

Rin looked utterly ravishing - and ravished - lying beneath Haru, back arched, hand knotted in his own hair as his breath came quick and short and hard, abs rippling with each snap of Haru’s hips, heels digging into the small of Haru’s back urging him on, _faster, deeper, more._  
  
Unbidden, the idea came to Haru that he almost lost this, the privilege of seeing Rin this way, of being the one to reduce him to wordless moans. That Rin could have lain like this with somebody other than him.  
  
The thought hit with an uncharacteristic pulse of possessiveness and Haru quickened his pace, thrusting desperately as Rin shuddered under him.

 _‘You’re mine’_ he wanted to say _‘mine, you’re mine’_

But when he finally found sense enough to form words, instead what came out in trembled tones was, “I’m yours. Yours Rin, I’m yours.”

* * *

After, they lay on their sides, facing each other and legs tangled comfortably together, kissing lazily, their hands drifting over each others bodies without the heat and urgency of earlier, but filled with a warm affection and desire.

Occasionally they pulled apart just enough to talk, whispering to each other stories or shared memories both of their time together and of their time apart.

Eventually, Haru pulled back a little further and regarded Rin with a shy questioning look, slightly nibbling his bottom lip.

“What?” Rin asked, stroking his palm up along Haru’s bicep.

“Will you tell me about him?”  
“Who?”  
“The blonde. The guy you kissed” Haru looked at him, his gaze unguarded but it was clear he wasn’t going to push if Rin didn’t want to.  
“Oh, Elijah?”  
“Elijah” Haru repeated frowning. “I don’t like him.”  
Rin laughed softly and pulled Haru closer. “Don’t Haru he was... my friend. It wasn’t... It never could have been anything. He wasn’t you. You know it’s only ever been you right?”  
“So you didn’t?”  
“What?”  
“You know.’ Haru’s eyes flicked down to their tangled bodies. “This. With him”  
“Haru no!” Rin pulled away startled.  
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked I just... wondered. It’d be ok you know. If you had.”  
“You really mean that?” Rin asked suspiciously.  
“Well...not exactly. I’d be jealous. Badly I think.” Haru admitted “But, I’d understand it. It would be ok.”  
“Haru nothing happened. We barely even kissed. I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”  
Haru nodded.

Then a small shy smile.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you either. Sometimes I would think that I saw you and it would take a few seconds for my brain to catch up and remember that It couldn’t possibly be... I felt like I was losing it.”

Rin pulled forward and captured Haru’s lips in a slow, deep kiss.

“And how do you feel now?”

Haru’s lips curled wider, a rare full happy smile. “Lost. Completely. In you.”

Rin rolled Haru back against the blankets and leaned his weight into him, the warmth blazing again into full raw desire.

“ _In me_ huh? That sounds good.”

Haru laughed. “Not so nervous now?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

* * *

After the second time, they dozed lightly for a while, Haru lay on his back with Rin’s head rested on his chest, his arms circling Haru.

Haru woke first, lying still and simply savoring the moment, before Rin stirred a little and their gazes met. Rin could see a question in Haru’s.

“Rin, does this mean I can be your boyfriend again?”

Rin propped himself up properly, expression a little nonplussed. “Haru! You really have to ask?”

“Yes Rin, I’m asking you. Will you be my boyfriend?”

Rin’s face split into a broad grin. “Haru of course!”

Haru leaned up and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “And this is it now. Forever”

“Forever...Haru ..wha--hey!”

Haru had taken advantage of Rin’s distraction to wrap his legs firmly around Rin’s waist, rather unceremoniously rolling them so that Rin found his back pressed into the blankets, Haru pinning his hands above his head and holding his hips in place with his knees so that he was utterly at his mercy.

Haru pressed his face close to Rin’s, looking down at him with his eyes blazing and determined.  
  
“Then there’s something else I need to say Rin and you need to listen to me.” Haru took a deep breath. “That was the last time you ever tell me you’re not enough for me, ok? You don’t get to decide that. You don’t even get to think it. You might be taller but I’m older than you and I get a say too. I get to choose for myself. And I say that you’re enough. You’re more than enough. You are everything to me. So don’t you dare ever use that as an excuse to leave me again, ok? You leave me again it’s because you want to. YOU. Not because you think it’s what best for me. Because I’ve made my decision. You’re enough and you’re mine and I’m yours ok?”

“O--ok Haru.” Rin stammered, eyes wide as he took in the blazing, beautiful boy above him. It felt a little like trying to stare at the sun except the burn felt good, right. _I’m really enough. For him. For Haru its enough._

He felt a pulse of fresh desire through him. Haru shifted his hips a little experimentally.

“Really Rin?”

Rin looked away blushing, a faint scowl on his face.

“Tsk. What do you expect. You’re sexy when you’re all...naked and angry and demanding.”

“Rin.”

“Yeah?”

“Kiss me.”

-x-

Rin tried to go slowly, to return the careful reverence Haru had shown his own body, wanting to make sure Haru felt nothing but pleasure. But Haru was quickly impatient, batting Rin’s hands away and sinking down onto him in one smooth movement.

Rin’s head hit the futon and he let out a strangled cry, eyes squeezed tight shut and trying desperately not to be immediately overwhelmed by the tight, hot, heat of him. He massaged his hands over Haru’s lower back in a way he hoped might ease the stretch, finally managing to strangle out.  
“H-haru. Are you ... is it ok?”  
  
Haru nodded, eyes fluttering closed. “Mmmh. Just a minute.”  
  
After a few trembling breaths Haru leant forward and kissed Rin deeply. “I love you Rin, I love you.” He murmured against his mouth, starting a slow rock of his hips.  
  
But before Rin could lose himself in the bliss of it he felt like an anvil had dropped on his chest, the memory of the last time they had lain together this way crashing over him - Haru above him, around him, letting him into his body and breathing those same soft words against his skin. He felt a sob of grief rise up and he surged forwards to sit up, hands sliding from Haru’s hips to his back, stilling his movements and pulling him into his arms and so close against him. He shuddered against his neck, tears already starting to fall.

“I’m sorry. God I’m so sorry. I made you leave. After we... I just watched you go. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.”  
  
“Rin?”  
  
“That day. I just turned away. I made you go. I-I Haru I...”  
  
Haru held him back, wrapping his legs tighter around his waist, pushing their heads together, the sweat from their brows mingling.

“I know Rin, I know. I believe you. I’m sorry too. I should never have walked away. It should never have even gotten that far. I should have stood up to my parents a long time ago. It shouldn’t have taken realising I was losing you to know it was the right thing to do. Letting you think… letting you believe even for a moment that you were anything but the most important thing to me. That was a mistake.”

“You’re the most important thing to me too Haru.”

They stayed locked together and kissing deeply until on instinct Rin shifted his hips a fraction causing Haru to cry out into the kiss.

“Rin. Rin please. Please I need you.”  
  
Rin pulled back and cradled Haru’s face in one hand. Then without warning he rolled them, hand moving to cup Haru’s head to lower it gently to the twisted mass of blankets.

And then Rin made love to him, slowly and methodically communicating through touch, through the slide of skin against skin, the incalculable depth and breadth of his love of Haru.  
  
Haru squirmed and writhed with the sensation of it. Of Rin - above him, around him, inside him - the pleasure of it hitting him in wave after wave and overwhelming him. It pushed him past words, only able to whimper with desperate need, torn between begging for release and begging that it never end.

And Rin was merciless, keeping him balanced in the delicious, infuriating knife edge of too much and not enough.  
  
He captured Haru’s lips - Haru too far gone to kiss back, only panting against Rin’s mouth - and then whispered against his skin, breath tickling the shell of his ear.  “I love you Haru. Ha-ru-ka. Nanase Haruka. My Haru” Rin moved lower, tongue lapping at the sensitive skin of Haru neck. Teeth occasionally just grazing, nipping, teasing the one particular spot that drove Haru wild. Haru just managed to bury a hand in Rin’s hair, encouraging him, when Rin finally bit down.  
  
Haru fell apart. Crying out and shaking and spasming in Rin’s arms as Rin rocked him through his release before finally letting go of control and following him.

In the aftermath for a long time they just lay together. Haru felt utterly unspooled and in need of several long minutes to gather himself, allowing himself to be reformed by the heat of Rin’s love. He lay on his back staring up and the ceiling, the fingers of his left hand still tangled up with those of Rin’s right hand where he lay beside him in mirrored pose. The silence broken only by their still laboured breathing.  
  
“Rin...” Haru finally spoke, voice weak and vulnerable and questioning.  
  
Rin cut in.  
“I won’t Haru. I’ll never leave you again. I swear it. I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.”  
  
And he pulled Haru close in to him, their bodies curled together.  
  
Haru let the safety, the calm wash over him and then finally he slept.

-x-

Haru woke in the night, at first unsure of where he was and then suddenly, wonderfully aware of the body beside him. He kissed Rin awake, impulse control too poor to let him sleep on and climbed over him, straddling his hips,

“Again?” Rin murmured weakly against Haru’s neck, kissing the delicate skin there.

“Mmmh” Haru confirmed, already shifting to slide and grind down against him.

“Haru!” Rin protested with a little laugh. “I can’t. You’ll kill me”

Haru was undeterred, eyes glittering in the dark as he felt Rin’s body persuaded to his cause far quicker than his words suggested.  

“Try.”

Rin kissed him. Hard.

-x-

When Haru next woke it was approaching morning, the room dusky and grey aside from the slight glow of the heater in the corner. Not that he was sure he needed it, Rin was entirely wrapped around him from behind, the warmth from his body cosy and comforting, his left arm slung around Haru and their hands clasped together just in front of Haru’s face. 

The tender relief he felt at having Rin close, at knowing it wasn’t all just another dream, crashed over him. Haru gazed at their entwined hands sleepily. Rin’s long graceful fingers curling against his own. Haru kissed each knuckle in turn, then let his lips linger against Rin’s ring finger, slowly kissing his way up to the first joint.

Rin stirred slightly behind him, nuzzling against his neck.  
  
Haru took a deep breath. Rin felt him tense slightly in his arms.  
  
“Rin...Rin are you awake?” Haru spoke so softly he was almost surprised when Rin responded, pressing a quick kiss just behind his ear.  
  
“Yeah Haru. I’m here. What is it?”  
  
“I... I know. About what you had planned for us. What you had wanted to ask me.”  
  
It was Rin’s turn to tense up. Haru listened to him take a few shallow breaths before breathing out slow and steady.  
  
“Oh.” Then “How?” His voice was a little thin, but his arms around Haru didn’t waver.  
  
“Makoto told me. Don’t be angry with him.” Haru rushed out. “I just... I thought you should know.”  
  
He felt Rin nod against him, then, quietly. “It’s ok. I’m not angry.”

Haru wriggled in Rin’s arms, Rin loosening his grip to allow him to turn so they were face to face. 

Haru reached up automatically to trail his fingers through Rin’s hair, gently combing away the loose strands that covered his face so his eyes were unobstructed.  
  
Rin looked back at Haru with a clear and steady gaze. Open, vulnerable and so so loving.  But he couldn’t quite hide the sadness that was there too.  
  
Haru pressed a kiss to his brow.  
  
“Rin...That night when you asked about marriage. If I’d ever thought about us that way. The way I reacted. It’s not. It wasn’t.... ”  
  
Rin had closed his eyes and seemed to be trying to steady himself. When he opened them again he pressed forward to cut Haru off with a kiss.  
  
“It’s ok.” He mumbled against his mouth. “Haru really you don’t need to explain.” Another kiss. “It’s my fault. I should have spoken about it with you first instead of... doing what I always do and just rushing ahead. I got ahead of myself, that’s all. I should have thought more about what you might want... how you might feel about it. Perhaps if I’d tried to talk to you none of this would have...”  
  
Haru’s eyes flashed fierce in the dark. “Rin don’t! Don’t ever apologise to me for wanting that ... for wanting that with me. I’m the one that’s sorry. The way I reacted that night … it wasn’t because… It’s not because of how I feel Rin. I just, I didn’t know. I never believed that could be an option. For us.”

Rin’s palm slid warm up Haru’s back. His expression was a strange mix between sadness and something else, something more hopeful.

“There...there _are_ ways Haru. In some cities. A few wards.” Rin spoke slowly, quietly. Barely more than a whisper and so tentative that Haru felt each word press at the pressure in his chest. “And places we could have gone abroad. I-I had looked it up...I had...” Rin’s voice tailed off thin and cracking, the evidence of old grief not fully gone. He closed his eyes again and a few tears escaped.

Haru leaned forward to kiss them away. “I know Rin. I know that now.”

A long stretch of silence followed, broken only by the sounds of their mouths moving together. Then Haru pulled back just enough to whisper. “Rin, its really forever this time. I want forever with you.”  
  
Rin seemed to hold in a breath for a moment before answering, burying his face against Haru’s chest and speaking into the place above his heart. “Forever Haru. I just want you. To be together anyway we can. It’s enough. It’s more than enough for me I swear. The rest of it...I thought it mattered more than it does. All that matters to me is this. Us. It’s all I want.”  
  
Haru opened his mouth to speak, but instead he pulled Rin up and kissed him, savouring the soft, quick give of his lips as they opened under him. Trying to communicate through the movement of their mouths what he wasn’t quite able to ask yet.  
  
_I’ll give you that and more_ . He thought. _I want to give you everything. I’m going to._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo it only took me a _mere_ twenty chapters and 140k+ words but here they are! Back together! Finally!! 
> 
> I’m not really sure what else to say about this chapter because all my impulses are having me running away awkwardly blushing lol. I am not great at doing the ‘M’ bits so I hope it was ok. I also guess that just means I need to practise, right? Haha. I guess other than that I’ve been waiting to get to this point for a while and if you have too thanks so much for waiting with me! I know it’s been a bit of an angst-fest so yay for getting through the other side!
> 
> Also, side note, Nagisa’s intentions were absolutely for the best and, while a little bit of a blunt instrument, did provide Rin with the last little push he needed so I hope it didn’t come across another way. I felt a bit guilty toward his character in this chapter and _one day_ I aspire to write a fic that actually does all the main group justice -- I just tend to get a bit fixated on RH because its RH  <3<3 
> 
> **Next chapter:**  
>  The Christmas break provides important time and space to reconnect, and Haru and Rin see in the New Year reunited and ready to chase their goals together.


	21. TWENTY-ONE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:** Contains some NSFW/M content.

Soft winter sunlight streamed in through the window blinds and fell over a tangle of limbs stretched across the floor.

Rin lay heavy and boneless over Haru’s chest, cheek pressed to Haru’s heart. As he slowly stirred into consciousness he couldn’t fight the smile that spread across his face.

 _Haru was here, he was really here. They were together._  

He played the night’s conversations, the night’s activities, over in his head and the smile only grew. No more secrets. No more lies. And Haru had still wanted him. Rin could feel the evidence, the sensation, of that want still, his stomach fluttering with the memory of Haru above him, beneath him.

Carefully, ever so carefully he lifted himself onto his elbows and gazed down at Haru.

Rin had always liked watching Haru sleep. It went right back to one of the first times they’d shared a bed. He’d woken to find Haru drooling ever so slightly on his pillow. He’d never told Haru - he wasn’t suicidal - but it had been a revelation. In waking Haru was so perfect, so intimidatingly, impossibly, untouchably perfect that Rin wasn’t even sure where to start trying to be worthy of him. But in sleep, seeing him like this - hair a little mussed, lips parted and occasionally making the smallest of snuffling sounds - Rin was reminded that even Haruka Nanase was a flesh and blood human. A flesh and blood human who had somehow, impossibly, picked him.

He resisted the urge to kiss him. Haru needed the rest, and if Rin started he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to stop.  

Haru, as if sensing Rin’s battle and aware he was being watched, blinked awake to find Rin above him staring. His eyes crinkled a little automatically and he raised a hand to trail through Rin’s hair, mumbling something unintelligible, still slow with sleep.

Rin leaned in closer, smiling. “What?”

“You still sleep the same.”

“Huh? Oh! shit, sorry.” Rin tried to roll away, but his progress was impeded by Haru’s arms lifting to cage him in place.

“No, I like it.”

Rin smiled impossibly wider and then pressed forward to deliver a sweet, simple kiss.

“I like waking up with you.”

Rin kissed him again, less simple, just as sweet. Infact, despite their plentiful exertions the night before, Haru felt himself roused anew. He nuzzled away a little, cradling Rin’s face in his hands, thumbs brushing over his cheeks.

“ _Careful Rin.”_ He murmured, voice thick with desire. “If you carry on I might not let you get up.”

“And why would I mind that?”

“Don’t you want to run? You always run.”  
Rin cocked a brow  
“You think I’m going running after THAT?”  
“Well I mean... if you don’t care about beating me anymore. Guess my national record will just go unchallenged...” Haru teased

“Oy!” Rin wrestled him, pinning Haru’s arms above him and smothering him in tickling kisses.

“Rin...Rin stop!” Haru gasped, laughing as Rin’s lips hit a particularly sensitive spot - which was all the encouragement he needed to continue.

“No. Can’t stop. Need to kiss you. Everywhere. All of you.”

Haru’s laughter soon turned to moans of pleasure. It wasn’t exactly methodical but it was thorough - Haru didn’t think he had never been so completely touched, kissed in his whole life.

“Rin——ahhhhh... _Rin_ ” Haru arched with a gasp as Rin’s mouth finally met its mark.

\--x--

Haru floated down from his climax feeling freshly dozy and satisfied. He was only half aware of Rin still kissing his stomach, nuzzling a line down his abs which Rin found were, impossibly, flatter and tighter than normal.

Rin had of course seen Haru in his jammers most days, but he found there was something different about having him in his hands, his lips pressed against him.  
  
“You got kind of skinny.” He remarked lightly, only a flicker of the worry he felt seeping through.  
  
Haru sat up a little. “I didn’t mean to. Does it bother you?”  
  
“ _What!_ Haru no I... no. I didn’t mean that... I think you’re beautiful. So beautiful. And hot... really hot, really sexy and amazing and” Rin pulled back swiftly, his babbling bleeding into blushing.

Haru cocked his head, a slight smile playing on his lips.

“Carry on.”

Rin blushed harder. “Hey! You know I’d love you no matter what you looked like. I just ... god I wish I’d taken better care of you.”  
  
“Rin...”  
  
Haru ruffled a hand through Rin’s hair, tone warning but unable to fully bite back the curve of his lips.  
  
“Ok, ok. But... I mean you have to let me spoil you a little bit while we're home, right?” Rin suddenly sat up straighter “In fact. Even better. Let my mom do it. She’s dying for someone to fatten up and if she feeds Steve anymore he’ll have a coronary soon.”  
  
Haru sat up properly, dislodging Rin who settled in his lap instead.  
  
“You mean... come over for dinner?”  
  
“No, I mean come stay. You didn’t seriously think I could leave you here right? You don’t even have heat Haru. No hot water!”

Haru looked around at the bare room. “It’s not that bad.”

“Haru, I know I joked about your halls, but this actually _does_ count as squatting. Come home with me, stay with me. Please?”

“I-” Haru chewed his lip. “Are you sure she won’t mind? Your mom?”  
  
Rin laughed. “Are you kidding? Haru! If we hadn’t gotten back together there’s a 50/50 chance you would have been invited for christmas instead of me. She loves you. You know that!”

Haru stopped even trying to hold back his smile. He wrapped his arms tight around Rin’s neck.

“Ok, I’ll stay.”

\--x--

It took a while for them to untangle long enough to begin the work of getting ready, but when they finally did the sun was already climbing high in the sky bringing with it a beautifully bright winter's day.

In the bathroom Haru stood in front of the mirror examining the constellation of marks Rin had left against his skin. He pressed his fingers to a particularly vivid one on his neck, smiling. They were usually much more careful about leaving evidence, but he found - just this once - he didn’t mind in the least.

He felt Rin’s arms slip around his waist pulling him in. Smiled again at the reflection in the mirror that showed an answering set of marks across Rin’s skin.

“Are you sure we can go to your moms?”

Rin cocked his head thinking about it, then he grinned. “We’ll just have to wear scarves!”

\--x--

When they had finally dressed and packed up Haru’s meagre belongings, they left the house hand in hand.

Haru looked back, eyes swimming a little. Who knew when it would sell. He might never get to think of it as his again.

Strong arms wrapped around him, and he felt Rin press a kiss to his neck.

“I’ll get it back for you someday. I promise. When we’re both rich and famous I’ll come knock on the door and offer whoever is living here a disgusting amount of money and it will be yours again.”  
  
Rin sounded so serious, so sincere. Haru shut his eyes and smiled, letting himself picture it as a fleeting vision. Then he twisted around in Rin arms and kissed him.  
  
“It’s ok Rin. Really. Let’s find somewhere new instead - somewhere that can be ours.”  
  
Rin’s eyes widened at that and he kissed the air from Haru’s lungs.

\--x--

They stopped by Makoto’s first, intending just to apologise in person for their disappearing act, but they were quickly swept inside and ended up passing a pleasant hour or two sipping hot chocolate in the Tachibana kitchen with Makoto, Ren and Ran.

The exact details of the conversation were limited due to the presence of Makoto’s younger brother and sister, but the looks passed between Haru and Makoto were enough.

Makoto clasped Rin’s shoulder as they were leaving and smiled. “I knew it would all come good. I’m so happy for you both.”

“Koto, whats a hickey?” Ran’s voice came from behind them. “Ren says Haruka has one but he won’t tell me what it means.”

Makoto grimaced. “Uh, you guys should probably go now.”

Rin ducked his head guiltily. “Sorry.”

Makoto only laughed. “It’s fine… just maybe do a better job with the scarves before you get home? You guys are covered.”

The ground sadly refused to cooperate and swallow Rin.

* * *

Haru hung back a little when they reached the Matsuoka home, suddenly nervous despite Rin’s reassurances. Miyako had always gone above and beyond to make him feel welcome it was true, but suddenly turning up unannounced for the christmas holidays seemed like it could be pushing his luck.

Rin seemed to have no such concerns, bursting in through the door and calling out loudly. “Mom. I’m home. And Haru’s here. He’s gonna stay with us for the break. That cool?”

They walked in to find Miyako reading at the kitchen table. The moment she saw Haru she dropped the book with a smile.

“Haruka! Of course. We’re so glad you could join us. Welcome home!”

She stood and wrapped Haru into a hug. Rin was about to protest to the manhandling on Haru’s behalf when he noticed Haru fold into the contact. He decided to let them be. He felt a hard pinch at his side.

“Finally. You idiots better not mess it up this time.” Gou cautioned.

“Hey.” Rin growled, but he couldn’t stop smiling as he ruffled her hair affectionately.

Miyako clapped her hands together eyes passing over the three of them.

“Oh a full house again! We’ll have to have a special dinner to celebrate! Gou and I were actually just off shopping. We’ll get some fresh mackerel on the way home, sound good?”

Gou frowned. “We were?”

Miyako smiled sweetly. “Yes. Remember, I said I’d buy you the latest muscle calendar-thingy you’ve been asking for?”

Gou caught on. “Oh yes! Shopping! See you guys later!”

Rin rolled his eyes. “Subtle. Thank you both.”

Miyako just ruffled his hair, eyes twinkling. “You two behave now! We’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

As the Matsuoka women left, Haru stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Rin.

“Thank you.”

Rin kissed him a little bemused. “For what?”

“For this. For wanting to share it with me. Your family - I really love them too you know. I want to look out for them. With you.”

Rin’s eyes filled.

“Haru! You can’t just say things like that.”

Haru smiled. “Watch me.”

They kissed in the kitchen until Rin tugged the bags from Haru’s shoulder.

“Come on. Let’s get you settled. You hungry?”

Haru nipped at Rin’s neck.

“I mean for _food_ Haru!”

Haru shrugged looking a little indifferent, but they’d barely eaten at all since the snacks at Makoto’s so Rin was insistent. He raided the fridge putting together a couple of plates of leftovers and which they carried over to the sofa. Rin flicked on the TV to find a cheesy Christmas movie was playing. He turned to Haru, eyes hopeful.

“Wanna watch?”

Haru nodded, mouth full of food after suddenly finding himself ravenous after all, but as soon as he and Rin were finished he whipped the plates away so he could settle himself more firmly in Rin’s arms.

They curled together ostensibly to watch the movie but Haru - who was never that interested in romcoms anyway - quickly dozed off, lulled by the warmth of Rin’s body, his familiar smell and the rhythm of his breathing.

Rin stayed motionless long after the credits rolled, wanting Haru to rest, still letting it sink in that this was all real and not some fantasy he’d concocted. That after everything, Haru was his and he was Haru’s.

He stared down at the figure sleeping in his arms.

_I don’t know how I thought I’d manage to live without this._

\--x--

That night dinner was a loud and happy affair. Haru didn’t say much, but he found he didn’t have to, the three redheads more than easily filling up all the silences with good natured teasing, chatter and laughter. He looked around and tried to soak it all in.

There was a dull pain there it was true when thinking about his own family - the indifference they had usually shown the holidays, more than happy to let Haru fend for himself and be swept up by the Tachibana’s - but it was vastly outweighed by the bubble of happiness he felt pressing in his chest at the scene before him. At the feeling of belonging. Of truly being home.

_This is family. My Family. Maybe not officially yet… but soon._

The small, soft smile didn’t leave his face all evening.

After, despite Miyako’s protests, he and Rin tackled the washing up and tidying of the kitchen, working in companionable silence, occasionally bumping shoulders or brushing hands as they navigated the small space.

Then Rin disappeared for a quick shower only to return, hair still dripping to let Haru know he’d prepared him a bath.

Haru sunk down into the water - cool just like he prefered - and closed his eyes. He felt the stress and strain of the previous weeks and months slowly start to fall away. Somehow, impossibly, they’d found a way through. Rin had forgiven him, they’d forgiven each other, and suddenly the idea of a future together didn’t seem out of reach at all.

He thought back to when he’d last been in the Matsuoka home - back when he’d been feeling so lost, so hopeless and beaten down. So far from Rin, so far from making things right. He ran the water through his fingers and allowed himself to pause and take in just how far away that felt now.

There was nothing stood between them anymore. While the rejection from his parents still ached, a slow-healing wound, it also left him truly free for the first time in his life.

_I get to be with Rin._

He launched himself from the water. Suddenly a bath didn’t seem that appealing when Rin was just a room away.

\--x--

Haru found Rin perched on the bed, a towel still around his shoulders. He looked up surprised as Haru entered.

“That was fast. For you.”

Haru frowned as he noted the futon laid out on the floor. He looked at Rin.

“Ah. There’s not a whole lot of space in the bed so I thought...” Rin started to explain toes curling into the carpet.

Haru crossed the room quickly and climbed into his lap, a hand pressed to his chest. “I’m not sleeping on a futon Rin.”

“Not you! You have the bed I just… if you’d sleep better I can…”

Haru cut him off with a kiss. “You’re not sleeping on a futon either.”

Rin’s smile betrayed a hint of relief. “Ok.”

Haru pushed him down, only for Rin to roll them, pressing him into the mattress and kissing him passionately, deep presses of tongue leaving Haru unable to repress the whimpers.

It shouldn’t have felt as exciting as it did. They’d spent almost a whole 24 hours kissing… and more, but just like always he felt himself turn molten and quivering under Rin’s hands.

As Rin’s palms slipped under his shirt to electrify the still-damp skin beneath Haru wondered, not for the first time, if without Rin he would have ever found this - this need, this want, this hunger that only ever seemed to grow even in the very act of satisfying it. What exactly was it about Matsuoka Rin that could make him feel things, desire things, that nobody else had before or since? Rin had changed him, changed the very course of his life all in the simple act of just being who he naturally was.

But then trying to quantify all the ways Rin was remarkable to him was futile really, and so Haru turned his focus to the much more satisfying task of simply kissing him back with all he had.

“I’m so happy you’re here Haru.” Rin whispered as they seperated for air.

Haru parted his lips to respond, but anything he could have said would have been utterly unequal to the scope and scale of his feelings. He lay beneath Rin, blue eyes captured by red and - utterly stripped of his defences - the only answer he was able to give came in the form of tears.

Rin’s eyes widened a fraction before he dipped to kiss them from Haru’s cheeks.

“Haru… Haru you’re crying.” he murmured against his skin, a hint of concern.

Haru buried a hand in Rin’s hair.

“I’m just happy Rin. I’m happy too.” Then, tone wry: “And you and your stupid crying rubbed off on me.”

Rin chuckled softly and nuzzled into him. “I’m gonna need to get used to this you know. You cry. You cook more than just mackerel. You live in a flat without a bath. You’ve changed Nanase.”

Haru reached up to playfully flick Rin’s earring. “Look who’s talking Matsuoka. Since when do you wear band t-shirts anyway?”

Rin pouted. “I thought you might think I look sexy in them.”

Haru scoffed then reached to catch the hem of Rin’s T-shirt. “I can think of something sexier…”

* * *

 

Rin woke to the sensation of Haru’s lips against his jaw, feather light kisses that were barely there before they were gone, landing on a fresh patch of skin.

He loosed a sleepy sound and lifted a hand to bury in the soft strands of Haru’s hair.

“Morning Rin.” Haru breathed against his neck before kissing him proper.

For a while they simply lay together making out, Haru pushing Rin back until he could bracket his head in his hands, his body half draped over him.

It was innocent enough, that is until Haru moved to straddle Rin and slid his hand into Rin’s boxers.

Rin gasped, eyes blowing wide as Haru gripped him firmly, starting up a steady stroke.

“Haru!” he hissed, tone strained and eyes flicking to the door. True it was barely morning, but his mom and Gou were often up almost as early as he was.

Haru only smiled and increased the pressure of his hand. It was just like when they were still in school, Rin flighty but wanting. The darkness of his eyes, the slight stutter of his hips, betraying him. He moved forward to kiss the bridge of Rin’s nose, hand unwavering as it teased Rin to full hardness.

“Rin you’re almost 20. I think they know that we do stuff. They’re not going to bust in here. And I’ll stop if you tell me to.”

Rin groaned, curling forward so his head rested on Haru’s shoulder, hand lifting to grasp Haru’s shirt, to push under it, desperate to feel the skin and hard muscle underneath.

“Or, we could just be quiet about it.” Haru whispered, licking the shell of Rin’s ear.

Rin turned and kissed him, clumsy with desire.  

Haru pulled back just enough to tug his own boxers down. Rin’s eyes widened a little as he took Haru in, clearly equally as aroused as he was. Haru pressed his hips forward until he cold take them both in his grip, thrusting slightly in time to the movement of his hand. Rin had to smother his cries against Haru’s shoulder, teeth just pressing through Haru’s t-shirt.

Haru lifted his free hand to Rin’s jaw, gently tugging his gaze up toward him.

“Rin… Rin look at me.” he whispered.

Rin lifted his eyes, biting his lip to stifle the groan.

Haru stepped up the rhythm, Rin pushing forward helplessly to meet each stroke. They panted in unison, holding each other's gaze and their movements became more desperate until finally they came together, swallowing their cries in messy kisses.

\--x--

Over the days that followed they fell into a routine that felt both familiar and yet all brand new. They ran in the mornings - routes they knew like the back of their hands - before working together on their training in the ITSC returns pool.

Outside of training Haru slept a lot. Rin tried not to worry - for the most part content to study or read quietly at his side - but it appeared much like, his goal achieved, Haru’s body had finally succumbed to the stress of the preceding months and needed time to recover.

Rin couldn’t entirely push away the guilt that gnawed at him seeing just how deep Haru’s tiredness ran, but, thankfully, after a few days of lie ins and chances to doze curled with Rin on the sofa in the afternoons (coupled with Miyako’s one woman mission to feed them both to bursting) he seemed to regain colour and a healthier glow than he had in months. Instead of dwelling too much further on what had passed, Rin also tried to throw himself full force into the current more pressing matter of making sure Haru felt cared for without risking coddling him. So he tried to show his love in all the ways he could think of - in the full fridge of mackerel, in giving Haru time and space to paint and draw alone, in spending long mornings in the pool, floating together in an empty lane long after completing their official sets. In the liberal affectionate touches they traded and in making sure the first and last words Haru heard each day were _‘I love you_ ’.

When they weren’t training or resting, they spent long afternoons together walking the streets of their youth. It was as if, in being seperated, any and all final walls between them had crumbled. So as they walked they talked about it all - Haru’s fear of never having been enough for his parents, of always having been too strange, too unlovable. How it had made him want to turn away, to determine that he didn’t care what people thought of him. Of Rin’s worry that he would fail his father. That he wouldn't be able to adequately fulfil his role as man of the house and care for his mother and Gou. Of his (previously unspoken) fear that - like all Matsuoka men - he would die young and unknown, and of the work he was doing to try and master these fears and free himself from the anxieties that had followed him since he was a child answering a phone alone on a stormy night.

They were hard conversations - hard words to speak, sometimes harder to hear. But there was a peace to it too - like each fear they admitted was another they could face down together. Hand in hand they felt unbeatable.

One afternoon during one of these walks they stopped on the beach and huddled together on the sand, wrapped in eachothers arms to protect against the sharp winds.

For a long time they had just stared out at the waves in easy silence until Haru spoke, quiet but sure.

“Rin, I’m not sure Tokyo’s right for me.”

Rin immediately held him tighter against him.

“Haru?”

“I’m not saying it was a mistake.” Haru continued quickly. “I’m glad to be there. It’s been good for me, and I know it’s the best place for right now. For following my dream, our dream. But… It’s so big. And so loud. So many strangers. I miss the beach sometimes. I miss knowing everyone. I miss the quiet.”

Rin kissed his temple. “Where do you want to be? Do you want to come back here?”

Haru shifted a little in his arms. “It doesn’t have to be here. It doesn’t have to be Japan.”

“What?” Rin was nonplussed. Was the guy who hated travelling really suggesting moving abroad?

“You were happy in Australia better this time, right?” Haru asked cautiously.

Rin felt his heart pick up. “Haru do--do _you_ like Australia?”

Haru seemed to think for a moment. “I like Bondi beach. I like the water. And I like being able to kiss you in public. I like that we can be together there.”

Rin swallowed heavily. “Haru I don’t… I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you love me. Say we’ll be together. Say it doesn’t matter where.”

Rin cupped his jaw in his hand and kissed him, emotions raw.  “Haru I love you. I want to be with you. Anywhere. I’ll be with you anywhere.”

* * *

On Christmas eve Haru woke to find Rin’s bed empty of him. He stretched out, palm pressed into the place where Rin should be. The sheets were cool. He’d been left to sleep in again. Rin had seemingly perfected untangling them enough to slip away without waking him.

He tugged on a pair of Rin’s sweatpants over his boxers and padded along the corridor to find Rin working in a puff of flour, Gou heckling at him from a seat at the kitchen table.

“You’re making them too dry. You need to add more water.”

“I know what I’m doing Gou.”

“And if you’re not careful you’re going to burn the bacon.”

“The what?”

“The ba-”

“Ah shit!”

Rin slammed down the bowl he was currently holding and lunged for the oven. Pulling out a tray of smouldering rashers of bacon.

“Ah crap. Now I need to start again.”

“Thought you were supposed to be the cook in the family.”

“I am! You distracted me.”

Haru leaned against the doorway and took in the scene of simple domesticity before him with a smile before he took pity and stepped forward.

“What’s going on?”

Rin turned surprised, his hair was sticking up and stiff with flour and he had batter on his cheek.

“Haru! Sorry I was gonna wake you - I invited the guys over for breakfast. I’m making pancakes.”

“Destroying the kitchen more like.” Gou snorted.

Haru took in the general chaos around him. Just then the doorbell went.

“Gou can you at least pretend to help and go let them in.” Rin pointed with a spoon, dropping a glob of batter on the floor. “and Haru grab a coffee - there’s fresh in the pot. I’m almost done I swear.”

Haru chuckled and as soon as Gou was safely distracted by the door he reached out and pulled Rin in toward him. After a quick peck on the lips Haru turned his head to lick at the smear of pancake mix than had landed on Rin’s cheek.

“You’re delicious when you’re out of your depth you know.” He murmured against Rin’s ear.

Rin turned red and fumed, “Tsk I am not out of my depth!”

Haru simply turned away to grab a spare apron and bumped Rin out the way with his hip.

“Relax. I’m a professional remember. You start again on the bacon. I’ll finish up the pancakes.”

_“PANCAKES”_

Nagisa was suddenly upon them, delivering hugs and sticking his fingers in bowls. Rei followed carrying a bag of gifts with Makoto and Sousuke not far behind.

It was a crush in the small Matsuoka kitchen, but after a short period of chaos somehow Haru and Rin managed to finish preparing breakfast and soon they were all sat on a mix of chairs and work surfaces with full plates.

Since the dinner at Makoto’s they’d spent several afternoons with their friends, Haru and Rin never far from each others sides as they shared meals and stories and lovingly teased each other in the way only friends can. But there was something different about that morning, a bittersweet recognition that all too soon they would be heading in their seperate directions again and so they were all a little soft with sentiment, swapping presents and making plans for when they could visit each other in the new year.

After breakfast was done and cleared away they set out as a gang, Gou included, to Arasuna shrine. After offering their donations and prayers they, as always, selected an Omikuji and enjoyed teasing each other about who was set for greatness or some terrible misfortune, Rei giving his standard speech about it being a matter of probability rather than divine providence and nobody taking the matter all that seriously.

Nobody apart from Haru that is who stepped away to find out his fortune in private. As he unscrolled the little piece of paper his eyes widened.

“ _Great blessing’, ‘Endan’._

He paused and stared at it for a time. It was the exact same fortune he’d received on his birthday: engagement, marriage. At the time, lost in a fog of panic and despair he’s assumed it was the universe’s idea of a bad joke and thrown it away in disgust, but now, he looked over at where Rin had shut his eyes and was shaking the box so vigorously it was a wonder it didn't break (because he still believed that way he could trick it into giving him a ‘good one’) he realised it might not have been such a terrible fortune he received after all to mark his official entry into adulthood.

He tucked the fortune away safely in his pocket smiling and walked over to Rin.

“Did it work? Did you get the one you want?”

Rin looked strangely caught in thought. He looked up and smiled at Haru sheepishly, some flicker of emotion quickly pushed away.

“Ah it’s just silly isn’t it. Like Rei says just random chance. Doesn’t mean anything.”

But Haru noticed he carefully placed the fortune into his wallet.

\--x--

After taking the short walk from the shrine to the beach and messing around together for some time on the shore the cold started to seep in and it was finally time to start saying their goodbyes - Rei and Nagisa opting to depart to Nagisa’s for tea, Makoto needing to be home for christmas eve with the family and Sosuke offering to walk him there.

Haru and Rin likewise headed back to the Matsuoka home, walking and talking with Gou on the way. Haru was surprised though when, instead of heading into the house behind Gou, Rin tugged on Haru’s sleeve and directed them to the car.

“Mind if we head out for a little bit before calling it a day? There was something I wanted to show you - alone.”

Haru agreed quickly, intrigued. Christmas eve was traditionally a big deal for couples and, while he’d never entirely understood the fuss around the holiday, the idea of spending it alone with Rin was hugely appealing no matter the reason behind the outing.

Rin smiled one of those smiles that made Haru’s breath catch and quickly unlocked the car. Once both strapped in and settled he pulled away setting out toward the coast.

They drove in silence for the most part, soft music playing through the radio. It was starting to get dark and Haru watched the street lamps flicker to life as they passed through the town and started heading away and winding up along the coastal highway.

As the road started to climb Haru suddenly realised where they were headed with a slight fizz of his stomach. There was a look out in Shiroyama park that had been a notorious spot when he was in Iwatobi high for couples to head for a little privacy and to see how many bases they could round.

In the time before Rin’s return Haru had found the gossip that the spot generated nothing more than a mild annoyance. He couldn’t understand the constant cycle of falling in and out of relationships. Wasn’t even sure he knew what it was to long for that manner of privacy with another. He’d certainly never imagined he’d be the type of person to be excited to brought there one day.

And then Rin had come back and changed it all…

He looked over at Rin, in stunning profile as he kept his eyes on the road. Haru’s heart started to beat a little faster in anticipation, a small smile slipping out as he thought about how happy he was now to come to this place with Rin.

As they parked up at the viewpoint Rin killed the engine and his hands dropped from the steering wheel to twist in his lap. His head was bowed and he seemed suddenly unsure.

“I’m sorry I didn’t plan anything better.” He started, immediately lapsing to anxious waffling. “I wasn’t exactly sure how things would be ... I mean I hoped. I wanted and I’m so happy but next year I swear...”  
  
Haru rolled his eyes a little and reached out to slide his hand around Rin’s nape and pull him in close.  
  
“Rin.”  
  
Rin stopped with a huff.  
  
“I just want to be with you tonight.”  
  
Haru didn’t need any more encouragement. He unclipped his belt and reached across the divide to kiss Rin, fierce with desire.  
  
Rin started a little, and suddenly scrambled back, pushing against Haru’s shoulders to hold him away.    
  
“Wait! Haru I didn’t mean like that... at least not just like that.”  
  
Haru looked sceptical, brow arched. But when he noticed how genuinely surprised and flustered Rin looked his eyes widened.  
  
“Rin... you do know this is the town make out spot... right?”  
  
Rin’s face fell slack with shock. “What? It’s a ... _wait_ how do YOU know it’s a make out spot?”  
  
“I don’t live under a rock Rin. I did _go_ to high school. How did you NOT know?”  
  
Haru couldn't see him properly in the dark of the car, but if Haru had to guess he imagined Rin’s cheeks were glowing.

“I’ve been away!” he protested a little too loudly. “And I went to an all boys boarding school. We didn’t really have make out spots.”  
  
Haru smiled. “Now I _know_ that’s not true. What about the locker rooms, your dorm. That one time you snuck me into the library and we...”  
  
“Ok ok!” Rin held up his hands, cutting Haru off before he could reminisce about _that_ particular incident. “I get your point. But that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind bringing you here.”  
  
“It wasn’t?” Haru sounded vaguely disappointed.  
  
“Just ... I wanted to show you the view.” Rin mumbled. “I thought it might be romantic.”

Haru stopped and turned and for the first time actually took in the vista before them. Having travelled along the bay and climbed up high, they were looking down on all of Iwatobi, the lights laid out and glittering below them.

“Oh.” The sound came soft from Haru’s lips.

Rin unhooked his belt and opened the door. “Wanna check it out with me?”

Haru nodded, quickly joining him outside.

Together they rested against the hood of Rin’s car and gazed out at the scene before them. The town that united them, that they grew in - sometimes together, sometimes apart. They reached at the same time for the others hand, lacing their fingers and holding tight.

“Did you ever think we’d make it this far Haru?” Rin spoke quietly.

“You mean trials in the spring?” Haru asked.

Rin huffed lightly. “Yeah that too I guess. But I mean us. There was a time I … well a long time really that I never imagined we’d get here. That we’d have this.”

Haru cast his mind back. He thought of those long hard years without Rin. When the guilt had seemed to sully any water he swam in. When he hadn’t quite been able to recognise the longing he felt for what it was. He remembered how he’d felt at Rin’s return. The way his heart had stopped at the face that had emerged from the shadows. And when he answered, he spoke what he knew to be true.

“I was waiting for you Rin. Always. Even when I didn’t know it. I think we’d always have made it here.”

He heard as much as felt Rin’s reaction beside him. He turned from the view and wrapped his free arm around Rin’s shoulders, pulling him in for a kiss.

As they parted Haru whispered against his lips.

“Are we done with the view now?”

Rin nodded wordlessly and tugged Haru back into the car.

* * *

Rin wasn’t used to really celebrating the Christmas holiday much in Japan. Russell and Lori had always made a much bigger deal of the holiday in Sydney, and Rin having been away from home so much over the years he his mom and Gou had never really developed their own family rituals to carry through the years  - they strung a few lights up sure, and usually exchanged small gifts, but that was generally about it.

So he was surprised on Christmas morning to walk into the kitchen to find Haru already up and busy helping his mom with cooking some extravagant multi-course lunch, Christmas songs on the radio and the room decked out in paper chains and more lights than he knew they owned.

“What’s going on here?” he asked, trying and failing to distract from his attempt to steal a taste from the tray of delicious looking steamed buns.

He was quickly chased off by both Haru and Miyako brandishing spoons.

(“Nothing for you to worry about yet.” Miyako cautioned. Whereas Haru just gave him a flat look and said “No! Out!”)

Rin dodged away laughing, feeling drunk on the happiness of it; Of seeing Haru so naturally absorbed into his family. In fact, he was in such a good mood he even let Gou beat him at cards a few times as they waited for the prep to be finished.

The day passed in cosy contented bliss. Before lunch Haru and Rin set out on a blustery run, returning to a warm house filled with delicious smells. Though it was only the four of them, the meal was a happy affair, and once the dishes were all cleared they wrapped up in their warmest clothes and walked together to Toraichi’s memorial.  
  
At first Haru hung back, wanting to give the family their privacy, but Rin tugged him forward until the four of them stood together hand in hand, Gou placing a small winter bouquet at the base of the stone. Haru held Rin’s hand as tight as he could, both in support of him, but also for himself, feeling in need of somehow staying tethered lest he be overwhelmed by the emotion he felt and being included in this most intimate family moment.  
  
Afterwards, they walked the same path home together and squashed into the small lounge clasping hot drinks to watch a cheesy family movie.

When the time came to exchange gifts, Rin was somewhat surprised to find Haru had prepared his own small pile of parcels - one each for Rin, Gou and Miyako. Haru had brought so little home with him and had been so busy back in Tokyo that it hadn’t even occurred to Rin that he might have had the time - or money - to get them presents.

For Gou’s gift, Haru presented her with a set of notebooks for her school work that, while standard writing paper, he had customised with beautiful hand painted designs on each cover.

Then he had turned and shyly presented a parcel to Miyako.

He bowed low as he passed over the gift, saying “Thank you for welcoming me into you home.”

Miyako lifted away the paper carefully, letting out a soft sound of surprise and she uncovered the gift within.  

“Oh. _Oh Haruka_.”

It was a hand inked black and white Matsuoka family portrait, with Toraichi in the middle as he appeared in the photograph kept up in the family shrine, and Rin, Gou and Miyako as they appeared now.

Haru had spent hours and hours on it, starting and discarding multiple attempts before he had been happy. His university professors had urged him to include a copy of it in his portfolio, but he’d declined. This work was private, a gift.

As Miyako and Gou huddled close over the painting, Haru glanced sideways at Rin and saw his face was tight. He momentarily regretted such a personal gift - perhaps it was presumptuous? And he knew Rin hated to cry in front of his mother.  
  
He reached out to still Rin’s hand where it was worrying at the corner of his own gift.  
  
“Later?”

Rin looked down at his parcel suddenly as if it might contain something explosive. He nodded and placed it carefully to the side.

“Haruka it’s beautiful. I want to put it up right now. Thank you. It’s… you’re very talented.” Miyako smiled eyes shining, Gou huddled in to her side.

They talked for a time of Toraichi after that, Miyako telling stories that seemed well worn and familiar to Rin and Gou but were all new to Haru.

Haru kept his arm tight around Rin the whole time, until naturally the conversation started to move to other things - Gou’s new dorm mates, her plans for classes in the new year, Rin and Haru’s own study plans and of course talk of the rapidly approaching spring trials for the Olympic national team. Haru marvelled at how natural and easy it felt to be included in it all - not only the sad moments, but the happy and the hopeful too.

Haru had spent many a wonderful Christmas at the Tachibana’s - Makoto’s parents and his brother and sister including him as if he were one of their own - but there was something different about this feeling, Haru mused. The protective glow he felt when he looked around at the three red heads. The desire to take care of them, to make sure they got all the happiness they deserved. And when his gaze caught on Rin’s he saw a love there that hit him square in the chest each and every time, an answering love beating steady and strong in his own heart.  
  
_This is truly where I belong._ He thought.

* * *

When later finally came, and Haru and Rin were alone in Rin’s bedroom sat on the floor leaning against Rin’s bed, Rin finally reached for his parcel again.

“Can I?”

Haru nodded and huddled in extra close as Rin slowly peeled away the paper.  

It was a portrait of Rin and Toraichi, but while the one he had gifted Miyako had been in a traditional style this was more expressive, glazed over with bright reds and blues so that father and son were featured in a swirl of colour.

“I used the paints you got me for my birthday.” Haru explained, a little nervous in the silence. “The watercolours. I’ve been practicing with them.”

Rin had lowered his head, expression hidden by the curtain of his hair. Haru slid his hands into the locks.

“I’m sorry Rin. I didn’t want to make you sad. I just .... you said you worry sometimes you’re forgetting. I don’t think you ever could, not really, but I wanted you to have something to help remind you.”

“Haru I-I don’t know what to say.” Rin finally sniffed, voice thick with emotion. Haru pressed a kiss to his temple and held him tighter.

Rin leaned into the touch and for a while they just stayed there, Haru holding Rin up, until Rin snorted a small laugh through his tears.

“You just wanted to win best gift didn’t you? So competitive Haru.” He rubbed his eyes and turned away to retrieve a small box. “Well congratulations, mine looks shit now.”  
  
Haru’s eyes widened as Rin pressed the box into his hands.  
  
“It’s not a ring!” Rin rushed to clarify, suddenly magenta. “I meant when I said we don’t... we don’t have to do that. But well, I hoped you might consider wearing this instead. Like a promise. But just between us?”  
  
Haru snapped open the box, inside was a simple woven leather bracelet made up of red and blue plaits and a looping metal clasp. He looked up and found Rin slightly sheepishly holding up a matching one.  
  
“You have to tell me if you hate it or think is lame.”  
  
“It’s not lame. I don’t hate it.” Haru’s voice cracked and slipped a little. He thrust his left arm out.  
  
“Put it on.” He demanded.  
  
Rin’s fingers shook a little as he fumbled to open the clasp. Haru captured Rin’s hands with his own and leaned down to press a kiss to his knuckles.  
  
“I love you Rin.”  
  
Rin looked up and smiled. His hands were steadier the second time as he moved to loop the leather around Haru’s wrist and, once fastened, pressed a kiss to Haru’s pulse point.  
  
“I love you Haru, forever.”  
  
Haru picked up the second bracelet and looped it round Rin’s left wrist.  
  
“Forever Rin.”

They kissed, deep and slow only parting when Rin pushed back against Haru’s chest lightly.

“There’s something else.” His eyes lowered a little. “It’s not a gift exactly, I didn’t even wrap it, but I wanted you to have it, I mean… I know it won’t be the same. At all. And I know there’s always Makoto’s but-”

Haru cut him off.

“Rin, you’re waffling. Gimme.”

Rin smiled and handed over a simple dolphin keychain with a single key at the end.  

Haru took it, momentarily confused.

“It’s for here. I know you’d usually stay with Makoto for holidays and stuff and I know how close you are to his family but… well I wanted you to know you always have a home in Iwatobi here too. That you’ll always have a place with us.”

Haru looked from the key to Rin.

“Your mom. And Gou. They really don’t mind?”

Rin grinned. “Do you really need to ask that?”

Haru grinned back and threw himself into Rin’s arms so enthusiastically the two toppled to the floor.

“I love them Rin. Both my gifts. I love them and I love you.”

Rin buried his face into Haru’s hair feeling his chest tighten with pure love.  
  
“Happy Christmas Haru.”

Haru kissed him, soft and sweet. Rin ran his hand slowly from Haru’s shoulder down over his back, a long sweeping caress, and he felt Haru push his tongue against his lips. Rin opened up readily and the kiss quickly grew hungry, passionate.

When Haru finally spoke his voice was a little husky.  
  
“Rin, there something else I want for Christmas.”  
  
“Huh?” Rin leaned away looking genuinely unsure. Haru smiled wickedly and pressed his mouth to Rin’s ear.  
  
“I want to see you _only_ wearing that bracelet.”  
  
Rin’s groan wavered between embarrassment and arousal. “How can you just say it like that.”  
  
“Would you prefer it if I asked you to _make love to me_ ?”  
  
“I would prefer it if you shut up and kiss me.” Rin growled.

Haru was all too happy to comply.

* * *

Too soon, far far too soon, Haru’s time off was over and Rin found himself dropping him off at the train station to start his epic train-coach-train journey back to Tokyo.

As they walked hand in hand to the platform Rin was downcast. All his efforts to persuade Haru to stay had failed - Haru had already promised Mr Nakata he’d help over new year he’d said - and any suggestion of Rin changing his tickets to come home sooner were equally rebuffed.

(“No stay. Be with your mom, with Gou. You hardly get to see them and it’s only going to get worse with trials. The games. I’ll be working all the time anyway. We’ll do our own new year celebration when you get back”)

As they stood together waiting for the train to pull in Haru reached forward and tucked a loose strand of Rin’s hair behind his ear.

“Rin. Please don’t look like that. It’s just a few days.”

Rin looked up trying to steady his resolve.

“I know. I know. It’s just… I feel like I only just got you back.”

Haru pressed forward for a hug. “You have me Rin. Forever remember.”

He raised his arm to display the bracelet on his wrist. Rin’s smile was shaky, but he at least seemed to brighten a little.

As they stood, arms loosely around one another Rin couldn’t help but drop his gaze to Haru’s mouth. A mouth he wouldn’t get to kiss until it was a whole other year.

He looked around at the platform.

It wasn’t exactly busy, but there were enough people around that he would usually be deterred from trying anything. When his eyes caught on Haru’s again he was surprised to find them dark, wanting.

“Rin... I don’t mind if you don’t?” Haru asked, tone hopefully.

Rin chewed his lip a little. Did he mind? He found the answer to be that he did not. Not in the slightest. In fact the only thing he minded was all the times he had _not kissed_ Haru fearing he would bring the judgement of strangers down upon them.

He flashed Haru his best attempt at a devilish smile.

“Come here.”

Rin tugged Haru forward and Haru barely had time to gasp a breath before they were kissing, Rin’s hands in his hair, bodies pressed close. This wasn’t a polite press of lips to say goodbye. This was a kiss designed to sustain them all the days they had to be apart.

When the train arrived, they were forced reluctantly to part. Haru’s lips were a little swollen, cheeks flushed and eyes bright. Rin tried to burn the image into his memory.

“I’ll see you in a few days Haru. Call me as soon as you arrive. I love you.”

Haru moved away, their hands staying clasped for as long as they could before he stepped onto the train. Just as the doors were about to close Haru turned and spread his arms wide, then called out loud enough for anyone to hear.

_“I love you Rin Matsuoka.”_

\--x--

New year’s eve arrived for Haru in a blur of double shifts at the restaurant, sneaking training sessions in at the pool when he could and collapsing into bed for (mostly) dreamless sleep.

It was strange at first being back in Tokyo without Rin. After the intensity and emotion of the time they had shared in Iwatobi returning to his small shared accomodation felt like stepping back into a life that didn’t quite fit anymore - that belonged to a different Haru altogether. A few times he woke with a start in that small cramped bed and had to remind himself that it really was all ok, that he and Rin were together. But when those occasions happened, Rin was always there on the end of the phone, and more often than not Haru would wake to a message from Rin reaffirming how much he loved him.

It didn’t mean he missed him any less, and on New year’s eve as the restaurant filled with happy couples Haru found himself feeling particularly wistful to see in the New Year with his boyfriend at his side.

He knew the gang back in Iwatobi had plans for a bonfire and fireworks. He knew Rin would try and pretend at first he was too old and cool for it now, but would probably wind up getting teary eyed at the fireworks anyway. He smiled at the thought. Maybe it wasn't too late to ask Makoto to catch it on camera.

“Yo Nanase. Drop that sponge - countdowns about to happen.”

He was pulled from his daydreaming by Chef Tabata gesturing for him to join the others on the restaurant floor. Haru wiped off his hands and stepped out of the kitchen into the happy bustle. It was almost more of a party by this point - the food service having long ended, and he looked around the room spotting his new friends.

Yumi, who had also had to work, had been joined by her husband who was a surprisingly quiet and bookish young man who was happily holding two flutes of champagne while Yumi downed a third, already looking to be in high spirits.

Mr Nakata had been joined by his wife and also his brother (who was just as rotund and bushy of beard) and was looking rosy cheeked and content with the business he had built.

Even chef Yoshiya had downed tools and was clasping a champagne flute while the younger waitress Mai seemed to be trying unsuccessfully to get him to laugh at her jokes.

Someone pressed a glass of bubbles into Haru’s hands and he leaned against the wall, happy just to witness rather than get too involved and feeling the bittersweetness of the moment. He was grateful to be able to share this with his new friends - the family really he had found thanks to Mr. Nakata’s willingness to take a chance on him. But the sense of something - someone - missing was impossible to ignore.

A shout went up that the time had come:

_“Ten, nine”_

The mass of people started to chant in unison. Haru closed his eyes and pictured Rin. _I hope you’re having a good time._

_“Seven, six.”_

He heard the chime of the door go, and wondered absently why anyone would be arriving this late.

_“Five, four”_

Hands gripped his shoulders. His eyes flew open.

_“Rin!”_

Rin was in front of him. Cheeks flushed with exertion. A light sweat on his brow.

_“Three. Two”_

“But how. You’re supposed to be at home”

_“One.”_

Rin didn’t answer, only pulled him forward, lips meeting in a kiss so sweet that Haru felt himself swoon against him.

“I am home, silly.” Rin mumbled against his mouth before capturing it again. Haru wound his arms around him, fingers tangling into red locks.

“Happy new year Rin.”

“Happy new year Haru.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it messed up I found it much easier to write all the angst than I did to write this? I need to learn how to write some fluff/ happy content!
> 
> *obligatory matching bracelet scene. I have no original ideas, sorry. I pictured them to be very vaguely based on the Mook bracelets :) 
> 
> **Side note: Can I just say 300+ kudos on this fic is cray to me. I realise in some fandoms/ for some writers that’s maybe not a big deal but I am beyond touched and it really does encourage me to want to keep writing and trying to improve. I don’t know how to say this properly to get it across right, but I really am so delighted that anyone is taking the time to read what I have written let alone actually letting me know they enjoy it (getting your comments really does make my day). So thank you, a lot. 
> 
> **Next chapter**  
>  Back in Tokyo, Haru and Rin adjust to the realities of being together again. Rin tries to use his charms to get what he wants (namly, Haru to move in with him).


	22. TWENTY-TWO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:** Mild references to NSFW/ M stuff

Haru woke slowly in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. Blearily he hunted for his phone and checked the time - it was gone midday. He stretched, the sheets cool, and searched his memory for the source of the deep contentment he felt. Then he smiled.

_Of course._

Rin.

-x-  
  
Haru had been fully prepared to finish his shift and help the restaurant close down, but following Rin’s surprise arrival Mr Nakata had taken one look at the rather entwined pair and waved them off, cheerfully pressing a bottle of champagne into Rin’s hands.

They had stumbled through the streets kissing, ignored by and ignoring the revelry around them, and just managed to squeeze onto a late night metro service, pressing close and trading heated looks. That had only taken them so far though and so hand in hand they had walked the streets of Tokyo, feeling strangely giddy and free and as if the city belonged to them alone. Though neither of them really drank, they had popped the champagne and taken turns sipping from the bottle as they walked, kisses tasting of bubbles.  
  
Haru had let Rin take the lead and hadn’t thought to notice or care where Rin was leading them. As long there was a bed and privacy (and even the bed could have been worked around in his opinion)

He just about registered them arriving at a nondescript building, a dark hall, and then there was a room and Rin was on him. They pressed against the wall, breath laboured and shared.

Haru had pulled the straps of Rin’s bag away, rucksack falling to the floor, and sighed out almost unintelligibly: “You’re here. You came. You’re really here. Rin!”

Rin in reply had dropped to his knees, pressing his face to Haru’s stomach before staring up at him, hair mussed, eyes dark and serious.

“Of course I came Haru. It was too much. This summer... too much time apart. No more. I wanted to start the year with you. I don’t want us to be apart anymore.”

Haru had slid down then too, crawling into Rin’s lap and cradling his face in his palms so he could kiss him with all he had.

The rest of the night, until the early hours, passed in a blur of tangled limbs. Of Rin’s skin, prettily flushed and hot under Haru’s mouth, his hands. Of Haru’s sweetly stifled cries.

Of shared looks filled with emotions so vast they didn’t need any more words. Feelings they could only come close to an approximation of when expressed through their bodies joined and moving together.

-x-

Smiling at the memory Haru slipped out of bed and, unable to locate his clothes, simply halfheartedly wrapped a blanket around himself and headed out to investigate his surroundings.  

He heard Rin before he saw him, muttering softly to himself.

_“Coffee press, coffee press? Where are you? I could have sworn…. But maybe over here…and mugs! What did I…”_

Haru didn’t announce himself right away, but leant in the doorway and watched as Rin dug around the piles of cardboard boxes that Haru vaguely remembered them stumbling around the night before. He was wearing one of his favorite hoodies, mostly unzipped, and old pair of grey sweatpants that had slipped a little to show off a rather tempting strip of skin.  

_“Oh! Got you!”_

Rin straightened triumphantly brandishing a french press, which he promptly dropped with a clatter when he heard Haru’s wolf whistle, finally noticing him stood unabashedly half-naked in the doorway.

“Haru! You… you’re….”

Rin’s face heated and he couldn’t help the way his eyes flicked up and down over Haru’s lean body.

Haru quirked a brow. “Nothing you haven’t seen before. Besides, you’re one to talk.”

Haru’s gaze dropped pointedly and appreciatively to the rather generous view of Rin’s pecs his unzipped hoodie afforded. Rin just flushed harder, though Haru could swear he noticed him flex.

Satisfied his point was made, Haru nodded to the mostly empty room. “Where are we?”

“New flat.” Rin spoke, voice a little hoarse.

“Rin, you’re staring.”

“Then put some pants on!”

Haru shrugged and stepped forward, letting the blanket drop to the floor. “Maybe I like it.”

He pressed himself up against Rin and kissed him.

Rin pulled back a little breathless and flustered. When he spoke his voice was low and broken with desire. “Fuck. Haru you’re gorgeous. I… I really fancy you, you know that?”

Haru gave a soft little laugh and pressed a kiss to Rin’s jaw. “I’m starting to get an idea.” he trailed a hand lazily over Rin’s chest, slipping to play with the zip of his hoodie, undoing it in slow degrees.

He fixed him with a direct look, cheeks colouring just a little. “You’re… you’re really attractive too Rin. I really fancy you. I’m not sure I ever said that to you?”

While it seemed almost absurd considering all the other confessions they had traded, it was true Haru usually relied on actions rather than words to show his feelings.

Rin beamed and couldn’t help but puff his chest out a little. “Haru!”

“I liked saying it.” Haru smiled a little shyly. “I want to be with you. And I like that there’s nothing stopping us.”

“Fuck Haru!!” Rin was getting misty eyed. “I fancy you _so much_.”  

“You already said that Rin.” Haru laughed.

“Well it’s true! Now put some clothes on or I won’t be able to concentrate, I want to give you the full tour!”

* * *

The ‘full tour’ didn’t actually consist of much that Haru hadn’t seen between the bedroom and the main living space since the apartment was typical of Tokyo and rather compact, but Rin still took his time over it, pointing out all the small details he could think of.

He lingered particularly over the bathroom, showing Haru how the bath worked as if he’d never seen one before, proudly showing off the new taps and exclaiming over how quickly the water heated and how it should fit them both comfortably.

Haru felt his stomach flutter a little with nerves. And a little heaviness press against him that he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

His unease only increased when Rin started giving a detailed breakdown of the kitchenette, right down to allocations of cupboard space...

“This could be where the tins and stuff go.” He pointed, smiling widely. “I thought this shelf could be for mackerel cans so there’s always some in.”

He turned, hands on hips, expression eager and tone hopeful. Tour seemingly concluded. 

“So what do you think?”

Haru took his time. He looked about the beautiful new home and answered as carefully as he could.

“I think it’s a good apartment Rin. It’s perfect...for you.”  
  
It didn’t matter, Rin’s face dropped immediately, crestfallen.  
  
“You don’t like it.”  
  
“No! Rin that’s not true. I love it.”  
  
“But you don’t want to live here.”  
  
Haru chewed his lip. “That’s not exactly....”  
  
“What? Whatever’s wrong I can fix it.” Rin insisted, whole body tensing with determination.  
  
Haru reached for him, guilt chewing at him. Searching desperately for the right words and cursing that they still evaded him after all this time.  
  
“Rin no, wait. It’s not like that, not at all I-“  
  
“You don’t want to live with me anymore.” Rin supplied miserably.  
  
“No!” Haru gripped him hard enough to hurt, voice coming out harsher than intended. “Rin wait! Don’t rush ahead like that. Give me a second. You just surprised me.”

Rin took a breath and tried to calm himself down. “Ok, ok, I’m - sorry. I didn’t mean to spring it on you. I thought since we talked about it before Christmas that-”

“When did we talk about it?” Haru interrupted frowning.

“That day in the park?”

Haru’s frown only deepened. “You told me you were moving. I don’t remember us discussing more than that.”

Rin sighed. “I’ve done it again haven’t I? I really didn’t mean to this time Haru… I thought… I-” He ran a hand over his face. “I guess It doesn’t matter. What matters is now - Haru, would you move in with me?”

Haru stayed silent and choking on his words again. It was wonderful. Too wonderful really to be presented with that question. That future. But something held him back.

“Rin… I can’t. Not right away.”

“You think it’s too soon after everything?”

“No!” Haru’s gaze dropped to the floor. He struggled to explain. “I mean, I guess it _is_ quick but… no. It’s not that it’s just... When term starts again I won’t be able to work much because I need to - _we’ll need to_ \- focus on the national trials. I already talked to Nakata - he understands. But… without that money I don’t think I can afford to pay for a place like this right now. I...I need to stay where I am a little longer. Save a little more.”

Rin’s face slacked a little in surprise. “But... Haru I don’t care about money! I’m already paying for it so you don’t have to pay at all for all I care I don’t-”  
  
“But I do Rin!” Haru insisted, meeting Rin’s gaze again, eyes fierce and determined. “It wouldn’t be right. It’s not what I want. I want to live with you. _Of course_ I do. I’ve wanted to for such a long time. Thought about it. But not like this. Not when I can’t do my share. I want us to be equal...”

Hurt flashed across Rin’s features, he seemed to almost sink into himself a little. “Haru I don’t… I don’t understand. We are equal. Why would living here with me change that?”

Haru moved to cup his face, pressing close and wishing he could somehow pull them back a few steps to when they had been happily flirting in the kitchen. _I don’t mean to hurt you Rin._

“Rin, I need you to listen carefully to me. I love you. I’m wildly in love with you. This doesn’t change that. At all. I just… I need a little time, ok? I want to live with you. I do. Just…give me a little time?”  
  
Haru watched Rin struggle with that, battle against it, and then finally swallow it.  
  
“Ok.” He said, shoulders slumped.  
  
A heavy silence fell between them, and then Rin finally looked up, expression half obscured by his bangs.  
  
“Would you still stay with me though. I mean tonight?”  
  
Haru wrapped his arms around him, pulling Rin in close. “Rin I’ll stay whenever you want.”  
  
_I want you to want to stay. Forever._ Rin thought, but told himself to be patient.

* * *

They tried to forget the heaviness of the conversation. To make the most of the rest of the day since Haru didn’t have to work and most of their friends weren’t back in Tokyo yet, leaving them free to be alone together.

They went for a bright and blustery run along the Tama river, before briefly stopping briefly at the Tamagawa shrine and wandering with the crowds among the stalls set up along the approach.

Haru bought them each yakitori, mackerel for himself and steak for Rin. A peace offering of sorts. Rin had grinned, demolishing his in two bites before delivering his much loved treaty on the value of meat versus fish for muscle growth. Haru ate his quietly, unspeakably content to just listen to Rin and be by his side.

On the leisurely jog back he couldn’t help but look around though and think about what it might be like to really live in the area. To call this his neighbourhood. _Perhaps he and Rin would run this way every day?_

By the time they arrived back at the apartment - Rin’s appartment - they’d covered almost 20k on the round trip and were both feeling chilled with a satisfying tiredness to their muscles.

Haru ran a bath while Rin looked for somewhere open to get delivery, and they curled in the warm water together while they waited for the food to arrive.

 _Rin was right._ Haru noted. _The bath could fit them both with relative ease…_

That night Haru lay curled on his side in Rin’s bed with Rin silent beside him. He could tell Rin wasn’t sleeping though, as still as he was trying to be, and the awareness kept him awake.

He tried to do the maths again in his head and for the first time since being cut off considered selling the watch his father had given him for his birthday. _But wouldn’t that be giving in?_

The next day he left Rin with a lingering kiss and headed to work, forcing himself to return to his accomodation once his shift was done.

He lay awake again that night - this time listening to Tengo’s snoring and battling with himself if his pride, his stubbornness, was really worth staying in a room he hated when the man he loved was across town and sleeping alone. 

 

* * *

In the days that followed, despite hitting a wall with their living situation, Rin and Haru were quickly inseparable. As soon as team training restarted Rin took to walking Haru to work after their sessions, then holing up in a cafe round the corner to study until he could meet Haru again for 20 minutes of feverish kissing during his break. It was hardly the most romantic of settings, pressing against the wall at the back of the restaurant between bins and stacks of empty crates, but Haru didn’t seem to mind at all and it always left Rin blushing to himself happily the whole journey home.

And despite Haru’s reluctance to further discuss moving in, he found himself at Rin’s door more frequently than his own. Often without even thinking.

One night, after a long and busy shift in which he’d messed up more orders than he had in a long time it was almost as if his feet led him to Rin’s without his brain having much say in the matter.

It was only when he had already knocked that he realised he’d never actually let Rin know he was coming.

It didn’t matter. Rin opened up, already dressed for bed and adorably mussed, and took one look at Haru before wordlessly folding him into his arms.

“It’s late.” Haru whispered apologetically into Rin’s chest.  

Rin cut him off with a brief kiss and pulled him inside. He ran them a bath and got in first, letting Haru settle between his legs, back pressed flush to Rin’s chest. Rin washed Haru’s chest slowly before running his hands methodically over his tense and tired muscles. There wasn’t any heat in the action, not really, just a deep affection and care that needed no reply. Haru’s eyes slipped closed and he sighed contentedly as Rin nuzzled into his neck, pressing light kisses to all the skin he could reach.

By the time they were done, Haru felt so relaxed and boneless he didn’t even think as he curled under the covers with Rin and fell asleep in his arms, it feeling like the most natural thing in the world to be where Rin was.

* * *

If Haru had settled quickly into Rin’s new apartment (despite not _technically_ living there) the same could not quite be said of Rin.

Almost as soon as Sousuke arrived back in Tokyo from Iwatobi he arranged to visit and spend the afternoon catching up. He was surprised by what he found.

Rin had greeted him with a whoop and a huge hug, talking nineteen to the dozen and grabbing Sousuke’s coat and bags from him.

Sousuke could only grin in return and let the Rin-nado wash over him.

“So you’re still in a disgustingly good mood I see.” He said affectionately ruffling Rin’s hair when he was able to get a word in edgeways. “Any idea when this is gonna wear off?” But he was still grinning as he said it.  
  
Rin positively beamed back at him as he ushered Sousuke in to the main living space. “Never. I feel like I’m walking on air.”

Sousuke started to make sick noises but clammed up mid gag as he took in the scene before him. The flat looked mostly unchanged from when he’d first visited to help Rin with the contract, the only major change being several stacks of seemingly untouched boxes.

“So... I like what you’ve done with the place?”

Rin smiled back at him sheepishly. “Uh… yeah. Sorry. Come here I’ll make space.”

Sousuke picked his way over to where Rin was gesturing and quickly shoving boxes aside.  

“I can help you unpack if you like? It’s not like you to leave it this long.”

“No! No its ok! I’m… I just want to wait a little bit.” Rin waved Sousuke off not meeting his gaze.

Sousuke sighed. He knew that look. “Rin… what’s going on. Are you having second thoughts? I thought you were excited to have a place of your own.”

“No...no. I just… well…” Rin’s sentence trailed off into something unintelligible.

“Rin. Use your words.”

“I don’t want to unpack yet. I want to do it with Haru.”

“Huh? I’m sure he would help if you asked” Sousuke frowned, confused.

Rin looked anywhere but at Sousuke and gritted out. “ _I mean_ I don’t want it to be a place of my own. I want it to be _our_ place. Mine and Haru’s.”  

Sousuke flopped down on a spare patch of floor and fixed Rin with a pointed look.

“Ah. Now I see. He turned you down I take it? I mean I can’t think why he’s not jumping to live here. Who doesn’t love bare walls and cardboard.”  
  
“Hey!”  
  
“Rin....”  
  
“I know. I know!” Rin flopped down next to him. “It’s just ...this isn’t quite what I pictured, ok? I know I get caught up but I really thought after everything he’d wanna move in right away. But he’s worried about money. Still needing to be at work half the time. I wish there was more I could do but he’s determined to...”  
  
“Nanase being stubborn? I am shocked. To my core.” Sousuke monotoned. “Do you know your boyfriend at all?”  
  
“Ha ha.” Rin scowled back. “I just. I want him here. With me. I thought …”

“What? That just because you kissed and made up you two would never have another problem or disagreement again? You know you’re you and he’s him, right?”

Rin rolled his eyes. “I mean not exactly but…”

“Look Rin, I’d be surprised if Haru doesn’t change his mind soon. But since when have you ever been able to rush him into something he didn’t already want? So how long are you willing to live out of boxes waiting? Just... why don’t you enjoy having the place to yourself for a bit instead? I’m sure he’ll be here driving you crazy with his long baths and constant mackerel grilling soon enough.”  
  
Rin brightened a little.  
  
“Yeah. I guess you're right. I should enjoy my freedom while I can! And I bet if I show him how great living here is he’ll be quicker to accept!”

“Rin that isn’t quite what I…”

Rin leapt to his feet.

“Sou! You’re a genius I knew we were friends for a reason! Now less chatting, more unpacking! We’re gonna make this place amazing!”

* * *

The next time Haru stayed over, Rin decided to try playing it cool.

Alright so he _just happened_ to have left exactly half the cupboard and wardrobe space empty, _just happened_ to have identified the perfect space for Haru to store his art supplies and _just happened_ to have journeyed home via Tsukiji to collect some of the freshest mackerel possible. But he wasn’t trying to convince Haru of anything. No.

Haru however noticed as soon as he walked in the door. He looked around at the suddenly impeccably arranged and spotless main living room and turned to Rin a little surprised (he’d become strangely used to the boxes…)

“Rin the place looks different. Good.”

“Oh? Does it? I just unpacked a little.” Rin’s shrug was a little too self conscious though, his eyes bright and watching Haru’s reaction carefully.

Haru turned away to take off his coat and bag and smiled to himself affectionately. Rin was horrible at acting, and even worse at hiding when he was proud of something.

“Anyway I hope you’re hungry. I picked up some of the biggest mackerel you’ve ever seen. They almost look like actual food. I thought we could do that miso rub you like so much since I happen to have the ingredients in already.” Rin tried to sound casual but was looking far too pleased with himself.

Something was fishy. Rin hardly ever voluntarily cooked mackerel, let alone ate it willingly alongside Haru.

“Go on. What do you want Rin.” Haru deadpanned.

Rin looked caught but tried to push the expression down.

“Want? Nothing. Haru why do I have to want something to treat my boyfriend.”

Haru sighed not totally convinced, but stepped forward to wrap his arms around Rin anyway. He nuzzled into Rin’s hair before turning to press a firm kiss against his lips. Rin smiled, pleased and kissed back.

“What’s this for?”

“For the mackerel. Since you won’t tell me what you’re actually after.”

Rin huffed in protest but was quickly silenced by more kisses. As things slowly started to become more heated he shifted slightly and whispered:

“You know, I was thinking… afterwards maybe we could… you know… do it. In the bath.”

Haru pulled away and all out glared. “ _Now I know_ there’s something up. Why am I getting all my favorite things. Spill it.”

Haru thought he could pretty well guess, but Rin only protested and wriggled his way out of Haru’s arms to start cooking, complaining theatrically about being punished for his kindness.

Haru let him go. He looked around the small flat, at Rin putting on an apron still half muttering to himself - ears pink - and felt a strange wave of longing.

Shaking it off he joined Rin in setting up things for dinner.

-x-

Over their simple but delicious (to Haru anyway) meal of miso mackerel, vegetables and rice Rin was chattering away happily about some light show that was planned in yoyogi park that weekend, and wondering if Haru might be able to finish work on Saturday a touch early to go and see it.

Haru chewed thoughtfully then placed his chopsticks down.

“Rin I have some news actually. I’m not going to be working Saturday’s anymore. I thought, since they’re our one day off, we might… start spending them together? again?”

Rin totally forgot his vow to be calm and relaxed. He lept on Haru almost toppling them both to the floor, laughing.

“Haru! That’s amazing! Oh I have so much planned for us! So many places to take you!”

Haru held him back, knowing full well the chances were they’d settle back into the habit of do nothing much on their Saturdays other than be together. Like they always had. But feeling down to his core that that was all he could possibly want or need anyway.

All evening Haru waited for Rin to ask again, but Rin didn’t.

* * *

The next day they were studying together when Rin’s laptop started to make a noise. Rin had just popped into his bedroom to retrieve some book or other and so Haru leaned forward, squinting a little at the screen to make out the unfamiliar characters.

 _[Elijah is calling]_  
  
He gave a small frown.  
  
“Rin, you’re being called.”  
  
Rin popped his head out the bedroom.  
  
“Huh? Who.”  
  
“Elijah.” Haru replied neutrally.  
  
Rin almost fell over in his rush to run back.  
  
“Haru! It’s not! We’re only in touch as friends I swear. It was just that one time and then...”  
  
Haru debated letting Rin sweat a little further but decided to take pity on him.  
  
“I know. It’s ok Rin. Answer it.”  
  
Rin sat down looking at Haru a little suspiciously. The call kept ringing.  
  
“Are you sure??”  
  
Haru cocked his head to the side. “Yeah. I think I’d like to meet him. I mean, if that’s ok with you?”  
  
Rin slowly reached to accept the call. “Ooo-k”  
  
But Haru stopped him with a sudden cry. “Wait!”  
  
He launched out of his seat beside Rin to sprawl himself over Rin’s lap, grabbing Rin’s cap off his head and placing it on himself, one arm over Rin’s shoulder, the other placed territorially over his chest.  
  
“Ok, now!” He declared, hand darting out to answer the call.  
  
“Woah... wait Haru! I mean.... _Eli hi!_ ”  Rin stuttered helplessly as the screen illuminated to show Eli in his Flagstaff dorm.  
  
Eli, to his credit, took the sight of Haru draped over Rin’s lap and staring pointedly at the screen in his stride.  
  
“Hey Rin! And Hi Haru! It’s good to meet you. Well, properly anyway.”  
  
“You kissed my boyfriend.” Haru replied flatly.  
  
Rin jabbed him hard in the side and was never more thankful for Eli’s limited Japanese.

“Hey! Be nice.” He hissed as Eli’s forehead crinkled a little in confusion.  
  
“Haru could you repeat that, sorry? I don’t think I quite caught it.”  
  
Haru gave a small sigh,  
  
“It is pleasant to be meeting you.” He tried out in laboured and heavily accented English. Then he gave a (somewhat awkward, considering his position) bow and said in slow Japanese. “Thank you. For taking care of Rin. When he was away. When I couldn’t.”

Haru looked at Rin to translate, which he did (roughly, and ears turning pink).

Eli smiled. “No problem! It’s good to meet you too. I’m glad you and Rin were able to sort things out. He was kind of a mess when he thought he’d lost you you know. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone that gone.”

Haru looked at Rin again pointedly. Rin blushed.

“He said he’d happy for us.”

“He said more than that Rin.”

“And that he could tell I was missing you a lot.” Rin ground out reluctantly.

Haru nodded and relaxed his hold on Rin a little, seemingly satisfied.

What followed was a slightly stilted conversation as Rin translated back and forth between English and Japanese. Haru became progressively more relaxed, asking about the pool and swimming in Flagstaff, and when Eli mentioned he had started dating the drummer for the college band he liked so much, Haru finally climbed off Rin’s lap and sat back next to him.

Eventually they wound things up, and Eli signed off nodding to Rin and saying something long and complex. Haru only picked up the one word. _‘Ganbatte’_.

“What’s he wishing you good luck for?” Haru hissed. “Is that about me?”

“Haru no!” Rin spluttered elbowing him, afraid all the progress from the past hour was about to be undone. “For my sponsorship meetings!”

“Oh”. Haru relaxed again and waved goodbye pleasantly as the screen cut back to Rin’s desktop.

Rin looked over at Haru expectantly, waiting for his verdict.

Haru let him stew for a moments, expression blank before he finally said cooly. “I didn’t know you liked blondes.”

“Haru!!!” Rin sputtered. “I told you we were just friends.”

Haru gave a small mischievous smile and raised a hand to finger his own hair. “I dunno Rin. Maybe you’d prefer me as a blonde. What do you think?”

“Don’t you dare!” Rin grabbed for his hand as if Haru had the power to change in on a whim. Haru smiled and leaned over to land a kiss on one of Rin’s heated cheeks.

“I thought he was fine. I can see why you two got on.”

Rin finally smiled a little then. “Fine is he? I’ll have to pass on your glowing praise.”

Haru rolled his eyes then something occurred to him.

“So what was all that about sponsorship meetings? You never mentioned”

Rin smile turned a little shy.

“Ah. I was waiting to see if anything came of it. Just, you know after the inter college cup I signed with a manager right? Well nothing much had happened before but now they’ve been in touch with a few brands and they’re organising for me to meet with some of them. See if any fit.”

“Which brands?” Haru asked, thinking of his own hastily agreed deals. So far he’d had to do very little beyond allow them to use his photo on their website and sew a logo patch on his competition bag, but he vaguely anticipated there might be more than that to it to come should he be successful in the national trials

“Here, let me show you.” Rin turned and pulled out a small stack of printed out emails. The first was a schedule for a day of meetings at the university training centre, a list of brands neatly written alongside times and room numbers.

“Rin there’s so many!”

Haru scanned down the list, his mind snagging for some reason on a name he couldn’t quite place. He pointed it out to Rin.  
  
“What’s this one?”  
  
“Oh uh, a telecoms company or something, I think? I haven’t been sent all the prep work yet.”  
  
Haru frowned lightly, still unsure why the name looked familiar, then pushed it aside and sat back. “How are you going to decide?”  
  
“Well they’ll have to decide they want me too. And my manager warned me that most of the deals they might offer would depend on me making the team before anything is confirmed. But good to be prepared right?”  
  
Haru nodded absently and thought again of his own hastily agreed offers. While it was true they didn’t pay much, at the time the money had been enough to make a difference so he’d agreed without much thinking if he could have done better.

“Do you think I made a mistake? I don’t have any of this. A manager. anything.”  
  
Rin’s eyes warmed and he tackled Haru round the waist.  
  
“Rin, Hey! What?”  
  
“Just _this._ Us. Sat talking about our future. It will work out I promise Haru. You should meet my manager. There’s no way he wouldn’t want to sign you too. The he’ll be able to talk your sponsors. Maybe renegotiate. We could maybe even do some stuff together!”  
  
Haru felt his eyes prickle a little. _He’s right. This is special. And we almost lost it._

He deflected by pointing at another name on the list.

“What about that one?”

“Ah it’s skincare. Apparently they somehow dug up pictures of my pimply phase in Sydney. Interested in doing a whole before and after thing. I guess we need to be more careful about social media now too… or uh I do. You don’t really use it huh?”

Haru blinked looking at Rin’s blemish free face. “You had a pimply phase?”

“What? Didn’t you?”

“I think I got one, once.”

Rin rolled his eyes. “Of course not. Why did I even ask. Thank god you never saw me back then.”

Haru frowned, any reminder of the time they missed still uncomfortable, like an almost healed bruise he forgot was there until someone pressed up against it. “I wish I had. Can you show me the pictures?”

“What, Haru no! I looked gross.”

“No. You were still cute.”

“How would you know that”

“Because you always are.” Haru insisted stubbornly “Show me!”

“No! I am not swapping my awful teenage years photos to see you with one measly pimple. You’ll have to do better!”

“Oh, I don’t think I have a picture of it.” Haru said, with genuine regret. Then his eyes brightened. “But I let Ran cut my hair and give me a makeover once - I think Makoto has a picture of that I could show you?”

“You what?” Rin gawped, unable to shake the mental image of Haru in makeup.

Haru shrugged nonchalantly. “She was bored and Makoto needed to study.”

Rin dropped the papers he was holding, chest tightening inexplicably “Haru you are...”

“What?” Haru blinked.

Rin tackled him down to the floor, framing his face with his hands and and smiling down at him.

“You are adorable. I love you Haru.”

“Mm’not adorable.” Haru objected, only half serious. “I’m very manly and sexy.”  

“Mmmm that too.” Rin agreed in between kisses to Haru’s neck, his collarbone.  

Then, just because he couldn’t help it.

“Haru, move in with me.”

Haru froze. He thought about all Rin’s sponsors. His paltry few in comparison.  
  
“Rin we’ve talked about this. I can’t afford it right now.”  
  
“And I told you money doesn’t matter to me. I just want to be with you.”  
  
“I’m not letting you pay for me.”  
  
“So how about I bill you later. Or you can pay me in mackerel for all I care.”  
  
Haru smiled despite himself.

“You don’t like mackerel”  
  
“No. But I love you. And I don’t want to be apart anymore.”  
  
“Rin.”  
  
“Ok, ok I’ll drop it. For now. But… will you at least take this.”

Rin pulled away leaving Haru to catch his breath on the floor as he fumbled in a drawer and turned back brandishing a single key.

He was flushed a happy pink and Haru felt his heart skip a beat.

“Here, you don’t have to use it if you don’t want. But… you don’t have to knock every time either. I had it cut and it’s no use here. I’d like you to have it. You can add it to the keychain I got you.”

Haru sat up and accepted the key in both hands, staring at it.

“Haru… Haru say something. Please.”

“You’re giving me this. Even though I said I wouldn't move in?”

Rin dipped his head.

“I’m not trying to pressure you. I swear. Just…even if you don’t live here… I’d be honored if you could still think of it as home. As _a_ home you can always come to.”

Haru placed the key slowly and carefully to the side, then crawled forward to settle himself in Rin’s lap.

He pushed Rin’s hair back so he could see his face clearly, Rin staring up at him open and vulnerable.

“Rin, I love you and I accept.”

* * *

 

It was mid January and both term and training had kicked up with a vengeance when Haru and Makoto made the journey to a jewlers Haru knew very well by now.

Makoto stayed close by at his side as Haru jittered at the counter, uncharacteristically nervous considering this part should really have been the least of his worries.

“I’m here to collect an order please.” He spoke as clearly as he could when it was his turn to be served, skin humming with the enormity of the moment. “Under the name Mr Nanase. Two rings.” He presented his ID and the final payment receipt, hands a little shaky.

The woman smiled and looked through the order book.

“Of course. Mr Nanase. Here we are. Just one moment and I’ll be back with your order.”

She returned promptly with a blue velvet dual ring box. She snapped open the lid and presented the contents, glittering under the light.

They were simple, but beautiful. Two gleaming metal bands of similar sizes made up of dual toned metal. A thin white gold centre surrounded by pale rose gold that looped together almost seamlessly. On the inner band, concealed for only the wearers to know about, was inlaid a tiny red gem next to a tiny blue one, an engraved infinity symbol connecting them.

“A second band can be added here without much change to the overall design” the assistant pointed to one side of the rings. “Just as requested”

“Haru they’re…” Makoto trailed off.

“Yeah. It’s the same design Rin picked with you. I only added the engraving on the inside.” Haru smiled, admiring them. “I think he liked the rose gold because it’s almost the the colour of…”

“Cherry blossom.” Makoto smiled, but there was a slight tightness behind his eyes.

Haru looked at his oldest friend, suddenly uncomfortable. There was something unsaid between them.

He waited until the rings were safely in his possession. Until they were out of the shop. And then he turned to face him.

“Makoto. What is it? You don’t like them?”

Makoto’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

“No. No, they’re beautiful.”

“Then what?”

Makoto sighed and pulled Haru aside gently until they were off the main street and sheltered in a side alley.  
  
“Haru, you know that I love you. I love you both. So I’m only going to say this once, but... you know you don’t have to marry him, right? At least not right now. You’re both young and you have time. When Rin told me he wanted to propose I was so excited because I thought it was what you wanted too. But all this… it made me realise you never mentioned getting married before. Not even when we were kids. So as your friend I want you to know that just because Rin was going to propose to you doesn’t mean you have to propose to him. I want to make sure this is what you want too.”

Haru frowned, letting Makoto’s words sink. _If Makoto still thought it was a question that needed to be asked, did that mean Rin did too?_

When he spoke he chose his words carefully, slowly. “I know I don’t have to. I want to. I want to marry Rin. For the longest time I didn’t think we… I didn’t think _I_ had that choice. But now I do I want to show him, show everyone, how much I love him. And that it’s forever. I want to be his husband. His family. And I want him to be mine.”

Makoto gripped his shoulders, face kind but still determined. “Haru I’m glad then. But if thats true then you have to see it’s strange right? You want to marry him but you won’t move in together because of money? I know you’re used to doing most things alone. That your parents… they never looked after you. At least not how they should. But I think Rin could. I know he wants to. And I think you deserve to let him.”

Haru ducked his head away. For a long time there was only silence. He turned to look down at the bag holding the rings.

Then very quietly: “This isn’t how I thought things would be. I want to live with him. I do. And I want to marry him. But I thought I’d being doing better by now. I wanted to be the one to take care of him. Right now I feel like I owe him more than I can give. He deserves more. I know what it is to lose him. More than once. And I don’t ever want that again. But what if it doesn’t work? I want it too so badly and I know Rin does too but what if...”    
  
Haru trailed off. Makoto picked up easily.  
  
“Haru, everyone takes that risk. You and Rin are perhaps the least alike pair I’ve come across it’s true, but you’re also both insanely stubborn and you work hard for the things you want. You also love each other far more than most. Even when we were kids there was something … it was clear he wasn’t just another person to you. So I think if you both decide it’s going to work... then it’s going to work. And who pays rent now or who has to look after who in ten years time are all just things you’ll have to find ways to be ok with and work through together. Sometimes it’ll his job and sometimes it will be yours. It’s not something you need to keep score of or make up for. It’s just part of being together. I mean, it never bothered you when he had less money did it?”

Haru’s lips twitched into a small smile. “Were you always this wise? I could have used this back in high school.”

“Always. Only you were usually too busy looking at water. Or Rin.” Makoto laughed.

“It’s going to work.” Haru replied firmly.” And I love you too you know. Truly. These past months - I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“You would never have had to Haru.”

Haru tipped his head back to look at the sky.

“Right.” Then. “Makoto. We really are growing up.”

Makoto grinned. “We are. Now then. Now that’s off my chest, can I be the best man? I have _a lot_ of material for the speech.”

Haru looked at him deadpan.

“Well this is awkward. I was planning to ask Kisumi.”  

* * *

Later that day Haru used his key and let himself into Rin’s flat for the first time.

He wasn’t planning to stay. Had already text Rin explaining he only needed to pop by to collect a few school books he’d left and that after that he needed to be back at his accomodation to get fresh work clothes.

But even as he slid his key into the lock he felt himself waver.

_Home._

He tested the word in his head and found he liked it. _A lot_.

 _If he asks me again, I’ll say yes_. He thought and felt his chest and stomach fizz with excitement.

His mind was quickly wiped blank though by the sight that greeted him as he stepped into the entryway of Rin’s - soon to be their - apartment.

Haru’s call announcing himself died on his lips, but it wouldn’t have made much difference as Rin was blasting some English rock music out in the apartment and dancing around the kitchenette. In his underwear. Only in his underwear.  And not just any - in a rather ridiculous pair of silky red boxers.

Haru felt his mouth fall open at the sight as he gawped shamelessly.  
  
The fabric clung to the swell of Rin’s ass, the bright red highlighting the milky white of his thighs. His muscles were shifting and rippling as he swung his hips in time to the music, singing away happily to himself as yet seemingly unaware he had company.  
  
Haru almost dropped his key feeling suddenly very much warmer.  
  
But he saw no reason to interrupt just yet, enjoying the anticipation of the beautiful blush that was sure to paint over Rin’s features when he realised that he was caught. And Haru felt a strange, close to painful, pressure on his chest as he watched Rin dance around, warbling at the top of his lungs and looking so uncomplicatedly happy and free.  
  
_This is my person._ He thought. _Of all the people in all the world, I get to be his and get to call him mine._  
  
Rin shimmeyed around to face him and grinned wolfishly. All at once Haru realised that not only was Rin well aware he was being watched, but the whole display was for his benefit.  
  
He tried to stay poker faced but Rin only reached out an arm to him. One hand clasping Haru’s, the other snaking around his waist.  
  
Still singing along in English to the upbeat track, Rin pulled Haru close and started dancing with him, rocking their bodies in time to the music.  
  
They danced wildly for a few beats, Rin ignoring Haru’s protests and spinning them, limbs flying until Haru was breathless and laughing.  
  
“Rin... Rin stop. Stop! You’re not wearing any clothes!”  
  
Rin did indeed stop, only to then dip Haru dramatically.  
  
“Now I live alone I often don’t. Sometimes I even walk around naked...” he whispered, breath hot against Haru’s neck.  
  
Haru’s face heated despite himself. He reached around and pinched Rin hard.  
  
“Oi. None of that. I’m only here to pick up my books, right?”  
  
Rin righted them and shrugged looking unperturbed. He reached over to pause the music and flashed Haru a grin.  
  
“Spoilsport. Since your here at least let me feed you. I was just about to start dinner.”  
  
Haru raised a brow.  
  
“In your pants?”  
  
“No actually, na-“  
  
Haru cut him off with a playful shove.  
  
“Oh cut it out. I’ll stay, I’ll stay. But just for dinner. If it's mackerel. And only if you put some clothes on.”

-x- 

  
Despite it being his own rule, Haru couldn’t help but look a little mournfully when Rin’s chest and abs were covered up by a jumper.

-x-

After dinner, they curled up together on the small sofa, Haru nestled between Rin’s thighs. Haru relaxed into the contact before he felt himself start to become too settled, drowsy and content in Rin’s arms.

“Rin, I can’t stay.” He mumbled, protest barely convincing even himself.

“I know. I know.” Rin sighed, breath tickling against his skin. Just... would you kiss me? Just for a little bit? Kiss me goodnight.”

Rin was so ernest, so guileless that Haru turned in his arms and pressed close immediately, giving everything he could in kisses and taking just as much as he could in return.

By the time Haru finally remembered he was supposed to be leaving it was late.

Too late really. They both should have been in bed (in bed sleeping that is) and yet they had only made it as far as Rin’s entryway, Haru with one shoe on, one off, as they kissed each other breathless against the door.

Goodnight kisses indeed.

“I hate this part.” Rin panted, forehead pressed against Haru’s as they finally paused to catch their breath.

“Me too.” Haru agreed, chest rising and falling rapidly, his shirt all twisted from where it had been gripped by Rin’s hands.

Rin pulled away a little. “So why are we doing it?”

Haru cocked a brow. “Rin.” He started softly. “We talked about this. I’ve barely been back in a week. If I keep washing and wearing the same whites for work they won’t exactly be white anymore and it's going to fall apart. I need my clothes.”

“So bring them here.”

“Rin?”

“Forget the money. Please. You like it here right? The bath... Its ok?”

“Rin…” Haru’s tone was warning but his eyes flickered to Rin’s lips.

“Forget the money” Rin repeated, kissing Haru’s collarbone. “Live with me. Go to sleep with me every night and wake up with me every morning.”

Haru swallowed heavily. “But- Rin. Are you sure. Are you sure you want this.”

Rin tilted his head then decided to change tact’s, and kissed a line up Haru’s throat before pulling back slightly and pouting.

“Haru...” he wined. “How could I not want this. Do you know how crazy it makes me to think of you sharing a room with another guy. Someone else getting to see you wake up, see you fall asleep. See you when you’re just out the shower, all wet and sexy with your hair mussed.”

Rin captured Haru’s mouth again and kissed the protests from his lips, his hands starting to roam over Haru’s abs.

“I get so lonely when you’re not here.” Rin breathed against his lips, pressing their hips tight together to underline his point. “So lonely that sometimes I think about you and I touch-…”

Haru groaned and cut him off, reciprocating for a while and kissing Rin hard and hungry before he pushed away, face carefully blank. He arched one eyebrow expertly.

“Matsuoka Rin, are you trying to seduce me to get your own way? First mackerel and bathroom sex, now dancing around almost naked and putting ideas in my head of you here alone... Shameless.”

Rin blushed. He took a half step back looking a little guilty and caught, hair ridiculously mussed from Haru’s hands.

“I... well it’s only...I know it’s your decision Haru. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to force you. I know we talked about this and if you’re really not ready I can respect that and I’ll wait and we won’t...”

Haru’s felt as if his chest was swelling with love for the ridiculous beautiful boy in front of him as Rin mumbled on, sexy swagger rapidly replaced with sheepishness.

 _It’s really happening._ He thought. _I get to have this -_ We’re _really going to get to have this._

Haru’s stoic expression cracked. He smiled. “Rin, Rin you can stop. It worked. I’ll do it. I’ll move in.”

“What? Really? Haru! really?” Rin beamed, surging forward. He recommenced kissing with so much enthusiasm Haru had to battle a little to pull away.

“Wait… Rin… ah, wait! There’s two conditions.”

Rin paused. “O-ok. Hit me”

Haru’s gaze flicked pointedly down. “First, I want to be able to see you dancing in your underpants anytime I want.”

Rin choked in surprise, clearly expecting something else. “F-Fine. Ok. If that’s what it takes. What else?”

“You have to let me pay. Half of everything. As soon as I can. Even if I can’t do it now I will later, ok?”

Rin struggled for a moment, he searched Haru’s face then set his lips in a line.

“Ok. It’s a deal. But you know Haru… what’s mine is yours.”

“And what’s mine is yours too Rin… roomie.”

Rin smiled the kind of smile that made Haru’s knees weak.

“Roomie… think you can survive without those whites for one more night?”

Haru’s answer was a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter finished and up! Hectic end to the year at work and then I got a little distracted having a go at writing submissions for Rin & Haru week :) 
> 
> I’m hoping to be able to get the last couple of chapters up more like weekly again. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you all had/are having happy holidays and have a happy new year!
> 
> *Side note: I know Japanese 'ganbatte' and English 'good luck' are not quite the same sentiment but I couldn’t think of something that fit better - apologies.
> 
> **Side side note:  
> I’m kind of annoyed with myself because originally in this chapter I did have a whole section where Rin helped out as a waiter for a few shifts at the restaurant and pulled a total-proud boyfriend and over upsold the specials Haru was cooking (because he cant help talking up how amazing the chef is) so poor Haru ended up inundated with orders. And then it turned into kind of a silly contest between Rin and Yumi to see who could sell the most and so Haru was even more busy AND flustered at them becoming friends BUT while it amused me I just couldn’t seem to get it to work with the rest of the flow of the story so ended up cutting it. If it’s something anyone would be interested to read I might still clean up and publish as a short semi-connected one shot of chef Haru and waiter Rin. Let me know what you think!
> 
>  **Next chapter**  
>  Rin gets an unexpected sponsorship offer.


	23. TWENTY-THREE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:** Contains mentions of homophobia.

“Well Mr. Matsuoka, it’s been a pleasure. Now, of course we’ll be looking into a few other prospective partners, and are aware you’ll be taking other meetings too, but I think I am not too bold in saying you would be an excellent asset to our brand and we can offer you an attractive deal. So please expect to hear from us soon.”

Rin gave a low bow, feeling a little like he was having an out of body experience, like this couldn’t possibly be his life.

“Thank you. I’m very grateful for the opportunity to meet with you.”

His agent, Mr. Kawatei - a slim, highly styled man in his late 40s - gave Rin a subtle pat on the shoulder as passed by to see the three brand representatives out.

As soon as the door was closed Rin collapsed back down into his chair, shaking his head in disbelief. The meeting had been with a fairly prominent sportswear brand, and they were seriously interested in working with _him_.

 _I can’t wait to tell Haru_ he grinned to himself. Perhaps if a deal did in fact come through he might even be able to negotiate to get them some work together

“Matsuoka I could kiss you! We’ve been after those guys for months and you might just have cinched it! I don’t mind telling you this is going far better than I expected. I’ll have them fighting over you yet!” Mr. Kawatei reentered the room and was rubbing his palms together, practically vibrating with glee.

Rin had chosen him to work with out of a number of agents who’d made contact as, as well as having a reputation as one of the best, he also seemed to genuinely listen to Rin when he’d explained the limits and bounds of what he’d be willing to do, and how much time he could spare from school and training … but even so, sometimes his energy levels were disconcerting… he was like Momo on a sugar high.

Despite their long day of back-to-back meetings, Mr. Kawatei looked as freshly pressed and invigorated as he had in the first one. Rin wished he could the say the same of himself, but the truth was he was starting to fade and his mind was wandering to a quiet evening at home with Haru.

Mr. Kawatei seemed to notice and patted Rin’s back a little sympathetically.

“You’re doing great champ. Just one more and then we can order in some food and talk through your impressions - who you like, who you don’t and so on.” He checked his watch. “And we have time to break for 10 minutes or so - could I get you a drink? Would you like to use the restrooms?”

Rin nodded to both, grateful, and pulled out his phone to tap out a quick text to Haru to let him know he was almost done.

In the bathrooms, Rin examined his appearance in the mirror and tried to smooth out the slight wrinkles that had formed in his shirt over the course of the day. He gave a small smile to see that his hair at least had stayed in place perfectly.

That morning his hands had been shaking so badly with nerves that Haru had stepped in and helped him fix it, brushing it carefully before twisting and pinning his bangs away from his face and sending him off with a kiss.

_Just a little more and I get to go home to Haru._

Home. Haru. The words together sent warmth blossoming in his chest.  
  
The day has gone better than Rin could have ever dared hope, but truthfully now that the initial nerves and anxiety had burned away he was exhausted and had the beginnings of a headache. His neck and shoulders hurt a little from sitting poised and straight-backed through a full day of meetings, one after the other, each holding the potential to help him reach his goals if he could only charm the succession of suited PRs, brand managers and marketers who had - frankly - all started to blur.

Most had been fairly casual initial meetings to simply open the lines of communication until Rin had proven his status as a ‘golden goose’ by making the national team. They had wanted to know the standard stuff: his times, his competition record, to hear about his goals and what kind of commitment he could make. But a few had really grilled him - from questions about his father’s passing, his family life, his training regime to detailed requests to learn about his diet, his spending habits and what brand of deodorant he preferred.

A couple had even asked to know if he had a girlfriend at the moment. Or any ex-girlfriends who might be tempted to sell kiss-and-tells were he to gain a public profile. Rin had fiddled with his hair and answered with technical honestly - no. No girlfriends, ex or otherwise.

His not-technically-a-girlfriend had come up a few times himself in the meetings - the story of two boys from a small town potentially taking to the Olympics together too good to pass up - leading to questions about their hometown, how long had he known Haru and how long they had been competing together. Rin had felt himself flush with love and pride as he tried to keep his answers vaguely professional.

Lost in thoughts of how much he should tell Haru - he didn’t want to raise either of their hopes just yet - Rin jumped as he was pulled from his musings by a knocking on the bathroom door.

“Matsuoka, are you ready? Your final meeting is here.”

“Yes, I’ll be right out.” Rin confirmed, giving himself a final check over and squaring his shoulders, ready to once more deliver his most charming self.

Mr. Kawatei was waiting for him just outside the door and directed Rin to a different, smaller meeting room than the one they’d been using before.

“This next one you’ll go into alone. A request from the brand.”  
  
“Alone?”  
  
“Yes. It’s not unheard of - sometimes brands like to see how the talent performs without representation. As if I’d be feeding you answers or trying to spin things.” Mr. Kawatei’s nose wrinkled a little in clear offense at such charges being leveled at his profession. “But don’t worry - just keep doing what you were doing and don’t let them pressure you into agreeing to anything. If any talk of contracts or exclusivity comes up you direct them to me ok? I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

He gave Rin another reassuring pat and Rin nodded, feeling a spark of nerves hit despite the reassurances.

 _I can do this._ He thought as he walked to the door. _It's for my future. For_ our _future._

He reached for the door handle and put on his brightest, most inviting smile as he pushed it open.

“Hi, I’m Matsuoka R---” he started but was quickly cut off, smile falling from his lips as he stepped into the room.

_“W-what are you doing here?”_

* * *

_[Haru. It’s going well! I think I’ll be done in about an hour? Kawatei mentioned getting food here but I’ll wait and eat with you. Let’s order in! I feel like celebrating a little. Love you x]_

Haru smiled at the text that buzzed in on his phone. He had every confidence in Rin, but he couldn’t deny he’d spent much of the day distracted and wondering how his meetings had been passing. He’d hated seeing Rin looking so unsure of himself that morning, tinges of self-doubt creeping in as he’d readied himself, practicing his introductory spiel in the mirror and worrying his hair into a fluffy mess.

He checked his watch. He’d been spending the afternoon with Mr. Nakata helping develop new menus, but the restaurant was due to open in a couple of hours and Haru wasn’t on shift meaning he’d be free to leave as soon as the team arrived to prep. Technically he was closer to the training center, where Rin was having his meetings, than he was to their flat. Perhaps if he finished up soon he’d have time to go meet Rin there and treat him to dinner out rather than another cheap meal ordered in.

He smiled knowing just the place. A small new restaurant that served similar style food to The Mermaid’s Tale… he could check out the competition at the same time.

Decision made, Haru made sure to complete the latest set of edits to the menu note cards and tidy away all the recipe test mess they’d made before Chef Yoshiya arrived (who was known to have very particular demands for the order of his kitchen). He stopped only briefly to wash his face and hands and comb his hair before he stepped out into the waning afternoon sunlight and hurried in the direction of the campus training center.

As he walked he found his thoughts drifting to the past weeks. He had to admit he was a little surprised how easily he had adjusted to living with Rin. As much as he had wanted it, as much as it had felt only right to be where Rin was, there had admittedly been a little niggle of worry that the sense of rightness would break or fade as soon as he made the move permanently. That he would find himself missing his privacy, or that they would start to drive each other crazy with all their small incongruencies.

Haru had at first been extra vigilant for these little frictions - determined that after all they had weathered he and Rin wouldn’t be bested by disagreements over whose turn it was to empty the trash. So far, it had been for nothing though. Moving in with Rin hadn’t actually ended up feeling like a big step or a significant new stage to their relationship like perhaps it should. It had instead felt entirely natural, almost as if they had already done so for years without Haru noticing.

And yet, along with the naturalness, and despite the years their relationship had ebbed and flowed - the many evenings they had shared and mornings waking up together - Haru had also been surprised to find that there were still things to learn about Rin. More ways to fall in love with him.

He had thought after having almost lost him, facing the prospect of living without him, his love had already grown to such a point that it couldn’t be possible for there to be more. But it seemed his heart had the capacity to expand yet further, finding new things to love about Rin each day. Little rituals of his daily life that Haru hadn’t noticed or fully appreciated before - the discovery of the exact order Rin liked to wash his face, brush his teeth and do his hair. The songs Rin liked to put on as he prepared their breakfast. The way he would allow the alarm exactly three beeps before he was up and ready to face the day. Haru collected each little detail and pressed it close to him, determined never to take these small intimacies for granted again.

Which is not to say that hadn’t bickered at all. They would always be stubborn and hold fundamentally opposing views on things such as the concept that bathtime should have an endpoint, and there being a limit to how running was good for a person. But these felt like strangely comforting conflicts, well-worn paths that brought them closer to their deep history rather than creating friction.  
  
In fact, earlier in the week when they’d fallen into snapping at each other - something silly and small about dinner or laundry (Haru forgets which) - mid-argument Haru had found himself overcome by a ridiculous urge to laugh with happiness that he had this. That he got to stand in an apartment he shared with the person he loved and bicker meaninglessly. (Rin, noticing Haru start to smile, had of course inferred that he was being laughed at, but the sudden press of Haru’s lips against his own had quickly silenced his protests and allowed arguing to be quickly abandoned for other shared activities.)

Haru was happy. And as he walked toward Rin, the prospect of another quietly domestic evening ahead of him, he allowed himself to recognize just how unused he was to feeling such happiness without the small side of hurt, the sharp edge of guilt and fear that had always come alongside it. He tested out the sensations of it and then surrendered to it fully. Rin was his and he was Rin’s.

He thought of the rings, tucked away in Makoto’s flat where Rin couldn’t stumble across them and couldn’t help but break out into a light jog, feet feeling light as air as they carried him toward his future.   

* * *

“W-what are you doing here?”

Rin stood frozen as the door clicked shut behind him. _This wasn’t real.  He was in the wrong place. One or both of them had to be in the wrong place._

Mr. Nanase, impeccably dressed and seemingly entirely unruffled by Rin’s appearance or his distress, did not rise to stand and greet him. He was seated at the head of a long table, his hands clasped in front of him, an untouched glass of water at his side along with a lone pen and a single sheet of blank paper.

“Exactly as you were informed. I’ve come to discuss a sponsorship opportunity with you.”

It was that same quietly controlling tone Rin remembered - one that spoke of the absolute assurance of power.

Rin felt suddenly, terribly, torn back to that restaurant alleyway, stained by his own vomit and dirt from where he’d crouched on the ground. Mr. Nanase stood watching impassively as he broke Rin’s heart.  
  
_And his own son’s too._ Rin thought, with the dull realisation that he’d perhaps yet to fully appreciate what Haru himself had endured that night.  
  
For an alarming moment, he felt sure he was about to vomit again, but he managed to hold his breath until the wave of nausea subsided and he felt passably capable of speaking.

‘You?”

Mr. Nanase’s glasses flashed. “Yes. Or I suppose I should say Nanase Industries.”

Rin felt like he was trapped underwater, everything come through faint and far away. He reached out and gripped the back of a chair to steady himself.

“That’s not possible. You can’t. You can’t be interested in sponsoring me. You can’t possibly think I’d want that.” Rin hated that his voice came out faint and shaking.

Mr. Nanase smiled. Or stretched his lips into the approximation of a smile. Rin felt like he was being sized up for dinner.

“Take a seat, Mr. Matsuoka -- Rin, wasn’t it?”

Rin wordlessly shook his head. He was trembling from head to foot.

He hated that he was trembling.

Thickly, it occurred to him to call Mr. Kawatei back, to walk out of the room, but he found himself rooted to the spot.

Mr. Nanase just shrugged amiably. He unclasped his hands and spread them wide across the desk. Helplessly Rin found himself looking to them, trying to see if there was anything of Haru in the blunt, manicured fingers.

“As you prefer. It’s all the same to me. The salient point is I’m here to discuss a deal. I think you will find my terms very favorable. You see I know some things about you now Mr. Matsuoka. A dead father. Life insurance long spent on your folly in Australia. Sister started at a rather prestigious but rather expensive university, and a stubbornly widowed mother working two jobs to make up the shortfall.” He listed these intimacies of Rin’s life in detached monotone.

“You may not like me but I have the power to help you. I think in fact I could help you rather a lot. What I am offering is a one-time payment. A generous payment. In return I ask for no contractual obligations, you wouldn’t even have to wear our logo - in fact, I’d rather you didn’t - there would only be one … let’s call it a ‘morality clause’.... you would need to adhere to. In so much as it pertains to one person.”

Rin felt his knees buckle a little, his grip on the chair tightening. He’d imagined this conversation going so many ways, what he would say if he ever saw him again ... but was Mr. Nanase really suggesting what he thought?  
  
“I don’t understand.” He croaked out, less out of genuine lack of comprehension, and more from the desperate hope he was mistaken.  
  
“Then let me speak plain. I am asking how much. How much will persuade you to absent yourself from my son's life and allow him to return to his family? To his responsibilities? In short to be as he was meant to be? I was prepared to wait him out but my son is more stubborn than I anticipated. I will allow that much. But this… _folly_ between you is unnatural and, I can assure you, ultimately temporary. I simply seek to bring us swiftly, and mutually beneficially, to its conclusion.”  
  
“You can’t possibly...” Rin whispered.

But Mr. Nanase had already uncapped the fancy pen and was scribbling on the paper, his head slightly bowed, hair still thick and shiny and almost entirely absent of grey. It was as if Rin’s brain refused to fully compute what happening and instead threw out the absurd thought, _at least Haru won’t have to worry about ever going bald._

Mr. Nanase finished writing and pushed the paper toward Rin.

“My offer. This should be more than adequate to support your family. Isn’t that what you always wanted?”

Rin’s heart was beating too fast. Far too fast. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t possibly think…

He looked down at the paper. At the number. The penmanship impeccably forming a figure Rin could barely register. Mr. Nanase was right, it was enough to pay for Gou’s school. To help his mom with the bills. Enough to change their lives really.

He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears and he struggled to fight the panic that threatened to pull him down. Somewhere faintly, he was reminded that at times like this he should be focused on his breathing.

_In for three. Out for three._

Mr. Nanase’s voice reached him distantly.

“Think about it, Mr. Matsuoka. I’m offering you a chance to fund your dream.  I mean, just how many companies do you think would be truly willing to sponsor you if they knew how you lived? How you’ve corrupted my son? I’d wager in fact I could make life very difficult for you. I think you want me working with you.”

_In for three. Out for three._

The room slowly pulled back into focus and Rin pressed his lips together, expression turning flat.  
  
“Add a zero.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
Rin released the chair, hands turning to fists at his side. “You heard me.”  
  
Mr. Nanase slowly did so and turned the paper back to Rin.  
  
“I’m glad we could...”  
  
“Another.” Rin interrupted.  
  
Mr. Nanase’s eyes flashed dangerously. “Careful how you push me son. I think you are already getting a very good deal.”  
  
“I said another zero,” Rin repeated firmly.  
  
Mr. Nanase scowled, the first true crack of emotion Rin had seen from him, and scribbled another zero against the line of figures.  
  
“Fine. But be war...”  
  
“Another.”  
  
Mr. Nanase held the pen up as if it were a knife.  
“Are you stupid boy? That is ... completely unreasonable. This is by far enough to take care of your mother and sister for as long as you might want.”  
  
“I said another,” Rin growled through gritted teeth.  
  
Mr. Nanse scratched the paper so hard it almost ripped. “You forget your place in this. What you stand to lose. This will be my final offer. Are you quite done?”  
  
Rin looked down at the number. It represented the most money he had ever seen in his life, the most he would likely ever see. He gave a hollow laugh.

“No. I haven’t even started. You can sit there adding zeros all damn day and it still won’t be enough. Wouldn’t even come close to being equal to your son. I don’t want your money. You make me sick. You see, we got a cheque when my father died too. Not quite as big as that I’ll grant you, but enough for me to know no amount of money could ever be enough to replace someone I love. And like it or not sir, I love your son and he loves me. So you can do what you want with your money. But don’t insult me by offering it to me. This meeting is over.”

Rin turned to leave.  

“He’ll get bored of it you know.” Mr. Nanase called out to Rin’s back “He’s determined now because he wants to spite me. To hurt his poor mother. He’s always been difficult that way. But mark my words soon he’ll get tired of the trouble and want his easy life and easy money. If he can turn his back on his family with such ease what makes you think you will fare any better?”

Rin paused with his hand on the door. He turned around, expression like thunder.

“Ease? You think any of this has been _easy_ for him? For us?” He forced himself to take a shaky breath and bite back his anger. When he spoke again his voice was level, if still a little thin.  

“You underestimate him. And me. And us. In any case, if that ever happens it will be Haru’s decision not yours and not mine. I love your son and I made him a promise so I’m going to stay with him until he tells me to go.”

He opened the door, ready to call for Mr. Kawatei only to be stunned by the sight of Haru stood on the threshold looking flushed but pale all at once.

“H-haru?”

Haru didn’t seem able to speak. He was trembling. He bowed his head, shoulders curling in as if expecting a blow.

Rin whirled around to Mr. Nanase. “You need to leave, _now._ ”

Mr. Nanase had risen and stepped toward the door. Rin automatically placed himself in front of Haru who was still stood shocked and silent.

Mr. Nanase sneered. “You really think I would hurt my own son? I’m doing this with his best interests in mind.”

“I said leave. Before I call security.” Rin voice was truly raised now, and slightly hysterical.

“You know where to find me when you come to your senses.” Mr. Nanase said curtly, unclear if it was directed at Haru or Rin, and then finally, thankfully, he walked away.  

Rin turned to Haru but found he had already darted from behind him, calling out suddenly to Mr. Nanase’s retreating back.

“How is my mother?”

Only Mr. Nanase didn’t reply, barely breaking step as he walked away from them.

Rin reached out to his white, still-shaking boyfriend.

“Haru, Haru are you ok?”

Haru blinked back at him and looked as if he was just registering Rin’s presence for the first time.

“Rin? I… I came to pick you up. They said to wait here. I was waiting … I...”

Rin gripped him tighter. “Haru, Haru I’m so sorry. I didn’t know he would be here. You shouldn’t have to see that. To hear that.”

“He offered you money.” Haru sounded numb.  
  
“Yes.”

“You didn’t take it.”  
  
“Haru! I would never.”  
  
“But Gou…. your mom...”  
  
“Haru stop. I won’t. I won’t ever leave you. I promise. I’ll tell you every day until you believe me ok?”  
  
“Ok.” Haru swallowed his panic. Rin could see the way his throat bobbed that little too much. His eyes a little too wild and bright.  
  
“Haru I’m so sorry. You deserve better. You deserve so much better.”  
  
“I have you.”  
  
“You do. Always.”  
  
Haru sagged against him.

“Take me home?”

* * *

Rin ignored the confused calls from Mr. Kawatei as he quickly marched Haru from the building, aware he was probably gripping too tight but unwilling or unable to relax his hands.

Haru for his part seemed to gather himself a little, and by the time they exited out onto the street he had stopped shaking and pulled himself from Rin’s arms.  
  
Rin in contrast still felt dizzy with adrenaline, determined to get Haru away and safe as fast as possible, and so instead of heading to the metro he tugged Haru to the road and flagged down the first taxi he saw, cost be damned.  
  
In the taxi Haru turned away from him, ignoring Rin’s outstretched hand and staring sightlessly out of the window. Rin worked hard to tamper down the little flash of hurt.  
  
He knew better - should know better - than to take it personally. Haru was still Haru after all, and no matter how far they’d come, how much they’d shared between them, he still retained his childhood instinct to, when faced with big emotions, shutter into himself.  
  
_Any wonder why with parents like that._ Rin thought bitterly, forcing himself to give Haru the space he clearly needed and instead occupying himself for the rest of the journey with vivid and varied fantasies of exacting his revenge.

As soon as they arrived into the flat, Haru made a beeline for the bathroom and Rin let him go, dithering in the lounge as he listened to the water run and the telltale splash as Haru sunk into its embrace.

He felt hollowed out, all thoughts of the earlier excitement he’d felt gone, replaced only by a sickening worry about how he was ever going to make this ok for Haru.

At a loss for what else to do, and aware they would need something to eat for dinner, Rin busied himself tidying the kitchen and preparing a simple miso-based broth. _You need something easy to digest after a shock._ He remembered being told, but couldn’t quite recall when. His grandmother perhaps, after his father’s death?

Once done he set the pan to the side and tried not to pace too audibly as he watched the sun start to dip below the skyline. It looked like it was going to be a long bath even by Haru’s standards...

-x-

Eventually, the door clicked and Haru slipped wordlessly from the bathroom to their small bedroom. He reached for a shirt that he knew wasn’t his own and even though it was still far too early for bed he curled under the covers, knees to chest. He opened his mouth, about to ask, then closed it again, warring with himself not too.

But it turned out he didn’t need to. He felt the bed dip as Rin slid in behind him, strong arms wrapping around him and pulling him tight against Rin’s chest. Haru sighed and closed his eyes. Then felt himself snap alert again, body becoming hard and taut and ungiving under Rin’s hands.  
  
“Rin, I’m ok. I’m fine.” He heard himself protest, tone stubborn, almost rude.  
  
It was Rin’s turn to tense. He paused. But then Haru felt him relax and simply pull him in closer.  
  
“I know.” He replied quietly, pressing a kiss to Haru’s shoulder. “I know you are. But you don’t have to be. Not for me, ok? Besides, I think I might need this too. Just for a little bit. I think maybe we both do. Is that ok?”  
  
Haru sighed and let himself relax more fully. “It’s ok.” He said quietly, eyes falling closed once more.

-x-

Rin held him as Haru’s breathing smoothed and slowed. Haru’s hair was still damp and tickled against his nose. He felt suddenly very small and very vulnerable in Rin’s arms and Rin felt his heart ache with the need to protect him. To block out every terrible thing that would dare try and hurt him.

 _But how to protect someone from their own family. Their own blood. And the loss of that..._  
  
He thought of all the times Haru had comforted him about his own father. Had steadied him when the grief of that loss would still threaten to unmoor him.

 _But I always knew my father loved me._ He thought. He’d always felt it down to his bones, an irrefutable fact that ran to the core of who he was.

Rin pulled Haru closer still as he felt himself start to spiral, a fresh wave of guilt crashing over him for all he hadn’t known. All he had taken for granted. He wondered how much hidden damage it had caused. How much more he himself had inflicted in his own weakest moments.

But he pulled himself back. He couldn’t change the past - as much as he wished to have been better - but he knew now.  
  
“You’re not alone.” He whispered into Haru’s hair. “You won’t ever be left alone again. And I’ll love you enough for all of them. I swear.”

Once he was certain Haru was sleeping soundly, Rin slipped away, closing the door to the bedroom and called Sousuke.

Rin was relieved when he picked up on the second ring.

“Rin Hey! Whats-”

“I need a favour.” Rin interrupted, and his tone must have given him away as Sousuke instantly turned serious.

“Anything, what do you need?”

“Haru’s dad just offered me money, a lot of money to leave him.”

“Fuck. What a dick.” Sousuke interrupted.

“I need to know if he can do anything to him. Legally I mean. You know that stuff right? Or you can find out?”

Sousuke paused. Then said slowly. “He can’t. Haru’s 20 now. Even if his parents hadn’t essentially abandoned him in the eyes of the law their parental responsibility has ended. And I mean they already took the house right? Unless Haru wants to fight that, which it sounds like he doesn’t, then they don’t have any legal power over him. He’s safe with you Rin.”

Rin breathed out shakily. _Safe with me._

“Are you ok?” Sousuke’s voice came softer. Rin scrubbed a hand through his hair.

“Yeah. Well no, but I’m fine, you know? It just… it doesn’t make sense. It was a lot of money Sou. A Lot. I mean maybe there something to do with Haru and his company? I just… he can’t hate us being together that much, can he?”

Sousuke hummed thoughtfully. “You know what, let me do some digging. Nanase Industries right? I’ll see what I can find. But he might really just be that big of an asshole Rin.”

“Yeah, I know. Thanks, Sou”

Rin heard the door creak and looked up to see Haru slipping quietly into the room.

“Look I gotta go. But thanks. I owe you.”

“You owe me like twenty,” Sousuke responded fondly. “But anytime. You know that.”

Rin dialed off then slipped his phone back into his jeans and turned to Haru.

“Hey.”

Haru was adorably sleep-mussed and rubbing his eye. “How long did I sleep?”

“Not long. How you feeling? I made some broth if you’re hungry. Or do you want some tea.”

Haru’s lips curled a little at the corner and he moved forward to wrap his arms around Rin.

“I’m not sick you know.”

“I know,” Rin muttered, pulling him close. “I’m just not sure what the protocol is when your boyfriend's dad is a terrible human. So I made broth.”

Haru slotted into his arms, a fit that felt like second nature now. Rin’s tone had been calm, but pressed close Haru could feel he was still tense.

“I’m… I’m sorry.” He whispered, the words a battle to get out, the attempt almost aborted as he realised even in speaking how inadequate they were.

Rin just tightened his hold, arms around Haru pressing him so tight against his chest that it constricted his breathing, even hurt a little. Haru wished it were possible that Rin could hold him tighter still.

“Hey… didn’t we say no more of that? Besides this isn’t your fault. At all”

“But he’s my father.” Haru protested weakly, hiding his face into Rin’s shoulder.

“Well, he doesn’t deserve to be.” Rin retorted a little snappily, unable to hide his anger, but then he pulled away and sought Haru’s eyes.

“Look, I meant it when I said I’m here ‘til you tell me to go. So we’re in this together now, ok? And I won’t let him near you again. Not unless you want to see him. I don’t care what he says, what he threatens. We’re better and stronger than that. With me?”

Haru nodded slowly, then looked away.

“What about your manager? Aren’t you in trouble for running off like that?”

Rin shrugged and tried to look unbothered.

“I’ll call him later. I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.” he chewed his lip. “And actually Haru, this has made me think. I… well I think I need to come out to him. To them. As… well as something. Let them know I date…you, but I don’t have to say you. Guys. You know? They’ll find out some way… best they hear it from me…. You know before....”

Haru flinched, eyes widening as Rin trailed off into waffling. “Rin, did my father threaten you?”

“Not exactly. I don’t think? But, still. This isn’t just about him. Today some of the sponsors asked me about my personal life. About who I date... and I didn’t tell them and now I don’t know why. Because I don’t want to lie. And I don’t want to be looking over my shoulder or worrying about what people say about us. I’d rather face it head-on. And I want to be able to feel proud about who I am.” The tips of Rin’s ears reddened a little. “... Who I love.”

Haru had gone a little pale.

“You’d… tell everyone?”

“I don’t have to say it's you. I can keep that private.” Rin reassured quickly.

Haru waved him off. The truth was he couldn’t care less about what people thought of him. He’d only ever hidden his feelings for Rin from his parents out of fear of the consequences for Rin… but for Rin to be willing to tell the world… what it could mean for him…

“Rin I’d do this with you. _Of course_ I would. But… are you sure?”

Rin nodded firmly, eyes flashing, determined.

“I am. Haru, I’ve been in love with you half my life. You make me better. You are the best thing that’s happened to me. I’m not ever going to be ashamed of that. Damn what anyone else thinks.”

And as much as Haru’s heart swelled to hear it, he wished he didn’t also feel so afraid. He’d seen Rin’s light smothered before and he couldn’t bear the thought of what the outside world could do to the bright shining man in front of him.

He pulled him close again and only hoped he would be enough to keep him safe. “I love you too Rin. Damn them all.”

* * *

The rest of the evening passed in a bit of a blur, the atmosphere strange and heavy as they went through the familiar motions of dinner and preparing kit bags while each clearly locked in thought for all that had passed that day.

There were small reassuring touches through - the brush of hands, fleeting pressure against shoulders, lower backs. Too wired for sleep they put on a movie that neither of them paid attention to, sides pressed close and Rin playing absently with Haru’s hair. 

Once in bed, Haru pressed close against Rin, one clear goal in mind. Despite Rin’s gentle suggestion that perhaps they weren’t in the best mood for it, Haru was insistent, eyes slightly glassy and seemingly chasing after something Rin couldn’t entirely grasp, only doing his best to hold Haru as he worked out with their bodies things he clearly didn’t have the words for yet.

The next morning, Rin emailed his agent alluding for the need to clarify a personal matter only for his phone to ring almost immediately. Rin was silent on the line for a long time before dialing off and explaining to Haru he was being called in for a meeting.

Haru lingered in their bedroom doorway, watching as Rin got ready. His hands were steady this time, but there was a grim set to his lips, his shoulders tensed as if for battle.

“I’ll come too?” Haru offered, twisting his hands. “I mean it’s about the both of us right?”

Rin considered then shook his head. “No, I can do this. I want to. Besides, it’s a rest day. You should focus on recovery, right?”

Haru stubbed his toes into the carpet. Finally, he voiced it.

“What...if they won’t represent you anymore?”

Rin turned and gave him a beaming smile.

“Then I’ll find someone else. We’ll find someone else. It’s going to be ok. I promise. I love you. Don’t spend all day worrying ok?”

He pressed what should have been a light, chaste kiss to Haru’s lips, but Haru surged forward, returning the kiss with more than an edge of desperation.

“Rin I--” _I’m sorry. I love you. I won’t let him hurt you again._ The words muddled and caught in Harus throat, but Rin seemed to understand anyway, eyes dark with emotion.

“I know. And it's going to be ok. I promise.”

* * *

Despite Rin’s words, Haru did indeed spend all day worrying. He almost wished to be at work to at least have something to take his mind of the slow tick of the clock, his thoughts caught on Rin sat alone and bearing his soul.

He cleaned the whole flat at least twice, had two separate baths, and then carefully alphabetized Rin’s DVD collection before giving up and simply walking slow circles around the lounge and thinking of all the worst possible scenarios.

_What if Rin decided it cost too much and left him? No, he wouldn’t do that. He knew he wouldn’t._

_But what if Rin lost everything? What if his father got involved somehow and got Rin kicked off the team? What if Rin arrived back home broken and crying? How could Haru ever make it up, make it ok?_  
  
Eventually, he heard the key turn in the lock and was startled out of his catastrophising. He darted forward to greet Rin at the door.  
  
Rin smiled as soon as he saw him, but his shoulders were slumped and it was of the kind that suggested he’d been putting on a cheerful and charming front for hours.  
  
Haru wavered in the entryway.  
  
“Rin?”  
  
“They’ve not dropped me.” He replied hurriedly. “Yet. Kawatei was actually really great. He’s been calling sponsors all day to fill them in… to convince them I’m still a good bet. But… it’s not his decision. He’s meeting with the management tonight so they can decide if they can still represent me.”  
  
Haru felt his stomach lurch, even though it was so much better than so many scenarios he’d dreamed up. “Rin...”  
  
“It’s ok. Really. I’m glad it’s all out in the open. I don’t want to lie. And if they decide they’re not ok with it I don’t want to work with them anyway.”  
  
Then Rin gave him another smile. This time a real one.  
  
“And I’m really happy to get to come home to you.”

Haru pulled forward helplessly and Rin sagged a little into his arms, but quickly seemed to gather himself and noted Haru’s rumpled appearance.  
“Hey, did you leave the flat at all today?”  
  
Haru shook his head, not meeting Rin’s eyes and instead focusing himself on smoothing Rin’s windswept bangs back behind his ears.  
  
Rin frowned. It wasn’t exactly unlike Haru to curl himself away, lost in drawing or daydreams, but he didn’t have the look of time spent in quiet pursuits. He looked like he’d been pacing holes in the floor.  
  
Perhaps Rin should have asked him to come after all, but he’d wanted to show he could handle it. Then a realisation dawned on him.  
  
“Wait. Are you... worried he’d come find us here? Is that why you stayed in?”  
  
_He said. Us. Not you._ Haru thought, and despite the awfulness of everything, his heart lightened just a little.  
  
He shook his head again but not convincingly.  
  
Rin looked thoughtful and then grabbed Haru’s hand.  
“Come on. There’s somewhere I’ve been meaning to take you.”

* * *

They jogged gently through the darkening streets, Haru feeling a little dazed by the fresh air,  his muscles slowly starting to warm and loosen after a day spent cooped up and under tension.

He spotted where Rin was headed from a few blocks away but stayed quiet, content to listen to the sound of their feet hitting the pavement, their breathing coming in rhythmic puffs in the cold air.

Komazawa Olympic park.

As they arrived they dodged and weaved their way through the nighttime joggers, Rin leading them into the old stadium grounds, before setting off - without warning - into a full-on sprint around the running track, ignoring Haru’s gasping protests that _Rin knows he hates track work so what are they doing there_ and instead heckling to him to catch up. When Haru did pull up, spluttering a little from the cold air, Rin looped a hand over his shoulder and gestured up to the stadium around them.

“I can’t believe I haven't brought you here yet. I’ve been meaning to. Can you feel it Haru? Over 50 years since the last summer games here. And soon it’ll be our turn.”

Haru looked around and tried to feel the excitement Rin so clearly did at the grandeur and history of the place, but he was more conscious of the heat of Rin’s body next to him, how he pressed him close despite the track being fairly well occupied by runners, including what looked to be a local running club, getting their evening workouts in.

“We’re not runners though Rin.” He finally said for want of a more meaningful reply. Rin chuckled and ruffled his hair.

“I know that, but well… the pool here isn’t the Olympic one and… I wanted it to help.”

“Help with what?”

“Help remind us that our dream, us… we’re bigger than all the other stuff. That’s just noise. It’s gonna be you and me Haru, on the world stage. We’ll be untouchable.”

Rin was grinning, a fully toothy grin full of the fever and excitement of competition. And looking at that smile did something the stadium could not. Haru felt a flicker of the fire, the drive, the desire to beat who or whatever stood in the way of achieving their dream.

He set his shoulders and nodded.

“You and me.”

They gazed at each other then, eyes bright and connected by the sight that only they could see. Until eventually Haru broke away and nodded out back toward the park.

“Swim with me?”

“Always.”

* * *

The next morning they had early training, and despite their impromptu racing the night before they both pushed harder than ever, leaving the center hand in hand and buzzing with the promise of all they planned to achieve together.

When they got back home, Rin checked his email only to squeak that there was a message from his agent.

“I’m still in! They still want to work with me!”

Haru couldn’t help the splinter of anger he felt at hearing Rin sound so relieved and grateful for something that by rights shouldn't have even been in question. Resented the wave of relief he felt break over him too.  But he swallowed it, allowing himself instead to get a little swept up in Rin’s joy as he pointed at the enclosed list of sponsors still interested.

Haru couldn’t help but note with a pang that it was much smaller than before, the big flashy skincare brand notably absent, and momentarily entertained images of storming into each and every office that had dared decide Rin’s value was even subject to debate…  but then he noticed that if Rin had spotted that he didn’t seem to care. He was beaming.

“See Haru! I told you it would be ok!”

They kissed and Rin nuzzled into Haru’s neck.

“Um, hey. How do you feel about telling the team next? I… I think I want them to know.”

Haru considered, then smiled, eyes alight with a little mischief.  

“I'm in. It’s just a shame Sato and Ando have left. I would have enjoyed seeing their tiny minds explode.”

Rin laughed heartily and kissed Haru again before drafting an email to call together their team.  

* * *

Decision made, they decided not to wait, Rin’s impromptu meeting set for the very next day after their afternoon training session. Instead of their usual pool-side meetings he led the team outside and away from the training center and onto a set of benches in a relatively quiet spot on campus.

Haru hovered a little awkwardly to the side as Rin stood square-shouldered and formal and cleared his throat to address the team.

“Thank you for coming out here. I wanted to do this away from the center as this isn’t exactly an official meeting. This isn’t official business. What I wanted to talk to you about is personal, to me and … well and to Haru too. But as your captain, I feel a responsibility to explain some of what went on last year… and well… here goes.”

He looked to Haru who nodded in reassurance.

“Haru and I are together. As a couple.” He turned back to the team. “Now I realize some of you may feel different ways about that. Or nothing at all. But I wanted you to know. And if you want me to step down or if you have any concerns I’ll hear them out. Or if you’d rather talk to either of our coaches that’s fine too. I’m prepared to do whatever you think is best for the team, but I don’t want to hide it anymore. And whatever happens, I wanted to say thank you for the honor of allowing me to represent you all.”

His speech done, Rin took a low bow then waited for the axe to fall.

There were a few beats of silence, where Rin turned back to Haru eyes a little wide with concern.

And then the team all started talking at once, groaning and jeering to one another as wallets were pulled out and notes changed hands.

Rin stared open-mouthed then looked at Haru at a loss. Haru sidled up to him.

“Looks like they’re ok with it Rin. That is other than the guys who lost their money.”

“Are they… were they making bets? On us.” Rin spluttered, the blood rapidly draining from his face apart from two glowing spots on his cheeks.

Haru shrugged, unruffled and landed a quick kiss against one of the spots of heated skin. “Looks like it.”  

Kenta approached them then with a broad smile, fanning a fat spread of notes between his hands.

“If you weren't already taken I could kiss both of you.” He crowed. “You’ve just made my day.”

Rin’s face turned a dangerous shade of red, the red spots rapidly spreading to reach right to the tips of his ears.

“Kenta, I’m giving you 10 seconds to get out of my sight or it’s double laps for you the rest of this week,” he growled.

Kenta saluted. “Whatever you say, captain. By the way, Haruka here’s your share. See you tomorrow!” He passed Haru about half of the notes before scarpering sharply.

Rin’s mouth dropped open as Haru tucked the money away and slung an arm casually around Rin’s shoulders.

“I’d say that went well. Now how about dinner on me, Captain?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I’m hoping to be able to get the last couple of chapters up more like weekly again_
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>  -- Uh, so that hasn’t happened. At all. I'm so sorry! Had a bit of a curveball start to 2019 with a lot of sickness and more work travel so I have barely had any time to write (and oddly when I have, it’s ended up going to new RH stuff as I’ve been feeling a bit blocked on the final bits of writing/editing that need to happen to the final chapters of this) BUT I promise I am still committed to getting the final chapters published (after all there is a very important event yet to happen…) I’m just not exactly sure when I’ll get the time so thank you if anyone is still around to read this :)
> 
> Also, I appreciate I went a bit comic-book villain with Mr. Nanase in this…I know its generally not that black and white in real life. I did go back and forth a fair bit on if I wanted Haru to reconcile with his parents and there is one more scene relating to Haru and his family to come, but you can probably guess which side of the fence I landed on. Somethings are not easily forgivable and I also think even if the toxic relationship in question is family, that some behaviors merit making a clean break. 
> 
> **Next chapter:**  
>  Haru and Rin host a dinner to thank their friends for supporting them. Rin’s 20th birthday approaches.


	24. TWENTY-FOUR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:** Includes brief reference to / implied homophobia at the beginning

Rin hadn’t been sure what he’d been expecting by his and Haru’s ‘coming out’ in their professional lives, but he found he was more than a little relieved that the world didn’t crash down around them.

It wasn’t exactly that it was ever something he’d wanted to hide - he’d been open with his friends and family almost as soon as he and Haru had first gotten together (to their utter lack of surprise, everyone seeming to have guessed his feelings for Haru long before he had even dared admit them to himself). But even so, he’d known back then - and knew it even more so now that he had seen the very different experience Haru had faced - that he was one of the lucky ones to have received nothing but support.

He still remembered how nervous he had been to tell his mother. Even though he knew she loved him, knew in his core she would love him no matter what, there had still been a stubborn thread of fear that he was somehow going to be letting her down. As it was she’d only pulled him into a hug and informed him gently that while she appreciated him telling her about Haru, she had already guessed for some time and only needed him to know that as far as she was concerned he could love anyone he liked as long as they were kind and loved him back. Gou, on the other hand, had simply rolled her eyes and delivered a scathing ‘well duh’, before moaning about how unfair it was that Rin got to date when she wasn’t allowed yet. This had led Rin to completely forget that the conversation was supposed to be about his ‘coming out’ and instead demand she tell him which member of the Mikoshiba family has been hitting on her this time.

By the time Rin set off for Sydney for his revenge, even though he and Haru - at Rin’s instance - were not technically together, he had been so sure of his heart that he’d decided not to even try to hide that he was in love with Haru, and that Haru just happened to be a boy (not that hiding it would have been much use anyway considering he spoke about Haru’s swimming with almost mythic awe while simultaneously turning bright pink, and missed him so much he found himself dropping his name into conversation at the slightest prompt). His teammates had barely blinked, instead showing pictures of their own girlfriends or partners and simply teasing Rin about being lovestruck and a total fool for not just trying for a long distance relationship. Russell and Lori too had done a terrible job of feigning surprise, quickly demanding to get to skype Haru since they felt he automatically qualified for inclusion into their warm, if unconventional, little family.

The few times Haru had visited him in Australia they had also taken advantage of the more progressive social views: kissing on the beach, holding hands while queuing to get coffee and indulging in passionate airport reunions and departures. Never worrying if their looks or touches lingered that little bit too long.

But things were different in Japan and Rin had always just accepted that this meant he needed to be different too - that they would need to live lives of quiet discretion. Haru had never exactly been big into public displays of affection anyway, his tactile warmth and the enthusiastic way with which he shared his body with Rin something that Rin felt privileged that only he was privy to (and technically perhaps Sousuke too, having lived with Rin long enough to have witnessed more evidences of Haru’s affectionate nature than he’d have ideally chosen). In its way, there had been something special about the bubble of their lives behind closed doors. Making the best of it by luxuriating in the times they could shut out the world and create a space where they were able to just be together.

Things felt different now though. Something having shifted not only in Rin but in the way he and Haru felt together. Be it facing the sheer hostility of Haru’s parents to their relationship, or the support they had received from Rin's manager and their team, but it was as if they had finally decided once and for all that it didn’t matter what people thought of them, their relationship - each other - was always going came first.  

And with that decision made Rin felt as if a weight he hadn’t even known he had been hauling around had come off. He wasn’t sure if it was the same for Haru - Haru had always carried himself with an admirable lack of concern for what society expected of him, but something certainly changed between them. Together they started to test their bravery. Holding hands in public. Brief chaste kisses on cheeks. Nothing too overt or full on, but simply allowing themselves to act as any other couple might, bracing only slightly for the reactions that didn’t really seem to come.

Sure they perhaps got the odd look, a few double takes, but Rin suspected being out in public with someone as stunning as Haru was bound to garner a certain degree of attention no matter how they behaved. (Little did he know Haru had long made his peace with being looked at when out with Rin, finding it all too understandable that Rin’s beauty would attract attention). Haru had never cared much what people thought of him but felt fiercely protective over Rin, so while the weighted stares they attracted didn’t much affect him, he had been known to glare stonily if he felt anyone was looking too long or lustily at his boyfriend.

* * *

The events that had spurred their new boldness were not, however, entirely consequence free.

The first few times they returned to the training centre to swim Rin couldn't help but notice how Haru tensed, looking around almost as if he expected his father to appear at any moment. He’d been uncharacteristically unwilling to leave Rin’s side too, worrying his lip anytime they had to separate for work or classes.

Then there had been the nightmares - the times Rin woke to find Haru thrashing and grasping for him desperately in his sleep, only able to settle after soft reassurances that yes, he was there. Yes, he would always be.

Unsure of the best way to help, Rin had eventually gently suggested that Haru come along with him to one of his counseling sessions. Haru had churned it over for a full day and night before agreeing, on the condition Rin stayed with him the whole time.

When the day came, Haru was relieved to find it was nothing like he’d expected. He’d known Rin had been seeing someone since the summer to help with his anxiety --  had seen the proof that it had been working -- But he had still somehow expected clinical white rooms, strange metal contraptions and long sofas to lie down on.

As it was Rin led him to a nondescript building on campus where they sat in a comfortable waiting room before being called into a sunshine yellow room that looked very much like somebody’s lounge. The counselor Rin had been speaking about with such reverence turned out not to be some slick professional in a lab coat, but instead a petite and grey-haired woman in glasses who was vastly outsized by the two swimmers.

She had smiled at Haru warmly when they arrived and seemed genuinely pleased to meet him. As he and Rin crushed together on one of the soft sofas, hand in hand, she simply asked a few gentle questions and gave Haru as much time to answer as he needed. Rin stayed mostly silent, running his thumb over the back of Haru’s hand and only chipping in when Haru looked to him at a loss for words or when he was addressed directly.

They talked for a little under an hour, and Haru was grateful to find she seemed to know the basics about his father already, Rin clearly having prepared her. She seemed kind and calm and wise and told him the same things Rin had - that it wasn’t his fault. That he wasn’t responsible for his father’s behavior. That it was really no reflection on him at all. At the end of the session, she smiled at them again and told Haru he was welcome to join them any time. She didn’t tell him he was broken or needed fixing like he’d feared, or scold him for his treatment of Rin.

And Haru felt filled with warm gratitude. Grateful that she was helping Rin, that he felt safe and supported and was finding ways to quiet the parts of his mind that tried to hurt him. The things Haru couldn’t protect him from no matter how much he wished he could.

But he also quickly felt it wasn’t for him. He didn’t like talking much at the best of times, never mind when it was to strangers and about all his least favorites topics - himself and his family.

Afterward, they headed hand in hand back out into the bright blustery day. For a while they walked in silence until Rin squeezed his fingers and softly asked.

“Was that ok? What did you think?”

Haru stopped and chewed his lip before looking up at Rin through his bangs.

“Thank you for taking me. I’m glad I met her. I’m glad she’d kind to you. That it helps. But I don’t think I want to go back. Unless it would be helpful to you. Is that ok?”

Rin had bundled him immediately into a big hug.

“Of course it’s Ok. Whatever you need. Whatever you want. I’m here.”

“I don’t think I want to talk to strangers.” He replied quietly into Rin’s neck. “I really am alright I think. Or at least I will be. I only want to talk to you. Is that OK? I don’t want it to be a burden.”

Rin had nodded against him, and when he drew back his eyes were fiercely determined. “Haru it's ok. You can tell me anything. I’m here. Always.”

And so Haru did. 

He and Rin would lie wrapped together - sometimes bundled up in hoodies and pajama bottoms, sometimes bare-skinned and slick with the sweat and heat between them - and Haru would talk. He found it much easier telling Rin things when he wasn’t looking at him but could feel his arms around him. When he could feel his heartbeat steady and sure.

And so Rin held him and listened. Piece by piece in the quiet hours he learned more about the years he’d missed. About how as a very small child Haru’s grandmother had overheard him telling Makoto he didn’t have parents and had to correct him. About races and parents evenings and recitals missed, Haru quickly learning only to seek out the Tachibana’s in the cheering crowd. About how when Rin had lost their race and returned to Sydney Haru had briefly considered giving in all together. Not only quitting swimming but leaving Iwatobi completely and accepting he would have to join his father's company, be married and live the life set out for him. That only the idea of leaving Makoto behind and some deep-rooted stubbornness had kept him from making such a terrible mistake. That ultimately he had given up wondering why his parents found it so hard to love their own son and simply accepted there was something wrong with him. But that he’d decided he wouldn’t care.That he wouldn’t try and change for anyone and would live on his terms. Be free.

Rin was always careful not to interrupt, only to hold Haru close, occasionally pressing kisses against his skin, and only when Haru was done to softly reply - reassuring that he had heard and was still there. That Haru was never going to be left alone again.

* * *

And so their lives slipped back to something approaching normal — or as normal as it could be for two athletes staring down the final months of training before attempting to qualify for an Olympic team.

They trained extra hard, even Haru throwing himself into their dry land sessions with gusto and worked to refine their diets and recovery routines. Haru had cut down his shifts so was no longer forced to run himself ragged crisscrossing around Tokyo and Rin was gratified to see he’d put on weight - that his cheeks seemed less hollow and that he laughed more easily and still had the ability to reduce Rin to a blushing, stuttering mess with a single sassy quip.

There were still worries between them: Haru still fixated on finding a way to contribute more money, Rin still preoccupied with supporting his family (in which he counted Haru) and the both of them conscious that only a matter of a few short months stood between them and their first major shot at making their dreams a reality. (Though they didn’t like to talk about it, to think about it really, there was the unspoken agreement that should the worst happen they’d try again for another games).

But at the centre of all the stressors and pressures there was also a calm, confidence between them. As if together in the eye of the storm they felt safe and secure in the knowledge that however trials planned out, whatever they faced in the future, they would face it together, committed to the dream of one another above all else.

And although Rin wasn’t yet aware, for Haru there was another major milestone he was counting down to. A goal he hoped to achieve far sooner than team qualification and that to his mind even the Olympics paled against in comparison...

* * *

 

While it was true Haru and Rin felt the turbulence of the summer well behind them, there was however still one outstanding matter that lay unresolved.

Though their friends had been nothing but kind and supportive - responding to their reunion only with love  - Haru and Rin were both more than a little aware of how much their friendship group had been impacted by their break up, by how much they had leaned upon their friends and in return how much they had each been shored up in the months of their separation.

And so in the week leading up to Rin’s twentieth birthday, Haru and Rin invited Makoto and Sousuke to their flat for a dinner. Initially Rin had wanted to try and arrange for train fare for Nagisa and Rei to join too, but Haru had deflected a little clumsily, suggesting they might not be able to travel so soon after winter break, and so it was set to be the four of them - Haru was going to cook and Rin would act as server for the night.

In theory, it had sounded like a great idea - offering their friends a fancy restaurant experience in the comfort of their flat.

In theory.

The problem was that while Haru worked on the menu, Rin had gotten very into his host role, borrowing a uniform from Haru’s restaurant including a crisp, fitted white shirt, cufflinks, a smart bow tie and long length apron. He’d slicked his hair back away from his face and tucked a pen behind his ear as if ready to take an order.

Just before the dinner was due to start he presented himself to Haru, who was finishing up starters in the kitchen, and leaned seductively against the wall.

“I’m ready to be of service chef.”

Haru turned around and gave a dry swallow. Then he scowled.

“Not fair. You’re trying to distract me. I thought we were a team.”

Rin smirked, highly gratified by the reaction and stepped forward to slip his arms around Haru’s waist from behind. He leaned forward and whispered dangerously in Haru’s ear.

“Hmm, if I was trying to distract you I would have worn my second-year maid cafe outfit. I still have it you know. I don’t think you ever did get to see me in it..”

Haru made a strangled noise and dropped the spoon he had been holding, tilting back his head to capture Rin’s lips.

There was a knocking at the door but they ignored it, Rin instead pressing his hips forward against the curve of Haru’s ass and returning the pressure of Haru’s mouth enthusiastically.

“Did I ever tell you how hot I find it that you’re a chef?” He murmured, moving to land soft fluttering kisses against Haru’s jaw and neck. “That first day I saw you in your uniform with your hair clipped up I….”

“Mmm...but we don’t have time for this Rin,” Haru warned breathily, although he couldn’t help but arch back into his touch.

The knocking became more insistent.  

“Hello! Are you guys ever going to open up?” came a muffled voice.

Rin groaned and pulled away slightly, landing a final kiss against Haru’s jaw.

“Trust Makoto to be early.” he groused.

“Mmm he’s not early he’s perfectly on time,” Haru mumbled back, nuzzling against Rin before firmly pushing him away. “Doors open, you can come in” he shouted.

“Wait!” Came Sousuke’s slightly panicked voice “Finish....whatever it is first. We don’t need to see. I do not need to see!”

“Well look who came together? Your best friend better have entirely honorable intentions with my best friend you know.” Rin teased, eyes sparkling mischievously.

“Oh, Makoto is an infamous scoundrel. Sousuke has no hope.” Haru deadpanned back.

Rin chuckled and then reluctantly called out, “It’s fine, come in. We’re decent.”

Sousuke still walked in with his eyes half covered, considering himself to have been burned one too many times before when living with Rin...

* * *

Once Sousuke had relaxed, satisfied he wasn’t about to be confronted with the more personal side of Rin and Haru’s relationship, the dinner went off without a hitch. Rin took to his server role with impressive commitment, and Haru worked up some of his most mouthwatering dishes from the restaurant, each determined that they would give their best friends an evening to remember.

Then, once the main meals were cleared, in the pause before serving dessert Haru cleared his throat and stood to raise a glass. 

“I don’t like making speeches,” he admitted. 

“Strong start!” Sousuke heckled, but a glare from Rin shut him up.

“I don’t like making speeches, but I do have something important I want to say to both of you. We do really.” Haru continued, looking down at Rin, his face softening almost imperceptibly. “We wanted to have you here tonight to say thank you for being there for us.”

Haru turned and raised his glass in Sousuke’s direction, Sousuke freezing up, still not fully used to being on the receiving end of Haru’s sincere and open emotions.

“Sousuke, even though you’re Rin’s best friend first and foremost, and even though I know you were mad at me, you didn’t turn me away. You took me swimming, you kept me going and gave me hope that things could be ok again. You were a true friend to me.”

He turned then to Makoto who was already looking watery eyed.

“And Makoto, you know you are my brother. You have always been family to me. I don’t know that I could have done any of this without you."

Haru finally looked again at Rin who immediately lost his composure, biting his lip to distract from the growing pressure behind his eyes.

“And most importantly the both of helped to take care of the most precious thing to me when I couldn’t. Rin. You know what you mean to me. But I want to say it again anyway. I love you. I’m so lucky to have you in my life. There’s nothing that could equal you and I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure I’m worthy of it.”

He gave a low bow before finally sitting down again, cheeks a little flushed with emotion.He wasn’t the only one. Both Rin and Makoto had started to look tearful, while Sousuke sat between them tense and white-faced, as if unsure how to react.

Rin reached for Haru’s hand, and with the other raised his glass and said shakily.

“We couldn’t have come through this without your love and support. So thank you. To the very best of friends. We love you.”

They clinked glasses, Makoto reaching to hug Haru before Rin gave in and excused himself to go wash up his now-tear stained face.

Sousuke leaned over and hissed at Haru.

“Jesus you almost gave me a heart attack Haru. I thought you were gonna do it right then and there aren’t enough tissues here. You have to tell me when so I can have the tissues!”

Haru glared and looked over his shoulder.

“Sssh. Not yet. His birthday. Didn’t Makoto explain?”

Makoto looked a little sheepish. “I wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep from giving something away.”

“I won’t give it away! I’m a great actor!” Sousuke insisted looking offended and so Makoto leaned over and whispered for a few moments in his ear. Sousuke’s eyes widened and he turned back to Haru.

“Oh god, you are going to need so many tissues. And you don’t think he suspects?”

Just at that moment, the door to the bathroom reopened and Rin emerged still a little red-eyed but mostly composed.

“Who doesn’t suspect what?”

Haru looked at Sousuke murderously.

“Your birthday surprise.” He replied coolly. “You already know I’m not going to tell you what it is.”

Rin grinned. “Ah of course. I’ve been trying to get it out of him but so far nothing. All I know is I need to keep the afternoon free.” He frowned a little. “It’s just a shame you have to work in the morning Haru.” 

“You have to work? That’s a bit harsh. Couldn’t your manager let you off?” Sousuke bemoaned just a little too theatrically. Barely managing to keep himself from throwing in a wink.  
  
But Rin brightened at his words. “Hey, what if I asked? Nakata likes me. I’m sure If I spoke to him and explained he’d let you trade shifts of something”  
  
Makoto launched a swift kick under the table “But Haru it’s an important shift right? Sousuke you know that he can’t just skip it.”

... only he hit the wrong person.  
  
“Ow! Makoto what was that for?” Rin yelped.

Haru turned cool eyes to Makoto. “Yes, Makoto. Why are you kicking Rin.”  
  
Makoto and Sousuke both jumped slightly as Haru delivered quick blows to their shins.  
  
“Right, sorry Rin, strange twitch.” Makoto blushed.  
  
“Yeah, and if you have to work you have to work Haru. We’ll look after Rin in the morning.” Sousuke muttered keeping his gaze anywhere but at Rin’s eyes.  
  
Rin looked around the room.  
  
“Wait, you’re all being weird all of a sudden. What am I missing?”  
  
Three expressions veering between careful blankness and extreme guilt looked back at him, until Haru did the only thing he could think of to distract him and launched forward off his chair to settle in Rin’s lap and capture his mouth with a kiss.  
  
Rin’s face immediately became soft and dreamy. “Ah, what was that for?”  
  
“I told you you’re distracting dressed like that. I couldn’t hold back from kissing you anymore.” Haru shrugged, nuzzling into him.

Rin puffed out his chest happily. “Ah. I knew I didn’t need the maid uniform!”

“It’s embarrassing how well that worked” Sousuke snickered to Makoto, only for Makoto to land a quick kiss to Sousuke’s cheek.

Sousuke flushed and stuttered.

“You were saying?” Makoto asked mildly.

Haru noticed the exchange and gave a small private smile to himself as a wave of deep-rooted contentment hit. Here he was surrounded by three of the people he loved best. His two friends embarking on a new relationship together, and his Rin glowing happily in his arms, as yet unaware that Haru was determined to live up to his promise.

He reached and pulled Rin’s hand toward him, delivering a quick kiss to the knuckle of his ring finger.

_I want to give you everything Rin. I'm going to._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a slightly shorter chapter this time essentially to bridge us into the ending. Thanks so much to everyone/ anyone who has stuck with this all this time. It turned into such a bigger project than I thought. I’m excited to share the finale :) 
> 
> Also, the next chapter was supposed to be published for Rin’s birthday which I, of course, failed at...sorry!
> 
>  **Next chapter**  
>  Rin turns twenty :)


	25. TWENTY-FIVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Content note:** Some 'M' / NSFW stuff (or my attempt at it) at the very start.

On the morning of his 20th birthday Rin woke to the feel of soft kisses. Still thick with sleep he murmured appreciatively at the fleeting pressure of Haru nuzzling against his skin, lips brushing against his mouth, his jaw, his neck. His eyes started to flutter, lips parting, but before he was able to return the kiss the sensation moved - the hint of a kiss against his collarbone, one against his heart, skittering touching of lips and tongue ghosting down over his chest and stomach - until he was aware of nimble hands undoing the drawstring to his pyjamas and sliding the fabric down, hands caressing his thighs, and the ghost of breath over his most sensitive part. Then, with a sudden woozy spike of pleasure, he felt the wet, warmth of Haru’s mouth sinking onto him,

Rin was suddenly very much awake.

He let loose a groan and attempted to raise himself onto his elbows only for one of Haru’s hands to snake up to his chest to push him back down. Head hitting the pillow, Rin arched as Haru continued his ministrations without even a hint of a pause. Rapidly overcome by the sensation Rin grasped, fumbling for the hand against his chest, lacing their fingers together, his other hand reaching to bury in Haru’s silky hair as he bobbed between Rin’s legs, Rin’s toes curling into the sheets as the pleasure built.

His moans quickly devolved into a series of half-formed curses mixed in with chants of Haru’s name. Haru stayed silent and dedicated throughout, lifting himself only once toward the end to bid Rin to look at him. Rin did, their eyes meeting in a heated gaze. It was quickly the undoing of him.

It took Rin some time for the white-blindness of his climax to fade, but when it did Haru had slid back up his body and was kissing him again, this time deep, lingering kisses, breathing soft words in between.

“Happy birthday Rin. Happy birthday.”

Rin clutched for him, luxuriating in the feel of Haru’s skin, the tight, hard muscle underneath as he slid his hands up and down his back, occasionally lower to cup his ass.

“Best. Birthday. Ever” He finally breathed between kisses when he had recovered the powers of speech, earning him a soft little laugh from Haru that only served to make the statement a thousand times truer.

For a time they stayed like that, trading slow kisses and caressing touches before Rin pulled away to nuzzle into Haru’s neck pouting playfully.

“mmm but after that how am I supposed to get through the whole morning without you?”

Haru nipped at his bottom lip before smiling down at him.

“Well, first Sousuke and Makoto are coming over to take you to breakfast at your favourite place and you’re going to order anything you want. Then you’ll come back here and get changed and come to meet me at work. We’ll be back together before you know it.”

“Changed? Is there a dress code?” Rin arched his brows - it was the closest thing to a clue he’d had so far about their afternoon, Haru having remained frustratingly tight-lipped about what he had planned.

Haru pulled back a little so he could see Rin’s face clearly, reaching to brush through his mussed up hair as he said softly, “Yeah. I want you to put on your suit. I had it dry cleaned. Will you wear it for me?”

Rin was unable to hide the way his eyes clouded a little. He hadn’t actually touched his father’s suit since that disastrous night all those months ago, he’d just thrown it - vomit stains and all - in a bag to be packed away and tried not to think about it.

Haru noticed Rin’s expression darken and pressed a firm kiss against his mouth.

“Please. For me. You’ll look great.”

Rin nodded a little wearily causing Haru to kiss him again, deeper this time. When Haru pulled away again, Rin’s eyes had brightened once more and flashed with mischief.

“What time did you say Makoto and Sousuke were coming?”

Haru glanced at the clock. It was still early. “About an hour.”

“Mmmm good. So we have time for birthday sex.” Rin practically purred, pulling Haru back close. Haru felt a pleasant pulse of arousal. He was still half hard from what he’d done for Rin before.

“Whatever the birthday boy wants.” He murmured against Rin’s skin, nuzzling against him until their mouths met in a deep breathy kiss.

Rin nipped and sucked at Haru’s lips, before grinning up at him dangerously.

“I was so hoping you’d say that. Because what I want is for you to take me. And I want you to make it so I feel it for all the hours we have to be apart.”

Haru couldn’t hold back the shiver down his spine as Rin slid a warm palm over his belly, moving to cup his hip and pull him in even closer so he was able to feel the heat and hardness of Rin’s own desire.

“That sounds like a challenge.” He whispered back, voice a little strained, his tongue darting out over his lower lip automatically as a shudder of electric heat flashed right to his core. He pressed Rin into the sheets and kissed him anew.

Haru knew what Rin wanted, but he also knew better than to give it to him right away. So he took him apart with his hands first, calling on every ounce of his self-restraint to wait until Rin was arched off the mattress and begging before pulling away and affecting a mask of calm composure, hiding his own laboured breathing as he took his time retrieving the condoms.

“Haru” Rin growled in warning, skin sheened with sweat and flushed in a way that almost had Haru coming undone right there and then.

Rin, shuddering with heady want, retained just enough awareness to exact a least a little revenge, grabbing for the foil packet and tearing at it with his teeth before he reached for Haru and stroked the condom into the place while keeping molten eye contact. It was Haru’s turn to tremble, pushing Rin hands away and pinning them over his head least he really did end things before he’d fulfilled Rin’s request.

Keeping eye contact, he settled himself between Rin’s thighs, Rin automatically wrapping his legs tight around him, before finally, slowly, thrusting in. They groaned in unison with the sensation, Rin’s thighs tightening in encouragement, urging Haru closer, deeper.

Little by little Haru worked them up to an agonising rhythm of just-not-quite-enough so that Rin was left writing and gasping, his fingers digging bruises into Haru’s back and biceps. He kept them teetering there as long as he could. Thrusting long and deep, but never quite as hard as he knew Rin wanted before, eventually, he took pity (or his willpower gave out, he couldn’t be sure) and he gave Rin everything, bucking into him desperately, his own raw cries joining Rin’s as they chased their climax together.

❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️

After finally untangling themselves (showering having unsurprisingly only served to slow down the process of getting ready to the extent that they found themselves still half dressed and flustered when the knocking at the door began) Rin spent his breakfast with Makoto and Sousuke with his head firmly in the clouds, humming love songs to himself and tapping his foot with the excitement of finding out what Haru had planned.

Not that his friends seemed to mind, or even really to notice. There was a strange skittish energy about them - jumping from topic to topic and continually trading excited glances - which Rin just put down to them looking forward to some of their own time alone.

When they had finished up, they walked him the scenic route back to the apartment before waving him off so he could get ready to go meet Haru. Sousuke had given him a strange, tight hug as he turned to go, mumbling something about how proud he was to see this day - but Makoto had dragged him away before Rin could find out what had brought the fit of emotion on.

Rin tried then to take his time getting ready, wanting to look good for Haru, but their bedroom smelt of sex and Haru and the evidences of their morning together only made him all the more eager to go and see him.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t enjoyed spending the morning with Makoto and Sousuke, but he would have been lying if he hadn’t been slightly disappointed at Haru having to work on his birthday. It didn’t help much that he felt a strange vulnerability settle over him as he took out his father’s suit. The last thing he wanted to think about was that night.

But then he wondered if perhaps in a strange way that was precisely why Haru had chosen it for him to wear.

 _It’s time to make some new memories._ He thought to himself determinedly as he examined his reflection in the mirror.

💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙

Rin headed to pick Haru up from work right on time, savouring the occasional slight pang of ache that still lingered from their earlier exertions. He couldn’t help but smile to himself. It was rapidly approaching his favourite time of year, the days turning brighter and milder, the shops starting to fill with sakura-themed products in anticipation of the cherry blossom season and hearts and flowers appearing everywhere ready for Valentine’s Day. It suited his mood - completely and utterly charmed and in love.

He happily anticipated hanami picnics with Haru. Exchanges of valentines chocolates and gifts bought on impulse (even though they would both have agreed beforehand not to). How they would get to enjoy this season together not only this year but all the years to come, the moments all hanging together in front of him full of promise.

But he also couldn’t help but think about how differently this day might have gone. How a few short months ago it had looked like Haru might not have been in his life at all, or how a few more months before that he had been planning to be going to bed tonight with Haru as his fiancé.

He exhaled roughly and tried to push back the slight ache in his chest that hit at the thought. He was grateful, so eternally grateful, that he and Haru had found a way back together. And he’d meant it completely when he’d told Haru he didn't need that. That being together the way they were now was enough - and it was true it was. It was everything to Rin.

And yet, still, he couldn’t help but feel a slight wistfulness for what could have been. He allowed himself for just a moment to picture the scene - himself down on one knee, Haru’s face, the feel of sliding a ring over his finger, the way they would have kissed, they way they would have held each other that night, waking up the next day as the first morning no longer just lovers or boyfriends but fiancées...

He rolled his shoulders slightly trying not to dwell. What mattered - all that mattered - was that they were together now, and he didn’t need papers or ceremonies or anything else at all for him to know it was forever.

Besides, he couldn’t blame Haru - having spent most of his life trapped into an engagement he didn’t want - for not necessarily being thrilled at the concept of a marriage right then. But who knew if that might change. Maybe there was still a chance that they could have that - perhaps in a year, in 5 or in 10. Maybe he didn’t have to surrender all hope that one day he would get to call Haru husband.

The thought brought a smile to his face and he rushed the rest of the way to the restaurant already dreaming up new futures.

❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️

Nanase Haruka was a man in love. As he stood outside the restaurant stealing a few quiet moments to himself before Rin arrived all he could think of was just how strange and wonderful it was to be this much in love.

To have found his soulmate - and to have found him so young at that so that they had all their lives stretched out in front of them. He offered up his silent thanks to whatever power had brought him to this place. That had allowed him this.

The restaurant behind him was busy and he could hear the chattering and laughing from within. Mentally he ran through his checklist again. It had taken surprisingly a lot to get everything pulled off. Weeks of plotting and planning and whispered phone calls in snatched moments when Rin wasn’t around. But, as he ticked the last thing off in his head, he realised it was all done now. There was nothing more to arrange. No more plans to make. It was time.

He looked down at his hands and, in contrast to his hummingbird-fast heartbeat, he found them steady, a strange core of calmness running through him despite his excitement and nerves.

He was sure. He was ready. And there was nothing more he could do now but wait for Rin to arrive.

So he waited. Ready for his future.

💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙

When Rin finally rounded the corner and the Mermaid’s Tale came into view he was surprised to find it looking strangely closed. The board that always stood outside announcing the catch of the day was nowhere to be seen and the lights seemed to be off.

Rin jogged lightly over frowning, a flutter of apprehension running through him.

_Haru had said meet him at work right? He was sure of it. Wasn’t he?_

He pulled out his phone to check, but other than a few messages wishing him a happy birthday there was nothing to indicate the plan might have changed.

He wavered for a moment, unsure of what he should do, and then decided just to go in. Mr Nakata liked him after all. Even if there were a mix up he wouldn’t be intruding.

He reached for the door and pushed….

… and instead of the usual quiet chime of the bell Rin was hit by a wave of colour and light and sound. The restaurant lights flicked on to reveal, instead of the typical array of diners, a mass of people shouting out at him, letting off streamers and waving flags and balloons. The whole restaurant had been taken over - banners and paper chains and lights strung up all over the ceiling beams, and the tables pushed against the walls and laden with food and drinks, leaving space in the centre of the room for the crowd of people that now faced him.

It took Rin a few moments of stunned blinking to take it in - Sousuke, Makoto, Rei, Nagisa. His mom, Gou. Half his old Samezuka team. Half his team now. Even Russell and Lori somehow, impossibly, were stood in the thick of it all clapping and shouting at him in English, eyes gleaming with tears.

Rin felt himself start to tremble, eyes flicking from face to face. It was everyone. All the people he loved together all in one place.  

And still, in a room filled with all the people that loved him, Rin felt one presence above all others.

Because suddenly there was Haru.

He stepped forward into the centre of it all. He was wearing a modern cut slate grey suit that caused his eyes to shine an even more brilliant blue than usual. A crisp white shirt open at the collar, no tie. Rin felt a shudder of electricity through him as they locked eyes.

“Haru you...all this...I...”

But Haru stepped forward and took Rin's hands in his own, pressing their foreheads together.

“Shh Rin. There’s something I need to say first.”

Rin was vaguely aware of someone tapping a glass, calling for quiet, and of his friends and family falling hushed around them.

“But… but... you don’t like speeches...” he heard himself say faintly, mind blanking as his focus narrowed down only to the man in front of him. All he could see, all he could feel was Haru. His eyes bright and locked on Rin’s, hands warm and steady in his own.

“Rin, we first met when we were children, and I remember watching you introduce yourself to our class and just knowing things would never be the same for me again. And it never has been. You changed everything for me. You made it better. You _make me_ better. This past summer, hurting you, almost losing you-”

Rin opened his mouth to protest, but Haru held up his hand to stop him.

“Please Rin, let me say it… I made a mistake. I took it for granted. I took us for granted. I thought because I let you into one part of my life that it was enough, but it’s not, it wasn’t. It never could be. Because I want to share everything, my whole life with you. I know we’ve not been back together all that long, and I know we said there was no rush. But the truth is, I don’t want to go slowly with you. I don’t want to just be your friend or your teammate, and I don’t want to date you. I want to be with you. Always. In every way we can. I want to kiss you and lie down with you and wake up with you all the days of my life. You are the love of my life Rin. And now that we are both 20, and since my family name no longer means all that much, I wanted to ask you if you’d consider sharing yours.”

As if in slow motion Rin watched as, gracefully, Haru knelt down, pulling a ring box from his pocket.  

“So, Matsuoka Rin who has a girly name but is a boy. The boy that I love. Forever. Will you marry me?”

Rin couldn’t see, could barely speak through his tears. He sunk to his knees and reached for Haru blindly.

“You idiot I was gonna do it!”

Haru laughed through the start of his own tears. “Is that a yes?”

But Rin was too overcome to answer just then. Haru could feel he was trembling. He set the rings aside and curled Rin against his chest, wrapping him in his arms and shielding his tears from the onlookers.

In their own private cocoon, he pressed close to Rin’s ear and whispered, “I’m so in love with you Rin. And I always will be. Be my husband.”  

Rin nodded into his chest. “Yes. Of course yes. Haru…”

Blindly Haru groped for the ring box, pulling away only enough to grip Rin’s hand.

“Can I?”

Still shaking Rin nodded, eyes wide and wet with tears but unblinking as he watched Haru slip the rose and white gold band over his finger. Haru kissed it once in place, admiring the way it looked alongside the bracelet Rin had bought them, before holding out the second band to Rin.

With fumbling fingers Rin took it and clasped Haru’s hand in his own. Somewhere, absently, he knew they were in a room packed with people. That there was clapping and cheering and camera clicks and celebrations happening all around them, but in that moment it was as if they were the only two people on earth.

“I love you Nanase Haruka,” he whispered as he slipped the band in place on Haru’s hand before kissing it as Haru had.

And then, awestruck, he spoke the words that he had always hoped to be able to say on this day.

“My fiancé.”

❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️

They had barely had the chance to stagger to standing when they were quickly swallowed into a pile of hugging and crying, Rin's vision still so blurred by tears he wasn’t too sure at any one time who was congratulating them.

“I think that’s the most words I’ve ever heard him say in one go so he really must love you.” Sousuke joked to Rin as he tackled them both in a bruising hug, Haru too happy even to scowl at him.

Nagisa was weeping, practically strangling Rei who was had been filming the whole thing, before clinging to Rin and Haru so tightly they needed help from Aii and Seijuro to wrench him off.

Not that they were free for long, Russell and Lori both pounced too, speaking rapid English that Haru couldn’t understand (knowing only that it made Rin blush violently) before hugging Haru so tightly that Rin then had to fight a little to get him back.

Then there was Miyako, who held out her arms to them so that they both stepped into her embrace. She kissed them each once on the forehead and murmured how proud she was, how much she loved them and how happy Toraichi would have been to see them together, her eyes shining with happy tears.

Haru squeezed Rin’s hand tighter, feeling the wonderful foreign coolness of the band of metal, and then gently pulled away, stepping back to allow mother and son a moment of privacy.

But he wasn’t left alone for long either, Makoto took his chance, stepping toward him and clasping his shoulder warmly.

“Haru you did it! I’m so proud of you! I’m so happy for you.” Haru pushed off the hand and reached to draw Makoto into a hug instead.

“Thank you.” he murmured against his best friend’s shoulder, voice thick with emotion and only hoping his tone could convey what words were unequal to. “Makoto thank you for everything. I don’t think I’d get to have this without you.”

Makoto turned pink and misty-eyed, but they were soon interrupted by Gou flinging herself into Haru’s arms.

“Brother! My new brother! I get to say that now! I’m so happy I get to say that!”

And then Rin and Miyako were pulling them in - Makoto too - until it was once more a blur of tangling limbs and laughter and hugging.

Somewhere in the chaos Haru and Rin still managed to find each other, hands lacing tightly and grinning together through the tumble of their loved ones.

💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙

Later, much later, in a patch of calm, they stood entwined together in a corner watching their friends mingling and laughing. Mr Nakata had truly outdone himself keeping everyone fed and topped up with drinks, and Haru’s friends from the restaurant had blended in seamlessly with the crowd laughing and asking for stories of Haru and Rin when they were younger.  

Everywhere they looked they saw love - their friends, their family, all celebrating and sharing in what could only be described as the happiest day of their lives so far.

“You know,” Rin murmured, breaking the comfortable silence that had fallen between them with a glint in his eye “My best man is totally going to try and hook up with your best man at the wedding.” He nodded his head over to where Sousuke was fiddling unsubtly with Makoto’s jacket, having apparently indulged in one too many flutes of champagne.

Haru sniggered, looking over at his best friend affectionately. Then he said softly, “I’m not sure Makoto will be my best man.”

Rin’s mouth fell open in surprise. “What?!”

“I... I was thinking I would ask him to be the one to give me away instead. If we were doing that.”

Rin pulled him tighter into him. “We don’t have to do that. We can do it any way that we like. As long as it ends with you as my husband it will be perfect.”

Haru leaned back and tilted his head looking thoughtful. “Can we do it soon then? What about this summer? After the games?”

Rin blinked at him. “Sure. Of course...but why the rush? I mean I know neither one of us is pregnant so...”

Haru rolled his eyes at him before he reached up and affectionately slipped his hand through Rin’s hair.

“I know that. And there is no rush. Not really. I just want to be married to you.” he murmured. “I’ve spent too much time engaged already. I just want to be married. To you. I want to be your husband.”

“My husband,” Rin repeated reverently. He beamed, leaning into Haru’s touch, cheeks rosy and eyes alight with joy. “Yeah Haru, let’s do it soon. As soon as we can.”

Haru turned to grab two flutes of champagne, handing one to Rin. They clinked them together in a toast, gazing at each other and bright with the love that overflowed between them.

“To a short engagement.”

“A very short engagement.”

❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️💙❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am sure that came as a surprise to precisely nobody 😍
> 
> Originally this was going to be the ending (could you guess from the super cheesy ‘refer to title in the story’ ending dialogue 😅 ?) but there was one more thing I didn’t quite feel done with so there will actually be one more short not-quite-full chapter to come (not quite an epilogue, I’m not actually sure what to call it). I also might in the future do a bit of a one-shot for their wedding or perhaps married life… we’ll see. 
> 
> But in the meantime thank you so so much for everyone who took the time to read or comment on this story. I’m posting this while a bit tired and emotional (and to be totally honest, hungover) so I don’t want to waffle on too much, but please believe me when I say it meant such a lot to me, and getting your lovely comments over the past months has given me a real boost over a bit of a tricky IRL time. So thank you and to anyone who stuck it out this long I really hope the ending has been worth it. 
> 
> Thank you 💙❤️


End file.
